By Chantelle Kearton (London)
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Being a bit of a vampire fan myself, I eventually succumbed to the hype that is the Twilight Saga and watched Twilight at home before going to see New Moon at the cinema. It was everything I had expected from this Saga. More of a soap opera than an ACTUAL vampire movie. However, curiosity got the better of me and I went and saw Eclipse at the cinema too. My thinking behind this was that it couldn’t be as bad as New Moon, which in my opinion, not a lot happened and the leading lady, Bella (played by Kristen Stewart) spent most of the movie crying and writhing in dreamscape pain over Edward (played by Robert Pattinson, who looks like he’s constantly going to cry and is somehow always wearing the same outfit), whom had decided they couldn’t be together for her own safety. But I’m not here to pull New Moon apart. As far as 1’m concerned, it wasn’t great but Eclipse more than made up for it.

Moving on to Breaking Dawn – Part 1. I have to say, knowing that this movie started with a wedding (I’ll admit here to not having read the books), I had assumed that this was a good way to get it out of the way, (personally I find wedding moves always drag out the soppiness far too long and the build up to the actual wedding is a lot of drab).

Basically, the opening scene of this movie sees Jacob (played by Taylor Lautner, arguably the better actor of the two leading men, but still widely overrated) strip off his shirt. Not five minutes into the film and off it goes. Unless you’re a 13 year-old girl who’s never seen any of the previous films, this is really a case of seen it all before.

This movie goes from bad to worse as it stumbles through, what I can only describe as awkward, and not in any way sexy, scenes of Bella and Edward consummating their relationship once and for all. The whole thing was cringe-worthy and not romantic or tear-jerking at all. I think a lot if this is to do with the fact that Kristen Stewart just isn’t that great at portraying Bella (notice how I didn’t say she can’t act). She’s emotionally detached from the character and it really shows. Here is a prime example. As Stewart tried to convey Bella’s last minute doubts/fears over her nuptials to Edward, she looks as though she’s going to be sick and is in physical pain. Quite frankly I think she was trying too hard. A few quickly-fading smiles and just a simple look of worry would have sufficed. She pretty much never smiles, which even if she was a bit unsure and even at the reality of the enormity of what she was agreeing to, she would still smile at some point otherwise she wouldn’t go through with it. Even the sight of Edward doesn’t plant a big grin on her pained face. If that was my wedding day I’d be enjoying every minute (well I’d at least be pretending to!).

Well I couldn’t have been more wrong about Breaking Dawn. “It’s the biggest sop-fest ever witnessed”, direct quote from me.

If you are happy to spend your hard earned cash sitting through a movie, which is basically about watching two people get married, go on their honeymoon and then debate what to do because Bella is now dying from her pregnancy, then this is definitely the movie for you. That’s right I said pregnancy. I’m well aware this is written in the book but I feel I still need to emphasize just how ridiculous this part of the series is. Point noted, let’s move on.

Now we come to perhaps one of the worst aspects of this film. If you are a die-hard fan or even if you’ve seen the previous movies you will know that the werewolves communicate on a telepathic scale, with only Edward being able to hear their thoughts. Well this movie tipped the scale. I hope you’re sitting down and are ready for this.

Wait for it…

This movie has voiceovers so that we, the audience, can hear the wolves communicating amongst themselves (cue laughter). Now I can’t remember if this was present in the previous movies and if it was it was used sparingly, however in this film, it went on and on. This was a terrible idea and whoever came up with it must have been intoxicated, sleepwalking, insane or a combination of the three. Not only did this make the film even more tacky (I know, at this point it’s hard to believe it could get any worse right?) but it had me and everyone else in the theatre in stitches. Was this film a comedy? Well it’s getting harder and harder to categorize.

This movie is dull and in many parts laughable. I found myself giggling at how stupid it all was, e.g. the drawn out scenes of Edward and Bella playing chess, or kissing for the fifty hundredth time. You might be thinking what’s wrong it’s a love story. Well yes but let’s not try and pretend this is a vampire movie because frankly the only thing that points to any vampness is the submission of blood, which by the way Bella (the human) drinks, not any of the vamps. In fact, throughout the whole movie none of the vamps consume any blood, you never see a fang and all you see is them move quickly a few times. I know the previous movies have touched (and I use that word sparingly) on their vampness, but I’m just trying to portray to you that this is NOT a vampire movie and is in fact a soap opera, love story depicted around a love triangle, as it always has been.

Perhaps my biggest gripe about this movie is that I fully expected a cheesy love story but this goes way beyond that. It’s like being tortured watching scene after scene of nothing much at all. I also firmly believe that if they weren’t so determined to split the last book and make more money by having two movies, they could probably have just made one good movie. Obviously I can’t judge Part 2 YET, but what I can tell you is that last night I wasted one hour and 48 minutes of my life on drab that could quite easily have been condensed into 20 minutes. A waste of time and money!

Now if you’ve come to the end of this review and are thinking, well a true fan wouldn’t feel this way and you’re going to see the film anyway, that’s your choice. I’m just warning you about what you’ll be in for. That’s almost two hours of my life I can never get back. I can appreciate a good love story when I see one but this was just awful.

My advice is, if you haven’t already, go and read the book if curiosity is knocking on your door because anything has got to be better than this and everyone knows books are always better.

You’ve been warned!

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