I guess we're just gonna be miserable for the rest of our lives, huh?
That's the deal? Nick Hendricks: Yep.
That's where it's lookin'. Dale Arbus: Well,
why is that? Why are you saying that? Kurt Buckman: Well,
what do you mean? We don't have many options, do we? Think about it, we
can quit our jobs and turn into Kenny. Or uh...keep our jobs and just
become spineless losers that end up spending their entire day dreaming
of ways to kill their bosses. Nick Hendricks: You
do that too? Kurt Buckman: Of
course! Dale Arbus: Sounds
a little sick. Kurt Buckman: It's
not sick. It's just a little way to blow off steam. Nick Hendricks: It's
not like we're gonna actually kill our bosses.
Kurt Buckman: Hypothetically,
if we could do it and none of us get caught, would you guys do it? Dale Arbus: No! Kurt Buckman: I
would. Nick Hendricks: No,
you wouldn't. Kurt Buckman: Yeah,
I would. Dale Arbus: You
would? Kurt Buckman: Yeah!
It's not murder if it's justified. Justifiable homicide, that's the
thing, right? Nick Hendricks: Okay,
and where did you here this? Kurt Buckman: If
one evil person has to die for the greater good, so be it. You know,
Bobby Pellit is an absolute monster! Fucking jerk! You know if he has
his way, he's gonna end up killing thousands of innocent Bolivians. Dale Arbus: What? Kurt Buckman: Technically,
I think it's immoral for me not to kill him
Dale Arbus: I
don't care how bad our bosses are, I mean, we're not murderers. Kurt Buckman: Julia
is ruining your life. You know? That's wrong.
That is wrong. Kurt Buckman: You
know, it's effecting you're...you're possible marriage. Dale Arbus: Come
on! She's not ruining it. Kurt Buckman:
Would your life be easier without Julia in it? Dale Arbus:
Okay, you're right! Uh...you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go to
Julia's house, maybe I'll slash her up and I'll out her in a box and
I'll mail it to you two uh...tough mafioso's! I'm done with this
conversation. [pointing to Nick] Dale Arbus: And
your paying for dinner, cause you've upset me. You're paying and I'm
finding a cab, somehow. [he gets up and leaves] Kurt Buckman: I
was just speaking hypothetically you know. Nick Hendricks: Me
[as soon as Stacy
becomes unconscious in the dental chair, Julia attacks Dale ] Dale Arbus: What
are you doing? Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
You're gonna give me that dong, Dale. Dale Arbus: Dong? Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
You're gonna fuck my slutty little mouth. Dale Arbus: You
hear the words you say sometimes? I mean, who talks like that?
Dale Arbus: Damn
you! That's it! Okay! You know what? That's crossing the line! So, I'm
done, Julia! Fuck this! I'm out! I don't need this job. So, goodbye.
I'm quitting. I'm done. [referring to Stacy] Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
I'm gonna tell her you fucked me. Dale Arbus: What? Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
If you don't fuck me, I'm gonna tell her that you fucked
me. Dale Arbus: Okay.
Tell her whatever the hell you want. She's not gonna believe you. Dr. Julia Harris,
D.D.S.: She already knows that you're a sex
offender. And I think once she gets a look at these, she's gonna
believe me. [she holds up her iPad]
pictures of, him and her naked together whilst he was
unconscious] Dale Arbus:
You did all this while I was unconscious? Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
Mmhmm. Yep. [she closes up on one of
the pictures of them together in a really compromising position] Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
Haaa! Ah, that's my favorite! Dale Arbus:
Rape. Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
What? Dale Arbus: Rape.
Rape. That's a rape! This is what raping is! You...you're a raper! You
raped me! That's a rape! Rape! Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
relax there, Jodie Foster. You're dick wasn't even hard. Dale Arbus:
That does not give me any relief! Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
But it will be next time. And if it is not? [pointing to an
unconscious Stacy in the dental chair] Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
This little sweetheart right here, is gonna get a peek of
my little photo album.
[Dale and Kurt are
trying to convince Nick to seriously kill their bosses] Kurt Buckman: Nick,
come on! Seriously. I mean uh...what about your grandma? You know,
Boobie? Nick Hendricks: Gam-Gam.
