The Hangover 2 Quotes
(Page 2)

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[going into the tattoo parlor that Stu got his tattoo from]
Phil: Excuse me?
Tattoo Joe: Oh, look who it is? So what do you think?
Stu: What? I'm sorry?
Tattoo Joe: The tattoo? You love it?
Stu: Uh...no! Actually, I hate it.
Tattoo Joe: No refunds. Get the fuck out!
Phil: Wait a second!
Tattoo Joe: Read the sign.



Phil: We're trying to figure out what went down last night.
Tattoo Joe: What went down? Take a look what you did outside? Half the neighborhood went down.
Stu: We did that?
Tattoo Joe: You don't remember getting into a bar fight at the White Lion? Started a full on fuckin' riot!
Phil: No. Sir, we don't remember anything.



[after watching the riot they started on Tattoo Joe's cell phone]
Phil: Jesus Christ!
Tattoo Joe: That's when the cops arrived. Started cracking skulls. I took you guys and hid you in the shop here.
Phil: Woh!
[to Stu]
Tattoo Joe: Then you decided to get a tattoo. Cried like a little bitch.
[pointing to the kid sat in the tattoo chair]
Tattoo Joe: This kids fucking nine years old. He's got balls twice your size. Show him your balls.



Phil: We're looking for out friend Teddy. Have you seen him?
Tattoo Joe: Not since last night. Why? What happened?
Stu: Yeah, I'm supposed to marry his sister tomorrow and we kinda lost him.
Tattoo Joe: Oh, well. Then, fuck it!
Stu: What? What do you mean, fuck it?
Tattoo Joe: Bangkok has him now, and she'll never let him go.
[Phil turns to the old monk they released from prison]
Phil: You hear that? Huh? Is this what you wanted?
Alan: No!
Phil: You happy now?



Alan: When the monkey nibbles on a penis, it's funny in any language.



Grand Wizard: Late last night, you climbed the walls of our monastery. Shouting out question about love, marriage, and the meaning of life. Poor brother Han was meditating alone in the garden and you took him.
Stu: Oh, my God! We kidnapped a monk!
Alan: Uh...we live an alternative life style.
Phil: And we are so sorry about that. But, we weren't ourselves last night.
Stu: Yep, things kinda spun out of control a little bit. But there's a boy who's missing and hurt. Can you find out if he knows where our friend is?
Grand Wizard: Brother Han took a vow of silence many years ago. It will be useless to try.
Phil: Well, maybe he can write down what happened? On a piece of paper?
Alan: Actually Phil, that would be cheating. Isn't that right, Grand Wizard?
Phil: Alan!
Grand Wizard: I'm afraid fatty is right.
Alan: See. What?



Phil: Well, so much for holy people. Bunch of bald assholes! Come on, let go.
[turning to leave]
Phil: Hey, you know what? FYI, you may wanna put some signs up that say no talking before you unleash your dragon!
Stu: Yeah, that was a little rough.
[referring to the old monk they brought with them]
Phil: And you're welcome for bringing him back safe. You know, we found him in a drunk tank.
Stu: Yeah, well we did take him in the first place.
Phil: Come on guys, lets go.



Grand Wizard: The Buddha believe every memory lives somewhere deep within. Perhaps you should bring your question to the garden of meditation.
Phil: Did you understand a word he just said?
Stu: Yeah, I got about two thirds. He said something about the garden of meditation?
Alan: No, he said he's farting because of his medication.
[to the monk]
Alan: I get that.



[in the nightclub they'd come to the previous night]
Phil: Okay listen, we're just looking for a little kid.
Samir: Two thousand dollars.
Stu: What?!
Samir: I don't know. I mean, maybe more. Okay. How young do you want this kid to be?
Stu: No! No! No! No! Sorry, you misunderstood. We're looking for our friend, sixteen years old. Teddy?
Samir: Teddy? Yeah he was with you guys last night.
Phil: He was? Do you remember if he left with us?
Samir: I don't know you were in the corner all night with Kimmy. I didn't see you leave.
Stu: Kimmy?
Phil: Kimmy? Is she here?
Samir: Yeah, she's in the back. She just came for her shift. Go talk to her.



