The Hangover 3 Quotes: More Action than Comedy(Total Quotes: 79)
Directed by: Todd Phillips
Jon Lucas (characters)
Scott Moore (characters)
Bradley Cooper – Phil
Ed Helms – Stu
Zach Galifianakis – Alan
Justin Bartha – Doug
Ken Jeong – Mr. Chow
John Goodman – Marshall
Melissa McCarthy – Cassie
Jeffrey Tambor – Sid
Heather Graham – Jade
Mike Epps – Black Doug
Sasha Barrese – Tracy
Jamie Chung – Lauren
Sondra Currie – Linda
Gillian Vigman – Stephanie
Oliver Cooper – Pharmacy Assistant
Mike Vallely – Nico
Grant Holmquist – Tyler
Oscar Torre – Officer Vasquez
OUR REVIEW & RATING ★★☆☆☆
The Hangover 3 quotes lack imagination, charm and are pretty much humorless. The narrative departs from having any actual hangovers but manages to actually leave you feeling like you have a hangover. This time the story follows the Wolfpack as they decide to take Alan to rehab after the death of his father and his recent stint with a giraffe on a freeway. As they travel to Arizona they are run off the road by Marshall, a gangster whose gold has been robbed by Chow, and as Chow was close to the Wolfpack, Marshall kidnaps Doug and demands that Chow and his gold are returned to him.
Eventually, the road leads back to Vegas and then begins all the usual silly misunderstandings. What was once an anarchic comedy has been left devoid of jokes and felt more like an amateurish heist action movie, in fact, the funniest part of the movie was the mid-credits scene!
Verdict: While this film is applauded for attempting to try something new and successfully manages to neatly tie up loose ends, sadly on the whole it fails to provide any of the charm or laugh out loud comedy from the first movie.
[first lines; the film begins in a maximum security prison in Bangkok, where a riot is taking place, the main guard heads to a prison cell with a large poster of kitten on the wall, he tears the poster down to reveal a big hole in the wall where Chow has used to escape]
Chief Prison Guard: Chhoooww!!!
[we see Chow landing in the sewer tunnel and making a run for it as the guards chase after him when he is suddenly flushed out of the sewers and is thrown out into the ocean]
Mr. Chow: Ffuuuu…!!!
[we shift to America where Alan is driving on the freeway with a newly purchased giraffe]
Alan: We’re almost home, buddy!
[as he passes another car in the freeway, Alan shouts to a boy in the back of his parent’s looking out the window]
Alan: Hey! My name’s Alan and I bought a giraffe!
[the boy looks at the giraffe]
Alan: He’s all mine! It’s super friendly!
[the boy gives Alan the thumbs up and Alan does the same]
[Alan starts howling in excitement as he carries on driving, then a family in another car notices the giraffe]
Freeway Mom: Oh, wow! Look at the giraffe!
Freeway Girl: Oh, my God! Where do you think it’s going?
[shouting to himself]
Alan: Wooh! My life is great! I have a wonderful life! I have a wonderful life!
[we see Alan driving toward a low bridge, then suddenly as Alan drives under the bridge the giraffe is decapitated and its head smashes into one of the cars on the freeway causing it to crash into another car which causes a massive pile-up, finally Alan stops his car and looks behind him to see the damage he’s caused]
[after causing the crash on the freeway, Alan is sat in the living as his father is talking on the phone]
Sid: Yes, sir. Absolutely, I will. Thank you so much. No, of course …
[there’s a pause as he listens]
Sid: No. No. And again, I’m so sorry.
[he ends the call and looks at Alan]
Sid: That was the mayor, Alan.
Alan: It was an accident! You said you’d always love me, no matter what I did.
Sid: I know, and I do. You’re my best friend. But, Alan, why would you buy a giraffe?
Alan: I’ve always wanted one! I can feed him from my tree house. Besides, they remind me a lot of myself.
Sid: In what way?
Alan: They’re majestic, pensive and tall.
Sid: Where’d you learn that word?
Alan: “Words with Friends”.
Sid: What friends, Alan?
Alan: You can set it on random.
Sid: Alan, aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway, you murdered a wild animal.
Alan: It’s National news. You don’t wanna know the checks I had to write to fix this.
Alan: Oh, please! We’re rich .
Sid: We are not anything, Alan! I’m well off! You are my forty year-old son…!
Alan: I’m forty-two!
