first date] Jamie: I
can't believe you actually cure cancer. Parker:
Well, me and God. Jamie: What? Parker: I'm
kidding! Can you imagine someone would actually say that? Jamie: Yeah,
I could. I've been out with a lot of them. Parker: Cancer
doctors? Jamie: No!
Assholes! Yeah. Parker: Well,
I figure I've done with that. Although, I gotta warn you, a lot of
cancer doctors...big assholes.
I think I should probably tell you something. Parker: Please
don't tell me you're a dude! Because that'll be like the third time
since I moved here and I don't think I can handle it. Jamie: I
have a five date rule. You know like five dates before we... Parker: Yeah. Jamie: I
saw it in a movie. Thought I'd give it a try. Parker: You're
worth waiting for. I'm sure that was the line in the movie, so.
is a guy like you single? Parker: I've
just been waiting for someone to come up to me in the park, compliment
me for looking at the trees and not the sunbathers. Jamie: Well,
I meant it. It was impressive. Parker: Actually,
if I'm going to be completely honest with you. Jamie: Yeah. Parker: I
was sleeping standing up. I work thirty six hours straight. I don't
even know how I got to the park
is a girl like you single? Jamie: Oh,
I have issues. One might even call me damaged. Actually, one did call
me damaged. Parker: Get
out of here! Damaged how? Jamie: I
kinda believe in true love. There might be a Prince Charming out there
your boy Parker? Still staring at trees? Jamie: Uh...yeah.
He's still looking up at trees. But um...this time it's actually in my
apartment. Dylan: Is
it fifth date already? Jamie: Maybe. Dylan: Did
you guys uh...fifth date? Jamie: How
dare you! A lady never tells. Dylan: I
know. That's why I'm asking you.
together, the next day Jamie sees Parker sneaking out of her apartment] Parker: I
got get goin'. Jamie: Oh!
What? I thought you weren't on call today? Parker: I'm
not but I got that thing. I got uh...stuff. This ..they just called me. Jamie: Really? Parker: Yeah. Jamie: The
sneak out. How incredibly cliche of you! Parker: I
just...I don't think I can be your Prince Charming. Jamie: God!
You totally didn't get anything that I was saying, did you? Parker: No!
No! No! I think you're great. Jamie: Yeah,
you too. You know what? You and I should stay friends. Parker: Really? Jamie: No!
Go fuck yourself!
[after breaking breaking
up with Parker] Jamie: Maybe
I suck in bed? Dylan: Trust
me. You don't suck in bed. Jamie: Thank
you. Dylan: So
needy. Hey, maybe the guy's married or something? Jamie: No.
Did a background check at work. Single. No criminal history. Credit
report, seven twenty. Dylan: Background
check? Did you do one on me? Jamie: How
could you possibly max out an old lady card? Dylan: After
college I was really into cargo pants!
gotta stop thinking it's not me. I mean, it's gotta be me! Dylan: It's
not you. Nothing is wrong with you. He's a guy. You gave him a five
date challenge, he got you and cut out. Forget the douche! He's a dick.
He's a dick douche.
[referring to her mum
taking off before they'd had their trip together] Jamie: Why
did I think that this time would be any different? Dylan: Come
with me to L.A. Jamie: What? Dylan: Come
on! What else you gonna do? It's fourth of July, everybody's left this
city. Jamie: You're
very sweet for asking, but it's fine. You know what? I'll just stay
here. I'll be fine alone. Dylan: I
know you'll be fine alone. You're not a baby in a hot car! I'm actually
asking you to come because it would help me. You'd be a great
distraction for my family. They'd forget all about drilling me for
being single. Jamie: Won't
they think that we're together? Dylan: Not
if I tell them we're not. Jamie: And
they'll believe you? Dylan: Yeah!
We're one of these crazy families that doesn't lie to each other. PBS
is doing a documentary on us.
this is my sister Annie. Annie: Hi. Jamie: Thank
you for having me. Annie: Please,
it's nice to have Dylan bring a girl home. Jamie: We're
just friends. Annie: Oh,
no. I know. If you were his girlfriend he never would have brought you
here. [pointing to Dylan] Annie: This
one has intimacy issues! Jamie: I
[coming into Jamie's
room] Jamie: I
thought you were going to bed? Dylan: I
was, but then I realized we're both single again. So... [he unties his robe] Dylan: Oopsy! [opens his robe] Dylan: Oopsy! Jamie: Dude!
