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The King’s Speech (2010)
Lionel Logue: Do you know the ‘f’ word?
King George VI: Ffff…fornication?
Kung Fu Panda 2 (2011)
[as he sees that Po is alive]
Shen: How many times do I have to kill the same stinking panda?!
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Last Vegas (2013)
Drunk Girl: Do you guys have drugs?
Sam: Does Lipitor count?
The Lego Movie (2014)
Batman: If anybody has black parts I need them, okay? I only work in black. And sometimes very, very dark grey.
Batman: Babe, look. If this relationship is ever gonna work between us, I need to feel free to party with a bunch of strangers whenever I feel like it.
See more The Lego Movie Quotes
Life of Brian (1979)
Brian’s mother: He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy!
[to the crowd]
Brian: I’m not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, fuck off!
[everyone goes silent]
Arthur: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
[end of the movie]
Lead Singer Crucifee: [singing] Life’s a piece of shit when you look at it. Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke. It’s true!
Little Miss Sunshine (2006)
Richard: Sarcasm is the refuge of losers.
Frank: [sarcastically] It is? Really?
Richard: Sarcasm is losers trying to bring winners down to their level.
Frank: [sarcastically] Wow, Richard, you’ve really opened my eyes to what a loser I am. How much do I owe you for those pearls of wisdom?
Richard: Oh, that ones on the house.
[getting pulled over by the police]
Richard: Oh my God, I’m getting pulled over. Everyone, just…pretend to be normal.
Grandpa: Jesus, I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. You know how tired I am? If a girl came up to me and begged me to fuck her, I couldn’t do it. That’s how tired I am.
Dwayne: You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. You know, school, then college, then work, fuck that. And fuck the air force academy. If I wanna fly, I’ll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest.
Frank: I’m glad you’re talking again, Dwayne. You’re not nearly as stupid as you look.
A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014)
[comes out of the bar drunk and goes to his horse]
Albert: I’m gonna get a running start.
Edward: Dude, you really shouldn’t drink and horse.
[Albert goes to jump onto his horse but misses and lands on the ground on the other side]
Albert: The American West is a terrible place in time. Everything out here that’s not you wants to kill you. Angry drunk people, hungry animals, outlaws, the fucking doctor.
[cut to a funeral]
Dr. Harper: I couldn’t save her.
Albert: She had a splinter, doc. What the hell were you supposed to do?
Albert: Welcome to our awesome town.
Anna: What’s with this fair?
Albert: Every year people die.
[they look over to a photographer getting ready to take a photo of a couple]
Photographer: Everybody, hold still.
[as he uses the flash to take the photo it suddenly explodes, sets the photographer on fire and kills him, the couple scream as they are on fire and two people in the crowd shoot them dead]
Anna: People die at the fair.
Albert: People die at the fair.
[spots Louise walking over with Foy towards them]
Albert: Oh, my God. I just broke up with her. Quick, just pretend you’re my girlfriend.
[as Louise and Foy reach them]
Anna: I’m his girlfriend. A lot of sexual activity…
Albert: All the time. It’s, I…I live inside her. So if you wanna send me a letter, you gotta address it “care of her vagina.”
[enters a bar]
Clinch: Somebody in this town is going to die.
[whispering to Edward]
Albert: Oh, my God. Somebody’s gonna get fucked up.
[cut to Clinch busting into Edward’s house as he’s in bed with Ruth]
Edward: Please don’t shoot us on sex night!
Albert: Wow, you look amazing!
Anna: I really love that the most alluring fashion today is to simulate a fat ass.
[she turns and shows him the back of her dress]
Albert: If I was a black guy, this is the meanest trick you could play on me.
Ruth: Woh, that was a long day. This one man wanted me to smoke a cigar and then like ash on his balls while I’m jerking him off, and it was just like, what? Can I do this? But I did.
Edward: Wow. So you’re job is so interesting cause no two days are alike.
Anna: What do you say I steal a bottle of whiskey and we hit the road?
Albert: I love that idea.
[she walks over to the bar and says to the bartender]
Anna: Your dick’s out.
[as the bartender turns she grabs the bottle of whiskey from the bar counter and walks off]
The Man with Two Brains (1983)
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!
Dr. Necessiter’s butler: Can I get you anything more, doctor? I’m about to retire.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Really? You seem so young.
Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
Constantine the Frog: My name will go down in history as greatest thief of all time.
Dominic Badguy: You mean our names, right?
Constantine the Frog: Of course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar, your name.
Kermit: Not one single person noticed I’d been replaced by an evil criminal mastermind?!
Fozzie Bear: It sounds worse than it was.
Walter: No, it’s as bad as it sounds.
Kermit: I am not Constantine!
[the officer walks away]
Russian GULAG Officer: Lights out.
[the lights go out and we hear a crashing noise]
Russian GULAG Officer: Turn them back on, I can’t see anything!
