Horrible Bosses Quotes(Page 2)
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[speaking to the Nav Guide]
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, we’re looking for a bar filled with you know, criminals, low-life thugs, hard-core shit heads. What have you got for us?
Nick Hendricks: We’re going to a restaurant right now.
Atmanand: I’m afraid our listings are not organized by danger, sir. I do see there’s an Applebee’s three blocks from your current location.
Nick Hendricks: Perfect.
Kurt Buckman: No, not really helpful. They’re not exactly the kind of shit heads we need. Anything else?
Atmanand: Well, I could direct you to a neighborhood with a greatest number of carjackings.
Kurt Buckman: Now we’re thinking outside the box.
[as Kurt is driving them to a dangerous area of town to find their killer]
Nick Hendricks: This is worse than getting pissed on!
Kurt Buckman: No. Shh-shh!
Nick Hendricks: I’d rather be pissed on!
Kurt Buckman: Jesus!
Dale Arbus: You weren’t kidding, Gregory this is uh…this is a bad part of town.
Nick Hendricks: Gregory can you stay on the line? You still there, right?
Atmanand: I’m still here, sir.
Nick Hendricks: Just keep uh…keep us on the line.
[to the Nav Guide]
Dale Arbus: I’m always curious about these things, but is your real name Gregory?
Atmanand: Uh….no, sir. My real name is Atmanand.
Kurt Buckman: How do you get Gregory from that?
Atmanand: Oh, Gregory was assigned to me by Nav Guide.
Nick Hendricks: Why don’t they let you use your real name?
Atmanand: They say many Americans find out real names hard to pronounce.
Kurt Buckman: Hey, you know what? I’m not gonna play by the rules anymore. From now on I’m gonna call you Amanand.
Nick Hendricks: At-manand.
Dale Arbus: What is it?
Kurt Buckman: Emanand.
Nick Hendricks: Atmanand.
Dale Arbus: Aminand.
Dale Arbus: I’m gonna call you Gregory, cause that name’s a fucking nightmare, buddy.
[as they enter the dangerous looking bar]
Nick Hendricks: This is really a bad idea.
Kurt Buckman: No, this is a great idea!
Nick Hendricks: You just gonna yell out ‘anybody here kill people for money’?
Kurt Buckman: No!
Dale Arbus: That’s a terrible plan.
Kurt Buckman: Hey, uh…does anyone here kill people for money?
Nick Hendricks: Kurt!
Bartender (Dive Bar): What the fuck you just say?
Kurt Buckman: Oh, no! It’s not a race thing. Uh…I believe that society discriminates and disenfranchises you folks.
Bartender (Dive Bar): You folks?
Nick Hendricks: Subtle!
Bartender (Dive Bar): Man, I’m a small business owner. Won’t have you call me disenfranchise.
Kurt Buckman: Well, not you in particular. I guess that…
Bartender (Dive Bar): Oh, right! You mean all black people?
Kurt Buckman: Yes.
Dale Arbus: No!
Nick Hendricks: I’m gonna be in the car.
[the bar tender picks up a baseball bat]
Dale Arbus: Woh! A baseball bat.
Kurt Buckman: Uh…I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m…I’m sorry if that’s what happened here, okay? If you knew me better, you’d know my heart was in the right place.
Bartender (Dive Bar): In about five seconds your heart gonna be in the wrong place.
Nick Hendricks: Are you a business man?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Yeah. Motherfucker Jones.
[Nick goes to shake his hand]
Nick Hendricks: How’s that?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Motherfucker Jones.
Dale Arbus: Your first name is Motherfucker?!
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Last name Jones. You got a problem with that?
Dale Arbus: No! No! Cool name. Yeah. Is that like on your birth certificate?
[Kurt elbows Dale to stop asking questions]
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: No, goofball. My real name is Dean.
Nick Hendricks: Dean Jones. That’s the same name of the actor in Herbie The Love Bug.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, he’s not gonna know who that is.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I know who he is, bitch!
Kurt Buckman: Sorry.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I can’t walk around this fuckin’ neighborhood with that Disney-assed name!
Nick Hendricks: How did you get the nickname Motherfucker?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: When I was a kid I snuck into my mother’s bedroom.
Dale Arbus: Uh-oh!
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: She was laying there, naked.
Kurt Buckman: Dean.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: She’d been drinking all night.
Nick Hendricks: We get it.
Dale Arbus: Yuk!
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: And I snuck up behind her.
Nick Hendricks: Aah!
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: And I slipped my fingers…into her purse.
Kurt Buckman: Purse. He said purse.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: And I took her money. The whole weeks pay. I really fucked her over and that’s how I got the name, Motherfucker Jones.
Kurt Buckman: You know, they should call you Motherfucker Over-Jones, to avoid confusion. Right?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: What’s the confusion?
