Due
Date
Quotes: Unevenly Entertaining
(Total Quotes: 90)
Simply put Due Date quotes are unevenly amusing and a tad clichéd. The story is not a classic since the odd couple comedy road trip movie has been done before and better. However, as uneven as the movie is it still does provide some comedic value and a few laugh out loud moments. I would highly recommend not expecting too much from this movie, you might even enjoy it more! Take a look at this collection of Due Date quotes.
Directed by: Todd Phillips
Written by:
Alan R. Cohen (screenplay)
Alan Freedland (screenplay)
Adam Sztykiel (screenplay)
Todd Phillips (screenplay)
Alan R. Cohen (story)
Alan Freedland (story)
Starring:
Robert Downey Jr. - Peter Highman
Zach Galifianakis - Ethan Tremblay / Ethan Chase
Michelle Monaghan - Sarah Highman
Jamie Foxx - Darryl
Juliette Lewis - Heidi
Danny McBride - Lonnie
RZA - Airport Screener
Matt Walsh - TSA Agent
Brody Stevens - Limo Driver
Jakob Ulrich - Patrick
Naiia Ulrich - Alex
Todd Phillips - Barry
Bobby Tisdale - Carl
Sharon Morris - Airport X-Ray
Nathalie Fay - Flight Attendant
Emily Wagner - Flight Attendent
Steven M. Gagnon - Air Marshall
Marco Rodríguez - Federali Agent
Mimi Kennedy - Sarah's Mom
Tymberlee Hill - New Mother
Keegan Michael Key - New Father
Aaron Lustig - Dr. Greene
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Due
Date Quotes
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[first
lines; talking
into the phone through a bluetooth ear piece]Peter Highman: I just had the strangest dream. It's Friday, we're at the hospital, but it's not a hospital, it's a-a...a forest of sorts. And uh...I know that because right next to you there's a bear.
Peter Highman: And all of a sudden you begin to deliver and uh...I can't...I can't get to you. But the bear can. The next thing I know he is holding our beautiful baby boy and here's where it get odd. Uh...he chews the chord, but strangely I'm okay with it. That's gotta be a good sign.
Peter Highman: Theodore. Loved it. But remember that article I told you about? Naming kids after famous people? I just don't want Teddy to think that he's a failure if he doesn't find about his face on Mount Rushmore.
Peter Highman: Uh...Arthur. Ahhh...this was tough cause Arthur it's mythological, round table, the whole deal. but the name game, remember that? The name game? Arthur bo Bart, banana fanna for Fart!
Peter Highman: Uh...brings us to Cassey, this whole next school of names; Casey, Jordan, Dillinger, Taylor, Tyler and probably mostly Skyler, are all names that could also be girls names. I mean why don't we just cut to the chase and call him Cindy.
[after Ethan's friend has crashed into Peter's driver's car]
Ethan Tremblay: You okay? Sorry about my friend, I think he's been drinking.
Peter Highman: You smell a little boozy too. You guy's been drinkin' and drivin' together?
Ethan Tremblay: Well, we...we...we haven't been drinking. We had a split of six pack of forties but...you know what? My father always had a saying; "When a day starts like this it's all uphill from here.
Peter Highman: That's actually incorrect.
Ethan Tremblay: No. He...my dad, he said...
Peter Highman: Uphill? No, it's all downhill from here.
Ethan Tremblay: But everybody wants to be up, nobody wants to be down. So, it's all uphill from here.
Peter Highman: But it's easier as you go downhill. So your dad didn't know what the fuck he was talking about.
[when the airport screener finds drugs Peter's bag]
Airport Screener: You packed your bag yourself, sir?
Peter Highman: Yes, but not that. I've never done drugs in my life. This is absol...this is crazy.
Airport Screener: Maybe you're a drug mule.
Peter Highman: Drug mule? Do I look like a drug mule?
Airport Screener: I don't know. How drug mules look?
Peter Highman: Well, you're the expert.
Airport Screener: What, like me?
Peter Highman: Who said that?
Airport Screener: You're eyes, you're eyes saying 'more like me'...
