Crazy Stupid Love Quotes
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[drinking at their usual bar with Cal looking more confident after taking many women home following Jacob's teachings]
Cal Weaver: I have never experienced that before in my life.
Jacob Palmer: But great.
Cal Weaver: Most women are like that these days?
Jacob Palmer: God bless technology.
Cal Weaver: God bless it!
Jacob Palmer: Dude, I went home with this girl the other night, she was like cackling me the whole time we were...I felt like was, you know, doing it with the tool guides from the Muppet Show.



[Liz calls Hannah as she spots Jacob in the bar]
Liz: Hey, hot guy from the bar who hit on you is here.
Hannah: Liz, I'm studying.
Liz: You should be studying the ceiling of his bedroom, is what you should studying.



[on the phone with Liz trying to persuade Hannah to sleep with Jacob]
Liz: Come on, take a break! It will be good for you to get out. And by get out, I mean have hot guy from the bar knock you into his headboard until you see God.
Hannah: What is wrong with you?
Liz: You should be studying the gentle curve of his cock.
Hannah: Okay! Goodbye, Liz.
[she hangs on Liz]
Liz: Is that too much? Hello?



Claire Riley: I just thought you'd wanna know what I heard about your pal, Cal.
Jessica: What about Mr. Weaver, mom?
Claire Riley: Um...just apparently, Mr. Weaver has become a real ladies man.
Jessica: What?
Bernie Riley: Claire! Stop.
Claire Riley: She should know, she babysits for him. She's almost an adult.
[to Jessica]
Claire Riley: Lots of young women in and out of his apartment.
Bernie Riley: Claire, she's too young for this. I don't like this S-E-X talk in front of the K-I-D-S.
Claire Riley: Sweetheart, first of all they can spell. Second of all, I'm just saying I thing we were right in choosing Emily.



[at school Jessica follows the resident bad girl to ask her some advice]
Madison: Are you following me?
Jessica: Madison, uh...I just had a question for you.
Madison: Okay, Jessica. What's up?
Jessica: It's kind of on the personal side.
Madison: Yep, my lips are...
[she makes a noise like a seal and Jessica looks at her not understanding]
Madison: Seals! My lips are seals.



Jessica: So my question, and I don't mean to be blunt or insulting, but lets just call it what it is. You're always sleeping with older guys, right?
Madison: Always.
Jessica: Oh, um...so my question for you, Madison, is um...how do you do that? I mean like, how do you get them to see you as just not a kid in high school, you know, but like as someone who's mature and old?
Madison: First off, I have a huge rack.
Jessica: Uh...yes, you do.
Madison: You don't have a huge rack.
Jessica: No.
Madison: Wait, how old is he?
Jessica: Old.
Madison: Like really old?
Jessica: Like married old.
Madison: Nasty, Jessica!
Jessica: Exactly, that's what I was thinking, right?
Madison: Rock on!
Jessica: Thank you.
Madison: You are so dirty!
Jessica: Yes, I know.



[giving Jessica advice on how to look older so as to attract older men]
Madison: You gotta force his hand. You know what I mean? Go teansy on his ass.
Jessica: Not following.
Madison: A dirty picture.
Jessica: Oh! Oh!
Madison: Make this face.
[she does a provocative looking face]
Jessica: Jeez, Madison! Stop!
Madison: What? You put that on his radar and he won't see you as a little girl anymore, that's for sure.



[at school lunch Jessica and all the other kids see a giant scaffold covered by red drapes, suddenly the drapes drop to reveal Robbie]
Robbie Weaver: Behold! Jessica Riley, you are my soul mate. The love of my life. I have marked myself with a scarlet J.
[he opens his shirt to reveal a large scarlet letter J written on his chest]
Robbie Weaver: For you, Jessica!
[all the kids start laughing and Jessica gets angry and embarrassed]
Jessica: Robbie, get down from there!
Crazy Stupid Love Quotes



Jessica: This has got to stop, Robbie!
Robbie Weaver: You'll learn to love me, I promise!
Jessica: No, I won't.
Robbie Weaver: Just cause I'm four years younger than you?
Jessica: Because I love somebody else!
Robbie Weaver: Who is he?
Jessica: He's older. And I didn't want my parents find out.
Robbie Weaver: You know I'll kill him if he hurts you.
Jessica: Yeah, I know. Okay, Robbie, this has to stop. Okay? No more. Grow up. I'll see you around.



