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Quotes (Page 2)
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[at the cashier counter getting money wired to Ethan's account]Lonnie: Here we go. Five hundred dollars. Ethan Tremblay. I just need to see an ID.
[Ethan passes his ID papers]
Ethan Tremblay: There you go.
[looks at Ethan's ID card]
Lonnie: Yeah, this doesn't say Tremblay. It says Ethan Chase.
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, jeepers creepers. He's right, he's right.
Peter Highman: What do you mean he's right?
Ethan Tremblay: Ethan Tremblay is my stage name.
[looks at Lonnie]
Ethan Tremblay: I'm an actor.
Peter Highman: Stage name?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah.
Peter Highman: What's your real name?
Ethan Tremblay: Ethan Chase. But it doesn't sound like an actor's name.
Peter Highman: Ethan Chase sounds like the name of an actor. Ethan Tremblay doesn't make any God damn sense. Okay, it's confusing, it sounds like it was made up.
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, I made it up.
Peter Highman: Ethan, I know you made it up. It's your fucking stage name. Why did you have my wife wire money to your stage name?
Ethan Tremblay: I wasn't thinking.
Peter Highman: Right.
Ethan Tremblay: I'm just trying to commit to the new name.
[Ethan shows one of his acting photo head shot as another proof of ID for his stage name]
Lonnie: What the fuck is this?
Peter Highman: That's uh...
Ethan Tremblay: An ID.
Peter Highman: It's a photo ID.
Lonnie: I can't accept this either.
Ethan Tremblay: Why?
Lonnie: Why? Because, it's a picture of yourself. Anyone can take a picture in a beautiful turtle neck with their hands crossed and whatever name they want.
Peter Highman: But why go to all that trouble just for five hundred bucks?
Lonnie: I don't know why you would, but you could.
Peter Highman: So now I get to call my pregnant wife and have her drive all the way back to Western Union to start this whole process all over again, send it to the correct name and we'll be good.
Lonnie: Absolutely, right. But we'll have to do that
tomorrow, because we close in five minutes.Peter Highman: It's six-thirty-five, sir.
Lonnie: What are you, my fucking boss? You make the hours here? I say we close, close in five minutes. I got reservation at Chili's, I'm meetin' my boys.
Peter Highman: You have a reservation at Chili's?
Lonnie: Mmhmm.
Ethan Tremblay: That's actually smart. I mean it gets busy on a Wednesday night.
[Peter give Lonnie a long silent stare]
Lonnie: What, are you gonna stare at me?
Peter Highman: Why don't you do your fucking job until your shift is over, hillbilly?
Lonnie: Yeah, keep dreamin' fagot. There's no way in hell.
Ethan Tremblay: I...I'm sorry about my friend. We really just need the money to get to Los Angeles, so he can be there for the birth of his first child.
Lonnie: Well, that's such a sweet story. You know where I was when my daughter was born?
Peter Highman: Chili's?
Lonnie: Iraq. How about I call my staff sergeant in Fallujah and tell him your little sob story, see what he thinks, huh?
Ethan Tremblay: Well, that means...aren't you closing? Isn't this gonna take long time?
Peter Highman: He's being sarcastic, Ethan. And also letting us know that he's a battled hardened veteran, who probably did some half-assed tour and talks about it all the time.
Ethan Tremblay: How dare you!
[he spits at Peter which lands on counter window]
Peter Highman: Smooth move, vet.
Ethan Tremblay: You are sick!
Lonnie: You fucked up, big time.
[Lonnie pulls his chair down and leaves his counter]
Peter Highman: I fucked up?
Ethan Tremblay: Yep.
Peter Highman: I fucked up big time? You spit on your own window.
[Lonnie comes out from behind the counter, he's in a wheelchair]
Lonnie: Hey, sport? What were you sayin' about my half-assed tour of duty?
Peter Highman: I'm sorry. I...I had no idea.
Lonnie: No idea what? That I'm handicapable?
Peter Highman: You're handicapable. That's great.
Lonnie: How could you know?
Peter Highman: I couldn't know and I didn't and I'm sorry. Can I tell you somethin'? Honestly, it...it's my fault. I'm...I'm just having a bad day.
Lonnie: You had a bad day?
Peter Highman: Yeah.
Lonnie: It's about to get to get a whole lot worse.
[he pulls out a metal stick]
Peter Highman: Okay, you wanna put that away...
[he starts to beat up Peter and then Ethan]
Peter Highman: Why you have a stage name is beyond me. You're not even really an actor.
