Funny Movie Quotes and Lines
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She's having her period!
Chloe Grace Moretz:
What do I do?!
Well, we're just gonna have to plug it up!
My friend is bleeding out of her vagina!
I've got frozen pees and a sponge!
more Movie 43 Quotes
Basketball Player #1:
Coach, there's ten thousand people out there that think we ain't good
or lose, I am so proud of you all. You're gonna win! What game are we
Basketball Player #2: Basketball,
color is this game?
Basketball Player #2: White!
all gonna kill those Caucasians!
Basketball Player #3: But
at their fundamentals!
fundamentals! You're black, they're white! This ain't hockey!
many fucking times do I have to tell you! You're black, they're white!
Basketball Player #4: Coach,
what you're saying is, we just walk with the Lord.
Lord did his part already! He made you black, he gave you a foot and a
half dick! Dribble with that, motherfucker!
Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear (1991)
Lt. Frank Drebin:
Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with
your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way
you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to
be thrown down; two, come on out!
people will vote
I'd vote for you.
what are my skills?
have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks.
Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.
Napoleon Dynamite Quotes
be jealous that
I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know
that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and
hit me, Napoleon.
Kip: I said
come down here and
see what happens if you try and hit me.
What about your
things are getting
pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours
every day so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious.
I think you're all fucked in the head. We're 10 hours from the fucking
fun park and you wanna bail out! Well I'll tell you something. This is
no longer a vacation.
It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna
have fun. We're all gonna have so much fucking fun, we'll need plastic
surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling 'Zippity
of your assholes! I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose.
Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!
No Strings Attached
[as Adam and Emma are
having loud sex, Eli walks over to Adams room and bangs loudly on his
focus on my porn with all this real sex going on around me!
See more No
Strings Attached Quotes
Office Space (1999)
one in this country
can ever pronounce my name right. It's...it's not that hard.
Yeah, well, at
least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
nothing wrong with that name.
nothing wrong with it, until I was about twelve years old and that
no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Hmm...well, why don't
you just uh...go by Mike instead of Michael?
No way! Why
should I change? He's the one who sucks.
See more Office Space
Other Guys (2010)
Are you serious?
They sound like a
baby blowing out birthday candles.
more The Other Guys Quotes
At age eleven, I
audited my parents. Believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I
Captain Gene Mauch: You
know what, I'm going to hang onto the wooden gun.
Allen Gamble: To
give me back my real gun?
Gene Mauch: No. I'm going to give you this. It's a rape
blow that if you're in any trouble, and someone with an actual gun will
come and help you out.
[Gamble quietly blows
Do you know who I am?
weird stinky old bum, who lives up the hill?
was asking him!
[points to Norman]
See more ParaNorman
Parental Guidance (2012)
[as Harper walks out of
the dressing room wearing black dress that's a little large]
bad?! She looks like a twelve year old widow.
more Parental Guidance Quotes
[after Barker has spray
fainted his face during the night, Artie wakes up and faces Diane]
Diane Decker: What's
wrong with your face?!
Artie Decker: Oh,
and you're such a pleasure in the morning!
[to Harper's violin
teacher after she tells Harper to practice]
Diane Decker: If
you ever speak to my granddaughter like that again, there will be
nothing left of you but some red hair and an accent! Is that clear,
[as Alice tries to take
the cake Artie gave the kids away from Harper]
You lied to me! Yogurt is not like ice cream!
[rushing Barker into a
Barker Simmons: I
gotta go number two! I gotta go number two!
[staring at the toilet]
Barker Simmons: Daddy
always sings to me.
Artie Decker: Mm.
[Artie starts singing as
he holds Barker on the toilet]
Artie Decker: Come
out, come out, Mr. Doodie, and swim in the swimming pool. I know it's
dark where you're hiding, but out here it's really cool.
of the Caribbean:
On Stranger Tides (2011)
heard where you're headed. The fountain.
you been there?
Does this face look like it's been to the fountain of youth?
on the light.
See more Pirates
of Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Quotes
Miller, you've been smoking item nine for seven minutes and thirteen
seconds. We're going to ask you several questions. How do you feel?
Ah, well, sir,
I feel like a, like a slice of butter...melting on top of a big-ol'
pile of flapjacks...yeah.
Pineapple Express Quotes
so nice they named it twice.
if that Blue
Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had...and they had a baby. And then,
meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red
Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two
babies met and fucked...this would the shit that they birthed.