Sid: Forty-two year-old son, who still lives at home! You are to go back on your medication or I’m cutting you off.
Alan: You’re bluffing. When’s dinner?
Sid: Your mother and I can’t take this anymore!
[Sid rises and starts walking away]
Alan: Oh, you might have to.
Sid: I can’t do it! I cannot do this!
[Alan puts on his headphone and listens to music as his father continues on ranting in the background to Alan’s mother, suddenly we see Sid collapse from a heart attack, but Alan is oblivious as he continues to listen to his music on the couch]
[at Sid’s funeral and Alan is singing “Ave Maria” in a remarkably female high pitch operatic voice, Phil and Stu are sitting in the crowd of family and friends listening]
Phil: My God, he’s got the voice of an angel.
Stu: It’s breathtaking.
[Alan finishes singing and starts giving a speech]
Alan: I can’t believe my daddy is dead. I can think of so many people I would rather have died first, like my mother.
[his mother is sat in the crowd, crying]
Alan: As many of you know, my father and I were extremely close. He was my life partner. He would often tell me, almost on a daily basis, that I was his favorite child.
[Alan’s sister looks at him in shock]
Alan: I’ll always remember the last words he said to me. “I’m proud of you, Alan. Never change.” Well, I heard you loud and clear, daddy. I will never change.
[he leans closer to the microphone]
Alan: Never, ever.
[Alan’s mom start crying harder, Tracy comforts her]
Tracy: Oh, mom.
[to the priest standing beside him]
Alan: Go ahead, chief.
[Alan steps away from the microphone and the priest takes over]
Priest at Funeral: Sid Garner was a beloved husband, father and neighbor.
[we see Alan standing next to his father’s photo and poses for a photo with his cell phone]
[after the funeral Stu, Phil and Doug are walking away in the cemetery]
Phil: Wow, rough day.
Stu: Yeah. How’s Tracy doing?
Doug: Not great. Her mother is totally on the edge, and if all this weren’t enough, apparently Alan’s been off his meds for almost six months.
Phil: Oh, boy.
Doug: Yeah, it has not been pretty. Then there’s the whole fucking giraffe thing
Phil: I thought that was pretty funny.
Phil: Come on! He killed a giraffe. Who gives a fuck?
Stu: You know, I wasn’t gonna say anything, but Alan’s been stopping by my office lately.
Doug: You’re kidding me? What for?
Stu: I don’t know. He just sits in the waiting room and reads highlights magazine. Fills in the puzzles, whatever he can, and then leaves.
[Phil points ahead]
Phil: Check it out.
[they see Alan, with his shirt off and in his vest, using a shovel to bury his father’s casket with the dirt that was dug up]
Phil: Jesus, what are you gonna do with him?
Doug: Actually, I wanted to talk to you guys about that. Linda really wants to stage an intervention for him.
Phil: An intervention? Really?
Stu: I think that sounds like a great idea.
Doug: Yeah. The thing is, she’s pretty convinced he won’t agree to it unless all of us are there. I mean, you know how he is.
Phil: Oh, I do not know. It seems a little extreme to me.
Stu: Oh, God. Look at him now .
[they all turn to see Alan, with his vest off now, standing in his father’s grave, posing as he rests and takes a drink]
Phil: Okay, I’m in. When are we doing it?
[Stu and Phil are having dinner in a restaurant with their wives]
Lauren: So we talked to Tracy today and she said that the treatment facility that they found was really nice .
Stu: It’s beautiful, I checked it out online. Great reputation.
Phil: Who gives a fuck? It’s in Arizona! We gotta go on like a two day drive for this shit?
Stephanie: Here we go.
Phil: They should just save their money and send him to a fat camp.
Phil: What? He should lose some weight and find a woman. That’s what he needs. The dude’s lonely.
Lauren: Well, if he’s so lonely, why don’t the two of you spend some more time with him?
Phil: No, trust me, you don’t want that.
Stu: No, you definitely don’t want that.
Lauren: Oh, come on. He’s not that bad. I mean, what’s the worst that’s happened? The tattoo?
[Stu touches where the tattoo was on his face]
Stu: Yeah, the tattoo’s the worst.
[he looks at Phil]
Phil: Definitely, the tattoo was the worst. Nightmare.
[there’s a moment’s awkward silence]
Phil: Speaking of which, you ever get tested?
Stu: Excuse me?
Phil: You know, cause of the ink.