Peter Highman: Did my face say something?
Airport Screener: ...You're eyes are saying 'more like me'.
Peter Highman: Did my mouth say anything? I don't think you look like a...
[the airport screener keeps tossing the clothes in Peter's bag]
Peter Highman: Do you mind not tossing it up so much?
[airport screener takes a sock out of the bag and smell it]
Airport Screener: Woh! Funky mother fucker, ain't you?
Peter Highman: You are so inappropriate it's crazy.
Airport Screener: Wow, I've been called a lot of things, man. But inappropriate...that's some fucked up shit, yo!
[after Ethan is seated on the plane in the seat behind Peter]
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, you know what? I think we switched our bags at the curb.
Peter Highman: I know we did. Your bag was confiscated. It had paraphernalia in it, marijuana pipe.
Ethan Tremblay: Well, that's a medical apparatus. I have glycoma.
[Peter whispers under his breath sarcastically]
Peter Highman: I'm sure you have glycoma.
[Peter is typing a text message as the flight attendant announces that passengers should switch off their cell phones]
Ethan Tremblay: Hey bud, they made the announcement. You should turn that off.
Peter Highman: Yeah, I got it.
Ethan Tremblay: Okay, just turn it off. You know why?
Peter Highman: I'm gonna turn it off.
Ethan Tremblay: I think they get a little uneasy because they know that terrorists used their cell phones to trigger bombs in their luggage.
[Peter turns around and motions Ethan to be quite]
Peter Highman: It's not a word you'll wanna me saying.
Ethan Tremblay: Which word? Terrorist or bomb?
Peter Highman: Now you said both the words you shouldn't say!
Flight Attendant: Excuse me sir, um...would you and your friend mind stepping to the front of the plane?
Peter Highman: My friend?!
Flight Attendant: I...I'm sorry. I need you to come with me please.
Peter Highman: Well, I...listen. This clown...
[getting up from his seat and pointing to Ethan]
Peter Highman: I've never seen before in my life
Ethan Tremblay: That's not entirely true, we switched bags at the curb side.
Peter Highman: That was an accident and he had...he had...
Air Marshall: Sir. Sir. Federal Air Marshall, please step to the front of the plane.
Peter Highman: What? Why?
Drop the device.
Peter Highman: It's not a device, it's a Blackberry.
[the Air Marshall point a gun at Peter]
Air Marshall: Drop the device, asshole!
Peter Highman: What are you gonna do, rent-a-cop? You gonna shoot me in front of everyone?
[the Air Marshall shoots his gun and Peter falls down unconscious]
Air Marshall: It's okay everyone, he'll be fine. It's only a rubber bullet.
[the passengers start to clap]
Peter Highman: When's the next flight?
Peter Highman: Why's that?
TSA Agent: You're on the no fly list.
Peter Highman: Why?
TSA Agent: It says right here.
[points to the release forms that Peter is signing]
TSA Agent: you and your friend.
Peter Highman: Who?
TSA Agent: The gentleman I just interviewed.
Peter Highman: I've never seen that dip shit before in my life.
TSA Agent: Really?
Peter Highman: Yeah.
TSA Agent: He had nothing but nice things to say about you.
Peter Highman: I have a pregnant wife, I have to get back to Los Angeles. This is a huge misunderstanding. What am I supposed to do?
TSA Agent: Have you ever seen the movie, Forrest Gump?
Peter Highman: Yes.
TSA Agent: Well, he ran across the country and he was pretty stupid. So, I have faith in you. You're free to leave.
[on the phone to Sarah, Peter's just told her that he's been put on the no fly list]
Sarah Highman: What did you do, Peter? Did you snap at somebody?
Peter Highman: No. I did not. I was cool, calm and collected the whole time. I was completely in my rights.
Sarah Highman: You get so carried away sometimes. How are you gonna get home?
Peter Highman: Well, I have a plan and the plan is sorting itself out. But my wallet is traveling.
Ethan Tremblay: Hey, I've been looking all over for you.
Peter Highman: Stay away from me.
[Sarah is listening to their conversation through the phone]
Peter Highman: You're trouble.