Kurt Buckman: Whatever
it is. She didn't get to say goodbye to her favorite grandson. Why?
Because his dickbag of a boss wouldn't let him leave. Right?
What would Gam-Gam want you to do? Nick Hendricks: She
wouldn't want me to kill him. Kurt Buckman: Okay,
forget about Gam-Gam. She's dead. You gotta accept that.
Dale Arbus: We
gotta hire a professional. Nick Hendricks: Are
you talking about a hitman? Dale Arbus: Yeah. Kurt Buckman: Yeah.
That's a really good idea. Yeah! I mean, we don't clean up our
apartments or cut our own hair. No, we pay someone to do that. Nick Hendricks: Hey,
uh...where are you two gonna find a hitman? Dale Arbus: Why
don't you guys leave that up to me. Okay? I got this whole thing
figured out. I'll give you a call tomorrow and tell you where to meet
me. Kurt Buckman: Why
don't you just tell us now? Dale Arbus: Cause
I don't have it figured out. Kurt Buckman: Ah! Dale Arbus: But
[meeting at a motel room] Nick Hendricks: What
are we doing here, hey? Kurt Buckman:
Well, I don't want an assassin in my apartment. Dale Arbus: We
don't want this guy knowing where we live, right? Use your head. Nick Hendricks: Hang
on a second, you guys already went ahead and found someone? Dale Arbus: Oh! Nick Hendricks: And
he's coming here? Dale Arbus: Big
time! Kurt Buckman: Not
Nick Hendricks: You
found a hitman online? Dale Arbus: Yeah! [shows him what he's
found on his laptop] Dale Arbus: I
mean they don't write hitman, right? Cause that's dumb. So, they use
little code words, like 'wet work', right? 'Liquidation'. Check him out. [reading the ad on
the web site Dale's found] Nick Hendricks: Skilled
professional with years of experience in domestic and international wet
work. Fast and discreet. No children or political figures. Kurt Buckman: That
last part was important to me. When I saw that I thought, okay, this is
a good idea. Dale Arbus: I
still feel like we should have got a cheese plate or something for this
guy. Just to make him feel...
[looking out the motel
window to watch the hitman Dale's hired online] Kurt Buckman: Oh!
He looks like James Bond. Dale Arbus: He
really does, dude! I bet he carries one of those guns you screw
together. Kurt Buckman: Yes!
[referring to the hitman
Dale's found online and is now approaching their motel room] Nick Hendricks: This
is so dangerous! What if...what if that is an undercover cop? Kurt Buckman: Oh,
come on! Nick Hendricks: Or
better than that. What if he's the real thing and charges so much money
we can't afford it, he gets pissed off, kills us? Dale Arbus: He's
not gonna kill us! Kurt Buckman: You
what? Dale Arbus: Hold
on! Kurt Buckman: That's
the thing. Dale Arbus: Could
that happen? [they hear a knock on
their motel room door] Nick Hendricks: Better
let him now. Kurt Buckman: Okay.
How's my hair? Nick Hendricks: What
do you mean, how's your hair? Kurt Buckman: Doesn't
matter. Okay. Let's do this.
Are all three of you participating in this? Kurt Buckman: Mmhmm. Dale Arbus: Yes. Nick Hendricks: Well,
uh... Kurt Buckman: Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yep! Yep! Dale Arbus: Yes. Wetwork Man: Very
well. Now, before we go any further, I need to know if there are any
hidden recording devices in the room. I will find out if there are. Kurt Buckman: You
know, we... Dale Arbus: I'm
sure you would, but there's none. Kurt Buckman: We
would never... Dale Arbus: Because
that would be stupid of us. And we're not stupid. Kurt Buckman: Silly
move. Nick Hendricks: That's
a no. Wetwork Man: Then
let's get started.
the large plastic sheet Wetwork man has just layed on the
floor] Kurt Buckman:
What's this for? Wetwork Man: For
the mess. Kurt Buckman: What? Wetwork Man:
Wouldn't want to leave a stain now, would we? Nick Hendricks: Oh,
my God! I knew it! Dale Arbus: Who's
first? Kurt Buckman: No!
No! No! Dale Arbus: Who's
first? No! We don't Kurt Buckman: We
don't want you to kill us! Dale Arbus: We
want you to kill another person.
