The Lego Movie (2014)
anybody has black parts I need them, okay? I only work in black. And
sometimes very, very dark grey.
look. If this relationship is ever gonna work between us, I need to
feel free to party with a bunch of strangers whenever I feel like it.
See more The Lego Movie
of Brian (1979)
He's not the Messiah. He's a very
more Life of Brian Quotes
[to the crowd]
not the Messiah! Will you please listen?
I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Well, what sort of chance does that
give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
He is! He is the Messiah!
[everyone goes silent]
shall we fuck off, O Lord?
[end of the movie]
Lead Singer Crucifee:
Life's a piece of shit when you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's
a joke. It's true!
Miss Sunshine (2006)
Sarcasm is the refuge of losers.
Sarcasm is losers
trying to bring winners down to their level.
you've really opened my eyes to what a loser I am. How much do I owe
you for those pearls of wisdom?
that ones on the
Miss Sunshine Quotes
[getting pulled over by
Richard: Oh my God, I'm getting pulled over. Everyone,
just...pretend to be normal.
Jesus, I'm tired. I'm
so fucking tired. You know how tired I am? If a girl came up to me and
begged me to fuck her, I couldn't do it. That's how tired I am.
know what? Fuck
beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. You
know, school, then college, then work, fuck that. And fuck the air
force academy. If I wanna fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you
love, and fuck the rest.
glad you're talking
again, Dwayne. You're not nearly as stupid as you look.
A Million Ways to Die in
the West (2014)
[comes out of the bar
drunk and goes to his horse]
gonna get a running start.
you really shouldn't drink and horse.
[Albert goes to jump
onto his horse but misses and lands on the ground on the other side]
more A Million Ways to Die in the West Quotes
American West is a terrible place in time. Everything out here that's
not you wants to kill you. Angry drunk people, hungry animals, outlaws,
the fucking doctor.
[cut to a
I couldn't save her.
had a splinter, doc. What the hell were you supposed to do?
to our awesome town.
with this fair?
year people die.
[they look over to a
photographer getting ready to take a photo of a couple]
Everybody, hold still.
[as he uses the flash to
take the photo it suddenly explodes, sets the photographer on fire and
kills him, the couple scream as they are on fire and two people in the
crowd shoot them dead]
die at the fair.
die at the fair.
[spots Louise walking
over with Foy towards them]
my God. I just broke up with her. Quick, just pretend you're my
[as Louise and Foy reach
his girlfriend. A lot of sexual activity...
the time. It's, I...I live inside her. So if you wanna send me a
letter, you gotta address it "care of her vagina."
[enters a bar]
Somebody in this town is going to die.
[whispering to Edward]
my God. Somebody's gonna get fucked up.
[cut to Clinch busting
into Edward's house as he's in bed with Ruth]
don't shoot us on sex night!
you look amazing!
really love that the most alluring fashion today is to simulate a fat
[she turns and shows him
the back of her dress]
I was a black guy, this is the meanest trick you could play on me.
that was a long day. This one man wanted me to smoke a cigar and then
like ash on his balls while I'm jerking him off, and it was just like,
what? Can I do this? But I did.
So you're job is so interesting cause no two days are alike.
do you say I steal a bottle of whiskey and we hit the road?
love that idea.
[she walks over to the
bar and says to the bartender]
[as the bartender turns
she grabs the bottle of whiskey from the bar counter and walks off]
Man with Two Brains (1983)
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men
can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!
Dr. Necessiter's butler:
I get you anything more,
I'm about to retire.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
You seem so young.
She's having her period!
Chloe Grace Moretz:
What do I do?!
Well, we're just gonna have to plug it up!
My friend is bleeding out of her vagina!
I've got frozen pees and a sponge!
more Movie 43 Quotes
Basketball Player #1:
Coach, there's ten thousand people out there that think we ain't good
or lose, I am so proud of you all. You're gonna win! What game are we
Basketball Player #2: Basketball,
color is this game?
Basketball Player #2: White!
all gonna kill those Caucasians!
Basketball Player #3: But
at their fundamentals!
fundamentals! You're black, they're white! This ain't hockey!
many fucking times do I have to tell you! You're black, they're white!
Basketball Player #4: Coach,
what you're saying is, we just walk with the Lord.
Lord did his part already! He made you black, he gave you a foot and a
half dick! Dribble with that, motherfucker!
Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
Constantine the Frog:
name will go down in history as greatest thief of all time.
mean our names, right?
Constantine the Frog:
course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar, your name.
more Muppets Most Wanted Quotes
one single person noticed I'd been replaced by an evil criminal
Fozzie Bear: It
sounds worse than it was.
it's as bad as it sounds.
am not Constantine!
