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Jenko: What kind of bullshit do they say about a cov…coviolent bond in this school?
Zach: They say it’s uh…when two atoms share both their electrons, it um…helps them to stick together. I…I could help you out, if you want, to tutor you for the test.
[referring to the little notes with phone numbers on them]
Jenko: What are you doing with all those phones anyway?
Zach: Uh…I crack and jailbreak kids phones, uh…trying to save for college. You know I switch their wireless carriers, get them restricted apps.
Jenko: Can you listen into phone calls and stuff?
Zach: No. No, I can’t…I can’t install a spyware to remotely monitor calls or anything that the mic picks up. I can’t do that at all.
[Zack smiles while he’s saying all this]
Jenko: What, you can’t do it?
[Zack smiles again]
Zach: No, I can’t.
[Jenko turns to Zack’s friends]
Jenko: Is he being sarcastic?
Delroy: I don’t know.
Jenko: So you can?
[Zack nods his head]
Schmidt: Liking comic books is popular, environmental awareness, being tolerant. If I was just born ten years later, I would have been the coolest person ever.
Jenko: I know. It’s bullshit. You know what? I totally know the cause. Glee. Fuck you Glee!
Schmidt: Man, I gotta say it. This is kind of awesome. I might become popular. I…I might be in with the popular kids. If I could do something wildly irresponsible to earn their trust.
Jenko: You saying we should throw a party?
Schmidt: I’ll invite Molly, and then Molly will invite Eric. And that would be the quickest way for me to bro down with them.
Jenko: Wouldn’t it be better if we both infiltrated the cool kids group?
Schmidt: I think it would be better if you get in with the nerdy kids and see what’s going on over there. That would be the best thing for the case.
Jenko: I guess that makes sense.
[Schmidt makes a call to Molly]
Schmidt: Hey, is this uh…is this Molly?
Molly Tracey: Speaking.
Schmidt: Hey! It’s uh…it’s Schmidt.
[realizes he’s used his real name and quickly tries to cover it up]
Schmidt: Schmoug…uh…it’s Doug Schm…McQuade.
Molly Tracey: Oh! Hey, man! Uh…so weird that you’re calling me. I pretty much text, except for when a random old relative calls.
Schmidt: I’m just calling because we’re co-starring in this play together, and…
[just at that moment the phone beeps and Schmidt’s mom comes on the line]
Annie Schmidt: Hello? Hello?
Schmidt: [shouting] Mom! Get off the phone!
Annie Schmidt: Oh, sorry! Hi, Doug. My teen son.
Schmidt: [shouting] Mom!
Annie Schmidt: I love you, honey. Dougy. Doug…Douglas McQuade.
Schmidt: [shouting] Mom! Shush! Stop!
[after Schmidt’s mom gets off the line]
Schmidt: Sorry. My mom’s such a dick. She’s just like, smothers me with affection. It makes me feel like I’m five years old.
Molly Tracey: Wow! You’re a…a sharer. I dig that. Well, I’m eighteen years old and my mom still packs my lunch for me everyday.
Schmidt: There was this one month where she bought me forty three stuffed animals. The doctor thought I was gonna spontaneously grow a vagina. I didn’t though, just to be clear.
Molly Tracey: Yeah, because you already had one.
Schmidt: Exactly. I already had a… And you don’t need two vagina’s. You just don’t.
Molly Tracey: Although, you could use one as a coin purse.
Molly Tracey: I never got any stuffed animals growing up. Oh, wait! Actually, that’s not true. I did. My dad gave me a stuffed puppy the day he bailed on us.
[Schmidt goes quite not knowing what to say]
Molly Tracey: I’m just fucking with you.
Schmidt: That was a weird joke. I thought your dad had bailed on your family.
Molly Tracey: No, he did walk out on us though.
Molly Tracey: He didn’t even leave me a stuffed puppy. Just broken dreams.
[Jenko walks into the room as Schmidt is on the phone to Molly and tries wrestling him]
Schmidt: Oh, man. I guess to that I would say, well, uh…that there are some good guys out there, and I wouldn’t let, you know, one experience take your uh…memory…
[as Jenko hits Schmidt, Molly hears Schmidt shout]
Schmidt: Oh, my God!
Molly Tracey: Are you getting choked up? I’m sorry of I made you upset.
Schmidt: No. It’s just, you know, I don’t like when guys are mean to girls.
