A – Z Funny Movie Quotes Page 1 2
10 Things I Hate About You (1999)
Ms. Perky: People perceive you as somewhat…
Kat Stratford: Tempestuous?
Ms. Perky: ‘Heinous bitch’ is the term used most often.
Walter Stratford: Hello, Katarina. Make anyone cry today?
Kat Stratford: Sadly, no. But it’s only 4:30.
Chastity: I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?
Bianca: I think you can in Europe.
[discovering Joey Donner has drawn on his face]
Michael: I have a dick on my face, don’t I?
[after discovering Kat has crashed her car on purpose]
Walter Stratford: My insurance does not cover PMS!
Kat Stratford: Well then, tell them I had a seizure.
Walter Stratford: You’re 18, you don’t know what you want. And you won’t know what you want ’til you’re 45, and even if you get it, you’ll be too old to use it.
Kat Stratford: I guess in this society, being male and an asshole makes you worthy of our time.
Kat Stratford: We’re going now.
Walter Stratford: Alright, wait a minute. No drinking, no drugs, no kissing, no tattoos, no piercings, no ritual animal slaughters of any kind. Oh, God, I’m giving them ideas.
21 Jump Street Quotes (2012)
Captain Dickson: Hey! Hey! Stop fucking with Korean Jesus! He ain’t got time for your problems! He’s busy, with Korean shit!
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22 Jump Street (2014)
Captain Dickson: Why every time you speak I want to throw the fuck up? Infiltrate the dealer, find the supplier!
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The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)
Mooj: Hey Andy, don’t let him bother you. It’s okay not to have sex. Not everybody’s a pussy magnet. You, uh, what are you, 25?
Andy Stitzer: I’m 40.
Mooj: Holy shit, man, you got to get on that!
[after getting his chest partially waxed]
Andy Stitzer: This is not a good look for me!
Andy Stitzer: I need some poon! I need genital to genital connections!
[to a shirtless Andy, who has an incredibly hairy chest]
David: I love your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck?
[describing the prostitute who was really a transvestite]
Andy Stitzer: She had hands as big as Andre the Giant’s, and she had an Adam’s apple as big as her balls.
[Trish and Andy are on the bed, kissing]
Trish: Do you have protection?
Andy Stitzer: I don’t like guns.
Andy Stitzer: I’m gonna tell her.
Cal: You should totally tell her.
Andy Stitzer: I’m going to.
Cal: ‘Cause I watched this movie called “Liar Liar” and the message was, “Don’t lie.” And that was a smart movie.
(500) Days of Summer (2009)
[Tom’s boss reads the message on a valentine’s card that Tom has written after he’s been dumped by Summer]
Vance: Roses are red, violets are blue…Fuck you, whore!
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
Ed Harken: A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity on the news team.
Champ Kind: What in the hell’s diversity?
Ron Burgundy: Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
Brick Tamland: I’m Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.
Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh!
Brian Fantana: That’s the smell of desire my lady.
Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper…filled with…Indian food. Oh, excuse me.
Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people.
News Station Employee: [disgusted] What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
News Station Employee: [horrified] Smells like Bigfoot’s dick!
[Brian tries to act casual and walk away]
Brian Fantana: Woh, what’s that smell?
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (2013)
Ron Burgundy: Let me ask you something, and I’m not trying to be funny here. Are you sure he’s not a midget with a learning disability?
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American Reunion (2012)
Jim’s Dad: I have not had a night like that since the seventies.
Jim: [disgusted] Don’t need this.
Jim’s Dad: You’d be surprised what you can do…with a well placed thumb.
Annie Hall (1977)
Alvy Singer: It’s mental masturbation!
Annie Hall: And you would know all about that, wouldn’t you?
Alvy Singer: Hey, don’t knock masturbation! It’s sex with someone I love.
Alvy Singer: Don’t you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we’re left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.
[talking about California]
Annie Hall: It’s so clean out here.
Alvy Singer: That’s because they don’t throw their garbage away, they turn it into television shows.
Alvy Singer: You know, I…I feel that life is…is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. Those are the two categories, you know. The…the horrible would be like, um…I don’t know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don’t know how they get through life. It’s amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else. That’s…that’s so…so when you go through life, you should be thankful that you’re miserable because you’re very lucky to be miserable.
As Good as It Gets (1997)
[enters his psychiatrist’s office]
Melvin Udall: Hi.
[shuts the door, turns and yells]
Melvin Udall: Help!
Dr. Green: If you want to see me, you will not do this. You will make an appointment.
Melvin Udall: Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone as an obsessive compulsive disorder, and then act like I have some choice about barging in here?
Melvin Udall: People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.
Carol Connelly: Okay, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you…
Melvin Udall: It’s not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that’s their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you’re that pissed that so many others had it good.
[introducing Carol to Simon]
Melvin Udall: Carol the waitress, Simon the fag.
Carol Connelly: When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome…and then, of course, you spoke.
Melvin Udall: Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there’s a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there’s a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you’re going to faint. Even then, don’t come knocking. Or, if it’s election night, and you’re excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he’s going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don’t knock. Not on this door. Not for any reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?
Simon Bishop: Um, yes. It’s not a…subtle point that you’re making.
Melvin Udall: Okay then.
[shuts door in Simon’s face]
[sitting in the bar after he’s insulted Carol and she’s storms out]
Melvin Udall: Well, it’s not right to go into details, I got nervous. I screwed up, I said the wrong thing. Where if I hadn’t, I could be in bed right now with a woman who, if you make her laugh, you got a life. Instead I’m here with you…
[gestures to bartender]
Melvin Udall: No offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.
Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.