[Denton smells the
Wow. This is the
product of baby fucking.
Just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to
[he lights a joint and
It's really that
Saul: [exhales] It's,
like, the rarest.
[he examines the joint]
almost a shame to
smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn...with, like, a bomb.
Ha! Just because
your older. You know what? I lost my virginity when I was fourteen.
Dale Denton: Really?!
Angie Anderson: How
have you even slept with?
Like two and a
Two and a half?
What is a half, your hand? That doesn't count!
stoned I am and just how on the verge of death am I right now. Like, am
I seeing shit because I'm stoned or because I have no blood left in my
Dale Denton: Well,
shot like seven times.
shortly passing out from his wounds]
I'm like the nerd at
the sleepover who fell asleep at nine.
It's okay. We
won't put our dicks in your mouth.
The Pirates! Band of
see. I will be Pirate of the Year! And then you'll be laughing on the
other side of your faces. And believe me, that is a very painful thing
more The Pirates! Band of Misfits Quotes
Pirate Captain: Behind
every Captain is a crew. Sure, some of you are ugly as a sea cucumber
and some of you are closer to being a chair or coat rack than a
pirate. And some of you are just fish I've dressed up in a hat. But
you're still the best crew a Captain could wish for.
Pirate Captain: Here's
the plan. We go to London, we get a huge pile of booty, I enter Pirate
of the Year. I win! Bingo!
Peg Leg Hastings:
But it's impossible odds!
Pirate Captain: It's
only impossible if you stop to think about it.
You wanna be Pirate of the Year? Do they just give it to the guy with
the fattest parrot?
She's not fat! She's just big boned.
Black Bellamy: She's
[the parrot spits at
Black Bellamy: Oh,
God! Come on!
Project X (2012)
[referring to the people
at the party]
is way more than a hundred people.
course it is, it's plus one.
more Project X Quotes
are you looking for?
I'm working on something downstairs.
only thing you're working on is diabetes, you fat...
[Costa is writing a text
Costa, what are you doing?
[reading Costa's text]
want your ass too, mommy.
talks like that?
do. It works.
[referring to Astin
Think about it, our balls are where his eyes are.
[as the crowd of party
below chant for J.B to jump off the roof]
do it, man. You're way too fat.
The Proposal (2009)
the full spectrum of human emotion.
in Boots (2011)
You got any idea what they do to eggs in San Ricardo prison?
[Puss stops walking and
the music playing in the tavern also stops]
tell you this, my friend. It
[a cat appears behind
See more Puss in Boots
You're funny lookin'.
You're funny lookin' too!
a funny lookin' shirt.
That's funny lookin' dress!
got funny lookin' eyes.
got a funny lookin' face!
See more Rango Quotes
The Rum Diary (2011)
How does anybody drink a hundred and sixty one miniatures?
they not complimentary?
more The Rum Diary Quotes
Pauk Kemp: I
thought you said you had a TV?
The guy across the alley has a TV. I have binoculars.
Paul Kemp: [voice over] Now
all this might sounds like some crazed hallucination, but it's all
true... I think.
Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)
something bad, you have to fight for it. Step up your game, Scott,
break out the L word.
The other L word.
Seven Psychopaths (2012)
for an eye leaves the whole world blind.
it doesn't. There'll be one guy left with one eye. How's the last blind
guy gonna take out the eye of the last guy left?
more Seven Psychopaths Quotes
how's everything in the dog kidnapping business?
borrowing business, and I ain't talking about that shit neither.
Costello, please don't hurt me.
Where were you walking him, Sharice?
love your dog so much, Mr. Costello, when you're such an angry type
person. You just think it was my fault and drag me back here and tie me
up and kill me.
that was uh...pretty good.
always loved Bonnie, like he was my own child.
I do not want that image in my head. Two...
[turning to one of his
you go and get my fucking dog back!
the hell happened?!
punks jumped us! Said they were looking for a little Shih Tzu. Then
some other punk killed those punks. That's there blood, it's his puke.
You wanna go to the bathroom, clean some of the blood and the puke off
almost got killed today cause you kidnapped the wrong fucking dog.
are we gonna do?
We could take on all the bad guys, maybe in the desert.
do you think we should do in real life?!
Billy, you've gotta give it back.
it back! You don't just give back a kidnapped dog. It defeats the
entire object of the kidnapping!
your hands ups!