[the officer walks away]
Russian GULAG Officer: Lights
[the lights go out and
we hear a crashing noise]
Russian GULAG Officer: Turn
them back on, I can't see anything!
[the lights are turned
Russian GULAG Officer: You
have to wait until I'm like out of the hallway.
[pretending to be Kermit]
Constantine the Frog: I
am Kermit. And now you guys have all the freedom you want.
do I do the indoor running of the bulls?
Dominic. International tour manager.
[he puts his business
card on the table in front of the muppets, Fozzie reads his name]
Fozzie Bear: Dominic
Dominic Badguy: "Badjee".
you guys think that Kermit's been acting a little weird lately?
That's ridiculous! He's never been more caring and devoted to me.
that's what we're saying!
only one guy in this world who can save us. Only one frog who can
restore order. Bring justice and set things right.
Fozzie Bear: You
are talking about Kermit, right?
Dominic Badguy: The
world capital of comedy...Berlin, Germany.
Miss Piggy: Ich
bin ein Berliner.
Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
More like, I'm Frankfurter!
[the muppets laugh]
Miss Piggy: Watch
Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear (1991)
Lt. Frank Drebin:
Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with
your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way
you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to
be thrown down; two, come on out!
people will vote
I'd vote for you.
what are my skills?
have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks.
Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.
Napoleon Dynamite Quotes
be jealous that
I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know
that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and
hit me, Napoleon.
Kip: I said
come down here and
see what happens if you try and hit me.
What about your
things are getting
pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours
every day so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious.
I think you're all fucked in the head. We're 10 hours from the fucking
fun park and you wanna bail out! Well I'll tell you something. This is
no longer a vacation.
It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna
have fun. We're all gonna have so much fucking fun, we'll need plastic
surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling 'Zippity
of your assholes! I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose.
Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!
No Strings Attached
[as Adam and Emma are
having loud sex, Eli walks over to Adams room and bangs loudly on his
focus on my porn with all this real sex going on around me!
See more No
Strings Attached Quotes
Office Space (1999)
one in this country
can ever pronounce my name right. It's...it's not that hard.
Yeah, well, at
least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
nothing wrong with that name.
nothing wrong with it, until I was about twelve years old and that
no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Hmm...well, why don't
you just uh...go by Mike instead of Michael?
No way! Why
should I change? He's the one who sucks.
See more Office Space
Other Guys (2010)
Are you serious?
They sound like a
baby blowing out birthday candles.
more The Other Guys Quotes
At age eleven, I
audited my parents. Believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I
Captain Gene Mauch: You
know what, I'm going to hang onto the wooden gun.
Allen Gamble: To
give me back my real gun?
Gene Mauch: No. I'm going to give you this. It's a rape
blow that if you're in any trouble, and someone with an actual gun will
come and help you out.
[Gamble quietly blows
Do you know who I am?
weird stinky old bum, who lives up the hill?
was asking him!
[points to Norman]
See more ParaNorman
Parental Guidance (2012)
[as Harper walks out of
the dressing room wearing black dress that's a little large]
bad?! She looks like a twelve year old widow.
more Parental Guidance Quotes
[after Barker has spray
fainted his face during the night, Artie wakes up and faces Diane]
Diane Decker: What's
wrong with your face?!
Artie Decker: Oh,
and you're such a pleasure in the morning!
[to Harper's violin
teacher after she tells Harper to practice]
Diane Decker: If
you ever speak to my granddaughter like that again, there will be
nothing left of you but some red hair and an accent! Is that clear,
[as Alice tries to take
the cake Artie gave the kids away from Harper]
You lied to me! Yogurt is not like ice cream!
[rushing Barker into a
Barker Simmons: I
gotta go number two! I gotta go number two!
[staring at the toilet]
Barker Simmons: Daddy
always sings to me.
Artie Decker: Mm.
[Artie starts singing as
he holds Barker on the toilet]
Artie Decker: Come
out, come out, Mr. Doodie, and swim in the swimming pool. I know it's
dark where you're hiding, but out here it's really cool.
of the Caribbean:
On Stranger Tides (2011)
heard where you're headed. The fountain.
you been there?
Does this face look like it's been to the fountain of youth?
on the light.
See more Pirates
of Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Quotes
Miller, you've been smoking item nine for seven minutes and thirteen
seconds. We're going to ask you several questions. How do you feel?
Ah, well, sir,
I feel like a, like a slice of butter...melting on top of a big-ol'
pile of flapjacks...yeah.
Pineapple Express Quotes
so nice they named it twice.
if that Blue
Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had...and they had a baby. And then,
meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red
Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two
babies met and fucked...this would the shit that they birthed.
[Denton smells the
Wow. This is the
product of baby fucking.
