50/50 Quotes

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Kyle: I can’t stay in the kitchen listening to this bullshit any longer. You gotta get out of here! This is crazy. You’re so weird.
Rachael: Adam?
Kyle: This is the most uncomfortable situation ever. Just leave! Yeah, get out!
Rachael: Adam, we’re gonna talk tomorrow.
Kyle: No, you won’t! Why will you talk tomorrow?
Rachael: I care about you, Adam, alright? It’s not like this.
Kyle: Can you believe this? It’s disgusting! You are reprehensible. That’s what this behavior is.
Rachael: Would you just shut up for a second?
[turning to Adam]
Rachael: Kyle does not have your best interest in mind, alright? I’ve thought that for a very long time.
Kyle: Why should you get to talk? I don’t have your best interest.
[to Adam]
Rachael: And I just want you to know that. I really care about you.
Kyle: I didn’t get to fuck a filthy urinated hippy. I didn’t make out with a filthy disgusting hippy.
[turning to Kyle before she leaves the house]
Rachael: Fuck you!
Kyle: You’re just disgusting!
[Rachael leaves slamming the door shut]


 

Kyle: This is the best thing that has ever happened to you. Getting rid of her.
Adam: Why?
Kyle: Why? You just…you deserve better. Way better. If I was your girlfriend, you know what I’d be doing? I’d be sucking your cock every thirty minutes, I’d be baking fucking cookies all day and shit.
Adam: What kind of cookies?
Kyle: Any kind.
Adam: Make me snickerdoodle cookies?
Kyle: If you want snickerdoodle cookies.
Adam: They make me nauseous
Kyle: Actually?
Adam: No, that was a joke.


 

[as they are walking Skeletor they run into a girl walking her dog, the girl is friendly but Adam is not into flirting with her and she leaves]
Kyle: You could have fucked the shit out of that girl. You know that?
Adam: What are you talking about?
Kyle: What am I talking about?
Adam: No one wants to fuck me. I look like Voldemort!
[Kyle laughs]
Kyle: No, you don’t.


 

Kyle: You could have had her, man. Seriously! You just…you invite her out on a doggy date, tell her you have cancer. You fuck the shit out of her!
Adam: You really think that a girl is gonna go for me just because I have cancer?
Kyle: For the millionth time; yes! You’re…you’re fucking single now. Dude, help me help you. Get laid!
Adam: You think that would work?
Kyle: It would totally work!
Adam: Alright, let’s do it.


 

[Kyle takes Adam to a bar, Adam tries to talk to a girl by the bar but she doesn’t even notice him and walks off]
Kyle: You know what I would do? Get into the cancer thing faster.
Adam: Faster?
Kyle: Faster.
Adam: I mean she didn’t say hello to me.
Kyle: I know, but it’s…it’s your hook, man. It’s what you got, you know?
Adam: So what? That’s the first thing I say? Is that what you’re saying?
Kyle: You just gotta flaunt it, man. Flaunt it.
Adam: Say, ‘Hello, I have cancer.’
Kyle: That’s what makes you different. That’s what sets you apart. It…it, you know, you’re sympathetic.
Adam: Okay. Okay.
Kyle: Just try it.


 

[taking Kyle’s advice, Adam approaches a group of girls in the bar]
Adam: It’s a great song.
Attractive Woman: Totally.
Adam: I have cancer.
[the girl gives him a look like he’s weird and Kyle quickly comes forward and takes Adam away]
Kyle: I was wrong. I was wrong! It was weird.
[Adam turns to the girls]
Adam: Nice to meet you.
Kyle: It’s weird like that.
Adam: It’s too soon.
Kyle: It doesn’t sound cool.


 

[after picking up two girls they picked up at the bar Adam tries to flirt but it’s all very awkward]
Adam: I just got a dog, you know, and he sheds a lot and um…when there’s hair all over, I just use the wet cloth and…taken care of.
Jackie: That’s cool. What’s your dog’s name?
Adam: Uh…his name’s Skeletor.
[Adam notices Jackie’s friend secretly indicate that they should split so he quickly changes tactics and takes his hat off to reveal his bald head]
Adam: It’s kind of…
Kyle: Warm in here, isn’t it?
Jackie: Oh, so bald!
Adam: No. No. It’s just cancer.
Allison: Sorry, what?
Kyle: Cancer.
Adam: I have cancer.
Kyle: It’s cancer.
Adam: It’s not contagious.
Jackie: Oh, my God! What kind of cancer is it?
Adam: It’s uh…spinal.
Kyle:It’s in his spine.
Jackie: I didn’t even know that was possible. How…how did you get it?
Adam: Bad mattress.
[Kyle laughs]
Kyle: He’s joking!
[the girls realize he’s joking and start laughing]
Kyle: He still has a sense of humor about it. He’s inspirational. It’s an inspiration.


