10
Things I Hate About You (1999)
Ms. Perky: People
perceive you as
somewhat...
Kat Stratford:
Tempestuous?
Ms. Perky:
'Heinous bitch' is
the term used most often.
See
more 10
Things I Hate About You Quotes
Walter Stratford: Hello,
Katarina.
Make anyone cry today?
Kat Stratford:
Sadly, no. But
it's only 4:30.
Chastity: I
know
you can be
overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be
whelmed?
Bianca: I
think you can in
Europe.
[discovering Joey Donner
has drawn on
his face]
Michael: I
have a dick on my face, don't I?
[after discovering Kat
has crashed
her car on purpose]
Walter Stratford: My
insurance does not cover PMS!
Kat Stratford: Well
then, tell
them I had a seizure.
Walter Stratford: You're
18, you
don't know what you want. And you won't know what you want 'til you're
45, and even if you get it, you'll be too old to use it.
Kat Stratford:
I
guess in this
society, being male and an asshole makes you worthy of our time.
Kat Stratford:
We're
going now.
Walter Stratford:
Alright, wait
a minute. No drinking, no drugs, no kissing, no tattoos, no
piercings, no ritual animal slaughters of any kind. Oh, God,
I'm
giving them ideas.
21 Jump Street
Quotes (2012)
Domingo: Are
you guys even real cops? You look like the kids on Halloween.
Tom Hanson:
If them boys is cops, I'm DEA.
[Schmidt does a fake
laugh]
Schmidt: I
know! Right? I know! It's hilarious.
[Schmidt stops laughing]
Schmidt: So
why don't you show us a little respect?
Domingo:
Fuck you, pig!
Jenko: Hey!
You want me to beat your dick off?
Domingo: You
want to beat my dick off?
Jenko: I'll
beat your dick off with both hands. What's up? Let's go.
One-Percenter #1:
That's weird, man!
Schmidt: I
think what he was trying to say was, he's gonna punch you so many times
round the genital area that...that your dick's just gonna fall off.
See more 21
Jump Street Quotes
30
Minutes
or Less (2011)
[at the check out
counter a register woman swipes their items]
Register Woman:
Guns. Mask. You sure you all don't wanna grab some condoms?
Nick: No.
Why?
Register Woman:
Because this is usually what men buy before they rape someone.
Chet: Oh,
we're not rapists! Us two, small fries? No way.
[she gives them a cold
unbelieving look]
Register Woman:
Is it gonna be cash or credit for your rape kit?
[Chet put a box of
hamburger slider kit on the counter]
Chet: Hey,
is a slider station in a rape kit? Cause we're gettin' one of
those too.
Nick: We'll
pay cash.
Chet: Not
into rape, just into sliders.
See more 30
Minutes or Less Quotes
The 40 Year Old
Virgin (2005)
Mooj: Hey
Andy,
don't let him
bother you. It's okay not to have sex. Not everybody's a pussy magnet.
You, uh, what are you, 25?
Andy Stitzer:
I'm 40.
Mooj: Holy
shit, man, you got
to get on that!
See
more The 40
Year Old Virgin Quotes
Andy
Stitzer: You know what? I respect women! I love women! I
respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!
[after getting his chest
partially
waxed]
Andy Stitzer:
This is not a
good look for me!
Boy at Health Clinic:
Hey, do you
have any extra large condoms?
Dad at Health Clinic: Oh,
Seth, please! You have a tiny penis.
Andy
Stitzer: I need some poon! I need genital to genital
connections!
[to a shirtless Andy,
who has an
incredibly hairy chest]
David: I
love your sweater.
Does that come in a V-neck?
[describing the
prostitute who
was really
a transvestite]
Andy Stitzer: She
had hands as
big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her
balls.
[Trish and Andy are on
the bed,
kissing]
Trish: Do
you have
protection?
Andy Stitzer:
I don't like
guns.
Andy Stitzer:
I'm
gonna tell her.
Cal: You
should totally tell
her.
Andy Stitzer:
I'm going to.
Cal: 'Cause
I watched this
movie called "Liar Liar" and the message was, "Don't lie." And that was
a smart movie.
50/50
(2011)
Kyle: You're
gonna be fine.
Adam: Yeah.
Kyle: You're
gonna be fine. Fifty fifty! If you were a casino game, you'd have the
best odds.
Adam: Yeah.
Thanks.
See more 50/50 Quotes
(500) Days of Summer
(2009)
[Tom's boss reads the
message on a
valentine's card that Tom has written after he's been dumped by Summer]
Vance: Roses
are red, violets
are blue...Fuck you, whore!