Molly Tracey: Yeah. Well, thanks.
Schmidt: Normal transition here. Um…actually, I’m having a party next weekend. You should come. You and Eric and Juario or whatever.
Molly Tracey: Do you mind if I just put like a posting on facebook?
[Jenko starts hitting Schmidt with a pillow]
Schmidt: Okay! Yeah! Yeah! Um…I should…I should call you back. Well, alright. I’ll see you. I’ll see you. You’re a great person! Bye bye. Bye.
Molly Tracey: Bye.
[as Molly is about to end the call she hears Schmidt yell]
Schmidt: What the fuck are you doing?
[Schmidt and Jenko are in Dickson’s office]
Captain Dickson: Are you all throwin’ a party?
Captain Dickson: There’s rumors, in the Twittersphere. And if any of my officers are caught giving alcohol to minors, they’ll find themself in prison with a snorkel duct taped to their mouth, and me shittin’ down that snorkel!
Schmidt: That’s extremely vivid, thank you.
[as Schmidt and Jenko Schmidt and Jenko say goodbye to Schmidt’s parents]
Jenko: We love you! Enjoy the vineyard.
Annie Schmidt: Yeah, I can’t believe you guys did this for us. Bye!
[as his parents leave, Schmidt turns to Jenko]
Schmidt: We love you? Dude, why are you saying I love you to my mom?
Jenko: I’m in character, shut up.
Schmidt: That’s weird.
Jenko: I don’t know, dude. We’re kind of like brothers.
[as they get Schmidt’s parents house prepared for the party]
Schmidt: Wait. How are we gonna buy alcohol?
Jenko: I don’t have a fake ID.
[they both laugh and high five each other and buy a ton of alcohol]
Schmidt: How are we gonna get drugs for the party?
Jenko: Oh, no!
[they both laugh, then they break into evidence lockup at the police station]
[after breaking into evidence lockup]
Jenko: We got a pound of coke.
Schmidt: We just wanna show ’em a good time not ruin their fucking lives!
Jenko: Pound of marijuana?
Schmidt: Best party ever!
[after Eric turns up to the party and Jenko steals his phone and gives it to the chem nerds to bug the phone]
Jenko: Okay, boys! Come on! We did it! We did it. We can do this. Let’s go! Let’s go as fast as you possibly can.
Zach: Taking out the SIM card. Taking out the SIM card.
Jenko: Come on. CSI the shit out of this thing.
[Jenko notices Zach is looking drunk]
Jenko: Are you drunk?
Jenko: Have you even been drunk before?
Zach: No, but um…
[he grabs the bottle of alcohol from Delroy’s hand]
Jenko: Give me this!
Zach: Can we get some bitches up in here, cause it’s just boys right now.
Jenko: No! You can’t get any bitches up here!
[as a bunch of teenagers from another school crash his party]
Schmidt: Hey, big player. I don’t know who you are.
Scott: Don’t worry about who I am.
Schmidt: I’m worried about it.
Schmidt: Because you’re in my party right now, dude. This is my temple. This is where I come to find peace to all. You comin’ in here like an emotional bull in a china shop, metaphorically knockin’ over vases, messing with my crew. And I’m like, what, Scott? What, Scott? What? What? What? What, Scott?
Scott: It’s that kind of party?
Schmidt: Yeah, dude! As a matter of fact, it’s gettin’ hot in here, huh?
Scott: Oh, no. It’s gettin’ real.
Schmidt: Yeah, it’s like seven strangers livin’ in one house true story!
Scott: You want real world?
Schmidt: Yeah! Let’s do it, man. Come on!
Scott: Here’s real world.
[suddenly Scott punches Schmidt in the stomach, Jenko hears this and comes and joins the fight and him and Schmidt eventually win the fight]
[after Schmidt has won the fight with Scott, everybody at the party is cheers, suddenly everyone notices the Schmidt has been stabbed in the shoulder]
Schmidt: Oh, shit! When did I get stabbed?
[everyone just looks at him in shock]
Schmidt: That’s awesome!
[everyone at the party cheers and continues partying]
[after Schmidt’s parents return home and bust up the party, everybody runs away with Eric and Schmidt running in the same direction]
Eric Molson: Dude, that was so great! I swear, best party I’ve been to in years!
Schmidt: Dude, I’m doin’ crazy stuff like that, like all the time, man.