 

[referring to Adam’s bald head]
Jackie: Can I um…can I maybe touch it? Is that weird?
Adam: Oh, yeah.
Kyle: You can do more than touch it. Come on! Touch it.
[she touches Adam’s head]
Jackie: Oh.
Allison: Is that nice?
Jackie: It’s a really nice head.
Kyle: Play with it a little. Let’s all rub it together. It’ll grow if you rub it all out.


 

[later as the girls they picked up from the bar are buying hot dogs]
Kyle: Are you okay?
Adam: I gotta go to sleep.
Kyle: No, man! You can’t! We have to be awake when they’re awake. That’s how we have sex. That’s the whole purpose of this. Don’t throw all this away! Don’t waste my time, man!
Adam: Okay.
Kyle: Okay.
Adam: Can you give me an approximate time when I’ll be having sex?
[Kyle looks at his watch]
Kyle: Ninety five minutes from now we’ll be having sex. That’s how long…
Adam: I’m not gonna make it.
Kyle: That’s how fucking long it’s gonna take! I wish it was sooner! These girls, ninety six minutes.


 

[after one of his chemo sessions Katherine notices Adam waiting for a bus and offers him a ride home, as they ride in her car Adam notices the amount of litter in her car]
Katherine: Sorry about the mess. I’m not good at getting rid of stuff.
Adam: Yeah, I see.
Katherine: Let me know if you need to pull over or anything. I um…like if the chemo’s…if you feel nauseous, say the word and I’ll pull right over.
Adam: Okay. Thanks.
Katherine: So you don’t have a car?
Adam: No, I don’t even have a license actually.
Katherine: Well, why not?
Adam: It’s like incredibly dangerous. It’s like the fifth leading cause of death. Which is…I guess just a few behind cancer.
Katherine: Still, the bus? The bus after chemo?
Adam: Yeah. Well, usually uh…Rachael drive me, but um…we broke up, so. She kind of cheated on me.
Katherine: Oh, um…Adam, do you wanna talk about this?
Adam: You know what? Actually, no. Nah. Let’s…let’s not do the therapy in the car. You’re just giving me a ride as friend and
Katherine: Yeah, Adam. If…
Adam: You know what we should really talk about is, you have trash on your floor and there’s no reason. I mean, at least have a bag in the back to put the trash in.
Katherine: Adam, you’re girlfriend cheated on you. We don’t have to talk about it. We don’t have to.


 

[as they continue to drive towards Adam’s home]
Katherine: I just broke up with somebody recently myself.
Adam: You did?
Katherine: Yeah, it sucks. So.
Adam: Sorry.
Katherine: No. Um…well it’s good, because… We actually shouldn’t be talking about it.
Adam: Why…why not?
Katherine: It’s not appropriate for me to tell you personal things. Cause the patient therapist relationship doesn’t really work if you know all my problems. Admittedly I do check his Facebook like everyday to see if he’s dating somebody new, which is so pathetic. I shouldn’t have said that, I should have stopped.
Adam: Yeah.
Katherine: We could just listen to the radio.


 

Adam: Stop the car.
Katherine: Are you okay?
Adam: Yeah, let’s just stop. Okay?
Katherine: I’m stopping my car. I’m stopping my car.
[she pulls over her car]
Adam: I just…I just can’t handle this mess.
Katherine: Are you serious?
[he gets out of the car and starts taking her trash from the car to the nearby trash can]
Katherine: Adam. That’s..you don’t have… Well that’s…the… That’s my dinner! The brown thing is dinner.
Adam: Which one?
Katherine: That…this thing.
[she takes the brown box from him]
Adam: Oh, you’re gonna eat that?
Katherine: This is new. Don’t judge me.


