The Hangover 3 Quotes

(Page 2)

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[after Phil, Stu and Alan get arrested by Mexican Police and are questioned at the station, the officer goes through their files]
Officer Vasquez: Stuart Price. No felonies, one arrest, Las Vegas, Nevada.
[he pick ups Phil’s file]
Officer Vasquez: Phil Warnick. No felonies, one arrest, also Las Vegas, Nevada.
[he picks up Alan’s file, which is slightly thicker]
Officer Vasquez: Alan Garner.
[he flips through the thick pages of the file]
Officer Vasquez: Is this record accurate?
[he passes the file to Alan, who starts looking through it]
Alan: Uh-huh. I did that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Masturbating on a city bus. Yep, that was me.


 

Phil: Look, we’ve been here for five hours. We already told your guys everything that we know.
Officer Vasquez: No. You told them a story about a little Chinese man.
Stu: Leslie Chow. He is an international criminal, look it up
Officer Vasquez: A little Chinese man that no one in town has seen or heard of. And the hotel you say he’s staying, there’s no one there.
Phil: Probably because he left town.
Officer Vasquez: That’s one theory. Another theory is that you’re lying.
[suddenly Alan laughs, as he continues to read from his police record file]
Alan: Lude behavior, Cracker Barrel, Christmas Eve.
[at that moment another officer enters the room and requests to speak with Vasquez]
Officer Vasquez: Excuse me.
[Vasquez leaves the room]
Stu: We’re fucking dead.


 

Alan: Why would Mr. Chow do this?
Phil: Because he’s a greedy piece of shit who used us.
Alan: Yeah, but he’s our friend.
Phil: Oh, grow up, Alan.
[Vazquez returns to the room]
Officer Vasquez: You’re free to leave. All the charges have been dropped.
Stu: By who?
Officer Vasquez: It’s your lucky day. There’s a car waiting for you out front. Come on, let’s go.
[they walk out of the station to fine a black limo waiting for them outside]


 

Phil: What?
[Phil turns to Vazquez]
Phil: I’m sorry, what is this?
Officer Vasquez: Get in the car.
[they get in the car and Phil addresses the driver]
Phil: Excuse me, sir? Where are we headed?
[the driver ignores them and pulls up the driver’s partition and locks the doors, he drives them back to the villa they just robbed, he opens the car door]
Hector: Welcome back.
[to Stu and Alan]
Phil: What the fuck?
Hector: Let’s go, guys.


 

[the driver leads them into the house and out onto the back porch where they find Doug sitting on the steps]
Phil: Doug?
Doug: Guys…
[Doug goes to take a step toward Phil but he’s stopped by Black Doug]
Black Doug: Get your ass back over here!
[suddenly they see Marshall sat on a sun lounger by the pool]
Marshall: Leslie Chow never lived here. You did not break into his old house, you broke into my house.
Phil: I don’t understand.
Marshall: You didn’t get back the gold he stole from me, you got the other half that he didn’t.
Stu: Oh my, God!
Phil: Oh, you…you mean the half he never had?
Marshall: He’s a word class rat and you three were his accomplices.


 

[Marshall takes out his gun]
Phil: No, no, no!
Stu: We had no idea!
Phil: We were trying to help you, we thought you’d be happy!
Marshall: Thank you so much. Thank you for ripping me off! Thank you for desecrating my home! And thank you for killing my fucking dogs!
Stu: We didn’t kill your dogs, they’re just tranquilized.
Marshall: Oh, right. You don’t know. Chow snapped their necks on his way out.
Stu: What?
Black Doug: And somebody’s gotta pay.
Marshall: He’s right.
[Marshall suddenly points his gun toward Doug standing next to Black Doug]
Doug: No, no, no, no!
[Marshall shoots Black Doug in the chest and kills him, his body falls into the pool behind him]


 

[looking at Black Doug’s body floating in the pool]
Marshall: My head of security. Couldn’t stop three fuckups and a China man with a pair of wire cutters. Unreal.
[Marshall looks at the Phil, Stu and Alan and see that Alan has pissed his pants]
Marshall: Oh, man! That’s okay. I know it’s scary. Hector! Run upstairs and grab a pair of sweat pants for Alan here.
[speaking tearfully]
Alan: I’m a forty-four slim. Can you bring me a few options?
Marshall: You found Chow once, find him again. And my gold.
Phil: Wait. We don’t even have a car, Chow stole my minivan.
Marshall: Take the limo, Hector has the keys. And get going. I’m killing Doug today.