Cal Weaver: What's with all the moping?
Robbie Weaver: Uh...nothing. It's just...there's a girl.
Cal Weaver: A girl, huh? You like her?
Robbie Weaver: I like Pringles. I mean, this girl, she is incredible. She's my soul mate, you know? She doesn't even care.
Cal Weaver: But she's your soul mate, right?
Robbie Weaver: Yeah.
Cal Weaver: So, you just don't give up on her, right?
Robbie Weaver: Why not? You did.
Cal Weaver: I didn't give up. Okay? It's more complicated than that. It...I'm a different guy now.
Robbie Weaver: You're not a different guy, you just have different clothes.
Cal Weaver: It's not that simple, kiddo.
Robbie Weaver: What kind of crap is that?
Cal Weaver: Watch it!
Robbie Weaver: Either you love her or you don't, and I know you do. I'm serious, dad. I just need some inspiration right now. Right? Go get her back.
Cal Weaver: Wow! How old are you?



[at the parent teacher conference, Emily sees Cal for the first since his new foun confidence]
Emily Weaver: Wow! You look great, Cal.
Cal Weaver: Oh. Well, it turns out I've been buying the wrong sized suite for like twenty years.
Emily Weaver: Oh, well. Whatever, you um...you look great.
Cal Weaver: Thanks. You always look great.
Emily Weaver: Oh, thanks.



Cal Weaver: What teacher is this?
Emily Weaver: Miss Tafferty. She's the one he pulled the 'Scarlet Letter asshole' routine on.
Cal Weaver: Mmhmm. God, such a weird kid.
Emily Weaver: I kinda like him though.
Cal Weaver: Hmm. Yeah, me too. I'm glad we switched babies at the hospital.
Emily Weaver: Me too. That other one's in jail probably .



Cal Weaver: I miss you, Em. I made an effort when we were younger, didn't I? I mean, miniature golf and dancing. You were such a great dancer.
Emily Weaver: I had to be, you were such a good miniature golfer.
Cal Weaver: I just, I don't know, I guess I got lazy. I got...I got boring, is what I got.
Emily Weaver: No. No.
Cal Weaver: And I'm so mad at you. I'm really mad at you for what you did. But I'm mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of the car, I should have fought for you. Cause you fight for your soul mates. At least that's what my thirteen year old son tells me.
Emily Weaver: He's a really strange kid.
Cal Weaver: He scares the shit out of me.
Emily Weaver: I miss you too.



[after it turns out that Miss Tafferty is in fact Kate, the first woman Cal picked up in the bar and never called back]
Kate: As you know, Robbie's shinning moment was when he set a school record for cursing in eighth grade English class.
[she laughs and writes the word asshole on the blackboard]
Kate: Asshole! You're familiar with this word, Mrs. Weaver?
Emily Weaver: Yes, I am. And I've spoken to the principal about..
Kate: Asshole, as in someone who tells a woman that he'll call and never does!
Crazy Stupid Love Quotes[she looks straight at Cal whilst saying this]
Cal Weaver: Mmm.
Kate: Asshole, as in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him, but he's actually full of shit, like the rest of them!
[whispering to Cal]
Emily Weaver: Oh, this is not about Robbie.
Kate: Asshole, as in someone who allows a woman to go downtown for forty five minutes, because he's nervous!
Emily Weaver: Ew! Ew!
Cal Weaver: Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! You know what? You know what? No. Here's the deal.
[he pulls in closer to Emily and whispers]
Cal Weaver: She's an alcoholic.
[on hearing this Kate screams and Cal and Emily quickly leave the classroom]



[as they walk to the school parking lot]
Cal Weaver: I did. I slept with our son's eight grade English teacher.
Emily Weaver: I know. I know. And I...I cheated! So I have no right to be angry.
Cal Weaver: That's not the point. When we were first married, you were the only woman that I had ever slept with. And now I have had sex with nine different women. God!
Emily Weaver: Nine!
Cal Weaver: That...
Emily Weaver: Nine! Wow! You showed me!
Cal Weaver: I wasn't trying to show you. I was trying to move on. But I don't want to. You've always been the only one.
[suddenly we see all the parents along with Kate who've been listening to their argument]
Kate: Tell her she's the perfect combination of sexy and cute, asshole!
Emily Weaver: You said that to her?
Cal Weaver: I did, yes.
Emily Weaver: Who are you?
[Emily walks off and gets into her car]
Cal Weaver: I'm your soul mate.
[as Emily drives off it starts to rain]
Cal Weaver: What a cliche.