 

[after arriving at Adam’s house]
Katherine: Listen, I just…I just want you to have my cell number. Just if you need anything, you have it.
[she writes her number on a piece of paper and gives it to Adam]
Adam: Thanks. Uh…I just like, score your digits.
[there’s an awkward silence, realizing what he’s just said]
Katherine: No. No!
Adam: No, I…that was a joke.
Katherine: That’s fine. No, that’s…
Adam: I don’t really know why said that.
Katherine: Okay, that would be inappropriate.
Adam: No, of course! I know that.
Katherine: It’s a defense mechanism and that’s fine.
Adam: Yeah.
Katherine: That’s for emergencies and if you need someone to talk to.
Adam: Yep.
Katherine: Goodnight.
Adam: Good night. Thank you.


 

[Rachael comes over to Adam’s place to pick up her stuff]
Rachael: You’re smoking weed?
Adam: Well, it’s medicinal.
Rachael: You got a prescription for medicinal marijuana?
Kyle: No, I got a prescription for marijuana. Adam was too afraid.
Rachael: Well what’s wrong with you, Kyle?
Kyle: I have night blindness. My cones and rods are eschew and weed fixes it.


 

Rachael: You took down my painting?
Adam: Well, it didn’t really fit there with the new TV.


 

Rachael: I wanted to tell you that I’m…I’m really sorry.
Adam: Well, I’m sorry too. I mean, I know this wasn’t easy for you. And…I’m sorry I didn’t come to your opening. It’s just cause I hate you so much.
Rachael: I’m glad you didn’t come. It was a complete disaster. No one bought any of my paintings.
Adam: Oh, that’s…. Well that’s weird, they’re so good.
Rachael: Really?
Adam: Yeah. They’re great. I’m sorry that it happened. It’s just, you know, get ’em next time.
[Rachael hugs Adam]50-50-7
Rachael: Oh, God! I don’t wanna break up. I can do better. We can uh…we can start over again. And um…I’ll just…I’ll just do better.
Adam: You should go.
[she kisses Adam]
Adam: Really. You should…you should go.
Rachael: I don’t wanna go. I wanna stay here with you.
Adam: No. No. You know what? Seriously, you should get the fuck off my porch. Now.


 

[after they’ve completely trashed the painting Rachael had left for Adam]
Adam: It actually looks a lot better.
Kyle: It’s not that bad like this.
Adam: Yeah, we can hang this up.


 

[as meeting Mitch’s wife]
Adam: It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.
Bernie: Hi, Adam.
Adam: And uh…this is my friend, Kyle.
[after drinking the special drink Bernie had made for them]
Kyle: Oh, God!
Bernie: Good. You like it.
Kyle: It’s not good.
Bernie: So, Adam, I’m surprised. The way Mitch talks about you, I…I thought you were much older.
Kyle: He’s eighty five years old. He just look really good.
[they all laugh]


 

[during this therapy session with Katherine, after Adam gets a call from him mom]
Adam: Sorry about that.
Katherine: Don’t worry about it. I have parents too.
Adam: Do yours give you migraines?
Katherine: Well, I would talk to my therapist about my parents.
Adam: Oh, really?
Katherine: Yeah, we could do uh…a role play. I’ll be your mom?
Adam: Oh, God! No, that’s disgusting!
Katherine: Why is that disgusting?
Adam: Uh…no, it’s not. I mean…okay, my mom uh…she’s a crazy person. She just worries all day, every day. And um…honestly, it annoys the shit out of me. It’s way too much and it’s not helpful and um…I can’t talk to her. I…I don’t call her back. That’s the problem.
Katherine: So she’s got this…this husband that can’t talk to her, and uh…this son that won’t?
Adam: Uh…yeah, I guess.
Katherine: Makes you kind of a dick.
Adam: Me? Is that like a medical term?
[they both laugh]
Katherine: Yeah. I mean…listen uh…you can’t change who your parent are. The only thing that you can change is uh…how you choose to deal with that.
Adam: Aren’t you supposed to like subtly manipulate me into figuring this stuff out, not just call me ‘I’m a shit’.
Katherine: Yeah. You cleaned my car, so uh…we are completely beyond that.


 

[as Katherine touches his arm again to comfort him, Adam smiles at her awkwardly]
Katherine: It’s weird, isn’t it? Shouldn’t have done it! Shouldn’t have gone for it.
Adam: No, it was good. It was good. It’s alright.
Katherine: No, it wasn’t! It was so forced. I’m sorry.50-50-8
Adam: Try it again. Try it again. I was…I was too far.
[he moves closer to her]
Katherine: Okay.
Adam: I’m a little than…
Katherine: I’m gonna make it really natural.
Adam: Yeah.
Katherine: Totally.
[she touches his arm again]
Adam: That was better.

 


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Total Quotes: 81

 

 

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