bad-santa-2

Starring: Billy Bob Thornton, Kathy Bates, Christina Hendricks, Tony Cox, Brett Kelly, Ryan Hansen

OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆

Story: Black comedy crime sequel directed by Mark Waters, the story follows Willie Soke (Billy Bob Thornton), still a halfway decent thief and a truly terrible mall Santa. Willie and Sunny (Kathy Bates), his tough-as-nails, foul mouthed mean mother, try to scam a charity headed by Diane (Christina Hendricks) and her husband Regent (Ryan Hansen). Although Diane looks prim and proper on the outside, she apparently “has a thing for shady lowlifes in a Santa costume,” so Willie should be just her type.

Verdict: Having been a real fan of the first movie, I was a very cautiously looking forward to this sequel since it’s been so many years since the original came out and sequels have a bad habit of really not being that good. After watching it I can conclude that sadly this is not as good as the first one, but it’s not a total loss either. It is pretty much a rehash of the first movie, crude and vulgar as you would expect it to be. Billy Bob Thornton is just as good as in the first and Kathy Bates was a welcome addition playing the role of his vulgar mother. This is definitely not a classic like the original but it’s good to see the original cast back and has it’s laugh out loud moments.

 

Best Quotes    (Total Quotes: 44)


 

[as Willie is trying to hang himself in his motel room Thurman knocks on his door]
Thurman Merman: Willie? Willie? It’s me, Thurman.
[Thurman walks in the room and sees Willie hanging from the ceiling]
Thurman Merman: Willie, what are you doing? Did you get yourself stuck up there? Okay, I’ll go. But this package came to my house for you, Willie.There’s a lot of money in it, and a phone, and a note.
[Ben turns to leave]
Marcus Skidmore: What? Chair!
Thurman Merman: Chair?
Marcus Skidmore: Chair!
Thurman Merman: Chair.
Marcus Skidmore: Give me the goddamn chair.
[suddenly the ceiling light Willie was trying to hang himself from breaks and Willie falls to the ground]
Thurman Merman: Willie, you fell.
Marcus Skidmore: Goddamn, are you a complete fucking retard?
Thurman Merman: No, the Hungry Hoagies people tested me. I’m top of the spectrum, so they made me a full-time sandwich consultant.
Marcus Skidmore: Well, I’m glad you followed your passion.
Thurman Merman: Is the oven on? Are you making Hot Pockets? We do hot sandwiches at Hungry Hoagies now, but I always burn my hand getting them out of oven. Darlene says I should put butter on my hand, but that’s stupid. We only put butter on food. Hand isn’t food.


 

[Willie meets Marcus at a diner]
Marcus Skidmore: I know we left on bad terms, but you gotta understand, it was only business. We were partners and I broke that sacred bond. It’s not an excuse, but Lois got all up in my kitchen. Crazy bitch had me all turned around with her magical Laotian pussy.
Willie Soke: Don’t blame it on the snapper.
Marcus Skidmore: I was pussy-blind. I’m ashamed.
Willie Soke: You tried to murder me, you little prick. Remember that? And not with some little nubbin-dick gun, but with adult man-sized bullets.
Marcus Skidmore: And now I’m here to make it up to you.
Willie Soke: Why are you even out of the joint anyway? Some pity case on account of you’re a genetic defect? You know, they used to sterilize guys like you. Keep the world from becoming some Negro Land of Oz.
Marcus Skidmore: Shut the fuck up! Early release. Overcrowding.
Willie Soke: Well, it must’ve been packed to the gills if they couldn’t cram your three-foot ass in there.


