Horrible
Bosses
Quotes
(Page 2)
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Kurt Buckman: So I guess we're just gonna be miserable for the rest of our lives, huh? That's the deal?Nick Hendricks: Yep. That's where it's lookin'.
Dale Arbus: Well, why is that? Why are you saying that?
Kurt Buckman: Well, what do you mean? We don't have many options, do we? Think about it, we can quit our jobs and turn into Kenny. Or uh...keep our jobs and just become spineless losers that end up spending their entire day dreaming of ways to kill their bosses.
Nick Hendricks: You do that too?
Kurt Buckman: Of course!
Dale Arbus: Sounds a little sick.
Kurt Buckman: It's not sick. It's just a little way to blow off steam.
Nick Hendricks: It's not like we're gonna actually kill our bosses.
Kurt Buckman: Hypothetically, if we could do it and none of us get caught, would you guys do it?
Dale Arbus: No!
Kurt Buckman: I would.
Nick Hendricks: No, you wouldn't.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, I would.
Dale Arbus: You would?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah! It's not murder if it's justified. Justifiable homicide, that's the thing, right?
Nick Hendricks: Okay, and where did you here this?
Kurt Buckman: If one evil person has to die for the greater good, so be it. You know, Bobby Pellit is an absolute monster! Fucking jerk! You know if he has his way, he's gonna end up killing thousands of innocent Bolivians.
Dale Arbus: What?
Kurt Buckman: Technically, I think it's immoral for me not to kill him
Dale Arbus: I don't care how bad our bosses are, I mean, we're not murderers.
Kurt Buckman: Julia is ruining your life. You know? That's wrong.
That is wrong.
Kurt Buckman: You know, it's effecting you're...you're possible marriage.
Dale Arbus: Come on! She's not ruining it.
Kurt Buckman: Would your life be easier without Julia in it?
Dale Arbus: Okay, you're right! Uh...you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go to Julia's house, maybe I'll slash her up and I'll out her in a box and I'll mail it to you two uh...tough mafioso's! I'm done with this conversation.
[pointing to Nick]
Dale Arbus: And your paying for dinner, cause you've upset me. You're paying and I'm finding a cab, somehow.
[he gets up and leaves]
Kurt Buckman: I was just speaking hypothetically you know.
Nick Hendricks: Me too.
[as soon as Stacy becomes unconscious in the dental chair, Julia attacks Dale ]
Dale Arbus: What are you doing?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You're gonna give me that dong, Dale.
Dale Arbus: Dong?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You're gonna fuck my slutty little mouth.
Dale Arbus: You hear the words you say sometimes? I mean, who talks like that?
Dale Arbus: Damn you! That's it! Okay! You know what? That's crossing the line! So, I'm done, Julia! Fuck this! I'm out! I don't need this job. So, goodbye. I'm quitting. I'm done.
[referring to Stacy]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: I'm gonna tell her you fucked me.
Dale Arbus: What?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: If you don't fuck me, I'm gonna tell her that you fucked me.
Dale Arbus: Okay. Tell her whatever the hell you want. She's not gonna believe you.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: She already knows that you're a sex offender. And I think once she gets a look at these, she's gonna believe me.
[she holds up her iPad]
[shows him pictures of, him and her naked together whilst he was unconscious]
Dale Arbus: You did all this while I was unconscious?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Oooh. Mmhmm. Yep.
[she closes up on one of the pictures of them together in a really compromising position]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Haaa! Ah, that's my favorite!
Dale Arbus: Rape.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: What?
Dale Arbus: Rape. Rape. That's a rape! This is what raping is! You...you're a raper! You raped me! That's a rape! Rape!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Just relax there, Jodie Foster. You're dick wasn't even hard.
Dale Arbus: That does not give me any relief!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: But it will be next time. And if it is not?
[pointing to an unconscious Stacy in the dental chair]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: This little sweetheart right here, is gonna get a peek of my little photo album.
[Dale and Kurt are trying to convince Nick to seriously kill their bosses]
Kurt Buckman: Nick, come on! Seriously. I mean uh...what about your grandma? You know, Boobie?
Nick Hendricks: Gam-Gam.