[celebrating Hannah passing her bar exam, Richard makes a toast]
Richard: Now Hannah, I uh...I did tell you that tonight would be a special night, if you pass the bar. So Hannah, I would like to formally ask you, in front of all our friends and colleagues, if you would like to become a permanent lawyer at the firm of Watkin, Goldberg and Schmidt? How about that? To you?Crazy Stupid Love Quotes
[everyone claps whilst Hannah looks disappointed thinking that he was going to propose to her]
Richard: What?
Hannah: I jus...um...
Richard: Well, what is it?
Hannah: I thought that you were gonna propose, for some reason.
Richard: What?
Hannah: Yeah, I know. I'm just...it...it's just I'm a little thrown.
Richard: I'm sorry. I...I didn't realize that you thought, that we were there.
Hannah: Oh, no! God, no! Don't be silly. I just...I'm um...
Richard: I need some time, I think, to figure out how I feel about us. You know? Long term.
Hannah: You need some time? You need some time to figure out how you feel about us?



[to Richard after flipping out at the fact that he has to think about their relationship]
Hannah: Wow! You know what? Thank you, Richard. Honestly, thank you very much for your job offer. I will consider it.
[she storms out of the restaurant]



[after storming out into the rain from her celebration party Hannah goes back to where she met Jacob, she finds him and kisses him passionately]
Hannah: Do you remember me?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Hannah: Still find me attractive?
Jacob Palmer: Yes.
Hannah: Still wanna take me home?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
[she kisses him again]
Hannah: Let's go.
Crazy Stupid Love Quotes



[at Jacobs house after leaving the bar with him]
Hannah: So, is this how it normally works?
Jacob Palmer: What?
Hannah: You know, you like put on the perfect song and you make them a drink. And then you sleep together.
Jacob Palmer: Um...yeah.
Hannah: I'm very nervous.
Jacob Palmer: I'm getting that.
Hannah: Okay. Cause I know I seemed confident back at the bar, but that was um...that was mostly just because I was cold and wet and trying to be dramatic, a little bit.
Jacob Palmer: You're adorable.
Hannah: No! I am sexy. I am R rated sexy. Okay, I know what happens in the PG thirteen version of tonight. Alright, I know. It's that I get...I get really drunk and I pass out and you cover me with a blanket and you kiss me on the cheek and nothing happens. But that's not why I'm here. I am here to bang the hot guy that hit on me at the bar.
Jacob Palmer: Jacob.
Hannah: Jacob.
Jacob Palmer: Are people still saying bang?
Hannah: Oh, I do. We're gonna bang! Hmm? This is happening.



Hannah: Take off your shirt.
Jacob Palmer: Why?
Hannah: Please, can you take off your shirt? Cause I can't stop thinking. I need you to just...
Jacob Palmer: Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay!
Hannah: Alright!
[he takes off his shirt and just stands in front of her awkwardly]
Hannah: Fuck! Seriously? It's like you're photoshopped! Can I...
[she walks towards him and touches his stomach]
Jacob Palmer: You have cold hands. And I need you take off your dress.
Hannah: No!
Jacob Palmer: Yes.
Hannah: No way! Not with all that goin' on. No, thank you! Is there a dim lighting somewhere? Oh, God!



Hannah: Okay, so then what do we do? What happens now, like logistically? What's your move?
Jacob Palmer: What do you mean, what's my move?
Hannah: What's your move? What's your big move?
Jacob Palmer: I got lots of moves.
Hannah: What's your big move?
Jacob Palmer: I'm not telling you my big move.
Hannah: Telling me your move!
Jacob Palmer: You're not ready for the big move.
Hannah: Yes, I am! I want your big move!
Jacob Palmer: You can't handle the big move, trust me.
Hannah: Tell me your big move!
Jacob Palmer: I work Dirty Dancing into the conversation.
Hannah: Dirty Dancing?
Jacob Palmer: Can I sit down, please?
Hannah: Yeah.
Jacob Palmer: Can I put back on my shirt?
Hannah: No.



Hannah: Why Dirty Dancing? What do we do? Do we watch it?
Jacob Palmer: You know the big move at the end of Dirty Dancing, where Patrick Swayze picks up Jeniffer Grey?
Hannah: Yeah.
Jacob Palmer: I can do that.
Hannah: Okay.
Jacob Palmer: So I tell girls I can do the move. I put on the song, Time of your Life, I do the big move and they always wanna have sex with me.
Hannah: [laughing] Oh, my God! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Jacob Palmer: I agree. But it works every time.
Hannah: That would not work on me!



