Bridesmaids quotes combines sometimes cringe-inducing moments with raw humor to produce an instant classic. This is most definitely not a lame chick flick and although the story is very formulaic, what saves it is the effortless blend of bad taste, foul-mouthed comedy with a believable poignancy and empathy. All in all this is a fresh, sassy comedy with an emotional core, so read on to view the Bridesmaids quotes.


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Directed by: Paul Feig
Written by:
Kristen Wiig
Annie Mumolo
Starring:
Kristen Wiig - Annie
Maya Rudolph - Lillian
Melissa McCarthy - Megan
Rose Byrne - Helen
Chris O'Dowd - Officer Nathan Rhodes
Jill Clayburgh - Annie's Mom
Wendi McLendon-Covey - Rita
Ellie Kemper - Becca
Jon Hamm - Ted
Joe Nunez - Oscar the Security Guard
Rebel Wilson - Brynn
Matt Lucas - Gil
Greg Tuculescu - Kevin
Franklyn Ajaye - Lillian's Dad
Tim Heidecker - Dougie
Lynne Marie Stewart - Lillian's Mom
Andy Buckley - Helen's Husband
Jessica St. Clair - Whitney
Tom Yi - Jewelry Store Couple
Elaine Kao - Jewelry Store Couple
Kali Hawk - Kahlua

[first lines; whilst having sex]
Annie: So...so glad you called.
Ted: I'm so glad you were free.
Annie: God, I love your eyes. Okay, now what?
Ted: Cup my balls.
Annie: Okay. Uh...yes. All right, I can do that.
Ted: Oh, there it is!
Annie: There we go.

---

[whilst having sex]
Annie: Oh, that feels good.
Ted: You know what to do.
Annie: Okay, you know what? Slow it down.
Ted: Okay.
Annie: Slow it down. Slow it down. Down. There we go.
Ted: How's that?
Annie: It's good. Nice and slow. See? It feels good?
Ted: No. I wanna go fast.
Annie: You wanna go fast?
Ted: Yeah.

---

Ted: You slept over.
Annie: I did.
Ted: I thought we had a rule against that?
Annie: Oh!
Ted: I'm kidding.
Annie: Oh! That was funny. You're funny in the morning.
Ted: But I like hanging out with you.
Annie: Oh, yeah! I love hanging out with you. I think we get along really well and you're so...sexy. And...
Ted: I know.

---

Ted: I'm just, you know, I just have a lot coming up at work.
Annie: Oh!
Ted: And...and...and I just, I don't wanna make promises I can't keep. You know what I mean?
Annie: Mmm.
Ted: I know you do.
Annie: Yeah. We're on the same page. I mean, I'm not looking for a relationship right now either. Let's just say that, I just...whatever you wanna...I can do, you know? I'd rather just...I like simple. I'm not like other girls, like; 'be my boyfriend!' Unless you were like; 'yeah!'. Then I'd be like; 'maybe'.
Ted: But that's not on.
Annie: I don't want that either.
Ted: I don't either.

---

[to Annie after he's kissed her whilst in bed]
Ted: Wow, this is so awkward. I really want you to leave, but I don't know how to day it without sounding like a dick.

---

[behind a tree in the park following the exercises the instructor is giving his class]
Lillian: He scares me.
Annie: Me too. But he's an excellent motivator.
Lillian: That's true.
[he looks over and sees them behind the tree]
Annie: Oh, shit! He sees us.
[shouting to Annie and Lillian]
Rodney: Hey! Hey! If you wanna take this class, you're gonna have to pay for it, like the rest of these bitches! What are you....?
[he watches as they start dancing]
Rodney: Dancing...in the park! Dance class? You are not dancing! You are not dancing in the park!
[to Lillian]
Annie: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
[they quickly get their stuff]
Rodney: Freeloaders! I'm comin' over there.
Annie: Is he coming?
Rodney: I'm comin' after you!
[they start running away]
Lillian: Sorry, Rodney! We're on a budget!
Rodney: Oh, come on! It's only twelve bucks. Come one! Fucking freeloaders!

