This is certainly no classic comedy, but
30 Minutes or Less
quotes
do deliver a fast paced humor that are totally forgettable, which in
this case is actually
is not a bad thing! The premise of the story is very
simple and at times seems unfinished, just serving as a
container for the jokes. And as
pretty much expected, the comedy on offer is pretty crude and full of
sexual innuendo. Not much else to be added other than if you like fast
vulgar forgettable comedies then this movie won't disappoint.
Our Rating:
Directed
by: Ruben Fleischer
Written by:
Michael Diliberti (screenplay & story)
Matthew Sullivan (story)
Starring:
Jesse Eisenberg -
Nick
Danny McBride - Dwayne
Aziz Ansari - Chet
Nick Swardson - Travis
Dilshad Vadsaria - Kate
Michael Peña - Chango
Bianca Kajlich - Juicy
Fred Ward - The Major
[first
lines; two teenagers answer the door to Nick's knock
delivering their pizza]
15 Year Old #1:
Thirty four minutes, four minutes late. Pizza's free.
[his friends points
to the pizza poster where Nick works, which has
a 30-minutes-or-less delivery policy]
Nick: Come
on, you guys live two towns away, it's pretty much impossible to get
here in thirty minutes.
15 Year Old #2:
Huh, exactly! That's why we order from your shitty pizza parlor.
Nick: Okay,
you guys are pretty smart. You've figured out a way to beat the system.
[he gives them their
pizzas]
Nick: There
you go.
15 Year Old #2: Thank
you.
Nick: What,
no tip?
15 Year Old #1: Sorry,
only got the big bills.
Nick: Mmm,
you guys kinda of remind me of me when I was your age actually. You
know, kinda like just trying to get drunk any chance I get. what you
got the fridge full of beer, right?
15 Year Old #1: Man,
we don't have anything.
Nick: Really?
15 Year Old #2: Could
you get us some beer?
Nick: Me?
Um...listen, I shouldn't do this, but if you give me the money that
your mom gave you for the pizzas, which you didn't give me, uh...I will
run out and get you some beer.
[whispering to his
friend]
15 Year Old #2: What
do we do? Let's get fuckin' shit faced.
Nick: But I
want a tip this time.
15 Year Old #2: Okay.
Um...we have...that's forty.
[he hands over the money
to Nick]
Nick: Uh...thanks,
man. Wait, um...how many am I gettin'?
15 Year Old #2: Whatever
that will get us.
Nick: Okay.
I will see you soon.
[he turns and leaves but
stops and turns to the boys again]
Nick: Wait,
you boys like O'Douls, right?
15 Year Old #2: Yeah,
fuckin' love that shit!
15 Year Old #1: Totally.
15 Year Old #2: You
rule!
[after Nick has
witnessed Chet sat in his car with his date performing oral
sex on him after
which she then kisses him]
Chet: Hey,
what the hell? You just been sittin' there watchin' the whole time?
Nick: Yeah,
man. I got the whole show. Really classy move there at the end by the
way, that kiss?
Chet: Look,
the woman is kind enough to provide me with felacio services, I'm not
just gonna dart outta there like she's an untouchable.
Nick: Nothin'
says chivalry is dead. Here, have a beer? The alcohol should help wash
the taste of yourself out of your mouth.
Chet: Well
thank you, sir.
Nick: Hey,
I rented some movies for us. I got uh...I got Lethal Weapon. I got
uh...Lethal Weapon 2.
Chet: I
think I'm gonna have to pass. I gotta be up early tomorrow to teach a
class at seven.
Nick: Come
on, man! You're a sub, just call in sick like the real teacher did.
Chet: Dude,
you know I got hired to full-time last month, alright? You
bought me a laser pointer.
Nick: I
know. I'm just having trouble accepting you as the man. You know, cause
you're you. Filling kids heads with a bunch of bullshit, laser pointing
at stuff, just so you could have your summers off.
[Dwayne and Travis are
target-shooting watermelons in an old scrap yard]
Dwayne: You
know, if you weren't such a skinny little bitch, you could be in the
military.
Travis: I
don't need to be in the military, dude. I taught myself to do this
shit. Went online and looked all this up.
Dwayne: Oh,
I hear you. I taught myself how to eat pussy and cut my own hair.
Travis: I
taught myself how to eat pussy here.