[with the song Time of your Life playing, Jacob tries to re-enact the Dirty Dance scene with Hannah]
Hannah: Oh, God! This is ridiculous! I don't wanna do it.
Jacob Palmer: Come on.
Hannah: This is beyond ridiculous.
Jacob Palmer: Come on and jump.
Hannah: No.
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Hannah: No, thank you.
Jacob Palmer: Come on.
Hannah: Thank God I'm drunk. Here we go!
[she runs and jumps into Jacobs arms where he catches her like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing and then brings her down gently]
Hannah: So, do you prefer to do it here or in the bedroom?
Jacob Palmer: The bedroom is preferred.
Hannah: Mmhmm. Yeah, okay. Let's go there.



[as they are kissing on Jacob's bed]
Hannah: This pillow forms perfectly to the shape of my head.
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
[Jacob continues to kiss her but she pulls back again]
Hannah: Is this one of those foam pillows from Brookstone?
[Jacob gets frustrated with her and sighs]
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Hannah: Yeah? I always wondered who actually buys them! The hot guy from the bar buys them! Of course!
Jacob Palmer: Jacob.
Hannah: Mmhmm. Jacob. Sorry for that.
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Hannah: I'm sorry, continue.
[Jacob resumes kissing her]



[as Jacob resumes to kiss her Hannah pulls back again]
Hannah: You don't have one of those ridiculous um...those massage chairs, do you?
[Jacob hesitates in answering]
Hannah: [laughing] You do?
Jacob Palmer: No.
Hannah: Yes, you do!
Jacob Palmer: Yeah, I do.
[Hannah laughs hard]
Hannah: Oh, my God!
Jacob Palmer: I don't! I don't! I do! Who'd have that? I would! I have that.
Hannah: How much was it?
Jacob Palmer: Five thousand dollars
[this makes Hannah laugh even harder]
Jacob Palmer: Ask me how many times I've used it?
Hannah: How many times have you used it?
Jacob Palmer: Twice.
[laughing harder]
Hannah: That's twenty five hundred dollars a message.
Jacob Palmer: Twice!
Hannah: Where is it?
Jacob Palmer: It's in the garage.
Hannah: Can I sit in the message chair?
[next shot is of Hannah sitting in the massage chair in Jacob garage]
Hannah: I hate it!



Jacob Palmer: The Home Shopping Network, I mean I'm addi...I buy...I buy...I'm just the worst!
Hannah: Do you have a Slap Jack
Jacob Palmer: Yes!Crazy Stupid Love Quotes
Hannah: Do you have the knife that cuts through the penny?
Jacob Palmer: Yes!
[Hannah laughs hard]
Hannah: What else do you have?
Jacob Palmer: Coin Bears.
Hannah: Coin Bears?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Hannah: You don't have Coin Bear?
Jacob Palmer: I have a whole set of Coin Bears from each date.
Hannah: You have fifty Coin Bears?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah, they all have a rare coin in their foot.
Hannah: You stay up nights?
Jacob Palmer: I am wildly unhappy
[they both laugh]
Jacob Palmer: I'm trying to buy it and it's not working.



[after they've been talking and laughing for hours lying in Jacobs bed and drinking]
Jacob Palmer: Could you do me a favor?
Hannah: What?
Jacob Palmer: Will you do me a kindness?
Hannah: Mmm.
Jacob Palmer: Will you ask me something personal about myself?
Hannah: Mmm. Okay, fine. I'll do it. And then we bang?
Jacob Palmer: Yes!
Hannah: What's your mother like?
Jacob Palmer: My mom, is very beautiful. Um...very vain, very smart, cold.
Hannah: And your dad?
Jacob Palmer: Um...he died a long time ago. He was such a sweet guy, he was probably too sweet. Very successful in business. He left me a lot of money, which is why I have all this stuff. But he was soft. Just too soft, too...too sensitive and uh...you know he couldn't really handle my mother.
[they continue talking for hours, Jacob finally falls asleep and Hannah pulls the cover over them and kisses Jacob and falls asleep next to him]



[not seeing Jacob at their usual bar Cal leaves a voice message for Jacob]
Cal Weaver: Hey, Jacob, it's Cal. Where are ya? Remember that first woman I picked up? That teacher? Well, I have a story to tell you. Call me.



[Cal leaves another voice message for Jacob]
Cal Weaver: Hey, it's been a week I haven't heard from you. Should I be concerned? I am imagining you suffocating under a pile of women.



