22 Jump Street Movie Quotes: Self-Referential Humor(Total Quotes: 163)
Directed by: Phil Lord and Chris Miller
Michael Bacall (story & screenplay)
Oren Uziel (screenplay)
Rodney Rothman (screenplay)
Jonah Hill (story)
Patrick Hasburgh (television series “21 Jump Street”)
Stephen J. Cannell (television series “21 Jump Street”)
Jonah Hill – Schmidt
Channing Tatum – Jenko
Peter Stormare –
Wyatt Russell – Zook
Amber Stevens – Maya
Jillian Bell – Mercedes
Ice Cube – Captain Dickson
The Lucas Brothers – Keith & Kenny Yang
Nick Offerman – Deputy Chief Hardy
Jimmy Tatro – Rooster
Caroline Aaron – Annie Schmidt
Craig Roberts – Spencer
Marc Evan Jackson – Dr. Murphy
Joe Chrest – David Schmidt
Eddie J. Fernandez – Scarface
Rye Rye – Jr. Jr.
Johnny Pemberton – Delroy
Stanley Wong – Roman
Dax Flame – Zack
Richard Grieco – Booker
Anna Faris – Anna
Dave Franco – Eric Molson
Rob Riggle – Mr. Walters
Seth Rogen – Morton Schmidt
OUR REVIEW & RATING ★★★★☆
Good sequels let alone comedy sequels are a precious balance between retreading the old stuff and coming up with something new that works. 22 Jump Street quotes faced that challenge and managed to make it work by using it’s self-awareness as the in-joke. Using the exact same premise as the first film the story unfolds with Schmidt and Jenko being assigned to go undercover at a local college campus to take on yet another drug ring operation.
The lazy use of the script is totally forgiven as what we get are brilliant fast paced relentless jokes with some really clever comedy, even during some of the more absurd scenarios. This time it feels like both Tatum and Hill have been given more room to play to their strengths which has contributed to their great chemistry. Ice Cube continues to be excellent as their ill-tempered foul-mouthed boss and totally steals every scene he’s in and figures in one of the most laugh out loud scenes that is worth watching the whole film for alone.
If there’s a fault it’s that it’s a touch too long, but just as it starts to flag a little it completely redeems itself with its climatic end credit scene.
Verdict: The sequel succeeds where all others have failed because of its clever use of self-referential irony, the skillful combination of the comedic duo and intelligent humor. Definitely a worthy sequel despite the similar premise.
Voice Over: Previously on 21 Jump Street.
[a young long haired Jenko notices a young Schmidt in his Slim-Shady in the school hallway]
Jenko: You’re a fucking nerd.
[then it cuts to Jenko sitting in his principals office]
Principal: Boy, you’re lucky you even graduated.
[next it cuts to the police academy with Jenko slamming Schmidt to his back on the wrestling mat]
Schmidt: Fuck! You’re good at this, huh?
[next it cuts to Jenko failing his test and Schmidt passing with top grades]
Jenko: You’re really good at this?
Jenko: Hey, you wanna be friends?
[we see them training together and becoming friends as they graduate the academy]
[we see some footage from the previous film when they are fooling around in a park pointing their guns at each other]
Schmidt: This isn’t loaded.
[we see them on their last case in 21 Jump Street going back to high school, then fooling around with some lobsters at Schmidt’s house]
Jenko: Just touch it! Just touch it.
[then Jenko takes a photo of Schmidt holding the lobster]
Schmidt: Alright, alright, alright.
[Schmidt places the lobster in a large pan; next it cuts to when they took down the drug dealers Mr. Walters and Eric Molson and Jenko takes a bullet for Schmidt]
Schmidt: You took a bullet for me, man!
Mr. Walters: You shot me in the dick!
[next it cuts to Jenko and Schmidt walking back into the police station and everyone cheering for them and then cuts to the end when Dickson tell them they’re going to college]
Captain Dickson: You two sons of bitches are goin’ to college!