[watching Friday 13th in
3D, Dwayne jumps up from his seat and starts heckling Jason Vorhees on
screen and Travis joins him when Dwayne father catches them in the act]
The Major:
Who are you two fags fucking?
Dwayne: Just...Jason
Voorhees.
Travis: Afternoon,
Major.
The Major: It's
been twenty years, Dwayne. When are you finally gonna get up the
courage to ask him out?
Dwayne: That's
not funny. We're business partners.
The Major: Oh,
yeah? What kind of business are you in?
Dwayne: Entra...entraper...
Travis: Entreprens.
Dwayne: Entrepreneurals.
The Major: That's
not a business! You can't even pronounce it!
Dwayne: We're
just tryin' to watch this movie. About forty five minutes left and
three titees comin' up. You're comin' at the worst possible time.
The Major: Yeah,
well I bought that TV so I could watch my football. Not so that you and
your boyfriend can jack off all over it.
Dwayne: Well,
then maybe you should learn how to share the common space better.
The Major: Common?
The only thing common in this house is you.
Dwayne: Come
on, Travis. This movie sucks anyway.
Travis: You
look good, Major.
The Major: I
paid for the damn cold cuts too. Maybe if you got a job, or a fucking
prospect, or a clue how to get any of the above, I'd let you eat 'em.
Dwayne: You're
a cold son of a bitch, dad.
The Major: That's
what it takes, boy. In the core, pussy's like you wore dresses keep us
entertained.
Dwayne: That's
really fucking disturbing.
[Nick pops a balloon to
get Kate's attention]
Kate: Very
funny, but you're late.
Nick: No,
no. I'm forty five minutes late, which is like, ten minutes early for
me.
Kate: Where
the hell were you? You live like two blocks away.
[referring to his
uniform]
Nick: Yeah,
I got held up trying to pick out the perfect shirt and hat combo for
you. What do you think?
Kate: I
like it. It's very minimum wage.
Nick: Thanks.
I can't wait to quit and take this shit off.
[referring to the pizza
they're eating]
Kate: Say
what you wanna say about your boss, but the man knows how to make a
good
pizza.
Nick: I
think that guy can suck on a dick.
Kate: Mmm,
did you see Tom Small's Facebook update?
Nick: No,
you know I don't check that shit. I'm off the grid.
Kate: He
came out.
Nick: What?
Kate: Even
posted a picture of him and his Latin boyfriend.
Nick: Tom
Small is gay? That kid used to beat the hell out of me and Chet in
grammar school. Wow!
Kate: Tell
me about it. He OTPF'd me at Junior High formal.
Nick: What
the hell is that?
Kate: Over
the pants finger.
Nick: That's
disgusting.
Kate: So
I've got news.
Nick: Even
bigger news than the Tom Small? Cause I don't know if I can take much
more news.
Kate: This
little corporation called The Four Seasons decided to finally get their
shit together and accept me to their management training program.
Nick: Really?
Woh! Congratulations. That's amazing.
Kate: Thank
you.
Nick: I
just can't believe they're opening a Four Seasons in town, we don't
even have a Radisson.
Kate: Yeah,
exactly. Which is why I'm moving to Atlanta. I'm going to be working in
their special events department.
Nick: In
Atlanta? You know I know a little bit about it from rap music, and
uh...it sounds like a fucked up place.
Kate: Come
on! It's everything I'm working towards.
Nick: Did
you tell your brother?
Kate: Yeah,
Chet was really happy for me. I thought you'd be happy for me too.
Nick: I am.
I'm totally happy for you. In fact I will make you a crunk CD or
something. You can show it off to your new hustler friends in Atlanta.
[sat in a in a sleazy
strip club with a stripper dancing on top of him]
Dwayne: He
treats me like a bitch, that's no way to treat his son! He thinks he
knows me, he doesn't. He doesn't fucking know me. I have more ideas
than he could ever dream of. I have plans bigger than this whole
fucking house.
Juicy: Sure,
whatever you say. Maybe just be quite for a while. Forget about your
old dad. Let me do my thing.
Dwayne: Wish
I could forget about that asshole. As is, I'm pretty much just waiting
for him to drop dead. Just don't wanna mess my inheritance.
Juicy: Really?
What kind of inheritance?