[the lights are turned back on]
Russian GULAG Officer: You have to wait until I’m like out of the hallway.
[pretending to be Kermit]
Constantine the Frog: I am Kermit. And now you guys have all the freedom you want.
Gonzo: When do I do the indoor running of the bulls?
Dominic Badguy: Dominic. International tour manager.
[he puts his business card on the table in front of the muppets, Fozzie reads his name]
Fozzie Bear: Dominic Badguy?
Dominic Badguy: “Badjee”. It’s French.
Walter: Do you guys think that Kermit’s been acting a little weird lately?
Miss Piggy: That’s ridiculous! He’s never been more caring and devoted to me.
Rizzo: Yeah, that’s what we’re saying!
Walter: There’s only one guy in this world who can save us. Only one frog who can restore order. Bring justice and set things right.
Fozzie Bear: You are talking about Kermit, right?
Dominic Badguy: The world capital of comedy…Berlin, Germany.
Miss Piggy: Ich bin ein Berliner.
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: More like, I’m Frankfurter!
[the muppets laugh]
Miss Piggy: Watch it, buster.
The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear (1991)
Lt. Frank Drebin: This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to be thrown down; two, come on out!
Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes! I’d vote for you.
Pedro: Like what are my skills?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you’re really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you’re like the only guy at school who has a mustache.
Kip: Napoleon, don’t be jealous that I’ve been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I’m training to be a cage fighter.
Napoleon Dynamite: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: What?
Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
Uncle Rico: What about your girlfriend?
Kip: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day so I guess you could say things are gettin’ pretty serious.
National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983)
Clark Griswold: I think you’re all fucked in the head. We’re 10 hours from the fucking fun park and you wanna bail out! Well I’ll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun and you’re gonna have fun. We’re all gonna have so much fucking fun, we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You’ll be whistling ‘Zippity Do-da’ out of your assholes! I gotta be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!
No Strings Attached (2011)
[as Adam and Emma are having loud sex, Eli walks over to Adams room and bangs loudly on his door]
Eli: I can’t focus on my porn with all this real sex going on around me!
See more No Strings Attached Quotes
Office Space (1999)
Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It’s…it’s not that hard. Na-ghee-na-na-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, at least your name isn’t Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know, there’s nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it, until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm…well, why don’t you just uh…go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change? He’s the one who sucks.
See more Office Space Quotes
The Other Guys (2010)
Terry Hoitz: Your farts aren’t manly.
Allen Gamble: Are you serious?
Terry Hoitz: They sound like a baby blowing out birthday candles.
Allen Gamble: At age eleven, I audited my parents. Believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.
Captain Gene Mauch: You know what, I’m going to hang onto the wooden gun.
Allen Gamble: To give me back my real gun?
Captain Gene Mauch: No. I’m going to give you this. It’s a rape whistle. You blow that if you’re in any trouble, and someone with an actual gun will come and help you out.
[Gamble quietly blows the whistle]
Mr. Prenderghast: Do you know who I am?
Neil: The weird stinky old bum, who lives up the hill?
Mr. Prenderghast: I was asking him!
[points to Norman]
See more ParaNorman Quotes
Penguins of Madagascar (2014)
Skipper: We got a soggy mad man to stop.
Classified: I give the orders round here.
[turning to Short Fuse]
Classified: You were supposed to handcuff them!
Short Fuse: But they don’t have hands, they just have flippers and I have flippers. So it’s flipping useless!
Dave: Nicolas! Cage them!
Dave: Helen, hunt them down!
Dave: Charlize, they’re on the ray!
Dave: Elijah, would you please take them away.
Dave: William! Hurt them!
Dave: Drew! Barry! More power!
Dave: Hugh! Jack! Man the battle stations!
Dave: Robin, write this down!
Dave: Halle, bury them!
Dave: Kevin, bake on! We’re still going to need that victory cake!
Skipper: Leopard seals! Nature’s snakes.
Kowalski: Aren’t snakes nature’s snakes?
Skipper: How should I know? I live in a flippin’ frozen tundra!
Narrator: Antarctica, an inhospitable wasteland, but even here, on the Earth’s frozen bottom, we find life. And not just any life: penguins. Joyous, frolicking, waddling, cute and cuddly life. Look at them, tumbling onto their chubby bum bums. Who could take these frisky little snow-clowns…
[as the older penguins almost fall on baby Skipper, Rico and Kowalski, they quickly move out of the way]
Skipper: Seriously? Does anyone even know where we’re marching to?
Penguin 1: Who cares.
Penguin 2: I question nothing.
Penguin 3: Me, too.
Penguin 4: Me, too.
Skipper: Well, fine. We’ll just fly to the front of the line and see for ourselves. Kowalski, Rico, engage aerial surveillance.
[the three penguins start flapping their wings to fly but find that they can’t]
Kowalski: Skipper, we appear to be flightless.
[looking at his wings]
Skipper: Oh, well, what’s the point of these?