Anchorman: The Legend of
Ron Burgundy (2004)
Ed Harken: A
lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of
diversity on the news team.
Champ Kind:
What in the hell's diversity?
Ron Burgundy:
Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden
ship that was used during the Civil War era.
See
more Anchorman Quotes
Ron Burgundy:
For just one night let's not be co-workers. Let's be co-people.
Brick Tamland:
I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am
rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of
slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48
and am what some people call mentally retarded.
Veronica Corningstone:
My God, what is that smell? Oh!
Brian Fantana:
That's the smell of desire my lady.
Veronica Corningstone:
God no, it smells like, like a used diaper...filled with...Indian food.
Oh, excuse me.
Brian Fantana:
You know, desire smells like that to some people.
News Station Employee:
[disgusted]
What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
News Station Employee:
[horrified]
Smells like Bigfoot's dick!
[Brian tries to act
casual and walk away]
Brian Fantana:
Woah, what's that smell?
Veronica Corningstone:
Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be
with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.
American Reunion (2012)
Jim's Dad: I
have not had a night like that since the seventies.
Jim: [disgusted]
Don't
need this.
Jim's Dad: You'd
be surprised what you can do...with a well placed thumb.
Annie
Hall (1977)
Alvy Singer:
It's mental masturbation!
Annie Hall:
And you would know all about that, wouldn't you?
Alvy Singer:
Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love.
See
more Annie Hall Quotes
Alvy Singer:
Don't you see the rest of the country
looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual
pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.
[talking about
California]
Annie Hall:
It's so clean out here.
Alvy Singer:
That's because they don't throw their
garbage away, they turn it into television shows.
Alvy Singer:
You know, I...I feel that life is...is
divided up into the horrible and the miserable. Those are the two
categories, you know. The...the horrible would be like, um...I don't
know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't
know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. You know, and the
miserable is everyone else. That's...that's so...so when you go through
life, you should be thankful that you're miserable because you're very
lucky to be miserable.
As Good as It Gets (1997)
[enters his
psychiatrist's
office]
Melvin Udall:
Hi.
[shuts the
door, turns and yells]
Melvin
Udall: HELP!
Dr. Green:
If you want to see
me, you will not do this. You will make an appointment.
Melvin Udall:
Dr. Green, how
can you diagnose someone as an obsessive compulsive disorder, and then
act like I have some choice about barging in here?
See
more As Good
As it Get Quotes
Melvin Udall:
People who talk
in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.
Carol Connelly:
Okay, we all have
these terrible stories to get over, and you...
Melvin Udall:
It's not true.
Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with
boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot
of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it
so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so
many others had it good.
[introducing Carol to
Simon]
Melvin Udall:
Carol
the
waitress, Simon the fag.
Carol Connelly:
When you first
entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome...and then, of
course, you spoke.
Melvin Udall:
Never, never,
interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the
sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming
from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold
a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think
you're going to faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's
election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some
fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of
the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and
you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not
on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?
Simon Bishop:
Uhm, yes. It's
not a...subtle point that you're making.
Melvin Udall:
Okay then.
[shuts door in Simon's
face]
[sitting in the bar
after he's
insulted Carol and she's storms out]
Melvin Udall:
Well, it's not
right to go into details, I got nervous. I screwed up, I said the wrong
thing. Where if I hadn't, I could be in bed right now with a woman who,
if you make her laugh, you got a life. Instead I'm here with you...
[gestures to bartender]
Melvin Udall:
No offense,
but a moron pushing the last legal drug.
Receptionist:
How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: I
think of a
man, and I take away reason and accountability.
Simon Bishop: The
best thing
you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.
[after Carol arrives at
Melvin's
apartment in the middle of the night]
Carol Connelly:
I'm not going
to sleep with you! I will never sleep with you, never, ever! Not ever!
Melvin Udall:
Well, I'm sorry,
but...we don't open for the "no sex oaths" until 9am.
[to Simon after he's
been released
from hospital for being beaten up and robbed]
Melvin Udall: You're
a
disgrace to depression.
Austin Powers (1997)
Dr. Evil: My
father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium
with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a
fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My
father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims
like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts
of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess
and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon,
luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent
I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard
really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of
fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my
testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's
breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
The Big Year (2011)
Stu: Am I
nuts, Edith?
Edith: Are
you asking me as a therapist or as a wife?
Stu: Which
one is cheaper?
Blazing
Saddles (1974)
Taggart:
What do you want me to
do, sir?