Dwayne: Well,
when the old man left the service, started buying lotto tickets. Next
thing you know in ninety eight the dude hits it for ten million
dollars. And ever since then he's been burning through it like an NBA
dropkick. Winnebago's, flat screen TV's, sort of senseless spending.
We're probably down to like one or two million now. As soon as he kicks
it, all that cash is mine.
[as she's sat on top of
him half naked manipulating him]
Juicy: Maybe
I could help you get that money now.
Dwayne: Oh,
yeah?
Juicy: Before
he spends another penny.
Dwayne: And
how would you do that?
Juicy: I
know a guy in Detroit, he could help you. Probably do it for hundred
G's.
Dwayne: Do
what?
Juicy: Kill
your mean old dad. So what do you say? Are you ready for your crown?
[she puts his hands on
her breasts]
Dwayne: Uhuh.
Nick: It's
pretty crazy about Tom Small, huh?
Chet: Yeah,
well, I never liked him.
Nick: Your
sister did. You know she let him finger blast her, big time.
Chet: What
the fuck are you talking about, man? I don't want that shit in my head!
Nick: Sorry.
Yeah, your sister told me about it last night. I thought you should
know.
Chet: What
are you guys swapping stories about getting fingered?
Nick: No.
Just your sister made some questionable decisions. You know, like
uh...like moving to Atlanta.
Chet: What's
wrong with that? She's gonna manage a hotel, I get free rooms, you can
go over there and crash whenever you're out on the streets. We'd all
win!
Nick: Yeah,
accept her. Once she gets involved with some Atlanta douchebag that's
totally wrong for her. You know, some...some doctor who drives a white
BMW, listens to Fish. Fucking lame!
Chet: Fine,
whatever. Why are we talking about who my sister goes out with?
Nick: I
don't know.
Chet: You
wanna fuck my sister, don't you?
Nick: Chet,
I really don't wanna talk about this, okay?
Chet: Aahh!
My twin sister who is based on fucking me?
Nick: Oh,
hardly! Your sister is attractive and she excites me. Yes, in a sexual
way. Can we please just be adults about this?
Chet: You,
an adult? You had a Lunchables for dinner last night. You're a fucking
man child!
Nick: Hey,
don't say shit you can't take back, okay?
Chet: How
about this? Do you wanna know who I saw naked?
Nick: Who?
Chet: Miss
Jenny Rifkin when I was nailing her the week after she dumped you,
intercourse style. That's right, by brown hands all over her nice white
kid-ass.
Nick: Wow!
You pulled a Judas on Jenny fuckin' Rifkin. That is messed up, Chet.
Almost as messed up as how I sold your Willy Mays signed ball for two
hundred bucks!
Chet: Hey,
my grandpa left me that ball in his will! You helped me look for it for
a month!
Nick: Now
you know why we never found it. Are we done here?
Chet: Not
quite yet.
Nick: Okay.
Chet: I was
the one who told John Tanner about your mom fucked that life
guard and I always felt God awful about it, cause even though I swore
secrecy he wound up telling everyone else in town then your parents got
divorced. But now I don't give a shit!
Nick: Well,
then...then you ruined my whole fucking life!
Chet: Not
much a life to ruin, but yeah! I guess I did.
Nick: Okay,
Chet. You're right, I do wanna have sex with your sister, again.
Because the first time was so awesome.
Chet: Bullshit!
That never happened.
Nick: Graduation
night.
Chet: No.
You fucked Tina Scado.
Nick: No, I
just told you I did. Same story, different girl.
Chet: What?
You deflowered my sister and I know all the fucking details!
[suddenly he jumps on to
Nick and they start wrestling and hitting each other on the floor]
[after Chet has beaten
Nick for sleeping with his twin sister]
Chet: You're
not good enough for my sister, okay? You're a pizza boy!
Nick: You
know, I actually feel sorry for you. Fucking dick. Cause you'll never
understand this shit is way more complicated than your fucking online
dating.
Chet: You're
a shit friend! All these years of asking me for stuff, favors, you
know? That beat down is the last favor you'll ever get!
Nick: Good.
It's the last one I'll ever need.
[Nick leaves the
apartment giving Chet the finger]
Chet: Yeah,
I'll give you a call and order the fucking mozzarella sticks!
[cleaning the Major's
pool]
Travis: The
pool is so dirty, dude. I mean, where did all these leaves come from?
Dwayne: Where
the hell do you think, dude? The fucking trees!