I've got a gun!
it doesn't make any sense!
just called up Charlie Costello and I told him to come down and get his
dog back, and said if you have trouble finding us, just look for a
Buick on fire.
that's just fucking great! Oh, great! You know what that is? Do you
know what that is?!
just fucking great!
[to Marty; referring to
me give him a couple of kisses and scratches.
[he looks over and sees
Billy playing with his dog]
friend's a fucking psychopath.
waiting for somebody, old guy?
My name is Zachariah Rigby. I left a message on Billy's telephone.
you screaming about eating my heart off a tray and then shitting on it?
No, I wouldn't do that.
[Billy pauses as he
looks at Zachariah]
you seem normal. Come on in. We gotta get this dog off the street,
cause it's kidnapped from a maniac.
think we should go to the cops.
'em! No fucking cops.
Shrek growls in
Donkey's face to make him scared]
was really scary and if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work,
your breath will certainly get the job done, 'cause you definitely need
some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath STINKS!
time I ate some
rotten berries. Man, there were some strong gases seepin' outta my butt
Farquaad: Run, run,
run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man.
Lord Farquaad: I'm
monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?
Gingerbread Man: Eat
[spits in Farquaad's
they make you cry.
you leave em out in
the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.
Layers! Onions have
layers! Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have
you both have
layers. Oh, you know, not everybody likes onions.
[Shrek is climbing up a
behind him when he sniffs the air]
you gotta warn
somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and
if that was me,
you'd be dead. That's brimstone...we must be getting close
Yeah, right. Brimstone,
don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt and it wasn't
no brimstone and it didn't come off no stone neither.
[looking for a certain
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Man, this
would be so much easier if I wasn't COLOR-BLIND!
can't die on me,
Shrek! I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your
head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich?
not that ugly. All right, you are ugly. But you're only like this at
night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
[counting the money he'd
stolen from the Bat Mitzvah party]
it's not! We need seven thousand more and it's almost eleven o'clock.
Noah, I have an idea. How about you start your own signature fragrance?
a great idea! I'll just alert my team of scientists, have them invent a
new perfume. We'll starting selling it and we'll have seven grand in
the next forty five minutes!
See more The Sitter Quotes
ever taken a
serious political stand on anything?
twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.
physically. I got a Ph.D. in oral sex.
Miles Monroe: Yeah,
you take any Spanish with that?
Oh, I see. You
don't believe in science, and you also don't believe that political
systems work, and you don't believe in God, huh?
Luna Schlosser: So
do you believe in?
Sex and death,
two things that come once in a lifetime...but at least after death,
you're not nauseous.
My brain! It's my
second favorite organ!
When I asked my
mother where babies came from, she thought I said 'rabies'. She said
you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my
block gave birth to triplets...I thought she'd been bitten by a great
Perform sex? Uh...uh, I don't think I'm up to a performance, but I'll
rehearse with you,
if you like.
Okay. I just
thought you might want to; they have a machine here.
Miles Monroe: Machine?
getting into that thing. I...I'm strictly a hand operator. You know,
I...I...I don't like anything with moving parts that are not my own.
Miles Monroe: We're
see the nose. I hear it was running.
I'm not really
the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.
Where am I
anyhow, I mean, what happened to everybody, where are all my friends?
Dr. Aragon: You
understand that everyone you knew in the past has been dead nearly two
But they all ate
I don't know what
the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting
Miles Monroe: This
tastes awful. I could make a fortune selling it in my health food store.
Luna Schlosser: Sex
different now. There are no problems. Everyone is frigid now.
Miles Monroe: So
all the men
except for those whose ancestors were Italian.
I knew there was
something in that pasta.
have a belly full
of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this shit on me?
house is a
On Planet Bullshit!
In the galaxy of
This Sucks Camel Dicks!
Robert Doback: When I was a kid, when I was a little boy,
always wanted to be a dinosaur, I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more
than anything in the world, I made my arms short and I roamed the back
yard, I chased the neighborhood cats, I growled and I roared, everybody
knew me and was afraid of me, and one day my dad said, "Bobby you are
17, it's time to throw childish things aside", and I said, "OK Pop",
he didn't really say that, he said, "Stop being a fucking dinosaur
and get a job."
Dr. Robert Doback:
You have one
month to find jobs or you're out on your asses. I will arrange
interviews for Monday and you will go!