Simon Bishop: The best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.
[after Carol arrives at Melvin’s apartment in the middle of the night]
Carol Connelly: I’m not going to sleep with you! I will never sleep with you, never, ever! Not ever!
Melvin Udall: Well, I’m sorry, but…we don’t open for the “no sex oaths” until 9am.
[to Simon after he’s been released from hospital for being beaten up and robbed]
Melvin Udall: You’re a disgrace to depression.
August: Osage County (2013)
Barbara Weston: Marriage is hard.
Karen Weston: That’s one thing about Mom and Dad, you gotta tip your hat to anybody who could stay married that long.
Ivy Weston: Karen, he killed himself.
Charles Aiken: So, I’m curious. You don’t eat meat of any kind?
Jean Fordham: Right. When you eat meat, you ingest an animal’s fear.
Violet Weston: Ingest what? It’s fur?!
Jean Fordham: Fear!
[everyone starts laughing]
Charles Aiken: You can’t eat fear!
Bill Fordham: Our kid is trying to deal with this mad house you dragged her into!
Barbara Weston: This isn’t a mad house, this is my home.
Bill Fordham: Yeah, think about that statement for a second.
Violet Weston: I have an Indian in my house.
Barbara Weston: They’re called Native Americans, Mom.
Violet Weston: They aren’t any more native than me.
Barbara Weston: In fact, they are.
Violet Weston: Let’s call the dinosaurs Native Americans while we’re at it.
[they start laughing]
Ivy Weston: You supposed to be smoking?
Violet Weston: Is anybody supposed to be smoke?!
Violet Weston: Soon you’ll be gone and never to return.
Barbara Weston: Don’t start with that.
Violet Weston: Your father, you broke his heart when you moved away.
Barbara Weston: That is widely unfair.
Violet Weston: You were Beverly’s favorite, you know that?
Barbara Weston: I prefer to think my parents loved their children equally.
Violet Weston: I’m sure you prefer to think that Santa Clause brought you presents too.
Barbara Weston: Thank God we can’t tell the future, we’d never get out of bed.
Austin Powers (1997)
Dr. Evil: My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it’s breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
Bad Words (2013)
Eric Tai’s Mother: You’re an asshole.
[pointing to Chaitainya]
Guy Trilby: That’s a child.
Eric Tai’s Mother: Yes.
Guy Trilby: So why don’t you take your potty mouth, go locate your pre-teen cocksucker son and stuff him back that old blown out sweat sock of a giant vagina and screw it off to whatever shit kicking town you came from.
Chaitainya Chopra: I was in last year’s tournament. I overheard you say you’re going too. You’re the grown up that’s competing, huh? I heard about you. What was the winning word?
Guy Trilby: I don’t know.
Chaitainya Chopra: What was the word you spelt to win your regional to get here?
Guy Trilby: I don’t fucking remember. Do you see my eyes closed?
Chaitainya Chopra: Mine was inteligencia.
Guy Trilby: Awesome.
Chaitainya Chopra: Come on, try. How could you forget? It such a special word.
[there’s a pause then Guy opens his eyes and finally answers]
Guy Trilby: It was autofellatio. Okay?
Chaitainya Chopra: Yeah.
Chaitainya Chopra: I’ve never heard of that word. What’s its origin?
Guy Trilby: Loneliness. If you don’t point that curry-hole that way and sit your fucking ass down on that seat, I’m gonna tell the Captain that your bag’s ticking.
The Big Year (2011)
Stu: Am I nuts, Edith?
Edith: Are you asking me as a therapist or as a wife?
Stu: Which one is cheaper?
Blazing Saddles (1974)
Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir?
Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down.
[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]
Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists!
[Taggart finally finds a pen and paper]
Taggart: Could you repeat that, sir?
Bart: I’m rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town.
Jim: See? In another twenty-five years, you’ll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.
[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle]
Bart: A man drink like that and he don’t eat, he is going to die.
Jim: [eagerly] When?
Jim: What did you expect? “Welcome, sonny”, “Make yourself at home”, “Marry my daughter”. You’ve got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know…morons.
[explaining why he became a drunk]
Jim: Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word “draw” in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say, “Reach for it, mister!” I spun around…and there I was, face-to-face with a six-year old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I’ve been there ever since.
Hedley Lamarr: Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property…the rightful owners.
Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape.
[Taggart finds everyone at the camp farting whilst eating beans]
Lyle: How ’bout some more beans, Mr. Taggart?
[Taggart fans his hat in the air to remove the foul stench]
Taggart: I’d say you’ve had enough!
Bart: Hey, Charlie. What is it that’s not exactly water and it ain’t exactly earth?
Bart, Charlie: Quicksand!
Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Taggart: God darnit, Mr. Lamarr. You use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
[Lamarr gives Taggart a look]
Hedley Lamarr: Shit-kicker.
Megan: I’m glad he’s single, cause I’m gonna climb that like a tree.
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The Campaign (2012)
[as they shake hands in front of the news crew and reporters]
Cam Brady: How you doin’?
Marty Huggins: Hate to break it to you friend, but uh…you’re balloon’s gettin’ ready to pop. And that balloon is full of your own butt toots.
Cam Brady: Are you tryin’ to trash talk me? You’re mama’s like a vacuum cleaner. She sucks, she blows and gets laid in a closet.
[Brady shakes Marty’s hand hard]
Cam Brady: That’s what nuts feel like.
Marty Huggins: Stop it!
[looking in a small handheld mirror]
Cam Brady: How’s my hair?
Mitch: Strong. So Strong.
Cam Brady: My hair could lift a car off a baby if it had to.