Ethan Tremblay: What does that mean, really an actor? What is a real actor?
Peter Highman: A real actor is someone who can really act.
Ethan Tremblay: Well go ahead then, give me an action, give me a scene.
Peter Highman: I'm not gonna...no, I don't want to.
Ethan Tremblay: You should.
Peter Highman: Okay. I'm Julia Roberts...uh, you have terminal cancer, we're engaged. Break the news to me.
Ethan Tremblay: Julia Roberts, as you know we're engaged. I have terminal cancer.
[Peter stares at Ethan]
Peter Highman: Awful.
Ethan Tremblay: What?
Peter Highman: Sorry, that's my feedback.
Ethan Tremblay: I thought that was really good.
Peter Highman: Nope.
Peter Highman: I'll give you one more shot. Uh...it' super bowl Sunday. You're a coach with a spotty career, you're down thirty one points, you bust into the locker room and you fire your guys up. All or nothing! Action.
Ethan Tremblay: That's stupid, that would never be in a movie.
[Ethan walks out of the bathroom]
Peter Highman: It's in a movie every two years. Every two years.
[laughs to himself. Ethan comes back into the bathroom and starts acting out the scene]
Ethan Tremblay: Okay guys, we need to get out there. Really need to get going. Paul what are you doing? You acted like a girl out there! What are you a girl or somethin'? Jackson, come on man! You gotta get yourself together, this is...what are you a girl or somethin?
Peter Highman: Let's up the stakes. Your wife calls, she wants a divorce.
Ethan Tremblay: The coach's wife?
Peter Highman: The coach you're playing, his wife calls, she wants a divorce. Ring, ring.
[acting out the scene, Ethan speaks into his cell phone]
Ethan Tremblay: Hello.
[he listens to his pretend call for a few seconds]
Ethan Tremblay: Hey fellas, this gonna be a minute. It's my wife, she wants a divorce.
[he starts talking into his cell phone again]
Ethan Tremblay: Hi, sweet heart. What's that? No, don't. This is not a good time.
[he begins to cry]
Ethan Tremblay: Where's your dad?
Peter Highman: Uh...no idea.
Ethan Tremblay: When's the last time you saw him?
Ethan Tremblay: Ooh! Ouch!
Peter Highman: Yep. Came into my room and said; 'Petey, I got an important job for you. You need to wake me up five thirty tomorrow morning.' And I was ecstatics, because he never asked me to do anything. I didn't even know if I existed in his eyes. So, this was a big deal. I was so excited I set the alarm clock, I could barely sleep. I just watch it all night, it went off at five thirty. I snuck into his room, I gingerly wake him up. He smiled at me, first time I ever saw him...uh...smile. But he had his bags packed right at the front door, he picked them up put them in the back of his car and uh, drove away. Last time I ever saw him.
[Ethan starts to laugh]
Ethan Tremblay: That is so funny!
[he keeps on laughing]
Ethan Tremblay: Oh my gosh! My dad would never do that, he loved me
[Peter's trying to sleep, with Ethan sat next to him in the car]
Peter Highman: What's that sound?
Ethan Tremblay: What sound?
Peter Highman: Mmm, it stopped.
[the faint tapping sound starts again]
Peter Highman: Okay, it's back.
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, that's me. I'm just masturbating.
Peter Highman: What? Why?
Ethan Tremblay: This is how I go to sleep.
Peter Highman: Oh, don't, don't, don't. Don't, don't, don't! Come on, man. I'm right here next to you.
Ethan Tremblay: Shut your eyes, Peter.
Peter Highman: They're closed. The sound!
Ethan Tremblay: Just bare with me.
Peter Highman: How long is this gonna take?
Ethan Tremblay: Well, if you keep interrupting me it will take a little bit longer. But usually it just takes about thirty five minutes.
Peter Highman: Is that all?
[after leaving Ethan and taking the car, Peter finds the coffee can with the ashes of Ethan's father, he stops the car, gets out and goes to throw the can but stops]
Peter Highman: Okay. Uh...we are gathered here in the presence of the lord and all things holy to celebrate the passing of one mister, I don't remember his fucking name! Chase or aka Tremblay. May he forever reside and dwell in the sun light of the spirit. Amen.
[he turns to leave but turns around again]
Peter Highman: You know, I just wanna offer an explanation, sir, as to why you wound up on the side of state 20. It's not your fault, it's your kid. He's an incredibly difficult person to travel with. In fact I don't know how or why you didn't just strangle him in the fucking crib.
