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[as she’s on top of him]
Dylan: You like this position?
Jamie: Yeah, it’s alright.
Dylan: I gotta be honest, I feel a little emasculated.
Jamie: A naked girl is lying on top of you. And you feel emasculated?
Dylan: A little bit.
Jamie: You do know what that word means, right?
Dylan: Yes! I know what it means, and I feel it.
Jamie: Okay. Alright. You big baby!
[as they’ve changed position and he’s on top of her now]
Jamie: Do you feel manly now?
Dylan: I do.
Jamie: Okay. Put it in.
[he gives her a look and she starts laughing]
Dylan: That’s not funny.
[waiting for Dylan to come back from the bathroom]
Jamie: What’s going on in there?
Dylan: Do you know how hard it is to pee with a hard on?
Jamie: No, actually.
Dylan: It’s like two lines of traffic merging into one. It takes time.
[as he finishes peeing in the bathroom and comes back into the bedroom]
Dylan: What? Did I leak?
Jamie: Did you wash your hands? Oh! Come on, dude! I know we’re just friends, but I’m still a lady! Now, get back in there, wash your hands. And then bring that fine ass back here.
Dylan: You keep talking to me like that, I’m not gonna come back!
[he turns and quickly runs into the bathroom to wash his hands]
Jamie: At least I have food in the house. All you have at home is drinkable yogurt.
Dylan: I like to drink my yogurt! It’s a time saver.
Jamie: Oh! Well, you think you could use that time to shave your shovel? You’re whiskers are like knives.
Dylan: Now, see. If you were my girlfriend, I couldn’t tell you to shut up right now.
Jamie: And because you’re just my buddy, I can tell you that if you don’t start shaving up here.
[points to his chin]
Jamie: I’m gonna stop shaving, down there.
[after she’s caught Jamie and Dylan having sex]
Lorna: You never told me you had a hot boyfriend!
Jamie: He’s not my boyfriend, mom.
Dylan: That’s right. We’re just friends.
Lorna: Why, I love it! Ooh, it’s like the seventies in here. Woo! That was a better time. Just sex. A little grass, a little glue.
[turning to Jamie]
Lorna: Not during pregnancy.
[whispering towards Dylan]
Lorna: Well, not during the final trimester. But no complications. It’s great!
Lorna: So, my daughter is just your slampiece?
Dylan: No! No! Um…a slampiece?
Lorna: I was just kiddin’! Slam away! Have fun. I think this is great. The only thing is, it takes you off the market. But, what the hell! The whole reason you go to the market is to buy the produce, which you already got.
[she stares at Dylan’s crotch]
Dylan: It’s just sex.
Tommy: That never works, bro! She’s a girl, sex always means more to them. Even if they don’t admit it.
Dylan: Jamie’s different.
Tommy: Does she have a penis where most girls have a vagina?
Dylan: No penis.
Tommy: Then she’s not different.
Dylan: What do you know about women, anyway?
Tommy: Dude, I’ve turned down more tail that you’ll ever have.
Dylan: Yeah, bro. You’re gay!
Tommy: But the offers still keep rolling in, naturally! Look at me? And, hey, I love women. They’re beautiful, majestic, mysterious, mesmerizing creatures. Smart, empathetic. Far superior to men in every way. And if I had a choice, I would be with women to my dying day. But, me likes cock. So I’m strictly dickly.
Dylan: So, it’s always just about sex then?
Tommy: No. I’ve been in love. I went down that rabbit hole. You know what I discovered? It’s not who you wanna spend Friday night with. It’s who you wanna spend all day Saturday with. Do you know what that feels like?
Dylan: Yeah. But then it’s every Saturday for the rest of your life.
Tommy: That’s okay. You don’t get it. It’s no big deal. But you will. One day, you’ll meet someone and it’ll literally take you breath away. Like, you can’t breathe. Like, no oxygen to the lungs. Like a fish…
Dylan: Yeah. I…I get it, Tommy.
Tommy: Yeah. You don’t.