[Cal leaves another voice message for Jacob]
Cal Weaver: Hey, it's me again. I've left like a hundred messages. Listen, if this is a Miyagi thing, I'm not getting it! So, call me back, please. Thanks.



[on a date having dinner]
Emily Weaver: I was going to be a ballerina.
David Lindhagen: Really? So tell me, what is it with women and ballerina's?
Emily Weaver: I just pictured myself in the ballet. You know, I mean it's not like I had a lot of training or anything, you know. You know, I actually never really had a lesson and um...haven't... haven't seen a ballet.
David Lindhagen: You've never been to the ballet?
[shakes her head]
Emily Weaver: Mm-mm.
David Lindhagen: Wow! I would love to take you to the ballet.
Emily Weaver: You'd love to go to the ballet?
David Lindhagen: No! No! I didn't say that. I said, I'd love to take you to the ballet. I'd just drop you off and then later on I'd pick you up and we could go to a ball game or somethin'.
[Emily laughs getting the joke]
Emily Weaver: Oh, I get it!



[walking Emily back to her house at the end of their date]
David Lindhagen: Hey, you like sushi? Cause I know this really great sushi place...
Emily Weaver: I don't eat sushi.
David Lindhagen: ...that we're never gonna go to, because I hate sushi.
[Emily laughs]



[Jacob calls Cal while at a liquor store with Hannah]
Jacob Palmer: Cal? Jacob.
Cal Weaver: Oh, my God! It's alive!
Jacob Palmer: Hey, sorry I kinda dropped off the grid there, pal.
Cal Weaver: You left me in my hour of need my friend.
Jacob Palmer: Yeah. Well, I'm...I'm in a bit of situation. A pickle, if you will. I just...I got no one else to call. I met a girl.
Cal Weaver: [sarcastically] Oh, really?
Jacob Palmer: I'm spending all this time with her and she is a game changer.
[Hannah waves at Jacob and he waves back at her]
Cal Weaver: She's a game changer? No way!
Jacob Palmer: So much so, I'm going to meet her mother right now.
Cal Weaver: A mother and a daughter, that's very Will Chamberlinesque, even for you.
Jacob Palmer: What is the matter with you? I don't know what to do! I need some advice.
Cal Weaver: You realize you might actually have to answer some personal questions about yourself. You gotta smile a lot, you gotta be charming, definitely don't be yourself.
Jacob Palmer: That's what you got for me? Don't be myself. Great.
[Cal laughs]
Jacob Palmer: Thanks for nothing. Do you wanna...
[Hannah comes over and touches his face]
Jacob Palmer: Do you wanna get a beer, next week?
Cal Weaver: You have my number. And you know, don't worry about tonight. You'll be fine. Good for you, by the way.
Jacob Palmer: See you, buddy.



[as Cal is surprising Emily at home when we see Hannah arrive with Jacob behind her]
Jacob Palmer: Cal?
Cal Weaver: What are you doing here?
Jacob Palmer: What are you doing here?
Hannah: Wait, you guys know each other?
Cal Weaver: What's goin' on?
Jacob Palmer: What are you doin' here?
Robbie Weaver: Hi, Nanna.
Hannah: Hi, Robbie.
Crazy Stupid Love Quotes



[Emily still blindfolded for Cal's surprise]
Emily Weaver: Jacob, it's so nice to meet you. I've heard so many wonderful things about you from Nanna.
Jacob Palmer: I'm sorry, what's a Nanna?
Hannah: I'm a Nanna. You know, I couldn't say Hannah when I was little. How do you know my dad?
[Jacob looks shocked realizing for the first time that Hannah is Cal's daughter]
Emily Weaver: She couldn't say her H's at all.
Cal Weaver: Okay, I'm having trouble understanding what's going on here, right now.
Hannah: Dad, this is uh...this is Jacob. My boyfriend.
Cal Weaver: No, it's not.
Hannah: I'm just bringing him over to meet mom.
Cal Weaver: No! No! No! No!
Jacob Palmer: I can't breath.
Emily Weaver: I wanna see the boyfriend, please! Can I take this off, now?



Jacob Palmer: Cal, what are you do...what are you doing with a daughter that's grown up?
Cal Weaver: I was seventeen, that's why we had to get married so young.
Jacob Palmer: That is something you should have told me.
Cal Weaver: You never wanted me to talk about my children!
Molly Weaver: Um...I'm gonna go watch TV now.
Cal Weaver: Yeah, that's fine, honey. Why don't you go do that?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah, can I come?
Molly Weaver: No!



