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[after Phil, Stu and Alan get arrested by Mexican Police and are questioned at the station, the officer goes through their files]
Officer Vasquez: Stuart Price. No felonies, one arrest, Las Vegas, Nevada.
[he pick ups Phil’s file]
Officer Vasquez: Phil Warnick. No felonies, one arrest, also Las Vegas, Nevada.
[he picks up Alan’s file, which is slightly thicker]
Officer Vasquez: Alan Garner.
[he flips through the thick pages of the file]
Officer Vasquez: Is this record accurate?
[he passes the file to Alan, who starts looking through it]
Alan: Uh-huh. I did that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Masturbating on a city bus. Yep, that was me.
Phil: Look, we’ve been here for five hours. We already told your guys everything that we know.
Officer Vasquez: No. You told them a story about a little Chinese man.
Stu: Leslie Chow. He is an international criminal, look it up
Officer Vasquez: A little Chinese man that no one in town has seen or heard of. And the hotel you say he’s staying, there’s no one there.
Phil: Probably because he left town.
Officer Vasquez: That’s one theory. Another theory is that you’re lying.
[suddenly Alan laughs, as he continues to read from his police record file]
Alan: Lude behavior, Cracker Barrel, Christmas Eve.
[at that moment another officer enters the room and requests to speak with Vasquez]
Officer Vasquez: Excuse me.
[Vasquez leaves the room]
Stu: We’re fucking dead.
Alan: Why would Mr. Chow do this?
Phil: Because he’s a greedy piece of shit who used us.
Alan: Yeah, but he’s our friend.
Phil: Oh, grow up, Alan.
[Vazquez returns to the room]
Officer Vasquez: You’re free to leave. All the charges have been dropped.
Stu: By who?
Officer Vasquez: It’s your lucky day. There’s a car waiting for you out front. Come on, let’s go.
[they walk out of the station to fine a black limo waiting for them outside]
[Phil turns to Vazquez]
Phil: I’m sorry, what is this?
Officer Vasquez: Get in the car.
[they get in the car and Phil addresses the driver]
Phil: Excuse me, sir? Where are we headed?
[the driver ignores them and pulls up the driver’s partition and locks the doors, he drives them back to the villa they just robbed, he opens the car door]
Hector: Welcome back.
[to Stu and Alan]
Phil: What the fuck?
Hector: Let’s go, guys.
[the driver leads them into the house and out onto the back porch where they find Doug sitting on the steps]
[Doug goes to take a step toward Phil but he’s stopped by Black Doug]
Black Doug: Get your ass back over here!
[suddenly they see Marshall sat on a sun lounger by the pool]
Marshall: Leslie Chow never lived here. You did not break into his old house, you broke into my house.
Phil: I don’t understand.
Marshall: You didn’t get back the gold he stole from me, you got the other half that he didn’t.
Stu: Oh my, God!
Phil: Oh, you…you mean the half he never had?
Marshall: He’s a word class rat and you three were his accomplices.
[Marshall takes out his gun]
Phil: No, no, no!
Stu: We had no idea!
Phil: We were trying to help you, we thought you’d be happy!
Marshall: Thank you so much. Thank you for ripping me off! Thank you for desecrating my home! And thank you for killing my fucking dogs!
Stu: We didn’t kill your dogs, they’re just tranquilized.
Marshall: Oh, right. You don’t know. Chow snapped their necks on his way out.
Black Doug: And somebody’s gotta pay.
Marshall: He’s right.
[Marshall suddenly points his gun toward Doug standing next to Black Doug]
Doug: No, no, no, no!
[Marshall shoots Black Doug in the chest and kills him, his body falls into the pool behind him]
[looking at Black Doug’s body floating in the pool]
Marshall: My head of security. Couldn’t stop three fuckups and a China man with a pair of wire cutters. Unreal.
[Marshall looks at the Phil, Stu and Alan and see that Alan has pissed his pants]
Marshall: Oh, man! That’s okay. I know it’s scary. Hector! Run upstairs and grab a pair of sweat pants for Alan here.
Alan: I’m a forty-four slim. Can you bring me a few options?
Marshall: You found Chow once, find him again. And my gold.
Phil: Wait. We don’t even have a car, Chow stole my minivan.
Marshall: Take the limo, Hector has the keys. And get going. I’m killing Doug today.
[after leaving Marshall’s villa with his limo, the Wolf Pack make a stop by the side of the road]
Phil: I never saw anyone get killed before.
Stu: Right! My God, that was so intense. I mean, he just fell and he’s…he’s dead.
Phil: I feel sick.
Stu: Me too.
Alan: Well, maybe we should get some food, guys.
Stu: What are we gonna do? We have no idea where Chow is.
Phil: I don’t know.
Stu: He took your minivan, maybe we could report it stolen and then they could track him down?
Phil: It’s worth a shot.
[Phil goes to grab his phone from his pocket]
Phil: Oh, fuck! I left my phone in the minivan.