Dad, why are you
talking to me like this? I'm your son.
Dr. Robert Doback:
buying that crap anymore!
Therapist: So, Dale. I don't know how much you know about
therapy, but it usually starts by you telling me a little something
I work at a
college as a janitor even though I feel like I'm smarter than most of
the people who go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a
blackboard, like half an equation, and...I just figure it out.
Is this Good
It sounds a lot
like the plot of Good Will Hunting.
Yeah. Anyway. My
best friend is Ben Affleck.
yelled rape at the
top of your lungs!
Mom, I honestly
thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in
his eyes. And at one point he said, "Lets get it on."
That was about the
fighting. I am so not a raper!
Look, I didn't
touch your drum set, okay?
I witnessed with
my eyes your testicles touching my drum set.
[to Rapunzel, after they
enter the Snuggly Duckling]
You smell that? Take a deep breath through the nose.
[he takes a deep breath]
Really let that
seep in. What are you getting? Because to me it's part man-smell and
the other part is really bad man-smell. I don't know why, but overall
it just smells like the color brown. Your thoughts?
[Ted is dressed in a
suit and tie as John helps him find a job]
you don't. You look dapper.
don't! I look like Snuggles accountant.
on. It's not that bad.
look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma
I know it sucks, okay? But you gotta make some money so you can pay for
don't wanna work at a grocery store.
but you have no skills.
you, I can totally be a lawyer.
See more Ted Quotes
That's My Boy (2012)
[as they are drinking at
a spa club at Todd's bachelor party, Donny spits out his drink]
the fuck is this?
It's water infused with cucumber, rose petal and harvest sandylion.
tastes like fucking dick infused with balls!
This Is 40 (2012)
This sounds horrible, but do you ever wonder what it would like if you
and your wife were separated by something bigger, like death, like her
have given it a fair amount of thought.
in any painful way, but just like a gentle...floating off.
gotta be peaceful, I mean, this is the mother of your children.
then the new wife would be great.
I can't wait to meet my second wife. I hope she likes me better than
[they both laugh]
more This Is 40 Quotes
[Debbie opens the
bathroom door as Pete is sat on the toilet playing crosswords on his
is the fourth time you've gone to the bathroom today. Why is your
instinct to escape?
Pete: It is
my instinct to come into the bathroom when I need to go to the bathroom!
come I don't smell anything?
cause I shoved an altoid up my ass before I came in here.
[Debbie suddenly takes
away his iPad and walks off]
press enter, I'm not sure I wanna make that move!
have responsibilities! I can't afford do sit in my apartment lighting
up, watching porn and going to Tommy's Chili Burgers at three in the
That's not even the order that that happens in!
son said some offensive things about my daughter.
really? You better get her meds right.
me? Your kid is an animal. If he insults my daughter again, he'll be so
[Peter pokes his finger
into Catherine's shoulder]
touched my nipple!
Pete: I got
right below your shoulder!
have very high nipples!
This Means War (2012)
[we see FDR and Tuck
watching the TV monitor as Lauren and Trish talking about them]
has these tiny, like, girl hands. Like little T-Rex hands.
gross! That means he's got a Mike and Ike for a penis.
[on hearing this Tuck
laughs out hard and FDR turns to Tuck]
You know that's not true. You've seen it. You've seen it in Bangladesh,
you know that's not true.
more This Means War Quotes
I think I'm going to hell
worry. If you're going to hell, I'll just come pick you up.
you ever killed anybody with your bare hands?
[watching Lauren and
Trish talking from a TV monitor]
available, as a friend, if you want me to have sex with both of those
guys, just to test out stuff
and see who comes back a winner and who dies. Just to test stuff and
see who comes back a winner and who doesn't, and they wouldn't even
know it was me, I would pretend I was you. I'd just put my hair up
maybe in a pony, and obviously I'm busy because I'm a mother, but I
would carve out time in my schedule, because that's the kind of friend
[referring to Trish, as
they listen in on their conversation]
FDR Foster: Why
is she listening to that old man?
have no idea.
To Rome with Love (2012)
gave us such a great room. You know, you married a very bright guy. I
got a...I got a hundred and fifty, hundred and sixty I.Q.
You're figuring it in Euro's. In dollars it's much less.
A! TOYYYYY! You aren't
the real Buzz Lightyear! You're...you're an action figure!
[holds his hand up to
indicating something small]
are a child's play
are a sad, strange
little man, and you have my pity.