Samir: Listen to me, okay? Pay attention when I'm gonna talk to you now. When you see Chow, you tell him Samir says 'hello'.
Phil: Okay.
Samir: But do it like that. Okay? 'Hello'. Like threatening. Like ironic. 'Hello'.
Phil: Okay.
[Phil and Stu turn to leave, Alan walks up to Samir and mimics Samir's 'Hello']
Alan: [slowly] 'Hello'.
Samir: 'Hello'.
[trying to mimic Samir]
Alan: 'Hello'.
Samir: More 'O'. 'Hellooo'.
Alan: Hellooo.
Samir: Go away. Go away.



Stu: We didn't get married, did we?
Kimmy: Of course not. We just had some fun in the chardonnay room.
Phil: What...what uh...happens in the chardonnay room?
Stu: Okay, let's just stay on task here.
Kimmy: Oh, you know. Dance for him. He tickle me. We had sex. Massage his shoulders.
Stu: Fuck!
Phil: It's okay. Hey, you're not married yet. It's no big deal.
Stu: It's cheating! Okay?
[turning to Kimmy]
Stu: No offense to you. You're a lovely woman. It's a violation of my moral code.
Kimmy: Don't be sad, Stu. You love it. You were crying. Saying how special it was.
Phil: [laughing] Wait! I'm sorry, he was crying?
Alan: [laughing] What a baby! He was crying!



[after finding out Stu had slept with Kimmy the previous night]
Kimmy: You should have seen him. He was so sexy. They way he move round. But I asked him slow down cause I drop my load to quick.
Stu: Load? What load?
Kimmy: Oh, you know. My sperms.
Stu: Uh...your English is off. You're talking about my sperms. Your sperms aren't from...
Kimmy: From my balls.
Phil: Hold on! Back up.
Stu: Uh...wait. Are...are you...?
[Kimmy takes off her robe]
Kimmy: Hey, you in Bangkok sweetie. There's a reason they don't call it Bangcunt.
[she turns around to reveal her penis]
Stu: Woh! Oh, God!
Phil: Wow!
Alan: I don't get it. Is this a magic show?



[after finding out Kimmy has a penis]
Kimmy: Come on, Stu. It was beautiful. We climaxed at the same time.
Stu: How does that work?
Kimmy: Shoot my load into you. You shoot your load on the floor.
[in disgust]
Phil: Okay!
[in despair]
Stu: You shot your load at me? In my bottom? Oh! Oh, God!



Phil: Stu, it's not the end of the world.
Alan: I'm sorry, but I am so confused!
Stu: I made love to a man with boobies!
Phil: Listen, I promise you no one's ever gonna find out about this.
Stu: But we just found out about it.
Phil: And then forget! That's what we do! I've done so much fucked up shit, then I just forget about it.
Stu: You have?
Phil: Yeah! You just forget. It goes away. That might be harder to go away. But in time it'll happen.



[talking on this cell to Lauren's father]
Fohn: I'm going to tell you something that you did not know. I don't like you.
Stu: Yeah. I knew that already.



[after Phil gets shot in the arm]
Stu: [shouting] What the fuck is going on?!
Phil: Stu, am I going to be okay? You're a doctor.
Stu: I don't know! Let me look. Let me look.
[Stu looks at Phil's arm and then starts screeching loudly]
Phil: What? What? Get another look at it.
[Stu starts walking away]
Phil: Stuart Price! Get your ass back over here.
Stu: You got shot!
Phil: I know!



Alan: I'm sorry guys. This wasn't part of the plan.
Phil: What plan, Alan?
Alan: I've said too much already.
[Alan walks out of the doctors and Alan and Phil follow him]
Stu: Alan, what plan?
Alan: It's all Teddy's fault.
Phil: What are you talking about, Alan?
Alan: Why is he even here? He's not part of the wolfpack.
The Hangover 2 Quotes



Phil: What did you do to the marshmallows, Alan? Alan, what did you do?
Alan: Well, isn't it obvious? I spiked it with muscle relaxers and plus my ADHD medication.
Phil: What?
Stu: You drugged us again?!
Alan: Not you! I just wanted to knock out Teddy for a little while, so we could finally enjoy the weekend.
Phil: Enjoy the weekend? Alan, you told me that you didn't do anything. Alan, you swore to God!
Alan: I just wanted things to stay the same.