Ethan Tremblay: But I found something of yours
Peter Highman: Honey, this...this might all be solved. I'll call you right back.
[Ethan shows up at the airport rent-a-car in a rental car]
Ethan Tremblay: Hey, you want a ride with us?
Peter Highman: No. I...I'm fine. I'm not really a bid dog person.
Ethan Tremblay: Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I tell ya I have a really great personality once you get to know me.
Peter Highman: Yeah, I'm sure you do.
Ethan Tremblay: I got ninety friends on Facebook, twelve of them are pending, but I got ninety friends.
Ethan Tremblay: What's your name?
Peter Highman: Peter.
Ethan Tremblay: My name's Ethan. Ethan Tremblay. And this little guy.
[holds up his dog]
Ethan Tremblay: This little butterball, this is Sonny. And we would be honored to have you ride with us. Come on, it'll be fun.
[Peter goes to open the car door when Ethan suddenly drives away he then reverses back to Peter]
Ethan Tremblay: [laughs] Woo! JK. LOL. HI. Hop in.
[trying to make conversation with Peter during the drive]
Ethan Tremblay: What age did you lose your virginity?
Peter Highman: I'm not gonna discuss that with you.
Ethan Tremblay: I was nine years old.
Peter Highman: [dryly] Boy!
Ethan Tremblay: Great gal. Great gal. Sheila Pimples.
Peter Highman: I'm kinda getting a headache and it's not because of you, it's just I'm under a lot of pressure.
Peter Highman: Ethan, what brought you to Atlanta? Business or pleasure?
Ethan Tremblay: My daddy died. I went to Atlanta to go to his funeral.
Peter Highman: Jee, I didn't know. I'm sorry.
Ethan Tremblay: He was great guy, man. That's why I'm heading out west. He's the one that kinda motivated me to get onto TV.
Peter Highman: TV?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah.
Peter Highman: Tough business to break into. So competitive. I have a friend, he's...he's in that industry.
Ethan Tremblay: Does he work on Two and a Half Men?
Peter Highman: No. He um...
Ethan Tremblay: Well then that's too bad. Because Two and a Half Men is the reason I wanted to become an actor.
Peter Highman: Right.
Ethan Tremblay: Specially the second season.
Ethan Tremblay: It would nice is if we could stop off at the Grand Canyon.
Peter Highman: We're not going to the Grand Canyon. I'll tell you why, that would be easily a hundred and twenty miles off our optimum route.
Ethan Tremblay: That's too bad.
[he looks a coffee can he's holding in his hand]
Ethan Tremblay: Cause daddy would have loved Grand Canyon.
Peter Highman: Why do you even have this?
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, cause this is my daddy. These are his ashes.
Peter Highman: Why are your father's ashes in a coffee can?
Ethan Tremblay: Because he's dead, Peter.
Peter Highman: I know...I know that.
Ethan Tremblay: Don't you listen to anything that anybody else says?
Peter Highman: The thing is, normal people put remains in an urn.
[holding up the coffee can]
Ethan Tremblay: This is vacuum sealed.
Peter Highman: Ethan, you broke the seal when you poured out the coffee, then you poured your father's remains in there and then you closed it. That didn't reseal it!
Ethan Tremblay: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.
[Ethan sneezes and blows his nose]
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, God! I shouldn't have come here. I'm allergic to waffles.
Peter Highman: Why're you making a pit stop in Birmingham, Alabama? We got...we gotta make time.
Ethan Tremblay: Because I left my glycoma medication on the plane?
Peter Highman: Wait, wait, wait! Your what? You mean your weed?
Ethan Tremblay: It's medical marijuana, Peter.
Peter Highman: No, it's weed.
Ethan Tremblay: Why do you have to make everything so dark?
Peter Highman: It's not dark, it's weed. And I'm saying I really don't want to stop and buy drugs.
Ethan Tremblay: You know what, I didn't want to play this card. Certainly not this early, but guess what? Guess who's got the Subaru Impreza? Me! Guess who's got all the money? Me! Guess who's got a winning personality? Me! What do you have? You have a nice hair line, fine. You have a strong jaw, fine. But I gotta tell you somethin', mister. Your personality needs some work. My God! Now do you want a ride to California or not?