Alan: Well, if you lost your phone, Phil, I have that ‘find my phone app’.
Phil: Oh, we have bigger problems than that, Alan.
Stu: No, no. Wait, wait. If your phone is in the minivan, and…and Chow has the minivan, then your phone’s with Chow.
Alan: You heard him, we have bigger problems than that, Stu.
Phil: Alan, give me your phone. Quick. That’s brilliant.
[Phil takes Alan’s phone]
Phil: Wait. What’s your password?
Alan: Hey, Phil.
Alan: No, that’s it.
Alan: That’s my password. “Hey, Phil.”
[Phil puts in the password]
Phil: It is it.
Alan: Phil gets it. Nothing worse than losing your phone.
Stu: You just saw a man get murdered, your brother-in-law is kidnapped, you sure there’s nothing worse?
Alan: You don’t get it, Stu. You just don’t get it. Do you? I have over sixty apps on that phone! What if I lost my phone? Do you have any idea how much time and man hours it would take to re-download those apps?
Stu: You’re…you are right. I had not thought of that. Thank you.
Alan: Oh, God. It’s not always about you, Stu!
Phil: It’s locating.
[Alan’s phone pings as it tracks Phi’s cell phone]
Phil: Oh, God. Of course.
Stu: What? Where is he?
Phil: He’s in fucking Vegas.
Alan: Shot gun.
Stu: Oh, no.
Alan: Hey, Stu?
[Stu turns to face Alan]
Alan: I don’t enjoy talking to you that way. I don’t know why you insist on making me blow my top. We’ve been on a lot of adventures together, but it seems like you haven’t learned anything. Anything! You think on it.
[he pats Stu on the ass before turning toward the limo]
Alan: I’ll be in the limo.
[he walks toward the limo and whispers to Phil]
Alan: He’s okay.
[we see the Wolfpack driving to Las Vegas]
Stu: Someone needs to burn this place to the ground. I told myself I would never come back.
Phil: Don’t worry, it all ends tonight.
[as they drive through Las Vegas tracking Phil’s phone in his minivan]
Stu: It says two hundred yards up on the right.
Phil: And there it is. Amazing.
[they stop outside a pawn shop where the minivan has been left]
Phil: Looks like he ditched it.
[Stu opens the passenger side door]
Stu: It’s open.
Phil: No shit. Well look around.
[Phil opens the driver’s side door and gets inside]
Phil: Let’s see if he left anything in here .
[they all starts looking around inside the car]
Stu: I found the Demerol.
Phil: Good. Keep it, we’re gonna need it.
[Stu pockets the Demerol]
Phil: Ah, I got my phone. No fucking keys though.
[turning to Alan in the back seat]
Phil: Alan, Anything ?
Alan: No, not even the gold.
Phil: Why the fuck would Chow come down here?
Stu: I know, right? Why here?
[inside the pawn shop, the clerk, Cassie, is watching wrestling on her computer]
Cassie: Woh. Nice !
[Phil, Stu and Alan enter the shop]
Phil: Excuse me, have you happened to see the driver of that minivan that’s parked out front? Short Asian guy?
Cassie: They’re all short.
Alan: That’s so true.
Phil: Right, but he may have been trying to pawn some gold.
Cassie: That would be my business, wouldn’t it?
Alan: I like your t-shirt.
[Alan starts walking toward Cassie, who’s sat behind the counter]
Alan: I saw that show at the Forum, he played Captain Jack.
Cassie: Yeah, I heard that was legendary.
Alan: Woman, you have no idea.
Cassie: Try me.
[Alan and Cassie seem to be having an intimate moment when they’re interrupted by Cassie’s mother entering behind the counter in her electric wheelchair]
Cassie’s Mom: Cassie, I’m hungry. I thought you ordered Chinese.
Cassie: Mom, I’m with a customer! You’ll eat when I say it’s time to eat!
Cassie’s Mom: But the doctor told…
Cassie: If you don’t reverse that right now, there’s gonna be hell to pay.
[Alan laughs as he watches Cassie talking rudely to her mom, who reversers her electric wheelchair and leaves]
Alan: She’s rude.
Cassie: Thank you.
[yelling out to her mother]
Cassie: You hear that, ma? Nobody likes you!
Alan: Yeah, keep your mouth shut!
Cassie: You’re smart.
[Cassie rises from her seat and leans closer to Alan over the counter]
Cassie: The Chinese guy came in here earlier. He was pretty weird, he pawned a gold brick. That thing’s worth four hundred grand, he took eighteen thousand.
Phil: Did he say where he was going?
Cassie: I’m sorry, was I talking to you?
[looking back at Alan]
Cassie: He said he wanted three things. He wanted some girls, some guys and some bath salts. I gave him a card for an escort service and he took off.
[she takes the card for the escort service from her cash register]
Cassie: Pretty high end, so good luck getting anything out of ’em.