Cam Brady: That’s what I like to hear.
Marty Huggins: This has been my dream, running for office.
Reporter: You’re challenging our four term congressman, how do you expect to do that?
[Marty doesn’t reply and looks blankly at the news reporter’s camera]
Marty Huggins: Uh…say that again?
[at the dinner table with his family]
Marty Huggins: Now that I’m running for congress, we’re gonna be under a lot of scrutiny. Anybody have anything that they wanna share with us?
Dylan Huggins: I said the lord’s name in vain at school.
Marty Huggins: Is that it?
Clay Huggins: I went to the petting zoo and I let the goat lick my weaner.
[giving a speech in a Jewish Synagogue]
Marty Huggins: Washington D.C. is a mess.
[turns to the rabbi standing next to him]
Marty Huggins: How do you say ‘it’s a mess’ in Hebrew
Marty Huggins: Donkey Kon?
[giving a speech on his campaign trail]
Cam Brady: Let me hear a Cam Brady o-twelve.
[suddenly the snake he’s holding in his hand bites his arm]
Cam Brady: Oh, shove a throwing star up a Chinese mu…!
[the crowd looks appalled]
Cam Brady: I refuse to lose! And I will win!
Cam Brady: Marty Huggins, what you got there? Is that a crossbow?
[suddenly Marty shoots a bow and it lands in Brady’s leg]
Cam Brady: Ah! Ho! Black Hawk down!
Tim Wattley: Gentlemen, we got some babies to kiss.
Cam Brady: That’s my baby to kiss!
Marty Huggins: Stop it!
[as Marty goes to kiss the baby being held by it’s mother, Brady goes to punch him out of the way but Marty moves out of the way and Brady punches the baby instead]
Mitch: He just punched a baby.
Cam Brady: Is anyone asking how my hand feels after punching that iron like jaw of that baby?
Cars 2 (2011)
Finn McMissile: Finn McMissile, British intelligence.
Mater: Tow Mater, average intelligence.
The Change-Up (2011)
Dave: You’re living the dream, Mitch. Having children, it’s…it’s like, it’s living with little mini-heroin addicts. You know, they’re laughing one minute and then they’re crying the next. And then they trying to kill themselves in the bathroom for no good reason. They’re very mean and selfish and burn through your money. And they break shit…
Mitch: Got it! Got it! Got it! Come on!
Dave: Tell me about your women. Please!
Mitch: I have been keeping company with a number of nice ladies.
[going through photos of the women he’s seeing]
Mitch: This, right here is Brenda. She wants it in missionary, Wheelbarrow, the Arabian Goggles, the Lonesome Dove, the Arsenio Hall, the Jelly Donut, the Pastrami Sandwich, the Wolfgang Puck. And let me tell you something, no man is that hungry.
Dave: What? I don’t even know what these are!
Mitch: You’re married. You’re married, Dave.
Dave: Good point.
[referring to the woman in the photo]
Dave: What is her name?
Mitch: That is Tatiana.
Dave: Wow! And what’s her last name?
Mitch: Tatiana, calls me at three in the morning and wants to fuck steam. Who gives a shit!
Dave: Right. Got it!
Mitch: So I can’t sleep with my wife, I can’t sleep with other women. What the hell is that?
Tai: Cher, you’re a virgin?!
Cher: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Dionne: Besides, the PC term is “Hymenally challenged”.
Heather: It’s just like Hamlet said, “To thine own self be true.”
Cher: Hamlet didn’t say that.
Heather: I think I remember Hamlet accurately.
Cher: Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn’t say that. That Polonius guy did.
Josh: You look like Pippi Longstocking.
Cher: Well you look like Forrest Gump. Who’s Pippi Longstocking?
Josh: Someone Mel Gibson never played.
Amber: Ms. Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn’t want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.
Dionne: [sarcastically] Well, there goes your social life.
[after taking her drivers test]
Cher: So, how did I do?
DMV Tester: How’d you do? Well, let’s just see shall we? You can’t park, you can’t change lanes, you can’t make right hand turns, you damaged private property and you almost killed someone. Off hand, I’d say you failed.
Tai: Why should I listen to you, anyway? You’re a virgin who can’t drive.
Cher: That was way harsh, Tai.
Cher: Would you call me selfish?
Dionne: No, not to your face.
Cher: I want to do something for humanity.
Josh: How about sterilization?
Murray: Your man Christian is a cake boy!
Cher, Dionne: A what?
Murray: He’s a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde reading, Streissand ticket holding friend of Dorothy, know what I’m saying?
Cher: Uh-uh, no way, not even!
Murray: Yes, even. He’s gay!
Dionne: He does like to shop, Cher. And the boy can dress.
Tai: Do you think she’s pretty?
Cher: No, she’s a full-on Monet.
Tai: What’s a Monet?
Cher: It’s like a painting, see? From far away, it’s OK, but up close, it’s a big old mess. Let’s ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber?
Crazy Stupid Love (2011)
Jacob: The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner’s ball sack.
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The Croods (2013)
Guy: I’m Guy and this is Belt. We need to leave immediately, the world is ending.
Guy: Everything we’re standing on, right here, will be gone. I’m calling it ‘the end’.
[Guy gives Eep shoes to wear]
Guy: Okay, open them. I call them shoes.
[Eep opens her eyes and screams in excitement]
Eep: I love them! Where are my feet?
Guy: Don’t worry! They’re still there.
Eep: Oh, we’ve been in that cave forever!
Grug: Three days is not forever.
Eep: It is with this family.
[Grug roles his eyes]
Ugga: Mom, we’re ready to leave.