 

Marcus Skidmore: We got a job, Willie. That two grand is just to show I’m serious. Can you still crack a safe? Or did you get carpal tunnel from jacking off?
Willie Soke: I can crack just fine, thanks.
Marcus Skidmore: I’m talking millions this time.
Willie Soke: Where at?
Marcus Skidmore: Chi-Town.
Willie Soke: I thought you were all done with the gooks.
Marcus Skidmore: Chicago, you racist moron fuck! I got an associate out there who has got this thing all lined up.
Willie Soke: What associate?
Marcus Skidmore: I’m not at liberty to disclose just yet, but they know your work and they want to bring us in and put us up in some fine-ass metropolitan digs and finance the whole operation.
Willie Soke: You’re out of your fucking skull.
Marcus Skidmore: What are you gonna do? Try and kill yourself again?
[Willie starts to get up from their diner booth]
Willie Soke: That’s none of your goddamn business what I do. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass, or I won’t let it hit me in the ass, whatever the fuck it is.
Marcus Skidmore: Did you even score once while I was away? I’m talking two mil here. That’s a lot of fat-ass bitches and whiskey.
Willie Soke: Fuck you.


 

Thurman Merman: Why do you have to go so soon? We just got back together.
Willie Soke: Cut that shit out. We’re not back together.
Thurman Merman: Guess you don’t know what today is.
Willie Soke: I don’t even know what fucking year it is, kid.
Thurman Merman: It’s my birthday.
Willie Soke: Today is your fucking birthday?
Thurman Merman: Uh-huh. I’m twenty-one, officially a man.
Willie Soke: Goddamn. You’re twenty-one already. That’s creepy.
Thurman Merman: Are you still gonna pop my cherry?
Willie Soke: Am I gonna what? No! Fuck no!
Thurman Merman: But you said that when I was twenty-one that you’d pop my cherry.
Willie Soke: I said I’d get it done by somebody else. Besides that, I’m a fucking guy. You didn’t turn funny, did you?
Thurman Merman: Am I funny?
Willie Soke: So you haven’t done it with anybody yet. Not a man or a woman or an animal or anything.
Thurman Merman: No, I waited for you.
Willie Soke: But surely, you jerked off or…
Thurman Merman: You mean masturbate, don’t you?
Willie Soke: Well, if you wanna be scientific, yeah, I guess so.
Thurman Merman: My friend Ronnie says, it’s when you play with your wiener and think about your mother. I did it once, but it felt weird. She’s in heaven with God, you know. Watching me.


 

Willie Soke: Okay, so here’s how it’s gonna go down. He’s already asked me where his cherry is. So you could tell him to put his dick in your purse and he wouldn’t know any fucking difference. It’s gonna be the easiest twenty bucks you ever made.
Opal: Twenty bucks? You must be high on some strong shit, Willie. A hundred, or I’m gonna carry my ass outta this old piece of a room right now.
Willie Soke: Alright. Fifty, or I’ll just go get your mother.
Opal: Sixty.
Willie Soke: Alright.
Opal: And nothing up my ass. You done took all that, Willie.
Willie Soke: Okay.
Opal: Well, let’s get to it. I gotta pick up my grandson from ballet.


 

[giving Thurman advice on how to have sex with Opal]
Willie Soke: Now, listen, here’s how it works. She’s gonna pull her rig off ad she’s gonna get on all fours. Now, you stand behind her and drop your rig. Then you’re gonna see something that looks like some kind of Japanese food. It ain’t, so don’t eat it. That’s the bulls-eye. Then you just start tugging on your little soldier. Wait till he gets to attention, then poke him in there. Keep poking it in there till he spits up. You’re gonna need a raincoat. She’ll have one, so don’t worry about that. As soon as you’re done, run to the bathroom, wash your crotch. That way, you don’t wake up wondering why you got oatmeal in your carpet. Breathe through your mouth so that you don’t puke. Shouldn’t be a problem for you. You got it? You got sixty bucks?
Thurman Merman: No.
Willie Soke: What you got?
Thurman Merman: I have twenty dollars.
Willie Soke: Keep it down.
Thurman Merman: I have twenty.
Willie Soke: Give it to her after.
[Willie turns to leave]
Willie Soke: Later, Opal.
Opal: Mm-hmm.
Opal: [to Thurman] Come on, baby. Come on. Get a bite of this pumpernickel bread.