[as he sees Tommy jump into his boat]
Dylan: You have a boat!
Tommy: I live in Jersey! And I ain’t takin’ no fairy! Unless it’s out to dinner and a show. Bam!
Lorna: I always thought you were a true love kind of girl.
Jamie: Ah…whatever, mom! It’s not like it’s stopping me from anything.
Lorna: That’s what I thought back in seventy eight. And every year since. I’m just…I’m flattered actually. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. It’s just surprising.
Jamie: Dylan, I think I want to start dating again. I think we should stop this.
Dylan: I kind of think you’re right.
Jamie: Am I?
[sings a line form Third Eye Blind]
Dylan: ‘Every new beginning comes from some other beginning.’ That actually makes sense, right here. Who’d have thought that Third Eye Blind could be so prophetic.
Jamie: Not Third Eye Blind.
Dylan: I’m pretty sure that’s Third Eye Blind.
Jamie: So, this is the end of this!
Dylan: I guess so. But it’s good.
Jamie: Yeah. We did it!
Dylan: With no bullshit.
Jamie: Okay. So, what is your type anyway?
Dylan: [sarcastically] Oh, no. I don’t have a type. It’s more about what’s inside.
Jamie: Oh, please! Okay. What about her?
[points to a woman standing on some steps reading]
Dylan: Yeah! I could get to know her inside. And she’s reading a book.
Jamie: It’s probably Nicholas Sparks.
Dylan: I’m gonna go talk to her.
Dylan: What do you mean ‘what’? You said we need to learn to date again. I’m gonna go talk to her.
Jamie: Now? Here? In front of all these people?
Dylan: I didn’t say I was gonna rape her. I’m just gonna talk to her.
[after he’s been chatting to the woman on the steps]
Dylan: We talked. We laughed.
Dylan: She’s Belgian.
Jamie: Oh, explains the reading.
Dylan: I showed her where the balcony was, because that’s where she is meeting up with her husband.
Jamie: [laughs] Ooh!
[as they watch the woman meet her husband and kiss him]
Dylan: Anniversary trip to New York. Three kids.
Jamie: I’ll go next. See if I still have game.
[as he spots a guy]
Dylan: Ooh! Okay.
Dylan: Right here. Eleven o’clock. Iced coffee.
[referring to man standing ahead of them drinking iced coffee]
Jamie: Handsome, but doesn’t know it. Staring at a tree, which means he’s actually in the park for nature and not to watch women sun bathe.
Dylan: Or he’s retarded.
Jamie: Don’t care. I’m goin’ in.
[as Jamie comes back from talking to the guy Dylan found for her in the park]
Jamie: Okay. His name is Parker.
Jamie: He’s a children’s oncologist.
Jamie: And I have a date this Saturday!
[referring to the guy Jamie asked out on a date in the park]
Dylan: Why did you uh…why did you wave to me?
Jamie: Oh, I told him your my gay best friend. So he wants to set you up with his brother.
[on their first date]
Jamie: I can’t believe you actually cure cancer.
Parker: Well, me and God.
Parker: I’m kidding! Can you imagine someone would actually say that?
Jamie: Yeah, I could. I’ve been out with a lot of them.
Parker: Cancer doctors?
Jamie: No! Assholes! Yeah.
Parker: Well, I figure I’ve done with that. Although, I gotta warn you, a lot of cancer doctors…big assholes.
Jamie: Alright, I think I should probably tell you something.
Parker: Please don’t tell me you’re a dude! Because that’ll be like the third time since I moved here and I don’t think I can handle it.
Jamie: I have a five date rule. You know like five dates before we…
Jamie: I saw it in a movie. Thought I’d give it a try.
Parker: You’re worth waiting for. I’m sure that was the line in the movie, so.
Jamie: How is a guy like you single?
Parker: I’ve just been waiting for someone to come up to me in the park, compliment me for looking at the trees and not the sunbathers.
Jamie: Well, I meant it. It was impressive.
Parker: Actually, if I’m going to be completely honest with you.