[at college a professor is giving a lecture to his class]
University of Internet Professor: Yin is characterized as slow, soft, passive, and it’s associated with water in femininity. While Yang, by contrast is…
[we then see Schmidt and Jenko are watching the lecture on their iPad as they stand by their car in a parking lot]
Schmidt: Man, this is B.S. I thought we were going to actual college, not online college, listening to coded messages and lectures.
Jenko: What are you talking about? Look around. This is our city. What do we want to be in college for?
Schmidt: You’re right. Partners for life.
[they fist pump each other then look back at the screen as the professor gives them the coded message]
University of Internet Professor: At Metro City Port, the tide comes in at 10:30 a.m., then it will return to the sea.
Jenko: That’s our port. In and out.
[they open up the trunk to reveal a lot of handguns]
Schmidt: Let’s do this.
[they start fooling around whilst holding the guns]
Schmidt: Surprise, there’s two more arms.
[they head to Metro City Port and Schmidt notices the wanted drug lord, The Ghost]
Schmidt: Shit! That’s The Ghost.
Jenko: The Ghost?
Schmidt: Lousten Nielsen. The biggest trafficker of illegal goods in Mexico City. Then he teamed up with the Mexican cartel and running all this shit through the poor. What the hell are we supposed to be buying?
Jenko: I don’t know.
[Schmidt starts buttoning up his shirt]
Jenko: What are you doing?
Schmidt: Huh? I got a new identity that’s gonna be killed. I’m going to be throwing it to you to make it legit.
Schmidt: I’m gonna need you to improvise, okay?
Jenko: I don’t know how to improvise.
Schmidt: I’m gonna need you to improvise.
Jenko: I don’t fucking want to improvise, I don’t know what we’re doing.
Schmidt: Okay, I need absolute silence until I can form the character.
Jenko: What? What do you mean…
Schmidt: I need absolute silence while I form the character.
[Schmidt closes his eyes and puts his fingers by the bridge of his nose to concentrate]
Jenko: Can you give me like a head start on the character…
Schmidt: I need absolute silence. I need absolute silence.
Jenko: Can you please just…
Schmidt: I need absolute…absolute silence.
[Schmidt gets out of the car now looking like his character, wearing a bandanna on his head and sunglasses, Jenko joins him carrying a bag, they start walking with Schmidt doing his character’s walk]
Jenko: Oh, are you fucking serious right now?
[the head over to meet with Ghost and his men]
The Ghost: Alright! I hate people who are late.
Schmidt: We’re trying to see that product.
[pointing to the van]
Schmidt: Oh, shit. Yoh, Sleepy! What’s up, homie? You know my cousin Savoy?
Scarface: I think you’ve got the wrong guy, homes?
Schmidt: That’s bullshit. man! You’re Sleepy. Everyone’s sayin’ Nebario’s Sleepy, he’s like the Mexican Wolverine and shit. Hey, my partner here, he wanna see the product.
Scarface: Why ain’t he talking?
[Jenko hesitates before replying in a high pitched Mexican voice]
Jenko: My name is…Jeff.
Schmidt: He’s half A, man.
Schmidt: Hey, but tell him about Massey Kissi dinner, man. Tell him about that crazy adventure you guys had.
[Jenko look at Schmidt uncomfortably]
Jenko: I don’t know…what you’re talking about.
Schmidt: Oh, man! When you were telling the story last night, you had so much detail. The details was so rich…
Jenko: I don’t know…
Schmidt: It was rich detail. Go into incredibly descriptive details of the story so that we all know.
[Jenko looks uncomfortable]
Jenko: Oh, yes. Uh…it was Dora, and Diego and Swiper.
Schmidt: And who was that you choked out, man? Oh, he had it coming. Who was that?
Schmidt: No, man! That wasn’t Boots! Boots isn’t a real name. You gotta tell them the real story, man. Start over from the top! That’s a made up name!
[The Ghost walks over and looks at Schmidt and Jenko with suspicion]
The Ghost: Can’t believe the punks I have to deal with these days.