Eric Molson: I bet you are, dude. So angst right now!
Schmidt: Hey, man!
Eric Molson: Dude, I like you, man. How do you feel about making a little extra money?
Schmidt: Whatever it is, I’m in.
Eric Molson: Here’s the deal. I can’t sell all this shit on my own, but I only bring in people I like. Okay, you do good, maybe we bring you in on what we’re doing. I’ll introduce you to my hook up. How does that sound?
Schmidt: Cool with me.
Eric Molson: My, man!
[referring to the rude graffiti drawn on Schmidt’s baby photo’s at the party]
Annie Schmidt: ‘I love dick!’ You think that’s funny? ‘Wonder Years Douche’!
[she holds the photo in front of Schmidt and Jenko]
Annie Schmidt: What kind of a sick animal draws an ejaculating penis into an eight year olds mouth?!
Jenko: It could be, like airplane blowing up.
Annie Schmidt: You think I don’t know that’s a dick and balls! I know all about dick and balls! I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober, when he was really fucked up and a lot of fun! You know what? From now on you’re gonna do some chores. You’re gonna wash the laundry, you’re gonna fold it, you’re gonna do dishes, you’re gonna mow the lawn…
Jenko: Dude, I have a surprise for you. Last night at the party, I took Eric’s phone and I had Zack put this monitoring device in it. So we’re gonna get to hear every single thing that little prick is up to.
Schmidt: Dude, I don’t know if that was a good idea.
Schmidt: What of you’d gotten found out?
Jenko: But it worked. This like the smartest move I’ve ever pulled. So, I’m sorry. What are you gettin’ mad at me for?
Schmidt: I’m not getting mad at you. I’m glad. You have something to do.
[as Schmidt gets more popular with Eric, pretending to be selling the drugs while in fact he’s been taking them to Capt. Dickson, he also gets more friendly with Molly, flirt texting each other]
Eric Molson: Are you texting Molly?
Schmidt: Uh…what? I don’t uh…Molly. Uh…maybe. Is that…?
Eric Molson: Woh! It’s cool, man. Come on! I’m not like, some like, fifties Letterman who pins a girl. I mean, yeah, we blow each other sometimes. But it’s not a thing. I just like, I don’t know. I don’t believe in possession, chowfeel.
Schmidt: Chowfeel? Chow definitely feel.
[while Schmidt is hanging out with the eco kids, Jenko is with the chem nerds and uses the mic on Eric’s cellphone to eavesdrop, Schmidt and Molly walk into the room where Eric’s phone is charging and Jenko overhears their conversation]
Schmidt: Are you uh…are you excited about the play?
Molly Tracey: Yes!
Schmidt: Yeah, you were just right in there with the statement.
Molly Tracey: Yes!
Schmidt: No hesitation.
Molly Tracey: I’m very excited.
Molly Tracey: Does that make me a super nerd?
Schmidt: No, not at all. We get to act together.
[as he’s listening into Schmidt and Molly’s conversation]
Jenko: What a vagina?! He has no chance with her.
Molly Tracey: You’re on the prom committee.
Molly Tracey: Do you think it’s gonna be fun?
[as Jenko and the nerds listen in on their conversation]
Jenko: Did she just bring up prom on her own?
Delroy: She did! She just brought up prom.
Jenko: What’s she doing?
[back to Schmidt and Molly]
Schmidt: I think it’s gonna be awesome.
Zach: Promy’s are dong.
Jenko: Alright, anyone who says they don’t care about prom, actually secretly does.
Delroy: Who’s gonna take us to the prom? There’s no one that wants to go to the prom with us.
Jenko: Come on! Picture it! You pull up in a white stallion of a limo, you got fine-ass honey’s with you, you dress to the nines with your best buds! Doves fly out behind you, slow motion.
Zach: Doves? Why doves? Cause doves make you look like a bad-ass, that’s why!
Molly Tracey: I am pretty skeptical, but maybe if someone asked me, I would go.
Schmidt: But are…isn’t…aren’t you and Eric… Wouldn’t you and Eric go together?
Molly Tracey: Not that I know of.
[Schmidt has a flashback to high school in 2005 when he asked a girl to the prom and got rejected]
Schmidt: Uh…would you…
[listening in to their conversation]
Jenko: He’s gonna choke. He always chokes. He’s gonna choke, wait for it.
