By Andrew Baird (Salinas, California)
WOW. This is one old movie (2008)! Lots of old movies have cult followings and are sometimes regarded as some of the best films ever. Then, there’s some that had a trailer that were never shown at theaters or even on television. The trailers that you’d only stumble across on a foreign Vietnamese or Egyptian website that’s only visible if you click out of the endless advertisements where the trailer is practically sulking in the corner of the webpage in a 640×480 resolution while your computer is attacked by a virus or a trojan horse (I’m sure I’m not the only one). It’s those movies that will most likely never see the light of day on a TV screen. But it’s those movies that hold a throne in my heart. The nice, soft, squishy, juicy, flabby…um, I have no idea where I was going with that.
Anyways, I remember back in 2009-2010 (I think), I would constantly visit the Hollywood Video down by Creek Bridge with my parents. I was only like 7-10, so when I saw a huge T-Rex being bombarded with military fire on the cover of 100 Million BC, I knew that that’s what I wanted to see for the weekend. And after watching the movie with my parents, I had nightmares of a huge, disgustingly animated super magma allosaurus rexodontus (It’s really a carharodontosaurus, but I couldn’t even pronounce television right at the time) tossing me for at least 5 times in the sky before finally swallowing me whole with the movie music blaring in the background. What can I say? I was one sensitive kid! Only recently, being a 14 year old with an endless crave for bad movies with a couple of bucks and a laptop, in November something, 2015, which was only 2 months ago, I searched up a forgotten relic of my ever extending childhood. The one and only, for $3.81, 100 Million BC!
This movie is awful. That’s all you people that appreciate good movies need to know. Steer clear of this movie! Now! GO AWAY!!! OK! Now that all of those pesky critics and decent people who like good movies are gone, allow the budget movie fan to give this piece of art a review in the mind of a terrible movie lover!
So 100 Million BC is a low budget film made by The Asylum, who are notorious for bad movies and are basically best friends with Sci-Fi. Right off the bat, just by looking at the cover of the DVD case, you’ll notice that the T-Rex, which isn’t even featured in the film, is WAAAAYYY too big! Rex is as big as the buildings on the side! GLORIOUS. Once you start the movie, it plays a semi-epic intro featuring a camera circling a giant mountain surrounded by what looks like Californian mountains and landscape. It plays an orchestrated piece of music that I’ll admit sounds pretty cool (maybe because I’m in a brass/woodwind band in school). There is a man and a woman who are climbing down a spray painted piece of foam that fails to trick me into believing that it’s a mountain peak, looking for cave paintings of the past. Wow. Also, why are they going down the mountain to reach the paintings if they could’ve just seen them while climbing the mountain?! This just keeps getting better and better.
Then, a couple of Navy S.E.A.L.S are waiting for the perfect moment to join a debriefing for their mission. Stop soldier! We are supposed to enter the building to listen for a guy older than oxygen to give us information about cave paintings like all the other Marines at exactly 2:00! See that clock? IT SAYS 1:59! We still have to wait 17 seconds before entering! It’s crucial that we listen to a debriefing at exactly 2:00! We aren’t supposed to go in a couple minutes early and wait around like normal people would do! WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME??!! YOU DO NOT DISRESPECT YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER, ESPECIALLY ABOUT PRECISE TIMING TO LISTEN TO A USELESS DEBRIEFING! STAND DOWN! I SAID STAND DOWN!!!
Anyways, the S.E.A.L.’s are Lieutenant Peet (over actor), Burke (easily spooked hairsweat), Myrick (Tall as Shaquille O’Neal), Jones (dude who suddenly finds camouflage face paint halfway through the movie), Stubbs (only guy who is excited about travelling back in time and seeing dinosaurs), Manriquez (bandanna man), Chief (you never find out his real name), Pryzricki (weirdest name, coolest gun), and an old researcher about science stuff, Frank Reno (only decent actor). Together, they make the super dino killing team that attempts to rescue a team of researchers and Franks’ older but somehow younger brother Aaron because they sent them back 70 million years to test a device.
So, with the best (worst) special effects you’ll ever have the privilege (pain) of seeing, the team is one by one killed (photoshopped out of the screen) by froggodile things, raptors that apparently, according to a random chick who was with the research team, cover their claws with poop, pterodactyls that should be pteranodons since 70 million years ago was the Jurassic era, and giant size changing magma-ish looking allosaurexodonthian or whatever it is! I think I’m in love. Myrick is fused to a tree when he time travelled. What a way to go! Pryzricki is chewed up by a frog thing, which the camera caught horribly with shaky hands. Peet is taken away by raptors when Burke is too scared to move on. Nice going, wuss. Right afterword, Burke is taken by the raptors’ partner (KARMA.). Chief is wounded, but is saved by the 4 researchers that were stranded there. Pretty soon, he tells the team to leave him cuz of his wound and tries to be John Rambo and Leeroy Jenkins, but is swallowed by the Lava-Rex.
Jones is taken away by a pterodactyl (that annoys me so much!), but finally, the team time travels away from Toro Park, Red Rock, and another random looking place, except for Reno, who volunteers to stay behind to make up for his brother. At this point, I’m only rooting for Big Red, the carcharodontosaurus, the dino that haunted my dreams. Just as the portal is closing, Big Red stomps over for a tea party, but instead jumps into the wormhole. Oh look! A big blue swirling mass of chaos! Can I come too, humans? So, it’s now The Lost World all over again with the same music in the background (I enjoyed it for the first couple of hundred hours, but I’m going a little crazy now.). Long story short, Big Red is sent back to the Jurassic era, Aaron is reunited with a younger Frank Reno who teleported to modern day Los Angeles to have a mono-e-mono showdown with the dino, and everyone’s happy! The end of the movie has finally graced the screen.
Was it worth it? Holy cow, yes it was! It was so bad, it was a masterpiece. I can’t believe I had nightmares about Big Red. I absolutely love this movie! It’s just sooooo terrible! In normal movie standards, this movie gets a 2/10 only because of its actually great original plot. In my book, though, it deserves a 10/10 for being the ultimate bad movie. I love it so much that I actually took time to learn the characters names and lines. I usually watch these movies just to see the cheesy, creative creature scenes. But this movie! This movie I actually liked everything about its badness. If you ever see a copy of this movie, DO NOT BUY. Unless you’re like me, in which case, enjoy the crap out of this piece of crap in all of its crapptastic crappiness.
Oh yeah. My mom actually called it a lava dinosaur, which I still laugh at.
And on a side note here’s my favorite quote from the movie.
“TAKE YOUR F****** PILLS!”
– Lieutenant Peet, to his men to take special pills for the time travel