Kurt Buckman: Whatever it is. She didn't get to say goodbye to her favorite grandson. Why? Because his dickbag of a boss wouldn't let him leave. Right? What would Gam-Gam want you to do?
Nick Hendricks: She wouldn't want me to kill him.
Kurt Buckman: Okay, forget about Gam-Gam. She's dead. You gotta accept that.
Dale Arbus: We gotta hire a professional.
Nick Hendricks: Are you talking about a hitman?
Dale Arbus: Yeah.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. That's a really good idea. Yeah! I mean, we don't clean up our apartments or cut our own hair. No, we pay someone to do that.
Nick Hendricks: Hey, uh...where are you two gonna find a hitman?
Dale Arbus: Why don't you guys leave that up to me. Okay? I got this whole thing figured out. I'll give you a call tomorrow and tell you where to meet me.
Kurt Buckman: Why don't you just tell us now?
Dale Arbus: Cause I don't have it figured out.
Kurt Buckman: Ah!
Dale Arbus: But I will
[meeting at a motel room]
Nick Hendricks: What are we doing here, hey?
Kurt Buckman: Well, I don't want an assassin in my apartment.
Dale Arbus: We don't want this guy knowing where we live, right? Use your head.
Nick Hendricks: Hang on a second, you guys already went ahead and found someone?
Dale Arbus: Oh!
Nick Hendricks: And he's coming here?
Dale Arbus: Big time!
Kurt Buckman: Not we! Dale.
Nick Hendricks: You found a hitman online?
Dale Arbus: Yeah!
[shows him what he's found on his laptop]
Dale Arbus: I mean they don't write hitman, right? Cause that's dumb. So, they use little code words, like 'wet work', right? 'Liquidation'. Check him out.
[reading the ad on the web site Dale's found]
Nick Hendricks: Skilled professional with years of experience in domestic and international wet work. Fast and discreet. No children or political figures.
Kurt Buckman: That last part was important to me. When I saw that I thought, okay, this is a good idea.
Dale Arbus: I still feel like we should have got a cheese plate or something for this guy. Just to make him feel...
[looking out the motel window to watch the hitman Dale's hired online]
Kurt Buckman: Oh! He looks like James Bond.
Dale Arbus: He really does, dude! I bet he carries one of those guns you screw together.
Kurt Buckman: Yes!
[referring to the hitman Dale's found online and is now approaching their motel room]
Nick Hendricks: This is so dangerous! What if...what if that is an undercover cop?
Kurt Buckman: Oh, come on!
Nick Hendricks: Or better than that. What if he's the real thing and charges so much money we can't afford it, he gets pissed off, kills us?
Dale Arbus: He's not gonna kill us!
Kurt Buckman: You what?
Dale Arbus: Hold on!
Kurt Buckman: That's the thing.
Dale Arbus: Could that happen?
[they hear a knock on their motel room door]
Nick Hendricks: Better let him now.
Kurt Buckman: Okay. How's my hair?
Nick Hendricks: What do you mean, how's your hair?
Kurt Buckman: Doesn't matter. Okay. Let's do this.
Wetwork Man: Are all three of you participating in this?
Kurt Buckman: Mmhmm.
Dale Arbus: Yes.
Nick Hendricks: Well, uh...
Kurt Buckman: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yep! Yep!
Dale Arbus: Yes.
Wetwork Man: Very well. Now, before we go any further, I need to know if there are any hidden recording devices in the room. I will find out if there are.
Kurt Buckman: You know, we...
Dale Arbus: I'm sure you would, but there's none.
Kurt Buckman: We would never...
Dale Arbus: Because that would be stupid of us. And we're not stupid.
Kurt Buckman: Silly move.
Nick Hendricks: That's a no.
Wetwork Man: Then let's get started.
[referring to the large plastic sheet Wetwork man has just layed on the floor]
Kurt Buckman: What's this for?
Wetwork Man: For the mess.
Kurt Buckman: What?
Wetwork Man: Wouldn't want to leave a stain now, would we?
Nick Hendricks: Oh, my God! I knew it!
Dale Arbus: Who's first?
Kurt Buckman: No! No! No!
Dale Arbus: Who's first? No! We don't
Kurt Buckman: We don't want you to kill us!
Dale Arbus: We want you to kill another person.