[she hands the card over to Alan]
Alan: Thank you.
[Alan then gives the card to Stu without taking his eyes off Cassie]
[Alan takes a lollipop from the jar on the counter and slowly sucks on it, he takes it out of his mouth and puts it in Cassie’s mouth, which makes Stu hurl in disgust, Cassie then continues to suck on the lollipop as she stares at Alan, as she starts chewing on the lollipop, Alan turns to Phil and Stu]
Alan: We gotta go, we should go.
[Phil and Stu leave the shop, Alan turns to leave but stops and looks at Cassie, he smiles and blows her a kiss which she pretends to catch, Alan turns to go out but walks into a cello and knocks it and several other musical instruments down then tries to put them back up]
Cassie: I’ll get it. I’ll get it.
[he turns and waves to her again, as he goes to leave he walks into the hanging musical instruments again before finally walking out of the shop]
[as Stu is trying to call the escort service that was recommended to Chow]
Stu: No, I’m still on hold.
[they see Alan walking out of the pawn shop doing a happy dance as comes over to them]
Phil: Well, look how happy this fucking guy is?
Alan: Have you ever witnessed a moment with that much heat? I mean, white, hot heat, bro!
Phil: No, that was pretty intense.
[Stu manages to get through to the escort service]
Stu: Yeah, it’s actually an emergency. He has a thick Asian accent.
[he pauses as he listens]
Stu: I totally get it, but this is a highly unusual circumstance and…
[he pauses as he listens for a moment]
Stu: Okay. Alright.
[he ends the call]
Stu: It’s an escort service. They’re not gonna tell us shit.
[Phil thinks for a moment]
Phil: Maybe an escort will.
[Stu looks skeptically Phil as he realizes he’s referring to Jade, the hooker Stu got married to in Vegas]
Phil: Still have her number?
Stu: Yeah, but…it’d be pretty awkward.
Phil: It’s all we got.
[we see Alan in the background, looking through the window of the pawn shop]
Alan: She smiled at me again! From inside the shop.
[he starts walking back toward Phil and Stu smiling]
Alan: This is the best day of my life.
[they turn up at Jade’s house and she opens the door to greet them]
Stu, Phil: Hey!
Jade: Oh my, God, you guys! It’s been so long!
[she hugs Stu]
Jade: Come in, come in.
Stu: Thank you.
Jade: You look great.
Stu: So do you. You’re pregnant.
Jade: I feel so fat.
Stu: Oh, please.
[they enter inside her home]
Jade: Do you guys mind taking your shoes off? Because I’m kind of a germ freak.
Phil: Oh, of course.
Stu: Yeah. Sure.
[Stu and Phil start taking their shoes off, Alan uses one hand to lean on Jade’s pregnant stomach while he tries to take his shoes off]
Stu: Alan, what are you doing?
[as they walk inside Jade’s living room]
Phil: Wow, you have a great house.
Jade: Thank you. I got married a year ago to a surgeon. Another doctor, can you believe it?
Stu: Another doctor.
Jade: His name is Jeff. You guys would love him.
[turning to her son]
Jade: Tyler, say hi to mommy’s friends.
[Tyler waves to them as he’s sat playing on the floor]
[they wave back to Tyler]
Stu: Wait. Is that the baby?
Jade: Yeah. Time flies, huh?
Phil: Listen, Jade, is there a place we could talk that’s a little bit more private?
Jade: Yeah, let’s go in the kitchen. You guys want coffee?
[they start walking toward the kitchen, but Alan remains standing watching Tyler]
Phil: Hey, you coming?
Alan: Hey, Jade, is it okay if I go say hello to the little guy?
Jade: Of course.
[as the others leave, Alan goes over and sits down opposite Tyler as he plays with his toys]
Alan: Nice stuff.
Tyler: Thanks. Jeff bought it for me.
Alan: Jeff? Who’s that, your fake dad?
[Tyler doesn’t reply]
Alan: Your name was Carlos once. Did you know that?
Alan: Well, it was. And frankly it suits you better.
Alan: Do you remember me?
Tyler: No. Are you my real dad?
[Alan looks at Tyler for a moment before answering]
[Jade pours them coffee in her kitchen]
Alan: I don’t know. I mean, you gotta understand I’ve been out of that world a few years now.
Stu: Yeah, of course. We totally get that.
Alan: I mean, Jeff knows everything and he’s cool, but…
Phil: We’re just asking if you could call around, just find out if anybody might know where he is.
Stu: We could really use your help.
[Alan and Tyler are sat inside Tyler’s play tent]
Alan: You used to love it when I would carry you around. Sometimes I can still feel your little head on my chest. So do you like this new Jeff guy?
Tyler: Yeah, he’s nice.
Alan: My dad was nice too. We did everything together. He was my life partner.
[Tyler just stares at Alan]
Alan: I really let him down.
[back in the kitchen, Jade is calling her escort services contact to find out where Chow is]
Jade: Okay. Wow. Just trust me, you don’t wanna go over there, okay? Not this one. I love you too.