[Peter drives back and sees Ethan sitting on his suitcase]
Peter Highman: Hey, buddy.
Ethan Tremblay: Forget something?
Peter Highman: No, I got uh...I got coffee, dunkin' donuts.
Ethan Tremblay: I thought maybe you left me.
Peter Highman: No, I just...I pick up breakfast so that we could eat up on the road and make up time.
Ethan Tremblay: Why'd you leave my stuff out here?
Peter Highman: Cause it's your property.
[Ethan thinks about this for a few seconds]
Ethan Tremblay: It makes sense.
[referring to his father]
Ethan Tremblay: Nothin' he loved more than jazz music and womens titties
[Peter reclines the car seat back so that he can sleep]
Ethan Tremblay: Did I snore last night?
Peter Highman: Mmmhmm.
Ethan Tremblay: Sorry. I'm a deep sleeper, it's a condition. You know when they say; 'I think I can sleep through and earthquake.' Well, I've actually slept through an earthquake. I also fell asleep through a job interview at Made for America.
Peter Highman: I didn't sleep last night. I'm gonna try now.
Ethan Tremblay: Well, you really should have masturbated. Cause I had a glorious orgasm and I slept like a baby.
[Peter walks out of the hospital after Ethan has crashed the car from falling asleep]
Peter Highman: Stay away from me.
Ethan Tremblay: Jeez Louise! Are you okay?
Peter Highman: Am I okay?! Do I look okay, huh? I have a broken arm, I have three cracked ribs, I have seven stitches in my fucking arm pit! Does that answer your question? No. Not okay.
Ethan Tremblay: Peter, I'm terribly sorry.
Peter Highman: Are you? Look, Sonny's all banged up, I'm a wreck. You don't have scratch, do you?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, the doctor said I was in such a deep sleep that I didn't tense up. I told you I was a deep sleeper.
Peter Highman: Yeah, you did. Did the doctor say that it's not medically advisable to fall asleep while you're driving?
Ethan Tremblay: I was just trying to rest my eyes for a few seconds. But seriously next time try not to tense up.
[as Peter's friend comes to pick him from the hospital, he stops Ethan from coming with him]
Peter Highman: No not us, just me. We're done and by the way it's been a fucking pleasure. But just so my conscious is clear, let me let you know why you're not coming with us, okay. It's not because you got me kicked off a plane and shot by an Air Marshal. It's not because you stood idly by as I had my ass handed to me by a handicapped mobility. I'm certainly not leaving you here because you almost got me killed during the most important week of my life. I am leaving here for a far more fundamental reason; I despise who you are on a cellular level!
Ethan Tremblay: Okay, I've heard that before and I'm trying to work on it, okay.
Peter
Highman: Now
hear this,
beware, I'm warning you, don't go to Hollywood. The streets are not
paved with gold, they're paved with the carcasses of fucking imbeciles
like you who think they're gonna go there and make it. Pray you avoid
it. Did you get that? That was Shakespeare, heard of him?Ethan Tremblay: Yes, I've heard of him. He's a famous pirate. By the way it's 'Shakesbeard'.
Peter Highman: Let me give you a little bit of friendly advice, nobody who calls themselves Hollywood has ever made it in Hollywood!
Ethan Tremblay: That one I've never heard before.
[as he's about to leave Peter looks at Ethan's dog, Sonny]
Peter Highman: Sonny, you will be sorely missed, you little bat-faced piece of shit!
[he then spits on Sonny]
Ethan Tremblay: [outraged] I have never!
Peter Highman: Well, get used to it.
Ethan Tremblay: In all of my twenty three years!
Peter Highman: First of all, I'm sorry that I spat on Sonny. I have no recollection of that whatsoever. Now, if you're gonna travel with me to Los Angeles I gotta a key couple of guidelines. Number one; if you ask me a single question I'm going to flip out on you, so don't do that. Do you understand?
Ethan Tremblay: Somewhat, yes.
Peter Highman: Number two; if you fall asleep for any reason other than the fact than you're in a bed and it's night time, I will disembowel you. Make sense?
Ethan Tremblay: Somewhat.
Peter Highman: Great. Three; if you're allergic to waffles, don't eat waffles.
Ethan Tremblay: Then don't take me to a waffle house!
[as Peter gives Ethan permission to ride with him and Darryl]
Ethan Tremblay: Hold Sonny.
Peter Highman: Hand me that dog I will rip it in half!