[suddenly Rico slaps Skipper wing like a high five]
Skipper: Oh, I like it. Hey, this could be our thing. What do you call it? Let’s call it the, uh… high one.
[after Private’s egg hatches]
Private: Are you my family?
[the three penguins turn and nod to each other before turning back to face Private]
Kowalski: You don’t have a family, and we’re all gonna die.
[Skipper elbows Kowalski]
Kowalski: What? I thought that was what we were all nodding about.
[Skipper hits Kowalski]
Skipper: No one’s gonna die. You know what you got, kid? You’ve got us. We’ve got each other. And if that ain’t a family, I don’t know what is.
Skipper: What’s our trajectory?
Kowalski: Ninety-five percent certain we’re still doomed.
Skipper: And the, uh…other five percent.
Kowalski: Adventuring and glory like no penguins have ever seen before.
Skipper: I’ll take that action.
Skipper: Private, if you could have anything you wanted in the whole wide world, what would it be?
Private: I think to be a meaningful and valued member of this team.
Skipper: Ah, well, we got you something else.
[we see a vending machine in the distance]
Skipper: Last bits of popped heaven called…
Private: Cheezy dibbles!
[Skipper gives private a coin]
Skipper: Now get to that machine and get your present.
[Private tosses the coin into the machine and tries to reach in to slot get the packet]
Skipper: As elite units go, we’re the elitist of the elite. Top shelf in the bureau. The penultimates.
[as Private struggles to get the packet out from the vending machine he ends up getting pulled into the machine]
Skipper: Plus one.
[Skipper looks around and sees Private missing]
Skipper: Where did Private go?
[they walk over closer to the vending machine]
Kowalski: Oh, there he is.
[they see Private is stuck up in the machine]
Skipper: How much is he?
Kowalski: He’s three dollars and fifty cents, sir.
Skipper: Well that’s outrageous. Even for Private.
[suddenly and octopus tentacle comes out of vending machine slot, grabs Rico and takes him into the machine]
Kowalski: Sir, the machine is alive!
[the octopus tentacle comes out of vending machine again and takes Kowalski]
Skipper: Well, I don’t think I like your attitude, vending machine. Or your prices! Release them!
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)
Captain Teague: I heard where you’re headed. The fountain.
Jack Sparrow: Have you been there?
Captain Teague: Does this face look like it’s been to the fountain of youth?
Jack Sparrow: Depends on the light.
See more Pirates of Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Quotes
Pineapple Express (2008)
Scientist: Private Miller, you’ve been smoking item nine for seven minutes and thirteen seconds. We’re going to ask you several questions. How do you feel?
Private Miller: Ah, well, sir, I feel like a, like a slice of butter…melting on top of a big-ol’ pile of flapjacks…yeah.
Dale Denton: Couscous…the food’s so nice they named it twice.
Saul: This is like if that Blue Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had…and they had a baby. And then, meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two babies met and fucked…this would the shit that they birthed.
[Denton smells the marijuana]
Dale Denton: Wow. This is the product of baby fucking.
Saul: Just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to mankind.
[he lights a joint and inhales]
Dale Denton: It’s really that rare?
Saul: [exhales] It’s, like, the rarest.
[he examines the joint]
Saul: It’s almost a shame to smoke it. It’s like killing a unicorn…with, like, a bomb.
Angie Anderson: Oh! Ha! Just because your older. You know what? I lost my virginity when I was fourteen.
Dale Denton: Really?!
Angie Anderson: How many women have you even slept with?
Dale Denton: Like two and a half.
Angie Anderson: Two and a half? What is a half, your hand? That doesn’t count!
Red: I’m trying to decide how stoned I am and just how on the verge of death am I right now. Like, am I seeing shit because I’m stoned or because I have no blood left in my body.
Dale Denton: Well, you’ve been shot like seven times.
[Red regains consciousness after shortly passing out from his wounds]
Red: I’m like the nerd at the sleepover who fell asleep at nine.
Dale Denton: It’s okay. We won’t put our dicks in your mouth.
The Proposal (2009)
Margaret Tate: What am I allergic to?
Andrew Paxton: Pine nuts, and the full spectrum of human emotion.
Puss in Boots (2011)
Humpty Dumpty: You got any idea what they do to eggs in San Ricardo prison?
[Puss stops walking and the music playing in the tavern also stops]
Humpty Dumpty: I’ll tell you this, my friend. It ain’t over-easy!
[a cat appears behind Humpty]
Ohhh Cat: Ohhh!
See more Puss in Boots Quotes
Rango: Is this heaven?
Spirit of the West: No. If it were, we’d be eatin’ pop tarts with Kim Novak.
See more Rango Quotes
The Rum Diary (2011)
Lotterman: How does anybody drink a hundred and sixty one miniatures?
Pauk Kemp: Are they not complimentary?
Pauk Kemp: I thought you said you had a TV?
