[after she's accepted
Schmidt's invitation to go to the prom with him] Molly Tracey: Thanks
you for asking. [she slowly comes
towards him as if to kiss him, but suddenly Schmidt ruins the moment
and holds out his hand instead] Schmidt: Put
it there, man! Just...put it right there! Molly Tracey: I'm
putting it...right here. [she awkwardly shakes
[as the rest of the eco
kids come inside and join Schmidt and Molly] Lisa: Doug,
okay, settle an argument. You and your brother aren't related, right?
Cause he looks totally different. Schmidt: He's
adopted. We all suspect he's from a very lame family. [Jenko overhears this
and looks upset] Lisa: Where
is he tonight? Schmidt: Probably
at home with those lame tools he hangs out with. You know how Tom
Cruise is always pissed off at Rainman? That's like my life, except
Brad is really shitty at Math. [the eco kids laugh and
Jenko with his chem nerd friends overhear this] Zach: Your
brother's kind of a dick. Jenko: Yeah,
he kind of is, isn't he? Zach: Don't
listen to that.
[at 21 Jump Street,
after finding out that their designer drug is spreading to other high
schools] Captain Dickson: You
failed to stop the outbreak. And you have no leads! We are runnin' out
of time! You either find the supplier I'm a jump your asses off Jump
Street! Jenko: I
understand where you're coming from, sir. But look, I heard Eric
talking on the phone yesterday with somebody that sounded very suspect
about meeting up with the stuff in a piñata. Captain Dickson: Is
that a code for sex?
[as they leave Dickson's
office] Schmidt: Piñata?
Really? Jenko: Yep.
Remember that wire tap I put on Eric's phone? Well, when you were
having the time of your life last night, I was listening. I overheard a
phone call between Eric and some dude about a piñata. Schmidt: That's
all you heard? Jenko: Yep.
[Jenko, wearing a KNO3
sweater, gets in front of the chemistry class to recite his poem on
potassium nitrate] Jenko: Potassium
Nitrate. Don't hate, it's great. It can act as an oxidizer. I didn't
know that, but now I'm wiser. It has a crystalline structure. If you
can't respect that, you're a butt-muncher. It's a key ingredient in gun
powder, KNO3. Don't get no grief. It can be used to make corned beef.
It's also known as salt peter. [just
at that moment Jenko notices Eric leaving school and he excuses himself
from class goes get Schmidt, who's getting ready to go on stage as
Peter Pan, and follow Eric]
Eric and seeing he's meeting up with the One Percenters gang
gave them a piñata full of drugs, as the One Percenters leave, Jenko
Schmidt duck their heads in the car] Schmidt: What
are you doing? Jenko: If
they see us, just pretend like you're sucking my dick. Schmidt: What?
No! Jenko: Yes!
Stop! Schmidt: You
pretend like you're sucking my dick! Jenko: No,
just pretend like you're sucking my dick. Schmidt: Why
am I automatically blowing you? Jenko: Cause
you're in a fucking Peter Pan costume! Schmidt: Okay.
they accidently ram into the back of One Percenters, they chase Schmidt
and Jenko who go on the run as they get stuck in traffic] Jenko: What's
wrong with you? Run! Schmidt: I
can't! I'm wearing tights! Jenko: I
got skinny jeans on! It's the same fucking thing!
[a huge car chase starts
as they steal a car on the highway with the One Percenters right behind
them] Schmidt: They're
coming! They're coming! Jenko: I
got an idea! Why don't you text them and ask them to stop chasing us!
the One Percenters start shooting at them, Schmidt
gun left in the car and hesitates, failing to shoot one of the bikers,
Jenko grabs the gun and shoots for him] Schmidt: Why
did you shoot for me? Jenko: You
weren't shooting! You were chocking, so I had to save us! Schmidt: I
was gonna shooting! You always do this, every single time! Jenko: What? Schmidt: Seriously,
just take me back to school, man! If I miss this play, Molly's gonna
freak out! She's not gonna go to prom with me! Jenko: Are
you fucking serious? Schmidt: Fuck!
Yes, I'm serious.
[as Jenko drives them
back to school and Schmidt tries to make a run for it back to the play] Schmidt: I
can't believe you made me late. You're so selfish! Jenko: I'm
selfish? Schmidt: Yes!
