22 Jump Street Quotes(Page 2)
[Zook and the rest of the frat boys start initiating Jenko and Schmidt into their fraternity]
Zook: Pledges, tonight we separate the weak from the strong. If you don’t make it through tonight, you’re dead to all of us! Rooster, light the torch!
Rooster: For Zeta!
[Rooster lights the torch and the frat boys cheer, the clock shows 11:32 p.m. when frat boys subject Schmidt and Jenko to drinking games as they chant to them]
Frat Boys: Drink, motherfuckers! Drink, motherfuckers! Drink, motherfuckers! Drink, motherfuckers! Drink, motherfuckers! Drink, motherfuckers…
Jenko: Dude, no matter what happens you have to keep up. Okay?
Schmidt: I’m gonna throw up!
Jenko: Another shot. Go!
[we then see the clock showing 1.18 a.m. and Schmidt and Jenko are subjected to dunking their heads into buckets of water]
Zook: Ready! Go!
[Schmidt and Jenko dunk their heads into the water to see how long they can hold their breath]
Zook: One! Two! Three…
[suddenly Schmidt’s head pops back up]
Schmidt: I can’t do it! I can’t do it no more!
Zook: Twenty is the record!
[as Zook keeps on counting Jenko still has his head in the water]
Zook: Thirty-three! Thirty-four…
[Jenko is still holding his head in the water as Zook continues to count]
[finally Jenko’s head emerges from the water and the frat boys all cheer]
[at 3.44 a.m. we see Jenko jumping over a high stack of beer bottles and boxes impressing the frat boys with his move while Schmidt clumsily just goes straight through the bottles and boxes knocking them all down; then at 4.27 a.m. they play their last game]
Jenko: You can do this. You can do this.
Schmidt: I can’t! This is disgusting! I can’t do this anymore!
Zook: And now, for my favorite event.
[Schmidt turns to see pigs being brought in]
Schmidt: Fuck this! I’m not doing this.
[Schmidt turns and starts to leave]
Jenko: Where are you going?
Schmidt: I’m not doing this, okay?
[Jenko follows Schmidt as he walks out the fraternity initiation]
Jenko: Hey Schmidt!
[Schmidt turns to face him]
Schmidt: What the fuck, man?
Jenko: What is your problem? You said you wanted to stick together! This is what we have to do to win their trust. It’s supposed to be fun. It’s just drinking and bonding games. It’s fun!
Schmidt: It’s fun for you, it’s not fun for me.
Jenko: I don’t know, maybe we should just…maybe we should just…just investigate different people.
Schmidt: Did you really just say that? Did you really just say that you want to investigate other people? That’s what you want?
Jenko: I don’t know, maybe. Maybe we should just…we should just branch out. Okay? Just sow our oats a little. Sow our cop oats. Look, I have an in with Zook. We have a thing and it’s good, and I don’t know, maybe I should just stay closer to him. And you should do your thing with your…connections and channels with Cynthia’s roommate. You should see if she knows who sold her drugs.
Schmidt: I just…I just don’t want…don’t like the idea of us doing stuff separately.
Jenko: No, look, we can still investigate together. It’s just, you know, now it’ll be an open thing.
Schmidt: You want an open investigation?
Jenko: I don’t know if that’s what I want. Alright? I think it’s time right now for us to try.
[Schmidt looks visibly upset]
Jenko: I guess I’ll just catch you later then.
[Schmidt nods his head looking sad]
Jenko: You okay?
[Jenko goes towards him to comfort him]
Schmidt: No, you can’t hug me right now.
Jenko: Do you want to freak out?
Schmidt: No, I don’t want to freak out.
[Jenko turns and leaves; to himself]
Schmidt: I don’t know where the fuck I am right now.
[early in the next morning Schmidt walks to his dorm holding his shoes in his hand when he spots another student walking to the dorm too]
Schmidt: Hey, Lauren. I just want to get to bed and watch Friends all day.
[Schmidt watches the college football game in the crowd as Jenko runs onto the field with the rest of the players]
Football Game Announcer #1: Let’s hear it for your Metropolitan City State College Statesman!
Football Game Announcer #2: And the Statesmen take the field in the opening game against the University of College Generals.
Football Game Announcer #1: In a surprise start today with the walk-on freshman Brad McQuade.
Football Game Announcer #2: Looks pretty old to be a freshman.
Football Game Announcer #1: It’s the hormones in the milk, bud.
[as the game starts Zook catches the ball]
Football Game Announcer #1: Haythe drops back.
