Horrible
Bosses
Quotes
(Page 3)
Horrible
Bosses
Quotes Part 1
| 2 | 3
[after
they've entered
Bobby Pellit's house]Nick Hendricks: What's the plan?
Kurt Buckman: We're here to get some intel.
Nick Hendricks: Intel?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. Short for intelligence.
Nick Hendricks: I know what is stands for.
Dale Arbus: Then why did you ask?
Kurt Buckman: Why are we talking about this? Let's split up.
Dale Arbus: Right.
[picking up a box containing a lot of white powder which looks like cocaine]
Dale Arbus: Now, this would count as intel, right?
Nick Hendricks: Holy shit! That's a lot of cocaine!
Dale Arbus: Have you ever seen this much cocaine in your life? That's gotta be worth what? Ten, fifteen...
[suddenly he drops the bowl of cocaine and it goes all over them and the carpet]
Dale Arbus: Ah! I blew it! I blew that, didn't I?
[as Dale picks up the box of cocaine from the floor using his sleeves as gloves]
Nick Hendricks: Don't inhale.
Dale Arbus: Grab the box, I'll scoop it in.
Nick Hendricks: I really don't want to touch it. I don't have sleeved gloves.
Dale Arbus: Get something to...scoop it in.
[tasting the cocaine that's landed around his mouth]
Nick Hendricks: It's so bitter!
[as Nick opens the dustbuster to empty the cocaine back in the box a handful of dust also gets dumped out]
Dale Arbus: You probably should have emptied the dustbuster first.
Nick Hendricks: [sarcastically] Is that what you think?
Dale Arbus: I was thinking that. On account of the dust.
[high on the cocaine they've inhaled they pick out the dust from the cocaine]
Dale Arbus: [speaking fast] I feel like things are gonna work out, you know? Cause I'm like a machine, you know? Look how fast I'm picking out this scrap, you know? I'm moving like super fast. I can't even feel my nose.
Nick Hendricks: No. Do you wanna know what's weird?
Dale Arbus: Yeah.
Nick Hendricks: That I feel like I should be panicking right now.
Dale Arbus: Mmhmm.
Nick Hendricks: And I am a little bit, but it's in a very very good way.
Dale Arbus: I'm witchin' out, right?
Nick Hendricks: It's a good kind of panic. Cause I feel like I...I will wanna die right now, but I also feel very very very good.
Dale Arbus: Yeah!
[Kurt walks in on them as they're the cocaine and high from inhaling it]
Kurt Buckman: Hey! What are you guys doing?
Nick Hendricks: Nothing. But you know, before we go I just wanna take one more quick dump.
[he runs out of the room]
Dale Arbus: Take a quick dump and I'm gonna do push ups. Cause I can do anything.
[he starts doing push ups]
Kurt Buckman: What the hell have you guys done?
Dale Arbus: I'm feeling good, dude! You wanna help me clean? Like we bonded over this. This is like friendship stuff. We broke into someone's house, man!
Kurt Buckman: Dale!
Dale Arbus: It's like I had the most amazing experience of my life.
Kurt Buckman: Dale!
Dale Arbus: We broke into a man's house...
Kurt Buckman: Dale!
Dale Arbus: ...and suddenly I'm like and expert at sifting cocaine. It's fucking amazing, dude! Come here! Help me with this.
[referring to Bobby Pellit's cell phone that he took from his house]
Kurt Buckman: We're literally in the process of getting ready to kill three people, and you're gonna give me shit about stealing a fucking phone?
Dale Arbus: You run it by me if you're gonna be stealing stuff. You gotta...
Kurt Buckman: Run it by you?
Dale Arbus: Run it by me!
Kurt Buckman: Okay. Okay.
[referring to the steering wheel]
Kurt Buckman: Nick, will you hold this for a second?
[he turns and starts hitting Dale]
Kurt Buckman: I'm not gonna run anything by you! I'm not gonna run anything by you! Dick head!
[outside Harken's house as Nick and Kurt plan to go in and leave Dale as look out]
Dale Arbus: I'm gonna honk the horn six times.
Nick Hendricks: Did he say six?
Kurt Buckman: No! No! No! Something much more subtle.
Nick Hendricks: That's too many.
Dale Arbus: More subtle?
Kurt Buckman: Mmhmm.
Dale Arbus: Four honks?
Nick Hendricks: Can you honk once?