Bob Sala: The guy across the alley has a TV. I have binoculars.
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)
Wallace Wells: If you want something bad, you have to fight for it. Step up your game, Scott, break out the L word.
Scott Pilgrim: Lesbian?
Wallace Wells: The other L word.
Scott Pilgrim: Lesbians?
Seven Psychopaths (2012)
Hans: An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.
Billy: No, it doesn’t. There’ll be one guy left with one eye. How’s the last blind guy gonna take out the eye of the last guy left?
[after Shrek growls in Donkey’s face to make him scared]
Donkey: Wow, that was really scary and if you don’t mind me saying, if that don’t work, your breath will certainly get the job done, ’cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something ’cause your breath stinks!
Donkey: And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man, there were some strong gases seepin’ outta my butt that day!
[snapping off Gingerbread Man’s legs]
Lord Farquaad: Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread Man.
Gingerbread Man: You’re a monster.
Lord Farquaad: I’m not the monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?
Gingerbread Man: Eat me!
[spits in Farquaad’s face]
Shrek: Ogres are like onions.
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes. No!
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry.
Donkey: Oh, you leave em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs.
Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers! Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh, you know, not everybody likes onions.
[Shrek is climbing up a rock and Donkey is behind him when he sniffs the air]
Donkey: Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and everything.
Shrek: Donkey, if that was me, you’d be dead. That’s brimstone…we must be getting close
Donkey: Yeah, right. Brimstone, don’t be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt and it wasn’t no brimstone and it didn’t come off no stone neither.
[looking for a certain type of flower]
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Man, this would be so much easier if I wasn’t color-blind!
The Donkey: You can’t die on me, Shrek! I’m too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich?
The Donkey: C’mon, princess, you’re not that ugly. All right, you are ugly. But you’re only like this at night. Shrek’s ugly 24/7.
The Sitter (2011)
[counting the money he’d stolen from the Bat Mitzvah party]
Noah Griffith: Three thousand bucks.
Blithe: Is that good?
Noah Griffith: No, it’s not! We need seven thousand more and it’s almost eleven o’clock.
Blithe: Hey, Noah, I have an idea. How about you start your own signature fragrance?
Noah Griffith: That’s a great idea! I’ll just alert my team of scientists, have them invent a new perfume. We’ll starting selling it and we’ll have seven grand in the next forty five minutes!
See more The Sitter Quotes
Dr. Melik: Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
Miles Monroe: Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.
Luna Schlosser: I’m great physically. I got a Ph.D. in oral sex.
Miles Monroe: Yeah, they make you take any Spanish with that?
Luna Schlosser: Oh, I see. You don’t believe in science, and you also don’t believe that political systems work, and you don’t believe in God, huh?
Miles Monroe: Right.
Luna Schlosser: So then, what do you believe in?
Miles Monroe: Sex and death, two things that come once in a lifetime…but at least after death, you’re not nauseous.
Miles Monroe: My brain! It’s my second favorite organ!
Miles Monroe: When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said ‘rabies’. She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets…I thought she’d been bitten by a great dane.
Miles Monroe: Perform sex? Uh…uh, I don’t think I’m up to a performance, but I’ll rehearse with you, if you like.
Luna Schlosser: Okay. I just thought you might want to; they have a machine here.
Miles Monroe: Machine? I’m not getting into that thing. I…I’m strictly a hand operator. You know, I…I…I don’t like anything with moving parts that are not my own.
Miles Monroe: We’re here to see the nose. I hear it was running.
Miles Monroe: I’m not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.
Miles Monroe: Where am I anyhow, I mean, what happened to everybody, where are all my friends?
Dr. Aragon: You must understand that everyone you knew in the past has been dead nearly two hundred years.
Miles Monroe: But they all ate organic rice!
Miles Monroe: I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.
Miles Monroe: This stuff tastes awful. I could make a fortune selling it in my health food store.
Luna Schlosser: Sex is different now. There are no problems. Everyone is frigid now.
Miles Monroe: So all the men are impotent.
Luna Schlosser: Pretty much, except for those whose ancestors were Italian.
Miles Monroe: I knew there was something in that pasta.
Anton: Who the fuck are you?
Susan Cooper: I’m the person that’s gonna cut your dick off and glue it to your forehead so you look like a limp-dick unicorn! That’s who the fuck I am!
See more Spy Quotes
Step Brothers (2008)
Brennan Huff: I have a belly full of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this shit on me?
Brennan Huff: This house is a fucking prison!
Dale Doback: On Planet Bullshit!
Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!
Dr. Robert Doback: When I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur, I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world, I made my arms short and I roamed the back yard, I chased the neighborhood cats, I growled and I roared, everybody knew me and was afraid of me, and one day my dad said, “Bobby you are 17, it’s time to throw childish things aside”, and I said, “Okay, Pop”, but he didn’t really say that, he said, “Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job.”