Football Game Announcer #2: And caught by McQuade, who beats Wilk like an egg white on my famous bread recipe.
[as the coach watches Jenko play]
MCS Coach: Holy shit, he’s good.
[to the other players]
MCS Coach: None of you tell him in the play that he’s good! Alright? If you do he’ll leave the City program.
Football Game Announcer #2: As the clock ticks down we’ve got time for one last play.
[Jenko catches the ball and does another touch down]
Football Game Announcer #2: Another perfect hook up between Haythe and McQuade.
Football Game Announcer #1: Even their celebrating is in perfect sync. It’s like these two share a single brain, Bob.
Football Game Announcer #2: That’s right, Jim. They both have one half a brain. And the crowd rush to the field to try and knock down the goal post.
[the coach watches the crowd trying to take the goal post down]
MCS Coach: It’s not coming down!
Football Game Announcer #2: Good luck, guys.
Football Game Announcer #1: Looks like MC State got a new power couple. Zook and McQuade!
[Schmidt sits alone staring in disbelief as everyone is rushing down to the field]
Stadium Fan: I gotta get around you, man. I can’t jump up cause I got a broken ankle.
[Schmidt moves his legs so the older fan can go past him]
[Schmidt is sat in his room watching Jenko and Zook doing bench press on his iPad with jealousy when he decides to send Jenko a text message]
[Schmidt watches as Jenko get the text and takes his phone out of his pocket to look]
[Jenko shakes his head and puts his phone back in his pocket]
Zook: Dude, who is that?
Jenko: Doesn’t matter.
Zook: Are you ready?
[Schmidt watches and looks upset and frustrated at being ignored by Jenko]
Zook: Alright! Come one! Focus!
Jenko: Focus. Focus.
[Schmidt continues to watch them as they continue do their bench press together]
Zook: Come on!
[just then someone knocks on Schmidt’s door]
Schmidt: There’s a sock on the door! Don’t come in! I’m having sex with a human woman!
[he goes back to watching Jenko and Schmidt]
Zook: Oh, God!
[as Schmidt is walking through the college campus he suddenly get an unwelcome surprise from his parents]
Annie Schmidt: Hey!
David Schmidt: Look at you!
Schmidt: What are you guys doing here?
Annie Schmidt: What, are you kidding? It’s parents weekend.
[Annie hugs Schmidt]
[later as they walk through the campus]
Annie Schmidt: That’s wonderful. You’re dating someone.
Schmidt: Thanks, Mom. Listen, we’re undercover.
[Maya is getting a ticket for something]
Maya: Thank you.
[she looks up to see Schmidt with his parents]
Schmidt: Maya! Hey.
Schmidt: These are my parents.
Annie Schmidt: Oh, so this is the girl?
Annie Schmidt: Hi, I’m Annie. I’m your new mother in-law.
[Annie laughs as she goes to hug a confused looking Maya, Schmidt looks embarrassed]
Maya: Nice to meet you.
[quietly to himself]
Schmidt: We’re students.
David Schmidt: Hi.
[they shake hands]
Maya: Nice to meet you.
Maya: Well, uh…my parents are here too.
[just then Maya’s father calls out to her]
Captain Dickson: Maya! Hurry up. Your mama done found a table she want.
[just then Schmidt and Dickson notice each other, Dickson walks over to Maya]
Captain Dickson: How do you know this person?
Maya: Dad, this is Doug, a guy that I’m dating.
Captain Dickson: What the fuck?
Schmidt: I-I was…
Captain Dickson: How’s your classes going, Doug?
Schmidt: …was just in the neighborhood…
Annie Schmidt: I have an idea. Why don’t we all sit together? Wouldn’t that be fun?
Maya: Yes, thank you.
[Dickson is giving Schmidt the evil eye as they are sat in awkward silence at the restaurant]
Schmidt: So, do you like weather?
Mrs. Dickson: Do you two know each other?
Captain Dickson: No.
Schmidt: It’s crazy all these uh…student and parents, potential witnesses.
Mrs. Dickson: How did you two meet?
Annie Schmidt: Oh, I love meet-cute stories.
Maya: We met at a Poetry Slam and then he stalked me back to my dorm room.
Captain Dickson: Stalked her?
Annie Schmidt: Oh, that’s so beautiful.
Captain Dickson: Then what happened?
Maya: And then we hung out and we watched a movie. Actually we watched it a couple times.
[Maya grabs Schmidt’s hand and he let’s go of it as he feels Dickson getting angrier]
Schmidt: Yeah, babe.