Travis: That's
what she said.
Dwayne: No,
'that's what she said' jokes don't work with that. It has to be
something in a sexual reference. Like, you know, 'These leaves are
hard. That's what she said.'
Travis: Oh.
Travis: Dwayne?
Dwayne: What?
Travis: Look,
I don't wanna get in the middle of a family matter or anything. But
uh...uh killing the Major seems kinda messed up. Right or no?
Dwayne: No,
it's not messed up, dude. It's barely even murder. I mean, it's really
just kinda shooting a few years off the old man's shitty existence.
The Major: Hey,
Dipshit? My pool ain't ready in an hour or you don't get paid. Maybe
you ought to wake your lazy ass up before noon.
Travis: I
woke up at one fifteen, Major. That's a fact. You look good.
[the Major walks back
into the house]
Dwayne: Nice
to see you, dad. Love you so much.
[Dwayne holds up his
hand giving the Major the finger]
Dwayne: You
know why I sleep late, Travis? It's not because I'm lazy. It's on
account of me having so many God damn dreams, big ones. Prepare
yourself. What's the one thing this town's missing? I'll give you a
hint. It's cash business, it's crawling with sexy bitches.
Travis: Chinese
food restaurant?
Dwayne: No.
Travis: Abortion
clinic?
Dwayne: No!
Yuk! No! A tanning salon! You know? Think of all the green, all the
brown flesh. And it's the perfect front for a prostitution rig.
Travis: Woh!
Dwayne: And
guess what?
Travis: What?
Dwayne: I'm
gonna cut you in on it. Yep. Make you a partner in business, if and
only if, you'll be my partner in crime. You're gonna be fucking rich
and famous helping dudes to come and get tans. Or are you
gonna be a fucking pussy and clean this asshole's pool for ten bucks
and hour?
Travis: Yeah,
alright. I'll do it. But I'm not gonna shoot the Major or anything,
alright? I'll hold him while you shoot him. That's it, dude.
Dwayne: No.
Listen, I'm not shooting anybody, alright? You wanna be a millionaire,
Travis, you gotta start thinking like one, okay? Do you think
millionaires murder people? No. No, they don't. They hire a highly
trained assassin to do it for 'em.
Travis: Right.
Dwayne: Which
I have done.
Travis: What?!
Travis: Where
are we gonna get a hundred thousand dollars to pay this deadly assassin?
Dwayne: See
we're now getting down to the heart of the matter. How do we get the
hundred G's? Cause once we have the hundred G's we basically have the
million. Once we have the million, well then we own everything
everything and everyone in this whole fucking town.
Travis: Yeah.
Maybe we uh...rob a bank, isn't that what people do? Just go down to
the local branch shoot some old dipshit security guard and be like...
Dwayne: No,
you're not really thinking like a millionaire.
Travis: Alright
then. Maybe we uh...hire somebody to rob a bank?
Dwayne: Dude,
fuck hiring! Let's force some dumb motherfucker to rob a bank for us.
Dwayne: So,
I film myself banging this dude's wife, okay? I talk her into doing
some degrading shit, like if the neighborhood kids are over then I'll
whack hard on her face. And then we use the tape to blackmail her
husband into robbing the bank.
Travis: That's
a great idea, Dwayne. Really good. I just think it might be a little
hard to find a wife that slutty and gross by Tuesday.
Dwayne: Yeah,
I guess seduction does take some time. So what do we do? We use
political pressure, death threats...?
Travis: Or
a bomb. Everyone's afraid of a bomb, Dwayne.
Dwayne: I
was gonna say hypnotism, but I like a bomb. Yeah, I mean that's
definitely thinking outside the box.
Travis: Right?
[referring to Travis'
idea of strapping someone with a bomb in order to get them to rob a
bank]
Dwayne: What
would you? You just like stick it to him like we did the water melons?
Travis: Yeah,
strap it on, man.
Dwayne: You
can do that?
Travis: Yeah.
Camel jockey's do it in caves. I got a fucking dope ass garage workshop
in America.
Dwayne: This
is true. And what I like about this idea is this is kinda how a fucking
millionaire would do it. We don't have to lose any sleep over it,
nobody gets hurt.
Travis: Accept
the Major.
Dwayne: The
trick is gonna be, where do we get our dude? Cause if we're gonna
commit to kidnapping, I mean that's just as risky as a murder.