 

Marcus Skidmore: You got one job this time. Open a safe. Till then, just keep your drunken deviant fucking mouth shut.
Willie Soke: You know what you need? You need some pussy. I’ll see if I can find you a cat somewhere.


 

Willie Soke: I traveled all the way across the country to rob a goddamn charity?
Marcus Skidmore: Why? You got a problem with that?
Willie Soke: Yeah, you damn right I got a problem with it. No way these assholes have two million bucks.
Marcus Skidmore: Will you keep it down, man. Moron.
Willie Soke: I don’t know.
[they reenter the building]
Willie Soke: I see they made you some chairs already.
Marcus Skidmore: Fuck you.


 

Diane Hastings: Come on in, fellas.
Willie Soke: Goddamn.
Marcus Skidmore: That’s Diane Hastings, she and her husband run the joint.
Diane Hastings: So like I was saying, finish filling out these forms and you can drop them off at the front desk, please. And then, you can go to the common room and pick up your uniforms.
[quietly to Marcus]
Willie Soke: I bet that pussy got lips like an orangutan.
Diane Hastings: Excuse me, Mr…
Marcus Skidmore: Um, Cook. Randall Cook.
Willie Soke: What’s up?
Diane Hastings: Have you been drinking?
[Marcus quickly goes to stand in front of Willie to cover his hard-on]
Willie Soke: Uh, I don’t know. Some vodka…
Diane Hastings: Because we don’t allow alcohol or drugs of any kind at Giving City.
Willie Soke: Why’s that?
Diane Hastings: You may not be aware of this, Mr. Cook, but we’re a charity. When you walk out those doors, you’re representing us. So please try and make us look good.
Marcus Skidmore: Oh, we’ll make you look great. Promise.
Willie Soke: Yeah.


 

[after Diane walks off]
Marcus Skidmore: A hard-on? You sick fuck. I’m the one that’s been in prison for ten years.
Willie Soke: It’s just a semi, don’t get all bent out of shape.
Marcus Skidmore: Shut the fuck up.


 

Willie Soke: Lying little fuck. You didn’t tell me I’d have to get in the fucking suit again.
Marcus Skidmore: I thought it would be a bonus. And I just wanna remind you of something. It’s Christmas, a time for forgiveness, for family.
Willie Soke: I’m gonna remind you to fuck yourself.


 

Sunny Soke: Shitstick! What’s it been? Fifteen years? Twen…
[Willie punches her in the face]
Sunny Soke: Well, one thing hasn’t changed. You still hit like your fucking father.
Willie Soke: Fucking associate. No goddamn way. Not working with that poison bitch. Never again.
[Willie leaves the hall and Marcus follows him out]
Willie Soke: You tricked me, you little shithole! You know fucking well you did.
Marcus Skidmore: But I thought your dad was the one you hated.
Willie Soke: I hate him more than anything in the goddamn world! Except her.
[Willie starts to walk away]
Marcus Skidmore: Willie, stop! Willie!
[Willie stops in his tracks when Sunny comes around the corner]
Sunny Soke: Okay, shitstick, just give me back the money for the train ticket, then we’re square. Or you could do your dumb-ass self a favor, at least hear me out before you quit.


 

Sunny Soke: Boy, you been selling your blood for booze? You look like a fucking albino scarecrow. Anyway, still good to see you.
Willie Soke: Uh, I can’t say I feel the same. Goddamn, what a shit hole. You conned me, you little prick.
Marcus Skidmore: Fuck you!


 

Sunny Soke: Make yourselves at home. Bedroom’s mine. That sofa folds out, so you guys can fight over that. I got chicken feet in the fridge, so that’s what smells like nut sack. Boy, have a beer. I even got minis for the midget.
Marcus Skidmore: Don’t you ever fucking call me that.
Sunny Soke: Hey, listen, little man, I don’t speak politically correct, so if you got a problem with that, you take it up with the Lollipop Guild.
Marcus Skidmore: Shut the hell up!