No! Dylan: Why
not? I washed my hands, with soap this time. Jamie: Are
you serious? Why would you just assume? Dylan: You
cracked your neck on the porch. This thing... [moves his neck from
side to side] Dylan: That's
your tell, remember? Jamie: I
cracked my neck because we were on a flight for six hours. And you were
yapping my ear off about how planes all fly themselves. And it actually
kinked my neck a bit.
no? Jamie: No!
Not having sex with you. Dylan: Is
it your special time? They have an App for that. No, wait! [he moves his cell phone
close to her waving it over her body] Dylan: Nope.
You're good to go. Jamie: We
talked about this. Because I just got dumped, so... Dylan: Okay.
I'm sorry. I thought this would be a good way to take your mind off of
him. Jamie: I
don't function that way. Sex is not gonna help. But you know what will?
Emotional support. Dylan: Before
we were sex without emotion. And now we're emotion without sex. Jamie: Exactly!
I just need you to be my friend right now. Dylan: Okay.
So, I'll listen to you while you give me a hand job. Jamie: [laughing] No! Dylan: I'm
kidding! I got it.
[after Jamie has been
making fun of him liking Kriss Kross when he was younger] Dylan: I
went as Kriss Kross three years in a row for Halloween. Jamie: Ooph!
Poor kid. Dylan: I'm
not proud of it.
you really never brought a girl home before?
brought you here. Jamie: I
mean, like a real girl. Not a friend. Dylan: A
real girl. Jamie: Yeah. Dylan: I
guess not. Separation of church and state. Jamie: Ah,
yes! Build up as many walls as possible. That's really healthy. Dylan: You
talking about walls? Jamie: Yeah. Dylan: What
about you and your mum? You couldn't get me out of there fast enough
when she walked in on us. Jamie: That
was for your own protection, okay. I'm just surprised she didn't try to
slip you her number or something. Dylan: Oh,
she did. She put it in my phone. Under Milf. Jamie: Oh,
my God! Dylan: That's
cool. Really. We hooked up, like twice.
Sam: I like
Jamie. And she's pretty too. Dylan: Hey,
easy dude. Don't you go and casting a spell on her. Sam: I'm a
magician not a wizard. You and your gay Harry Potter. Dylan: You
can't deny that going to Hogwarts wouldn't be life changing!
[as Jamie is climbing
over the fence to get to the Hollywood sign] Dylan: They
take this shit seriously. Okay? Look at all the cameras. This is the
only landmark this city has, other than the Scientology center. And if
any of these cameras are hooked up to the actual Scientology center,
that was an inappropriate joke and I apologize! I believe in the
freedom of science fiction! [holding his arms up he
gives two thumps up] Jamie: [coughs] Oh, sorry.
[as they're sitting on
the Hollywood sign] Jamie: You
really never been up here before? Dylan: No.
I've also never transferred heroin in my rectum. Cause it's against the
law. Jamie: You
know that sometimes a simple yes or no answer is adequate.
something going on here? You've been acting really weird. Dylan: No,
I haven't. Jamie: Yeah,
you have. Is this about what happened the other night? Dylan: What,
sex? That doesn't mean anything, you know that. Jamie: Right.
I haven't been acting weird. Jamie: Okay.
[as the LAPD helicopter
catches them on sitting on the Hollywood sign and Jamie is trying t get
Dylan to jump down] Dylan: I
have a fear of heights! And also hel...helicopters! They don't make
sense to me! Jamie: What
do you mean you have a fear of heights? Why would you come up here? Dylan: You
called me a p-p-pussy!
[referring to Jamie] Annie: Did
you have a fight with your girlfriend? Dylan: She's
not my girlfriend. Why don't you believe me? Annie: I
would believe you if you didn't lie to me! I saw you creeping out of
her room the other night. Like you had just had sex, if you know what I
mean? Dylan: Yes,
what you mean. You just said it! And how do you know what I look like
after I have...I'm not talking to you about this, okay. We're not
[Jamie is listening to
their conversation as she's stuck in the magician box] Annie: Friends
who have sex! What are you, in college? Dylan: It
doesn't matter! It's over!