Hedley Lamarr:
I want you to
round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this
down.
[Taggart looks for a pen
and paper
while Hedley talks]
Hedley Lamarr: I
want
rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs,
pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men,
Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers,
hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers,
ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists!
[Taggart finally finds a
pen and
paper]
Taggart:
Could you
repeat that, sir?
See
more Blazing
Saddles Quotes
Bart:
I'm rapidly
becoming a big underground success in this town.
Jim: See?
In another
twenty-five years, you'll be able to shake their hands in broad
daylight.
[Jim downs a bottle of
whiskey in one
long guzzle]
Bart: A man
drink like that and
he don't eat, he is going to DIE.
Jim: [eagerly] When?
[consoling Bart]
Jim: What
did you expect?
"Welcome, sonny", "Make yourself at home", "Marry my daughter". You've
got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of
the land. The common clay of the new West. You know...morons.
[explaining why he
became a drunk]
Jim: Well,
it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who
thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco
Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty
gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I
was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say,
"Reach for it, mister!" I spun around...and there I was, face-to-face
with a six-year old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked
away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest
saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since.
Hedley Lamarr:
Unfortunately
there is one thing standing between me and that property... the
rightful
owners.
Hedley Lamarr:
Qualifications?
Applicant:
Rape, murder, arson,
and rape.
Hedley Lamarr:
You said rape
twice.
Applicant: I
like rape.
[Taggart finds everyone
at the camp
farting whilst eating beans]
Lyle: How
'bout some more
beans, Mr. Taggart?
[Taggart fans his hat in
the air to
remove the foul stench]
Taggart: I'd
say you've
had enough!
Bart: Hey,
Charlie. What is it
that's not exactly water and it ain't exactly earth?
Bart, Charlie:
QUICKSAND!
Hedley Lamarr:
My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading
into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Taggart: God
darnit, Mr. Lamarr. You use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar
whore.
[Lamarr gives Taggart a
look]
Hedley Lamarr:
Shit-kicker.
Bridesmaids
(2011)
Annie's Mom:
I signed up to speak at AA tonight and I...I...I...I just have to.
Annie: Mom?!
Annie's Mom: No!
I...I forgot. I'm sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
Annie: Mom,
I keep telling you, you're not supposed to go to those things. You
know, you're not an alcoholic.
Annie's Mom: Well,
only because I've never had a drink.
Annie: What?
Annie's Mom: I
mean, they are inspiring.
See more Bridesmaids
Quotes
The Campaign (2012)
[as they shake hands in
front of the news crew and reporters]
Cam Brady: How
you doin'?
Marty Huggins: Hate
to break it to you friend, but uh...you're balloon's gettin' ready to
pop. And that balloon is full of your own butt toots.
Cam Brady: Are
you tryin' to trash talk me? You're mama's like a vacuum cleaner. She
sucks, she blows and gets laid in a closet.
[Brady shakes Marty's
hand hard]
Cam Brady: That's
what nuts feel like.
Marty Huggins: Stop
it!
See
more The Campaign Quotes
[looking in a small
handheld mirror]
Cam Brady:
How's my hair?
Mitch:
Strong. So Strong.
Cam Brady: My
hair could lift a car off a baby if it had to.
Mitch: Absolutely.
Cam Brady: That's
what I like to hear.
Marty Huggins:
This has been my dream, running for office.
[interviewing Marty]
Reporter:
You're challenging our four term congressman, how do you expect to do
that?
[Marty doesn't reply and
looks blankly at the news reporter's camera]
Marty Huggins: Uh...say
that again?
[at the dinner table
with his family]
Marty Huggins: Now
that I'm running for congress, we're gonna be under a lot of scrutiny.
Anybody have anything that they wanna share with us?
Dylan Huggins:
I said the lord's name in vain at school.
Marty Huggins: Is
that it?
Clay Huggins:
I went to the petting zoo and I let the goat lick my weaner.
[at the dinner table
with
his family]
Cam Brady: That
little guy's a weirdo. I'm gonna smoke that clown.
[giving a speech in a
Jewish Synagogue]
Marty Huggins: Washington
D.C. is a mess.
[turns to the rabbi
standing next to him]
Marty Huggins: How
do you say 'it's a mess' in Hebrew
Rabbi:
Balagan.
Marty Huggins: Donkey
Kon?
[giving a speech on his
campaign trail]
Cam Brady: Let
me hear a Cam Brady o-twelve.
[suddenly the snake he's
holding in his hand bites his arm]
Cam Brady: Oh,
shove a throwing star up a Chinese mu...!