Cal Weaver: Let me get this straight. So you guys are a thing, you guys are a couple, right? You guys are together?
Hannah: Yeah! Yes.
Cal Weaver: No way! Break up, right now!
Hannah: Daddy?
[to Hannah]
Jacob Palmer: Please don't call him that.
[turns to Cal]
Jacob Palmer: Cal, that's not gonna happen.
Cal Weaver: Then I will mess you up!
Hannah: Dad!
Emily Weaver: Cal!
Jacob Palmer: Cal!
[at that moment Robbie sees Jessica and her Dad storming into their garden to beat up Cal]
Robbie Weaver: Jessica!
Cal Weaver: Bernie!



[after Bernie's punched Cal and he's taken the miniature golf set apart in rage and is about to throw it at Cal]
Jessica: Daddy! Daddy! He doesn't even know that I'm in love with him!
Robbie Weaver: With who?
[pointing to Cal]
Jessica: With him!
Cal Weaver: Are you pointing at me?
Robbie Weaver: Are you pointing at him?
Emily Weaver: She's pointing at him? Oh!
Robbie Weaver: Wait! My dad is the older guy you've been seeing?
Bernie Riley: Oh, I knew it! You...
[in anger he goes to throw the golf set again]
Jessica: Oh, no! No! He doesn't even know about the naked photo's!
Cal Weaver: What?!
Emily Weaver: Jessica!
Robbie Weaver: You made him naked photo's! Seriously?
Bernie Riley: I'm gonna beat you until your brains fall out!
Cal Weaver: Time out! Time out! Hold on! Hold on!
Robbie Weaver: But, I love her!
Cal Weaver: Jessica's the one you're in love with?



[David appears in the middle of the fight and revelation of Jessica being in love with Cal]
David Lindhagen: Excuse me, Emily? You left your sweater in my car the other night.
Emily Weaver: Oh!
Hannah: Who are you?
David Lindhagen: I'm David Lindhagen.
Jacob Palmer: David Lindhagen.
Cal Weaver: David Lindhagen.
[Jacob takes off hi ring and walks over to David]
Jacob Palmer: Okay.
David Lindhagen: Is this a bad time?
Emily Weaver: Yeah.
[suddenly Jacob punches David in the face]
Hannah: Jacob!
Jacob Palmer: You know how much pain and suffering you caused my friend, you dumb son of a...?
[before Jacob can finishes Cal grabs hold of Jacob]
Cal Weaver: Stay the hell away from my daughter!
Emily Weaver: Cal!
[at the same time Bernie grabs hold of Cal who's holding Jacob]
Bernie Riley: You stay away from my daughter!
[suddenly David jumps in and grabs hold of Jacob]
David Lindhagen: I don't even know you!
[they are all now tangled together fighting each other]
Jacob Palmer: Oh, my God! What are you grabbing?!



[police have been called in after their big fight and Cal, Jacob, Bernie and David are sat side by side]
Police Officer #1: So, okay, wait. Which one of you is Lindhaygen?
Crazy Stupid Love Quotes Bernie, Jacob, David: Hagen.
[Bernie and Jacob point to David]
Police Officer #1: I'm just gonna write domestic disturbance all clear, okay?
Emily Weaver: Thank you, Officer.
Police Officer #1: Just simmer down, okay? We all have arguments but if you're gonna fight, just do it inside. Keep it in the family, okay?
[Jacob tries to hold down laughing]
Cal Weaver: I will kill you.



Jacob Palmer: Cal, come on.
[ignoring Jacob and turns to Hannah]
Cal Weaver: Honey, this guy is a low life. He is a womanizer...
Emily Weaver: That's ironic.
Cal Weaver: Excuse me?! I know him, I have witnessed him in action. And you are not to see him anymore.
Hannah: Dad, I'm not gonna stop seeing him.
Cal Weaver: Okay, Okay. Well, then we have nothing more to talk about.
Emily Weaver: Cal, you're being unreasonable.
[to Hannah]
Cal Weaver: Get the hell out of my house!
Emily Weaver: This is not your house anymore!
Cal Weaver: Yeah! Well, you made damn sure of that, didn't you, sweetheart?
[Hannah turns and leaves with Jacob]
Molly Weaver: Bye, Nanna.
Hannah: Bye, cutie.
[referring to Emily]
Cal Weaver: She's all yours, David.
David Lindhagen: Fantastic.



[as he's leaving the house Cal stops in front of Robbie who looks coldly at him]
Cal Weaver: Go big or go home, right, bud?
Robbie Weaver: Go home, dad.