You're selfish! Jenko: Are
you fucking kiddin' me? Look at yourself? You're in too deep, man.
Yesterday I found a college application on your desk! Schmidt: I
don't know how long this case is gonna last. And Eric's gonna get into
Berkeley! And honestly, I can get in too! Who knows, I could ride this
thing out, I could be a doctor or something! Jenko: Have
you lost your fucking mind? You'll screw this investigation all up. Schmidt: At
least I know my Miranda rights, you idiot. [Schmidt turns and leave
a stricken looking Jenko]
Schmidt pushes his way on stage trying to take over the play, Jenko
runs after him and jumps on Schmidt and they start fighting on stage] Jenko: You
made fun of me behind my back! Everybody laughs at me! Schmidt: I
was a loser for four years! You couldn't handle it for five minutes!
How does it feel, you motherfucker!
[back at 21 Jump Street
in Dickson's office, after getting expelled from school for fighting on
stage] Jenko: Is
that it? You're not gonna...you're not gonna scream at us? Captain Dickson: Nope.
I'm gonna just fire you.
[as Schmidt sees Jenko
moving his stuff out of his parents place] Schmidt: Moving
out? Jenko: Yep.
Do you know what's crazy to me? Cause I think that I actually thought
that we were brothers. I would have taken a bullet for you.
[Eric takes Schmidt and
Jenko to a deserted alleyway and pulls] Eric Molson: Some
messed up shit went down yesterday. Yeah, after we made the exchange,
our potential business partners got followed by some fucking cops. Schmidt: That's
insane, man. Are you serious? Eric Molson: Okay,
I just I don't wanna go to jail! You know what happens to a
handsome guy like me in jail? It rhymes with grape! It rhymes with
grape. I can't let that happen, so I got these from my dad's gun
cabinet. [he pulls out two guns] Schmidt: Eric!
Eric! Eric! Jenko: Woh!
Come on! Woh! Eric Molson: Springfield
45, police issue, very powerful guns. You know how to use that? Schmidt: We're
not really gun people, man. No. Eric Molson: A
lot of things have made me wonder about you. [pointing to Jenko] Jenko: Come
on. Eric Molson: You're
taste in music. The fact that you look like a fucking forty year old
man. And after that shit at the play, I realized...there's no way you
guys could be cops. Schmidt: Oh!
[Eric gives them his
guns] Eric Molson: I
got this deal going down, the supplier's gonna be there. I need people
I can trust. Okay? Right over here we're gonna shoot these bottles.
We're gonna practice, okay? Schmidt: Okay. [Schmidt and Jenko shoot
the bottles hitting all of them perfectly] Eric Molson: That
was actually really fucking awesome. Schmidt: Beginners
luck. Eric Molson: Alright,
the supplier wants the deal to go down at prom. There's gonna be all
these heavies there, but as long as you guys have my back, yeah? Schmidt: We've
always got your back.
[after they help each
get ready for the prom] Schmidt: Jenko,
uh...will you go to the prom with me? Jenko: I
guess. Schmidt: Are
we really gonna take down a whole drug operation by ourselves? Jenko: I
got some contacts that'll help us. [cut
to scene of them rolling up to the prom in a white
doves flying out and the chem nerds are also with them with some hot
[after getting to the
prom, Schmidt notices Molly on the dance floor but she looks like she's
tripping on the designer drug] Molly Tracey: Hey,
pumpkin head. I'm very mad at you. Dance with me. Schmidt: Are
you on that shit? Molly Tracey: So
what if I am? Schmidt: Look,
Molly, some serious stuff is about to go down. And...and...and I don't
want you to get hurt. Molly Tracey: I've
already been hurt, Doug. I don't care. Schmidt: You
need to leave! You need to leave, you need to get of here, right now! Molly Tracey: You're
making a lot of hand gestures. Schmidt: Okay.
My name is not Doug, it's Schmidt. Molly Tracey: What? Schmidt: And
I'm a cop. Molly Tracey: What? Schmidt: Okay?
And...and I care about you, and...and I don't want you to get busted.
So... so you have to leave, right now! Leave the prom right now, Molly.
[Eric takes Schmidt and
Jenko to the meeting with the supplier and they realize it's the gym
teacher] Jenko: Mr.