[Stu looks at Phil, as he makes his thinly veiled joke about his experience in Bangkok]
Phil: The one inside you.
Stu: I’m fine.
[as they leave the restaurant, somebody watches them from close by]
[as Alan’s mom sets up the intervention at their home]
Linda: I can’t thank you so much for coming.
Phil: Oh, of course.
[she brings Phil and Stu into the living room]
Linda: This is Nico. Nico is a good friend of Alan’s.
Nico: What’s up, bros.
Phil: Oh, yeah. Hey,
Linda: And that’s Blanca. Blanca’s been with us since Alan was a baby.
[pointing to the kid sat on the couch]
Linda: And this is Timothy. Timothy lives across the street. He and Alan swim together.
[Stu and Phil look at each other for a moment]
Phil: Hey. What’s up, little man?
Doug: Why don’t you guys take a seat?
[as all of Alan’s friends are gathered for his intervention]
Doug: Tracy’s on her way back with Alan right now. Obviously he has no idea this is coming, so things might get a little intense. But no matter what happens, remember this is all about Alan getting better.
[at that moment Alan enters the house]
Alan: Mother, Oreo smoothie, now!
[he notices everyone sat in the living room]
Alan: Woh. Hey, everyone.
Phil: Hey !
Alan: Hey, Timothy. Little cold for a swim, isn’t it?
[not knowing what to answer, Timothy looks at Doug]
Phil: Oh, wow.
[Phil points to Alan’s t-shirt which has ‘Santa Monica Pier’ written on it]
Phil: Look, you went to the, uh…pier today. How was that?
Tracy: We had a great time.
Alan: Yeah, I played skeeball for like forty-five minutes. It was a pretty sick workout. What’s going on?
Doug: Uh…why don’t you have a seat, bud. We just wanna talk to you for a sec.
[Alan walks into the living room]
Alan: Hey, Phil.
[Alan raises his hand for a high five and Phil hits his hand]
Phil: Hey, yeah.
[Alan walks over to Stu, still with his hand raised, as Stu goes to high five him, Alan puts his hand down]
Stu: Oh! You got me.
[Alan sits between Phil and Stu]
Doug: So, Alan, we’re all here to tell you about an awesome place called ‘New Horizons’.
Alan: That does sound awesome.
Tracy: Alan, this is an intervention.
Alan: A what?
[Linda picks up a piece of paper and starts reading from it]
Linda: Alan, I love you so much, we all do. But we can’t keep lying to each other. Ever since you were a baby, all I wanted…
Alan: Oh, my God! Is anybody else falling asleep?
Stu: Alan, listen.
Alan: No offense, Mom, but you’re boring.
Blanca: Mr. Alan.
Alan: Oh, now you?
[Blanca starts reading from her piece of paper]
Blanca: I pick up after you for thirty years. I cleaned your room, I see things no one should ever see. But I pray for you. Mr. Alan, everyone…
[Alan knocks over a full glass of soda on purpose]
Alan: Someone should clean that up.
Stu: Alan, you are not well. You’re off your meds, and you’re clearly upsetting your whole family.
Alan: That’s baloney!
Doug: Alan, if you say yes to this, we drive you there today, and I promise you will come back a changed man.
Alan: Who’s ‘we’? What…what do you mean ‘we’? Who’s ‘we’?
Doug: We, all of us. Stu, Phil, me, you.
[Alan looks at Stu and Phil]
Alan: You going, Phil?
Phil: I love you, Alan.
[Alan starts moaning in a high pitched voice and looking as though he’s going to weep]
[later, the four set out on their trip to Arizona with Phil driving them, Alan is sat in the back of the car looking depressed]
Phil: Hey, Alan, you hungry? You wanna get some RB’s ?
Alan: No, thanks.
Phil: You know, I meant to tell you earlier, that’s a really cool vest you got on.
Alan: Thanks, Phil. It was my Dad’s. He died in it.
Stu: Woh. That’s intense
Doug: Hey, Alan, I just wanna say what you’re doing is really brave. We’re proud of you.
Stu: Yeah, you’re gonna do great.
Alan: Stop the car. I don’t wanna do this anymore.
Alan: I’ve changed my mind.
Stu: Alan, you can’t change your mind. Everybody’s counting on you.
Alan: I-I-I…I’m fine just the way I am. I wanna go home. Turn the car around!
[Alan goes to grab the steering wheel and as the others try to stop him the back of their minivan is suddenly hit by a truck]
Phil: What the fuck was that?