Annie: Why? Dylan: Because
we don't like each other like that. Annie: Okay,
you now what? We should talk about this. Sit down. What more are you
looking for? Dylan: Who
says I'm looking for anything? Annie: Dylan. Dylan: I
don't know! But it's not Jamie! Annie: Why?
Because you're great together? Because you're actually friends with
each other? Because this is the happiest that I have ever seen you? Dylan: I
don't know what to tell you, Annie. She's not for me. I don't like her
like that. Annie: You
like her enough to have sex with her. Dylan: It's
just physical. Like playing tennis. Annie: I
don't even know what that means, Dylan!
[Jamie is listening to
their conversation as she's stuck in the magician box] Annie: I
haven't seen you this dumb, since you got that candy corn tattoo. Dylan: It's
a lightning bolt! With extra powers! Annie: Dylan,
you can't name one thing that's wrong with her. Dylan: I
can never go out with her. She's too fucked up. She doesn't want a
boyfriend. She's too damaged. Magnum, P.I. couldn't solve the shit
going on in her head. Annie: Wow!
You'll say anything right now not to admit that you're perfect for each
other. Dylan: Why
are we still having this conversation? Annie: Because
I'm right. Dylan: Good
talk, Annie. [he gets up and walks
[as Dylan decides to
work through lunch] Tommy: A
work ethic. I love it! That is why this country is still number one.
Well, behind Germany and France and Belgium and Japan and China. Thank
God for Bangladesh!
By the way, why did you take your door off its lovely hinges? Dylan: It
was dumb, man. Something I saw in management book. Tommy: Oh!
Right! Right! Like that's how Warren Buffett got rich. He took doors
off of things! Hey, everybody wants a short cut in life. My guide book
is very simple. You wanna lose weight? Stop eating, fatty! You wanna
make money? Work your ass off, lazy! You wanna be happy? Find someone
you like and never let him go. Or her if you're into that kinda
[finding her sitting on
the roof of her favorite skyscraper] Jamie: How
did you know I was up here? Dylan: Only
place in this city you don't get reception. Jamie: Right. Dylan: Why
are you avoiding me? Jamie: I'm
not. Dylan: Really?
Come on, Jamie. Jamie: Well
Dylan, I don't know if you've heard. But I am seriously fucked up! I
mean Magnum, P.I. couldn't solve the shit goin' on up here. [realizing that she had
overheard his what he had said about her to his sister] Dylan: My
God! I'm sorry. Jamie: I'm
just gonna go and try to fix the shit goin' up on in my head. If that's
shouldn't have said that. I was just trying to get my sister off my
back! She thought we liked each other. Jamie: Yeah.
Me too, Dylan. I thought we were friends. But friends don't go talking
about each other. Which must mean that you and I, were actually
never friends. That all you wanted was to get into my pants. Dylan: What? Jamie: You
jumped at the chance at your dad's house! Dylan: You
cracked your neck. I thought you were giving me a sign! We talked about
this. Jamie: Oh,
my God! Really? Dylan: You
pulled my robe off! Oopsy! Remember? Jamie: Yeah.
And then you snuck out of the room. Oopsy! Remember that? Dylan: What?
Are you pissed off at me because I didn't cuddle? Isn't that why we
started this whole arrangement in the first place? You wanted this. Jamie: I
wanted this? Just me. God, you are just like every other guy! The sad
thing is, Dylan, I actually thought you were different. Dylan: Different
from what? I'm not your boyfriend, I'm your friend. Jamie: Well,
with friends like you, who needs friends? [she turns to leave] Jamie: And
uh...thank you for ruining my mountain top. Asshole!
[after finding out he's
had an interview for another job] Jamie: Is
this your way of getting back at me? Dylan: What? Jamie: You
know that if you leave before a year's up, I get screwed! Dylan: Oh,
okay. If I did leave, which I don't know yet because all I did was take
one meeting, I'll write you a check for your bonus. Whatever it is,
I'll pay for it. Happy now? We're good? Jamie: Why
didn't you tell me you were looking? Dylan: That's
personal. And we're not friends anymore. You made that pretty clear.