Dr. Robert Doback: You have one month to find jobs or you’re out on your asses. I will arrange interviews for Monday and you will go!
Dale Doback: Dad, why are you talking to me like this? I’m your son.
Dr. Robert Doback: I’m not buying that crap anymore!
Male Therapist: So, Dale. I don’t know how much you know about therapy, but it usually starts by you telling me a little something about yourself.
Dale Doback: I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I’m smarter than most of the people who go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard, like half an equation, and…I just figure it out.
Male Therapist: Is this Good Will Hunting?
Dale Doback: No.
Male Therapist: It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting.
Dale Doback: Yeah. Anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck.
Nancy Huff: You yelled rape at the top of your lungs!
Brennan Huff: Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, “Lets get it on.”
Dale Doback: That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper!
Brennan Huff: Look, I didn’t touch your drum set, okay?
Dale Doback: I witnessed with my eyes your testicles touching my drum set.
[to Rapunzel, after they enter the Snuggly Duckling]
Flynn Rider: You smell that? Take a deep breath through the nose.
[he takes a deep breath]
Flynn Rider: Really let that seep in. What are you getting? Because to me it’s part man-smell and the other part is really bad man-smell. I don’t know why, but overall it just smells like the color brown. Your thoughts?
[Ted is dressed in a suit and tie as John helps him find a job]
Ted: I look stupid.
John Bennett: No, you don’t. You look dapper.
Ted: I don’t! I look like Snuggles accountant.
John Bennett: Come on. It’s not that bad.
Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell ’em Grandma died.
John Bennett: Look, I know it sucks, okay? But you gotta make some money so you can pay for an apartment.
Ted: I don’t wanna work at a grocery store.
John Bennett: Yeah, but you have no skills.
Ted: I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.
See more Ted Quotes
Ted 2 (2015)
Samantha: Do I have “Fuck me” eyes?
Ted: No, you have the “Give us the ring, my precious” eyes.
See more Ted 2 Quotes
That’s My Boy (2012)
[as they are drinking at a spa club at Todd’s bachelor party, Donny spits out his drink]
Donny Levine: What the fuck is this?
Mrs. Ravensdale: It’s water infused with cucumber, rose petal and harvest sandylion.
Donny Levine: It tastes like fucking dick infused with balls!
This is the End (2013)
[talking into his camera]
James Franco: Emma Watson showed up.
[we see Emma threatening them with an ax]
Emma Watson: Give me everything you have to drink!
Seth Rogen: There are six of us! You cannot rob us!
Emma Watson: I’m not fucking around!
[Emma hits Seth Rogen in the face with then end of her ax]
Seth Rogen: Aah!
[pointing to their supplies]
Craig Robinson: Giver her the drinks!
[talking into the camera]
Danny McBride: Hermione just stole all of our shit! And Jay suggested that we rape her. I think the only reason he did that is because he knows he’s about two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.
[referring to James Franco’s house]
Seth Rogen: This place is beautiful, man.
James Franco: This place is like a piece of me. You two just stepped inside me.
Seth Rogen: You let us both come inside you! Yeah!
James Franco: Boom!
Jay Baruchel: Thanks, Jame Franco.
Mindy Kaling: Oh, my God. If I don’t fuck Michael Cera tonight, I’m gonna blow my brains out.
Jay Baruchel: What?!
Mindy Kaling: Fucking pale, a hundred and ten pounds, hairless, probably has a huge cock.
Seth Rogen: He has a weird face.
Mindy Kaling: Ah, so hot!
[Michael Cera blows some powder into Christopher Mintz-Plasse’s face]
Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Ooh! What did you just fucking blow on me?!
Jonah Hill: Don’t worry, it’s just heroin.
Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Are you shitting me?!
Jonah Hill: I was kidding, it’s cocaine. But that’s still very bad.
Danny McBride: For all we know The Lakers could have just won and that’s the reason why all this is happening.
Jay Baruchel: I think it’s the apocalypse. It’s all in here.
[he holds up the Bible; reads a passage from the Bible]
Jay Baruchel: And he opened the bottomless pit.
Seth Rogen: It’s a sink hole. Every single time I turn on the news, sink hole in South America, bunch of South Americans are getting sucked into the ground.
Jonah Hill: Sinked hole in my house.
Seth Rogen: It’s already going crazy out there, guys! I’m not leaving, okay? I’m a victim! When I was a kid I had man tities, the bullies held me down, they titty fucked me!
Craig Robinson: We are actors! We pretend to be hard, man! We solve this baby shit!
[they hear a helicopter outside]
James Franco: Helicopter! It’s gonna be fine!
[they watch as the helicopter falls and crashes, exploding, Craig Robinson screams in pain as the crash causes him to get injured]
James Franco: Are you okay?
Craig Robinson: No, I’m not okay! Fuck your house, Franco!
[Robinson holds up his finger which has a small cut that’s bleeding]
Danny McBride: We should just stay in here, fortify this kitchen, take inventory of all the food and shit that we have.