[back to Schmidt and Molly]
Schmidt: So…would…so would…would you maybe…
[suddenly Schmidt starts to choke]
Molly Tracey: Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Schmidt: I am!
[Jenko laughs as he hears Schmidt choke]
Jenko: That is the actual sound of choking!
Schmidt: I was wondering if you uh…would you uh…maybe wanna go to uh…with me? To prom? Would you wanna go with me? Will you go with me to prom?
Molly Tracey: Yes. I would love to go to prom with you.
[listening in to them]
Zach: What? She said yes!
Jenko: Good for you, Doug.
[after she’s accepted Schmidt’s invitation to go to the prom with him]
Molly Tracey: Thanks you for asking.
[she slowly comes towards him as if to kiss him, but suddenly Schmidt ruins the moment and holds out his hand instead]
Schmidt: Put it there, man! Just…put it right there!
Molly Tracey: I’m putting it…right here.
[she awkwardly shakes his hand]
[as the rest of the eco kids come inside and join Schmidt and Molly]
Lisa: Doug, okay, settle an argument. You and your brother aren’t related, right? Cause he looks totally different.
Schmidt: He’s adopted. We all suspect he’s from a very lame family.
[Jenko overhears this and looks upset]
Lisa: Where is he tonight?
Schmidt: Probably at home with those lame tools he hangs out with. You know how Tom Cruise is always pissed off at Rainman? That’s like my life, except Brad is really shitty at Math.
[the eco kids laugh and Jenko with his chem nerd friends overhear this]
Zach: Your brother’s kind of a dick.
Jenko: Yeah, he kind of is, isn’t he?
Zach: Don’t listen to that.
[at 21 Jump Street, after finding out that their designer drug is spreading to other high schools]
Captain Dickson: You failed to stop the outbreak. And you have no leads! We are runnin’ out of time! You either find the supplier I’m a jump your asses off Jump Street!
Jenko: I totally understand where you’re coming from, sir. But look, I heard Eric talking on the phone yesterday with somebody that sounded very suspect about meeting up with the stuff in a piÃ±ata.
Captain Dickson: Is that a code for sex?
[as they leave Dickson’s office]
Schmidt: Piñata? Really?
Jenko: Yep. Remember that wire tap I put on Eric’s phone? Well, when you were having the time of your life last night, I was listening. I overheard a phone call between Eric and some dude about a piñata.
Schmidt: That’s all you heard?
[Jenko, wearing a KNO3 sweater, gets in front of the chemistry class to recite his poem on potassium nitrate]
Jenko: Potassium Nitrate. Don’t hate, it’s great. It can act as an oxidizer. I didn’t know that, but now I’m wiser. It has a crystalline structure. If you can’t respect that, you’re a butt-muncher. It’s a key ingredient in gun powder, KNO3. Don’t get no grief. It can be used to make corned beef. It’s also known as salt peter.
[just at that moment Jenko notices Eric leaving school and he excuses himself from class goes get Schmidt, who’s getting ready to go on stage as Peter Pan, and follow Eric]
[after following Eric and seeing he’s meeting up with the One Percenters gang and gave them a piÃ±ata full of drugs, as the One Percenters leave, Jenko and Schmidt duck their heads in the car]
Schmidt: What are you doing?
Jenko: If they see us, just pretend like you’re sucking my dick.
Schmidt: What? No!
Jenko: Yes! Stop!
Schmidt: You pretend like you’re sucking my dick!
Jenko: No, just pretend like you’re sucking my dick.
Schmidt: Why am I automatically blowing you?
Jenko: Cause you’re in a fucking Peter Pan costume!
[after they accidently ram into the back of One Percenters, they chase Schmidt and Jenko who go on the run as they get stuck in traffic]
Jenko: What’s wrong with you? Run!
Schmidt: I can’t! I’m wearing tights!
Jenko: I got skinny jeans on! It’s the same fucking thing!
[a huge car chase starts as they steal a car on the highway with the One Percenters right behind them]
Schmidt: They’re coming! They’re coming!
Jenko: I got an idea! Why don’t you text them and ask them to stop chasing us!
[as the One Percenters start shooting at them, Schmidt grabs a gun left in the car and hesitates, failing to shoot one of the bikers, Jenko grabs the gun and shoots for him]
Schmidt: Why did you shoot for me?
Jenko: You weren’t shooting! You were chocking, so I had to save us!