[he pulls out a switchblade and ejects the blade]
The Ghost: Really makes me miss the 90s.
[he places the edge of the knife against Schmidt’s throat for a moment]
The Ghost: When we had professional around.
[he then turns the knife around and offers it to them]
The Ghost: You want to check out the goods? Check it out.
[Schmidt takes the knife]
The Ghost: And shut up. Right?
[to Scarface; referring to Ghost]
Schmidt: Where did you find this gringo, man? The fucking Mumford & Sons concert and shit?
[Schmidt and Jenko get into the back of Ghost’s truck and open a crate]
Jenko: What is it? Guns? Drugs?
[suddenly an octopus jumps on Schmidt’s face]
Schmidt: Oh! Oh, no! No!
[the octopus then starts inking in Schmidt’s mouth]
Schmidt: It’s inking in my mouth!
[Jenko tries to get the octopus off Schmidt’s face]
Schmidt: Tenticle is in me!
[Jenko tries to pry the octopus off of Schmidt’s face]
Jenko: It’s so strong! It’s got a pretty strong hold, man.
Schmidt: Get it off my face!
[finally Jenko manages to pull the octopus off of Schmidt’s face, not realizing that in their panic they had drop their accents]
Schmidt: Ah! Shit!
Jenko: We got murdered by exotic animals. It’s like we expected it to be in there.
The Ghost: Your accents are gone, man. Take them out, guys. They’re cops.
[suddenly Ghost and his men start shooting at them]
[as Ghost’s men are shooting at them, Ghost gets into the truck and starts pulling away]
Jenko: What was that?
Schmidt: I think we’re moving.
[Ghost drives off in the truck]
Schmidt: We’re definitely moving!
[as the animals in the crates are set loose]
Jenko: There’s fucking bird and shit in here!
[some birds fly past them]
Schmidt: What the fuck?!
[then Jenko notices a reptile]
Jenko: There’s a fucking dragon in here!
[suddenly Jenko screams when a bird lands on his back]
[as Ghost drives off he hits into Schmidt’s and Jenko’s car making it explode]
Jenko: What was that?
[they look out to see their car burning]
Jenko: Dude, that was our car! We shared so much in that car! I’m going to shoot him in the face, man! That was our fucking car!
[suddenly Jenko hops on top of the truck]
Schmidt: What are you doing? I can’t t-move onto the truck! Don’t make me do the move!
Jenko: Just get up here!
Schmidt: I can’t do that!
Jenko: Then fucking climb around, come on! Climb around!
[Schmidt goes to climb onto the roof]
Jenko: Come on, buddy! You go it!
[Schmidt dangles on the side of the truck]
Schmidt: This is so scary! Don’t leave me out here!
[to Scarface as Schmidt is trying to climb onto the roof]
Jenko: Shoot him!
[Scarface takes his gun out and tries to shoot Schmidt]
Scarface: I’m all out!
The Ghost: You stupid moron!
[finally Jenko manages to help Schmidt climb onto the truck’s roof]
Jenko: Come up.
Jenko: Alright! You good?
Jenko: All you gotta do is follow me now, okay?
[Jenko turns to go and as Schmidt goes to follow him his foot in a rope, he falls over the edge, dangling over the edge of the truck]
Jenko: Dude, get up here!
Schmidt: I can’t!
Jenko: Alright, fine! I can do this…
Schmidt: I’m gonna die!
Jenko: You’re not gonna die! Just get the fuck up here!
[Jenko uses the end of the rope to drag Schmidt across the truck as he continues to dangle over the edge]
Jenko: Pull yourself up. Use your foot. Come on, come on, come one!
[Jenko manages to pull Schmidt up and onto the roof]
Jenko: Yeah! You good to stand on your own now?
Scarface: I think we lost them.
[suddenly Jenko leaps onto front of the truck]
[then Jenko breaks something off the roof]
Scarface: He’s like the fucking Terminator!
[Jenko starts hitting the windshield and breaks it]
Jenko: You are under arrest! Pull the truck over! I said pull the fucking truck over, right fucking now!