Parker: I was sleeping standing up. I work thirty six hours straight. I don’t even know how I got to the park.
Parker: How is a girl like you single?
Jamie: Oh, I have issues. One might even call me damaged. Actually, one did call me damaged.
Parker: Get out of here! Damaged how?
Jamie: I kind of believe in true love. There might be a Prince Charming out there for me.
Dylan: How’s your boy Parker? Still staring at trees?
Jamie: Uh…yeah. He’s still looking up at trees. But um…this time it’s actually in my apartment.
Dylan: Is it fifth date already?
Dylan: Did you guys uh…fifth date?
Jamie: How dare you! A lady never tells.
Dylan: I know. That’s why I’m asking you.
[after sleeping together, the next day Jamie sees Parker sneaking out of her apartment]
Parker: I got get goin’.
Jamie: Oh! What? I thought you weren’t on call today?
Parker: I’m not but I got that thing. I got uh…stuff. This ..they just called me.
Jamie: The sneak out. How incredibly cliché of you!
Parker: I just…I don’t think I can be your Prince Charming.
Jamie: God! You totally didn’t get anything that I was saying, did you?
Parker: No! No! No! I think you’re great.
Jamie: Yeah, you too. You know what? You and I should stay friends.
Jamie: No! Go fuck yourself!
[after breaking up with Parker]
Jamie: Maybe I suck in bed?
Dylan: Trust me. You don’t suck in bed.
Jamie: Thank you.
Dylan: So needy. Hey, maybe the guy’s married or something?
Jamie: No. Did a background check at work. Single. No criminal history. Credit report, seven twenty.
Dylan: Background check? Did you do one on me?
Jamie: How could you possibly max out an old lady card?
Dylan: After college I was really into cargo pants!
Jamie: I gotta stop thinking it’s not me. I mean, it’s gotta be me!
Dylan: It’s not you. Nothing is wrong with you. He’s a guy. You gave him a five date challenge, he got you and cut out. Forget the douche! He’s a dick. He’s a dick douche.
[referring to her mum taking off before they’d had their trip together]
Jamie: Why did I think that this time would be any different?
Dylan: Come with me to L.A.
Dylan: Come on! What else you gonna do? It’s fourth of July, everybody’s left this city.
Jamie: You’re very sweet for asking, but it’s fine. You know what? I’ll just stay here. I’ll be fine alone.
Dylan: I know you’ll be fine alone. You’re not a baby in a hot car! I’m actually asking you to come because it would help me. You’d be a great distraction for my family. They’d forget all about drilling me for being single.
Jamie: Won’t they think that we’re together?
Dylan: Not if I tell them we’re not.
Jamie: And they’ll believe you?
Dylan: Yeah! We’re one of these crazy families that doesn’t lie to each other. PBS is doing a documentary on us.
Dylan: Jamie, this is my sister Annie.
Jamie: Thank you for having me.
Annie: Please, it’s nice to have Dylan bring a girl home.
Jamie: We’re just friends.
Annie: Oh, no. I know. If you were his girlfriend he never would have brought you here.
[pointing to Dylan]
Annie: This one has intimacy issues!
Jamie: I know.
[coming into Jamie’s room]
Jamie: I thought you were going to bed?
Dylan: I was, but then I realized we’re both single again. So…
[he unties his robe]
[opens his robe]
Jamie: Dude! No!
Dylan: Why not? I washed my hands, with soap this time.
Jamie: Are you serious? Why would you just assume?
Dylan: You cracked your neck on the porch. This thing…
[moves his neck from side to side]
Dylan: That’s your tell, remember?
Jamie: I cracked my neck because we were on a flight for six hours. And you were yapping my ear off about how planes all fly themselves. And it actually kinked my neck a bit.
Dylan: So, no?
Jamie: No! Not having sex with you.
Dylan: Is it your special time? They have an App for that. No, wait!
[he moves his cell phone close to her waving it over her body]
Dylan: Nope. You’re good to go.