Schmidt: I was gonna shooting! You always do this, every single time!
Schmidt: Seriously, just take me back to school, man! If I miss this play, Molly’s gonna freak out! She’s not gonna go to prom with me!
Jenko: Are you fucking serious?
Schmidt: Fuck! Yes, I’m serious.
[as Jenko drives them back to school and Schmidt tries to make a run for it back to the play]
Schmidt: I can’t believe you made me late. You’re so selfish!
Jenko: I’m selfish?
Schmidt: Yes! You’re selfish!
Jenko: Are you fucking kiddin’ me? Look at yourself? You’re in too deep, man. Yesterday I found a college application on your desk!
Schmidt: I don’t know how long this case is gonna last. And Eric’s gonna get into Berkeley! And honestly, I can get in too! Who knows, I could ride this thing out, I could be a doctor or something!
Jenko: Have you lost your fucking mind? You’ll screw this investigation all up.
Schmidt: At least I know my Miranda rights, you idiot.
[Schmidt turns and leave a stricken looking Jenko]
[after Schmidt pushes his way on stage trying to take over the play, Jenko runs after him and jumps on Schmidt and they start fighting on stage]
Jenko: You made fun of me behind my back! Everybody laughs at me!
Schmidt: I was a loser for four years! You couldn’t handle it for five minutes! How does it feel, you motherfucker!
[back at 21 Jump Street in Dickson’s office, after getting expelled from school for fighting on stage]
Jenko: Is that it? You’re not gonna…you’re not gonna scream at us?
Captain Dickson: Nope. I’m gonna just fire you.
[as Schmidt sees Jenko moving his stuff out of his parents place]
Schmidt: Moving out?
Jenko: Yep. Do you know what’s crazy to me? Cause I think that I actually thought that we were brothers. I would have taken a bullet for you.
[Eric takes Schmidt and Jenko to a deserted alleyway and pulls]
Eric Molson: Some messed up shit went down yesterday. Yeah, after we made the exchange, our potential business partners got followed by some fucking cops.
Schmidt: That’s insane, man. Are you serious?
Eric Molson: Okay, I just I don’t wanna go to jail! You know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail? It rhymes with grape! It rhymes with grape. I can’t let that happen, so I got these from my dad’s gun cabinet.
[he pulls out two guns]
Schmidt: Eric! Eric! Eric!
Jenko: Woh! Come on! Woh!
Eric Molson: Springfield 45, police issue, very powerful guns. You know how to use that?
Schmidt: We’re not really gun people, man. No.
Eric Molson: A lot of things have made me wonder about you.
[pointing to Jenko]
Jenko: Come on.
Eric Molson: You’re taste in music. The fact that you look like a fucking forty year old man. And after that shit at the play, I realized…there’s no way you guys could be cops.
[Eric gives them his guns]
Eric Molson: I got this deal going down, the supplier’s gonna be there. I need people I can trust. Okay? Right over here we’re gonna shoot these bottles. We’re gonna practice, okay?
[Schmidt and Jenko shoot the bottles hitting all of them perfectly]
Eric Molson: That was actually really fucking awesome.
Schmidt: Beginners luck.
Eric Molson: Alright, the supplier wants the deal to go down at prom. There’s gonna be all these heavies there, but as long as you guys have my back, yeah?
Schmidt: We’ve always got your back.
[after they help each get ready for the prom]
Schmidt: Jenko, uh…will you go to the prom with me?
Jenko: I guess.
Schmidt: Are we really gonna take down a whole drug operation by ourselves?
Jenko: I got some contacts that’ll help us.
[cut to scene of them rolling up to the prom in a white limo with doves flying out and the chem nerds are also with them with some hot looking dates]
[after getting to the prom, Schmidt notices Molly on the dance floor but she looks like she’s tripping on the designer drug]
Molly Tracey: Hey, pumpkin head. I’m very mad at you. Dance with me.
Schmidt: Are you on that shit?
Molly Tracey: So what if I am?
Schmidt: Look, Molly, some serious stuff is about to go down. And…and…and I don’t want you to get hurt.
Molly Tracey: I’ve already been hurt, Doug. I don’t care.
Schmidt: You need to leave! You need to leave, you need to get of here, right now!
Molly Tracey: You’re making a lot of hand gestures.
Schmidt: Okay. My name is not Doug, it’s Schmidt.
Molly Tracey: What?
Schmidt: And I’m a cop.