 

[after leaving Marshall’s villa with his limo, the Wolf Pack make a stop by the side of the road]
Phil: I never saw anyone get killed before.
Stu: Right! My God, that was so intense. I mean, he just fell and he’s…he’s dead.
Phil: I feel sick.
Stu: Me too.
Alan: Well, maybe we should get some food, guys.
Stu: What are we gonna do? We have no idea where Chow is.
Phil: I don’t know.
Stu: He took your minivan, maybe we could report it stolen and then they could track him down?
Phil: It’s worth a shot.
[Phil goes to grab his phone from his pocket]
Phil: Oh, fuck! I left my phone in the minivan.
Alan: Well, if you lost your phone, Phil, I have that ‘find my phone app’.
Phil: Oh, we have bigger problems than that, Alan.
Stu: No, no. Wait, wait. If your phone is in the minivan, and…and Chow has the minivan, then your phone’s with Chow.
Alan: You heard him, we have bigger problems than that, Stu.
Phil: Alan, give me your phone. Quick. That’s brilliant.


 

[Phil takes Alan’s phone]
Phil: Yes!
[to Alan]
Phil: Wait. What’s your password?
Alan: Hey, Phil.
Phil: Yeah?
Alan: No, that’s it.
Phil: What?
Alan: That’s my password. “Hey, Phil.”
[Phil puts in the password]
Phil: It is it.


 

Alan: Phil gets it. Nothing worse than losing your phone.
Stu: You just saw a man get murdered, your brother-in-law is kidnapped, you sure there’s nothing worse?
Alan: You don’t get it, Stu. You just don’t get it. Do you? I have over sixty apps on that phone! What if I lost my phone? Do you have any idea how much time and man hours it would take to re-download those apps?
Stu: You’re…you are right. I had not thought of that. Thank you.
Alan: Oh, God. It’s not always about you, Stu!
Phil: It’s locating.


 

[Alan’s phone pings as it tracks Phi’s cell phone]
Phil: Oh, God. Of course.
Stu: What? Where is he?
Phil: He’s in fucking Vegas.
Alan: Shot gun.
Stu: Oh, no.
Alan: Hey, Stu?
[Stu turns to face Alan]
Alan: I don’t enjoy talking to you that way. I don’t know why you insist on making me blow my top. We’ve been on a lot of adventures together, but it seems like you haven’t learned anything. Anything! You think on it.
[he pats Stu on the ass before turning toward the limo]
Alan: I’ll be in the limo.
[he walks toward the limo and whispers to Phil]
Alan: He’s okay.


 

[we see the Wolfpack driving to Las Vegas]
Stu: Someone needs to burn this place to the ground. I told myself I would never come back.
Phil: Don’t worry, it all ends tonight.
[as they drive through Las Vegas tracking Phil’s phone in his minivan]
Stu: It says two hundred yards up on the right.
Phil: And there it is. Amazing.
[they stop outside a pawn shop where the minivan has been left]
Phil: Looks like he ditched it.
[Stu opens the passenger side door]
Stu: It’s open.
Phil: No shit. Well look around.
[Phil opens the driver’s side door and gets inside]
Phil: Let’s see if he left anything in here .
[they all starts looking around inside the car]
Stu: I found the Demerol.
Phil: Good. Keep it, we’re gonna need it.
[Stu pockets the Demerol]
Phil: Ah, I got my phone. No fucking keys though.
[turning to Alan in the back seat]
Phil: Alan, Anything ?
Alan: No, not even the gold.


 

Phil: Why the fuck would Chow come down here?
Stu: I know, right? Why here?
[inside the pawn shop, the clerk, Cassie, is watching wrestling on her computer]
Cassie: Woh. Nice !
[Phil, Stu and Alan enter the shop]
Phil: Excuse me, have you happened to see the driver of that minivan that’s parked out front? Short Asian guy?
Cassie: They’re all short.
[Alan laughs]
Alan: That’s so true.
Phil: Right, but he may have been trying to pawn some gold.
Cassie: That would be my business, wouldn’t it?
Alan: I like your t-shirt.


 

[Alan starts walking toward Cassie, who’s sat behind the counter]
Alan: I saw that show at the Forum, he played Captain Jack.
Cassie: Yeah, I heard that was legendary.
Alan: Woman, you have no idea.
Cassie: Try me.
[Alan and Cassie seem to be having an intimate moment when they’re interrupted by Cassie’s mother entering behind the counter in her electric wheelchair]
Cassie’s Mom: Cassie, I’m hungry. I thought you ordered Chinese.
Cassie: Mom, I’m with a customer! You’ll eat when I say it’s time to eat!
Cassie’s Mom: But the doctor told…
Cassie: If you don’t reverse that right now, there’s gonna be hell to pay.
[Alan laughs as he watches Cassie talking rudely to her mom, who reversers her electric wheelchair and leaves]
Alan: She’s rude.
Cassie: Thank you.
[yelling out to her mother]
Cassie: You hear that, ma? Nobody likes you!
Alan: Yeah, keep your mouth shut!
Phil: Woh.
Cassie: You’re smart.