[after finding out Alan had drugged them again]
Stu: [shouting] Look at my face! You ruined my life!
Phil: You're not my friend.
Alan: Don't say that, Phil. You would say that, even in America?
Phil: Yes!
Alan: [crying] Oh, God! Don't say that, Phil!
Phil: Don't start crying, Alan.
Stu: [shouting] You're the bearded devil!
Alan: You liked it! You...you smiled at me when I held up the bag of marshmallows.
Stu: [shouting] Because I like marshmallows! You fucking psycho!
[he suddenly jumps onto Alan]



Alan: What about England, Phil? Would we be still friends there?
Phil: Alan, I already told you. It was in the heat of the moment. Okay? We're still friends, all over the world.
Alan: Even Great Britain?
Phil: Yeah. Umhumm.
Alan: What about you, Stu?
Stu: We'll see.



Phil: Who are you?
Kingsley: I'm a business man. And I have invested a large chunk of capital in your friend, Chow. And in return he was supposed to transfer our profits electronically about five fucking minutes ago. So last night we took Teddy as insurance.
Stu: Oh, my God! Is he okay?
[mocking Stu]
Kingsley: Oh, my God! I was don't talking. You tell Chow, that we are having breakfast on the roof of this hotel tomorrow morning at eight a.m. Now if he makes the tranfer, you will get Teddy. If not? Well then, hey. You know, it's Bangkok.



Stu: We're fucked. Chow's dead. What do we do now?
Phil: The guy doesn't give a shit about Chow, Stu! This whole thing is about a fucking bank account. Let's just go back to the hotel and we'll search Chow's body. Hopefully the password's in his wallet or something.
Stu: And what if it isn't? I mean, they're gonna kill Teddy.
Phil: Just relax. We have until eight a.m. tomorrow to figure it out.
Alan: First the monkey, now my hat. How much worse can this day get?



[Stu is playing the guitar and singing]
Stu: Well, we're living here in Alan Town, and he's driven our lives into the ground. When we woke up we were wasted and drunk. Phil got shot, we got beaten by a monk. I was happy and my life was good. Gettin' married like a dentist should. Roasting marshmallows on a stick. I got fucked in the ass by a girl with a dick.
The Hangover 2 QuotesAlan: Ha, ha, I remember that!
[Stu continues singing]
Stu: And we're living here in Alan town. But they're taking Teddy's finger now. And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna lose my shit, and shoot Alan in the face, and shoot myself.
Alan: You totally butchered that song.
Stu: You totally butchered my life.



[after finding Chow is alive]
Phil: You all right? You warm enough?
Mr. Chow: I don't know. Come feel my balls and tell me. I've been locked in a fucking icebox all day.



Phil: Chow, nobody killed you. You were already dead. You didn't have pulse.
Mr. Chow: Oh, you never do blow before? Sometime your heart stop, start up again. Read a book.
Phil: Look, I'm sorry. We're just having a bad day.
Mr. Chow: Oh, you having a bad day? Did you die?
Phil: I got shot.
Mr. Chow: But did you die?



[referring to Kingsley]
Phil: Who is that fucking guy, anyway?
Mr. Chow: Invest in my business.
Phil: Yeah. What business is that?
Mr. Chow: It's called, not your business. Okay?



Alan: They shot the monkey! They shot the monkey! I'm at my wits end!



[as they get away from the Russian drug dealers who are after their monkey]
Phil: Everybody all right?
Stu: Yeah!
Mr. Chow: I have such an erection right now!
Stu: Are you for real?



[to the monkey]
Alan: You're cigarettes. I got 'em right here. Here you go.
[he puts a cigarette in the monkey's mouth and lights it up for him]
Alan: There you go. Deep breath. Good. Good. Smoke it in. Breath the smoke into your tiny little lungs. There you go. It's funny, I've never been much of a smoker. But, boy, does it look cool on you



Alan: I'm going to miss you monkey. I wish monkeys could Skype. Maybe one day.



Phil: You ever do anything that doesn't end up in a stand off, Chow?
Mr. Chow: I'm an international criminal. It always ends like this. I met my wife at one of these things.
Stu: You have a wife?
Mr. Chow: Yeah. We married fifteen years. What? Chow not good looking enough for woman?
Stu: No. That...that's cool.
The Hangover 2 Quotes



Mr. Chow: Password?
[Alan reads out the password]
Alan: Belloni one.
Phil: Your password is Belloni one?
Mr. Chow: Well, it used to be just Belloni. Now they make you add number!