Just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to
[he lights a joint and
It's really that
Saul: [exhales] It's,
like, the rarest.
[he examines the joint]
almost a shame to
smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn...with, like, a bomb.
Ha! Just because
your older. You know what? I lost my virginity when I was fourteen.
Dale Denton: Really?!
Angie Anderson: How
have you even slept with?
Like two and a
Two and a half?
What is a half, your hand? That doesn't count!
stoned I am and just how on the verge of death am I right now. Like, am
I seeing shit because I'm stoned or because I have no blood left in my
Dale Denton: Well,
shot like seven times.
shortly passing out from his wounds]
I'm like the nerd at
the sleepover who fell asleep at nine.
It's okay. We
won't put our dicks in your mouth.
Project X (2012)
[referring to the people
at the party]
is way more than a hundred people.
course it is, it's plus one.
more Project X Quotes
are you looking for?
I'm working on something downstairs.
only thing you're working on is diabetes, you fat...
[Costa is writing a text
Costa, what are you doing?
[reading Costa's text]
want your ass too, mommy.
talks like that?
do. It works.
[referring to Astin
Think about it, our balls are where his eyes are.
[as the crowd of party
below chant for J.B to jump off the roof]
do it, man. You're way too fat.
The Proposal (2009)
the full spectrum of human emotion.
in Boots (2011)
You got any idea what they do to eggs in San Ricardo prison?
[Puss stops walking and
the music playing in the tavern also stops]
tell you this, my friend. It
[a cat appears behind
See more Puss in Boots
You're funny lookin'.
You're funny lookin' too!
a funny lookin' shirt.
That's funny lookin' dress!
got funny lookin' eyes.
got a funny lookin' face!
See more Rango Quotes
The Rum Diary (2011)
How does anybody drink a hundred and sixty one miniatures?
they not complimentary?
more The Rum Diary Quotes
Pauk Kemp: I
thought you said you had a TV?
The guy across the alley has a TV. I have binoculars.
Paul Kemp: [voice over] Now
all this might sounds like some crazed hallucination, but it's all
true... I think.
Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)
something bad, you have to fight for it. Step up your game, Scott,
break out the L word.
The other L word.
Seven Psychopaths (2012)
for an eye leaves the whole world blind.
it doesn't. There'll be one guy left with one eye. How's the last blind
guy gonna take out the eye of the last guy left?
more Seven Psychopaths Quotes
how's everything in the dog kidnapping business?
borrowing business, and I ain't talking about that shit neither.
Costello, please don't hurt me.
Where were you walking him, Sharice?
love your dog so much, Mr. Costello, when you're such an angry type
person. You just think it was my fault and drag me back here and tie me
up and kill me.
that was uh...pretty good.
always loved Bonnie, like he was my own child.
I do not want that image in my head. Two...
[turning to one of his
you go and get my fucking dog back!
the hell happened?!
punks jumped us! Said they were looking for a little Shih Tzu. Then
some other punk killed those punks. That's there blood, it's his puke.
You wanna go to the bathroom, clean some of the blood and the puke off
almost got killed today cause you kidnapped the wrong fucking dog.
are we gonna do?
We could take on all the bad guys, maybe in the desert.
do you think we should do in real life?!
Billy, you've gotta give it back.
it back! You don't just give back a kidnapped dog. It defeats the
entire object of the kidnapping!
your hands ups!
I've got a gun!
it doesn't make any sense!
just called up Charlie Costello and I told him to come down and get his
dog back, and said if you have trouble finding us, just look for a
Buick on fire.
that's just fucking great! Oh, great! You know what that is? Do you
know what that is?!
just fucking great!
[to Marty; referring to
me give him a couple of kisses and scratches.
[he looks over and sees
Billy playing with his dog]
friend's a fucking psychopath.
waiting for somebody, old guy?
My name is Zachariah Rigby. I left a message on Billy's telephone.
you screaming about eating my heart off a tray and then shitting on it?
No, I wouldn't do that.
[Billy pauses as he
looks at Zachariah]
you seem normal. Come on in. We gotta get this dog off the street,
cause it's kidnapped from a maniac.
think we should go to the cops.
'em! No fucking cops.
Shrek growls in
Donkey's face to make him scared]
was really scary and if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work,
your breath will certainly get the job done, 'cause you definitely need
some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath STINKS!
time I ate some
rotten berries. Man, there were some strong gases seepin' outta my butt
Farquaad: Run, run,
run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man.
Lord Farquaad: I'm
monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?
Gingerbread Man: Eat
[spits in Farquaad's
they make you cry.
you leave em out in
the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.
Layers! Onions have
layers! Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have
you both have
layers. Oh, you know, not everybody likes onions.