[counting their supplies]
Seth Rogen: We got twelve bottles of water, fifty-six beers, half ounce sour diesel, one ounce of shrooms, CT Crunch, a Milky Way…
Jonah Hill: Can I have that Milky Way?
James Franco: No, you can’t have the Milky Way. It’s my special food, I like it.
Danny McBride: I want some of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson: I’d be pretty bummed if I don’t at least get a bite of the Milky Way.
[a man breaks through the wall with his head]
Man: Please, you gotta let me in! Things have got crazy out here!
James Franco: I’m sorry. We just don’t know you, man. You could be like a looter, or a rapist, or a titty fucker.
[Seth Rogen grabs his chest]
Man: I’m not a rapist!
Seth Rogen: You wanna titty fuck us?
Man: If you want me to titty fuck you, I will, so good, all of you’ll love it!
[suddenly there’s a strange noise from the outside]
Man: There’s something out here!
[something grabs the man and Craig Robinson screams]
Craig Robinson: I would suck a dick for half a cracker!
This Is 40 (2012)
Pete: This sounds horrible, but do you ever wonder what it would like if you and your wife were separated by something bigger, like death, like her death?
Barry: I have given it a fair amount of thought.
Pete: Not in any painful way, but just like a gentle…floating off.
Barry: It’s gotta be peaceful, I mean, this is the mother of your children.
Pete: And then the new wife would be great.
Barry: God, I can’t wait to meet my second wife. I hope she likes me better than this one.
[they both laugh]
[Debbie opens the bathroom door as Pete is sat on the toilet playing crosswords on his iPad]
Debbie: This is the fourth time you’ve gone to the bathroom today. Why is your instinct to escape?
Pete: It is my instinct to come into the bathroom when I need to go to the bathroom!
Debbie: How come I don’t smell anything?
Pete: It’s cause I shoved an altoid up my ass before I came in here.
[Debbie suddenly takes away his iPad and walks off]
Pete: Don’t press enter, I’m not sure I wanna make that move!
Pete: I have responsibilities! I can’t afford do sit in my apartment lighting up, watching porn and going to Tommy’s Chili Burgers at three in the morning!
Ronnie: That’s not even the order that that happens in!
Pete: Your son said some offensive things about my daughter.
Catherine: Oh, really? You better get her meds right.
Pete: Excuse me? Your kid is an animal. If he insults my daughter again, he’ll be so sorry.
[Peter pokes his finger into Catherine’s shoulder]
Catherine: You touched my nipple!
Pete: I got right below your shoulder!
Catherine: I have very high nipples!
This Is Where I Leave You (2014)
[to Paul; referring to his wife]
Wendy Altman: You need to put a baby in that woman like yesterday. Have you had your man parts checked? Cause you may have emptied them over the years.
Paul Altman: That’s not…
Wendy Altman: My room was next to yours. My room was next to yours.
Judd Altman: [voice over] Three months ago I had a great job and a nice apartment and I was in love with my wife.
[later walks in on his wife in their bedroom sleeping with his boss, Wade]
Judd Altman: How long?
[speak at the same time]
Quinn Altman: A year!
Wade Beaufort: This is our first time…
[Judd looks at them]
Wade Beaufort: On our sides.
[Wendy calls Judd]
Judd Altman: Hello?
Wendy Altman: I imagine by now you are well into the excessive facial hair phase of your depression.
Judd Altman: This is not a good time, Wendy.
Wendy Altman: Dad’s dead!
Judd Altman: What? How’s Mom?
Wendy Altman: She’s Mom. You know? She asked me how much to tip the nurses.
[as he notices Hilary’s robe falling apart revealing her cleavage as makes up his bed]
Judd Altman: Whoops. We’ve come apart there. Mom, close that robe.
Hillary Altman: They’re just breasts, Judd. Same ones you suckled at.
Judd Altman: Oh, mother, those are not the same breasts you nursed us with. You got bionic breasts now.
Hillary Altman: We made love on our first date.
Judd Altman: Mom…
Hillary Altman: I don’t mind telling you, the man was hung.
Wendy Altman: That should have been the headstone
Judd Altman: Clearly she lost more than a husband.
Judd Altman: I’ve been chasing this idea about a perfect life, but life is unpredictable and irrational and complicated. I want a complicated life.
Judd Altman: It’s hard to see people from your past when your present is so cataclysmically screwed up.
This Means War (2012)
[we see FDR and Tuck watching the TV monitor as Lauren and Trish talking about them]
Lauren: FDR has these tiny, like, girl hands. Like little T-Rex hands.
Trish: Eeww, gross! That means he’s got a Mike and Ike for a penis.
[on hearing this Tuck laughs out hard and FDR turns to Tuck]
FDR Foster: You know that’s not true. You’ve seen it. You’ve seen it in Bangladesh, you know that’s not true.