[the truck hits them again]
Stu: Oh, my God! He’s doing it on purpose!
Doug: Just get out of his way! Get out of the way.
Phil: I am. I am.
[Phil gets into the next lane and starts honking his horn at the truck driver]
Phil: Hey! Hey, get the fuck off!
Stu: We must exchange information.
[the truck hits the side of their car]
Doug: Phil! Watch out, Phil!
[as the truck causes them to swerve to edge of the road and come across yellow bins by the side of the road]
Phil: Oh, shit!
[the truck causes them to crash into the bins]
Stu: Get away from him!
Phil: I’m trying!
[the truck hits them again making them swerve off the road and crash]
Phil: Oh, shit!
[as their minivan comes to a stop off the road, they see a couple of guys wearing pig masks jump out of the truck, come after them and take them hostage, they place in the back of the truck with Alan taken last he’s been placed on the truck elevator to bring him up]
Alan: We are in an elevator!
[Alan is finally shoved into the back of the truck with the other three]
Stu: What the fuck is going on?!
[after being kidnapped, they are taken into the middle of the Arizona dessert and their hoods are taken off]
Phil: Please, this is a huge mistake! You got the wrong guys!
[pointing a gun at them]
Black Doug: No, I got the right fucking guys.
[to one of his men]
Black Doug: Get him up. Pick him up, put him over here.
Alan: Hey, you’re black Doug! It’s Black Doug!
Black Doug: Shut the fuck up with that! Shut the fuck up!
Stu: Oh my, God! It is!
[turning to Alan]
Stu: Alan, tell me right now, why is Black Doug kidnapping us?
[pointing his gun at Stu]
Black Doug: I said don’t call me that shit no more!
Black Doug: It ain’t Alan’s fault.
Alan: Thank you, Black Doug.
Black Doug: Ooh, Mother fuck…! I will…
Black Doug: Fucker!
Alan: Okay! Okay!
Phil: Just Doug, okay?
Phil: Why are you doing this?
[they turn to see Black Doug’s boss coming out of a car]
Marshall: I told him to. I’m Marshall. And whether you know it or not, we all have something in common, and it all started four years ago, when this moron…
[referring to Black Doug, as he lowers his gun down]
Marshall: …sold the wrong drugs to this dumb fuck.
[he walks up to Alan]
Marshall: You have no idea the chain of events that were set in motion that night. In the parking lot of a fucking liquor store.
[Alan has flashback to that night he noticed Black Doug selling drugs in the parking lot of the liquor store]
[Alan walks up to Black Doug’s car]
Alan: What up, nigger?
Black Doug: Excuse me?
Alan: Chill out, I’m not a cop. Just in town for the night. Me and my boys looking to get our freak on.
[we see Alan buying the drugs from Black Doug]
[we see flashback when Stu and Phil have discovered Black Doug has sold Alan the wrong drugs]
Stu: You sold Alan roofies.
Black Doug: Oh, shit. I must have mixed up the bags.
[looking at Alan]
Black Doug: My fault, Alan. Damn! Marshall gonna be pissed off with me on that one.
[back to the present, this line keeps echoing in Stu’s mind]
[looking at Marshall]
Stu: You’re Marshall.
Stu: You brought us out here because of that?!
Marshall: You’re not here because of that. You’re here because some China man I never heard of strolls into my town and takes one of my guys off the street!
Phil: Mr. Chow?
Marshall: Yes! Yes, Mr. Leslie-fucking-Chow. You introduced a virus into my life.
Phil: Oh, God. What did he do?
Marshall: He fucked me in the ass.
Alan: Oh, he does that from time to time.
Marshall: Not literally. Jesus!
[there’s a moment’s pause]
Marshall: A few weeks after your bullshit. I get word this sheik is coming in from Abu Dhabi. He was looking to make some less than legal investments. He brought his two wives and forty-two million dollars in gold bars. It was a layup.
[we see flashback to the sheik flying in on his private jet with his wives, as his gold bars are being unloaded from the plane, two men in pig masks come and steal his gold]
Marshall: [voice over] We took it all. Two vans, each with twenty-one million in gold. My guys split up. One of them made it back. One of them didn’t.
[we see flashback to the black van containing half the gold bars being stopped by a police car, they pull over and the policeman gets out of his car and walks up to the van]
Henchman #1: Is there a problem, officer?