Wetwork Man: What
are you talking about? Dale Arbus:
Your...your ad said you do wet work. Wetwork Man:
That's correct. I urinate on other men for money. Kurt Buckman: What
was that? Nick Hendricks: What
did he say? Dale Arbus: I
think he said he pisses on dudes! Wetwork Man: Why
else do you think my ad was
in the men seeking men section? Nick Hendricks: Where
was that? [turning to Dale] Kurt Buckman:
You fucking idiot! Nick Hendricks: Could
you be dumber! Kurt Buckman:
Why were you looking in the men seeking men...? Dale Arbus:
We..are...men..looking... for...a...man! Nick Hendricks: How
do people let you work on their teeth? Dale Arbus: They
don't actually. I just hand the tools to Julia.
Wetwork Man: I've
driven all this way and nobody wants to get pissed on. Dale Arbus: Uh-oh!
Well, it's not our thing. Kurt Buckman: Sorry
about that. Wetwork Man: Can
I use your toilet? I stored up a rather large amount of pee for this Kurt Buckman: Sure.
Yeah. It's right through there.
[referring to Wetwork
Man peeing in their toilet] Nick Hendricks: You
know what's going on in there? Dale Arbus: Yeah.
Let' just... Nick Hendricks: That
was almost all over us!
[as Kurt is driving them] Dale Arbus: It
was an honest mistake! Kurt Buckman: It's
not how you find a killer. Dale Arbus: Oh,
you know how to find a killer? Kurt Buckman: Yeah!
I bet I do. Yeah, you know what? I got an idea. [he touches a button to
contact on his navigation system] Dale Arbus: What
are you doing? Nick Hendricks: What
are you doing? [a voice with an Indian
accent comes through the navigation system] Atmanand:
Good evening, Mr. Buckman. Thank you for contacting Nav Guide. My name
Gregory. How may I be of service this evening? Kurt Buckman: Yeah,
Gregory, me and my buddies are looking for the most dangerous bar in
this city. Can you help us out please?
[speaking to the Nav
Guide] Kurt Buckman: Yeah,
we're looking for a bar filled with you know, criminals, low-life
thugs, hard-core shit heads. What have you got for us? Nick Hendricks: We're
going to a restaurant right now. Atmanand: I'm
afraid our listings are not organized by danger, sir. I do see there's
an Applebees three blocks from your current location. Nick Hendricks: Perfect. Kurt Buckman: No,
not really helpful. They're not exactly the kind of shit heads we need.
Anything else? Atmanand: Well,
I could direct you to a neighborhood with a greatest number of
carjackings. Kurt Buckman: Now
we're thinking outside the box.
[as Kurt is driving them
to a dangerous area of town to find their killer] Nick Hendricks:
This is worse than getting pissed on! Kurt Buckman:
No. Shh-shh! Nick Hendricks: I'd
rather be pissed on! Kurt Buckman: Jesus! Dale Arbus:
You weren't kidding, Gregory this is uh...this is a bad part of town. Nick Hendricks:
Gregory can you stay on the line? You still there, right? Atmanand:
I'm still here, sir. Nick Hendricks:
Just keep uh...keep us on the line.
[to the Nav Guide] Dale Arbus: I'm
always curious about these things, but is your real name Gregory? Atmanand: Uh....no,
sir. My real name is Atmanand. Kurt Buckman:
How do you get Gregory from that? Atmanand:
Oh, Gregory was assigned to me by Nav Guide. Nick Hendricks: Why
don't they let you use your real name? Atmanand: They
say many Americans find out real names hard to pronounce. Kurt Buckman: Hey,
you know what? I'm not gonna play by the rules anymore. From now on I'm
gonna call you Amanand. Nick Hendricks: At-manand. Dale Arbus: What
is it? Kurt Buckman: Emanand. Nick Hendricks: Atmanand. Atmanand: Atmanand. Dale Arbus: Aminand. Dale Arbus: I'm
gonna call you Gregory, cause that name's a fucking nightmare, buddy.
[as they enter the
dangerous looking bar] Nick Hendricks: This
is really a bad idea. Kurt Buckman: No,
this is a great idea! Nick Hendricks: You
just gonna yell out 'anybody here kill people for money'? Kurt Buckman: No! Dale Arbus: That's
a terrible plan.