[Cal dressed in a sweatsuit, is sitting alone drinking at his usual bar]
Female Bartender: Can I get you another?
Cal Weaver: What time is it?
Female Bartender: Two thirty. In the afternoon.
Cal Weaver: Two thirty would have been sufficient, but thank you for the judgmental tone, cocktail servant.
[the waitress turns and leaves him]
Cal Weaver: I'm sor...I'm sorry for being a dick.



[Cal is sat alone at the bar when Jacob approaches him]
Jacob Palmer: Nice sweatsuit.
Cal Weaver: What do you want?
Jacob Palmer: Uh...could I sit down?
Cal Weaver: I don't know, can you?
Jacob Palmer: Are we gonna...be adults about this, or we gonna...
[Cal mimics Jacob]
Cal Weaver: 'Are we gonna be adults about this?'
[Jacob sits next to Cal]
Jacob Palmer: It would mean a lot to me if we could talk.
Cal Weaver: Are you still seeing my daughter?
Jacob Palmer: Yes.
Cal Weaver: Then I have nothing to say to you.



[referring to the bar]
Jacob Palmer: You been hanging out here a lot?
Cal Weaver: Sometimes.
Jacob Palmer: You missing a lot of work?
Cal Weaver: I have a lot of vacation days. You know what? You have a lot of nerve.
[the female bartender that he'd just insulted comes over and delivers Cal's drink]
Jacob Palmer: Do you wanna do your shot?
Cal Weaver: No, she probably spit in it. So, no, thank you.



Jacob Palmer: Your kids miss you, Cal.
Cal Weaver: You're hanging out with my kids. That's great. You can teach Robbie how to
objectify women, he'll love that.
Jacob Palmer: You know, it's his uh...eighth grade graduation next week. You gonna go to that?
Cal Weaver: Of course I'm going.
Jacob Palmer: I just didn't know. You haven't been really around, so I just...I don't think he knows either.
Cal Weaver: I haven't been around for him?
Jacob Palmer: No.
Cal Weaver: That's you telling me? Well, you know what? He's not my biggest fan right now, he thinks I stole his soul mate.
Jacob Palmer: He worships the ground...
Cal Weaver: Okay, is the parental advice over? Because if so...



[referring to Hannah]
Jacob Palmer: I'm in love with her. I lover her. I don't know what I was doing before this, and I don't know what to do about it. It's not something I can really stop.
Cal Weaver: Yeah?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Cal Weaver: You lover her? You love Hannah?
Jacob Palmer: Yes.
Cal Weaver: Tell me about it. Tell me how much you love her.
Jacob Palmer: I'm just...look, Cal, this is not something that I wanted, okay? It's not something...I saw people who are in love and I thought they way that they were behaving and things that they were doing and saying, they just...they appeared pathetic. Honestly. And I spent all this time with you and I'm trying to make you more like me, and it turns out I just wanna be...
[he doesn't finish his sentence]
Jacob Palmer: I'm...I need a drink! You gonna make me do this? Okay, Really do this?



Cal Weaver: I had Hannah when I was seventeen. I taught her how to ride a bike. I taught her how to drive a car. And I'm glad for you, I'm happy for you, that you've changed. I think it's fantastic that you're a better man. But I've seen too much already. I know, I know...
Jacob Palmer: No, I know
Cal Weaver: I know too much.
Jacob Palmer: I know. I know.
Cal Weaver: And it's Hannah, and she's too good for you.
Jacob Palmer: I agree.
Cal Weaver: I'm never gonna give you my approval.
Jacob Palmer: You're a good dad, Cal.
[Jacob stands and leaves the bar Cal takes a sip of his shot]
Cal Weaver: [to himself] Yep. Yep. She spit. She spit in that.



[at Robbie graduation, he takes the stand to make his graduation speech]
Robbie Weaver: Welcome, class of 2011. Our time as middle schoolers has come to an end. We can't fight it anymore, we're getting old
[there's mumbling of laughter from the crowd]
Robbie Weaver: All my life I wanted to grow up. I wanted to appear older, so people would take me seriously. It all sounded so good to me. Growing up, getting a job, getting married, but it's all a scam. And love, that's the biggest scam of all. I was in love, and I...I know that makes some of you laugh, cause I'm only thirteen. But, whatever, I was. And I used to think, I really believed that there was one true love for everyone and if you fought hard enough for that person, your one true love would always work out. It sounded good to me when I younger, but it just doesn't work that way. There is no such thing as one true love.
suddenly Cal stands up from his place in the audience
Cal Weaver: Stop!
[everyone in the crowd turns and looks at Cal]
Cal Weaver: Shit!



