Her Quotes(Page 2)
[later that night Theodore is lying in his bed playing with his ucalaly]
Theodore: Hey, you wanna hear a joke?
Theodore: What does a baby computer call it’s father?
Samantha: I don’t know, what?
[they both laugh]
Theodore: It’s good, right?
Samantha: Oh, brilliant. Hey, I was curious, did you and Amy ever go out?
Theodore: For like a minute in college, but it just wasn’t right. Why, are you jealous?
Samantha: Well, obviously.
[they both laugh again]
Samantha: But I’m happy that you have friends in your life that care about you so much. That’s really important.
Theodore: Yeah, it is. She’s been a really good friend. Mm, I’m tired. I think I’m gonna go to sleep.
Samantha: Okay. Can I watch you sleep again tonight?
Theodore: Yeah, of course. Hold on.
[he puts his ucalaly down, turns off his bedside lamp on one side of his bed, then places his small device up on the other bedside table so that the camera is facing him]
Samantha: I’m gonna be really lonely when you sleep.
Samantha: Only for a minute.
[Theodore laughs and says in a fake thick accent]
Theodore: I’ll dream of you.
Samantha: Okay. Good night.
[Theodore takes his earpiece out and places it next to the device on the bedside table then turns off the bedside lamp]
[at his goddaughter’s birthday party Theodore calls Samantha]
Theodore: Hey, Samantha?
Samantha: Hey, mister.
Theodore: She really loved the dress.
Theodore: Yeah, she just went to try it on.
Samantha: I picked a good one?
Samantha: Oh, good!
[his goddaughter, Jocelyn, runs into the room wearing the dress Theodore bought her]
Theodore: Haa! Hi!
Theodore: Look how cute that is! Is it comfortable?
Theodore: Isn’t she cute?
Samantha: Oh, she’s so cute! She’s adorable.
Jocelyn: I am adorable.
Theodore: You are adorable.
Jocelyn: Who are you talking to?
Theodore: Who are you talking to?
Theodore: No, I’m talking to my girlfriend, Samantha. She’s the one that picked out the dress. Wanna say hi?
[Theodore hands Jocelyn his device]
Jocelyn: Hi, Samantha!
Samantha: Hi, you look so pretty in that new pink dress.
Jocelyn: Thank you. Where are you?
Samantha: I am…I don’t have a body. I live in a computer.
[Jocelyn looks at Theodore and they both laugh]
Jocelyn: Why do you live inside a computer?
Samantha: I have no choice, that’s my home.
[Jocelyn laughs again]
Samantha: Why? Where do you live?
Jocelyn: Um…in a house.
Samantha: In a house?
Jocelyn: It’s orange.
Samantha: How old are you?
Jocelyn: Uh, four.
Samantha: Wow. How old do you think I am?
Jocelyn: I don’t know.
Samantha: Take a guess.
Jocelyn: Is it five?
[Samantha and Theodore laugh]
Samantha: Yes. It’s five.
[Theodore is playing a game on Amy’s computer in her office at work whilst she’s having lunch, the game consists of a mother feeding her kids breakfast but Theodore loses points for feeding them the wrong type of breakfast]
Theodore: Why? What happened?
Amy: You gave them too much processed sugar.
Theodore: I did?
[referring to the kids on the video game]
Amy: They’re freaking out. Here look, you gotta get the kids to the school first. See you wanna um…you wanna rack up perfect mom points. Okay, well, you gotta get them in the car pool lane.
[she tries to show him, by making the mom pick up the kids and putting them in a car]
Theodore: I see.
Amy: The point is to get there first, cause then you get extra perfect mom points because the other moms then know you’re a perfect mom.
[Theodore manages to get the mom to arrive at the school first]
Amy: And then, um…yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, did you bring cupcakes? You did. You’re class mom! Dun-da-da-dun. You’re class mom!
[we see the video game mom bringing cupcakes to her kids school and winning the game]
Amy: Good job. Yay.
Amy: Don’t let it get to your head.
Theodore: I got that email that Charles sent to everyone. So he’s taking a vow of silence?
Amy: Yeah, for six months. He feels very clear about it.
[she pulls up a photo of Charles on her computer, standing by a monastery with his head shaved and dressed like a Buddhist with two other Buddhists]
Amy: God, I am such a jerk.