[there’s a pause as Gran doesn’t answer, Grug smiles to himself]
[Gran comes out of the cave, much to Grug’s disappointment]
Gran: Still alive!
Grug: It’s still early.
[Grug smears mud on Thunk’s face]
Grug: Paintings are so passe. I call this a snapshot.
[he hits Thunk in the face with a flat rock, leaving an impression of his face]
Thunk: Can we do that again? I think I blinked.
Eep: [voice over] We never had the change to explore the outside world, because of my dad’s one rule.
Grug: New is always bad! Never not be afraid.
Grug: Tonight, we’ll hear the story of Crispy Bear. A long time ago this little bear was alive, because she listened to her father, so she was happy. But this little bear had one terrible problem, she was filled with…curiosity! Yes! And one day she saw something new and died!
Thunk: Just like that?
Gran: Same ending as everyday.
Thunk: I get it, dad. I will never do anything new or different.
Grug: Good man, Thunk.
Despicable Me (2010)
Gru: Clearly we need to set a few rules. Rule number one: You will not touch anything.
Margo: Uh-ha. What about the floor?
Gru: Yes, you may touch the floor
Margo: What about the air?
Gru: Yes, you may touch the air.
Edith: What about this?
[she holds a ray gun on her hands, the laser sight aimed at Gru]
Gru: Aah! Where did you get that?
Edith: Found it.
[Gru takes it away from her]
Gru: Rule number two: You will not bother me while I’m working. Rule number three: You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or barf or fart! So no, no, no annoying sounds. All right?
Agnes: Does this count as annoying?
[makes annoying sound with her cheeks, Gru stops her]
[Gru is showing Mr. Perkins his plans, using pictures on an easel]
Gru: I fly to the moon, I shrink the moon, I grab the moon, I sit on the toilet bowl…what?!
[sees a child’s drawing in his plans of himself sitting on a toilet bowl]
Gru: We are going to pull of the true crime of the century…we are going to steal the MOON!
Gru: We stole the Statue of Liberty…
[the minions cheer]
Gru: …the small one, from Las Vegas!
[the cheering stops]
Dr. Nefario: Here’s the new weapon you ordered.
[shoots minion with the fart gun]
Gru: No, no, no. I said DART gun!
Dr. Nefario: Oh, yes. Cause I was wondering…under what circumstances would we use this?
Gru: Do you speak Spanish?
Miss Hattie: Do I look like someone who speaks Spanish?
Gru: It’s just that your face is so…Como es burro.
[thinking it’s a compliment]
Miss Hattie: Oh! Why, thank you!
Despicable Me 2 (2013)
Silas Ramsbottom: We are the Anti-Villain League, dedicated to fighting crime on a global scale. A new villain has surfaced. You know how a villain thinks, that’s why we’ve brought you here. I am the League’s director, Silas Ramsbottom.
[one of the minions looks to the minion next to him and chuckles]
[both minions laugh]
Silas Ramsbottom: Hilarious.
[to Dr. Nefario]
Gru: Just because everybody hates it doesn’t mean it’s not good.
Lucy Wilde: Mr. Gru, Agent Lucy Wilde of the Anti-Villain League.
[shows her badge to Gru]
Lucy Wilde: You’re gonna have to come with me.
Gru: Oh, sorry. I…
[Gru pulls out his plasma blaster gun and shoots at Lucy, who calmly takes out her own gun which counter attacks Gru’s plasma blaster]
Lucy Wilde: You know, you really should announce your weapons after your fire them.
[Lucy takes out her lipstick]
Lucy Wilde: For example.
[she points her lipstick at Gru which sends electric shock through Gru’s body]
Lucy Wilde: Lipstick taser!
[gives Edith a good night kiss]
Gru: Good night, Edith.
[goes over to Margo]
Gru: Good night, Margo.
[gives Margo a goodnight kiss, who’s texting on her phone, Gru comes back]
Gru: Woh! Hold your horses. Who are you texting?
Margo: My friend Avery.
Gru: Avery. Avery?
[Gru looks confused]
Gru: Is that a girl’s name or a boy’s name?
Margo: Does it matter?
Gru: No! No, it doesn’t matter, unless it’s a boy!
Agnes: I know what makes you a boy.
[turns to Agnes]
Gru: Ooh…you do?
Agnes: Your bald head.
[Gru looks relieved]
Gru: Oh, yes.
[Agnes creates an imaginary line around Gru’s head with her fingers]
Agnes: Sometimes I stare at it and imagine a little chick popping out.
[imitates a chick hatchling]
Gru: Good night, Agnes.
[gives Agnes a good night kiss]
Gru: Never get older.
The Dictator (2012)
[Aladeen approaches the NYPD]
General Aladeen: Is there any way you could lend me some money? Maybe twenty million dollars.
[recording his speech to the camera]
General Aladeen: I am for free press, fair elections and equal rights for women…
[he starts to laugh]
General Aladeen: I can’t say that!
Clayton: Admiral General, welcome to New York city. And while you’re here, I highly recommend a visit to the Empire State Building, before you or one of your cousins takes it down.
[Zoey is giving Aladeen a ride on her motorcycle, Aladeen is sat behind her]
Zoey: Could you please take your hands off my breasts?
General Aladeen: Those are breasts? I thought you were a boy!
General Aladeen: I accept your job offer as general manager.
Zoey: Well, you can’t be the manager because I’m the manager.
General Aladeen: Well, I can if I kill you.
Zoey: Okay. Well…
[as he’s riding through New York]
General Aladeen: Ah, America! The birth place of Aids.
[after having sex with Megan Fox]
General Aladeen: Megan, you were worth every penny.