Walters? Mr. Walters: Hey,
beautiful Brad! And his brother. [shaking Jenko's hand] Mr. Walters: Wow!
You look great! Jenko: You're
the supplier? You're a teacher! Mr. Walters: And
I was stuck on a teacher's salary, bro. Couldn't barely pay my alimony.
[after the One
Percenters arrive at the meeting, Jenko and Schmidt turn around, scared
that they will get recognized] Domingo: What?
You're having a party now? Who are these two motherfuckers? Jenko: Hey. Schmidt: Hey.
How's it going? Eric Molson: No.
No. It's cool, man. They're my boys, so. Domingo: Are
they? Eric Molson: Yeah. Domingo: I
don't like strangers Eric Molson: How
do you expect to make any new friends with that attitude? It's like,
everyone's a stranger until you give them a chance, man. Domingo: What
the fuck are you talkin' about? Eric Molson: I
don't even... Fuckin' around. Do your thing, man. Proceed.
kid. Come here. Now you, you look familiar. Schmidt: Me? Domingo: Yeah. Schmidt: I
was in a..uh...a French fry commercial when I was a kid. So people are
like, you know, often say I think I know you. But I don't think...I
don't think we've ever met before. Domingo: Do
I look like I eat French fries? Schmidt: No,
you look like you're in great shape, but maybe you have like corn cheat
day. Like a carb...carb blow out. You know? I don't know. Domingo: No. Schmidt: Yeah,
I think you saw me I was like... [he starts singing] Schmidt: Come
to Andrew's French Fry Emporium, where friendship and French fries go
hand in hand!
[as Molly reaches the
crazy phase of her drug trip, she starts pounding on their door,
calling Schmidt a cop] Molly Tracey: I'm
gonna kill you! You stupid fucking cop! Schmidt: Hey,
you guys. She just called me a stupid fucking cop. That's rude. [Molly pounds on the
door again, shouting] Molly Tracey: Dick
head! Fuck! Motherfucker! Jenko: Did
she just say, nighead, dark motherfucker? That's...that's just racist. Domingo: I
know these two. [to Eric] Domingo: You're
boys are cops! They're cops! [everyone pulls out
their guns] Schmidt, Jenko:
Police! Get on the ground! Domingo: You get
on the fucking ground! Schmidt: We
asked you first! Domingo: I
don't give a damn!
Eric Molson: You're
fucking cops? We partied together, man. You bought us Taco Bell. Schmidt: Eric,
honestly, that was a sincere gesture. Eric Molson: You
made me this friendship bracelet. Jenko: Well,
he's not really your friend! He was pretending the whole time, cause
it's a fake bracelet. [referring to the
bracelet] Eric Molson: I'm
gonna cut this the fuck off! I hate you! [as Jenko, Schmidt and
Eric are shouting at each other, Domingo turns to one his thugs] Domingo: Woh!
Woh! Shut this kid up! [the thug hits Eric in
[after Molly bursts into
the room, Walters takes her hostage] Mr. Walters: Drop
the gun or she's dead! Schmidt: She
looks dead already! Mr. Walters: What?
No! [he looks at Molly,
who's now slumped in his arm] Mr. Walters: Oh.
Jesus. [he gets his
head closer to Molly] Mr. Walters: Yeah,
I can hear her breathing. She just passed out from the drugs, we're
good. [to Schmidt and Jenko] Mr. Walters: Drop
the guns! Jenko: Alright!
Just chill out! We're gonna drop out guns. You gotta let the kids go
and no one's gonna die, okay? Mr. Walters: Just
drop the guns and kick 'em over here. [Jenko and Schmidt drop
shoot these motherfuckers. Jenko: Oh,
come on! That's unfair! We put our guns down in good faith! Schmidt: You're
a lier and you're mean! [Domingo's thug walks
over to Schmidt and Jenko and points his gun at them] Schmidt: We're
all friends here! Let's just relax and we can all leave here as friends. Jenko: Yeah,
let's do that. Tom Hanson:
You all boys are stupid. Schmidt: Oh,
my God! We're gonna die. We're gonna die. Tom Hanson: Goddammit! [he turns and points his
gun at Domingo] Tom Hanson: Tom
Hanson, DEA. On your knees!