[we see Chow dressed up as a police officer]
Mr. Chow: Not anymore, motherfucker.
[Chow points his gun at the henchman and laughs]
Marshall: Leslie Chow stole twenty-one million dollars from me. On a Tuesday.
Phil: Oh, God.
Marshall: I looked everywhere for him. But he’s gone, no one can find him. Until the little cockroach got himself pinched in Bangkok. So I pay him a visit.
[flashback to Marshall visiting Chow in prison]
Marshall: [voice over] I offer him a truce. I won’t touch a hair on his head, I just want him to tell me where my gold is. He refuses to talk.
[back to the desert in Arizona]
Marshall: Not only he does refuse to talk to me, he has no communication with anyone form the outside.
[he walks up to Alan and knocks him down]
Marshall: Except you!
Alan: Hey, it’s unfair!
Stu: Alan, you been talking to Chow?
Marshall: They’ve been writing letters!
[taking out the letters]
Alan: Hey, those are private!
[Marshall starts reading out loud from the letters]
Marshall: “Dear Leslie, OMG, the McRib is back! Why was it ever gone?”
Marshall: “Dear Alan, I threw urine on prison guard today. Blamed it on cell mate. Wish you were here.”
Alan: Yeah, I wish I could have seen that.
Marshall: Letter after letter of total nonsense, except for common thread.
[pointing to them]
Marshall: You guys.
Marshall: The Wolfpack.
Doug: Jesus Christ. Alan!
Marshall: Five weeks ago, Chow escaped from maximum security detention.
Phil: Oh, fuck.
Marshall: He stored aboard a shipping freighter bound for the West Coast.
[Marshall walks up to Alan and leans down toward him]
Marshall: Where is he?
Alan: I don’t know.
Phil: Alan, if you know where he is, you tell this man right now.
Alan: Phil, I…I don’t know. I swear, I haven’t talked to him in months.
[Marshall looks at Alan for a moment]
Marshall: We Gotta do it the hard way.
[Marshall’s henchmen knock Stu and Phil down]
Doug: What the fuck?!
[the henchman holding Doug puts a bag over Doug’s head]
Doug: Hey! Hey! Don’t!
Marshall: Let’s go.
Doug: No! What the fuck?!
[Doug gets dragged away]
Phil: Woh! Woh! Woh! What are you doing?!
Marshall: Doug is my insurance, he stays with me. You don’t give me Chow, I blow his brains out. You go to the cops, I blow his brains out.
Phil: But that’s insane! We don’t even know where the fuck he is!
Marshall: No one does. But I figured the Wolfpack has the best chance of finding him. You have three days. Get to work.
[Marshall and his men get into their cars]
Alan: Can’t you take Stu instead?
Stu: Fuck you, Alan.
[Marshall and his men drive off]
Phil: Shit! Shit!
[after Marshall and his henchmen drive off, leaving Stu, Phil and Alan lying on the ground with their hands tied]
Alan: Yeah, Phil?
Phil: I need you to roll over here and chew off these hand ties.
[Alan rolls over to Phil and rolls onto Phil’s back]
Alan: Getting a little too much steam.
Phil: Get off me.
Alan: Alright. Let me just shimmy down.
Phil: Would you just…?
Alan: Hold still! Hold still!
[Stu start screaming out]
Stu: Help! Help!
[after freeing themselves, later on at a gas station filling up the minivan]
Phil: Holy shit. What are we gonna do, Stu?
Stu: We’re gonna go to the police.
Phil: Oh, no, we’re fucking not. Did you hear that guy? He will kill Doug, period. Chow is a cancer, he has been a cancer since the first day we met him. So we’re gonna hand him over to this guy Marshall and then it’s done.
Alan: Hey, Phil…
Phil: Alan, not now. But I need you, Stu. I can’t do this alone.
Stu: Do what alone? We have no idea where he even is!
Phil: What, Alan?
Alan: Well, I was just gonna say, I got this strange email the other day, I wasn’t sure what it meant. But now I think it might be from Chow.
[Phil takes Alan’s cell phone and reads the email]
Phil: “Fatty, it feels good to be out. I’m close by. Tell no one, I’ll be in touch. Chow.”
[Phil and Stu look at Alan]
Phil: This says Chow. How did you not know this was from Chow?
Alan: At the time, I thought it was Chow like ‘goodbye’. You know Like Ciao, Arrivederci, Sbarro, Papa Johns.
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