[Aladeen has laid out gold watch, diamonds and rubies to pay Megan Fox for having sex with him]
General Aladeen: I trust everything is in there as your manager requested?
[Megan picks up a small piece of ruby]
Megan Fox: What’s this, a ruby? Is that a joke? What am I, a Kardashian?
General Aladeen: No, of course not. You’re much less hairy.
Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Harry: One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu.
Mary: Really? That’s weird.
Harry: Yeah, we called it a bullshit.
Harry: I can’t believe we drove around all day, and there’s not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.
Harry: Nice set of hooters you got there!
Mary: I beg your pardon?
Harry: The owls! They’re beautiful!
State Trooper: Pullover!
Harry: No, it’s a cardigan but thanks for noticing.
Lloyd: Yeah, killer boots man!
Harry: I thought the Rocky Mountains would be a little rockier than this.
Lloyd: Yeah, that John Denver is full of shit, man.
Harry: Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.
Dumb and Dumber To (2014)
Harry Dunne: Woh. Check out the hotties at twelve o’clock.
Lloyd Christmas: That’s three hours away. Why can’t I check ’em out now?
[Harry turns Lloyd round and he gasps when he notices the two women]
Harry Dunne: This is my associate, Dr. Christmas.
Dr. Lewis Meldman: Christmas, as in the holiday?
Lloyd Christmas: No, as in the tree.
Lloyd Christmas: I like what you’ve done with the place.
[picking up the cat on the couch]
Lloyd Christmas: Who’s this?
Harry Dunne: Oh, that’s Butthole. I found him out in the alley.
Lloyd Christmas: Why did you name him Butthole?
Harry Dunne: Because of this.
[Harry pulls up the cats tail to reveal it’s butthole]
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah. Good name. Totally fits.
[walking up to the front door of a house]
Lloyd Christmas: Want to know the second most annoying sound in the world?
Harry Dunne: Sure.
[starts banging his hand on the door bell repeatedly ringing it]
Harry Dunne: Yeah, that’s pretty annoying.
Lloyd Christmas: No, not that.
[suddenly the door opens]
Mrs. Stainer: [yelling] What the hell are you doing ringing our door bell like that in the middle of the nigh?!
Lloyd Christmas: That.
Due Date (2010)
[to his father’s ashes]
Ethan Tremblay: Dad, you were like a father to me.
See more Due Date Quotes
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
Ed Rooney: Last thing I need at this point in my career is fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller disciples running around these halls. He jeopardizes my ability to effectively govern this student body.
Grace: Well, makes you look like an ass is what he does, Ed.
Ed Rooney: I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.
Grace: Oh, he’s very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads, they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.
Ferris: Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond.
[Rooney thinks he’s just caught Ferris]
Ed Rooney: Les jeux sont faits. Translation: the game is up. Your ass is mine.
Anna: Olaf, you’re melting.
Olaf: Some people are worth melting for.
[as his face starts to melt he tries to hold it up]
Olaf: Just maybe not right this second!
See more Frozen Quotes
Get Hard (2015)
Darnell Lewis: Your training is not going well, man. I got a plan.
James King: Thank God.
Darnell Lewis: You’re gonna learn how to suck dick.
James King: What?
Darnell Lewis: When life throws you dick, you make dickade.
James King: Dickade doesn’t sound like a significant improvement over dick.
James King: My life is ruined, because after thirty days I’m going to prison! It’s not as bad as I’ve heard, is it?
Darnell Lewis: Hell, yeah, it’s bad!
James King: Teach me how to survive in prison, the way you did!
Darnell Lewis: Tell me how you know I went to prison?
James King: Given your low economic status…
Darnell Lewis: Wait, what?
James King: Your perceived lack of college education…
Darnell Lewis: Lack of… Okay.
James King: Statistically, you definitely went to prison.
[Darnell shakes King’s hand]
Darnell Lewis: I’ll see you tomorrow, convict.
[walks into the neighborhood dressed in ghetto outfit]
James King: Hello.
Man in Neighborhood: Who the hell are you?
James King: I don’t think they’ve ever seen a white person before.
Darnell Lewis: Trust me, that is not the problem.
Darnell Lewis: Now if you do exactly what I say, you will definitely survive in prison. Let’s see what your mad dog face look like.
James King: I’m sorry, what’s a mad dog?
[suddenly looks angry]
Darnell Lewis: Your mad dog! Like Pit Bull with no leash.
[King bursts into tears]
Darnell Lewis: What are you doing, James?
James King: I’m sad dogging you.
Darnell Lewis: James…
James King: I think that’s a strategy that could work. Please don’t sexually assault me, I’m already too sad.
[as Darnell prison yard trains King]
Darnell Lewis: You’re on the wrong part of the yard, white boy. What you lost, sissy?
James King: I’m very confused.
Darnell Lewis: Then go back to where you belong!
James King: I don’t know where I belong!
Darnell Lewis: I know where you belong. You belong with me.
[smiles at King]
James King: I don’t want that.
The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)
M. Gustave: You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that’s what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant…oh, fuck it.
[to his officers]
Henckels: I want road blocks at every junction for fifty kilometers. I want rail blocks at every train station for a hundred kilometers. I want fifty men and ten blood hounds ready in five minutes.
Ludwig: Nobody is saying it’s a stroll down a tree light promenade with a fine lady and white poodle, but it’s got what you’d call, vulnerability.
M. Gustave: Have you ever been questioned by the authorities?
Zero Moustafa: Yes, on one occasion.
M. Gustave: What, about what?
Zero Moustafa: I was arrested and tortured by the rebel militia after the desert uprising.