Kurt Buckman: Hey,
uh...does anyone here kill people for money? Nick Hendricks: Kurt! Bartender (Dive Bar):
What the fuck you just say? Kurt Buckman: Oh,
no! It's not a race thing. Uh...I believe that society discriminates
disenfranchises you folks. Bartender (Dive Bar): You
folks? Nick Hendricks: Subtle! Bartender (Dive Bar): Man,
I'm a small business owner. Won't have you call me
disenfranchise. Kurt Buckman: Well,
not you in particular. I guess that... Bartender (Dive Bar): Oh,
right! You mean all black people? Kurt Buckman: Yes. Dale Arbus: No! Nick Hendricks: I'm
gonna be in the car. [the bar tender picks up
a baseball bat] Dale Arbus: Woh!
A baseball bat. Kurt Buckman: Uh...I
didn't mean to offend you. I'm...I'm sorry if that's what happened
here, okay? If you knew me better, you'd know my heart was in the right
place. Bartender (Dive Bar): In
about five seconds your heart gonna be in the wrong place.
Are you a business man? Dean 'MF' Jones:
Yeah. Motherfucker Jones. [Nick goes to shake his
hand] Nick Hendricks: How's
that? Dean 'MF' Jones: Motherfucker
Jones. Dale Arbus:
Your first name is Motherfucker?! Dean 'MF' Jones:
Last name Jones. You got a problem with that? Dale Arbus: No!
No! Cool name. Yeah. Is that like on your birth certificate? [Kurt elbows Dale to
stop asking questions] Dean 'MF' Jones: No,
real name is Dean. Nick Hendricks:
Dean Jones. That's the same name of the actor in Herbie The Love Bug. Kurt Buckman:
Yeah, he's not gonna know who that is. Dean 'MF' Jones:
I know who he is, bitch! Kurt Buckman: Sorry. Dean 'MF' Jones: I
can't walk around this fuckin' neighborhood
with that Disney-assed name!
Nick Hendricks: How
did you get the nickname Motherfucker? Dean 'MF' Jones: When
I was a kid I snuck into my mother's bedroom. Dale Arbus: Uh-oh! Dean 'MF' Jones: She
was laying there, naked. Kurt Buckman: Dean. Dean 'MF' Jones: She'd
been drinking all night. Nick Hendricks: We
get it. Dale Arbus: Yuk! Dean 'MF' Jones: And
I snuck up behind her. Nick Hendricks: Aah!
Dean 'MF' Jones: And
I slipped my fingers...into her purse. Kurt Buckman: Purse.
He said purse. Dean 'MF' Jones: And
I took her money. The whole weeks pay. I really fucked her over and
that's how I got the name, Motherfucker Jones. Kurt Buckman: You
know, they should call you Motherfucker Over-Jones, to avoid confusion.
Right? Dean 'MF' Jones: What's
the confusion? Dale Arbus: There's
Nick Hendricks: Sir,
we each have a boss...uh, that you know? There's three bosses that
would be best if those bosses, maybe were no longer.... Kurt Buckman: ...no
longer around, anymore. Nick Hendricks: You
know? Dale Arbus: We...want...them...killed! Dean 'MF' Jones: Got
the cheese? Kurt Buckman: We
got the cheese. What kind of cheese are you thinkin'? Dean 'MF' Jones: What,
is it three hits? Kurt Buckman: Yeah. [he pauses to calculate
the cost in his head] Dean 'MF' Jones: Thirty
large. Kurt Buckman: Woh! Nick Hendricks: Hungry!
Here's an idea, if you killed two could we get the third one to hold
the cheese? Dean 'MF' Jones: It's
no negotiations. Thirty large, or nothing. Nick Hendricks: Well,
it's...it's more cheese than we've got. Dean 'MF' Jones: Okay,
then. It's five large now! Kurt Buckman: Then...we
are in. We're in.
Nick Hendricks: It
would be awful if it was traceable back to us. Dean 'MF' Jones: I
don't even know your names! Nick Hendricks: That's
true. Kurt Buckman: This
is true. This is Dale. This is... Dale Arbus: Don't
say my name! Nick Hendricks: Shut
Dean 'MF' Jones: Listen,
bring the money here tomorrow, I'll take care of the rest. Kurt Buckman: You
wanted something specific? Like a shoe box, duffel bag, something like
that? Dean 'MF' Jones: Just
be here with the fucking money. Kurt Buckman: Yeah.