[after Chow gets arrested by the police and Kingsley turns out to be a cop]
Stu: You're a cop?
Detective Inspector Peters: Yes. This sting operation has been in place for weeks. When Samir told us that your friend was lost, we took advantage of that information. I'm sorry.
Stu: [whispering] Oh, no!
Alan: So can Teddy come out of the car now?
Phil: No, Alan. Teddy's not in the fucking car!
Stu: They don't have him. They never had him. They just needed us to bring them Chow. They used Teddy as bait.
Phil: Do you have any leads at all?
Detective Inspector Peters: No. We've checked everywhere. No one has seen him. I'm sorry. If you haven't found him by now, I'm afraid Bangkok has him.
Stu: Why do people keep saying that?



Stu: Look at what I've done, Phil? What I do? I have a weakness for prostitutes. All Kinds apparently. I have a demon in me.
Phil: So what?
Stu: Teddy's gone but I can still save Lauren. I just let her live her life without me.
Phil: Stu?
Stu: I want you to call Doug, tell him I'm never coming back. Getting off the hamster wheel and stay here in Bangkok. I think I belong here. Open up a little dentist office. Teeth cleanings with a happing ending.



[after finding Teddy and getting back to Stu's wedding on Chow's speed boat]
Stu: Listen Teddy. I'm really sorry. We didn't mean for any of this to happen.
Teddy: It's funny, I can't remember anything. But when I woke up I was kinda happy.
Stu: Yeah!
Teddy: By the way, do you have any idea where my finger is?
Stu: Yeah, we gave it to a drug dealing monkey.
Teddy: Bangkok.
Stu: Yeah! Right? Fucking Bangkok!



Stu: You said, I'm a joke. Well, I'm not. I'm not some weird milky, ricey, watery goop that you feed infants and old people. Okay? Maybe, I would be if you added some cayenne pepper! I wish I was a boring dentist, who had boring life and boring friends. But I don't! I'm not! I'm actually part of this weird wolfpack.
Alan: It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fees...
Fohn: I've heard enough of this. Come here?
Stu: Woh! Here's the deal, man. I got a dark side.
Alan: It's true. He has semen in him.
Stu: I said, demon.
Alan: But you also have semen in you, remember?
Stu: Not relevant. But thank you, Alan.



[to Lauren's father]
Stu: The point is, this demon takes me to pretty weird places. Now we lost Teddy for two days in Bangkok. But that same demon, took us to hell and back to find him. We took on Bangkok and we won. Now that's pretty fucking cool, if you ask me! Right?



[to Lauren's father]
Stu: I love your daughter and I'm gonna marry her.
[to Lauren]
Stu: Unless you have any problem with that?
Lauren: I'm good.
Stu: All right. But all that said, it would actually mean a great deal to both of us, if we could just give your mother fucking blessing!



Phil: Hey Alan, that's such a pretty cool shave.
Alan: Thanks, Phil. You should shave your head too.
Phil: Why would I do that?
Alan: Well, that way we would look exactly alike.



[referring to Alan's wedding gift which is Mike Tyson singing at their wedding]
Stu: Alan, it's amazing! I love it! Thank you so much!
Alan: We only have him for the night. We don't own him permanently.
Stu: Understood.



Mike Tyson: By they way, you really need to move that fucking tattoo from your face.
Stu: Yep. On it.
Alan: Sorry for the last minute change up to performance, Mike.
Mike Tyson: No worries, Alan.
Doug: What are you talking about?
Alan: Well, he was originally supposed to sing 'Burning up' by the Jonas Brothers.
[to Stu]
Alan: But then I remembered you don't like indie rock.



[last lines; Teddy brings them his cell phone which has photo's of their drugged night in Bangkok]
The Hangover 2 QuotesStu: No one needs to see this stuff.
Mike Tyson: Come on, man! I'm Mike Tyson. I've seen everything.
Doug: It'll be fun.
Stu: What? All right. We'll look at it once.
Phil: And then we delete them. It's gonna be okay.
[they all grimace as they look at the first photo]
Mike Tyson: Mother fucker!

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