Jamie: We talked about this. Because I just got dumped, so…
Dylan: Okay. I’m sorry. I thought this would be a good way to take your mind off of him.
Jamie: I don’t function that way. Sex is not gonna help. But you know what will? Emotional support.
Dylan: Before we were sex without emotion. And now we’re emotion without sex.
Jamie: Exactly! I just need you to be my friend right now.
Dylan: Okay. So, I’ll listen to you while you give me a hand job.
Jamie: [laughing] No!
Dylan: I’m kidding! I got it.
[after Jamie has been making fun of him liking Kriss Kross when he was younger]
Dylan: I went as Kriss Kross three years in a row for Halloween.
Jamie: Ooph! Poor kid.
Dylan: I’m not proud of it.
Jamie: Have you really never brought a girl home before?
Dylan: I brought you here.
Jamie: I mean, like a real girl. Not a friend.
Dylan: A real girl.
Dylan: I guess not. Separation of church and state.
Jamie: Ah, yes! Build up as many walls as possible. That’s really healthy.
Dylan: You talking about walls?
Dylan: What about you and your mum? You couldn’t get me out of there fast enough when she walked in on us.
Jamie: That was for your own protection, okay. I’m just surprised she didn’t try to slip you her number or something.
Dylan: Oh, she did. She put it in my phone. Under Milf.
Jamie: Oh, my God!
Dylan: That’s cool. Really. We hooked up, like twice.
Sam: I like Jamie. And she’s pretty too.
Dylan: Hey, easy dude. Don’t you go and casting a spell on her.
Sam: I’m a magician not a wizard. You and your gay Harry Potter.
Dylan: You can’t deny that going to Hogwarts wouldn’t be life changing!
[as Jamie is climbing over the fence to get to the Hollywood sign]
Dylan: They take this shit seriously. Okay? Look at all the cameras. This is the only landmark this city has, other than the Scientology center. And if any of these cameras are hooked up to the actual Scientology center, that was an inappropriate joke and I apologize! I believe in the freedom of science fiction!
[holding his arms up he gives two thumps up]
Jamie: [coughs] Oh, sorry. Pussy!
[as they’re sitting on the Hollywood sign]
Jamie: You really never been up here before?
Dylan: No. I’ve also never transferred heroin in my rectum. Cause it’s against the law.
Jamie: You know that sometimes a simple yes or no answer is adequate.
Jamie: Is something going on here? You’ve been acting really weird.
Dylan: No, I haven’t.
Jamie: Yeah, you have. Is this about what happened the other night?
Dylan: What, sex? That doesn’t mean anything, you know that.
Dylan: And I haven’t been acting weird.
[as the LAPD helicopter catches them on sitting on the Hollywood sign and Jamie is trying to get Dylan to jump down]
Dylan: I have a fear of heights! And also hel…helicopters! They don’t make sense to me!
Jamie: What do you mean you have a fear of heights? Why would you come up here?
Dylan: You called me a p-p-pussy!
[referring to Jamie]
Annie: Did you have a fight with your girlfriend?
Dylan: She’s not my girlfriend. Why don’t you believe me?
Annie: I would believe you if you didn’t lie to me! I saw you creeping out of her room the other night. Like you had just had sex, if you know what I mean?
Dylan: Yes, I know what you mean. You just said it! And how do you know what I look like after I have…I’m not talking to you about this, okay. We’re not together.
[Jamie is listening to their conversation as she’s stuck in the magician box]
Annie: Friends who have sex! What are you, in college?
Dylan: It doesn’t matter! It’s over!
Dylan: Because we don’t like each other like that.
Annie: Okay, you now what? We should talk about this. Sit down. What more are you looking for?
Dylan: Who says I’m looking for anything?
Dylan: I don’t know! But it’s not Jamie!
Annie: Why? Because you’re great together? Because you’re actually friends with each other? Because this is the happiest that I have ever seen you?
Dylan: I don’t know what to tell you, Annie. She’s not for me. I don’t like her like that.
Annie: You like her enough to have sex with her.