Dale Arbus: Are you kiddin' me?
Nick Hendricks: Not at all.
Dale Arbus: People honk one all the time! You're gonna be running in and out of the house.
[as they settle on the number of honks Dale should give as warning]
Kurt Buckman: Two honks? Please?
Dale Arbus: Alright. Two honks. Fine!
Nick Hendricks: Two honks. Tap-tap.
Dale Arbus: Okay.
[as Nick and Kurt walk towards Harken's house]
Dale Arbus: Two very long, very slow, honks.
[at Harken's house looking at a photo of Harken with his wife]
Kurt Buckman: Oh man! She is hot!
Kurt Buckman: Tell you what, I'd like to bend her over a barrel and show her the fifty states. You know what I'm sayin'?
Nick Hendricks: I don't know what that means.
Kurt Buckman: It's a saying.
Nick Hendricks: I don't think so.
Kurt Buckman: No. It is! It is! Yeah. People say that.
Nick Hendricks: I haven't heard it.
Kurt Buckman: I...I've definitely heard people say that.
Nick Hendricks: I'm not gonna argue with you. Let's continue the recon.
Kurt Buckman: Well, that's definitely a phrase.
Nick Hendricks: It sure isn't!
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, it is. It's from a book. The Great Gatsby, maybe?
[Harken catches Dale throwing a peanut butter and sandwich wrapper out the car window outside his house]
Dave Harken: Hey, schmuck face? You wanna tell me what you're doing littering on my street?
Dale Arbus: I think what happened...
[he clears his throat]
Dale Arbus: ...was that the wind blew it out of my hand.
Dave Harken: I don't care if the wind blew it out of your twat. Now why don't you take this piece of shit car, and get off my fucking block.
Dale Arbus: I don't know why you're mad at the car, but I don't think we should get hostile right now.
Dave Harken: Hostile? You wanna see hostile? How about I go in my house and I get my gu...
[Harken starts to choke as he inhales some of the peanut particles from the wrapper]
Dale Arbus: What's goin' on with you?
[Harken chokes out]
Dave Harken: Peanuts!
[mishearing Harken as he's choking]
Dale Arbus: Penis?
[Harken falls to the ground going into anaphylactic shock]
Dale Arbus: Oh, peanuts!
[referring to Dale thinking he's killed Harken when in fact he'd saved him from allergic reaction to peanuts]
Nick Hendricks: You realize we're all going to jail because of that fucking idiot!
Kurt Buckman: I can't go to jail! Look at me? I'll get raped like crazy!
Nick Hendricks: They'll fuck me too.
[he looks Nick up and down]
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. Totally.
Nick Hendricks: I'd get raped, just as much as you would.
Kurt Buckman: No. No. I know you would.
Nick Hendricks: You think you're more rapeable than I am?
Kurt Buckman: Nick. Nick, I'm not saying anything like it.
[after finding out Dale had saved Harken's life from the peanut allergic reaction]
Nick Hendricks: Hang on a second! So my boss, who we're thinking about planning to kill, is dying in front of you and you saved his life?
Dale Arbus: Well, that sounds bad when you say it like that.
Kurt Buckman: That's not cool.
Dale Arbus: But, I didn't...I didn't know it was Harken!
[as Kurt and Nick get into the car]
Dale Arbus: See this is why I need to know what people look like!
Kurt Buckman: Dale, we have one thing to figure out, if you can help us out. If Nick and I were in prison, who do you think would get raped more?
Dale Arbus: Nick.
Kurt Buckman: Really? Why?
Dale Arbus: Cause it's about weakness and vulnerability.
Kurt Buckman: Good enough.
Dale Arbus: You know?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, it is. It probably would be.
Nick Hendricks: When it came down do it, do you think you could Julia?
Kurt Buckman: I don't know. I don't know, maybe you're right. It is a little hard to imagine killing her now.
Nick Hendricks: Now?
Dale Arbus: What does that mean?
Nick Hendricks: You sleep with her?
Kurt Buckman: No! No!
Dale Arbus: You said you wouldn't sleep with her, dude!
Nick Hendricks: You're such a mess!
Kurt Buckman: I know! I know! But this time it wasn't my fault. I swear to God!
[referring to Julia]
Kurt Buckman: At first I was surveying her, like I was asked to do.
Dale Arbus: That was all you were asked to do!
Kurt Buckman: She is incredibly hot.