Peter Highman: Yes, please.
Ethan Tremblay: Good. Hold dad.
[he goes to give Peter the coffee can but Peter drops it]
Peter Highman: I'm sorry! I got...I got it. I got it.
Ethan Tremblay: It's like...God almighty! Holy moly! It's like traveling with a child.
Peter Highman: Did you use the rest room?
Ethan Tremblay: Good point. I need to take a pee-pee.
[Ethan takes Peter's cell phone and starts talking to Sarah]
Ethan Tremblay: I wanted to let you know I have your package and he is A-okay and I will have him delivered by Thursday.
Sarah Highman: Thank you so much.
Ethan Tremblay: Hey, Sarah one other thing. Do you have a hairdresser out west? I just got this killer perm and it needs some major up keep.
Sarah Highman: I'm sorry, did you just say that you have a perm?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah. A perm, like a permanent.
[Sarah hears Peter through the phone]
Peter Highman: It's heinous.
Ethan Tremblay: Do you mind!
Sarah Highman: Uh...can I just talk to my husband, please?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, yeah. Okay, hold on.
[he passes Peter's cell phone back to Peter]
Peter Highman: I know.
[on the phone to Sarah]
Peter Highman: So that's what I'm dealing with.
Sarah Highman: Oh, my God!
Peter Highman: Yep. God bless us all.
Heidi: Are you a cop?
Peter Highman: Why? Are you not a licensed pharmacist?
Heidi: Okay, you just look really official. And you know if I ask you if you're a cop, and you are cop, you have to say yes.
Peter Highman: That's a myth. That's actually incorrect. But I'm not.
Ethan Tremblay: No, he's an architect.
Peter Highman: I'm an architect, so.
Heidi: Wait, it's a myth?
Peter Highman: Yeah.
Heidi: [laughs] Shit! I did not know that this whole fucking time. You're fucking scary is what you are. Come in, Ethan. The pharmacy is in Kitchen.
Ethan Tremblay: Nice perm, man. Well done. Well done on that perm.
Barry: Oh, thanks bro. It's not a perm, it's natural. Nobody gets perms anymore. Wait, wait...don't tell me, is that a perm?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, it's a perm.
[Heidi starts to laugh]
Heidi: Oh, my God! You did not perm your hair?
Barry: Where do you even get perms anymore?
Heidi: I know! It's like...
Ethan Tremblay: I was just kidding about. This isn't a perm.
Barry: Excuse me?
Ethan Tremblay: That's not...this isn't a perm. I was just joking.
Heidi: [laughing] Oh, my God! Thank God! Cause I was...
Barry: You got us.
Heidi: I was like...
Barry: You got us both.
Heidi: ...only you know, these like fucking jerk offs get perms.
Barry: That was good.
Heidi: That was hilarious.
Barry: Very good.
[after Ethan has done a monologue from The Godfather, Barry starts to clap]
Heidi: That's amazing. I had chills at that second paragraph when the line...the murder. That is so fucking good, Ethan.
Ethan Tremblay: Thank you. I've been working on the hand gesture, you know, just to get it right.
Barry: Did you write that yourself?
Ethan Tremblay: No, the mafia wrote it.
[after finding out the Ethan has spent most of his money on buying drugs]
Peter Highman: What were you thinking when you spent almost all of our money on drugs?
Peter Highman: What terms do you think in?
Ethan Tremblay: I'm not gonna count them, Peter. I'm not even Jewish!
Peter Highman: Are you an adult?
Ethan Tremblay: Of course I'm an adult. I'm twenty three years old.
Peter Highman: You are the most shot-out twenty three year old I've ever seen. How have you made it this far? How have you not run yourself over in car?
Ethan Tremblay: I've don that.
Peter Highman: How have you survived? That's my question?
Ethan Tremblay: Mostly luck.
Peter Highman: Yeah, that's what I thought. Just dumb fucking luck.
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Total
Quotes: 90