[Shrek is climbing up a
behind him when he sniffs the air]
you gotta warn
somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and
if that was me,
you'd be dead. That's brimstone...we must be getting close
Yeah, right. Brimstone,
don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt and it wasn't
no brimstone and it didn't come off no stone neither.
[looking for a certain
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Man, this
would be so much easier if I wasn't COLOR-BLIND!
can't die on me,
Shrek! I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your
head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich?
not that ugly. All right, you are ugly. But you're only like this at
night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
[counting the money he'd
stolen from the Bat Mitzvah party]
it's not! We need seven thousand more and it's almost eleven o'clock.
Noah, I have an idea. How about you start your own signature fragrance?
a great idea! I'll just alert my team of scientists, have them invent a
new perfume. We'll starting selling it and we'll have seven grand in
the next forty five minutes!
See more The Sitter Quotes
ever taken a
serious political stand on anything?
twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.
physically. I got a Ph.D. in oral sex.
Miles Monroe: Yeah,
you take any Spanish with that?
Oh, I see. You
don't believe in science, and you also don't believe that political
systems work, and you don't believe in God, huh?
Luna Schlosser: So
do you believe in?
Sex and death,
two things that come once in a lifetime...but at least after death,
you're not nauseous.
My brain! It's my
second favorite organ!
When I asked my
mother where babies came from, she thought I said 'rabies'. She said
you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my
block gave birth to triplets...I thought she'd been bitten by a great
Perform sex? Uh...uh, I don't think I'm up to a performance, but I'll
rehearse with you,
if you like.
Okay. I just
thought you might want to; they have a machine here.
Miles Monroe: Machine?
getting into that thing. I...I'm strictly a hand operator. You know,
I...I...I don't like anything with moving parts that are not my own.
Miles Monroe: We're
see the nose. I hear it was running.
I'm not really
the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.
Where am I
anyhow, I mean, what happened to everybody, where are all my friends?
Dr. Aragon: You
understand that everyone you knew in the past has been dead nearly two
But they all ate
I don't know what
the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting
Miles Monroe: This
tastes awful. I could make a fortune selling it in my health food store.
Luna Schlosser: Sex
different now. There are no problems. Everyone is frigid now.
Miles Monroe: So
all the men
except for those whose ancestors were Italian.
I knew there was
something in that pasta.
have a belly full
of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this shit on me?
house is a
On Planet Bullshit!
In the galaxy of
This Sucks Camel Dicks!
Robert Doback: When I was a kid, when I was a little boy,
always wanted to be a dinosaur, I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more
than anything in the world, I made my arms short and I roamed the back
yard, I chased the neighborhood cats, I growled and I roared, everybody
knew me and was afraid of me, and one day my dad said, "Bobby you are
17, it's time to throw childish things aside", and I said, "OK Pop",
he didn't really say that, he said, "Stop being a fucking dinosaur
and get a job."
Dr. Robert Doback:
You have one
month to find jobs or you're out on your asses. I will arrange
interviews for Monday and you will go!
Dad, why are you
talking to me like this? I'm your son.
Dr. Robert Doback:
buying that crap anymore!
Therapist: So, Dale. I don't know how much you know about
therapy, but it usually starts by you telling me a little something
I work at a
college as a janitor even though I feel like I'm smarter than most of
the people who go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a
blackboard, like half an equation, and...I just figure it out.
Is this Good
It sounds a lot
like the plot of Good Will Hunting.
Yeah. Anyway. My
best friend is Ben Affleck.
yelled rape at the
top of your lungs!
Mom, I honestly
thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in
his eyes. And at one point he said, "Lets get it on."
That was about the
fighting. I am so not a raper!
Look, I didn't
touch your drum set, okay?
I witnessed with
my eyes your testicles touching my drum set.
[to Rapunzel, after they
enter the Snuggly Duckling]
You smell that? Take a deep breath through the nose.
[he takes a deep breath]
Really let that
seep in. What are you getting? Because to me it's part man-smell and
the other part is really bad man-smell. I don't know why, but overall
it just smells like the color brown. Your thoughts?
[Ted is dressed in a
suit and tie as John helps him find a job]
you don't. You look dapper.
don't! I look like Snuggles accountant.
on. It's not that bad.
look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma
I know it sucks, okay? But you gotta make some money so you can pay for
don't wanna work at a grocery store.
but you have no skills.
you, I can totally be a lawyer.
See more Ted Quotes
That's My Boy (2012)
[as they are drinking at
a spa club at Todd's bachelor party, Donny spits out his drink]
the fuck is this?
It's water infused with cucumber, rose petal and harvest sandylion.
tastes like fucking dick infused with balls!
This is the End (2013)
[talking into his camera]
Watson showed up.