Ethan Tremblay: You better change yourself before you wreck yourself.
Ethan Tremblay: What is going on?
Peter Highman: What are you talking about?
Ethan Tremblay: What's going on? What's with all these stories he has about your wife? They used to date in college?
Peter Highman: It's like twenty years ago.
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, but come on. You don't see it? This guy's been living as a football player, he's handsome, he's charming.
Peter Highman: You don't know what you're talking about.
Ethan Tremblay: He has beautiful hands. Have you seen his hands? I think there's still something going on here.
Ethan Tremblay: You and is wife exchange emails?
Darryl: Yeah.
Ethan Tremblay: What else do you exchange?
Peter Highman: Ethan.
Ethan Tremblay: Body fluids?
Darryl: What is he talkin' about?
Peter Highman: I don't even listen to him.
Ethan Tremblay: Did you ejaculate?
Darryl: What?
Ethan Tremblay: It's when your urine turns white.
Peter Highman: Okay, new rule, you can't say a...fucking word.
[puts his coffee cup down]
Peter Highman: This is horrible, tastes like cat litter.
Ethan Tremblay: I think it tastes delicious.
Darryl: You should. I was all out so I used the coffee that you guys brought.
[as Ethan takes a sip of his coffee he starts to choke]
Peter Highman: Oh, boy! That's his dad. His dad.
Darryl: Fine. I'll buy some new coffee. I apologize.
Peter Highman: No, no, no, no! His dad is the coffee. He passed away and his remains were in the fucking coffee can!
[as Darryl hears this he spits out the coffee from his mouth]
Darryl: [angrily] Get him the fuck out! The beard, the dog. Get him out!
Peter Highman: I get it.
Darryl: Get him out!
Peter Highman: I know. Eight minutes, right?
[after leaving Darryl's place]
Peter Highman: I'm sorry we drank your father.
Ethan Tremblay: That's okay.
Peter Highman: Are you all right? Are you sure?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, there's plenty of him still in here. Darryl, he made three cups of coffee, I think there's about eight cups of my dad left in here.
Peter Highman: Great.
[referring to his dad]
Ethan Tremblay: At least he tasted good.
Peter Highman: Not bad. Yeah, strong. It was uh...full flavored, robust blend.
Ethan Tremblay: He really enjoyed coffee and in the end he was enjoyed as coffee. Circle of life.
Peter Highman: Lion King. All that.
Ethan Tremblay: You think Darryl slept with your wife?
Peter Highman: No.
Ethan Tremblay: I do, I mean why would he lend you this fairy fancy car and give you all that walking around money, it's..?
Peter Highman: Because he's my friend, that's why.
Ethan Tremblay: Have you ever been to the San Diego Zoo?
Peter Highman: I have a question for you. How did those three questions come into your head?
Ethan Tremblay: I was thinking about your wife and Darryl, and Darryl getting your wife pregnant, thinking about what their baby would like and maybe it would look like a zebra baby. And then I thought, well I've never seen a zebra and I thought, well I should maybe go to the San Diego Zoo when we get to California.
Peter Highman: No, I've never been to the zoo. Next question, please.
Peter
Highman:
Unfortunately, I need you to drive. I can't because I'm on vicodin, I'm
not supposed to operate heavy machinery. I will tell you this, if you
blink, if you even look like you might be dozing, let alone fall
asleep, I'm gonna put my hands on you and choke you out with your own
scarf. Wrap that thing around your neck and choke you the fuck out. I
promise.Ethan Tremblay: Seems a bit drastic.
[after Ethan has got them stoned in the car]
Peter Highman: How do you know so much about this?
Ethan Tremblay: I write a fan site for the show. It's not official, but I run a fan site for about six years. Started in an internet cafe, I used to go in there and wash my feet.
Peter Highman: What was the site called?
Ethan Tremblay: It's raining Two and a Half Men dot com.
Peter Highman: Wow! That is sublime. Can I detract every derogatory statement I've ever made about you.
Ethan Tremblay: Thank you, Peter. That's very sweet.
Peter Highman: This looks like a border crossing, it says Mexico.
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, lord! Gosh!
Peter Highman: What?
Ethan Tremblay: I thought that said Texaco. We're low on gas. Okay, we're fine. We're...we're good.
Peter Highman: What are you gonna do? What are you gonna tell 'em?
Ethan Tremblay: All I'm gonna do is go up here and say; look we made a mistake and we're gonna ask to turn around and back to the United States.
Peter Highman: Perfect.
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Total
Quotes: 90