Captain Dickson: This is bullshit! It’s fu…! Waiter! What can a black man do get some water around here?!
Schmidt: Give the fucking guy some water! He’s black, he’s been through a lot!
Mrs. Dickson: For the sake of your daughter, please keep it together.
Captain Dickson: I’m gonna need a motherfucking crane before I go crazy. I’ll be right back.
[Dickson gets up and walks off]
David Schmidt: So, uh…where are you from originally?
Mrs. Dickson: I’m straight out of Compton. But my husband’s from Northridge.
[Dickson walks over to the food counter where the waiter is serving]
Captain Dickson: My man, hook me up.
[the waiter dishes out some beans onto his plate]
Captain Dickson: What the fuck are ya’ll doin’? Are ya’ll rationing around here? Come on! Hook me up.
[the waiter places more beans on his plate]
Captain Dickson: Two little fucking string beans. Give me the Goddamned string beans!
[suddenly he puts his hands in the bowl of beans and picks a handful up and dumps it on his plate then goes around the table picking up the rest of the food with his hand and slams it on his plate]
Captain Dickson: I want some fucking deviled eggs! I like fruit! Don’t you like fruit? I like fruit!
[he picks up the lid on one of the good containers]
Captain Dickson: This pork shit! Goddammit!
[he tosses the food container aside in anger]
[as they hear Dickson having a fit at the food service area]
Schmidt: He’s really taking it out on the wrong…
[Dickson continues on shouting in the background]
Captain Dickson: That shit is nasty!
[to Schmidt and his parents]
Mrs. Dickson: He’s under a lot of pressure at work.
[back to Dickson shouting as he makes his way around the food service area]
Captain Dickson: What’s up? Wanna go to the movies?
[he starts stabbing a cooked chicken]
Captain Dickson: Break your motherfucking legs! Break your legs!
[he tosses the chicken aside, Maya then gets up from the table and leaves, back to Dickson who turns to face a massive flower plant by the food service table]
Captain Dickson: What? How you doin’ Mr. Nice Plant? Get your fucking ass in there!
[he kicks the plant aside]
[Jenko is with Zook and his buddy’s celebrating at their frat house]
Zook: Hey, you want another drink?
Jenko: Yeah, yeah.
[Zook leaves to get Jenko a drink when Jenko notices a small bag of Why-Phy drug in Zook’s bag, later as Jenko is working out with Zook]
Jenko: Hey, look man, you know you can always tell me something if you want to get it off your chest. You know I’m always here for you, right?
Zook: What are you trying to say?
Jenko: No, nothing. Alright, everything that happened with Cynthia and Why-Phy. I just don’t want you to screw up.
Zook: You don’t think I know what I’m doing?
Zook: I know exactly what I’m doing here.
Zook: I’m gonna tell you something, alright? Can I trust you?
Jenko: Yeah, of course.
Zook: I have a friend who knows a guy at UMC, he’s a scout, and they’re QB, he’s not playing well, they’re unhappy with the situation, they want me to make a tape. And I want you to be on it with me.
[Jenko looks a little surprised]
Jenko: N-n-nothing else?
Zook: And they had five guys in draft last year. Brad, this could be our shot. We’re like the dynamic duo, bro. We’re like Batman and Robin, but we’re both Batman. What do you want to be? Like a stock broker? Or a cop? Dude, your ceiling is like…so high. You can just bust right in it.
[he raises his hand and uses his other hand to punch through it]
Jenko: Just break through it.
[they both simultaneously bust through the palm of their hand with the other hand and chant]
Jenko, Zook: Right through it. Right through it. Right through it.
Jenko: You really think I can make it to UMC?
Zook: Dude, you can make it into the hall of fame.
Jenko: No, that’s you. You’re gonna be in like the annals of football history.
Zook: Dude, you could make it into the annals of football history too. We’re gonna have to tear those annals up.
Zook: We’re gonna fucking tear it up.
Jenko: I mean, it’s just a tape, right?
[after the dinner with their parents Maya and Schmidt return to her room]
Maya: I fucking hate my dad so much. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have a guy like that telling you what to do all the time.
Schmidt: I can only imagine.
Maya: I just don’t understand what his problem is with you specifically? I don’t…
[just then Schmidt gets a text from Dickson]
“What up, “Doug”?”
Maya: Oh, Jesus. That make no sense to me.
[Dickson follows that up with another text message]
“I’m gonna kill you, “Doug”.”