---

Annie: How is it going with him, anyway?
Lillian: I don't know. I mean it's fine. I just feel like, he's kinda been distant lately and, I don't know. He calls me dude a lot.
Annie: That doesn't mean anything. I think everything's fine.
Lillian: I don't know.

---

Lillian: What did you do last night?
[she doesn't reply but gives Lillian a look]
Lillian: You are not telling me something.
Annie: I...I hung out with Ted, for like, a little bit.
Lillian: I knew it!
We had...we had...fun. It was fun.
Lillian: Here's what I don't like about it; you hate yourself after you see him. Everytime. And then we go through this and you feel like shit. And it's almost like you're doing it because you feel bad about yourself.

---

[referring to the night she slept with Ted]
Annie: He called me late and we hung out. It wasn't like a big deal. And you know, it was fun.
Lillian: Ew! You had sex with him.
Annie: We had a...an adult sleepover.
Lillian: Oh! Did you let him sleepover...in your mouth?
[she pulls a face to confirm that she had]
Lillian: Annie!
Annie: I'm sorry!
Lillian: You're unbelievable.
Annie: He kept like, putting it near my face.
Lillian: They do that, don't they?
Annie: Why do they do that? What is offer?
Lillian: Please!
Annie: If we don't offer...
Lillian: Just slap it away.
Annie: I couldn't!

---

[referring to Ted's dick]
Annie: You don't wanna look right at it.
Lillian: I know!
Annie: It's too aggressive.
Lillian: I don't care.
Annie: It's like...
[she does an impression of a dick by popping her head forward]
Lillian: Hello!
Annie: That's my impression.
[referring to Annie's arms by her side]
Lillian: Those are the balls?
Annie: Yeah. I'm trying to make it round, but I can't cause I have elbows.
[she pops her head forward again with one eye closed making Lillian laugh]

---

[referring to Ted]
Annie: He's so hot though!
Lillian: Look, I know you say he's cute, and all that stuff. But he makes you feel like shit, you know? You're a total catch and any guy would be psyched to be your man. You should just make room for somebody who's nice to you and...
Annie: You know what? He's honest. He told me that we are what we are and we're just having fun, and I like that!
Lillian: He also told you dental work! He's an asshole!

---

[looking at her closed bakery]
Annie: Well, I'm the genius that opened a bakery during the recession.
Lillian: They were good cakes, Annie.
Annie: Thank you.
[turning Annie to the side and walking away]
Lillian: Come on. Look away! Look away! Look away!

---

[helping a couple choose an engagement ring]
Annie: You guys love each other, huh?
Male Jewelry Store Couple: Yeah.
Female Jewelry Store Couple: Yeah.
Annie: Oh, that's sweet. That will go away.
[the couples face falls and Annie's boss looks over]
Annie: You cannot trust...anybody. Ever. Especially someone you're in a relationship with, you know? Cause they're living with you, you don't know who you're sleeping next to. It is scary! I mean, look at him? He may not even be Asian. It's scary!
[the couple just stare at her silently]
Annie: So did you guys want to look at um...these engagement rings?
Male Jewelry Store Couple: We're gonna browse.
Female Jewelry Store Couple: Yeah.
Annie: Okay. Sure. I'll be here
[the couple quickly walk out of the store]

---

Don Cholodecki: Show me 'you're love is eternal' face.
[Annie pulls lopsided smiling face]
Don Cholodecki: No. That's two years. Four years, tops. That is not eternal.

---

Kahlua: What's up, Don-Don?
Don Cholodecki: [laughing] You make up the best nicknames. You don't need a nickname cause Kahlua is so delicious.
[he touches her arm]
Don Cholodecki: Don't sue me for touching you. Show Annie 'you're love is eternal' face.
[she strikes a pose by looking off into the distance and Annie tries to copy it]
Don Cholodecki: [to Annie] That looks like you have menstrual cramps.