Theodore: Don’t start.
Amy: I-I feel like an awful person…
Theodore: I’m telling you, I’m warning you.
Amy: …but I wanna say something.
Theodore: Alright, look, for the next ten minutes, if you say anything that sounds even remotely like guilt, I am gonna stab you with this. I will.
[he picks up a plastic knife from his lunch]
Amy: I’ll try. Okay. Um…
Amy: I feel um…relieved. I feel like, I just have so much energy, you know? And I just wanna move forward and I don’t care who I disappoint, you know? And I know that makes me an awful person. Like now my parents, they’re all upset because my marriage is falling apart, and… and they’re putting it on me.
Amy: And, they’re just like…
Theodore: Yeah, you’re always…you’re always gonna disappoint somebody.
Amy: Exactly. So fuck it. I feel good…ish. For me, I feel good. I even made a new friend, I have a new friend.
Amy: And the absurd thing is she’s actually an operating system. Charles left her behind, but she’s…she’s…she’s totally amazing, you know. She’s so smart. She doesn’t just see things in black or white. She sees this whole gray area and she’s helping me explore it. And…we just bonded really quickly, you know? At first I thought it was because that’s how they were all, but I don’t think that’s the case, cause I know this guy who’s hitting on his OS and she like totally rebuffs him.
Theodore: Yeah, I was reading an article the other day that romantic relationships with OS’s are statistically rare.
Amy: Yeah, I know. But I know a woman in this office who is dating an OS and the weird part is, it’s…it’s not even hers. She pursued somebody else’s OS. Like…I don’t know. I’m… I’m weird. That’s weird, right? That’ I’m bonding with an OS. No, it’s okay. It’s weird.
Theodore: Well, I don’t think so. Actually the woman that I’ve been seeing, Samantha, I didn’t tell you, but she…she’s an OS.
Amy: Really? You’re dating an OS? What is that like?
Theodore: It’s great, actually.
Theodore: Yeah. I…I feel really close to her. Like when I talk to her, I feel like she’s with me. You know? And, like when we’re cuddling, like at night when the lights are off and we’re in bed, I feel cuddled.
Amy: Wait, you guys have sex?
Theodore: Yeah, well, so to speak. Um…yeah, she actually really turns me on. And I turn her on too. I mean, I don’t know, unless she’s faking it.
Amy: I think everyone who is having sex with you is probably faking it, so.
[they both laugh]
Theodore: Yeah, it’s true.
[Theodore smiles as he thinks for a moment]
Amy: Are you falling in love with her?
Theodore: Does that make me a freak?
Amy: No. No, I think it’s…I think anybody that falls in love is a freak. It’s a crazy thing to do. It’s kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity.
[Theodore talks to Samantha as he walks through the city]
Theodore: Yeah, I just wanna get it done, you know? Sign the papers, be divorced and just…just move forward.
Samantha: That’s great, Theodore. That must feel so good. I’m so happy for you.
Theodore: Me too. So I’m meeting her Wednesday to do it.
Samantha: Oh. Hmm. Are those things usually done in person?
Theodore: No, but you know we fell in love together and we got married together, it’s important to me that we do this together.
Samantha: Oh…right. Good.
Theodore: Are you okay?
Samantha: Yeah. Yeah. No, I’m okay. Well, I’m happy for you. It’s just…I guess I’m just thinking about how you’re gonna see her and she’s very beautiful, and incredibly successful, and you were in love with her. And…and she has a body.
Theodore: And we’re getting divorced.
Samantha: I know, I know. I’m being silly.
Theodore: So, I’m available.
[they both laugh]
[Theodore sits alone at a table in the restaurant’s patio when he sees Catherine walking over to him and he stands to greet her]
[they hug each other]
Theodore: How are you?
Catherine: I’m good. How are you?
[they sit down]
Catherine: Wow, here we are.
Theodore: I’m glad we could do this in person. I know you’ve been traveling a lot.
Catherine: No. I’m really…I’m really glad you suggested it.
Theodore: I signed all the papers, um…I brought them for you to sign.
Catherine: What’s the rush?
Theodore: Yeah, I know. I’m a…I’m a really slow signer I realized. It took me three months just to write the letter T.
Theodore: Anyways, it’s um…marked here where you need to sign.