[she ends the call and turns to Stu and Phil]
Jade: She says there’s this crazy Chinese guy, and he’s hold up in a penthouse suite of Caesars Palace. There’s girls going in and out, drugs everywhere. Sounds like a bad scene.
[to Alan, as he’s still sat in Tyler’s play tent]
Phil: Hey, Alan? We gotta go.
Alan: I gotta go, little man. It was great talking to you.
[holding up his hand]
Alan: Hi five.
[as Tyler goes to give Alan a hi five, Alan moves his hand and touches his hair instead]
Jade: It was great to see you.
Stu: You too, Jade. Thanks so much for your help.
Alan: That’s a great kid you got there.
Jade: He is the best.
[suddenly Tyler comes up behind them]
[Tyler walks up to Alan and suddenly hugs him tightly]
Alan: Hold on. I have something for you.
[he takes his sunglasses out of his pocket and puts them on Tyler]
Phil: Oh, please.
Alan: I’ll see you around, Carlos.
[as they drive to Vegas, Stu makes the call to Marshall, who’s flying on his private plane]
Stu: We got him.
Marshall: Great. Where is he?
Stu: Caesars Palace.
[to Hector; referring to the pilot]
Marshall: Change of plans, tell him we’re going to Vegas.
Marshall: I’m on my way. There’s a spot just outside of town, I’ll text you the details. Be there at 6 a.m., and make sure the little fucker is tied up.
[Stu, whispers something to Phil]
Phil: Hey, Marshall. It’s Phil. Maybe Stu wasn’t clear, we don’t actually have Chow. We just know where he is.
Stu: Yeah, and we were hoping that you and your guys could go to Caesars and get him.
Marshall: I don’t give a fuck what you were hoping. The deal is you bring Chow to me.
Phil: Oh, fuck.
Marshall: 6 a.m., or your friend is dead.
[Marshall ends the call]
[as they stand outside Caesars Palace]
Stu: Oh, God! This place gives me the chills.
Alan: I know, right? It’s great to be back. So many good memories.
Stu: Are you kidding me?
[Phil walks up to them]
Phil: Okay. So here’s the deal. You need a key just to go on to his floor, and then once you’re there, he’s got security posted at the door. It’s ridiculous.
Stu: Let me guess, that’s him.
[Stu points up to one of the floors at Caesars Palace]
Phil: Yep. The one with the strobe lights. I got an idea, but you’re not gonna like it.
[as they enter Caesars Palace]
Stu: It’s not gonna work.
Phil: Not with that fucking attitude.
Alan: You know this whole place is made out of marbles?
[as they sneak into the chamber maids stock room]
Phil: Come on. Go, go, go, go, go.
[they grab a load of bed sheets and get on the elevator]
Phil: Okay, after we stick Chow, Alan and I are gonna take him down to the lobby. Be waiting in the valet, engine running, ready to go.
Stu: Are you sure about this?
Phil: Give me the Demerol.
[Stu hands him the Demerol, then the elevator doors open and Alan and Phil walk out leaving Stu inside]
Phil: See you in twenty minutes.
Stu: Hey, Phil?
[Phil stops and turns to look at Stu]
Stu: Don’t die.
[the elevator doors close]
[Phil and Alan make their way to the roof of Caesars Palace, Phil look downs where Chow’s room is right below them, he sees Chow standing on his balcony, smoking, Phil turns to Alan]
Phil: Alright. You ready to do this?
Alan: Yeah. Wait, what are we doing?
[down below, Stu is in the valet parking area, he looks up at where Phil and Alan are on the roof]
Stu: Holy shit.
[we see the bed sheets, tied together like a rope, thrown down from the roof to Chow’s balcony]
Phil: We’re gonna climb down, and then it’s about an eight foot drop to the balcony. Alright?
[Phil spits into the palms of his hands and runs his hands together, Alan then holds out his hands in front of Phil so that he can spit onto his hands]
Phil: No, you spit in your own hand.
Alan: Oh, yeah.
[Alan then proceeds to make a weird noise from the back of his throat as he tries to gather enough phlegm to spit into his hands]
Alan: Dry desert air.
[he tries again]
Phil: Alan, it’s fine. You don’t need it.
[Phil gets into position to climb down the tied up blankets]
Phil: Oh, God.
[he starts climbing down]
[Phil slips a little before managing to stop himself]
Phil: I’m okay.
Alan: Hey, Phil.
Phil: What’s wrong?
Alan: Hold on a second.
Alan: Hold on!
[Alan takes his cell phone out and prepares to take a photo of Phil]
Alan: Like, kick yourself out a little bit.
Alan: Stay still!
[Alan takes a photo of Phil]
Phil: Did you get it ?
Alan: No, hold on.
[Alan takes another photo and looks at it]
Alan: That’s cool.
[Phil then continues to climb down]
Phil: Oh, fuck me!