Travis: That's
a good point.
Dwayne: We
have to figure out a way to bring the dude to us. Lure him into a
situation that we have total control over. We also gotta make sure this
dude is not connected to us in any way.
[stumped at where to
find this guy when suddenly a commercial for Vito's Pizza airs on the
TV next to them and they stare at it]
Dwayne:
Sometimes fate pulls out its big old cock and slaps you right in the
face.
[at work Nick is making
up pizza boxes]
Pizza Boss:
Hey, I don't mean to interrupt you curing the cancer here but uh...it's
time to get back on the street.
[dumps a pizza delivery
bag on the table give him the delivery address]
Nick: No,
I'm...I'm off in ten minutes. Where the hell is this?
Pizza Boss: Oh,
here let me check my 'fuck you map'. But yeah, it's in uh...thirty
minutes or less land or else the pizza comes out of your paycheck.
[Nick gets up and picks
up the delivery bag]
Nick: Tick
tock.
[Nick drives up to the
pizza delivery address and walks up to the doorway]
Dwayne: Hey,
over here, buddy. Sorry you got the ass end of the night.
Nick: Yep,
I hear that. Hey, listen I know I'm probably like ten, fifteen minutes
late, but uh...
[suddenly Dwayne wearing
a gorilla mask appears at the doorway]
Nick: It's
uh...it's a great mask. That's very funny. So listen, about the whole
thirty minutes thing, are we cool? Cause uh...
[Nick sees another
figure wearing a gorilla mask walking towards him]
Nick: Oh,
another one. The missing link. That's uh...that's really nice. I wish I
could get stoned too. So which one of you gorilla's handles the cash?
Cause uh...
Dwayne: Get
him!
[Travis charges at him
and Nick starts running]
Nick: Woh!
Woh! Dude, just take the pizza, man!
Dwayne: Escape
is impossible!
[Nick stumbles to the
ground and Travis leaps on top of him]
Nick: Yoh!
What the hell? Rape! Rape!
[Travis presses a
chloroform soaked rag against Nick's mouth and nose until he passes out]
Dwayne: Step
one.
[after being knocked
out, Nick's blurry vision comes into focus and he sees the two figures
in gorilla masks]
Dwayne: You
thought we were gonna rape you.
[Dwayne and Travis laugh]
Dwayne: What
an idiot?
[Dwayne takes Nick's
wallet and reads his driver license]
Dwayne: Alright,
let's see here. Mr. Nick Davis of One Ten North Whatever-the-Fuck-
Street. Right now you're wearing a highly explosive bomb vest
[Nick with mouth duct
taped looks down at his chest and sees the bomb strapped to him and
mumbles something through the tape]
Dwayne: Shh!
Calm down. Calm down I'm carrying a piece.
Travis: Hey,
man. Take it easy. Alright, I build the bomb so it's pretty stable.
Dwayne: For
a fucking bomb. Don't do anything stupid like trip over your shoe laces
or anything. That vest is packed with C4. The C is for chaos.
Travis: Hey,
it's actually for 'composite', but you know don't bump into shit.
[Travis does the
explosion sound with his mouth to indicate Nick will blow]
Dwayne: So
what do you think, pizza boy? Can we take the tape off?
[Nick mumbles loudly in
agreement]
Dwayne: Mmmm?
I'm trusting you now.
[Dwayne takes off the
tape from Nick's mouth adn Nick starts shouting]
Nick: Help!
Help! Help me! Help!
[mocking Nick's plea for
help]
Dwayne: Some
one help him! Help! Help him!
[to Nick]
Dwayne: Who
the fuck do you think you are? You might as well be in outer space,
man. Nobody can fucking hear you scream.
Travis: They
would hear you more in space, actually.
Dwayne: No,
you can't hear anyone in space. That's...it's from Alien.
Nick: Why
are you doing this to me?
Dwayne: Why
does anybody do something fucked up to someone else? For money, dude!
Travis: Che-che-che-ching!
Nick: I'll
go sell my car, man. I can get you, like...I'll get you like a thousand
bucks.
Dwayne: For
that Mustang?
Travis: You
mean a hundred dollars?
Nick: No.
No. I'll get you a thousand bucks. I swear to God, please!
Dwayne: We're
gonna need a hundred grand.