[we see Emma threatening
them with an ax]
Give me everything you have to drink!
are six of us! You cannot rob us!
not fucking around!
[Emma hits Seth Rogen in
the face with then end of her ax]
[pointing to their
her the drinks!
[talking into the camera]
Hermione just stole all of our shit! And Jay suggested that we rape
her. I think the only reason he did that is because he knows he's about
two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.
more This is the End Quotes
[referring to James
Seth Rogen: This
place is beautiful, man.
James Franco: This
place is like a piece of me. You two just stepped inside me.
Seth Rogen: You
let us both come inside you! Yeah!
James Franco: Boom!
Jay Baruchel: Thanks,
Oh, my God. If I don't fuck Michael Cera tonight, I'm gonna blow my
Mindy Kaling: Fucking
pale, a hundred and ten pounds, hairless, probably has a huge cock.
He has a weird face.
Mindy Kaling: Ah,
[Michael Cera blows some
powder into Christopher Mintz-Plasse's face]
Ooh! What did you just fucking blow on me?!
Don't worry, it's just heroin.
Are you shitting me?!
Jonah Hill: I
was kidding, it's cocaine. But that's still very bad.
Danny McBride: For
all we know The Lakers could have just won and that's the reason why
all this is happening.
Jay Baruchel: I
think it's the apocalypse. It's all in here.
[he holds up the Bible;
reads a passage from the Bible]
Jay Baruchel: And
he opened the bottomless pit.
Seth Rogen: It's
a sink hole. Every single time I turn on the news, sink hole in South
America, bunch of South Americans are getting sucked into the ground.
Jonah Hill: Sinked
hole in my house.
Seth Rogen: It's
already going crazy out there, guys! I'm not leaving, okay? I'm a
victim! When I was a kid I had man tities, the bullies held me down,
they titty fucked me!
We are actors! We pretend to be hard, man! We solve this baby shit!
[they hear a helicopter
Helicopter! It's gonna be fine!
[they watch as the
helicopter falls and crashes, exploding, Craig Robinson screams in pain
as the crash causes him to get injured]
James Franco: Are
Craig Robinson: No,
I'm not okay! Fuck your house, Franco!
[Robinson holds up his
finger which has a small cut that's bleeding]
We should just stay in here, fortify this kitchen, take inventory of
all the food and shit that we have.
[counting their supplies]
Seth Rogen: We
got twelve bottles of water, fifty-six beers, half ounce sour diesel,
one ounce of shrooms, CT Crunch, a Milky Way...
Jonah Hill: Can
I have that Milky Way?
James Franco: No,
you can't have the Milky Way. It's my special food, I like it.
Danny McBride: I
want some of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson: I'd
be pretty bummed if I don't at least get a bite of the Milky Way.
[a man breaks through
the wall with his head]
you gotta let me in! Things have got crazy out here!
I'm sorry. We just don't know you, man. You could be like a looter, or
a rapist, or a titty fucker.
[Seth Rogen grabs his
I'm not a rapist!
You wanna titty fuck us?
If you want me to titty fuck you, I will, so good, all of you'll love
[suddenly there's a
strange noise from the outside]
There's something out here!
[something grabs the man
and Craig Robinson screams]
Dear God, it's me, Jonah Hill... from Moneyball.
I would suck a dick for half a cracker!
This Is 40 (2012)
This sounds horrible, but do you ever wonder what it would like if you
and your wife were separated by something bigger, like death, like her
have given it a fair amount of thought.
in any painful way, but just like a gentle...floating off.
gotta be peaceful, I mean, this is the mother of your children.
then the new wife would be great.
I can't wait to meet my second wife. I hope she likes me better than
[they both laugh]
more This Is 40 Quotes
[Debbie opens the
bathroom door as Pete is sat on the toilet playing crosswords on his
is the fourth time you've gone to the bathroom today. Why is your
instinct to escape?
Pete: It is
my instinct to come into the bathroom when I need to go to the bathroom!
come I don't smell anything?
cause I shoved an altoid up my ass before I came in here.
[Debbie suddenly takes
away his iPad and walks off]
press enter, I'm not sure I wanna make that move!
have responsibilities! I can't afford do sit in my apartment lighting
up, watching porn and going to Tommy's Chili Burgers at three in the
That's not even the order that that happens in!
son said some offensive things about my daughter.
really? You better get her meds right.
me? Your kid is an animal. If he insults my daughter again, he'll be so
[Peter pokes his finger
into Catherine's shoulder]
touched my nipple!
Pete: I got
right below your shoulder!
have very high nipples!