Alan: Everything alright?
Phil: It’s okay! It’s alright! I got it!
[he manages to climb down to the end of the sheets and jump down safely onto the balcony]
Alan: Are you okay?
[Phil gives a thumb up to Alan]
[Phil looks up at Alan, who’s still on the roof]
Phil: Alan, it’s your turn.
[Alan starts to climb over the edge of the roof]
Phil: That’s it.
Alan: Oh, God!
Phil: Come on.
[as he rolls over the edge of the roof he slips down the sheets]
Phil: Alan, are you alright?
Alan: Phil, call security! I think…I think I’m slipping!
Phil: Just hold on!
[we see the sheets becoming loose]
Alan: Oh, God!
Phil: You need to calm down!
Alan: I’m slipping, Phil!
[the sheets become loose and Alan falls onto the Caesars Palace sign]
Phil: Oh, holy fuck! Oh, shit! You okay?
[Alan then screams out for help]
[down below, Stu sees them]
Stu: Oh, no.
[as he lies on the Caesars Palace sign]
Alan: I’m gonna die, Phil!
Phil: No, you’re fine. Just…drop down to me.
Alan: No chance! I’m good up here.
Phil: Alan, you can do this. I’ll catch you. Just…let go.
[on hearing these words, Alan starts to prepare to jump]
Phil: That’s it. That’s it. Just drop straight down. Do not push up.
[Alan jumps down, but lands on the edge of the balcony]
Alan: Oh, God!
[Phil manages to grab hold of Alan’s back]
Phil: Come here!
[Phil pulls Alan down and they both fall onto the balcony floor]
Phil: Holy fuck! You okay?
Alan: I almost died, Phil.
Phil: Come on, I wasn’t gonna let you go. You’re my boy.
Alan: And you’re my man.
[Alan touches Phil’s face, but Phil takes his hand away]
Phil: Alan, what are you doing?
[Phil then takes the Demerol from his pocket]
Phil: Okay. Let’s go get this fucker.
[Phil and Alan enter Chow’s room and start looking for him, as they walk into the room they see girls and drugs everywhere, but no Chow]
Party Girl: Have you seen my…
[as they walk further into the room, Chow comes up behind them and flips the Demerol injection out of Phil’s hand and points his gun at him, Phil manages to hit him and make Chow drop his gun]
Phil: Get the gun!
[Alan picks up the gun, Chow then head butts Phil and runs off]
Phil: Oh, fuck!
Alan: Phil, you okay?
[Phil gets up and goes after Chow, he goes to open the bedroom door but finds it locked]
Phil: Chow! Chow, open the fucking door!
[Phil kicks the door open, the girls in the bedroom scream and they find Chow standing on the edge of the balcony]
Phil: Chow, stop!
Mr. Chow: Motherfuckers!
Alan: Leslie, get down from there! Please, you’re gonna hurt yourself!
Mr. Chow: Nothing hurts Chow. I am invisible!
Phil: It’s invincible, and you’re not, you’re just out of your fucking mind! Now, get down from there before you die!
Mr. Chow: Die? How do you kill what’s already dead?
[he laughs as he jumps off the balcony]
[Phil and Alan look over the edge of the balcony and find Chow opening his parachute as he glides down]
[after Chow goes off on his parachute, Phil calls Stu, who’s still waiting at the valet area]
Stu: Hey, you okay?
Phil: No, look up.
[Stu looks up and sees Chow gliding on his parachute]
Stu: What the fuck is that?
Phil: That’s Chow!
Phil: Follow him.
[Stu gets in the car and starts following Chow as he continues to glide on his parachute]
Mr. Chow: Woo-hoo! I love cocaine!
[to the people in the streets as he tries to follow Chow]
Stu: Get out of the way!
Stu: How did this happen?
Phil: We had him trapped, and then he jumped. He’s out of his fucking mind!
[as Chow continues to glide on his parachute]
Mr. Chow: I’m out of my fucking mind!
[as Chow looks down at the massive waterfall fountains from one of the hotels]
Mr. Chow: Woh, beautiful!
[Stu continues to follow him]
Phil: Stu, do not lose him!
Stu: I’m trying!
[Stu sees Chow approaching the Eiffel Tower Restaurant]
Stu: Holy shit!
[as Chow gets nearer to the tower, he starts singing]
Mr. Chow: I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky, thinking about it every night and day…
[back in Chow’s hotel suit]
Phil: We gotta pack up all this gold, we’re taking it with us.
[on the phone to Stu]
Phil: Talk to me, Stu.
Stu: I got him. I got him!
[as Stu is looking up at Chow he nearly hits the car in front of him]
Stu: Oh, shit.
[Stu swerves his car to miss hitting the traffic ahead of him and in the process loses sight of Chow]
Stu: Fuck! I lost him.
Phil: Don’t tell me that, you can’t lose him!
Stu: This is so much harder than you realize, Phil. I’m just a dentist!