 

Willie Soke: And when do you pull your little Roy Rogers pistol out on me again?
Marcus Skidmore: I said I was sorry. You gotta let that shit go, Willie!
Willie Soke: No, I think I’ll hang on to it.
Sunny Soke: Oh, Christ. If I cut ties with every numbnut who tried to shoot me, I never would’ve gotten pregnant with you. Come on, boy. It’ll be just like old times.
Willie Soke: Old times?
Sunny Soke: Mm-hmm.
Willie Soke: You mean a living fucking nightmare? Why didn’t you say so? I’m in. You gotta be shitting me. Good luck with the shakes.
Sunny Soke: Willie, come on. Just give it a chance.
[Willie leaves Sunny’s apartment]


 

[Marcus follows Willie out of Sunny’s apartment building]
Marcus Skidmore: What, you don’t trust your mother?
Willie Soke: Yeah, I trust her about as far as I can throw you. And I trust you about as far as I can throw her.
Marcus Skidmore: Come on, Willie, I need this. And I know your sorry ass does too. Look at you, man.
Willie Soke: Okay, if you want me in on this, it’s you and me against her. You got it? She don’t get a fucking nickel of what’s in that safe. Get me?
Marcus Skidmore: We’ll cut her out after the grab.
Willie Soke: Damn right.


 

[Willie and Marcus enter Sunny’s apartment]
Sunny Soke: I knew you couldn’t stay away. You always were your mama’s boy.
Willie Soke: You just pipe down about the family stuff, okay? I’m in this for the dough, period. You get me?
Sunny Soke: Well, it’s starting to feel like Christmas.


 

[in his Santa suit collecting money on a street corner]
Willie Soke: Spare some change. Think about somebody else besides your fucking self.


 

[a man comes up with his baby in a stroller to put some money in their charity bucket]
Sunny Soke: Look at those cheeks!
[after the man walks away]
Sunny Soke: That’s the ugliest fucking baby on the planet.
Willie Soke: I guess the abortion didn’t take.
[as another passerby puts money in the collection bucket]
Sunny Soke: Well, bless your heart.
[as the guy leave she looks in the bucket]
Sunny Soke: Cheap little fucker.
Willie Soke: Fucking dimes? Are you shitting me?
Sunny Soke: This ain’t no strip joint.
Marcus Skidmore: What a fucking Sokes family. This is what happens when you screw your cousins.
Sunny Soke: I taught this muskrat everything he knows.
Marcus Skidmore: [to Willie] Well, you don’t know shit, then, do you?
Sunny Soke: Hey, listen, before we had midget…
[Marcus gives her a stern look]
Sunny Soke: Excuse me, little people, we had Willie. He was my original elf. Remember those times, Willie? There ain’t enough booze to forget it.


 

[standing in the corner of a street dressed in his Santa suite collecting money]
Willie Soke: Okay, feed the kids. Come on. Give it up. You’ve seen them babies with beer bellies. Ho, ho! Come on, you got Jesus and the lambikins watching over you, checking their list twice. Here you go, lady, how about a little money? You know what, you’d better hope the orphans don’t riot. They’ll eat your fat ass right off the bat. You know, a lot of these kids don’t got any arms and legs and shit. You’re lucky. See, ma’am? Yours got all their parts.


 

[to Willie who’s dressed as Santa collecting money on the street corner]
Buttslap Santa: My spot. You are standing on my spot.
Willie Soke: Really? That’s funny, I don’t see your fucking name on it anywhere.
Buttslap Santa: Well, in fairness, I did leave it unattended, but that’s only because I had to run off to the little boys room.
Willie Soke: What are you, a fucking game show host or something? Dial it back a notch.
Buttslap Santa: But now I am back.