See, all I wanted to do was...was...was have sex with you, remember?
Pretend you were the best friend I ever had. Open up to you, like I've
never done with anyone, ever. And then when the sex stopped, invite you
to L.A. for the weekend to...dun-dun-dun...introduce you to my family.
I'll send you a check if I take the job. Jamie: Don't
bother. [she walks away from him]
you want some motherly love advice? Jamie: Not
really. Lorna: Oh,
good. Cause I don't know how to do that. What...what I do know is that,
it's no great God damn secret, you live in fear of repeating my
mistakes. And you're not wrong. So learn from me. Do you know how many
men in my life I thought were really perfect? Jamie: Eighty. Lorna: One. Jamie: Eighty
one! Lorna: One.
It was your dad. Greatest man I ever met. Obviously, look at you? How
smart you are. How great. How funny. How driven. Your vaguely Middle
Eastern beauty. Sure as hell didn't all come from me.
mean, we all have our Prince Charming. You just gotta know him when you
see him. Jamie: Mom,
it's Prince Charming! You should just know. Lorna: Well,
you're Prince Charming isn't coming to rescue you in a horse and
carriage. That's not who you want. I mean, you're looking...you're
looking for a man to be your partner. You could take on the world with.
You gotta big your fairy tail baby. My Prince Charming? You.
[to Dylan, referring to
the long lost love of his life] Mr. Harper:
You know, my friends used to say, that when Dee Dee and I looked at
each other, it was electric. And I...I let her go. I just let her go.
Because I was too damn proud to tell her how I really felt about her.
I'll tell you something, that I wish I knew when I was your age. And I
know you've heard it a million times life is short. But let me tell you
something. What this...this... [referring to his
Alzheimer's and pointing to his head] Mr. Harper: ...is
teaching me, is that life is God damn short and you can't waste a
minute of it!
[referring to Jamie] Dylan: I
think I messed it up. Mr. Harper: Fix
it. Dylan: She
won't talk to me. Mr. Harper: Maybe
she'll listen. There's always a way. If you think, there's even a
chance that she could be it. You fix it. Dylan: Did
Annie put you up to this? Mr. Harper:Who's
Annie? [Dylan gives him a
worried look] Mr. Harper: I'm
kidding! What, I can't joke about this? Dylan: [laughing] Jesus
Christ, dad! Mr. Harper: I
don't know what else to do.
[over the loud music of
'Closing Time' by Semisonic playing at Grand Central station] Jamie: [shouting] I'm
having trouble hearing you! Dylan: [shouting] I didn't
really think this through! I guess in the movies they guy pours his
heart out and they put the music in later. Jamie: [shouting] What? [he walks towards her] Dylan: I
messed up. I was scared. Look at what happened with my mom and dad? Of
course I was scared. I...I ruined it. Everything that happens in the
day, all I can think to myself is I can't wait to tell Jamie about
this. When I see someone cursing, all I picture is you blinking. And
when I hear a kid's been cured of cancer, I pray it's not by that
douchebag tree hugging, fucking doctor who ran out on you! I mean,
cancer being cured is awesome. But you know, I wish someone else did it.
I miss you. Jamie: I
miss you! But you're not wrong. I am damaged! Dylan: So
am I. Who isn't? It's what makes this so awesome. And our tattoos. [he kneels in front of
her and takes her hand] Jamie: Oh!
No! No! No! No! Dylan: Shut
up. It's not what you think. Jamie, will you be my best friend again? Jamie: That
is so lame. Dylan: Oh,
I know! It's some Prince Charming shit though, right? Jamie: Get
I can live without ever having sex with you again. [she gives him a shocked
look] Dylan: It'll
be really hard. [she looks away from him
with tears in her eyes] Dylan: Hey,
I want my best friend back. Because I'm in love with her. Jamie: Under
one condition. Dylan: Anything. Jamie: Kiss
me. Dylan: In
public? In front of all these people? Jamie: I
did not ask you to ... [he comes close and
[referring to the horse
and carriage as they walk out of Grand Central station] Jamie: Oh,
my God! Did you get a horse and carriage? Dylan: Yeah.
That's not for you. Jamie: Oh,
thank God! Horses actually scare the shit out of me Dylan: Really? Jamie: Yeah.