Nick: Where
the fuck am I supposed to get that much money?
Dwayne: I
don't know. Maybe The Donner-Wells National Bank on Charles
Road.
Travis: By
the Olive Garden.
Nick: How
am I supposed to rob a bank?
Dwayne: That's
not my problem, dude, it's yours. Get creative. Maybe use the scary
bomb strapped to your chest. Maybe do it the old fashioned way, get a
gun, a band of outlaws. Doesn't matter to me, it's not rocket science.
Nick: Fine
then, do it yourself.
Dwayne: Well
I would do it but looks like I'm wearing the gorilla mask and you're
already wearing that bomb.
[to Travis]
Dwayne: Go
ahead and tell him about the bomb vest.
Travis: Look,
you seem like a pretty smart guy. But just in case you're gonna panic
and try and be a hero, like 'I'm gonna take this fucking vest off! Fuck
you guys! You're and asshole!' Don't to that, okay? Cause we booby
trapped it to shit!
Nick: Okay!
Travis: Okay?
There's also a little remote detonator on the back we can trigger at
any time by dialing a number.
Dwayne: We
got your shit on speed dial. We're watching you, alright? So do what
you gotta do but know that if you go near a police station, Fourth of
July has come a little early this year.
Nick: No.
No. Don't...don't do that.
[to Nick]
Dwayne: It's
nine a.m., you got ten hours.
[he turns on the timer
on the bomb vest]
Dwayne: Soon
as you get the money, call this number here.
[he holds up a piece of
paper which he give to Travis to place in Nick's wallet]
Dwayne: You
call, we'll give you specific directions on where to make the drop off.
You do good, we'll give you a six
digit combination that will stop the
timer and open the lock. But if you don't do good, allow me
to make a little demonstration for you.
[Dwayne and Travis sit
on either side of Nick]
Dwayne: Pay
attention to the uh... cuddly bear there on the barrel.
[Dwayne pretends his
cell phone is ringing]
Dwayne: Ring-ring-ring-ring.
Oh, look! The bear's calling, what a coincidence?
[he talks into his cell
phone]
Dwayne: Hello,
bear. How's it going? Yeah, you just hanging out getting fucked up.
That's cool. Wait, what do you mean you couldn't rob the bank? It was
too hard? What, so you went back to your bear cave and hid like a
little crying bitch? Well, that's a shame my stuffed buddy. Because
time is up.
[he pushes a button on a
detonator and the bear explodes into cloud of
stuffing]
Dwayne: I
liked that bear. I don't even fucking know you.
Dwayne: Well
get to it, man.
Nick: Okay.
Dwayne: Show
and tell is over.
[Travis unties Nick's
hands]
Travis: And
you're free.
Dwayne: Dude,
time is literally ticking right now.
Travis: Here
are the keys to your great car.
Dwayne: Go
on now. Get after it.
Nick: Okay.
[Nick goes to leave but
turns]
Nick: Wait!
Wait! Wait! Wait! Can we just...just maybe talk about this?
Dwayne: Yeah,
of course we can talk.
[Dwayne takes out a gun
and fires two shots at Nick's feet]
Nick: Woh!
Woh!
Dwayne: Get
fucking moving!
Travis: Be
careful.
Dwayne: You're
wasting time! Go! Fucking move!
[Nick gets into his car
and drives away fast]
Dwayne: We'll
be watching you!
[as soon as Nick leaves
Travis takes his gorilla mask off and turns to Dwayne]
Travis: What
the fuck, Dwayne? You told me that was a replica gun.
Dwayne: Yeah,
it was. Then I paid a Mexican fifty bucks to put a firing pin in it.
Now it goes boom.
Travis: Dude,
we can't have a loaded gun around that bomb.
Dwayne: Don't
you ever question me. I'm the one fucking this bitch. You're the one
holding the camera.
Travis: I
know, man. I...I'm just saying you should have told me.
Dwayne: This
ain't like the marines. If you hesitate, if you fuck around, I will
leave you behind. Come on. We got some surveillance to do and possibly
breakfast.
[after interrupting Chet
in the middle of teaching his class]
Chet:
Well, well, well! Look who wants to apologize? Well, you know what?
It's gonna take a lot more than some pathetic groveling.
Nick:
Chet, shut up! Okay? I don't want to apologize to you.