 

Buttslap Santa: I am going to have to ask you to watch your language when you’re representing the suit.
Willie Soke: And I’m going to have to ask you to suck my fucking dick.
Buttslap Santa: I’m warning you. Nothing and no one is getting in the way of me spreading my joy!


 

Willie Soke: You know what, I think you’re some kind of pervert and you’re afraid I’m muscling in on your fucking fondle territory. That’s what I think.
Buttslap Santa: I see what’s going on here. Yes, I see. You are hurting inside.
Willie Soke: Is that right?
Buttslap Santa: And there’s only one thing that can change that.
Willie Soke: Yeah? What’s that?
Buttslap Santa: A hug.
Willie Soke: Are you out of your goddamn mind?
Buttslap Santa: A hug from Santa!
Willie Soke: No, I don’t need no fucking hug from Santa.
[the Santa hugs Willie]
Willie Soke: Let go of me, motherfucker.
Buttslap Santa: Melt all that stress away.
[quietly to Willie as he hugs him]
Buttslap Santa: Would you cool it, pal? You’re scaring all the kids away. You know what I mean?
Willie Soke: You are a fucking pedophile!
Buttslap Santa: Let go of me.
[Willi starts hitting the Santa]


 

[to the crowd that’s gathered as Willie continues to hit the Santa]
Willie Soke: This guy’s a pedophiliac, here, and he’s after all your kids. You better get out of here. You fucking perverted fucking asshole!
[just then twp cops arrive and start to drag Willie off the Santa]
Willie Soke: What the fuck? Hang on a second. He’s the fucking kid diddler, not me. I’m a hero!


 

Diane Hastings: You can turn in your suit when you clean yourself up.
Willie Soke: Now, hang on a second. You’re firing me? I rooted out a pervert. You should be throwing me a fucking parade.
Diane Hastings: And we’re very grateful, but you reek of whiskey. You know the rules and you’re flouting them.
Willie Soke: Flouting? I never sucked jizz out of nobody’s ass. I mean, with a straw.
Diane Hastings: I believe that’s felching.
Willie Soke: Not that I would know.


 

Diane Hastings: I am all about those kids and the Christmas concert. We all participate. Volunteers, staff. If you’re interested, you could join us.
Willie Soke: Are you out of your goddamn mind? I ain’t dancing around with a bunch of candy canes and shit. Because I’m all about the birth of Christmas. You know, the wise guys kicked him out of the hotel, and the ejaculate conception and the drummer that didn’t have shit to give him but some perfume. And the King Midas or one of them threatened to cut the kid in half, turn him into gold, and but, see, I… It’s a heavy deal for me. Pretty damn heavy.
Diane Hastings: Are you talking about the true meaning of Christmas?
Willie Soke: Exactly.
Diane Hastings: Right.


 

[Marcus is all suited up]
Marcus Skidmore: How do I look?
Willie Soke: You look like one of those trolls that gang-fucked Willy Wonka.
Sunny Soke: [laughing] Good one, shitstick. Hey, Shaft, you ready to stick it to this chick tonight?
Marcus Skidmore: Bitch, let me tell you something. When I was at the pen, everyone called me tripod.
Willie Soke: Well, if your legs are six inches long, that’s not that big of a fucking deal, see. Now, if you’re six foot five and they called you tripod, then you’re talking about something.
Marcus Skidmore: Miserable fucks, both of you.


 

[Diane pulls over next to Willie]
Diane Hastings: Fine, get in. Regent and I haven’t had sex in over a decade. We stay together for the charity. I’m a good girl, Mr. Cook, but sometimes I need to be bad. Now get your filthy ass in the car.
Willie Soke: Now, see, that’s what I thought.