Dylan: It’s just physical. Like playing tennis.
Annie: I don’t even know what that means, Dylan!
[Jamie is listening to their conversation as she’s stuck in the magician box]
Annie: I haven’t seen you this dumb, since you got that candy corn tattoo.
Dylan: It’s a lightning bolt! With extra powers!
Annie: Dylan, you can’t name one thing that’s wrong with her.
Dylan: I can never go out with her. She’s too fucked up. She doesn’t want a boyfriend. She’s too damaged. Magnum, P.I. couldn’t solve the shit going on in her head.
Annie: Wow! You’ll say anything right now not to admit that you’re perfect for each other.
Dylan: Why are we still having this conversation?
Annie: Because I’m right.
Dylan: Good talk, Annie.
[he gets up and walks away]
[as Dylan decides to work through lunch]
Tommy: A work ethic. I love it! That is why this country is still number one. Well, behind Germany and France and Belgium and Japan and China. Thank God for Bangladesh!
Tommy: Oh! By the way, why did you take your door off its lovely hinges?
Dylan: It was dumb, man. Something I saw in management book.
Tommy: Oh! Right! Right! Like that’s how Warren Buffett got rich. He took doors off of things! Hey, everybody wants a short cut in life. My guide book is very simple. You wanna lose weight? Stop eating, fatty! You wanna make money? Work your ass off, lazy! You wanna be happy? Find someone you like and never let him go. Or her if you’re into that kind of of…creepy shit.
[finding her sitting on the roof of her favorite skyscraper]
Jamie: How did you know I was up here?
Dylan: Only place in this city you don’t get reception.
Dylan: Why are you avoiding me?
Jamie: I’m not.
Dylan: Really? Come on, Jamie.
Jamie: Well Dylan, I don’t know if you’ve heard. But I am seriously fucked up! I mean Magnum, P.I. couldn’t solve the shit goin’ on up here.
[realizing that she had overheard what he had said about her to his sister]
Dylan: My God! I’m sorry.
Jamie: I’m just gonna go and try to fix the shit goin’ up on in my head. If that’s even possible.
Dylan: I shouldn’t have said that. I was just trying to get my sister off my back! She thought we liked each other.
Jamie: Yeah. Me too, Dylan. I thought we were friends. But friends don’t go talking shit about each other. Which must mean that you and I, were actually never friends. That all you wanted was to get into my pants.
Jamie: You jumped at the chance at your dad’s house!
Dylan: You cracked your neck. I thought you were giving me a sign! We talked about this.
Jamie: Oh, my God! Really?
Dylan: You pulled my robe off! Oopsy! Remember?
Jamie: Yeah. And then you snuck out of the room. Oopsy! Remember that?
Dylan: What? Are you pissed off at me because I didn’t cuddle? Isn’t that why we started this whole arrangement in the first place? You wanted this.
Jamie: I wanted this? Just me. God, you are just like every other guy! The sad thing is, Dylan, I actually thought you were different.
Dylan: Different from what? I’m not your boyfriend, I’m your friend.
Jamie: Well, with friends like you, who needs friends?
[she turns to leave]
Jamie: And uh…thank you for ruining my mountain top. Asshole!
[after finding out he’s had an interview for another job]
Jamie: Is this your way of getting back at me?
Jamie: You know that if you leave before a year’s up, I get screwed!
Dylan: Oh, okay. If I did leave, which I don’t know yet because all I did was take one meeting, I’ll write you a check for your bonus. Whatever it is, I’ll pay for it. Happy now? We’re good?
Jamie: Why didn’t you tell me you were looking?
Dylan: That’s personal. And we’re not friends anymore. You made that pretty clear. See, all I wanted to do was…was…was have sex with you, remember? Pretend you were the best friend I ever had. Open up to you, like I’ve never done with anyone, ever. And then when the sex stopped, invite you to L.A. for the weekend to…dun-dun-dun…introduce you to my family. I’ll send you a check if I take the job.
Jamie: Don’t bother.