Maya: I mean you are a perfectly good guy, you’re very honest and nice.
[Schmidt gets two more text messages from Dickson]
“U are a dead man, “Doug”.”
[the next message shows symbols for a skull, gun, knife, hammer and the word “Doug”]
Maya: Why does my dad have your phone number?
Schmidt: Uh…I don’t…I don’t know. Maybe a school directory or something.
Maya: Let’s do something…let’s do something that would distract us.
Maya: So we don’t have to think about him anymore.
[Maya starts kissing him which makes Schmidt uncomfortable and he pulls away]
Schmidt: Alright, um…Maya, is it okay if we just talk?
Maya: Okay, let’s talk.
[Maya and Schmidt are sat on the couch talking]
Maya: No way!
Schmidt: Yeah. I was Peter Pan but then I was like late.
Maya: You were a lot closer to your brother then, it seems like.
[Schmidt looks a little sad as he agrees]
Schmidt: Yeah. Yeah.
[we then see Jenko with Zook making their football tape on the computer and laughing]
Zook: You’re a fucking genius, dude!
Jenko: Are you sure it’s not too much though?
[they keep working on it until the next morning]
Jenko: All night. We were up all night!
Zook: Yeah, but it’s going to be so worth it, dude. It’s going to be fucking worth it, I promise.
Jenko: Alright, here we go.
Zook: You know what this needs? Another…
[they both speak at the same time]
Zook, Jenko: Star wipe. Jinks. Buy me a beer. Nice twist. On what?
Maya: I can’t believe we’ve been talking all night.
[looking at her phone]
Maya: Oh, my God! It’s eight o’clock. I…I have a class actually.
Maya: Um…uh, yeah, you can help yourself to whatever you need. And um…I’m so sorry about this. I’ll see you.
[she kisses Schmidt]
Maya: I’ll see you later.
Maya: Best night ever. Okay. Bye!
[looking happy Maya leaves Schmidt]
[moment after Maya leaves Schmidt hears someone clear their throat, he looks across the room and sees Mercedes sitting n her bed staring at him]
Schmidt: How long have you been there?
Mercedes: Like the longest amount of time you could think of right now.
Schmidt: This stuff wasn’t meant for you, it was meant to be private.
Mercedes: So am I supposed to just sit here and not act like I hear every one of your problems? You got ninety-nine problems, but being young isn’t one.
Schmidt: You’re just jealous because Maya and I have a real connection.
Mercedes: I’m pretty close with my Grandpa too. You’re more messed up than Cynthia was, and she went to the school shrink three times a week.
Mercedes: I don’t know, but he gave her a ton of pills and shit. Maybe he could give you something for your weird old face.
[Schmidt is sat in the hallway of Cynthia’s therapist office waiting for Jenko when he finally appears]
Schmidt: You’re late.
Jenko: No, actually I was busy with the investigation.
Schmidt: This is Cynthia’s therapist office, this is our investigation.
[they go towards Murphy’s office, Schmidt looks around]
[they enter Murphy’s office]
Schmidt: Watch the door.
Jenko: Oh, then, I’m good for just watching the fucking door.
[as Schmidt starts looking around the office Jenko gets a text message from Zook]
Schmidt: Got it!
[Schmidt finds Cynthia’s file and starts reading from it]
Schmidt: Patient suffers drug induced paranoia, thinks her life is in danger.
[at the same time Jenko gets distracted Zook’s text which reads]
“Where U @?”
“B there soon. Thing w my bro is taking forever.”
[just then the office door opens]
Jenko: Door! Door!
[Murphy enters his office]
[as Murphy enters his office he looks suspiciously at Schmidt and Jenko]
Dr. Murphy: I wasn’t told that I had a 9 a.m. session.
Schmidt: Yeah. No, we are 9 a.m., that’s us.
Jenko: And we are cured, thank you very much. You’re an amazing doctor.
[Jenko goes to leave]
Dr. Murphy: Please, you think you’re the first partners to come in here looking for help only try to run when you’re first faced with talking with me?
Jenko: How the fuck did you know we were partners?
Schmidt: He doesn’t know we’re partners.
Dr. Murphy: I suspect your partners.
[after Schmidt and Jenko are forced to sit and have a session with Murphy]
Dr. Murphy: A relationship is something that requires constant work.
Schmidt: Which is what I thought we were in high school.
Dr. Murphy: So you are high school sweethearts. I picked up on that early. Please, continue the dialogue.
Schmidt: Doc, I just feel like sometimes he’s not even trying anymore. Like this isn’t even worth saving.