M. Gustave: Right. Well, you know the drill then. Zip it.
M. Gustave: What is a lobby boy? A lobby boy is completely invisible, yet always in sight. A lobby boy remembers what people hate. A lobby boy anticipates the client’s needs before the needs are needed. A lobby boy is, above all, discreet to a fault. Our guests know that their deepest secrets, some of which are frankly rather unseemly, will go with us to our graves. So keep your mouth shut, Zero.
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
Groot: I am Groot.
Peter Quill: Well that’s just as fascinating as the first eighty-nine times. What is wrong with Giving Tree here?
Rocket Raccoon: Well he don’t know talkin’ good like me and you, so his vocabulistics is limited to “I” and “am” and “Groot,” exclusively in that order.
Peter Quill: Well I tell you what, that’s gonna wear real thin, real fast, bud.
See more Guardians of the Galaxy Quotes
The Guilt Trip (2012)
Joyce Brewster: You seeing anyone?
Andy Brewster: Are you seeing anyone?
Joyce Brewster: Please, don’t be disgusting. I thought you were seeing that girl with the exotic name.
Andy Brewster: Bethany?!
Andy Brewster: Do you have any rooms available?
Hotel Clerk: One for you and your lady?
Andy Brewster: A lady?!
Joyce Brewster: Andy, they have clip-on fog earings!
[Andy looks at the hotel clerk, who’s smiles and winks at Andy]
Andy Brewster: Oh, dude! Don’t wink at me! It’s my mother! Are you insane?!
[stopping in front of what seems like a restaurant]
Joyce Brewster: Look, there’s a restaurant! Does that say tapass? I love tapass!
[Jessica starts walking towards it, Andy looks closer and sees that it’s a strip club with the lights on the letters L and E gone out on the sign that says ‘TOPLESS’]
Andy Brewster: That’s not what it says, mom!
[at the strip club]
Andy Brewster: Please, don’t sit near me.
Joyce Brewster: When you were a baby your penis started to turn purple.
Andy Brewster: I almost threw up all over the table.
Joyce Brewster: You’d tell me if your penis started to turn purple again.
Andy Brewster: My penis could literally grow an eyeball and I wouldn’t tell you.
[standing at the edge of cliff at Grand Canyon]
Joyce Brewster: I always wanted to see the Grand Canyon!
Andy Brewster: I know!
Joyce Brewster: How long are we supposed to look at it?
Andy Brewster: Ten minutes? Seems disrespectful to look at it for any less.
Joyce Brewster: But Who’ll know?
Andy Brewster: That’s a good point.
The Hangover (2009)
Phil Wenneck: Now, let’s just calm down.
Stu Price: You fucking calm down! He drugged us! I lost a tooth! I married a whore!
See more The Hangover Quotes
The Hangover Part II (2011)
Alan: I’m going to miss you monkey. I wish monkeys could Skype. Maybe one day.
See more The Hangover Part II Quotes
The Hangover Part III (2013)
Alan: I can’t believe my daddy is dead. I can think of so many people I would rather have died first, like my mother.
See more The Hangover Part III Quotes
Happy Feet Two (2011)
Carmen: You, me? Fat chance!
Ramon: I have a chance! And it’s fat!
Carmen: Ramon, you’re beautiful.
Ramon: Only on the outside.
Will the Krill: I’m moving up the food chain. I’m gonna go chew on something that has a face!
Bill the Krill: No! No! No! No!
[suddenly Will takes a bite out of a giant seal]
Will the Krill: A little chewy.
Bill the Krill: You just nibbled on its butt!
The Heat (2013)
Mullins: You are killing us out there, you don’t fit in! Take off that fucking jacket.
Ashburn: This is…this is a good jacket.
Mullins: Really? Cause you look like you’re gonna set up a table and do their fucking taxes!
See more The Heat Quotes
The Help (2011)
Eugenia ‘Skeeter’ Phelan: I got a job today.
Charlotte Phelan: Where?
Eugenia ‘Skeeter’ Phelan: Writin’ for the Jackson Journal.
Charlotte Phelan: Great. You can write my obituary; Charlotte Phelan. Dead. Her daughter still single!
Eugenia ‘Skeeter’ Phelan: Mother, would it be really so bad if I never had a husband?
Charlotte Phelan: Skeeter!
See more The Help Quotes
Horrible Bosses (2011)
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Motherfucker Jones.
Dale Arbus: Your first name is Motherfucker?!
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Last name Jones. You got a problem with that?
Dale Arbus: No! No! Cool name. Yeah. Is that like on your birth certificate?
[Kurt elbows Dale to stop asking questions]
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: My real name is Dean.
Nick Hendricks: Dean Jones. That’s the same name of the actor in Herbie The Love Bug.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, he’s not gonna know who that is.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I know who he is, bitch!
Kurt Buckman: Sorry.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I can’t walk around this fuckin’ neighborhood with that Disney-assed name!
See more Horrible Bosses Quotes
Horrible Bosses 2 (2014)
Nick Hendricks: Name me one movie where the kidnappers weren’t incarcerated?
Kurt Buckman: Nine to Five.
Dale Arbus: Nine to Five.
Kurt Buckman: Nive to Five was this movie…
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I know what Nine to Five is. It’s about the white woman with the big ass titties.
Dale Arbus: That’s the one.
[Nick, Dale and Kurt visit Dave in prison]
Dave Harken: Hello, Nick.
Dave Harken: Guy who saved my life.
Dave Harken: Guy who fucked my wife.
Kurt Buckman: Ah, it was a blow…
Dale Arbus: Shh…
[Nick uses the prison phone handset to hit Kurt in the face]
Kurt Buckman: Oh…
Dale Arbus: Let him do the uh…let him do the…
Kurt Buckman: Okay. Sorry.