Dale Arbus: Don't talk about how hot she is, you fucking God damn bastard!
Kurt Buckman: So fucking hot! She really is hot. Next thing you know, she starts deliberately undressing. Come on! In front of her window, with her lights on! It's like she knew I was watching her.
[referring to Julia]
Kurt Buckman: She is clearly putting on a show. Then, the next thing you know, she uh...she makes herself a little snack.
Nick Hendricks: Did she have an ice chest?
Kurt Buckman: A popsicle. Then a banana.
Dale Arbus: Come on!
Kurt Buckman: And finally, a hot dog! I mean, come on!
Dale Arbus: No, I don't believe your story.
Kurt Buckman: Three penis shaped food! That...that can't be a coincidence, right? And eating them in that weird order? That's not proper meal.
[referring to Julia]
Dale Arbus: Okay. Fine. So you took the penis foods as an invitation to fuck her?
Kurt Buckman: No! No! God, no! No! No! I took her invitation to fuck her, as an invitation to fuck her. She like lured me in!
Nick Hendricks: There's definitely something clinically wrong with you.
Dale Arbus: You're a fucking whore!
Kurt Buckman: Ah, come on! That's not nice.
Nick Hendricks: Let's talk about what happened to Pellit tonight!
Kurt Buckman: Alright. Okay. Let me think here. Okay, here's what I'm thinking. Here's an idea; we call the cops with an anonymous tip.
Dale Arbus: Right.
Kurt Buckman: Alright. We tell them that Harken killed Pellit. Boom! Harken's in jail, Pellit's in hell, Julia's had the crazy fucked out of her. And all three of us have our problems solved.
Nick Hendricks: Could work. An anonymous tip. That's not bad.
[after getting caught by the police for speeding away from Pellit's home]
Detective Hagan: You wanna explain why you were doin' sixty one in a twenty five zone?
[shows Nick the speed camera photo taken of him speeding]
Detective Hagan: One block from the victims house, just moments after he got shot dead.
Nick Hendricks: I was drag racing. I'm a drag racer.
Detective Samson: You were drag racing?
Nick Hendricks: Mmm.
Detective Samson: In a Prius?
Nick Hendricks: I don't win a lot.
Detective Samson: If you think we're gonna believe that this is all just a big coincidence, we're gonna be here for a long time.
Dale Arbus: Okay, wait. By saying we're gonna be here for a long time, you're implying that we're not allowed to leave. Which would only be the case if we were under arrest. Are we under arrest?
Detective Hagan: No. We just brought you in for questioning.
Dale Arbus: Well, then! Ipso facto, you don't have sufficient evidence, constituting probable cause for an arrest warrant?
Detective Samson: Not yet.
Dale Arbus: Well, uh...then pursuant to the fourth amendment, I believe we are free to go. Are we not?
Detective Hagan: [reluctantly] Yeah. Technically, yeah.
Dale Arbus: Technically is good enough for me.
[looking at Kurt and Nick]
Dale Arbus: Gentlemen, we are free men. Let's go!
[as they're walking out of the police station]
Nick Hendricks: That's pretty great, Dale. Where did that come from?
Dale Arbus: Law and Order! Okay. You learn some stuff.
[after finding out the police will be sweeping for DNA at Pellit's home]
Dale Arbus: [shouting] Why would you put the whole bathroom in your ass?
Kurt Buckman: I didn't know I had DNA in my butt!
Dale Arbus: [shouting] You lie! You know there's DNA in your butt!
Kurt Buckman: I didn't!
Dale Arbus: [shouting] You just like shoving shit in your ass! You fucking pervert!
Nick Hendricks: We're lawyering up, man! That's it.
Dale Arbus: I don't have money for a lawyer, okay? I bought a very expensive ring, that I can't afford! And then I gave the rest of my motherfucking money to Motherfucker Jones!
Nick Hendricks: One of our intended victims killed one of the other intended victims.
Kurt Buckman: Mmhmm.
Dean 'MF' Jones: Shut the fuck up!
Nick Hendricks: Yeah. It's gone bad.
Dean 'MF' Jones: You guys are some fuckin' evil geniuses.
Kurt Buckman: No. No.
Dale Arbus: Well, thank you. Yeah, but actually we had nothing to do with it.
[referring to getting Harken to confess to killing Pellit]
Dean 'MF' Jones: Then this is what you need to do. Get him to confess to the murder while you're wearing a wire.