This Is Where I Leave You
[to Paul; referring to
need to put a baby in that woman like yesterday. Have you had your man
parts checked? Cause you may have emptied them over the years.
room was next to yours. My room was next to yours.
more This Is Where I Leave You Quotes
Three months ago I had a great job and a nice apartment and I was in
love with my wife.
[later walks in on his
wife in their bedroom sleeping with his boss, Wade]
Judd Altman: How
[speak at the same time]
This is our first time...
[Judd looks at them]
Wade Beaufort: On
[Wendy calls Judd]
Judd Altman: Hello?
I imagine by now you are well into the excessive facial hair phase of
Judd Altman: This
is not a good time, Wendy.
Wendy Altman: Dad's
Judd Altman: What?
Wendy Altman: She's
Mom. You know? She asked me how much to tip the nurses.
[referring to their
mother, Hilary, at their father's funeral]
Judd Altman: What's
different about her?
Wendy Altman: The
boobs. She had a little touch up.
You father had one final request and we are gonna honor it. He just
wanted his kids under one roof, so for the next seven days you are all
[as he notices Hilary's
robe falling apart revealing her cleavage as makes up his bed]
Judd Altman: Whoops.
We've come apart there. Mom, close that robe.
Hillary Altman: They're
just breasts, Judd. Same ones you suckled at.
Judd Altman: Oh,
mother, those are not the same breasts you nursed us with. You got
bionic breasts now.
Hillary Altman: We
love on our first date.
Judd Altman: Mom...
Hillary Altman: I
don't mind telling you, the man was hung.
Wendy Altman: That
should have been the headstone
Judd Altman: Clearly
she lost more than a husband.
Wendy Altman: Starting
over is complicated, and you don't do complicated, Judd. You never
Judd Altman: I've
this idea about a perfect life, but life is unpredictable and
irrational and complicated. I want a complicated life.
It's hard to see people from your past when your present is so
cataclysmically screwed up.
This Means War (2012)
[we see FDR and Tuck
watching the TV monitor as Lauren and Trish talking about them]
has these tiny, like, girl hands. Like little T-Rex hands.
gross! That means he's got a Mike and Ike for a penis.
[on hearing this Tuck
laughs out hard and FDR turns to Tuck]
You know that's not true. You've seen it. You've seen it in Bangladesh,
you know that's not true.
more This Means War Quotes
I think I'm going to hell
worry. If you're going to hell, I'll just come pick you up.
you ever killed anybody with your bare hands?
[watching Lauren and
Trish talking from a TV monitor]
available, as a friend, if you want me to have sex with both of those
guys, just to test out stuff
and see who comes back a winner and who dies. Just to test stuff and
see who comes back a winner and who doesn't, and they wouldn't even
know it was me, I would pretend I was you. I'd just put my hair up
maybe in a pony, and obviously I'm busy because I'm a mother, but I
would carve out time in my schedule, because that's the kind of friend
[referring to Trish, as
they listen in on their conversation]
FDR Foster: Why
is she listening to that old man?
have no idea.
To Rome with Love (2012)
gave us such a great room. You know, you married a very bright guy. I
got a...I got a hundred and fifty, hundred and sixty I.Q.
You're figuring it in Euro's. In dollars it's much less.
A! TOYYYYY! You aren't
the real Buzz Lightyear! You're...you're an action figure!
[holds his hand up to
indicating something small]
are a child's play
are a sad, strange
little man, and you have my pity.
Mr. Potato Head:
Did you all take Stupid Pills this
Toy Story 3 (2010)
[looking for a way out
of Bonnie's room]
I just need
to get out of here...
is no way out!
[Woody stares at him in
Just kidding. Door's right over there.
[he points to the door]
more Toy Story 3 Quotes
[to the toy
Mr. Potato Head:
I told you kids to stay out of my butt!
Mr. Pricklepants: [to Woody]
Sunnyside is a place of ruin and despair, ruled by an evil bear who
smells of strawberries!
Buzz! We're your friends!
Spare me your lies, temptress! Your emperor's defeated,
and I'm immune to your bewitching good looks.
Eight Oscars, $400
million and you saved Tugg Speedman's career.
couldn't have done it without you, Slolom.
No, dickhead, of
course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job.
more Tropic Thunder
Veronica Mars (2014)
one of these goes over better? "Dad,
I'm marrying a lawyer." Or, "Dad, I'm marrying a private dick."
no one says dick anymore. But what's the difference between a porcupine
and lawyers in a Porsche? On a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.
more Veronica Mars Quotes
My daughter the big shot New York lawyer. You're gonna have your own
Veronica Mars: You
have your own office.
Keith Mars: You'll
Veronica Mars: You're
respected. You're the George Bailey of Neptune.
Keith Mars: Huh.
Veronica Mars: You
know the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? Prostitutes stop
screwing you when you're dead. I got a million of 'em. Tell me one
private detective joke.