Dale Arbus: There’s no confusion.
Nick Hendricks: Sir, we each have a boss…uh, that you know? There’s three bosses that would be best if those bosses, maybe were no longer….
Kurt Buckman: …no longer around, anymore.
Nick Hendricks: You know?
Dale Arbus: We…want…them…killed!
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Got the cheese?
Kurt Buckman: We got the cheese. What kind of cheese are you thinkin’?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: What, is it three hits?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah.
[he pauses to calculate the cost in his head]
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Thirty large.
Kurt Buckman: Woh!
Nick Hendricks: Hungry!
Dale Arbus: Here’s an idea, if you killed two could we get the third one to hold the cheese?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: It’s no negotiations. Thirty large, or nothing.
Nick Hendricks: Well, it’s…it’s more cheese than we’ve got.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Okay, then. It’s five large now!
Kurt Buckman: Then…we are in. We’re in.
Nick Hendricks: It would be awful if it was traceable back to us.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I don’t even know your names!
Nick Hendricks: That’s true.
Kurt Buckman: This is true. This is Dale. This is…
Dale Arbus: Don’t say my name!
Nick Hendricks: Shut up!
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Listen, bring the money here tomorrow, I’ll take care of the rest.
Kurt Buckman: You wanted something specific? Like a shoe box, duffel bag, something like that?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Just be here with the fucking money.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Put it in a briefcase.
Nick Hendricks: Thanks for your time. Here we go.
[Jones walks away from them]
Dale Arbus: Is the briefcase coming out of your end?
Nick Hendricks: What is your projected outside date of completion, Motherfucker?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I just come back from doing a dime. Some really nasty shit.
[Kurt whispers to Nick and Dale]
Kurt Buckman: That’s ten years.
Dale Arbus: I know what it is.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: They’re looking at me, I’m on probation. And if I set out of line, I’m going back.
Dale Arbus: Alright.
Nick Hendricks: Understood.
Kurt Buckman: I thought you said, you were gonna take care of this?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Yeah, I’ll take care of it.
[he indicates for them to lean closer]
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I’m going to be your murder consultant.
Dale Arbus: I’m sorry, but uh…no, man! Alright? That’s not cool.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Will you shut this fuckin’ hamster up?
Dale Arbus: I’m a hamster now? Come on!
Kurt Buckman: Easy! Easy! Easy!
Dale Arbus: Shush! It’s upsetting.
Kurt Buckman: It’s…it’s….it’s somewhat accurate.
Kurt Buckman: Look, that’s now what we talked about, Motherfucker. Alright, so, how about we just take the money and we get out of here?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: How about you go fuck yourself? No refunds.
Nick Hendricks: That’s five thousand dollars. If you think we’re just gonna walk out of here and let you keep that…
[Jones put his hand in his jacket pocket and moves as if to threaten to shoot them]
Dale Arbus: Listen, Motherfucker, please? Don’t shoot us. Let’s just talk it out.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Listen, five thousand is mine. I don’t care what you say. Now, you can take my advice or you can get the fuck out of here.
Dale Arbus: That’s a terrible deal!
Kurt Buckman: We should listen to him, okay?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Most killers are first timers. You wanna pull off a brilliant murder, you gotta act like it’s an accident. Failed breaks. Gas leaks. Suicide. Okay, if you do it right, you ain’t even gotta be there when it goes down.
Nick Hendricks: Oh, boy! That’s…that’s five…that’s five grand and we’re done?
Kurt Buckman: You got that straight.
Dale Arbus: That’s kind of obvious. Kind of obvious information, isn’t it?
Nick Hendricks: Sounds like Scooby-Doo! How are we supposed to fake three accidents?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: You stalk your pray. You gotta be smart. Find out where they live. Find out their habits. What’s their hobbies, what they like. What type of food they like. Find out who they’re fucking.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Even if you pulled it off perfectly, if you crackheads got motives, the poh-poh…
[Kurt whispers to Dale and Nick]
Kurt Buckman: That means police.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: …will still penny to you.
Nick Hendricks: We all have clear motives for killing our bosses. So this is not gonna work. This is garbage!
[Jones thinks for a moment]
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I got it. Why don’t you kill each other’s bosses?
Kurt Buckman: That’s actually a good idea.
Nick Hendricks: Not bad.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. Yeah. Like Hitchcock’s ‘Strangers on a Train’, right?
Nick Hendricks: I haven’t seen that. Did they…
Dale Arbus: The Danny DeVito movie. It’s funny.
Kurt Buckman: [sarcastically] Yeah. Yeah. That famous Alfred Hitchcock, Danny DeVito movie. That’s the one he’s…
[he slaps Dale on the head]
Kurt Buckman: Come on!
Dale Arbus: What?