[he puts his arms inside through the whole in the windshield and grabs hold of Ghost]
Jenko: You owe me a car! It better be a fucking Lamborghini, you bitch!
[at the same time Schmidt finally manages to stand on the roof]
Schmidt: I did it!
[as he’s holds onto Ghost through the broken windshield]
Jenko: You have the right to remain silent!
[Schmidt suddenly notices a beam coming up ahead]
Schmidt: Oh, shit!
[Schmidt goes smack straight into the beam sending him flying and as Jenko is tied to Schmidt via the rope, Jenko goes off the hood as well and the both hang off the beam]
The Ghost: Holy Moses!
[Ghost and Scarface get away as Schmidt and Jenko hang off the beam]
Jenko: Shit! What happened?
Schmidt: I think they got away.
[Schmidt and Jenko sit in front of Hardy, who simply stares at Schmidt]
Deputy Chief Hardy: Is that a hickey?
[Schmidt turns his head to reveal massive marks on the side of his neck]
Schmidt: Oh, this uh…this was actually uh…an octopus from the incident. Um…I opened a crate, and uh…the octopus had leapt onto my face and it has…apparently they have many many arms. Um…
Deputy Chief Hardy: They have eight tentacles.
Schmidt: Yes. And uh…
Deputy Chief Hardy: Look, ladies, nobody gave a shit about the Jump Street reboot when you first came on. Anyone with half a brain, myself included, thought it was destined to fail spectacularly. But you got lucky. So now this department has invested a lot of money to make sure Jump Street keeps going. We’ve doubled their budget, as if spending twice the money guaranteed twice the profit.
Jenko: Yeah. Like that’s gonna work.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Yeah. Well, the Commissioner’s convinced this debacle happened because you weren’t doing the same undercover student thing you did the first time. She doesn’t get that it’s always worse the second time around. You settle into worn out roles.
[pointing to Schmidt then Jenko]
Deputy Chief Hardy: One gets possessive, the other runs away. You begin a slow painful unraveling as all of the good things that came before begin to be crushed by the trash compactor of sadness.
Schmidt: That doesn’t sound like us. I mean…
Deputy Chief Hardy: I’m getting a divorce.
[there’s a small pause]
Jenko: We don’t want to do the same thing. We want to burst through our ceiling, you gotta find another ceiling and you gotta bust through that one. And you just gotta keep hammering ceilings…
Schmidt: Okay, okay, okay.
Jenko: What if we actually went to the Secret Service and like try to protect the White House? I think, I’m saying we can…
Schmidt: I don’t think…I don’t think that would work.
Deputy Chief Hardy: I’m gonna ask you to stop talking.
Jenko: I thought it was a pretty good idea.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Do the same thing as last time. Everyone’s happy.
[Jenko and Schmidt are standing outside the Korean church at 21 Jump Street]
Jenko: I can’t believe the Koreans bought their church back.
Schmidt: Yeah. But I mean good thing there was even a bigger abandoned church directly across the street.
Jenko: Yeah, that’s convenient.
Schmidt: Yes, it is convenient.
[they walk over to the bigger church at 22 Jump Street]
Jenko: Next year we’ll probably be just right back across the street, just next door.
Schmidt: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Jenko: I’m not ahead of ourselves, it’s right next to us.
[as they walk into the church at 22 Jump Street we see behind them is a sign for “23 Jump Street Condominiums”]
[as they enter inside the church at 22 Jump Street]
Jenko: This is awesome, like way more expensive for no reason.
Schmidt: Look at Dickson’s office. Looks like a giant cubicle of ice.
[they walk over to Dickson]
Captain Dickson: How you bitches like Jump Street now?
Captain Dickson: You all see this shit? 22 Jump Street is the lick. And I gotta big ass raise to babysit you two fuckers again.
[referring to the interior of the headquarters]
Captain Dickson: Designed it myself. We got espresso bar, thinking about a shark tank over there.