Kurt Buckman: A wire? We can do that. That's easy. Yeah.
Nick Hendricks: Is that how they got you? When you murdered somebody?
[Jones gives them a look whilst taking a sip of his drink through his straw]
Dean 'MF' Jones: I never murdered nobody.
Nick Hendricks: Sorry?
Dean 'MF' Jones: I never murdered anybody.
Kurt Buckman: Wait! No! You said you did a dime for some pretty nasty shit?
Dean 'MF' Jones: There was some nasty shit. But does that mean I murdered somebody? Where did you hear murder?
Kurt Buckman: Well, you certainly implied it!
Dale Arbus: If you didn't murder someone, what did you do?
Dean 'MF' Jones: Alright. Listen, come here.
[they move their heads closer to him]
Dean 'MF' Jones: You guys ever see the movie 'Snow Falling on Cedars'?
Kurt Buckman: No.
Nick Hendricks: I've never seen it.
Dale Arbus: I love that movie.
Nick Hendricks: I have no idea.
Dean 'MF' Jones: What happened was that I took a video camera into the movie and I bootleg it. They was waitin' for me right outside the exit.
Nick Hendricks: You did ten years for video piracy?
Dean 'MF' Jones: They take that shit so serious.
Kurt Buckman: We've been taking murder advice from some guy, who's biggest crime is taping an Ethan Hawke movie!
Dean 'MF' Jones: So, you do know the movie.
Kurt Buckman: I know who's in it. I know who's in it. Yeah.
[getting Harken to confess to Pellit's murder while Kurt is supposed to be secretly taping it]
Dale Arbus: That man you killed, you say his name.
Dave Harken: Pellit! Trust me, Pellit's name means nothing anymore.
Nick Hendricks: There is it! Thank you. Let's do it guys?
Dave Harken: Yeah, that's right.
[Nick looks around for Kurt, but he's not there]
Nick Hendricks: Where the fuck is Kurt?
Dave Harken: I killed Pellit!
Nick Hendricks: Hold that thought. I'm missing one guy, my friend Kurt.
Dave Harken: I walked right up to his door, I put a gun in his chest and I shot him! And then you know what? You know what I did after that? I shot him again! Now let me tell you something. I liked it. So if you think that I'm some sort of pussy, who won't do exactly the same thing to a couple of lamed-ass blackmailers? Think again.
Nick Hendricks: [voice over] So, in the end we didn't wind up going to jail. Well, actually we did later on that night, when they brought us in and booked us. But since we led the cops to Harken, they ultimately agreed to let our other offenses slide. And strangely enough, lucky for Kurt, there's no laws in the books against putting people's toiletries up your ass.
Nick Hendricks: [voice over] Anyway, with Harken in his new position, on all fours in prison for twenty five to life, Comnidyne made me acting president. It's a great job, I got a solid raise and I'm actually my own boss. Well, accept for the CEO.
Nick Hendricks: [voice over] Yeah. Turns out my new boss is a 'twisted old fuck'.
Nick Hendricks: [voice over] Meanwhile, the Pellit family put the most senior person in charge of the company. Which wasn't Kurt. But he was okay with that. Because he realized, that when you're the boss, sometimes people want you dead.
Kurt Buckman: Margie, I wanted to congratulate you.
Margie Emerman: Thank you.
Kurt Buckman: And if there's anything I can do, obviously to uh...help you out before the baby gets here, just let me know.
Margie Emerman: What baby?
Kurt Buckman: Your baby.
[he touches her protruding stomach]
Margie Emerman: I'm not pregnant.
Kurt Buckman: So, I'm just touching you.
[she gives him a look]
Kurt Buckman: Yay!
Nick Hendricks: [voice over] And Dale? Ultimately he decided his only choice was to screw Julia and after all.
[last line; blackmails Julia by getting Motherfucker Jones and Sommerfeld to help him]
Dale Arbus: Here's what's gonna happen, okay. I'm gonna take a very nice, very expensive two week vacation with my fiance. Let's call it a honeymoon, alright? And you are gonna pay for it. Then I'm gonna return to a rape free work place, alright? Because, if you so much as look at my sexy little ass, Julia, I will have yours locked up the fuck up! You crazy bitch whore!
[pauses for a moment]
Dale Arbus: Ah! That felt good!
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Total
Quotes: 110
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