Kurt Buckman: Come on! You’re thinking of Throw Momma from the Train.
Dale Arbus: That’s what it is.
[to the others as they enter Bobby Pellit’s home]
Kurt Buckman: Look at this place? It’s awful! It’s like a douchebag museum. It’s like we stepped inside the mind of an asshole.
[after they’ve entered Bobby Pellit’s house]
Nick Hendricks: What’s the plan?
Kurt Buckman: We’re here to get some intel.
Nick Hendricks: Intel?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. Short for intelligence.
Nick Hendricks: I know what is stands for.
Dale Arbus: Then why did you ask?
Kurt Buckman: Why are we talking about this? Let’s split up.
Dale Arbus: Right.
[picking up a box containing a lot of white powder which looks like cocaine]
Dale Arbus: Now, this would count as intel, right?
Nick Hendricks: Holy shit! That’s a lot of cocaine!
Dale Arbus: Have you ever seen this much cocaine in your life? That’s gotta be worth what? Ten, fifteen…
[suddenly he drops the bowl of cocaine and it goes all over them and the carpet]
Dale Arbus: Ah! I blew it! I blew that, didn’t I?
[as Dale picks up the box of cocaine from the floor using his sleeves as gloves]
Nick Hendricks: Don’t inhale.
Dale Arbus: Grab the box, I’ll scoop it in.
Nick Hendricks: I really don’t want to touch it. I don’t have sleeved gloves.
Dale Arbus: Get something to…scoop it in.
[tasting the cocaine that’s landed around his mouth]
Nick Hendricks: It’s so bitter!
[as Nick opens the dustbuster to empty the cocaine back in the box a handful of dust also gets dumped out]
Dale Arbus: You probably should have emptied the dustbuster first.
Nick Hendricks: [sarcastically] Is that what you think?
Dale Arbus: I was thinking that. On account of the dust.
[high on the cocaine they’ve inhaled they pick out the dust from the cocaine]
Dale Arbus: [speaking fast] I feel like things are gonna work out, you know? Cause I’m like a machine, you know? Look how fast I’m picking out this scrap, you know? I’m moving like super fast. I can’t even feel my nose.
Nick Hendricks: No. Do you wanna know what’s weird?
Dale Arbus: Yeah.
Nick Hendricks: That I feel like I should be panicking right now.
Dale Arbus: Mm-hmm.
Nick Hendricks: And I am a little bit, but it’s in a very very good way.
Dale Arbus: I’m witchin’ out, right?
Nick Hendricks: It’s a good kind of panic. Cause I feel like I…I will wanna die right now, but I also feel very very very good.
Dale Arbus: Yeah!
[Kurt walks in on them as they’re the cocaine and high from inhaling it]
Kurt Buckman: Hey! What are you guys doing?
Nick Hendricks: Nothing. But you know, before we go I just wanna take one more quick dump.
[he runs out of the room]
Dale Arbus: Take a quick dump and I’m gonna do pushups. Cause I can do anything.
[he starts doing pushups]
Kurt Buckman: What the hell have you guys done?
Dale Arbus: I’m feeling good, dude! You wanna help me clean? Like we bonded over this. This is like friendship stuff. We broke into someone’s house, man!
Kurt Buckman: Dale!
Dale Arbus: It’s like I had the most amazing experience of my life.
Kurt Buckman: Dale!
Dale Arbus: We broke into a man’s house…
Kurt Buckman: Dale!
Dale Arbus: …and suddenly I’m like and expert at sifting cocaine. It’s fucking amazing, dude! Come here! Help me with this.
[referring to Bobby Pellit’s cell phone that he took from his house]
Kurt Buckman: We’re literally in the process of getting ready to kill three people, and you’re gonna give me shit about stealing a fucking phone?
Dale Arbus: You run it by me if you’re gonna be stealing stuff. You gotta…
Kurt Buckman: Run it by you?
Dale Arbus: Run it by me!
Kurt Buckman: Okay. Okay.
[referring to the steering wheel]
Kurt Buckman: Nick, will you hold this for a second?
[he turns and starts hitting Dale]
Kurt Buckman: I’m not gonna run anything by you! I’m not gonna run anything by you! Dick head!
[outside Harken’s house as Nick and Kurt plan to go in and leave Dale as look out]
Dale Arbus: I’m gonna honk the horn six times.
Nick Hendricks: Did he say six?
Kurt Buckman: No! No! No! Something much more subtle.
Nick Hendricks: That’s too many.
Dale Arbus: More subtle?
Kurt Buckman: Mm-hmm.
Dale Arbus: Four honks?
Nick Hendricks: Can you honk once?
Dale Arbus: Are you kiddin’ me?
Nick Hendricks: Not at all.
Dale Arbus: People honk one all the time! You’re gonna be running in and out of the house.
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