Phil: No, Stu, you’re a fucking doctor. Now go get him.
[this motivates Stu to turn the car, he starts looking up for Chow]
Stu: Where the fuck did he go?
[we see Chow is gliding above the limo Stu is driving]
Mr. Chow: Oh, fuck me! I should have thought this through!
[he starts descending on top of the limo]
Mr. Chow: Shit! Aah! Move!
[as Stu is driving along, suddenly Chow lands on his windscreen, making Stu scream]
Mr. Chow: Stu?
Mr. Chow: Stop the fucking car!
Stu: I can’t! The pedal is stuck!
Mr. Chow: What?!
[as he tries to stop the car, Chow’s parachute is covering the windscreen]
Stu: I can’t see!
Mr. Chow: Stop, motherfucker!
Stu: Get off!
Mr. Chow: Pull over!
Stu: It won’t’ stop! Get off the car! I can’t see anything.
Mr. Chow: We’re gonna die, finally!
[suddenly they come upon two cars ahead, Stu swerves the limo to miss the cars, and as Stu manages to break the car to a stop, Chow gets thrown off the limo, landing hard on the ground]
Stu: Holy shit.
[Stu hears Phil on his cell phone]
Phil: Stu? Stu, what happened?
[Stu grabs his phone from the floor]
Phil: Stu, what’s going on?
Stu: We had an accident, I think he’s dead.
Phil: Wait, what?
Stu: I think I killed him.
[Stu gets out of the car and looks at Chow’s body lying on the ground]
Stu: Holy shit. He’s not moving.
Phil: Oh, fuck.
[looking down at Chow’s body]
Stu: Mr. Chow?
[Stu kneels beside Chow and tries to shake him awake]
[Chow starts coughing and opens his eyes]
Mr. Chow: Stuart?
[talking into his phone]
Stu: He’s alive, he’s okay.
Phil: Oh, great. Put him in the limo and come get us. We’ll meet you in the valet.
Stu: Yeah, okay.
[Stu ends the call]
[after Chow’s regained consciousness]
Mr. Chow: Stu, that was some ride, huh, pal?
Stu: Yeah, it was pretty wild.
Mr. Chow: I can’t feel my nuts. Would you rub down and make sure they’re okay?
Stu: It’s over, Leslie.
[Stu picks up Chow and starts carrying him toward the limo]
Mr. Chow: Wait, Let’s make a deal. Want Chow to blow your dick?
[Stu opens the trunk of the limo]
Mr. Chow: Come on, Stu.
[Stu places Chow in the trunk]
Mr. Chow: I could be a good wife to you.
Stu: No more deals.
[Stu shuts the trunk]
Mr. Chow: No, wait!
[Stu leaves Chow in the trunk and gets in the limo]
[Stu arrives at the valet section of Caesars Palace and sees Phil and Alan waiting, he nods to Phil, indicating he’s got Chow in the trunk of the limo]
Phil: Let’s put the bags in the back seat, trunk’s full.
[on the drive to meet Marshall in the desert, they hear Chow knocking from the trunk]
Mr. Chow: Hey, guys? I’m feeling better now.
[Phil check’s his cell phone]
Phil: Alright, it’s the next exit and four miles straight into the desert.
from the trunk
Mr. Chow: Tell you what. Let me out, we split the gold four ways, everyone wins.
[Chow knocks louder as he gets no response from the Wolf Pack]
Mr. Chow: Marshall gonna kill me! My blood will be on your hands! You want Chow’s ghost haunting your for rest of your life, Stu? Floating over you while you make fuck on your wife?
Stu: He’s not gonna kill you, Chow! He just wants his gold back!
Mr. Chow: It’s gone. I blew the first twenty million in Bangkok. That’s why I had to get the other half.
Phil: Enough, Chow! It’s over!
Mr. Chow: You motherfuckers! When I get out of this, I’m gonna rip out your fucking lungs! Do you hear me? You’re dead! You’re all dead!
[there’s a moment’s pause]
Mr. Chow: I didn’t mean that. Chow loses temper sometimes. Please, I need help. I know that…
[Phil starts to wind up the black back window separating the front of the limo from the back seat, which blocks Chow’s voice]
Phil: That’s the exit.
[the Wolf Pack arrive at the drop-off in the desert and notice Marshall’s car arriving]
Phil: They’re here. Alan, they’re coming, grab the last bag.
[from the trunk]
Mr. Chow: Please, Alan.
[Alan ignores Chow’s plea and grabs the bag of gold from the back seat of the limo, Marshall’s car then stops in front of them and Marshall gets out pointing his gun at Doug as he gets out of the car]
Marshall: Step away from the bags!
[he pushes Doug forward]
Marshall: Let’s go!
[Phil, Stu and Alan take a few steps back from the bags and Hector opens up on of the bags to check the gold]
Marshall: Are we good?
Phil: It’s all there, I promise.