 

[Cassie rises from her seat and leans closer to Alan over the counter]
Cassie: The Chinese guy came in here earlier. He was pretty weird, he pawned a gold brick. That thing’s worth four hundred grand, he took eighteen thousand.
Phil: Did he say where he was going?
Cassie: I’m sorry, was I talking to you?
[looking back at Alan]
Cassie: He said he wanted three things. He wanted some girls, some guys and some bath salts. I gave him a card for an escort service and he took off.
[she takes the card for the escort service from her cash register]
Cassie: Pretty high end, so good luck getting anything out of ’em.
[she hands the card over to Alan]
Alan: Thank you.
[Alan then gives the card to Stu without taking his eyes off Cassie]


 

[Alan takes a lollipop from the jar on the counter and slowly sucks on it, he takes it out of his mouth and puts it in Cassie’s mouth, which makes Stu hurl in disgust, Cassie then continues to suck on the lollipop as she stares at Alan, as she starts chewing on the lollipop, Alan turns to Phil and Stu]
Alan: We gotta go, we should go.
Stu: Yeah.
Phil: Yeah.


hangover-3-10

[Phil and Stu leave the shop, Alan turns to leave but stops and looks at Cassie, he smiles and blows her a kiss which she pretends to catch, Alan turns to go out but walks into a cello and knocks it and several other musical instruments down then tries to put them back up]
Cassie: I’ll get it. I’ll get it.
[he turns and waves to her again, as he goes to leave he walks into the hanging musical instruments again before finally walking out of the shop]


 

[as Stu is trying to call the escort service that was recommended to Chow]
Phil: Anything?
Stu: No, I’m still on hold.
[they see Alan walking out of the pawn shop doing a happy dance as comes over to them]
Phil: Well, look how happy this fucking guy is?
Alan: Have you ever witnessed a moment with that much heat? I mean, white, hot heat, bro!
Phil: No, that was pretty intense.
Alan: Yeah!
[Stu manages to get through to the escort service]
Stu: Yeah, it’s actually an emergency. He has a thick Asian accent.
[he pauses as he listens]
Stu: I totally get it, but this is a highly unusual circumstance and…
[he pauses as he listens for a moment]
Stu: Okay. Alright.
[he ends the call]


 

Stu: It’s an escort service. They’re not gonna tell us shit.
[Phil thinks for a moment]
Phil: Maybe an escort will.
[Stu looks skeptically Phil as he realizes he’s referring to Jade, the hooker Stu got married to in Vegas]
Phil: Still have her number?
Stu: Yeah, but…it’d be pretty awkward.
Phil: It’s all we got.
[we see Alan in the background, looking through the window of the pawn shop]
Alan: She smiled at me again! From inside the shop.
[he starts walking back toward Phil and Stu smiling]
Alan: This is the best day of my life.


 

[they turn up at Jade’s house and she opens the door to greet them]
Stu, Phil: Hey!
Jade: Oh my, God, you guys! It’s been so long!
[she hugs Stu]
Jade: Come in, come in.
Stu: Thank you.
Jade: You look great.
Stu: So do you. You’re pregnant.
Jade: I feel so fat.
Stu: Oh, please.
[they enter inside her home]
Jade: Do you guys mind taking your shoes off? Because I’m kind of a germ freak.
Phil: Oh, of course.
Stu: Yeah. Sure.
[Stu and Phil start taking their shoes off, Alan uses one hand to lean on Jade’s pregnant stomach while he tries to take his shoes off]
Phil: Alan.
Stu: Alan, what are you doing?
Alan: Sorry.


 

[as they walk inside Jade’s living room]
Phil: Wow, you have a great house.
Jade: Thank you. I got married a year ago to a surgeon. Another doctor, can you believe it?
Stu: Another doctor.
Jade: His name is Jeff. You guys would love him.
[turning to her son]
Jade: Tyler, say hi to mommy’s friends.
[Tyler waves to them as he’s sat playing on the floor]
Tyler: Hi.
Phil: Hey.
Stu: Hey.
[they wave back to Tyler]
Stu: Wait. Is that the baby?
Jade: Yeah. Time flies, huh?
Stu: Wow.
Phil: Listen, Jade, is there a place we could talk that’s a little bit more private?
Jade: Yeah, let’s go in the kitchen. You guys want coffee?
Phil: Perfect.
[they start walking toward the kitchen, but Alan remains standing watching Tyler]
Phil: Hey, you coming?
Alan: Hey, Jade, is it okay if I go say hello to the little guy?
Jade: Of course.