Keith Mars: Uh...
Veronica Mars: I
[at the reunion they
stand by the edge of the balcony looking at the
We're here because...?
Because you're a high powered New York City lawyer now and you should
rub that in these people's faces, and because Alexis Link said that
uh...if we were still single in ten years we'd get creative. And there
she is now.
[Weevil walks off; to
Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie: Hey,
as a school success story, it is a moral imperative that I take my
own victory lap.
[Mac walks off leaving
Veronica by herself]
[Veronica goes to join
the reunion party]
Veronica Mars: [voice over] In a
lesser known epic poem, Dante's Inferno 2 "Hell Freezes Over", ten
years after escaping the Nine Circles, Dante returns, you know, for old
times sake. Have a couple shots, catch up with the gang.
[Veronica walks up to
the desk to collect her name badge and sees
Madison at the table]
Madison Sinclair: Name?
Veronica Mars: [voice over] Let's
see if Lucifer's still a bitch.
Madison Sinclair: No
way! You look so different, I barely recognize you.
Really? This look of disdain isn't ringing any bells? Let me try
looking like I think you're an asshole.
Wow. You are still a total loser with no class. How not shocking?
Class still clearly a guiding force in your life.
[handing Veronica her
shocked you even came to this.
Veronica Mars: Is
that so? I
knew you'd be here. Tell the truth. You've been sitting there since
[Madison does a
sarcastic laugh and Veronica walks off]
Oh, hey, look who it is!
[referring to Mac]
Most likely to blog.
[referring to Veronica]
And class buzzkill.
You are just who I was looking for, most likely to know where I can
find the bar.
[Dick opens his jacket,
gyrates his hips and plucks the small flask from his belt]
[he offers the
flask to Veronica]
[he then offers it to
Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
You must be so proud.
I'd stop there.
Oh, what are you gonna do? Use your stun gun on me?
Don't you think that's gotten a bit old?
punches Madison in the face]
enough for ya?
You were issued a Private Investigator's license for your eighteenth
birthday? Before you were twenty your name popped up in fifteen
separate articles and cases ranging from homicides to dognapping. You
have a degree in Psychology, Miss Mars. What do you think that says
about a person?
Compulsive, clearly. Addictive personality. Possible adrenaline junkie,
But that's not me anymore.
The Watch (2012)
[interrogating a teenage
at his face.
at my face.
at this face and listen to me.
at him and listen to me.
at him and understand me. Look at both of us, but understand no one.
Listen to my words, and hear his face.
We're the Millers (2013)
Strip Club Owner:
I need a lap dance, table five. Don't get too close, the guy smells
like asparagus pee and he's got a hook hand.
more We're the Millers Quotes
So how was work this evening, neighbor?
not a neighbor, you're a pot dealer.
I have a smidge of marijuana down in Mexico, bring it back here by
Sunday night, I will pay you one hundred thousand dollars.
David Burke: That's
way out of my league.
Brad Gurdlinger: You
don't have a choice.
You're probably gonna get searched at the border. You could wear a
David Burke: Bane
from Batman, something like that?
[doing an impersonation
of Bane's voice]
David Burke: Aah,
there's no drugs in here. You've nothing to worry about.
[as Rose is giving him a
private lap dance]
David Burke: How
would you like to make ten grand?
David Burke: It's
not drug dealing, it's smuggling. Me crossing the border alone,
huge red flag. But families, they don't get a second look. So I need
you to be my wife.
[she discreetly hits him
in the crotch]
David Burke: Look
I hired this dork that lives in my building, and a little gutter punk.
We just have to dress up like a squeaky clean all American family.
[on the phone to Brad;
referring to the marijuana]
David Burke: This
is not a smidge! You got me move enough weed to kill Willie fucking
David Burke: It
turns out that we stole from an international drug dealer.
all die now, as a family.
not even a real family!
David Burke: My
"wife", she's just a cheap stripper.
[Rose starts stripping
and doing a lap dance as they all watch, David hits Kenny on the back
of his head as he gapes at Rose]
David Burke: Have
some respect, that's your mother.
The World's End (2013)
We are gonna do the Golden Mile, and this time we are going
to see it through to the bitter end. Or...lager end.
more The World's End Quotes
[as gets into the car
and puts on his seat belt]
And we're back, just like The Five Musketeers.
Three Musketeers, isn't it?
Gary King: Well
nobody knows how many there were really, do they?
do know that The Three Musketeers is a fiction, right? Written
by Alexandre Dumas.
Gary King: A
lot of people are saying that about the Bible these days.
that is was written by Alexandre Dumas?
Gary King: Oh,
don't be daft, Steve! It was written by Jesus.
Are we there yet?