Wetwork Man: What are you talking about?
Dale Arbus: Your...your ad said you do wet work.
Wetwork Man: That's correct. I urinate on other men for money.
Kurt Buckman: What was that?
Nick Hendricks: What did he say?
Dale Arbus: I think he said he pisses on dudes!
Wetwork Man: Why else do you think my ad was
in the men seeking men section?Nick Hendricks: Where was that?
[turning to Dale]
Kurt Buckman: You fucking idiot!
Nick Hendricks: Could you be dumber!
Kurt Buckman: Why were you looking in the men seeking men...?
Dale Arbus: We..are...men..looking... for...a...man!
Nick Hendricks: How do people let you work on their teeth?
Dale Arbus: They don't actually. I just hand the tools to Julia.
Wetwork Man: I've driven all this way and nobody wants to get pissed on.
Dale Arbus: Uh-oh! Well, it's not our thing.
Kurt Buckman: Sorry about that.
Wetwork Man: Can I use your toilet? I stored up a rather large amount of pee for this
Kurt Buckman: Sure. Yeah. It's right through there.
[referring to Wetwork Man peeing in their toilet]
Nick Hendricks: You know what's going on in there?
Dale Arbus: Yeah. Let' just...
Nick Hendricks: That was almost all over us!
[as Kurt is driving them]
Dale Arbus: It was an honest mistake!
Kurt Buckman: It's not how you find a killer.
Dale Arbus: Oh, you know how to find a killer?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah! I bet I do. Yeah, you know what? I got an idea.
[he touches a button to contact on his navigation system]
Dale Arbus: What are you doing?
Nick Hendricks: What are you doing?
[a voice with an Indian accent comes through the navigation system]
Atmanand: Good evening, Mr. Buckman. Thank you for contacting Nav Guide. My name is Gregory. How may I be of service this evening?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, Gregory, me and my buddies are looking for the most dangerous bar in this city. Can you help us out please?
[speaking to the Nav Guide]
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, we're looking for a bar filled with you know, criminals, low-life thugs, hard-core shit heads. What have you got for us?
Nick Hendricks: We're going to a restaurant right now.
Atmanand: I'm afraid our listings are not organized by danger, sir. I do see there's an Applebees three blocks from your current location.
Nick Hendricks: Perfect.
Kurt Buckman: No, not really helpful. They're not exactly the kind of shit heads we need. Anything else?
Atmanand: Well, I could direct you to a neighborhood with a greatest number of carjackings.
Kurt Buckman: Now we're thinking outside the box.
[as Kurt is driving them to a dangerous area of town to find their killer]
Nick Hendricks: This is worse than getting pissed on!
Kurt Buckman: No. Shh-shh!
Nick Hendricks: I'd rather be pissed on!
Kurt Buckman: Jesus!
Dale Arbus: You weren't kidding, Gregory this is uh...this is a bad part of town.
Nick Hendricks: Gregory can you stay on the line? You still there, right?
Atmanand: I'm still here, sir.
Nick Hendricks: Just keep uh...keep us on the line.
[to the Nav Guide]
Dale Arbus: I'm always curious about these things, but is your real name Gregory?
Atmanand: Uh....no, sir. My real name is Atmanand.
Kurt Buckman: How do you get Gregory from that?
Atmanand: Oh, Gregory was assigned to me by Nav Guide.
Nick Hendricks: Why don't they let you use your real name?
Atmanand: They say many Americans find out real names hard to pronounce.
Kurt Buckman: Hey, you know what? I'm not gonna play by the rules anymore. From now on I'm gonna call you Amanand.
Nick Hendricks: At-manand.
Dale Arbus: What is it?
Kurt Buckman: Emanand.
Nick Hendricks: Atmanand.
Atmanand: Atmanand.
Dale Arbus: Aminand.
Dale Arbus: I'm gonna call you Gregory, cause that name's a fucking nightmare, buddy.
[as they enter the dangerous looking bar]
Nick Hendricks: This is really a bad idea.
Kurt Buckman: No, this is a great idea!
Nick Hendricks: You just gonna yell out 'anybody here kill people for money'?
Kurt Buckman: No!
Dale Arbus: That's a terrible plan.