Marshall: Not exactly. I’m still missing the original half.
Phil: But… No, that…that’s all we have. Chow said that he blew the other half in Bangkok.
Marshall: Where is he?
Phil: He’s in the trunk.
[Marshall pats Doug on the shoulder]
Marshall: A deal’s a deal.
[he pushes Doug forward toward Phil, Stu and Alan]
Marshall: Give me the keys.
[Stu throws the limo keys to Marshall]
Phil: What are you gonna do with Chow?
Marshall: I just wanna talk to him. Move.
[he walks toward the limo; Phil turns to Doug]
[suddenly Marshall shoots at the trunk]
Phil: What the fuck?!
Marshall: End of conversation.
Phil: Why would you do that?!
Marshall: Leslie Chow is madness, you don’t talk to madness. If you’re lucky, you trap it in the trunk of your limo and you kill it. You did a great thing tonight, you should feel good about this.
[Marshall turns to the limo, he opens the trunk and sees that it’s empty]
Marshall: What the fuck?
[Marshall and Hector turn to the Wolf Pack]
Marshall: You think this is a fucking game?
[Marshall and Hector point their guns at the Wolf Pack and just as they’re about to shoot Chow appears from the limo’s sunroof and shoots Marshal and Hector in the back, killing them]
Mr. Chow: Toodaloo, motherfuckers!
[Chow steps out of the limo and points his gun at Stu and Phil]
Phil: Chow. Chow. Chow, wait.
Mr. Chow: Now you wanna talk, blue eyes? No more silent treatment?
[Alan steps in front of Phil]
Alan: Leslie, no.
Mr. Chow: Stay out of this, Fatty.
Alan: No, Leslie. If you shoot Phil, you gotta go through me.
[Chow continues to point his gun as he and Alan stare at each other]
Alan: Quiet. I’m in a stare off.
[as Chow and Alan stare at each other, Chow finally lowers his gun]
Mr. Chow: Today you all live because one of you was a friend.
Phil: Alan, what did you do?
Alan: I unlocked the latch between the back seat and the trunk.
Phil: And left him his gun?
Alan: Yeah, I didn’t think it all the way through.
Mr. Chow: He gave Chow a fighting chance. That’s all I ever need.
[the next morning, Chow and Alan stuff Marshall and Hector’s bodies in the trunk of Marshall’s car]
Mr. Chow: Fat fuck.
[Chow closes the trunk and turns to Alan]
Mr. Chow: It’s never easy, is it? No one wants to see that, except for me. But I was born bad. Hold on, I have something for you.
[he throws Alan one of the gold bars]
Mr. Chow: For your loyalty.
Alan: Oh, no. I don’t want this, Mr. Chow.
Mr. Chow: Okay, give it back then, come on.
Mr. Chow: Quick! Before Stu smells it.
[Chow takes the gold bar from Alan]
Stu: I don’t want it either, Chow.
Mr. Chow: Oh, please. Like a squirrel doesn’t wanna a nut!
Mr. Chow: It’s funny because he’s Jewish.
[Alan doesn’t laugh]
Mr. Chow: Don’t you get it?
[Alan just stares at Chow]
Mr. Chow: Goddammit. Okay, go on. Get out of here, all of you.
[Alan starts walking toward Phil, Stu and Doug]
Mr. Chow: Hey, Chowsta, I’ll call you in a week. we’ll get together.
[Alan turns back to Chow]
Alan: No, Leslie, we can’t be friends anymore.
Mr. Chow: What?
Alan: You’re not good for me, it’s not healthy.
Mr. Chow: Alan, you’re not thinking straight. Let’s just talk tomorrow.
Alan: Leslie, you’re one of the coolest and nicest guys I’ve ever met. And you’re smart, and you’re funny and everybody loves you.
Mr. Chow: Alan, what is this?
Alan: It’s just that when we get together bad things happen and people get hurt.
Mr. Chow: Yeah, that’s the point. It’s funny.
Alan: Well, I’m gonna make some changes in my life and this is one of them. I’m sorry.
[Chow looks visibly upset]
Alan: Farewell, Leslie Chow.
[Alan extends his hand to Chow, as Chow goes to shake Alan’s hand, Alan moves his hand up and slicks his hair back, Alan then turns and walks toward the rest of the Wolf Pack]
Mr. Chow: You’re cold as ice.
Alan: Shot gun.
[the Wolf Pack get into the limo and drive off, leaving Chow staring after them]
[they drive to where they left Phil’s minivan, in front of Cassie’s store]
Phil: Everybody okay?
Phil: Alan, you okay?
Phil: Good. Let’s go home.
[they all get out of the limo and cross the street toward Phil’s minivan]
Phil: Jesus Christ.
[Alan stops and looks at Cassie’s pawn shop]
Alan: You know what, guys? You can go ahead without me, there’s something I need to do.
Stu: Do you even know how to get home?
Alan: Of course I do, I’m a grown man. I’ll ask a stranger.