---

Brynn: Guess what happened to me today?
Annie: Mmm, what?
Brynn: I got a free tattoo.
Annie: You did what?
Brynn: I could not believe it. The guy said; do you want a tattoo?
Annie: Just a random...?
Brynn: Yeah. Opened up the side of his van.
Annie: No!
Brynn: He said; it's for free! I said; sure.
Annie: You said yes?
Brynn: Yeah! Yeah! Look.
[she pulls up her shirt to reveal a giant tattoo going from her stomach round to her back which is sore and bleeding]

---

Annie: Have you seen your sister's tattoo? It's really infected.
[Gil looks at the tattoo]
Gil: Maybe give it a little bit of ice on it.
Annie: Yeah. Little bit.
Gil: Yeah, bit of ice.
Annie: Stick some frozen peas on there.
Brynn: All right.
Gil: Yeah, can't hurt.

---

[holding out her hand to show Annie her engagement ring]
Lillian: I got engaged.
Annie: What?!
Lillian: He asked me last night.
Annie: What?!
Lillian: I know! That's why he's been acting so weird. Because he's a terrible lier and he though he was gonna blow it. He was ignoring me and I thought he was gonna break up with me and...
Annie: Oh, my gosh!

---

Lillian: I'm shocked, still. But I'm happy. Can you believe it?
Annie: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I just got hot!
Lillian: You did?
Annie: Yes.
Lillian: You okay?
Annie: Yeah. My pits are sweating.
Lillian: What does that mean?
Annie: I don't know. I'm hot. Oh, my God! Aahh! What is happening?
Lillian: I don't know! I'm wearing a ring.

---

Lillian: I can't believe it.
Annie: Lil, you're getting married.
Lillian: I'm getting married. And...you'll be my maid of honor?
Annie: Oh, my God! Of course! Of course I will!
Lillian: It's going to be super fun.
Annie: Of course it will be fun.
Lillian: Yeah! You know, we can plan everything together and...
Annie: God! Planning your wedding!
Lillian: Are you sure you're up for it? I know it's a lot to ask and put on your plate and you're going through a tricky time and super busy...
Annie: Stop!
Lillian: It's a lot to ask.
Annie: Stop!
Lillian: Okay.
Annie: It's fine.
Lillian: Okay.
Annie: And I'm more than happy to do it. And it's not too much.

---

Annie's Mom: I signed up to speak at AA tonight and I...I...I...I just have to.
Annie: Mom?!
Annie's Mom: No! I...I forgot. I'm sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
Annie: Mom, I keep telling you, you're not supposed to go to those things. You know, you're not an alcoholic.
Annie's Mom: Well, only because I've never had a drink.
Annie: What?
Annie's Mom: I mean, they are inspiring.

---

[referring to her AA meetings]
Annie's Mom: There is this one story I've just got to tell you. Sit down.
Annie: Okay.
Annie's Mom: There's this gentleman, who started blow jobbing to get crack. His name is Marvin Johnson.
Annie: Mom! Anonymous! You keep...it's...don't...
Annie's Mom: Okay!
Annie: Names!
Annie's Mom: Okay! Forget it! Marvin J, whatever!
Annie: Too late!
Annie's Mom: Well, he became a gay prostitute and he realized that he had hit his bottom. And I have been thinking, honey, that maybe, this is your bottom. I'm telling you, hitting bottom is a good thing.
Annie: Because?
Annie's Mom: Because...
Annie: Because there's...
Annie's Mom: Because there's no where to go but up.
Annie: ...no where to go but up. Yep.
Annie's Mom: Right?
Annie: Yep. Just like you say.
Annie's Mom: Yeah. Positive message.
Annie: Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for the pep talk, mom.

---

Annie: Right. Well, I guess I'm going to Lillian's party by myself then.
Annie's Mom: Oh, don't talk to me about being by yourself. I go everywhere by myself. Well, you know, thanks to that new whore, Barb. You know?
Annie: Mom! Come on!
Annie's Mom: I don't like to say it. But, you know, that's what...
Annie: They've been married twelve years.
Annie's Mom: Oh, okay. But she's still a whore.
Annie: Yes.
Annie's Mom: You know, I'm sure she greets him in the evening, beaver first.
Annie: I don't want to think about that.