Jenko: Ooh, I like sharks.
Captain Dickson: Fuck 21 Jump Street, and fuck the Korean Jesus.
Jenko: Ooh, Cap, come on.
[pointing to the massive statue opposite them]
Jenko: Korean Jesus is right there.
Captain Dickson: That’s Vietnamese Jesus. See, this a Vietnamese Church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit. Look at that. Vietnamese Jesus just drippin’ swagoo.
Captain Dickson: And we got some new dumb-ass interns.
[to the interns]
Captain Dickson: Hey, hey! Look alive!
Jenko: Ha-ha! Boys!
Delroy: Yoh, Jenko!
[he holds up his and curls his fist like he’s strangling Jenko’s neck, Jenko pretends he’s being strangled then holds up his and pretends to do the same to Delroy]
Roman: Hey, Schmidt!
[Roman tries to do the same to Schmidt, but Schmidt just looks at them and shakes his head]
Schmidt: Don’t do that.
[Jenko and Schmidt are sat in Dickson’s office]
Captain Dickson: So you want the same shit, so here we go.
[he throws a folder to Schmidt and Jenko]
Captain Dickson: Same identities, same assignment.
Jenko: We’re going back to high school?
Captain Dickson: Your ass look like you’re about fifty. You’re going to MC State.
Schmidt: We’re going to college, for real?
Captain Dickson: Somebody’s out here, they’re cooking up a new drug. It’s Adderall mixed with Ecstasy, mixed with God knows what else.
[Jenko looks at his file and tries to read the name of drug which is “WHYPHY”]
Captain Dickson: No, you dumb motherfucker. Why-Phy. Stands for: Work Hard? Yes, Play Hard? Yes. Now these kids take this shit and they get laser focused for about four hours studying and then they party it’s like Goddamn 1999.
[referring to the photo of a girl in his file]
Schmidt: Who’s this?
Captain Dickson: That’s Cynthia Watson. She was a student at MC State, took Why-phy, got locked out of her dorm, ended up falling off the roof. Now she’s dead.
[Dickson passes a folder with photo’s of Cynthia Watts to Jenko]
Captain Dickson: That’s her buying drugs on campus, and that’s the dealer. Find him and we’ll find the supplier.
Schmidt: Sir, can I just say, it is so refreshing to have a case with a black victim. I mean, we care so much more because she’s black.
Jenko: I…I think what he’s really trying to say is that we care equally. It’s a tie really how much we care.
Schmidt: Um…no we’re not. If it was a white person I wouldn’t even care. One less crackerass crackhead to worry about.
Captain Dickson: Why every time you speak I want to throw the fuck up? Infiltrate the dealer, find the supplier!
[Jenko and Schmidt arrive at MC Stat campus]
Schmidt: You alright?
Jenko: Yeah. It’s just I’m the first person in my family to pretend to go to college.
[Schmidt gives him a comforting pat on the shoulder]
Schmidt: Best part is we get to do it together.
[they walk together down the dorm hallway carrying all their stuff]
Jenko: What’s up, college?
[referring to their dorm room number]
[to one of the students]
Jenko: What’s up, bro? Fuck high school, right?
[he gives the student a high five]
Schmidt: Fuck me, that is cool.
[as they enter their dorm room]
Jenko: Oh, so tight!
Schmidt: Oh, this is so baller. Hey!
[Jenko jumps onto his bed and hits his head on the mattress]
Schmidt: Oh. Yoh, that’s uh…that looks like cum.
[Jenko quickly gets off the bed]
Jenko: It’s cum, okay. Alright.
[Schmidt steps outside and says to the student passing by]
Schmidt: Already got cum on the mattress, dog.
[they look at the stuff they’ve brought to college]
Schmidt: Welcome to college.
Jenko: Fuck, yeah.
[they face each other holding their hampers]
Jenko: Pop-up hamper.
[they release their pop-up hamper at the same time]
Schmidt: Shower caddy.
[Schmidt holds the shower caddy and places something in it]
Jenko: Hot plate.