Jenko: Oh, okay. Well sometimes I feel like that we should be more like the Yangs.
Schmidt: Or maybe I should be more like your beautiful Zook.
Jenko: Oh, go fuck yourself!
Schmidt: You go fuck yourself!
Dr. Murphy: Okay. Okay.
Schmidt: You’re so selfish!
Dr. Murphy: Alright, aright.
Jenko: Oh, my God.
Dr. Murphy: There’s a lot of fucking. Given all these strong feelings sometimes I like to have the participants make physical contact. Why don’t you hold hands?
Jenko: I’m not doing that.
Dr. Murphy: Hm?
Schmidt: Do you see?
Dr. Murphy: Reach out your hand.
[Schmidt holds out his hand towards Jenko]
[Jenko shakes his head]
Dr. Murphy: He’s literally reaching out for you.
Schmidt: He won’t hold my hand.
Jenko: I’m not doing that.
Dr. Murphy: I kind of need you do it.
Schmidt: He won’t hold my hand.
Jenko: Oh, you fuck!
[reluctantly Jenko holds Schmidt’s hand and Jenko struggles to interlock their fingers]
Schmidt: You gotta interlock it though.
Schmidt: If you don’t interlock it…
Dr. Murphy: Okay, you can stop.
Schmidt: …I’m not hand holding.
Schmidt: Might as well be just…just be friends.
Schmidt: And not partners.
[Jenko now interlocks his hand with Schmidt]
Dr. Murphy: Nice, right?
[holding up their interlocked hands]
Jenko: Okay, you see this? This is strong. What I want to be able to have is this.
[he tries to untangles his fingers and hand from Schmidt’s who’s holding it tightly]
[he finally manages to free his hand from Schmidt’s]
Jenko: I want to be able to have that, that same thing, in…in like without actually having to do it.
Dr. Murphy: Are you embarrassed of your partner?
Jenko: No, not at all. Okay, and why the fuck are you guys ganging up on me? Gang up on him. Okay? Seriously.
Schmidt: Okay. Okay.
Jenko: He’s clingy, he literally gets terrified of being by himself.
Schmidt: Look, I know Zook’s your buddy and you don’t want him to be guilty, but he’s our guy.
Jenko: No, he’s actually not our guy, I would know.
Dr. Murphy: No, you know, we sometimes cling to things because they’re familiar and comfortable. I teach about a principle called “embedding.”
Schmidt: Look at the facts!
Dr. Murphy: As a matter of fact I…
Schmidt: Zook has the tattoo.
Dr. Murphy: Uh…
Schmidt: He knew Cynthia. I know the first time he met you you dropped a fucking sandwich on his foot and he smiled at you, but you are completely blind to the fact…
[Schmidt suddenly realizes something and turns to Murphy]
Schmidt: What did you say “embedding” was?
Dr. Murphy: “Embedding?” Oh, “embedding” is our tendency to latch onto the first bit of information that we’re offered and overlooking or even ignoring contradictory information.
Jenko: It’s a fascinating principle…
Schmidt: Shut up, I’m thinking.
Schmidt: Do you think it’s possible that we embedded?
Jenko: What like when we were drunk or something we embedded each other?
Dr. Murphy: Okay, I’m gonna write that you two…
Schmidt: Okay, you can leave the room. Just…just get the fuck out.
Jenko: Get the fuck out, you heard him.
Dr. Murphy: This took a turn.
Dr. Murphy: Okay.
[Murphy gets up and turns to leave]
Dr. Murphy: Yep. Good session.
[Murphy leaves the room]
Schmidt: The first time we saw the photo of Cynthia buying Why-Phy, Dickson said, “This guy’s the deal.” Everything we’ve done or thought has been based on that fact, but what if Dickson was wrong?
Jenko: And we’ve ignored all the other clues.
Schmidt: What if Cynthia wasn’t the buyer? What if Cynthia was the dealer?
[the duo are in Dickson’s office at the headquarters]
Jenko: Captain, we have something really really important to tell you about…
[he’s interrupted by Schmidt as he plays with the Velcro of his bulletproof vest]
[looking at Schmidt]
Jenko: Are you wearing Kevlar?
[Dickson, who’s holding a gun, looks coldly at Schmidt]
Captain Dickson: Now, gentlemen, we’re not gonna sit here and pretend there’s not a big assed elephant in the room.
[he places his gun on his desk]
Jenko: What the fuck is going on?