Kurt Buckman: Hey, uh...does anyone here kill people for money?
Nick Hendricks: Kurt!
Bartender (Dive Bar): What the fuck you just say?
Kurt Buckman: Oh, no! It's not a race thing. Uh...I believe that society discriminates and disenfranchises you folks.
Bartender (Dive Bar): You folks?
Nick Hendricks: Subtle!
Bartender (Dive Bar): Man, I'm a small business owner. Won't have you call me disenfranchise.
Kurt Buckman: Well, not you in particular. I guess that...
Bartender (Dive Bar): Oh, right! You mean all black people?
Kurt Buckman: Yes.
Dale Arbus: No!
Nick Hendricks: I'm gonna be in the car.
[the bar tender picks up a baseball bat]
Dale Arbus: Woh! A baseball bat.
Kurt Buckman: Uh...I didn't mean to offend you. I'm...I'm sorry if that's what happened here, okay? If you knew me better, you'd know my heart was in the right place.
Bartender (Dive Bar): In about five seconds your heart gonna be in the wrong place.
Nick Hendricks: Are you a business man?
Dean 'MF' Jones: Yeah. Motherfucker Jones.
[Nick goes to shake his hand]
Nick Hendricks: How's that?
Dean 'MF' Jones: Motherfucker Jones.
Dale Arbus: Your first name is Motherfucker?!
Dean 'MF' Jones: Last name Jones. You got a problem with that?
Dale Arbus: No! No! Cool name. Yeah. Is that like on your birth certificate?
[Kurt elbows Dale to stop asking questions]
Dean 'MF' Jones: No, goofball. My real name is Dean.
Nick Hendricks: Dean Jones. That's the same name of the actor in Herbie The Love Bug.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, he's not gonna know who that is.
Dean 'MF' Jones: I know who he is, bitch!
Kurt Buckman: Sorry.
Dean 'MF' Jones: I can't walk around this fuckin' neighborhood with that Disney-assed name!
Nick Hendricks: How did you get the nickname Motherfucker?
Dean 'MF' Jones: When I was a kid I snuck into my mother's bedroom.
Dale Arbus: Uh-oh!
Dean 'MF' Jones: She was laying there, naked.
Kurt Buckman: Dean.
Dean 'MF' Jones: She'd been drinking all night.
Nick Hendricks: We get it.
Dale Arbus: Yuk!
Dean 'MF' Jones: And I snuck up behind her.
Nick Hendricks: Aah!
Dean 'MF' Jones: And I slipped my fingers...into her purse.
Kurt Buckman: Purse. He said purse.
Dean 'MF' Jones: And I took her money. The whole weeks pay. I really fucked her over and that's how I got the name, Motherfucker Jones.
Kurt Buckman: You know, they should call you Motherfucker Over-Jones, to avoid confusion. Right?
Dean 'MF' Jones: What's the confusion?
Dale Arbus: There's no confusion.
Nick Hendricks: Sir, we each have a boss...uh, that you know? There's three bosses that would be best if those bosses, maybe were no longer....
Kurt Buckman: ...no longer around, anymore.
Nick Hendricks: You know?
Dale Arbus: We...want...them...killed!
Dean 'MF' Jones: Got the cheese?
Kurt Buckman: We got the cheese. What kind of cheese are you thinkin'?
Dean 'MF' Jones: What, is it three hits?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah.
[he pauses to calculate the cost in his head]
Dean 'MF' Jones: Thirty large.
Kurt Buckman: Woh!
Nick Hendricks: Hungry!
Dale Arbus: Here's an idea, if you killed two could we get the third one to hold the cheese?
Dean 'MF' Jones: It's no negotiations. Thirty large, or nothing.
Nick Hendricks: Well, it's...it's more cheese than we've got.
Dean 'MF' Jones: Okay, then. It's five large now!
Kurt Buckman: Then...we are in. We're in.
Nick Hendricks: It would be awful if it was traceable back to us.
Dean 'MF' Jones: I don't even know your names!
Nick Hendricks: That's true.
Kurt Buckman: This is true. This is Dale. This is...
Dale Arbus: Don't say my name!
Nick Hendricks: Shut up!
Dean 'MF' Jones: Listen, bring the money here tomorrow, I'll take care of the rest.