[Jenko holds out the box containing the hot plate]
Schmidt: Bean bag chair.
[Schmidt holds out the bean bag chair]
Jenko: Hilarious shirt that signals we drink alcohol.
[Jenko holds up a shirt with slogan “Beer Pong”]
Jenko: Three shower poofs.
[holds them up]
Schmidt: Some bacon machine that my mom got me. I do not understand how it works.
[holds up the box containing the machine]
Jenko: This thing.
[Jenko holds up a retro looking desk lamp]
[Jenko smacks the box of Q-tips out of Schmidt’s hand by hitting him with the bean bag chair]
Jenko: Bean bag chair.
[they both hold one end of the comforter]
Jenko: Comforter that I will not wash for the next 6 months.
Schmidt: That’s true.
[we see their weapons and bullets]
Jenko: Super high tech police gear.
[Schmidt holds up a gun]
Schmidt: Carte blanche with the budget, motherfucker.
[Jenko sticks up a poster of a Lamborghini on the wall in their dorm room]
Schmidt: I’m gonna veto that poster, it’s a touch childish.
Jenko: Okay. What do Lambo’s have to do with touching children?
Schmidt: Lambo’s are lame.
Jenko: I get one choice. I get one thing that I’m not…I can just do whatever I want to.
Schmidt: It’s just that we have to agree. You know what I mean?
[they are then interrupted by two students]
Kenny Yang: What up, fellas? We’re your across the hall neighbors.
Jenko: Oh, you’re twins. What’s up, man?
Kenny Yang: We’re the Yangs, man.
Jenko: What’s going on, man?
Kenny Yang: Kenny Yang. What’s up?
Schmidt: What’s going on?
Keith Yang: Keith Yang.
Kenny Yang: How you doin’, man?
[they all shake hands]
Jenko: Did you say the Yangs?
Kenny Yang: Yeah, dad’s Chinese, man.
Keith Yang: Our mom’s not Chinese, she’s black.
Keith Yang: She’s like real black.
Kenny Yang: Like Wesley Snipes black.
Keith Yang: Exactly.
Schmidt: We’re brothers too.
[the Yangs laugh]
Jenko: No, he’s not…he’s not kidding. He’s serious.
Keith Yang: Oh, really?
Kenny Yang: Is like one of you older?
[pointing to Schmidt and Jenko]
Keith Yang: You got crows feet under your eyes, man.
Keith Yang: You specific.
Schmidt: We’re actually just normal college age.
Kenny Yang: I mean even if you were older, that’s cool, man. Because, you know, girls here love older dudes.
Keith Yang: That’s true.
Kenny Yang: Plus, the girls are here, especially during Spring Break.
Jenko: I love Spring Break. But I do have to say I’ve fucked a thousand girls by now, and I don’t know, at the end of the day you just kind of want something that’s just a little deeper really.
Keith & Kenny Yang: Yeah, balls deeper.
[they turn to each other and say at the same time]
Keith & Kenny Yang: James bought me a coke. Oh, snap, man. We’re still saying the same thing! This is amazing! Carrots, pumpernickels, glow sticks, twins!
Kenny Yang: Cool, dude.
Keith Yang: That was so sweet.
Schmidt: That’s crazy. We have that brother connection too.
Jenko: Yeah, mm-hmm.
Schmidt: Are you ready?
[the turn to each other and say at the same time]
Jenko: Paper clips!
Jenko: I don’t know!
Keith Yang: That was awesome.
Kenny Yang: That’s great.
[later as they are getting washed up in the bathroom]
Schmidt: It’s gonna be super fun. Alright? Same as last time.
Jenko: If it’s like last time, you’re gonna have an awesome time and it’s gonna suck for me.
Schmidt: No. You’re gonna have an awesome time too because I’m gonna make sure of it. You took a bullet for me.
Jenko: That’s right, I did, and it sucked. I won’t do it again.
Schmidt: No way, it’s my turn. I owe you a life debt.