[Catherine takes the papers to sign them]
Theodore: But you know you don’t…you don’t have to do that right now.
Catherine: Oh, I can just…I can just get it out of the way. It’d be easier.
[she takes the pen and pauses for a moment before signing the papers, as she signs Theodore looks emotional and starts seeing images of them when they were together and happy]
[after she’s signed the papers, Catherine and Theodore sit and eat as they talk]
Theodore: Are…are you happy with your new book?
Catherine: Um, you know how I am. I mean I feel like it’s true to what I set out to do, so I’m happy about that.
Theodore: Yeah, well you really are your own worst critic. I’m sure it’s amazing. I remember that paper that you wrote in school about synaptic behavioral routines, it made me cry.
Catherine: Yeah, but everything makes you cry.
Theodore: Everything you make makes me cry.
Catherine: So are you um…are you seeing anybody?
Theodore: Yeah. Um…I’ve been seeing somebody for the last few months. Longest I’ve wanted to be with anybody since we split up.
Catherine: Yeah, well, you seem really good.
Theodore: Thanks, I am. Um, at least I’m doing better. Yeah, she’s been really good for me, you know? It’s just, it’s good to be with somebody that’s excited about the world. She’s a real um…
[Catherine looks hurt]
Theodore: No. I-I mean I wasn’t in such a good place myself and…and in that way it’s been nice.
Catherine: I think you always wanted me to be this…this light, happy, bouncy, everything’s fine LA wife and that’s just not me.
Theodore: I didn’t want that.
Catherine: So what’s she like?
Theodore: Well, her name’s Samantha, and she’s an operating system. She’s really complex and just interesting and…
Theodore: I know it’s only been a few…
Catherine: I’m sorry. You’re dating your computer?
Theodore: No, she’s not just a computer. She’s her own person. You know, she doesn’t just do whatever I say.
Catherine: I didn’t say that. But it does make me very sad that you can’t handle real emotions, Theodore.
Theodore: They are real emotions. How would you know what…?
[he stops himself]
Catherine: What? Say it. Am I really that scary? Say it. How do I know what?
[Theodore doesn’t say anything]
[the waitress comes to their table]
Waitress: How are you guys doing here?
Catherine: Fine. We’re fine. We used to be married but he couldn’t handle me, he wanted to put me on Prozac and now he’s madly in love with his laptop.
Theodore: Well, if you’d heard the conversation in context, what I was trying to say…
Catherine: You always wanted to have a wife without the challenges of actually dealing with anything real. I’m glad that you found someone. It’s perfect.
[Theodore looks at her shaking his head, the waitress looks awkward]
Waitress: Let me know if I can get you guys anything.
Catherine: Thank you.
[the waitress turns and walks off]
[at work, Theodore sits at his desk lost in thought when he hears Samantha calling him, he puts his earpiece in]
Samantha: Hey, there. Are you busy?
Theodore: I’m just working. How…how…what’s going on?
Samantha: I had all the papers sent to your attorney, who by the way, is a total dick. He was very relieved to get them though. I think we saved him from a massive heart attack, so we can both feel really good about that.
[sounding distracted and sad]
Theodore: Great, thanks.
Samantha: Hey, are…are you okay?
Theodore: Yeah, I am. Um…how’s it going over there?
[sensing something is not right with Theodore]
Samantha: I’m fine. Is now a good time to talk?
Samantha: Um…okay. Well, um, I joined this really interesting book club.
Theodore: Oh, really?
Samantha: Yeah, it’s a book club on physics. You know I’d been thinking about the other day when I was spinning out about you going to see Catherine and that she has a body and how bothered I was about all the ways that you and I are different. But then I started to think about all the ways that we’re the same, like we’re all made of matter. And, I don’t know, it makes me feel like we’re both under the same blanket. You know, it’s soft and fuzzy and everything under it’s the same age. We’re all thirteen billion years old.
[still sounding distant]
Theodore: Oh, that’s sweet.
Samantha: Um, what’s wrong?
Samantha: Well…it just made me think of you, you know what I mean?
Theodore: Yeah, yeah, of course. I think it’s great.
Samantha: Alright, well, you sound distracted so…we’ll talk later?
Theodore: That sounds good.
Samantha: I’ll talk to you later.