Mr. Potato Head:
Did you all take Stupid Pills this
Toy Story 3 (2010)
[looking for a way out
of Bonnie's room]
I just need
to get out of here...
is no way out!
[Woody stares at him in
Just kidding. Door's right over there.
[he points to the door]
more Toy Story 3 Quotes
[to the toy
Mr. Potato Head:
I told you kids to stay out of my butt!
Mr. Pricklepants: [to Woody]
Sunnyside is a place of ruin and despair, ruled by an evil bear who
smells of strawberries!
Buzz! We're your friends!
Spare me your lies, temptress! Your emperor's defeated,
and I'm immune to your bewitching good looks.
Eight Oscars, $400
million and you saved Tugg Speedman's career.
couldn't have done it without you, Slolom.
No, dickhead, of
course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job.
more Tropic Thunder
The Watch (2012)
[interrogating a teenage
at his face.
at my face.
at this face and listen to me.
at him and listen to me.
at him and understand me. Look at both of us, but understand no one.
Listen to my words, and hear his face.
Wreck-It Ralph (2012)
[at the Bad-Anon support
I don't wanna be the bad guy anymore.
[the Bad-Anon members
can't mess with the program, Ralph!
You're not going Turbo, are you?
Turbo? No, I'm not going Turbo! Come on, guys! Is it 'Turbo' to want a
friend? Or a medal? Or a piece of pie every once and a while? Is it
'Turbo' to want more out of life?
Ralph, Ralph, we get it. But we can't change who we are. The sooner you
accept that, the better off your game and your life will be.
Hey, one game at a time, Ralph.
let's close out the with Bad Guy affirmation.
[everyone in the group
stands and holds hands]
Clyde, Saitine, Cyborg,
M. Bison, Zombie, Zangief, Bad-Anon Members:
I'm bad, and
that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one
I'd rather be then me.
more Wreck-It Ralph Quotes
You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?
[Ralph takes the glasses
from his face and smashes it over his head]
King Candy: You
hit a guy with glasses! That's...that's well played.
Fear is a four letter word, ladies. You wanna go pee-pee in your big
boy slacks, keep it to yourself.
Vanellope von Schweetz: Everyone
here says I'm just a mistake.
Vanellope von Schweetz:
Wreck-It Ralph: A
medal. I earned it in Heroes Doodie.
Wreck-It Ralph: It's
not that kind of doody.
Vanellope von Schweetz: I
bet you're really gonna want to watch where you step in the game called
Why do I fix everything I touch?!
This is it, ladies! The kitten whispers and
tickle fights end now!
Who in the holy hot cakes are you?!
Do you know what the first rule of Hero's Duty is,
No cuts, no buts, no coconuts?
Yes Man (2008)
[riding on a motor
going too fast for
Nah. In fact, I
think you should go faster. That way if we crash, at least I'll die. I
just don't wanna be kept alive artificially.
more Yes Man
[on the stage singing
with her band]
you met my friend
Ian? He's a computer hacker. He helped me erase your MySpace page, and
your band's MySpace page, and your Facebook page. Happy networking
Carl Allen: [drunk] Hey...I'm
'yes' to life...cuz...you gotta say 'yes' to life...I'm in a secret
covenant...that sounded naughty!
Allen: I am gone-o-reha. That didn't sound right.
are you laughing at?
was just thinking about your penis, and how unusual it must look.
doesn't look unusual.
do you know it's going to work?
I've tested it.
you're vagina is anything like my hand, there will be no problem.
See more Your Highness
Mugatu is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil,
put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as
Derek Zoolander: Well
it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught
my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember
thinking; "wow, you're ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do
that for a career."
what for a career?
Derek Zoolander: Be
professionally good looking.
Why do you
hate models, Matilda?
think they're vain,
stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
totally agree with
you. But how do you feel about male models?
wasn't like every
other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always
more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's
a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero.
The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but
the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about
what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm
doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.
[after he pokes a girl
with a pin]
I'm sorry, did my
pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds
immediately or get out of my building like now!
[after spitting out and
spilling coffee all over his assistant]
Todd! Are you not aware
that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?
There was a
moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish
dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really
spend the rest of my life with this woman."
VH1 Reporter: Derek,
worried about Hansel?
much as I'm worried about Gretel.
guess you can
dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
Total Funny Quotes: 81
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