[Captain turns his photo of Maya on his desk around to show Jenko]
Captain Dickson: This is what the fuck is going on.
[Jenko looks at Maya’s photo then at Schmidt for a moment before realizing what’s happened]
Jenko: Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
[Jenko starts laughing]
Jenko: Oh, shit! No! That is not happening right now!
[he turns and walks out of Dickson’s office]
[Jenko goes into the main area of headquarter and announces to everyone]
Jenko: Hey, y’all he’s fucking the Captain’s daughter! Yoh! Oh, my fuck!
Captain Dickson: Every time he say that shit, that’s another foot in your ass!
[Jenko returns outside Dickson’s office]
Jenko: Schmidt, you clearly…
[he slams against the glass walls of the office]
Jenko: Yoh, this is the best thing ever!
[he laughs and runs around the headquarters yelling]
Jenko: Schmidt fucked the Captain’s daughter!
Jenko: Schmidt fucked the Captain’s daughter! Schmidt fucked the Captain’s daughter!
[he enters Dickson’s office]
Jenko: Shit! Fuck!
[to Schmidt as he continues to laugh hard]
Jenko: You fucked Captain Dickson’s daughter? Captain? What the fuck? You bragged to him to his face! To his actual face. Captain. Do you understand that this face…
[pointing to Dickson’s cold angry face]
Jenko: …right here! You bragged to that face!
Jenko: You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter? Holy Shit! Oh, my God! This is…
[Dickson picks his gun up and places it back on the desk, with the barrel facing Jenko, Jenko quietens down, sits and composes himself]
Jenko: It’s really not that funny.
Schmidt: I just want to say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State.
Captain Dickson: I think it’s bizarre that I haven’t cut your motherfucking nuts off.
Jenko: What if Captain gets to punch you in the face one time, really, really, really hard.
Captain Dickson: Nah, I got somethin’ way better than that.
[we see Dickson tasing Schmidt in the balls]
[back in Dickson’s office]
Captain Dickson: You think Cynthia was the dealer? How the fuck are we gonna infiltrate the dealer if the dealer is dead?
Schmidt: We have to stop treating this like it’s exactly the same as last time.
Captain Dickson: And we got a bigger problem. No more money in the budget.
Jenko: What? I thought we had Cate Blanchett.
Captain Dickson: Cate Blanchett?
Jenko: Yeah, I thought we had Cate Blanchett with the budget.
Schmidt: You mean carte blanche.
Jenko: That one.
Captain Dickson: Welcome back dumb-dumb. We did have carte blanche. Not no more. You got that expensive chasing in the beginning, that expensive equipment, this fucking office. This look like some shit Iron Man would have. Shit’s expensive! I got on eight hundred dollar shoes and you can’t even see the motherfuckers!So now you two motherfuckers are in a crosshairs. Warning: find the supplier or don’t cost the department no more.
[as they leave the headquarters building]
Schmidt: Look I apologized about the Zook thing. You were right, he’s not the dealer.
Jenko: Okay, great. You apologized. What’s that worth, man? Now we have no leads. What are we supposed to do now?
Schmidt: Police work.
[the duo they enter Cynthia’s room and start searching, as they search Jenko comes across a massive dildo and throws it at Schmidt]
Schmidt: Aah! Don’t throw a fucking dead person’s dildo at me. We’re at work now, okay?
[Jenko notices some books]
Jenko: They still check out books, right?
Schmidt: I didn’t think they’d know how to read.
[Jenko opens the book and they see a square hole has been cut in the middle of the book, they look at each other and say at the same time]
Jenko: Book place.
[looking at Jenko]
Jenko: The suppliers putting drugs inside the books in the library where literally no one goes anymore, man.
Schmidt: And the dealers check out the books. We’re gonna catch the supplier.
[just then Jenko gets a call and gets his phone from his pocket]
Schmidt: Dude, do you realize…
Jenko: Wait, wait, wait, a second! It’s Zook. It’s Zook.
[Jenko answers his call]
Jenko: What’s up, dude?
Schmidt: Hey, dude, where are you? We’re warming up, the game is about to start.
Jenko: Alright, man. Um…look, I’m just gonna…I’m…I’m coming. Alright, later.
[Jenko ends the call]
Schmidt: What are you doing? Don’t leave me hanging.
Jenko: I gotta go and warm up or I’ll blow my cover. Okay? You can do this alone, I’ll be back in two hours. You got this.
[Jenko turns and starts running off]
[as Jenko goes off to join Zook and the team to play football, Schmidt goes to the library and hears some voices]
Library Goon: This is the place? You’d think that for somebody that wants to show us the operation, at least be on time.