Molly Tracey: What?
Schmidt: Okay? And…and I care about you, and…and I don’t want you to get busted. So… so you have to leave, right now! Leave the prom right now, Molly. I’m serious.
[Eric takes Schmidt and Jenko to the meeting with the supplier and they realize it’s the gym teacher]
Jenko: Mr. Walters?
Mr. Walters: Hey, beautiful Brad! And his brother.
[shaking Jenko’s hand]
Mr. Walters: Wow! You look great!
Jenko: You’re the supplier? You’re a teacher!
Mr. Walters: And I was stuck on a teacher’s salary, bro. Couldn’t barely pay my alimony.
[after the One Percenters arrive at the meeting, Jenko and Schmidt turn around, scared that they will get recognized]
Domingo: What? You’re having a party now? Who are these two motherfuckers?
Schmidt: Hey. How’s it going?
Eric Molson: No. No. It’s cool, man. They’re my boys, so.
Domingo: Are they?
Eric Molson: Yeah.
Domingo: I don’t like strangers
Eric Molson: How do you expect to make any new friends with that attitude? It’s like, everyone’s a stranger until you give them a chance, man.
Domingo: What the fuck are you talkin’ about?
Eric Molson: I don’t even… Fuckin’ around. Do your thing, man. Proceed.
Domingo: Hey, kid. Come here. Now you, you look familiar.
Schmidt: I was in a..uh…a French fry commercial when I was a kid. So people are like, you know, often say I think I know you. But I don’t think…I don’t think we’ve ever met before.
Domingo: Do I look like I eat French fries?
Schmidt: No, you look like you’re in great shape, but maybe you have like corn cheat day. Like a carb…carb blow out. You know? I don’t know.
Schmidt: Yeah, I think you saw me I was like…
[he starts singing]
Schmidt: Come to Andrew’s French Fry Emporium, where friendship and French fries go hand in hand!
[as Molly reaches the crazy phase of her drug trip, she starts pounding on their door, calling Schmidt a cop]
Molly Tracey: I’m gonna kill you! You stupid fucking cop!
Schmidt: Hey, you guys. She just called me a stupid fucking cop. That’s rude.
[Molly pounds on the door again, shouting]
Molly Tracey: Dick head! Fuck! Motherfucker!
Jenko: Did she just say, nighead, dark motherfucker? That’s…that’s just racist.
Domingo: I know these two.
Domingo: You’re boys are cops! They’re cops!
[everyone pulls out their guns]
Schmidt, Jenko: Police! Get on the ground!
Domingo: You get on the fucking ground!
Schmidt: We asked you first!
Domingo: I don’t give a damn!
Eric Molson: You’re fucking cops? We partied together, man. You bought us Taco Bell.
Schmidt: Eric, honestly, that was a sincere gesture.
Eric Molson: You made me this friendship bracelet.
Jenko: Well, he’s not really your friend! He was pretending the whole time, cause it’s a fake bracelet.
[referring to the bracelet]
Eric Molson: I’m gonna cut this the fuck off! I hate you!
[as Jenko, Schmidt and Eric are shouting at each other, Domingo turns to one his thugs]
Domingo: Woh! Woh! Shut this kid up!
[the thug hits Eric in the face]
[after Molly bursts into the room, Walters takes her hostage]
Mr. Walters: Drop the gun or she’s dead!
Schmidt: She looks dead already!
Mr. Walters: What? No!
[he looks at Molly, who’s now slumped in his arm]
Mr. Walters: Oh. Jesus.
[he gets his head closer to Molly]
Mr. Walters: Yeah, I can hear her breathing. She just passed out from the drugs, we’re good.
[to Schmidt and Jenko]
Mr. Walters: Drop the guns!
Jenko: Alright! Just chill out! We’re gonna drop out guns. You gotta let the kids go and no one’s gonna die, okay?
Mr. Walters: Just drop the guns and kick ’em over here.
[Jenko and Schmidt drop their guns]
Domingo: DB, shoot these motherfuckers.
Jenko: Oh, come on! That’s unfair! We put our guns down in good faith!
Schmidt: You’re a lier and you’re mean!
[Domingo’s thug walks over to Schmidt and Jenko and points his gun at them]
Schmidt: We’re all friends here! Let’s just relax and we can all leave here as friends.
Jenko: Yeah, let’s do that.