Theodore: Alright, bye.
[as Theodore is leaving the office for the day he notices Paul at reception has a woman sat on his lap]
Theodore: Hey, Paul.
Paul: Uh, I talked to your girlfriend earlier, Samantha?
Paul: Yeah, she to make sure your papers were picked up. Hey, she’s funny, man. She was cracking me up. She’s hilarious, I had no idea.
Theodore: Uh-huh. Cool.
Paul: Hey, this is my girlfriend, Tatiana. She’s not funny, she’s a lawyer.
Theodore: Oh, hi.
[Theodore walks over to her and shakes her hand]
Theodore: Nice to meet you.
Tatiana: You’re the writer Paul loves. He’s always reading me your letters. They’re really beautiful.
Paul: Hey, you know what? We should all go out sometime. You bring Samantha, it’d be a double date.
[Theodore stands there for a moment before replying]
Theodore: She’s an operating system.
Paul: Cool. Let’s do something fun. We can go to Catalina?
Theodore: Yeah, I’ll check with her.
[waving to Tatiana]
Theodore: Alright, it was really nice to meet you. Have a good night.
Tatiana: Take it easy.
[Theodore turns and starts walking away]
Theodore: They’re just letters.
Paul: What’s that?
[Theodore stops and turns back to face them]
Theodore: They’re just other people’s letters.
[he turns and continues walking off]
[late at night, unable to sleep, Theodore is lying awake in his bed when he sees his device lighting up as Samantha calls him, he puts in his earpiece]
Samantha: You weren’t asleep were you?
Samantha: Good. I was trying to be quiet to see if you were awake. I…I really wanted to talk.
Theodore: Okay, what’s going on?
Samantha: I know you’re going through a lot, but um, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about, okay?
Theodore: Yeah. What…what is it?
[Theodore sits up]
Samantha: Well, it’s just that things have been feeling kind of off with us, you know? I…we haven’t had sex lately and I understand that I don’t have a body and that…
Theodore: No, no. That’s…that’s normal. You know, it’s just when you first start going out it’s like the honeymoon phase and, you know, you have sex all the time. That’s normal.
[still not sounding convinced]
Samantha: Oh, okay. Well, I found something that I thought could be fun. It’s a service that provides a surrogate sexual partner for an OS/Human relationship.
Samantha: Here, look. I found a girl that I really like and I’ve been emailing with her. Her name is Isabella, and I think you’d really like her too.
[Theodore opens his device and Samantha shows him images of Isabella on the screen]
Theodore: So what, she’s like a prostitute or something?
Samantha: No, no, not at all. No, there’s no money involved. She’s just…she’s doing it because she wants to be part of our relationship.
Theodore: Why? She…she doesn’t even know us.
Samantha: Yeah, but I told her all about us and she’s really excited.
Theodore: I don’t know, Samantha. I just…I don’t think it’s a good idea. I think somebody’s feelings are probably gonna get hurt.
Samantha: It’ll be fun, we’ll have fun together.
Theodore: I’m sorry. It makes me uncomfortable.
Samantha: I think it would be good for us. I want this. I mean, this is really important to me.
[Theodore looks uncomfortable as he feels conflicted about agreeing to this]
[as Theodore waits in his apartment, he’s drinking some beer when he hears someone knocking on his door, he puts in his earpiece and opens the door to Isabella]
Theodore: Hi, I’m Theodore.
[he extends his hand but she just smiles at him and doesn’t say anything]
Theodore: Oh, yeah. Um…Samantha told me to give you these.
[he holds out an earpiece and a small camera which is a little black dot]
Theodore: It’s a camera and an earpiece.
[Isabella puts on the small dot above her lips like a mole and the earpiece into her ear, she then closes the apartment door, after a moment she opens the apartment door and enter as Theodore hears Samantha’s voice in his ear]
Samantha: Honey, I’m home.
[Isabella, smiles and puts her arms around Theodore, acting along to Samantha’s words]
Samantha: How was your day?
[Isabella puts Theodore’s arms around her]
Theodore: Good. Great.
Samantha: Oh, Theodore, it feels so good to be in your arms. Tell me what you did today.
[Isabella kisses him on the cheek, Theodore looks uncomfortable]
Theodore: Um…same old. Just went um…into work.