[the crowd looks
appalled]
Cam Brady: I
refuse to lose! And I will win!
Cam Brady: Marty
Huggins, what you got there? Is that a crossbow?
[suddenly Marty shoots a
bow and it lands in Brady's leg]
Cam Brady: Ah!
Ho! Black Hawk down!
Tim Wattley:
Gentlemen, we got some babies to kiss.
Cam Brady: That's
my baby to kiss!
Marty Huggins: Stop
it!
[as Marty
goes to kiss the baby being held by it's mother, Brady goes to punch
him out of the way but Marty moves out of the way and Brady punches the
baby instead]
Mitch: He
just punched a baby.
[to Mitch]
Cam Brady: Is
anyone asking how my hand feels after punching that iron like jaw of
that baby?
Cars 2 (2011)
Finn McMissile:
Finn McMissile, British intelligence.
Mater: Tow
Mater, average intelligence.
The Change-Up (2011)
Dave: You're
living the dream,
Mitch. Having children, it's...it's like, it's living with little
mini-heroin addicts. You know, they're laughing one minute and then
they're crying the next. And then they trying to kill themselves in the
bathroom for no good reason. They're very mean and selfish and burn
through your money. And they break shit...
Mitch: Got
it! Got it! Got it! Come on!
See
more
The Change-Up Quotes
Dave: Tell
me about your women. Please!
Mitch: I
have been keeping company with a number of nice ladies.
[going through photos of
the women he's seeing]
Mitch: This,
right here is Brenda. She wants it in missionary, Wheelbarrow,
the Arabian Goggles, the Lonesome Dove, the Arsenio Hall,
the Jelly Donut, the Pastrami Sandwich, the Wolfgang Puck. And let me
tell you something, no man is that hungry.
Dave: What?
I
don't even know what these are!
Mitch:
You're
married. You're married, Dave.
Dave: Good
point.
[referring to the woman
in the photo]
Dave: What
is her name?
Mitch: That
is Tatiana.
Dave: Wow!
And what's her last name?
Mitch: Tatiana,
calls me at three in the morning and wants to fuck steam. Who gives a
shit!
Dave: Right.
Got it!
[whilst pissing
into a fountain]
Dave: You
know I was just saying that I envy you life, Mitch.
Mitch: And
I envy yours.
Mitch and Dave: I
wish I had your life!
[after they’re
switched bodies; Dave is now in Mitch's body and Mitch is in Dave's]
Dave: I'm a
douchebag!
Mitch: I'm
a fucking tool!
Mitch: For
the first time in your life, you're good looking, you're single. What's
goin' on between us, it's crazy! But what's even more crazy, is not to
use it!
Dave: Question.
How long have you been shaved down there?
Mitch: I
get an extra inch. And only married dudes rock the dick froze anymore!
Mitch: So I
can't sleep with my wife, I can't sleep with other women. What the hell
is that?
Dave:
Marriage.
Clueless
(1995)
Tai: Cher,
you're a
virgin?!
Cher: You
say that like it's a
bad thing.
Dionne:
Besides, the PC term is
"Hymenally challenged".
See
more Clueless
Quotes
Heather: It's
just like Hamlet
said, "To thine own self be true."
Cher: Hamlet
didn't say that.
Heather: I
think I remember
Hamlet accurately.
Cher: Well,
I remember Mel
Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.
Josh: You
look like Pippi
Longstocking.
Cher: Well
you look like
Forrest Gump. Who's Pippi Longstocking?
Josh:
Someone Mel Gibson never
played.
Amber: Ms.
Stoeger, my plastic
surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.
Dionne: [sarcastically]
Well, there goes
your social life.
Cher:
Christian said he'd call
the next day, but in boy time that meant Thursday.
[after taking her
drivers test]
Cher: So,
how did I do?
DMV Tester:
How'd you do? Well,
let's just see shall we? You can't park, you can't change lanes, you
can't make right hand turns, you damaged private property and you
almost killed someone. Off hand, I'd say you failed.
Tai: Why
should I listen to
you, anyway? You're a virgin who can't drive.
Cher: That
was way harsh, Tai.
Cher: Would
you call me selfish?
Dionne: No,
not to your face.
Cher: I want
to do something
for humanity.
Josh: How
about sterilization?
Murray: Your
man Christian is a
cake boy!
Cher, Dionne:
A what?
Murray: He's
a disco-dancing,
Oscar Wilde reading, Streissand ticket holding friend of Dorothy, know
what I'm saying?
Cher: Uh-uh,
no way, not even!
Murray: Yes
even, he's gay!