[just then a girl wearing nothing but a towel enters]
Jenko: Girl coming through.
[the girl stands next to Schmidt and starts brushing her teeth, Schmidt whispers to Jenko]
Schmidt: Oh, shit. I’m not gonna take a shit the entire time I’m here.
Jenko: I know.
[to the girl in the bathroom]
Schmidt: How are you doing?
Girl in Bathroom: Hi.
Schmidt: What’s up?
Girl in Bathroom: What’s up?
Schmidt: Just exhausted from inventing Facebook or whatever website people our age use.
[the girl looks at Schmidt as he leaves]
[as the enter the college library]
Jenko: They still have books! I thought they just put books inside the computers.
Schmidt: Yeah, I guess the kids just use this to hide and have sex. So we’ll go to all of Cynthia’s classes and activities, ask around about the drug and find out who the dealer is.
Jenko: Yeah, it’s just like last time.
Schmidt: Exactly like last time.
[looking at his classes timetable]
Jenko: Dude, in Human Sexuality do you get to fuck or do you just get to watch people fuck?
Jenko: Then what the fuck am I taking it for then?
[list of Cynthia Watson’s classes shows Psychology 101 – Intro to Psychology, Schmidt takes the Psychology class]
Psychology Professor: Obviously we’ve all heard the statement before, “first impressions are important.” I’ve got a first impression for you.
[he clears his throat then suddenly lowers his voice doing impression]
Psychology Professor: “I don’t like Psychology.” Tracy Morgan.
[there’s an awkward silence as the entire class just looks at him]
Psychology Professor: Nobody?
[Schmidt whispers to the stoned looking student sat close to him]
Schmidt: Work hard, play hard, am I right?
[the student looks around him before replying]
Stoned-Looking Kid: You looking for some Why-Phy?
Schmidt: Yeah, I’m gonna be sick.
Stoned-Looking Kid: Go to the Police Station, walk in and ask your Captain to see the evidence room, cause you’re a fucking narc.
Schmidt: I think you’re mistaking me…
Stoned-Looking Kid: You’re literally wearing a badge.
[Schmidt looks down at his shirt]
Stoned-Looking Kid: Did you really just check to see if you were wearing a badge? This guy’s a fucking cop.
Schmidt: I didn’t look down.
[Jenko goes to the next class in Cynthia’s class list which is in History]
Professor Jacobs: “Wait, Professor Jacobs. Doesn’t history happen a long time ago?” Well, history happened every second of every day…
[Jenko notices a student who look like football player, Rooster, sat behind him; to his friend]
Rooster: This class is such a gut.
[to Rooster as Jenko sees the football in his hand]
Jenko: Hey, you guys play football?
Rooster: [sarcastically] No, this is actually my laptop. Yeah, I’m taking notes right now, huh? I’m kidding, it’s a football.
[suddenly the professor addresses Jenko]
Professor Jacobs: Mr. McQuade?
Jenko: Covalent bonds.
Professor Jacobs: What has been the result of the war on drugs?
Jenko: Why would you ask me? I’m…I’m not a cop.
Professor Jacobs: Because this is a college seminar and that’s how college seminars work. A Professor gets into a lively conversation with a student, friction creates fire, and that leads to lessons learned.
Jenko: Well, it’s definitely harder to get drugs. I can personally tell you that.
Professor Jacobs: The average price of cocaine has dropped seventy percent in the last thirty years.
Jenko: Then your dealer’s probably selling you some pretty stepped on shit.
[the students laugh]
Professor Jacobs: Mr. McQuade, college is a wonderful place. This is where you get to decide who you actually are instead of the person that you’re clearly pretending to be right now. Which everyone sees through, by the way. You gotta decide do I just keep doing the same thing, or am I gonna choose a different path? And question my convictions.
Jenko: I don’t have any prior convictions.
[Jacobs stares at Jenko]
Jenko: Why are you saying this stuff?