 

[as the others leave, Alan goes over and sits down opposite Tyler as he plays with his toys]
Alan: Nice stuff.
Tyler: Thanks. Jeff bought it for me.
Alan: Jeff? Who’s that, your fake dad?
[Tyler doesn’t reply]
Alan: Your name was Carlos once. Did you know that?
Tyler: No.
Alan: Well, it was. And frankly it suits you better.
Tyler: Okay.
Alan: Do you remember me?
Tyler: No. Are you my real dad?
[Alan looks at Tyler for a moment before answering]
Alan: Yes.


 

[Jade pours them coffee in her kitchen]
Alan: I don’t know. I mean, you gotta understand I’ve been out of that world a few years now.
Phil: Mm.
Stu: Yeah, of course. We totally get that.
Alan: I mean, Jeff knows everything and he’s cool, but…
Phil: We’re just asking if you could call around, just find out if anybody might know where he is.
Stu: We could really use your help.


 

[Alan and Tyler are sat inside Tyler’s play tent]
Alan: You used to love it when I would carry you around. Sometimes I can still feel your little head on my chest. So do you like this new Jeff guy?
Tyler: Yeah, he’s nice.
Alan: My dad was nice too. We did everything together. He was my life partner.
[Tyler just stares at Alan]
Alan: I really let him down.


 

[back in the kitchen, Jade is calling her escort services contact to find out where Chow is]
Jade: Okay. Wow. Just trust me, you don’t wanna go over there, okay? Not this one. I love you too.
[she ends the call and turns to Stu and Phil]
Jade: She says there’s this crazy Chinese guy, and he’s hold up in a penthouse suite of Caesars Palace. There’s girls going in and out, drugs everywhere. Sounds like a bad scene.
[to Alan, as he’s still sat in Tyler’s play tent]
Phil: Hey, Alan? We gotta go.
[to Tyler]
Alan: I gotta go, little man. It was great talking to you.
[holding up his hand]
Alan: Hi five.
[as Tyler goes to give Alan a hi five, Alan moves his hand and touches his hair instead]


 

Jade: It was great to see you.
Stu: You too, Jade. Thanks so much for your help.
Phil: Yeah.
Alan: That’s a great kid you got there.hangover-3-11
Jade: He is the best.
[suddenly Tyler comes up behind them]
Tyler: Alan!
[Tyler walks up to Alan and suddenly hugs him tightly]
Alan: Hold on. I have something for you.
[he takes his sunglasses out of his pocket and puts them on Tyler]
Alan: Perfect.
Phil: Oh, please.
Alan: I’ll see you around, Carlos.


 

[as they drive to Vegas, Stu makes the call to Marshall, who’s flying on his private plane]
Marshall: Yeah?
Stu: We got him.
Marshall: Great. Where is he?
Stu: Caesars Palace.
[to Hector; referring to the pilot]
Marshall: Change of plans, tell him we’re going to Vegas.
[to Stu]
Marshall: I’m on my way. There’s a spot just outside of town, I’ll text you the details. Be there at 6 a.m., and make sure the little fucker is tied up.


 

[Stu, whispers something to Phil]
Phil: Hey, Marshall. It’s Phil. Maybe Stu wasn’t clear, we don’t actually have Chow. We just know where he is.
Stu: Yeah, and we were hoping that you and your guys could go to Caesars and get him.
Marshall: I don’t give a fuck what you were hoping. The deal is you bring Chow to me.
Phil: Oh, fuck.
Marshall: 6 a.m., or your friend is dead.
[Marshall ends the call]
Phil: Shit.


 

[as they stand outside Caesars Palace]
Stu: Oh, God! This place gives me the chills.hangover-3-12
Alan: I know, right? It’s great to be back. So many good memories.
Stu: Are you kidding me?
[Phil walks up to them]
Phil: Okay. So here’s the deal. You need a key just to go on to his floor, and then once you’re there, he’s got security posted at the door. It’s ridiculous.
Stu: Let me guess, that’s him.
[Stu points up to one of the floors at Caesars Palace]
Phil: Yep. The one with the strobe lights. I got an idea, but you’re not gonna like it.


 

[as they enter Caesars Palace]hangover-3-13
Stu: It’s not gonna work.
Phil: Not with that fucking attitude.
Alan: You know this whole place is made out of marbles?
[as they sneak into the chamber maids stock room]
Phil: Come on. Go, go, go, go, go.
[they grab a load of bed sheets and get on the elevator]


 

Phil: Okay, after we stick Chow, Alan and I are gonna take him down to the lobby. Be waiting in the valet, engine running, ready to go.
Stu: Are you sure about this?
Phil: Give me the Demerol.
[Stu hands him the Demerol, then the elevator doors open and Alan and Phil walk out leaving Stu inside]
Phil: See you in twenty minutes.
Stu: Hey, Phil?
[Phil stops and turns to look at Stu]
Phil: Yeah?
Stu: Don’t die.
[the elevator doors close]

 


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Total Quotes: 79

 

 

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