[Jenko slowly peeks through a book shelf and sees Ghost and his goons]
The Ghost: Look at this crap, huh?
[whispering to himself]
Schmidt: Jesus. What’s he doing here?
The Ghost: I do miss the days when people did normal drugs.
[Jenko starts texting Jenko]
“Come to the library right now. I’m in the stacks. Ghost is here.”
The Ghost: What is this? Jelly beans? Crap.
[back to the football game with Jenko and Zook]
Football Game Announcer #1: McQuade crosses. It’s a trick play! These two are practically interchangeable. McQuade throws down the field at Haythe.
[Jenko throws the ball and watches as Zook catches it]
Football Game Announcer #1: And he hands out with a touch down!
Football Game Announcer #2: These two are peas in a pod, Bob. But instead of little green balls they are human football players.
[back to Schmidt texting Jenko again as he keeps an eye on Ghost and his goons]
“Hello??? R U ignoring me?”
[back at the football field Jenko and Zook take a seat on the bench for a break]
Football Game Announcer #2: Let’s hear it once again, MC State, for your dynamic duo!
[the crowd cheers, then Jenko hears his cell phone vibrating and looks at his phone reading Schmidt’s text message]
Jenko: Oh, shit! My brother needs me again.
Zook: You know, loyalty’s cool, I admire it. I know he’s your brother and everything, but you can’t allow yourself to be held down by a guy just because he won’t let go.
[Jenko looks as his phone as he gets another begging text from Schmidt]
Jenko: Yeah, I know. I’ve gotta take care of this.
[Jenko stands and starts to leave]
The kid’s pretty rude to make us wait like this.
The Ghost: Can you shut it. What’s wrong with the classic drugs of the nineties? Heroin, you know?
[just then Jenko enters the library, still wearing his football gear, and goes over to where Schmidt is hiding out]
Jenko: Hey. Hey.
Schmidt: Woh! Shit.
Jenko: I can fucking hear you down the…
Schmidt: Ssh! Ghost is right there, okay? He’s about to meet up with the supplier.
[Ghost and his goons hear the noise Schmidt and Jenko are making; to his goon]
The Ghost: Hey, check that out.
[Ghost’s goon starts making his way to the back; to Jenko]
Schmidt: Ssh! I fucking told you to be quiet.
[suddenly Schmidt pushes Jenko down to his knees in front of him as the goon comes over to them]
Library Goon: What’s going on here?
Schmidt: Shit! Um…you’re…you’re interrupting a really stellar blow job. Oh! fuck, I just came so hard!
The Ghost: What the hell is going on?
Library Goon: It’s okay. It’s just a couple of faggots.
Jenko: Yoh, what the fuck did you say? Did you just call us faggots?
Library Goon: He said you were sucking his dick.
Jenko: It’s 2014, asshole. You can’t fucking use faggot. Gay’s okay, homosexual maybe and if you know the person you might be able to call them queer, if they have a great sense of humor, but I don’t.
Schmidt: I’m sorry, he took one Human Sexuality class and he thinks he’s Harvey Milk.
[turning to Schmidt]
Jenko: Oh, my God! Will you please just for once just back me up!
Schmidt: Why can’t you just use your head for once?
Jenko: Oh, you want me to use my head?
[suddenly Jenko turns and head butts the goon who collapses to the floor]
[Jenko takes off his football helmet as she faces Ghost and his goons]
Jenko: Oh, yeah! What’s up now, motherfuckers! You remember me? I’m your best nightmare…I’m your worst nightmare.
The Ghost: Oh, man. It’s my memory, it’s getting worse lately. Are you the police?
Jenko: Yeah, that’s right. And you motherfuckers are all under arrest.
[Schmidt appears and stands behind Jenko]
The Ghost: Where’s your gun?
The Ghost: Do you have guns?
Jenko: No. No, I don’t.
The Ghost: Because we have guns.
[the two goons standing behind Ghost point their guns at Jenko and Schmidt]
Jenko: Well, why don’t you put your guns down and let’s fight like men?
The Ghost: Because, we have guns.
[he gets his own gun out, suddenly Jenko throws his helmet at Ghost and his goons]
Jenko: Schmidt, run!
[to his goons]
The Ghost: Get ’em!
[they both start running]
[the duo get shot at by Ghost’s goons as they try to get away from them in the library]
The Ghost: Shoot ’em!