Dean 'MF' Jones: Put
it in a briefcase. Nick Hendricks: Thanks
for your time. Here we go. [Jones walks away from
them] Dale Arbus: Is
the briefcase coming out of your end?
Nick Hendricks: What
is your projected outside date of completion, Motherfucker? Dean 'MF' Jones: I
just come back from doing a dime. Some really nasty shit. [Kurt whispers to Nick
and Dale] Kurt Buckman: That's
ten years. Dale Arbus: I
know what it is. Dean 'MF' Jones: They're
looking at me, I'm on probation. And if I set out of line, I'm going
back. Dale Arbus: Alright. Nick Hendricks: Understood.
Kurt Buckman: I
thought you said, you were gonna take care of this? Dean 'MF' Jones: Yeah,
I'll take care of it. [he indicates for them
to lean closer] Dean 'MF' Jones: I'm
going to be your murder consultant. Dale Arbus: I'm
sorry, but uh...no, man! Alright? That's not cool. Dean 'MF' Jones: Will
you shut this fuckin' hamster up? Dale Arbus: I'm
a hamster now? Come on! Kurt Buckman: Easy!
Easy! Easy! Dale Arbus: Shush!
It's upsetting. Kurt Buckman: It's...it's....it's
Kurt Buckman: Look,
that's now what we talked about, Motherfucker. Alright, so, how about
we just take the money and we get out of here? Dean 'MF' Jones: How
about you go fuck yourself? No refunds. Nick Hendricks: That's
five thousand dollars. If you think we're just gonna walk out of here
and let you keep that... [Jones put his hand in
his jacket pocket and moves as if to threaten to shoot them]
Dale Arbus: Listen,
Motherfucker, please? Don't shoot us. Let's just talk it out. Dean 'MF' Jones: Listen,
five thousand is mine. I don't care what you say. Now, you can take my
advice or you can get the fuck out of here. Dale Arbus: That's
a terrible deal! Kurt Buckman: We
should listen to him, okay?
killers are first timers. You wanna pull off a brilliant murder, you
gotta act like it's an accident. Failed breaks. Gas leaks. Suicide.
Okay, if you do it right, you ain't even gotta be there when it goes
down. Nick Hendricks: Oh,
boy! That's...that's five...that's five grand and we're done? Kurt Buckman: You
got that straight. Dale Arbus: That's
kind of obvious. Kind of obvious information, isn't it? Nick Hendricks: Sounds
like Scooby-Doo! How are we supposed to fake three accidents? Dean 'MF' Jones: You
stalk your pray. You gotta be smart. Find out where they live. Find out
their habits. What's their hobbies, what they like. What type of food
they like. Find out who they're fucking.
Dean 'MF' Jones: Even
if you pulled it off perfectly, if you crackheads got motives, the
poh-poh... [Kurt whispers to Dale
and Nick] Kurt Buckman: That
means police. Dean 'MF' Jones: ...will
still penny to you. Nick Hendricks: We
all have clear motives for killing our bosses. So this is not gonna
work. This is garbage!
[Jones thinks for a
moment] Dean 'MF' Jones: I
got it. Why don't you kill each others bosses? Kurt Buckman: That's
actually a good idea. Nick Hendricks: Not
bad. Kurt Buckman: Yeah.
Yeah. Like Hitchcock's 'Strangers on a Train', right? Nick Hendricks: I
haven't seen that. Did they... Dale Arbus: The
Danny DeVito movie. It's funny. Kurt Buckman: [sarcastically]
Yeah. Yeah. That famous Alfred Hitchcock, Danny DeVito movie. That's
the one he's... [he slaps Dale on the
head] Kurt Buckman: Come
on! Dale Arbus: What? Kurt Buckman: Come
on! You're thinking of Throw Momma from the Train. Dale Arbus: That's
what it is.
[to the others as they
enter Bobby Pellit's home] Kurt Buckman: Look
at this place? It's awful! It's like a douchebag museum. It's like we
stepped inside the mind of an asshole.