Kurt Buckman: You wanted something specific? Like a shoe box, duffel bag, something like that?
Dean 'MF' Jones: Just be here with the fucking money.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah.
Dean 'MF' Jones: Put it in a briefcase.
Nick Hendricks: Thanks for your time. Here we go.
[Jones walks away from them]
Dale Arbus: Is the briefcase coming out of your end?
Nick Hendricks: What is your projected outside date of completion, Motherfucker?
Dean 'MF' Jones: I just come back from doing a dime. Some really nasty shit.
[Kurt whispers to Nick and Dale]
Kurt Buckman: That's ten years.
Dale Arbus: I know what it is.
Dean 'MF' Jones: They're looking at me, I'm on probation. And if I set out of line, I'm going back.
Dale Arbus: Alright.
Nick Hendricks: Understood.
Kurt Buckman: I thought you said, you were gonna take care of this?
Dean 'MF' Jones: Yeah, I'll take care of it.
[he indicates for them to lean closer]
Dean 'MF' Jones: I'm going to be your murder consultant.
Dale Arbus: I'm sorry, but uh...no, man! Alright? That's not cool.
Dean 'MF' Jones: Will you shut this fuckin' hamster up?
Dale Arbus: I'm a hamster now? Come on!
Kurt Buckman: Easy! Easy! Easy!
Dale Arbus: Shush! It's upsetting.
Kurt Buckman: It's...it's....it's somewhat accurate.
Kurt Buckman: Look, that's now what we talked about, Motherfucker. Alright, so, how about we just take the money and we get out of here?
Dean 'MF' Jones: How about you go fuck yourself? No refunds.
Nick Hendricks: That's five thousand dollars. If you think we're just gonna walk out of here and let you keep that...
[Jones put his hand in his jacket pocket and moves as if to threaten to shoot them]
Dale Arbus: Listen, Motherfucker, please? Don't shoot us. Let's just talk it out.
Dean 'MF' Jones: Listen, five thousand is mine. I don't care what you say. Now, you can take my advice or you can get the fuck out of here.
Dale Arbus: That's a terrible deal!
Kurt Buckman: We should listen to him, okay?
Dean 'MF' Jones: Most killers are first timers. You wanna pull off a brilliant murder, you gotta act like it's an accident. Failed breaks. Gas leaks. Suicide. Okay, if you do it right, you ain't even gotta be there when it goes down.
Nick Hendricks: Oh, boy! That's...that's five...that's five grand and we're done?
Kurt Buckman: You got that straight.
Dale Arbus: That's kind of obvious. Kind of obvious information, isn't it?
Nick Hendricks: Sounds like Scooby-Doo! How are we supposed to fake three accidents?
Dean 'MF' Jones: You stalk your pray. You gotta be smart. Find out where they live. Find out their habits. What's their hobbies, what they like. What type of food they like. Find out who they're fucking.
Dean 'MF' Jones: Even if you pulled it off perfectly, if you crackheads got motives, the poh-poh...
[Kurt whispers to Dale and Nick]
Kurt Buckman: That means police.
Dean 'MF' Jones: ...will still penny to you.
Nick Hendricks: We all have clear motives for killing our bosses. So this is not gonna work. This is garbage!
[Jones thinks for a moment]
Dean 'MF' Jones: I got it. Why don't you kill each others bosses?
Kurt Buckman: That's actually a good idea.
Nick Hendricks: Not bad.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. Yeah. Like Hitchcock's 'Strangers on a Train', right?
Nick Hendricks: I haven't seen that. Did they...
Dale Arbus: The Danny DeVito movie. It's funny.
Kurt Buckman: [sarcastically] Yeah. Yeah. That famous Alfred Hitchcock, Danny DeVito movie. That's the one he's...
[he slaps Dale on the head]
Kurt Buckman: Come on!
Dale Arbus: What?
Kurt Buckman: Come on! You're thinking of Throw Momma from the Train.
Dale Arbus: That's what it is.
[to the others as they enter Bobby Pellit's home]
Kurt Buckman: Look at this place? It's awful! It's like a douchebag museum. It's like we stepped inside the mind of an asshole.
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Total
Quotes: 110