Dave Harken: So what do you want from me.
Kurt Buckman: To tell her I said hi, please.
Dave Harken: You options are…
Dale Arbus: Legal options.
[shouts down the prison phone handset but only Nick can hear as he’s holding the other phone on the other side of the glass]
Dave Harken: Jack shit!
Dale Arbus: I heard Jack Lebowitz, is that an attorney?
Kurt Buckman: Gotta be.
Dale Arbus: I’m gonna write that down. Jack Lebowitz.
Kurt Buckman: Can we get his contact info please?
Dale Arbus: Can we have his contact info?
Julia Harris: I’m gonna call the police and I’m gonna send you all to jail.
Kurt Buckman: God…
Julia Harris: Unless, you guys fuck me.
[as they get ready]
Kurt Buckman: Alright, here we go.
Dale Arbus: Can we like come up with a game plan? I don’t want to commit adultery on my wife, I’m sorry.
Kurt Buckman: I got a plan. Okay, um…areas. Uh…we go, uh…
[pointing to Nick, himself then Dale]
Kurt Buckman: Back, face, puss. Yeah?
Dale Arbus: No, I can’t take the puss! That’s gonna make me the most guilty!
Julia Harris: Have you ever done it in a dentist’s chair?
Nick Hendricks: Why don’t you go get the chair ready. I’m just gonna visit the men’s room real quick.
Julia Harris: You’re welcome to do that on me.
Nick Hendricks: Oh, uh…well, it’s, uh…it’s a…
[he hold up two fingers]
Julia Harris: And?
Menacing Voice: Give us the five hundred thousand dollars, or the grown man…dies!
[we see Dale and Kurt sat in the car with Dale putting on a pretend menacing voice]
Dale Arbus: You have twenty-four hours.
Kurt Buckman: I wish you were there to read it to us. Sounds scary as hell that voice.
Dale Arbus: Well, that’s why I wanted scary letters.
Kurt Buckman: I think we’re really good at this.
Dale Arbus: We’re extremely good at it.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah.
Dale Arbus: And I didn’t want to say anything either, but like way better than murder.
Kurt Buckman: Oh, my God. A lot better than murder.
Dale Arbus: You know, we kind of found our groove.
Kurt Buckman: This is fun.
[pointing to the ransom letter with the cut out letters]
Dale Arbus: I’ve got a glue stick and I’m gonna lock this in.
Kurt Buckman: Oh, great.
[Nick enters the car]
Nick Hendricks: We are all clear. Let’s go.
[as he shuts the door it blows off the cut out letters from Dale’s ransom letter everywhere]
Dale Arbus: Are you kidding me, man?!
Rex: I want to partner up on this thing.
Kurt Buckman: The kidnapping is off.
Rex: No, no, no. It’s on.
Nick Hendricks: No, it’s off.
Rex: Okay. I think I’ll call the police.
[pointing to Dale]
Rex: This little one assaulted me.
[he starts hitting himself and banging his head on the desk]
Dale Arbus: What?!
Kurt Buckman: He fights with himself! Holy shit, he fight clubbed himself! We have a fight clubber!
[Nick, Dale and Kurt are being interviewed on Good Morning Los Angeles]
Presenter: Every week we like to highlight local inventors and entrepreneurs. What is it that inspired three regular Joe’s to go into business for yourselves?
Nick Hendricks: Well, we were all working in pretty terrible jobs for some awful bosses and just thought if we ever got a chance to be our own bosses that we’d do things differently.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. We came up with uh…”Shower Buddy.”
Dale Arbus: I’m sorry, that name is not official yet. I wanted a “Shower Daddy.”
Nick Hendricks: Shower Daddy is worse on pretty much every level, so.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah.
Dale Arbus: Why would your buddy be in the shower with you?
Kurt Buckman: Why would your dad?!
Identity Thief (2013)
Trish Patterson: This is crazy! You don’t chase criminals! You’re not Batman!
Sandy: I can handle her. She’s like a hobbit, I’m going after Bilbo.
Inside Out (2015)
Sadness: Crying helps me slow down and obsess over the weight of life’s problems.
See more Inside Out Quotes
The Internship (2013)
Nick: We’re looking at some sort of mental Hunger Games against a bunch of genius kids for just like a handful of jobs.
Stuart: Our team’s a joke.
Nick: You guy’s gotta start believing.
Billy: This reminds me of a little girl from a steel down who had the dream to dance. She had to strip down to nothing, she had to sit in that chair and arch her back, and she reached up and pulled the chain from nowhere and doused herself with water.
Stuart: Flashdance? You’re talking about the movie from the eighties.
Billy: Yeah, you’re damn right I am.
Stuart: Why don’t the two of you guys right now go and find the programmer.
Yo-Yo: His name name is Charles Xavier.
Mayha: He’s a professor at Stanford.
Stuart: He’s in a wheelchair.
Billy: Got it. Stanford. Wheelchair.
[Billy and Nick approach a bald guy in a wheelchair in Stanford]
Billy: Charles Xavier?
Guy in Wheelchair: Very funny.
Billy: Professor Xavier, we know that it’s you.
Guy in Wheelchair: You found me out. Cyclops, Rogue, we’re all here. Now come closer, I want to share some of my wisdom with you.
[Billy leans down closer, suddenly the guy in the wheelchair punches Billy in the face and Nick in the nuts and wheels away]
Billy: Professor Xavier is a total…!
Mr. Chetty: Your first challenge; create and app.
[turning to the other interns]
Nick: Idea time.