Dionne: He
does like to shop,
Cher. And the boy can dress.
Tai: Do you
think she's pretty?
Cher: No,
she's a full-on Monet.
Tai: What's
a Monet?
Cher: It's
like a painting,
see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess. Let's
ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber?
Christian:
Hagsville.
Cher: See?
Crazy Stupid Love (2011)
Jacob: The
skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.
See more Crazy
Stupid Love Quotes
The Croods (2013)
Guy: I'm Guy
and this is Belt. We need to leave immediately, the world is ending.
Eep: What?
Guy: Everything
we're standing on, right here, will be gone. I'm calling it 'the end'.
See
more The Croods Quotes
[Guy gives Eep shoes to
wear]
Guy: Okay,
open them. I call them shoes.
[Eep opens her eyes and
screams in excitement]
Eep: I love
them! Where are my feet?
Guy: Don't
worry! They're still there.
Eep: Oh,
we've been in that cave forever!
Grug: Three
days is not forever.
Eep: It is
with this family.
[Grug roles his eyes]
Ugga: Mom,
we're ready to leave.
[there's a pause as Gran
doesn't answer, Grug smiles to himself]
Ugga: Mom?
[Gran comes out of the
cave, much to Grug's disappointment]
Gran: Still
alive!
[to himself]
Grug: It's
still early.
[Grug smears mud on
Thunk's face]
Grug: Paintings
are so passe. I call this a snapshot.
[he hits Thunk in the
face with a flat rock, leaving an impression of his face]
Thunk: Can
we do that again? I think I blinked.
Eep: [voice over] We
never had the change to explore the outside world, because of my dad's
one rule.
Grug: New
is always bad! Never not be afraid.
Grug: Tonight,
we'll hear the story of Crispy Bear. A long time ago this little bear
was alive, because she listened to her father, so she was happy. But
this little bear had one terrible problem, she was filled
with...curiosity! Yes! And one day she saw something new and died!
Thunk: Just
like that?
Grug: Yes!
Gran: Same
ending as everyday.
Thunk: I
get it, dad. I will never do anything new or different.
Grug: Good
man, Thunk.
Despicable Me
(2010)
Gru: Clearly
we need to set a few rules. Rule number one: You will not
touch anything.
Margo:
Uh-ha. What about the floor?
Gru: Yes,
you may touch the floor
Margo: What
about the air?
Gru: Yes,
you may touch the air.
Edith: What
about this?
[she holds a ray gun on
her hands, the laser sight aimed at Gru]
Gru: Aah!
Where did you get that?
Edith: Found
it.
[Gru takes it away from
her]
Gru: Rule
number two: You will not bother me while I'm working. Rule
number three: You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or
sneeze or barf or fart! So no, no, no annoying sounds. All right?
Agnes: Does
this count as annoying?
[makes annoying sound
with her cheeks, Gru stops her]
Gru: Very!
See
more Despicable Me Quotes
[Gru is showing Mr.
Perkins his plans, using pictures on an easel]
Gru: I fly
to the moon, I shrink the moon, I grab the moon, I sit on
the toilet bowl...what?!
[sees a child's drawing
in his plans of himself sitting on a toilet
bowl]
Gru: We are
going to pull of the TRUE crime of the century...we are going to steal
the MOON!
Gru: We
stole the Statue of Liberty...
[the minions cheer]
Gru: ...the
small one, from Las Vegas!
[the cheering stops]
Dr. Nefario: Here's
the new weapon you ordered.
[shoots minion with the
fart gun]
Gru: No,
no, no. I said DART gun!
Dr. Nefario:
Oh yes. Cause I was wondering...under what circumstances would we use
this?
Gru: Okay...
Gru: Do you
speak Spanish?
Miss Hattie:
Do I look like someone who speaks Spanish?
Gru: It's
just that your face is so...Como es burro.
[thinking it's a
compliment]
Miss Hattie: Oh!
Why, thank you!
The Dictator (2012)
[Aladeen approaches the
NYPD]
General Aladeen: Is
there any way you could lend me some money? Maybe twenty million
dollars.
See
more The Dictator Quotes
[recording his speech to
the camera]
General Aladeen:
I am for free press, fair elections and equal rights for women...
[he starts to laugh]
General Aladeen: I
can't say that!
Clayton:
Admiral
General, welcome to New York city. And while you're here, I highly
recommend a visit to the Empire State Building, before you or one of
your cousins takes it down.
[Zoey is giving Aladeen
a ride on her motorcycle, Aladeen is sat behind
her]
Zoey:
Could you please take your hands off my breasts?