[the goons keep shooting at Schmidt and Jenko]
Schmidt: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
The Ghost: Shoot ’em!
[the duo make it out of the library and onto a balcony, Jenko looks down]
Jenko: Come on, this way it’s faster.
[Schmidt ignores him and heads towards the balcony stairs]
Jenko: No, just come this way! Schmidt! Schmidt! Aah!
[Schmidt’s stars running down the stairs, Jenko climbs over the balcony railing]
Jenko: Hurry up, okay?
[Jenko jumps down and grabs hold of the lower floor balcony railing and notices Schmidt running across towards the next set of stairs]
Jenko: Yoh, Schmidt, will you hurry up?
Schmidt: Stop yelling at me, you’re distracting me!
[Jenko jumps down the next level while Schmidt is still running down the stairs]
Jenko: Schmidt, come on!
Schmidt: I can’t jump down! I’m not like fucking Spider-Man.
Jenko: I’m gonna get the car!
[Jenko turns and jumps over the railing]
Schmidt: The stairs are so much faster.
[as Schmidt finally runs down the last set of stair Jenko pulls up in helmet-shaped car]
Schmidt: That’s the car you got?
Jenko: I’m sorry it’s not a fucking Lambo! Shut up and get in!
[Jenko gets in]
Schmidt: Are they still chasing us?
Jenko: Yes, they’re chasing us!
[Jenko drives off]
[Ghost and his goons chase the duo in a hummer whilst their car is going slowing going across the campus]
Schmidt: Why did you do that when we were about to catch the supplier? What’s wrong with you?
Jenko: Look, if you don’t say something people will never stop discriminating!
[slamming onto the car dashboard]
Jenko: Will you please do something about how slow this thing’s going?
[Schmidt reaches down and pull something which causes the car to speed up and Jenko to lose control]
Jenko: Oh, shit!
Schmidt: Watch out, watch out!
[they just miss hitting the concrete MC State sign on the grass when Ghost’s hummer comes up behind them and smashes straight through it]
The Ghost: That thing’s like a little helmet machine.
[Ghost and his goons chase the duo all across the campus]
Schmidt: We can’t destroy anymore stuff! We can’t waste anymore of the department’s money! Watch out for that cash machine!
[Jenko narrowly misses hitting the cash machine but Ghost’s hummer crashes straight into it]
[as they come across a campus sign]
Jenko: Which way? Which way? Which way?!
Schmidt: Which ever way’s cheaper.
[Jenko swerves the helmet car to go towards the Meditation Sculpture Quadrangle instead of the parking lot]
Schmidt: Jenk, you went right?! You could have gone to the parking lot, but you went to sculpture garden? Do you know how expensive that’s gonna be?!
[as Ghost’s hummer chases after them they crash into the sculpture causing a large amount of damage]
Jenko: It’s like they’re trying to hit ’em or something! I mean it looks cool, but I mean it’s just so wasteful.
Schmidt: They’re destroying everything! Captain is gonna kill us! What are we gonna do?
Jenko: Alright, we’re gonna lose them in the robotics lab.
[Jenko turns the car towards the lab with Ghost’s hummer following them breaking through the glass window, we hear more thing breaking and being damaged as they leave the lab]
Schmidt: Oh, no! Oh, they broke everything!
Jenko: I know, they got some expensive stuff in there.
[Ghost and his goons start shooting at them]
Jenko: Oh, shit!
[to his goon as they follow Schmidt and Jenko in their helmet vehicle]
The Ghost: They’re going into the stadium!
[as they head towards the stadium]
Jenko: Listen, Schmidt, I gotta tell you something. I got offered a scholarship to play football here next year, and Zook said I could room with him. You know, so I was thinking that I could do that maybe.
Schmidt: What?! You can’t be a cop and stay here and play football with Zook!
Jenko: No, look, I know, okay? It’s just since first time in meeting Zook, we’re the same.
Schmidt: Do you want out? If you want out just say it!
Jenko: No, I don’t want out! Okay? It’s just when I’m on the football field and I’m diving for a pass, I feel like I can fly! Alright? And when I’m with you, it just feels like you hold me down. I just wish you could fly with me.
[back at the stadium the football game comes to an end]
Football Game Announcer #1: Now the Statesman win, thirty-four, fourteen. And here are the fans onto the field.
[just then as Jenko drives them under the stadium, Ghost and his goons smash their car into the low ceiling, Jenko then drives them onto the stadium field]
[Ghost gets out of his hummer hugging his shoulder in pain]
The Ghost: Jesus Christ!
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