---

Annie's Mom: You sure you don't wanna move in with me?
Annie: Oh mom, thanks. But...um, no way! No way in hell!
Annie's Mom: No?
Annie: I mean, no thanks.
Annie's Mom: Think about it.
Annie: Okay.
Annie's Mom: You don't need your own place.
Annie: Yeah, well. I kinda do.

---

[after meeting Rita at Lillian's engagement party]
Lillian: She has three kids now.
Rita: Three boys.
Annie: Woh!
Lillian: They're so cute.
Rita: They are cute, but when they reach that age...oh, disgusting! They smell! They're sticky! They say things that are horrible. And there is semen all over everything, okay? Disgusting! I cracked a blanket in half! Do you get where I'm going with that?
Annie: I do. Yeah.
Rita: I cracked it in half!
Lillian: What?

---

[after being introduced to Becca at Lillian's engagement party]
Becca: This is my husband, Kevin.
Annie: Hi.
Kevin: Hi.
Becca: Husband. I like to say it. We're newly weds.
Annie: Oh, wow! Congratulations.
Becca: Thank you so much. We went on a sweetheart honeymoon.
Annie: Where did you guys go?
Becca and Kevin: Disney world.
Annie: Oh!
Becca: We finish each other's sentences. Sorry!

---

Becca: Is this your husband?
[Annie turns around and we see an older looking man standing behind her]
Annie: No. No. No! No! I don't know him. I'm sorry.
Annie's Mistaken Husband: Do you wanna go for a walk later?
Annie: Oh! I can't.
Annie's Mistaken Husband: All right.
[looking disappointed he turns and walks away]
Annie: I can't. I'm sorry.
Becca: I am so sorry!
Annie: I'm not...I'm not with anybody. I'm here solo.
Becca: Let's start it again. I'm...
Kevin: Re-re-re-rewind!
[laughing]
Becca: I'm Becca. This is my husband. You don't have a husband!
[realizing what she's just said]
Becca: Sorry!

---

[after being introduced to Megan at Lillian engagement party]
Megan: I just fell off a crew ship.
Annie: Ouch!
Megan: But I'm back.
Annie: Oh, shit!
Megan: Yeah, oh shit. Yeah, oh shit! Took a hard, hard violent fall. Kinda pinballed down. Hit a lot of railings. Broke a lotta shit. I didn't...I'm not gonna say I survived. I say I thrived. I met a dolphin down there. And I swear to God, that dolphin looked not at me, but into my soul. Into my Goddamn soul, Annie. And said; I'm saving you Megan. Not with his mouth, but he said it, I'm assuming telepathically.
Annie: Oh!
Megan: We had a connection, that I don't even know if I can exp...Oh, Jesus!

---

Megan: You must be Annie's fella?
[she puts out her hand to introduce herself to the tall older man we now see standing next to Annie]
Megan: I'm Megan. It's a pleasure.
Annie: Oh, he's not...uh...I'm not...he's not...I'm not with him.
Megan: Oh! All right!
[the man turns and walks away]
Megan: I'm glad he's single, cause I'm gonna climb that like a tree.

---

[giving her maid of honor speech at the engagement party]
Annie: Hi. Um...I'm Annie Walker.
[cheering her along]
Lillian: Yay! Annie!
Annie: Uh...I'm not gonna go on with a big speech. So I'll just say this; um...I'm so happy to be a part of this celebration. And you two deserve each other, as well as a lifetime of happiness.
Dougie: Thank you.
Annie: Cheers!

---

[after taking taking the microphone from Annie to giver her speech]
Helen: Lil, remember that trip we took to Miami, with the boys?
[she laughs]
Helen: And they were working the entire weekend. And we just sat and drank wine and ate peanut brittle and I shares things with you that I've never shared with anyone. And you made me realize how I can trust people again. So let me just say; Lillian, you're my best friend. And I'm so proud of you
[she starts tearing up]
Helen: And...um, Doug-Li? I'm sorry, inside joke!
[the crowd laughs]
Helen: Uh you better not keep my Lil on a leash, because I still need my drunken Saturday nights at Rock'N Sushi, okay? Wooh!
[the crowd cheers with her but Annie looks confused]
Helen: Everybody, raise your glass to the couple of the decade; Doug and Lillian.