Lauren: Oh, I think I’m going to hell
Trish: Don’t worry. If you’re going to hell, I’ll just come pick you up.
Lauren: Have you ever killed anybody with your bare hands?
Tuck: Not this week.
[watching Lauren and Trish talking from a TV monitor]
Trish: Well, I’m available, as a friend, if you want me to have sex with both of those guys, just to test out stuff and see who comes back a winner and who dies. Just to test stuff and see who comes back a winner and who doesn’t, and they wouldn’t even know it was me, I would pretend I was you. I’d just put my hair up maybe in a pony, and obviously I’m busy because I’m a mother, but I would carve out time in my schedule, because that’s the kind of friend I am.
[referring to Trish, as they listen in on their conversation]
FDR Foster: Why is she listening to that old man?
Tuck: I have no idea.
To Rome with Love (2012)
Jerry: They gave us such a great room. You know, you married a very bright guy. I got a…I got a hundred and fifty, hundred and sixty I.Q.
Phyllis: You’re figuring it in Euro’s. In dollars it’s much less.
Toy Story (1995)
Woody: You! Are! A! Toyyyyy! You aren’t the real Buzz Lightyear! You’re…you’re an action figure!
[holds up his fingers indicating something small]
Woody: You are a child’s play thing!
Buzz: You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity.
Mr. Potato Head: Did you all take Stupid Pills this morning?
Toy Story 3 (2010)
[to the toy Peas-in-a-Pod]
Mr. Potato Head: I told you kids to stay out of my butt!
Mr. Pricklepants: [to Woody] Sunnyside is a place of ruin and despair, ruled by an evil bear who smells of strawberries!
Jessie: Buzz! We’re your friends!
Buzz Lightyear: Spare me your lies, temptress! Your emperor’s defeated, and I’m immune to your bewitching good looks.
Tropic Thunder (2008)
Kirk Lazarus: Me? I know who I am! I’m a dude playin’ a dude disguised as another dude.
See more Tropic Thunder Quotes
The Watch (2012)
[interrogating a teenage kid]
Franklin: Look at his face.
Evan: Look at my face.
Franklin: Look at this face and listen to me.
Evan: Look at him and listen to me.
Franklin: Look at me.
Evan: Look at me.
Franklin: Look at him and understand me. Look at both of us, but understand no one. Listen to my words, and hear his face.
What We Do in the Shadows (2014)
Deacon: I’ll kill you!
Nick: I’m already dead!
Vladislav: When you get three vampires in a flat obviously there’s going to be a lot of tension.
[referring to the housework rota list]
Viago: It’s been like this the whole time: Deacon on dishes. And it still hasn’t moved in five years. You’re a cool guy, but you are not pulling your weight in the flat.
Deacon: Oh, I’m glad to hear that I’m cool.
Vladislav: No, that’s not the point though. You’re missing the point.
Deacon: No, no, no. I’m not. I know.
Viago: This is not a meeting about how cool you are.
Deacon: Why don’t you use the front door? Do you want to draw attention to this house? Hm?
Nick: You’ve got a whole documentary crew following you around.
[sprawled on a chair]
Deacon: When you’re a vampire you become very sexy.
[waves his hands to himself]
Vladislav: The trouble with being a vampire is you have to be invited in.
[we see the trio trying to get into a club]
Viago: Invite us in to the bar.
Bouncer: You can walk in.
Vladislav: No, you need to invite us in!
[Deacon smacks Dion’s face]
Dion, werewolf: Aah! What the fuck did you do that for?
Anton, werewolf: Hey!
Dion, werewolf: That was…
Anton, werewolf: What are we?
Werewolves: Werewolves not swearwolves.
Viago: Yeah some of our clothes are from victims. You might bite someone and then, you think, “Ooh, those are some nice pants!”
[showing them Google]
Stu: Anything you want to find you type it in.
Viago: I lost a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.
Deacon: Yes, now Google it.
Deacon: I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool.
Vladislav: I think of it like this. If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it.
The World’s End (2013)
Gary King: We are gonna do the Golden Mile, and this time we are going to see it through to the bitter end. Or…lager end.
[as gets into the car and puts on his seat belt]
Gary King: And we’re back, just like The Five Musketeers.
Steven: Three Musketeers, isn’t it?
Gary King: Well nobody knows how many there were really, do they?
Oliver: You do know that The Three Musketeers is a fiction, right? Written by Alexandre Dumas.
Gary King: A lot of people are saying that about the Bible these days.
Steven: What, that is was written by Alexandre Dumas?
Gary King: Oh, don’t be daft, Steve! It was written by Jesus.
Andrew Knightley: Are we there yet?
Gary King: Let’s do this!
[starts the car and drive off]
[to the barman]
Gary King: What do you recommend?
Gary King: We’ll have five of those, please.
Andrew Knightley: Four of those and a tap water.
Gary King: What?!
Sam: What are you doing?