Gary King: Let's
[starts the car and
Gary King: [voice
had one of those nights that starts out like any other, but ends up
being the best night of your life? I did. Our goal that night was
simple; twelve pubs, twelve pints, from The First Post to The World's
End. But that night we never made it.
[to the barman]
Gary King: What
do you recommend?
Gary King: We'll
have five of those, please.
Andrew Knightley: Four
of those and a tap water.
Gary King: What?!
are you doing?
Gary King: It's
alright, I'm not trying to have sex with you. There's something I need
to tell you right now, unless you do want to have sex, in which case
I'll tell you afterwards.
me right now.
Well what did he say, Sam?
Haven has been taken over by robots.
[they both rise
together, looking menacing]
Twin Sisters: Did
you believe him?
we head back to London?
Gary King: A:
we're all drunk; B: we've got blood on our hands.
[holds up both hands,
which are covered in a blue stained color]
more like ink.
Gary King: We've
got ink on our hands.
Gary King: We're
just five friends, on a night out, having a good time.
I saw the boys the other day.
Andrew Knightley: Uh-huh.
We're gonna go back to Newton Haven.
Andrew Knightley: Why?
Five guys, twelve pubs, fifty pints.
Andrew Knightley: Sixty
[Gary laughs, not
Steady on, you alchy!
We are gonna get to The World's End if it kills us.
Andrew Knightley: How
can you tell if you're drunk if you're never sober?
Wreck-It Ralph (2012)
[at the Bad-Anon support
I don't wanna be the bad guy anymore.
[the Bad-Anon members
can't mess with the program, Ralph!
You're not going Turbo, are you?
Turbo? No, I'm not going Turbo! Come on, guys! Is it 'Turbo' to want a
friend? Or a medal? Or a piece of pie every once and a while? Is it
'Turbo' to want more out of life?
Ralph, Ralph, we get it. But we can't change who we are. The sooner you
accept that, the better off your game and your life will be.
Hey, one game at a time, Ralph.
let's close out the with Bad Guy affirmation.
[everyone in the group
stands and holds hands]
Clyde, Saitine, Cyborg,
M. Bison, Zombie, Zangief, Bad-Anon Members:
I'm bad, and
that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one
I'd rather be then me.
more Wreck-It Ralph Quotes
You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?
[Ralph takes the glasses
from his face and smashes it over his head]
King Candy: You
hit a guy with glasses! That's...that's well played.
Fear is a four letter word, ladies. You wanna go pee-pee in your big
boy slacks, keep it to yourself.
Vanellope von Schweetz: Everyone
here says I'm just a mistake.
Vanellope von Schweetz:
Wreck-It Ralph: A
medal. I earned it in Heroes Doodie.
Wreck-It Ralph: It's
not that kind of doody.
Vanellope von Schweetz: I
bet you're really gonna want to watch where you step in the game called
Why do I fix everything I touch?!
This is it, ladies! The kitten whispers and
tickle fights end now!
Who in the holy hot cakes are you?!
Do you know what the first rule of Hero's Duty is,
No cuts, no buts, no coconuts?
Yes Man (2008)
[riding on a motor
going too fast for
Nah. In fact, I
think you should go faster. That way if we crash, at least I'll die. I
just don't wanna be kept alive artificially.
more Yes Man
[on the stage singing
with her band]
you met my friend
Ian? He's a computer hacker. He helped me erase your MySpace page, and
your band's MySpace page, and your Facebook page. Happy networking
Carl Allen: [drunk] Hey...I'm
'yes' to life...cuz...you gotta say 'yes' to life...I'm in a secret
covenant...that sounded naughty!
Allen: I am gone-o-reha. That didn't sound right.
are you laughing at?
was just thinking about your penis, and how unusual it must look.
doesn't look unusual.
do you know it's going to work?
I've tested it.
you're vagina is anything like my hand, there will be no problem.
See more Your Highness
Mugatu is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil,
put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as
Derek Zoolander: Well
it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught
my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember
thinking; "wow, you're ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do
that for a career."
what for a career?
Derek Zoolander: Be
professionally good looking.
Why do you
hate models, Matilda?
think they're vain,
stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
totally agree with
you. But how do you feel about male models?
wasn't like every
other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always
more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's
a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero.
The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but
the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about
what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm
doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.
[after he pokes a girl
with a pin]
I'm sorry, did my
pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds
immediately or get out of my building like now!
[after spitting out and
spilling coffee all over his assistant]
Todd! Are you not aware
that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?
There was a
moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish
dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really
spend the rest of my life with this woman."
VH1 Reporter: Derek,
worried about Hansel?
much as I'm worried about Gretel.
guess you can
dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
Total Funny Quotes: 98
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