---

[jealous of Helen's speech, Annie walks on stage to give another speech Lillian]
Annie: Um...I just wanted to say really quick that, you're so special to me, because...well, one of the reasons is because I've known you my...my whole entire life. And you've really help shape who I am. I just wanna thank you for, carefully, selecting me as your maid of honor. I know you had some other choices, but um...you're like my sister, and I love you. Well, that concludes the speeches for the night.
[just then Helen walks on the stage with a microphone in her hand]

---

[trying to up Annie's engagement speech yet again]
Helen: One last thing. I...it's rare to meet someone as an adult who you really connect with. And that's you, Lil. I went to Thailand recently with my husband, Perry. And there's a beautiful saying that I learned there.
[she gives the speech in Thai]
Helen: It means; you are a part of me. A part that I could never live without. And I hope, and I pray that I never have to. Khob-kun-Ka.
[bows to the crowd]
Helen: khob-kun-Ka, khob-kun-Ka. And that's it for tonight! Thank you for coming!

---

[comes back on stage after Helen has ended hers]
Annie: Lillian and I took Spanish together, in school. And so, I would just like to say to you, and to everyone here; "Gracias para vivar en la casa, en la escuelas, en el azul...markada. Tienes con beber en las Fortuasla?" and gracias!
[Helen comes on stage again and takes the microphone from Annie]
Helen: Thank you. I feel so close to you and can trust you. You're my angel, my soul mate. And I feel I can communicate with you with simply a look.
[she looks at Lillian and Lillian gives her an understanding look]
Helen: Thank you for coming.

---

[back on stage again after Helen's speech, she gives Lillian a long look and then starts singing]
Annie: Keep smilin'. Keep shinin'. knowing you can always count on me. For sure. That's what friends are for.
[to Annie's dismay Helen joins her on stage and starts singing along with her]
Annie and Helen: In good times, and bad times. I'll be on your side forever more. That's what friends are for.
[they sing off out of tune, Lillian looks a bit embarrassed but the crowd cheers for them]

---

Annie: So uh...what's up with her anyway, with Helen?
Lillian: What?
Annie: Well, I'm just, like, you know? She's in your wedding and you've only known her, like eight months though, right? Come on!
Lillian: Get it out. Get it all out.
Annie: Well, I'm just, like the whole gown, the oohh...! You know, things. Weird, right?
Lillian: You know what? She's actually really cool, Annie. She's really, she's a good one. I'm telling you.
Annie: Well, I'm sure if...if you like her, I will like her and...
Lillian: You have to just, get to know her.
Annie: Yeah.
Lillian: Which I think you really should. And will you just do me a favor, will you just hang out with her once? Just the two of you, right? As a favor to me?
Annie: Okay. I will.

---

[being pulled over for drunken driving and demonstrating walking in a straight line]
Annie: See? Okay. Not drunk. Told you!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: So, you're just a terrible sober driver?
Annie: Ha...ha. Very funny. Can I stop walking now?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You can stop walking when I tell you to stop walking.

---

[whilst writing her a ticket he finds out that he used to know her bakery]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Cake Baby. You're, Cake Baby.
Annie: Yeah!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Yeah. You had your sign with your face.
Annie: Yeah!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: That was you?
Annie: That was me!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You made good cakes.

---

[remembering her bakery]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: I used to get served by this tall, kind of a broad guy, like a wormy face.
Annie: Oh, yeah. That's my boyfriend.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Sorry.
Annie: Oh! No! No! No! He was my boyfriend. And then he left me when the business went under. So, anyway.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You're kidding?
[she doesn't answer]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: What a dick! I'm glad I never tipped him.

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