Tom Hanson: You all boys are stupid.
Schmidt: Oh, my God! We’re gonna die. We’re gonna die.
Tom Hanson: Goddammit!
[he turns and points his gun at Domingo]
Tom Hanson: Tom Hanson, DEA. On your knees!
Domingo: What the fuck?!
Tom Hanson: Now!
[Hanson starts taking off his disguise and suddenly another one of Domingo’s thugs joins Hanson]
Officer Doug Penhall: Fuck! Doug Penhall, DEA! You’re under arrest! Guns down! All of you! Domingo, tell ’em!
[to his men]
Domingo: Put ’em down. Put ’em down!
[Domingo’s men put their guns down]
Jenko: Nice! Yes!
[to Schmidt and Jenko]
Tom Hanson: Shut the fuck up! You little dweebs just ruined a five year investigation!
Schmidt: We had no idea, you’re like, an amazing actor, man.
Domingo: You played saxophone at my sister’s wedding, man!
Tom Hanson: Tough titty. I fucked her too!
[to Schmidt and Jenko]
Tom Hanson: You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this?
[showing his fake nose to Schmidt and Jenko]
Tom Hanson: You see this nose? That is a fake nose. You want to wear a fake nose on your fucking head, for, like, months on end? Glue and shit?
Schmidt: Worse things in the world.
Tom Hanson: We had to get fucking tattoos on our dicks, man!
Officer Doug Penhall: Yeah, actually, I just said that to mess with you.
Tom Hanson: What?
Officer Doug Penhall: It looks tough.
Jenko: Hey, look, no. I mean, look, we know what it’s like being undercover. Metro Police, Jump Street division.
Tom Hanson: Come on. You guys are with Jump Street?
Tom Hanson: That’s funny, because we were actually Jump Street.
Tom Hanson: Yeah!
Jenko: That’s crazy, man!
[suddenly Domingo shoots his gun hitting Hanson in the throat]
Schmidt: Woh! Oh, my God! Oh, shit!
[after Hanson gets shot at a gun fight breaks out and Schmidt starts firing his gun from behind a couch]
Schmidt: Did I hit anything?
Jenko: You were shooting at the fucking ceiling!
[during the gun fight, both DEA agents get shot, as they lie dying next to each other, Schmidt overhears Hanson speak to his partner]
Tom Hanson: I know sometimes I was a jerk to you since we were undercover. It’s just I didn’t feel good about myself. All that stuff I wore, like, the braceletes, the rings, the tight pants. It was just so that people would think I’m cool. The only approval that I ever needed, was from my best friend.
Officer Doug Penhall: Thanks, man.
[Schmidt is touched by this scene as they both die]
[as they are stuck behind the couch while Domingo’s men are shooting at them]
Jenko: We gotta get out of here, man!
Schmidt: Are you telling me it’s on?
Jenko: Let’s do this.
Schmidt: Let’s make a baby.
Jenko: What? What are you talking about?
Schmidt: I don’t know. I was trying something out. Sorry.
Jenko: Let’s go!
[as Domingo is chasing Walters, Schmidt and Jenko chase Domingo, in the limo they’re driving they find Lisa, while the three groups are shooting at each other Lisa stands up and shouts]
Lisa: Hey, I’m living my dream of standing in a limo!
[Domingo, who’s in the car ahead turns and shoots his gun smashing her champagne bottle]
Lisa: That guy killed my dream!
[as Jenko is trying to shoot at Domingo from their limo, Lisa keeps trying to open his pants]
Jenko: I’m not trying to shoot people! Will you stop! Just two seconds! You’re really hot and you’re really slutty and that’s awesome! But I gotta shoot people right now!
Lisa: You think I’m hot?
[as they run out of amo, Jenko comes up with an idea he got from his chemistry class]
Jenko: You still got those shot gun shells?
[he hands Jenko the gun shells]
Jenko: Pop quiz notes. What do you get when lithium batteries react to potassium nitrate? That would be a covalent bond, brother. That’s when two atoms, they share electrons. You see, they both need what the other one has. That makes them stick together.
Schmidt: Are you saying we’re covalent bonds?
Jenko: What? No! We’re not atoms, dude!
[Jenko throws the alcohol bottle he put the shotgun shells in and chucks it into Domingo’ limo which explodes and the blast causes Walter’s limo to crash as well]
[as they try to stop Walter’s from escaping, Walters shoots at Schmidt, but Jenko jumps in front of the bullets,taking two in the chest and one in the arm]
Schmidt: You shot my partner, you motherfucker!