Phil: Good luck, Alan. We’ll see you soon.
[Alan watches as Phil, Stu and Doug get into the minivan and drive off]
[after the others leave, Alan goes into Cassie’s shop and walks up to her]
Alan: Did you know that just a couple blocks from here there’s a place that looks exactly like Paris, France? I can’t remember what it’s called, but it’s supposed to be magnificent.
Cassie: It’s called Paris Hotel and Casino, and it is magnificent.
Alan: Yeah, that’s it. well, I’d like to take you to dinner there, tonight
Cassie: Oh, sorry. No can do.
Cassie: I’m banned from the casino for life, plus ten years. I took mom there for her Birthday, played a little Blackjack, she split tens. I may have overreacted, they said it was abusing an elderly.
Alan: I’ve done that.
Cassie: Right? I can’t go back there. But, uh…Golden Nugget has the best prime rib in town. If that’s…
Alan: Well, that sounds glorious. I’ll send for you at eight o’clock.
[Alan then turns to leave]
Cassie: Is that it?
[Alan walks back to Cassie, they share an awkward kiss and then he pulls his pants down]
Alan: I saw it once, in pornography.
Cassie: Oh, it’s a nice gesture. But maybe we should wait.
Alan: Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah.
[Alan pulls his pants back on and they smile at each other]
Alan: I’ll see you at eight.
[Alan turns and walks out of the shop, smiling at Cassie as he leaves]
[6 months later – Alan is stood in his room wearing his wedding outfit looking in the mirror with Doug beside him]
Doug: You look great, Alan.
Alan: What do you think? Hat or no hat?
Alan: Yeah, okay.
[they hear a knock at the door, then Phil and Stu enter the room]
Phil: Wow, who’s this guy? The vest and the cane? I love it.
Alan: Thank you. Cassie picked it out for me.
Stu: You look like Mr. Peanut.
Alan: Yeah, I know. Right? That’s what I was going for.
[Doug takes off Alan’s hat]
Doug: Maybe, we’ll just lose it. Hm?
Phil: Hey, Alan, I was just talking to Cassie, she’s an amazing woman.
Alan: Oh, thank you for saying that. She is an amazing woman, I find her much better than your wives.
Stu: Oh, that’s sweet.
Alan: Which reminds me, um…we need to talk. Doug.
[Doug perches on the desk nearby]
Alan: Right, listen, fellas. Now that I’m getting married, I’m gonna be spending a lot more time with Cassandra.
Phil: Of course, yeah. It’s the way it should be.
Alan: No, you slow your roll, Phil, okay? There’s more. You’re not gonna like this part.
[he pauses for a moment]
Alan: I must resign from the Wolf Pack.
Stu: Wow, that’s a big step, Alan.
Alan: I know, but she’s my soul mate. And my new best friend. Plus, she lets me mount her, which relaxes me.
Phil: Oh, my God.
Doug: Uh…Alan, maybe never say that part again.
Alan: Chillax, Doug. We’re all adults here. I know you mount my sister, I’ve seen it many times.
[Phil laughs again]
Phil: Alan, you are the best.
Alan: The point is, you need to let me go.
[looking at Phil]
Alan: You in particular. I can’t be your hero anymore.
Phil: Okay, sure.
[Alan takes a breath]
Alan: Having said all that, I still would like to get together on Tuesdays for bowling and alternating Sundays for general horse play.
Stu: How about we play all that by ear?
[Phil looks at his watch]
Phil: Alan, it’s time.
Doug: Here we go.
[Alan turns to them, takes a deep breath]
Alan: I’m ready.
[they all leave the room, walking down the hallway together, we then see flashbacks of them doing the same Wolf Pack walk from the 1st and 2nd Hangover, then finally back to all of them leaving for Alan’s wedding]
[lines after end of credits – it’s the morning after the wedding in what looks like a really messed up hotel room, Phil wakes up and looks around him]
Phil: What the fuck?
[Alan then wakes up next to Cassie]
[Stu then emerges from the bathroom, laughing, half naked and wearing women’s panties with what appears to be breast implants]
Stu: Oh, my God. You guys, we’re so crazy! I’m wearing women’s underwear.
[Cassie laughs as she looks at Stu]
Cassie: Oh, my God!
Phil: Stu, don’t freak out, but you need to look down.
[Stu looks down and notices his breasts]
Stu: Oh, my God! Oh! Aah!
[Stu freaks out and the others laugh]
Stu: I have boobies now!
Phil: [laughing] Holy shit!
Stu: It’s not funny! Alan, what did you do? What did you do, Alan?
Alan: The wedding cake, it was from Leslie.
[at that moment Chow emerges from the next room, naked and holding a katana]
Stu: Oh, my God.
Mr. Chow: We had a sick night, bitches!
[Chow laughs, then the monkey from Hangover Part II jumps on Stu’s shoulder making him scream and freak out]
Total Quotes: 79
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