What the fuck?! Tom Hanson: Now! [Hanson starts taking
off his disguise and suddenly another one of Domingo's thugs joins
Hanson] Officer Doug Penhall:
Fuck! Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest! Guns down! All of you! Domingo: Domingo,
tell 'em! [to his men] Domingo: Put
'em down. Put 'em down! [Domingo's men put their
guns down] Jenko: Nice!
Yes! [to Schmidt and Jenko] Tom Hanson:
Shut the fuck up! You little dweebs just ruined a five year
investigation! Schmidt: We
had no idea, you're like, an amazing actor, man. Domingo: You
played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man! Tom Hanson:
Tough titty. I fucked her too! Domingo:
What? [to Schmidt and Jenko] Tom Hanson:
You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to
infiltrate a gang like this?
[showing his fake nose
to Schmidt and Jenko] Tom Hanson: You
see this nose? That is a fake nose. You want to wear a fake nose on
your fucking head, for, like, months on end? Glue and shit?
Worse things in the world. Tom Hanson:
We had to get fucking tattoos on our dicks, man! Officer Doug Penhall:
Yeah, actually, I just said that to mess with you. Tom Hanson:
What? Officer Doug Penhall:
It looks tough. Jenko: Hey,
look, no. I mean, look, we know what it's like being undercover. Metro
Police, Jump Street division. Schmidt: Yeah. Tom Hanson:
Come on. You guys are with Jump Street? Jenko: Yeah! Schmidt: Yeah. Tom Hanson: That's
funny, because we were actually Jump Street. Jenko: What?
Tom Hanson: Yeah! Jenko: That's
crazy, man! [suddenly Domingo shoots
his gun hitting Hanson in the throat] Schmidt: Woh!
Oh, my God! Oh, shit!
[after Hanson gets shot
at a gun fight breaks out and Schmidt starts firing his gun from behind
a couch] Schmidt: Did
I hit anything? Jenko: You
were shooting at the fucking ceiling!
the gun fight, both DEA agents get shot, as they lie dying
each other, Schmidt overhears Hanson speak to his partner] Tom Hanson: I
know sometimes I was a jerk to you since we were undercover.
just I didn't feel good about myself. All that stuff I wore, like, the
braceletes, the rings, the tight pants. It was just so that people
would think I'm cool. The only approval that I ever needed, was from my
best friend. Officer Doug Penhall: Thanks,
man. [Schmidt is touched by
this scene as they both die]
[as they are stuck
behind the couch while Domingo's men are shooting at them] Jenko: We
gotta get out of here, man! Schmidt: Are
you telling me it's on? Jenko: Let's
do this. Schmidt: Let's
make a baby. Jenko: What?
What are you talking about? Schmidt: I
don't know. I was trying something out. Sorry. Jenko: Let's
Domingo is chasing Walters, Schmidt and Jenko chase Domingo, in the
limo they're driving they find Lisa, while the three groups are
shooting at each other Lisa stands up and shouts] Lisa: Hey,
I'm living my dream of standing in a limo! [Domingo, who's in the
car ahead turns and shoots his gun smashing her champagne bottle] Lisa: That
guy killed my dream!
[as Jenko is trying to
shoot at Domingo from their limo, Lisa keeps trying to open his pants] Jenko: I'm
not trying to shoot people! Will you stop! Just two seconds! You're
really hot and you're really slutty and that's awesome! But I gotta
shoot people right now! Lisa: You
think I'm hot?
[as they run out of amo,
Jenko comes up with an idea he got from his chemistry class] Jenko: You
still got those shot gun shells?
Schmidt: Yeah! [he hands Jenko the gun
shells] Jenko: Pop
quiz notes. What do you get when lithium batteries react to potassium
nitrate? That would be a covalent bond, brother. That's when two atoms,
they share electrons. You see, they both need what the other one has.
That makes them stick together. Schmidt: Are
you saying we're covalent bonds? Jenko: What?
No! We're not atoms, dude! [Jenko
throws the alcohol bottle he put the shotgun shells in
it into Domingo' limo which explodes and the blast causes
limo to crash as well]
they try to stop Walter's from escaping, Walters shoots at Schmidt,
but Jenko jumps in front of the bullets,taking two in the
and one in the arm] Schmidt: You
shot my partner, you motherfucker! [to Jenko, who was
wearing a bullet proof vest] Mr. Walters: I
didn't mean to shoot you! [referring to Schmidt] Mr. Walters: I
meant to shoot him! Schmidt: Are
you alive, buddy? Are you okay? You took a bullet for me, man. Jenko: Yeah.