 

[as Willie is banging her doggy style behind a dumpster in an alleyway]
Diane Hastings: Fuck me like the dirty little slut that I am.
Willie Soke: Call me Santa.
Diane Hastings: What?
Willie Soke: Call me Santa.
Diane Hastings: Don’t be weird. Tell me how dirty this is.
Willie Soke: Call me Santa.
Diane Hastings: Shut up. And spit on me. Fuck!
[Willie spits]
Diane Hastings: Tell me how dirty it is.
Willie Soke: Okay. Uh, it’s a dumpster in an alley. It’s pretty, pretty fucking dirty, I guess.
Diane Hastings: Tell me it’s fucking dirty!
Willie Soke: Okay, it’s fucking dirty. It’s dirty. Yes, it’s dirty.
Diane Hastings: Oh, oh, fuck me. I’m so dirty.
Willie Soke: Yeah.


 

Willie Soke: What can Santa Claus get you?
[the boy just stares at Willie]
Willie Soke: What the hell are you looking at me so funny for?
Peeing Boy: Sorry, Santa, I had to go.
[we see the boy has peed himself and it’s dripping onto the floor]
Willie Soke: Oh, is that you? I thought it was me.


 

Grand Rapids Girl: Hey, you’re wet.
Willie Soke: No shit. What can I do for you?
Grand Rapids Girl: Will you be able to find me at my grandma’s house in Grand Rapids? Because no one’s going to be at our Chicago house for two weeks.
Willie Soke: Oh, yeah. Don’t worry. I’ll find you.
Grand Rapids Girl: But, hey, do Santy a favor, will you? You know the address of where you’re not gonna be? Write it down on a piece of paper and bring it back to Santy, will you?
[the girls writes down the address]
Willie Soke: Alright, honey. Good girl.


 

[a young boy is sat on his knee to give Willie his Christmas wishlist]
Willie Soke: What do you want?
Video Game Boy: I want Minecraft, Halo 5 Guardians, Rise of the Tomb Raider, Project X Zone Two, Assassin’s Creed Chronicles Trilogy, As…
Willie Soke: Yeah, yeah. That’s great, that’s great. I, I don’t know.
Video Game Boy: Call of Duty Black Ops III…
Willie Soke: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I have no idea what that shit is. You could be speaking fucking Swahili and I wouldn’t know any better.
Video Game Boy: Grand Theft Auto V.
Willie Soke: No, I don’t care.


 

[dressed as Santa with a little girl sat on his knee]
Willie Soke: What can I get you?
Stuffed Cow Girl: A stuffed cow that moos but doesn’t poop. Some duct tape so I can build a boat.
Willie Soke: What?!


 

Willie Soke: Have a seat. What can Santy Claus get you?
Penguin Girl: A penguin. It doesn’t have to be alive.


 

Willie Soke: What’s up, champ?
Hand Grenade Boy: I want a hand grenade.
Willie Soke: Yeah, well, I want a hand release, but you don’t see me holding my breath, do you?
Hand Grenade Boy: What’s a hand release?
Willie Soke: It’s kind of a compromise. Anyway, Santy ain’t no arms dealer, so I can’t help you out.


 

Willie Soke: I ain’t exactly what you call the romantic type, you know. I don’t go in for all the sappy shit, but, um, I gotta tell you, you got gigantic titties. And that’s no shit.
Diane Hastings: Um, thanks?
Willie Soke: No sweat. See you.


 

[Thurman calls Willie]
Willie Soke: This better be an emergency.
Thurman Merman: Willie, where are you? I’m in Chicago, but I can’t find you anywhere.
Willie Soke: Wait, hang on a second. What are you doing in fucking Chicago?
Thurman Merman: I wanted to surprise you for Christmas. The best Christmas gifts are always a surprise.
Willie Soke: Are you off of your goddamn nut? Is that what you do? You follow people all the way across the fucking country?
Thurman Merman: Not everyone. Just you. Are you surprised?
Willie Soke: No, this shit happens every day.
Thurman Merman: It does?
Willie Soke: No. On what fucking planet…? Never mind. What the fuck are you doing?
Thurman Merman: Uh, Willie, it’s really cold here. I didn’t bring a coat, only my gloves.
Willie Soke: Goddamn it. You gotta be shitting me. Do you got a pencil or some shit to write on?