Chet:
Then what do you want? Cause we have nothing left to say to each other.
Nick: Last
night two guys in masks jumped me and strapped a bomb to my chest. Now
I have less than nine hours to rob a bank!
Chet: You're
hysterical. Great joke. I'm gonna go back to my class.
[Nick unzips his jacket,
revealing the bomb]
Chet: What
is this?
[Chet goes to touch the
bomb vest but Nick pulls back]
Nick: No!
Don't! Don't! Don't!
Chet: What
the fuck? Is that thing real?
Nick: I am
not fucking around here! Two guys did this to me and if I don't rob
that bank in time this thing is gonna blow.
Chet: Seriously?
Nick: Seriously.
Chet: And
your first thought was to come a school filled with young children?
Nick: Well,
I guess I didn't really think about it.
Chet: Just
back away. Okay? Back away. Back away. Back away. Back away.
Nick: I
mean, I think the vest is probably safe for now. These guys don't want
me to blow up in accident before I get them their money, right?
Chet: Oh,
yeah! You figure that two psychopaths that put a bomb on your chest
made sure it was safe? There's no margin for error in their fucking
bomb vest design!?
Nick: No!
No! I don't know! All I know is that this is real. Okay? This is real.
This is happening. But I have no where else to go.
Chet: For
what?
Nick: I
need your help, okay? I can't do this alone.
Chet: Dammit!
I wanna tell you to get fucked.
Nick: I
know.
Chet: But I
can't! Cause I'm a better man than you. If I let you go and you explode
or whatever, this shit will come back and eat at my conscience and
affect my relationships with other people. Like my future wife and kids
and shit. We're having a picnic or something one day and I would just
be like 'dammit, I shouldn't have let Nick explode that time.'
Nick: That's
a very rational way to look at the situation. And you're right about
being a better man than me.
Chet: Well,
could you just walk a few feet in front of me?
Nick: Yeah,
I can do that. Thank you.
Chango: Did
you miss me?
Juicy: Of
course I miss you, baby.
Chango: Don't
lie to me.
Juicy: Guys
in there get Juicy, but you get Chocolate.
Chango: Ah,
cool Chocolate. Here's what I want, first I want my money,
then I wanna kill that old motherfucker. Now I wanna get get
the fuck out of here, right?
Juicy: Well
that's how it's gonna go. We're just waiting for the call.
Chango: Man,
see, look. Here's what I'm doin' right here.
[he closes his eyes]
Chango: See
my...my impatient face? See my impatient face right here?
Juicy: Well,
I think I can keep you entertained.
[Chet is sat with his
laptop looking at websites for bomb disarming]
Chet: Okay,
we'll saw off both your arms, slip the vest over your head then go to
the hospital. They'll reattach your arms, we'll just keep your arms on
ice the whole time.
Nick: Fuck
that!
Chet: Well,
I don't know what to do, man! All these site say different shit.
There's not a lot of consensus in the bomb disarming
community. What do they do in the Hurt Locker?
Nick: I
don't know. I...I didn't see it.
Chet: Yeah,
me neither. I Netflixed it like six months ago, it's just been sitting
on my coffee table. So dumb, I pay like twelve ninety nine a month and
just keep the same three movies at my house.
[Nick opens the toilet
door where he's sat on the toilet trying to get the bomb vest off]
Nick: Stop!
Jesus! Just keep looking online, okay?
Chet: Fine.
You can't expect me to become a bomb disarming expert after looking
online for five minutes.
[referring to the vest]
Nick: It's
too tight.
Chet: I'm
telling you, man, that last thing I looked up online was how to make a
quiche and I fucked it up, bit time!
Nick: These
guys said they'd be following me. I have no idea what they look like,
they could be anywhere.
Chet: Call
the cops!
Nick: No,
we can't. If they see the cops show up, they blow the vest and cut
their losses. What do I do, Chet? What do I do?
Chet: I
don't know, man! I guess you gotta just rob the bank.
Nick: Fuck!
Fuck!
Chet: It's
gonna be okay. No, it's not going to be okay! I'm going to fucking blow
up!
[suddenly Chet slaps
Nick hard in the face]
Chet: Come
on!
Nick: Woh!
Ow!
Chet: Get
yourself together!
Nick: Fuck,
Chet!
Return to top of
page
Total
Quotes: 74
Quotes Page
1 | 2