[to Jenko, who was wearing a bullet proof vest]
Mr. Walters: I didn’t mean to shoot you!
[referring to Schmidt]
Mr. Walters: I meant to shoot him!
Schmidt: Are you alive, buddy? Are you okay? You took a bullet for me, man.
Jenko: Yeah. I’m feeling a little ambivalent about that right now.
Mr. Walters: Didn’t you hear me? I said don’t move! I said that! You heard, right? Eric, you heard me! I said, don’t move!
[as Walters is distracted, Jenko whispers to Schmidt]
Jenko: You got this.
[Schmidt point his gun at Walters and has flash back to all the times he choked in his life, suddenly as Molly elbows Walters in the stomach and runs out of his arm]
Schmidt: You peeked in high school, motherfucker!
[Schmidt shoots his gun]
Schmidt: Oh, shit! I shot him in the dick.
Mr. Walters: You shot me in the dick! Oh, my God!
[Schmidt jumps up in happiness]
Schmidt: Yes! Yes! Yes!
[he goes towards Walters]
Schmidt: You are under arrest! You have the right to remain silent!
[Jenko gets up and joins him in saying the Miranda rights to Walters]
Schmidt, Jenko: Anything you say, can and will be used against you in the court of law! You have the right to an attorney and if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you! Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you? Fuck you! Yes!
[after arresting Walters and reading him the Miranda rights]
Schmidt: Yes! We did it, man! We did it.
Jenko: God, that feels so good.
Schmidt: We did it, man.
Jenko: You’re a Goddamn rock star. Do you feel that? Goddamn, you’re so cool. You just shot him in the dick. I’ve never seen that. Who does that?
Schmidt: Look, I’m sorry I called you Rainman. I know I didn’t say you were, but you’re smart. You’re a smart guy, and you’re thoughtful, and you’re sincere, and…and you’re sweet and you’re loyal. And I fucking cherish you.
[there’s a pause as Jenko just looks at him]
Schmidt: Shall we high five?
[Jenko nods and they jump to do a high five]
Schmidt: Ow! My hand!
[seeing that Jenko is in pain from his bullet wound]
Schmidt: Are you alright? Do you need to go to the hospital, man?
Jenko: You need to call somebody.
Mr. Walters: Yeah, call somebody. I gotta get my dick sewn back on.
Jenko: Will you shut the fuck up!
Mr. Walters: That’s not funny.
[pointing to Walters dismembered dick lying on the ground]
Jenko: Is that it?
Mr. Walters: What?
[Walters screams when he sees his dismembered dick]
Mr. Walters: That’s my dick! Will you get my dick, please!
Schmidt: No! We’re not picking up your dick!
Mr. Walters: Fucking pick my dick up!
[since his hands are cuffed, Walters trys to pick up his dick with his mouth]
[after the ambulance and police have arrived, Schmidt walks up to Molly]
Schmidt: Molly, I’m really sorry. I know you wanted a guy to trust and I wanted to be that person so badly, and I let you down in a lot of ways. And it’s good that you’re mad at me. I think it’s good, I think you should be mad at more guys because you deserve a guy who…who’s good and who doesn’t lie to you. And you should never settle for less then that. There are good guys out there, who aren’t assholes like me.
Molly Tracey: Thanks for saving my life, asshole.
[Schmidt holds out his hand]
Schmidt: Put it there, partner.
[Molly smiles and kisses him]
[as they walks away from the crime scene]
Schmidt: We’re like in the end of Die Hard right now, but it’s our actual life! That’s crazy!
Jenko: Number one or two?
Schmidt: Three. Sam Jackson’s style!
[last lines; as Schmidt and Jenko return Jump Street church in triumph]
Captain Dickson: Congratulations, you crazy sick vigilantly, motherfuckers. You got your first arrest, huh? Look, I got something made for you.
[he gives them a framed copy of their first arrest report]
Schmidt: You didn’t!
Jenko: Oh, God!
[Jenko goes to give Dickson a hug but Dickson stops him]
Captain Dickson: Enough, already. Enough. New assignment. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self esteem, I’m a send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Jenko: Oh, I love Disneyland.
Captain Dickson: You two sons of bitches are goin’ to college!
Total Quotes: 116
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