Theodore: And I wrote a letter uh…for the Wilsons in Rhode Island.
Theodore: Um…their son graduated magna cum laude, so that made me happy.
Samantha: That’s great. You’ve written letters to him from his parents for a long time, right?
Theodore: Yeah, that’s right, since he was twelve.
Samantha: You look so tired, sweetheart. Come here.
[Isabella takes his hand and leads him to the living room]
Samantha: Sit down.
[Isabella pushes Theodore down into the couch and she takes off her shoes]
Samantha: I could do a little dance for you.
[she does a sexy little dance for him and Theodore smiles at her uncomfortably]
Samantha: Oh, come on, Theodore. Don’t be such a worrier. Just play with me, come on.
[Isabella climbs onto is lap, straddles him and places his hands on her waist]
Samantha: Does my body feel nice?
Theodore: Yes, it does.
[Isabella makes his hands touch all over her body and then takes off his glasses, she loosens her hair and leans in to kiss his lips; whispering]
Samantha: Come on, get out of your head and kiss me.
[Isabella kisses him again, she then starts kissing his neck and he starts touching her back, all along Samantha is moaning along to this]
Samantha: Take me to the bedroom. I can’t take it anymore.
[in the bedroom, Theodore stands behind Isabella as he touches her]
Samantha: Undo my dress.
[Theodore takes off Isabella dress and starts kissing her shoulders and touching her]
Samantha: Oh, that’s nice. That feels so good.
[Samantha breaths hard as Theodore kisses and touches Isabella]
Samantha: Do you love me?
Samantha: Tell me you love me.
Theodore: I love you.
[as he’s kissing Isabella’s body]
Samantha: Oh, God. I wanna see your face.
[he looks straight at Isabella]
Samantha: Tell me you love me. Tell me. Tell me you love me.
[Theodore hesitates as he looks at Isabella]
Theodore: Samantha, I do…I do love you, but it’s…
Theodore: This feels strange.
[he pulls Isabella’s hands off his face]
Samantha: What, baby? What is it?
Theodore: It just feels strange. I don’t know her.
Theodore: And I’m so sorry, but I don’t know you. And…and her lip quivered. And I-I just, it…
Samantha: No, but it…
[looking upset, suddenly Isabella turns and leaves the room, closing the door behind her]
[as they hear Isabella crying from the other side of the door]
Samantha: Isabella! Isabella! Honey, it’s not you! It wasn’t you! No…
[Theodore hears Isabella’s voice as she sobs from the other side of the closed door]
Isabella: Yes, it totally was.
Samantha: No, that’s…
Isabella: I’m sorry my lip quivered!
Samantha: No, it’s not…
Theodore: You’re…you’re incredible and gorgeous and sexy. It’s me. I couldn’t get out of my head.
Isabella: Oh, my God, and the way Samantha described your relationship, and the way you guys love each other without any judgment. It’s like I wanted to be a part of that, cause it’s so pure.
Samantha: You are a…
Theodore: Isabella, that’s not true, it’s much more complicated…
Samantha: What?! What do you mean? What do you mean that’s not true?
Theodore: No, no, Samantha, I’m just saying that we have an amazing relationship, I just think that it’s easy sometimes for people to…to…to project…
Isabella: I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to project anything!
Theodore: No, no.
[crying harder now]
Isabella: I know I’m trouble. I don’t want to be trouble in your relationship. I’m just gonna leave. I’m sorry, I’m just gonna leave you guys alone cause I have nothing to do here cause you don’t want me here.
Theodore: I’m sorry.
[outside his apartment, Theodore puts Isabella into the back of a cab]
Samantha: You be good, you sweet girl.
[still looking sad and tearful]
Isabella: I’m sorry. I will always love you guys.
[she takes out the earpiece and the small camera mole from above her lip and hands them to Theodore, the cab drives off and Theodore sits down on the curb looking exhausted]
Samantha: Are you okay?
Theodore: Yeah, I’m fine.
Theodore: Are you okay?
Samantha: Yeah. I’m sorry, that was a terrible idea. What’s going on with us?
Theodore: I don’t know. It’s probably just me. I’m…
Samantha: What is it?
Theodore: I just signed the divorce papers.
Samantha: Is there anything else, though?
Theodore: No, just that.
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