I'm feeling a little ambivalent about that right now. Mr. Walters: Didn't
you hear me? I said don't move! I said that! You heard, right? Eric,
you heard me! I said, don't move!
[as Walters is
distracted, Jenko whispers to Schmidt] Jenko: You
got this. [Schmidt
point his gun at Walters and has flash back to all the times he choked
in his life, suddenly as Molly elbows Walters in the stomach and runs
out of his arm] Schmidt: You
peeked in high school, motherfucker! [Schmidt shoots his gun] Schmidt: Oh,
shit! I shot him in the dick. Mr. Walters: You
shot me in the dick! Oh, my God! [Schmidt jumps up in
happiness] Schmidt: Yes!
Yes! Yes! [he goes towards Walters] Schmidt: You
are under arrest! You have the right to remain silent! [Jenko gets up and joins
him in saying the Miranda rights to Walters] Schmidt,
Jenko: Anything you say, can and will be used against you
in the court
of law! You have the right to an attorney and if you cannot afford an
attorney, one will be appointed for you! Do you understand these rights
as they have been read to you? Fuck you! Yes!
[after arresting Walters
and reading him the Miranda rights] Schmidt: Yes!
We did it, man! We did it. Jenko: God,
that feels so good. Schmidt: We
did it, man. Jenko: You're
a Goddamn rock star. Do you feel that? Goddamn, you're so cool. You
just shot him in the dick. I've never seen that. Who does that? Schmidt: Look,
I'm sorry I called you Rainman. I know I didn't say you were, but
you're smart. You're a smart guy, and you're thoughtful, and you're
sincere, and...and you're sweet and you're loyal. And I fucking cherish
you. [there's a pause as
Jenko just looks at him] Schmidt: Shall
we high five? [Jenko nods and they
jump to do a high five] Schmidt: Ow!
[seeing that Jenko is in
pain from his bullet wound] Schmidt: Are
you alright? Do you need to go to the hospital, man? Jenko: You
need to call somebody. Mr. Walters: Yeah,
call somebody. I gotta get my dick sewn back on. Jenko: Will
you shut the fuck up! Mr. Walters: That's
not funny. [pointing to Walters
dismembered dick lying on the ground] Jenko:
Is that it? Mr. Walters: What? [Walters screams when he
sees his dismembered dick] Mr. Walters: That's
my dick! Will you get my dick, please! Schmidt: No!
We're not picking up your dick! Mr. Walters: Fucking
pick my dick up! [since his hands are
cuffed, Walters trys to pick up his dick with his mouth]
[after the ambulance and
police have arrived, Schmidt walks up to Molly] Schmidt: Molly,
I'm really sorry. I know you wanted a guy to trust and I wanted to be
that person so badly, and I let you down in a lot of ways. And it's
good that you're mad at me. I think it's good, I think you should be
mad at more guys because you deserve a guy who...who's good and who
doesn't lie to you. And you should never settle for less then that.
There are good guys out there, who aren't assholes like me. Molly Tracey: Thanks
for saving my life, asshole. [Schmidt holds out his
hand] Schmidt: Put
it there, partner. [Molly smiles
and kisses him]
[as they walks away from
the crime scene] Schmidt: We're
like in the end of Die Hard right now, but it's our actual life! That's
crazy! Jenko: Number
one or two? Schmidt: Three.
Sam Jackson's style! Jenko: Yeah!
[last lines; as Schmidt
and Jenko return Jump Street church in triumph] Captain Dickson: Congratulations,
you crazy sick vigilantly, motherfuckers. You got your first arrest,
huh? Look, I got something made for you. [he gives them a framed
copy of their first arrest report] Schmidt: You
didn't! Jenko: Oh,
God! [Jenko goes to give
Dickson a hug but Dickson stops him] Captain Dickson: Enough,
already. Enough. New assignment. Since you two cowboys love to drink
booze, smoke weed with kids and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans
with low self esteem, I'm a send you to a place where all that shit is
allowed. Jenko: Oh,
I love Disneyland. Captain Dickson: You
two sons of bitches are goin' to college! Schmidt: Yes! Jenko: No!