Professor Jacobs: That’s exactly the answer I wanted, Mr. McQuade! I want you to question what I’m saying! This is the basis of this whole course, and that’s the beauty of college! You can say whatever you want! You can be whatever you want! I mean I have tenure, I can really say whatever I want. George Washington was a black lesbian. The…the Eiffel Tower’s made of dildos. They can’t fire me. I’m indestructible. I’m sleeping with two of my students.
[pointing to the students]
Professor Jacobs: Her and her, I actually am. Now, just like you did before, I want you, right now, to say whatever you want. Say whatever you want.
Professor Jacobs: Fighto! Not a word, but I’m gonna accept it. You can do whatever you want with your life, Mr. McQuade. The only way you can fail this class is by not becoming who you truly are!
[to the female student sat in the front]
Professor Jacobs: Please respond to my text.
[next the duo go to an “Open Mic Night” which is on the Cynthia Watson’s list of activities]
Improv Student: Okay, we got time for just one more improv game. For this one we need a ton of different suggestions. So, uh…we just need you guys to fill in the blank in the sentence that we’re gonna set up. So, it’ll go like this, “Oh, I’m so hungry. I wish I had a…”
[he points to the audience and Jenko shouts out]
Improv Student: Okay. But we want it…we want it to be actual food, so that it like makes sense with the game. It’s more fun that way. So, uh…let’s try it one more time. “Oh, I’ve got to get home so I can feed my…”
[he points to the audience and Jenko shouts out again]
Improv Student: You know what? Let’s just play the game, okay?
[Schmidt notices a female student, Maya, entering the hall]
Schmidt: That girl’s in my Psych class.
Jenko: Damn, she’s hot. Go talk to her.
Schmidt: You come talk to her with me.
Jenko: Stop being a pussy and go talk to her. Go.
[Schmidt starts to make his way towards Maya, at the same time the improv students on stage finish their segment and walk off the stage]
Rathskellar Host: Alright, alright. Coming to the stage we got…
[the host gets distracted by one of the female students walking off stage]
Rathskellar Host: J-Bones, AKA, J…
[Schmidt stands next to Maya]
Schmidt: I think we’re in the same Psych class.
Maya: Oh, yeah. Hi.
[Maya and Schmidt watch the slam poet act on the stage]
Slam Poet #1: Pills! Pills! Bills! Pills! Bills! A sign of the times that rhymes Amanda Bynes. Drop that raggedy Andy Serkis. Circle jerkus!
[Jenko goes to sit next to the two improv students that were on the stage earlier]
Jenko: Oh, you guys are in the improv class, right?
Improv Student: You’re the guy with the terrible suggestions.
Jenko: Yeah, yeah. You’re welcome, man. Yeah.
[meanwhile the poet on stage finishes]
Slam Poet #1: Thanks, guys. Um…Lady J’s gonna be up next for you.
Schmidt: Cynthia, that girl who died, she used to come here all the time, right?
[they watch as the next slam poet comes on stage]
Slam Poet #2: This piece is called “Areolas.”
Schmidt: Did you know her?
Maya: Yeah, she lived across the hall from me.
Maya: So why…why do you care so much?
Schmidt: I’m uh…I’m writing a um…
[trying to come up with a reason, Schmidt looks at the poet on the stage delivering her performance]
Schmidt: Uh…a slam poem in her honor. Early stages, very early stages.
Schmidt: Yeah. Yeah.
[back to Jenko and the improv students]
Jenko: Wouldn’t it be better just to like plan stuff out ahead of time and make sure it’s funny and you’re not saying anything in front of people to embarrass yourself?
Improv Student: That’s uh…that’s a thing that people do, that’s stand-up comedy.
Jenko: That’s probably what you should because that stuff is funny.
[back to the slam poet on stage]
Slam Poet #2: My brown nipple will produce white milk during lactation.
[to Maya as they watch the poet]
Schmidt: What do you think of this?
Maya: I actually think it’s really powerful.
Schmidt: That’s cool that you said that cause I actually thought it was really powerful too, when a girl is talking about her…her nips and shit.
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