Billy: Folks are taking photo’s all the time, so what if, you take that photo and you put it out there on the line?
Billy: And you share it with our friends.
Stuart: That’s Instagram.
Billy: Well, mine’s more of a social sharing on the line.
Stuart: Quick interjection. When you say ‘on the line’, you mean online?
The Interview (2014)
Dave Skylark: This whole time I thought you were Samwise to my Frodo. But you’re just Boromir!
Aaron Rapaport: I don’t know who the fuck that is!
Dave Skylark: “I don’t know who Boromir is.” That’s such a Boromir thing to say!
Dave Skylark: He’s peanut butter and jealous!
Aaron Rapaport: What’s there to be jealous of?
Dave Skylark: They hate us cause they ain’t us!
Aaron Rapaport: They don’t hate us cause they ain’t us!
Dave Skylark: Hate us cause they ain’t us!
Aaron Rapaport: Stop saying that.
Dave Skylark: Ssh. Haters gonna hate. And ain’ters gonna ain’t.
Aaron Rapaport: That is not an actual thing people say.
Agent Lacey: The CIA would love it if you two could…take him out.
Dave Skylark: Hmm?
Agent Lacey: Take him out.
Dave Skylark: Take him out?
Aaron Rapaport: Like for drinks?
Agent Lacey: No, no, no. Take him out.
Dave Skylark: Take out…like to dinner?
Aaron Rapaport: Take him out to a meal?
Agent Lacey: Take him out.
Aaron Rapaport: Like on the town?
Dave Skylark: To party?
Agent Lacey: No, uh…take him out.
Aaron Rapaport: You want us to assassinate the leader of North Korea.
Agent Lacey: Yes.
Dave Skylark: Whaaat?
Aaron Rapaport: I just wish we had an escape plan.
Dave Skylark: Why don’t we go to Japan?
Aaron Rapaport: Korea’s across the Sea of Japan.
Dave Skylark: Why don’t we swim?
Aaron Rapaport: Can’t swim that.
Dave Skylark: Oh, I’m a good swimmer.
Aaron Rapaport: It’s really, really far.
Dave Skylark: People have done it.
Aaron Rapaport: Nope.
Dave Skylark: Yep, Michael Phelps did it.
Aaron Rapaport: That’s not true.
Agent Lacey: Kim Jong-Un is a master manipulator. His people revere him as a god. They’ll believe anything he tells them, including that he can speak to dolphins or he doesn’t urinate
Dave Skylark: Woh, woh, woh, woh. You telling me my man doesn’t pee or poop?
Agent Lacey: I’m telling you he does, and he lies to his people and they believe him.
Aaron Rapaport: Everybody pees and poops. Where would it go otherwise? He’d explode.
Dave Skylark: But he does talk to dolphins.
Dave Skylark: Holy fuck-a-moley! Is that real?
Kim Jong-Un: It was gift to my grandfather from Stalin.
Dave Skylark: In my country it’s pronounced Stallone.
Dave Skylark: Kim must die! That’s the American way.
Sook: How many times can you expect to make the same mistake?
Dave Skylark: As many times as it takes!
Jack and Jill (2011)
Jill: Are you going bald?
Jill: No! No! No! You’re getting fatter and your hair doesn’t realize it needs to cover more face.
Office Worker #1: What’s this about a twin?
Office Worker #2: Jack here has a twin sister.
Office Worker #1: Identical or paternal?
Office Worker #2: Uh…nocturnal, like a bat.
Al Pacino: Your sister and I grew up on the same street. When I look at her I see me.
Jack: When I look at her I see me too.
Erin: Some twins can feel when the other one’s hurt.
[Jill slaps herself in the face and looks at Jack to see if he feels the pain]
Jack: I didn’t feel it.
[Jill slaps herself in the face a little harder]
Jack: Little harder.
[Jill slaps herself in the face more harder]
Erin: No, Jill, stop it! He’s kidding.
[suddenly Gary punches Jill hard in the face]
Gary: Feel that, daddy?
Jack: I actually did feel something there. Pride in my son.
Joyful Noise (2012)
G.G. Sparrow: Well I am who I am!
Vi Rose Hill: Well maybe you were, five procedures ago.
[to Vi Rose]
G.G. Sparrow: Who cares if I got a few little nips and tucks? God didn’t make plastic surgeons so they could starve!
[as G.G. is trying to hit Vi Rose]
Vi Rose Hill: Quit it with those nails, Edward Scissorhands!
Leah: Dude, I think it’s best to just tell ’em.
Juno MacGuff: I’m Pregnant.
Bren: Oh, God.
Juno MacGuff: But, uh…ah, I’m going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they’re going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And…and what…in thirty or odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
Mac MacGuff: You’re pregnant?
Juno MacGuff: I’m sorry. I’m sorry…and if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven’t taken a dump since Wednesday…morning.
[after Juno’s parents have found out she’s pregnant]
Mac MacGuff: Did you see that coming?
Bren: Yeah…but I was hoping she was expelled, or into hard drugs.
Mac MacGuff: That was my first instinct too. Or a DWI…anything but this!
Rollo: You better pay for that pee-stick when you’re done with it. Don’t think it’s yours just because you marked it with your urine!
Paulie Bleeker: I still have your underwear.
Juno MacGuff: I still have your virginity.
Juno MacGuff: Bleeker’s mom was possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a Hobbit. You know, the fat one, that was in the Goonies.
Juno MacGuff: Uhhh, I hate it when adults use the term “sexually active.” What does it even mean? Am I gonna like deactivate some day or is it a permanent state of being?
Total Quotes: 101