Gary King: It’s alright, I’m not trying to have sex with you. There’s something I need to tell you right now, unless you do want to have sex, in which case I’ll tell you afterwards.
Sam: Tell me right now.
Steven: Shouldn’t we head back to London?
Gary King: A: we’re all drunk; B: we’ve got blood on our hands.
[holds up both hands, which are covered in a blue stained color]
Peter: It’s more like ink.
Gary King: We’ve got ink on our hands.
Gary King: I saw the boys the other day.
Andrew Knightley: Uh-huh.
Gary King: We’re gonna go back to Newton Haven.
Andrew Knightley: Why?
Gary King: Five guys, twelve pubs, fifty pints.
Andrew Knightley: Sixty pints.
[Gary laughs, not getting it]
Gary King: Steady on, you alchy!
Gary King: We are gonna get to The World’s End if it kills us.
Andrew Knightley: How can you tell if you’re drunk if you’re never sober?
Wreck-It Ralph (2012)
King Candy: You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses, would you?
[Ralph takes the glasses from his face and smashes it over his head]
King Candy: You hit a guy with glasses! That’s…that’s well played.
[at the Bad-Anon support group]
Wreck-It Ralph: I don’t wanna be the bad guy anymore.
[the Bad-Anon members gasp]
Cyborg: You can’t mess with the program, Ralph!
M. Bison: You’re not going Turbo, are you?
Wreck-It Ralph: Turbo? No, I’m not going Turbo! Come on, guys! Is it ‘Turbo’ to want a friend? Or a medal? Or a piece of pie every once and a while? Is it ‘Turbo’ to want more out of life?
Clyde: Ralph, Ralph, we get it. But we can’t change who we are. The sooner you accept that, the better off your game and your life will be.
Zangief: Hey, one game at a time, Ralph.
Clyde: Now let’s close out the with Bad Guy affirmation.
[everyone in the group stands and holds hands]
Clyde, Saitine, Cyborg, M. Bison, Zombie, Zangief, Bad-Anon Members: I’m bad, and that’s good. I will never be good, and that’s not bad. There’s no one I’d rather be than me.
Sergeant Calhoun: Fear is a four letter word, ladies. You wanna go pee-pee in your big boy slacks, keep it to yourself.
Vanellope von Schweetz: What’s that?
Wreck-It Ralph: A medal. I earned it in Heroes Doodie.
Wreck-It Ralph: It’s not that kind of doody.
Vanellope von Schweetz: I bet you’re really gonna want to watch where you step in the game called ‘Heroes Doodie’!
Fix-It Felix: Why do I fix everything I touch?!
Sergeant Calhoun: This is it, ladies! The kitten whispers and tickle fights end now!
Sergeant Calhoun: Who in the holy hot cakes are you?!
Sergeant Calhoun: Do you know what the first rule of Hero’s Duty is, soldier?
Wreck-It Ralph: No cuts, no buts, no coconuts?
Yes Man (2008)
[riding on a motor scooter]
Alison: Am I going too fast for you?
Carl Allen: Nah. In fact, I think you should go faster. That way if we crash, at least I’ll die. I just don’t wanna be kept alive artificially.
[on the stage singing with her band]
Alison: Have you met my friend Ian? He’s a computer hacker. He helped me erase your MySpace page, and your band’s MySpace page, and your Facebook page. Happy networking asshole!
Carl Allen: [drunk] Hey…I’m just saying ‘yes’ to life…cuz…you gotta say ‘yes’ to life…I’m in a secret covenant…that sounded naughty!
Carl Allen: I am gone-o-reha. That didn’t sound right.
Your Highness (2011)
Leezar: What are you laughing at?
Belladonna: I was just thinking about your penis, and how unusual it must look.
Leezar: It doesn’t look unusual.
Belladonna: How do you know it’s going to work?
Leezar: Because I’ve tested it.
Leezar: If you’re vagina is anything like my hand, there will be no problem.
See more Your Highness Quotes
Maury Ballstein: Mugatu is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.
Derek Zoolander: Well I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking; “wow, you’re ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career.”
Matilda: Do what for a career?
Derek Zoolander: Be professionally good looking.
Derek Zoolander: Why do you hate models, Matilda?
Matilda: I think they’re vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
Hansel: I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
Hansel: I wasn’t like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere’s a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who’s a hero. The music he’s created over the years, I don’t really listen to it, but the fact that he’s making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I’m selling? No. Do I know what I’m doing today? No. But I’m here, and I’m gonna give it my best shot.
[after he pokes a girl with a pin]
Mugatu: Oh, I’m sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now!
[after spitting out and spilling coffee all over his assistant]
Mugatu: Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?
Derek Zoolander: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, “Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman.”
VH1 Reporter: Derek, are you worried about Hansel?
Derek Zoolander: Uhh…not as much as I’m worried about Gretel.
Hansel: I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
Derek Zoolander: I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
Total Quotes: 101