General Aladeen: Those
are breasts? I thought you were a boy!
General Aladeen: I
accept your job offer as general manager.
Zoey: Well,
you can't be the manager because I'm the manager.
General Aladeen: Well,
I can if I kill you.
Zoey: Okay.
Well...
[as he's riding through
New York]
General Aladeen: Ah,
America! The birth place of Aids.
[after having sex with
Megan Fox]
General Aladeen: Megan,
you were worth every penny.
[Aladeen has laid out
gold watch, diamonds and rubies to pay Megan Fox for having sex with
him]
General Aladeen: I
trust everything is in there as your manager requested?
[Megan picks up a small
piece of ruby]
Megan Fox:
What's this, a ruby? Is that a joke? What am I, a Kardashian?
General Aladeen: No,
of course not. You're much less hairy.
Dumb
& Dumber (1994)
Harry: One
time, we
successfully
mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu.
Mary:
Really? That's weird.
Harry: Yeah,
we called it a
bullshit.
See
more Dumb
& Dumber Quotes
Harry: I
can't believe we drove
around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is
nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd: Yeah!
Unless you wanna
work forty hours a week.
Harry: Nice
set of
hooters you got
there!
Mary: I beg
your pardon?
Harry: The
owls! They're
beautiful!
State Trooper: Pullover!
Harry: No,
it's a cardigan but
thanks for noticing.
Lloyd: Yeah,
killer boots man!
Harry: I
thought
the Rocky
Mountains would be a little rockier than this.
Lloyd: Yeah,
that John Denver
is full of shit, man.
Harry: Yeah
I called
her up, she
gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I
don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
Due
Date (2010)
[referring to his dad]
Ethan Tremblay: At
least he tasted good.
Peter Highman:
Not bad. Yeah, strong. It was uh...full flavored, robust blend.
Ethan Tremblay: He
really enjoyed coffee and in the end he was enjoyed as coffee. Circle
of life.
Peter Highman: Lion
King. All that.
See more Due Date Quotes
Ferris
Bueller's
Day Off
(1986)
Ed Rooney:
Last thing I
need at this point in my career is fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller
disciples running around these halls. He jeopardizes my ability to
effectively govern this student body.
Grace: Well,
makes you look
like an ass is what he does, Ed.
See
more
Ferris Buller's Day Off Quotes
Ed Rooney: I
did not achieve
this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese
out in the wind.
Grace: Oh,
he's very
popular Ed. The
sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies,
dickheads, they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.
Ferris: Pardon
my
French, but
Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two
weeks you'd have a diamond.
[Rooney thinks he's just
caught
Ferris]
Ed Rooney:
Les jeux sont
faits. Translation: the game is up. Your ass is mine.
The Guilt Trip (2012)
Joyce Brewster: You
seeing anyone?
Andy Brewster: Are
you seeing anyone?
Joyce Brewster: Please,
don't be disgusting. I thought you were seeing that girl with the
exotic name.
Andy Brewster: Bethany?!
See
more The Guilt Trip Quotes
Andy Brewster: Do
you have any rooms available?
Hotel Clerk:
One for you and your lady?
Andy Brewster: A
lady?!
Joyce Brewster: Andy,
they have clip-on fog earings!
[Andy looks at the hotel
clerk, who's smiles and winks at Andy]
Andy Brewster: Oh,
dude! Don't wink at me! It's my mother! Are you insane?!
[stopping in front of
what seems like a restaurant]
Joyce Brewster: Look,
there's a restaurant! Does that say tapass? I love tapass!
[Jessica starts walking
towards it, Andy looks closer and sees that it's a strip club with the
lights on the letters L and E gone out on the sign that says 'TOPLESS']
Andy Brewster: That's
not what it says, mom!
[at the strip club]
Andy Brewster: Please,
don't sit near me.
Joyce Brewster: When
you were a baby your penis started to turn purple.
Andy Brewster: I
almost threw up all over the table.
Joyce Brewster: You'd
tell me if your penis started to turn purple again.
Andy Brewster: My
penis could literally grow an eyeball and I wouldn't tell you.
[standing at the edge of
cliff at Grand Canyon]
Joyce Brewster: I
always wanted to see the Grand Canyon!
Andy Brewster: I
know!
Joyce Brewster: How
long are we supposed to look at it?
Andy Brewster: Ten
minutes? Seems disrespectful to look at it for any less.
Joyce Brewster: But
Who'll know?
Andy Brewster: That's
a good point.
The
Hangover (2009)
Stu Price: This is so illegal.