[she walks away from him]
Lorna: Do you want some motherly love advice?
Jamie: Not really.
Lorna: Oh, good. Cause I don’t know how to do that. What…what I do know is that, it’s no great God damn secret, you live in fear of repeating my mistakes. And you’re not wrong. So learn from me. Do you know how many men in my life I thought were really perfect?
Jamie: Eighty one!
Lorna: One. It was your dad. Greatest man I ever met. Obviously, look at you? How smart you are. How great. How funny. How driven. Your vaguely Middle Eastern beauty. Sure as hell didn’t all come from me.
Lorna: I mean, we all have our Prince Charming. You just gotta know him when you see him.
Jamie: Mom, it’s Prince Charming! You should just know.
Lorna: Well, you’re Prince Charming isn’t coming to rescue you in a horse and carriage. That’s not who you want. I mean, you’re looking…you’re looking for a man to be your partner. You could take on the world with. You gotta big your fairy tale, baby. My Prince Charming? You.
[to Dylan, referring to the long lost love of his life]
Mr. Harper: You know, my friends used to say, that when Dee Dee and I looked at each other, it was electric. And I…I let her go. I just let her go. Because I was too damn proud to tell her how I really felt about her. I’ll tell you something, that I wish I knew when I was your age. And I know you’ve heard it a million times life is short. But let me tell you something. What this…this…
[referring to his Alzheimer’s and pointing to his head]
Mr. Harper: …is teaching me, is that life is God damn short and you can’t waste a minute of it!
[referring to Jamie]
Dylan: I think I messed it up.
Mr. Harper: Fix it.
Dylan: She won’t talk to me.
Mr. Harper: Maybe she’ll listen. There’s always a way. If you think, there’s even a chance that she could be it. You fix it.
Dylan: Did Annie put you up to this?
Mr. Harper: Who’s Annie?
[Dylan gives him a worried look]
Mr. Harper: I’m kidding! What, I can’t joke about this?
Dylan: [laughing] Jesus Christ, dad!
Mr. Harper: I don’t know what else to do.
[over the loud music of ‘Closing Time’ by Semisonic playing at Grand Central station]
Jamie: [shouting] I’m having trouble hearing you!
Dylan: [shouting] I didn’t really think this through! I guess in the movies they guy pours his heart out and they put the music in later.
Jamie: [shouting] What?
[he walks towards her]
Dylan: I messed up. I was scared. Look at what happened with my mom and dad? Of course I was scared. I…I ruined it. Everything that happens in the day, all I can think to myself is I can’t wait to tell Jamie about this. When I see someone cursing, all I picture is you blinking. And when I hear a kid’s been cured of cancer, I pray it’s not by that douchebag tree hugging, fucking doctor who ran out on you! I mean, cancer being cured is awesome. But you know, I wish someone else did it.
Dylan: Hey, I miss you.
Jamie: I miss you! But you’re not wrong. I am damaged!
Dylan: So am I. Who isn’t? It’s what makes this so awesome. And our tattoos.
[he kneels in front of her and takes her hand]
Jamie: Oh! No! No! No! No!
Dylan: Shut up. It’s not what you think. Jamie, will you be my best friend again?
Jamie: That is so lame.
Dylan: Oh, I know! It’s some Prince Charming shit though, right?
Jamie: Get up.
Dylan: Look, I can live without ever having sex with you again.
[she gives him a shocked look]
Dylan: It’ll be really hard.
[she looks away from him with tears in her eyes]
Dylan: Hey, I want my best friend back. Because I’m in love with her.
Jamie: Under one condition.
Jamie: Kiss me.
Dylan: In public? In front of all these people?
Jamie: I did not ask you to …
[he comes close and kisses her]
[last lines; referring to the horse and carriage as they walk out of Grand Central station]
Jamie: Oh, my God! Did you get a horse and carriage?
Dylan: Yeah. That’s not for you.
Jamie: Oh, thank God! Horses actually scare the shit out of me
Total Quotes: 106
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