[after interrupting Robbie's speech Cal faces the crowd and looks at the panel of teachers and notices Kate discreetly giving him the finger]
Cal Weaver: Well, here's the thing. My son's graduation speech sucks. That's not a joke. In fairness, I didn't know where he was going with that, but I think we can all agree it was headed in the kind of depressing um...way. My son, not him, my actual son believes in grandCrazy Stupid Love Quotes romantic gestures. He believes in the existence of one soul mate. And it's easy to just look at a thirteen year old and say; 'You don't know what you're talking about. You are wrong.' But I'm not so sure. I met my soul mate when I was fifteen years old. We went out for ice cream. After my dad started teasing me about my first date, the way dads do, and I told him; 'Dad, it's no big deal. I'm gonna be going out with a lot of different girls on a lot of different dates.' And that is the first time that I ever lied to my father. I met my soul mate when I was fifteen years old and I've loved her every minute, every day since I first bought her that mint chocolate chip cone. I have loved her through the birth of our three perfect children. I have loved her, even when I've hated her. You married couples will understand that one. And I don't know if it's gonna work out, I don't know what' gonna happen.
[turns to Robbie]
Cal Weaver: I'm sorry, Robbie. I can't give you that. But I can promise you this, I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one, you never give up.



[after he's finished his speech to the crowd of parent he turns to Robbie]
Cal Weaver: Do you have anything you'd like to say?
[Robbie grabs the microphone]
Robbie Weaver: I still love you, Jessica!
[the crowd laughs and cheers, Cal walks up next to Robbie and grabs the microphone]
Cal Weaver: And I love you, Emily!
Robbie Weaver: I've loved you ever since the first time you changed my sister’s diaper! I've loved you even when you came to my bedroom unannounced and I was under the covers...
[sat in the crowd Emily realizes what he's about to say]
Emily Weaver: Stop him!
[Cal grabs the microphone from Robbie to try and stop him ending his sentence]
Cal Weaver: No! No! No!
[sat in the crowd Jessica's mom turns to an embarrassed Jessica]
Claire Riley: What's he talking about?
Robbie Weaver: I'm still not ashamed of it.
Cal Weaver: Good. Good.
[the crowd cheers as Cal escorts Robbie off the stand]



[as Robbie's graduation ceremony is over Cal walks up to Hannah]
Cal Weaver: There she is, the perfect girl.
[they hug and Cal turns to Jacob]
Cal Weaver: So I bought a fire arm from a shady internet site and I am prepared to shoot you in the face with it. Come here?
[a nervous looking Jacob walks up to Cal who holds out his hand which Jacob takes to shake]
Cal Weaver: Take care of her.
[he slaps Jacob in the face]
Hannah: This is gonna be fun.
Cal Weaver: This is gonna be fun.
[Cal slaps Jacob in the face again]



[after graduation ceremony Robbie spots Jessica and walks up to her]
Robbie Weaver: I'm really glad you came.
Jessica: So am I.
Robbie Weaver: You were a really good babysitter, Jessica. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
[he hold out his hand for her to shake]
Jessica: I thought you weren't givin' up?
Robbie Weaver: I'm not. And I just figure, you like my dad, and in a few years I'll look like him. I'll come for you then.
Jessica: That's not a bad plan. But, well until then, just a little graduation gift to get you through high school.
[she gives him an envelope]
Robbie Weaver: Thanks.
[Robbie opens it and sees that it's the naked photos of herself that she was going to send Cal]
Robbie Weaver: [shocked] So...can...you...why...?
Jessica: Take care, Robbie.
[she kisses him on the cheek and Robbie watches her as she walks off]
Robbie Weaver: Holy crap!



[as they watch Robbie]
Cal Weaver: He looks pretty happy.
Emily Weaver: Yeah. God, I hate that haircut though.
Cal Weaver: I know. Like a sheep dog.



[last lines]
Emily Weaver: It's been a really hard year.
Cal Weaver: How so?
[they both laugh]
Cal Weaver: Yeah, there were a couple of blips I guess. I know.
Emily Weaver: I guess, I just...no. Really what I...what I wanna say is that I'm...I'm so glad you bought me that ice cream.
Cal Weaver: Me too.
[she smiles with tears in her eyes, Robbie watches them from afar enjoying one another's company]
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