Phil Wenneck: Can't
you see
the fun part in anything?
Stu Price: Yeah,
we're stuck
in traffic in a stolen police car with what is sure to be a missing
child in the back seat. Which part of this is fun?
See more The Hangover
Quotes
The Hangover Part II (2011)
Alan: I'm
going to miss you monkey. I wish monkeys could Skype. Maybe one day.
See more The Hangover
Part II Quotes
Happy Feet Two (2011)
Carmen: You,
me? Fat chance!
Ramon: I
have a chance! And it's fat!
See
more Happy Feet Two Quotes
Carmen: Ramon,
you're beautiful.
Ramon: Only
on the outside.
Will the Krill:
I'm moving up the food chain. I'm gonna go chew on something that has a
face!
Bill the Krill:
No! No! No! No!
[suddenly Will takes a
bite out of a giant seal]
Will the Krill: A
little chewy.
Bill the Krill: You
just nibbled on its butt!
The Help (2011)
Eugenia 'Skeeter' Phelan:
I got a job today.
Charlotte Phelan: Where?
Eugenia 'Skeeter' Phelan:
Writin' for the Jackson Journal.
Charlotte Phelan: Great.
You can write my obituary; Charlotte Phelan. Dead. Her
daughter still single!
Eugenia 'Skeeter' Phelan:
Mother, would it be really so bad if I never had a husband?
Charlotte Phelan:
Skeeter!
See more The Help
Quotes
Horrible
Bosses (2011)
[introducing himself]
Dean 'MF' Jones: Motherfucker
Jones.
Dale Arbus:
Your first name is Motherfucker?!
Dean 'MF' Jones:
Last name Jones. You got a problem with that?
Dale Arbus: No!
No! Cool name. Yeah. Is that like on your birth certificate?
[Kurt elbows Dale to
stop asking questions]
Dean 'MF' Jones: My
real name is Dean.
Nick Hendricks:
Dean Jones. That's the same name of the actor in Herbie The Love Bug.
Kurt Buckman:
Yeah, he's not gonna know who that is.
Dean 'MF' Jones:
I know who he is, bitch!
Kurt Buckman: Sorry.
Dean 'MF' Jones: I
can't walk around this fuckin' neighborhood
with that Disney-assed name!
See more Horrible
Bosses Quotes
Hotel Transylvania (2012)
Jonathan:
Are these monster gonna kill me?
Dracula: Not
as long as they think you're a monster.
Jonathan:
That's kinda racist.
See
more Hotel Transylvania Quotes
Mavis: Dad,
everyone here is ancient. I wanna go out and see the world.
[she goes to the window
and turns into a bat]
Dracula: Woh!
Woh! Woh! Honey, you're too young!
Mavis: I'm
a hundred and eighteen years old.
[Mavis starts to pout]
Dracula: Don't
give me the pouty bat face.
[trying to use his power
and stares into Jonathan's eyes to hypnotize him]
Dracula: Now
go and never return.
Jonathan: Wait!
Never return to the hotel?
Dracula: What?
I just used my powers to erase your memory. I looked straight into your
eye!
Jonathan: Oh,
maybe it's the contact lenses.
Dracula: Your
what?
Jonathan: Here,
let me just try and get 'em out real quick.
[he pops one of his
eye's open and tries to takes out the lens]
Dracula: Oh,
that is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!
Jonathan: I
almost got it.
Identity Thief (2013)
Trish Patterson:
This is crazy! You don't chase criminals! You're not Batman!
Sandy: I
can handle her. She's like a hobbit, I'm going after Bilbo.
Jack and Jill (2011)
Jill: Are
you going bald?
Jack: Huh?
Jill: No!
No! No! You're getting fatter and your hair doesn't realize it needs to
cover more face.
See
more Jack and Jill Quotes
Office Worker #1:
What's this about a twin?
Office Worker #2: Jack
here has a twin sister.
Office Worker #1: Identical
or paternal?
Office Worker #2: Uh...nocturnal,
like a bat.
Al Pacino:
Your sister and I grew up on the same street. When I look at her I see
me.
Jack: When
I look at her I see me too.
Erin: Some
twins can feel when the other one's hurt.
[Jill slaps herself in
the face and looks at Jack to see if he feels the pain]
Jack: I
didn't feel it.
[Jill slaps herself in
the face a little harder]
Jack: Little
harder.
[Jill slaps herself in
the face more harder]
Erin: No,
Jill, stop it! He's kidding.
Jill: What?!
[suddenly Gary punches
Jill hard in the face]
Gary: Feel
that, daddy?