 

Sunny Soke: Is this your spawn?
Willie Soke: Do I look like I made him?
Sunny Soke: Well, if this ain’t fetal alcohol syndrome, then what the fuck is it? He keeps trying to make me a sandwich.
Willie Soke: That’s what he does.
[just then Marcus enters the apartment]
Thurman Merman: Elf!
[Thurman hugs Marcus]
Sunny Soke: Hey! You get that key?
Thurman Merman: You got smaller.


 

[referring to Thurman]
Marcus Skidmore: What the… Am I tripping?
Sunny Soke: You might be, because, you know, certain pussies has hallucinogenic aftereffects if you eat too much of it. I found out the hard way once when I messed with my own kind.
Thurman Merman: One time, I ate too much turkey bacon, I didn’t poop for two weeks. For four weeks.


 

Willie Soke: Hey, kid, listen. This is really not the right place for you to be, okay?
Thurman Merman: Because there’s not enough beds? I only counted one, plus a couch.
Willie Soke: Exactly.
Thurman Merman: You should get bunk beds, Willie.
Willie Soke: Yeah, maybe we’ll do that. But, uh, in the meantime, let’s you and me head out, alright?
Thurman Merman: Bye, Elf. Bye, Willie’s mom. My mom’s in Jesus’s house with Mary and Joseph and the talking walnut.
Sunny Soke: You a hundred percent sure he’s not yours?
Willie Soke: Yeah.
Sunny Soke: Well, then, cut him loose. Set some boundaries, for chrissake. You can’t have every stray following you around like a lost puppy.
Willie Soke: Jesus, I said I’m going, okay?
Thurman Merman: Can we get a Chicago pizza? It’s like pizza, but in Chicago.
Willie Soke: Yeah, we’ll get a pizza. No sweat.


 

[after Willie’s bought some pizza for Thurman]
Thurman Merman: This is really fun, Willie. I didn’t even know you had a mom.
Willie Soke: What did you think? I was just hatched?
Thurman Merman: Well, where were you born?
Willie Soke: I was born in the Pulaski County Juvenile Detention Center in Little Rock, Arkansas.
Thurman Merman: Oh, that sounds really nice.
Willie Soke: Well, it wasn’t nice. And she’s a mean fucking bitch, so don’t go getting any ideas, alright?
Thurman Merman: Well, sometimes you’re not nice, but you’re still Santa.
Willie Soke: Listen kid, seriously. You’re all grown-up and shit now, okay? You gotta stop that.
Thurman Merman: Well, I know you’re not the Santa. But you’re still my Santa.
Willie Soke: Come on. Let’s go.


 

Volunteer Greeter: Would you like to join us, Thurman? This looks like it might fit.
Thurman Merman: I get to wear this?
Volunteer Greeter: Of course you do. You’re a Santa now, Thurman. Go ahead, put it on.
[Thurman turns, pulls his pants down and we see he’s buck naked butt]


 

Willie Soke: [voice over] Well, I guess this is what they call a happy ending. But as far as Christmas miracles go, shit, I don’t know. That asshole Regent ended up getting busted while I got off clean by ratting out my steaming pile of shit mother. Guess I did learn one thing about family from that crazy bitch. And that is, if yours happens to be a bag of dicks, then fuck them. Start over.


 

[last lines]
Willie Soke: [voice over] So maybe there is no such thing as a Christmas miracle, or whatever. But I’ve worn the suit enough to know a perfect Christmas gift when I see one. And like the kid says, “The best gifts are always a surprise.” So if a happy ending is staring at you right in the fucking face, then just say, “Alright, I guess I’ll take it.”


Total Quotes: 44

 

Trailers:

 

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