Jack: I
actually did feel something there. Pride in my son.
Joyful Noise (2012)
G.G. Sparrow:
Well I am who I am!
Vi Rose Hill:
Well maybe you were, five procedures ago.
See
more Joyful Noise Quotes
[to Vi Rose]
G.G. Sparrow: Who
cares if I got a few little nips and tucks? God didn't make plastic
surgeons so they could starve!
[as G.G. is trying to
hit Vi Rose]
Vi Rose Hill: Quit
it with those nails, Edward Scissorhands!
Juno
(2007)
Leah: Dude,
I think it's best
to just tell 'em.
Juno MacGuff:
I'm Pregnant.
Bren: Oh,
God.
Juno MacGuff:
But, uh ah, I'm
going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect
couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything.
And...and what...in thirty or odd weeks we can just pretend that this
never happened.
Mac MacGuff:
You're pregnant?
Juno MacGuff: I'm
sorry. I'm
sorry...and if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating
in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since Wednesday...morning.
See
more Juno
Quotes
[after Juno's parents
have found out
she's pregnant]
Mac MacGuff: Did
you see that
coming?
Bren:
Yeah...but I was hoping
she was expelled, or into hard drugs.
Mac MacGuff:
That was my first
instinct too. Or a DWI...anything but this!
Rollo: You
better
pay for that
pee-stick when you're done with it. Don't think it's yours just because
you marked it with your urine!
Paulie Bleeker:
I still have
your underwear.
Juno MacGuff:
I still have your
virginity.
Juno MacGuff: Bleeker's
mom was
possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a Hobbit. You know,
the fat one, that was in the Goonies.
Juno MacGuff:
Uhhh,
I hate it when
adults use the term "sexually active." What does it even mean? Am I
gonna like deactivate some day or is it a permanent state of being?
The King's
Speech (2010)
Lionel Logue:
Do you know any jokes?
King George VI:
Timing
isn't my strong suit.
Lionel Logue:
Do you know the 'f' word?
King George VI:
Ffff...fornication?
Kung Fu Panda 2 (2011)
[after Po and his gang
stop the wolf soldiers from raiding the village]
Bunny Fan:
The Dragon Warrior!
Wolf Boss:
The panda? That's impossible!
Po: My fist
hungers for justice!
[his stomach growls
loudly]
Po: That was
my...fist.
See more Kung Fu
Panda 2 Quotes
Life
of Brian (1979)
Brian's mother:
He's not the Messiah. He's a very
naughty boy!
See
more Life of Brian Quotes
[to the crowd]
Brian: I'm
not the Messiah! Will you please listen?
I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
Girl: Only
the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian: What?
Well, what sort of chance does that
give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers:
He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now,
fuck off!
[everyone goes silent]
Arthur: How
shall we fuck off, O Lord?
[end of the movie]
Lead Singer Crucifee:
[singing]
Life's a piece of shit when you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's
a joke. It's true!
Little
Miss Sunshine (2006)
Richard:
Sarcasm is the refuge of losers.
Frank: [sarcastically] It
is? Really?
Richard:
Sarcasm is losers
trying to bring winners down to their level.
Frank: [sarcastically]
Wow, Richard,
you've really opened my eyes to what a loser I am. How much do I owe
you for those pearls of wisdom?
Richard: Oh,
that ones on the
house.
See
more Little
Miss Sunshine Quotes
[getting pulled over by
the police]
Richard: Oh my God, I'm getting pulled over. Everyone,
just...pretend to be normal.
Grandpa:
Jesus, I'm tired. I'm
so fucking tired. You know how tired I am? If a girl came up to me and
begged me to fuck her, I couldn't do it. That's how tired I am.
Dwayne: You
know what? Fuck
beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. You
know, school, then college, then work, fuck that. And fuck the air
force academy. If I wanna fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you
love, and fuck the rest.
Frank: I'm
glad you're talking
again, Dwayne. You're not nearly as stupid as you look.
The
Man with Two Brains (1983)
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Ladies
and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men
can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!
Dr. Necessiter's butler: Can
I get you anything more,
doctor?
I'm about to retire.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Really?
You seem so young.
Megamind
(2010)
[after Hal has been
transformed into a superhero]
Hal: Is
this some kind of dream?
[Megamind's disguised as
Jor-El]
Megamind:
This is a dream come true. You've been blessed with unfathomable power.
Hal: What
kind of power?
Megamind:
Unfathomable. It's unf...with...without fathom.
Hal: Wow!
See more Megamind Quotes
Total Funny Quotes: 81
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