Kingsman: The Secret Service Quotes

(Page 2)

Page   1   2   THE NOVEL


 

[as people are waiting in line to get the free SIM card]
Ryan: Uh, Mrs. P. You get one?
Michelle Unwin: Yeah…yeah, I been queuing up all day.
[Eggsy, Charlie and Roxy are watching the news]
News Reporter: [voice] This unprecedented giveaway by the philanthropist Richmond Valentine has already seen over a billion cards distributed.
[Merlin enters the room and the three stand to attention]
Merlin: At ease. So you thought we were done for the day, huh? Well, we’re not.
[he gives each of them an envelope]
Roxy: A party?
Merlin: Tonight, in London.
[holding up a photo of a girl]
Charlie: Who’s this?
Merlin: Your target. Your mission is to use your NLP training to win over the individual in the photograph in your envelope. And when I say “win over,” I do mean in the biblical sense.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Easy. Posh girls love a bit of rough.
Charlie: We’ll see about that, yeah?
[they all reveal their photo which is the same girl]
Roxy: We certainly will.


 

[at the party Charlie tries to chat up the female target]
Charlie: Hi. Sorry, I just had to come over and say, amazing eyes. Are you wearing color contacts?
Lady Sophie: No!
[she laughs]
Charlie: You so are.
[just then Roxy joins them]
Roxy: Oh, my God, negging. That’s hilarious. I haven’t heard anyone try that since the noughties.
Lady Sophie: Excuse me?
Roxy: Negging. Saying something negative to a pretty girl in order to undermine her social value. It’s supposed to make you want to win his approval. Absurdly basic, neuro-linguistic programming technique.


 

Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Is it just me, or does this champagne taste a little bit funny?
Charlie: It’s an acquired taste, mate.
[Eggsy joins them]
Roxy: I think it’s just cheap.
[referring to her cocktail]
Lady Sophie: Get one of these instead, they’re delicious.
Charlie: You know, if you’re into seduction techniques, this guy is textbook. See what he just did? It’s called an opinion opener. He got you talking with a neutral question, got all of us involved in the conversation, so that you craved individual attention.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, I’m just saying the champagne tastes rank.
[they are interrupted by a man]
The Interrogator: Lady Sophie Montague-Herring, phone call for you at reception.
Lady Sophie: Be right back.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: We’ll see you in a bit, yeah?
[Sophie gets up and walks off]
Roxy: See you in a bit.


 

[after Sophie leaves]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Budge up, Rox. I’m feeling a bit rough.
Roxy: Are you alright?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No.
The Interrogator: Sorry to eavesdrop, but, you know, there’s a much easier way to guarantee getting someone home. Rohypnol. Or even something stronger.
[just then Eggsy, Charlie and Roxy pass out]


 

[Eggsy wakes up to find himself tied to the train tracks]kingsman-11
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Who the fuck are you? Where am I?
[the interrogator holds up the knife he’s holding]
The Interrogator: This knife can save your life, huh?
[suddenly a train whistle blowing can be heard as the train approaches]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck!
The Interrogator: My employer’s got two questions for you, Eggsy. What the fuck is Kingsman, and who’s Harry Hart?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I don’t know who the fuck that is! Shit!
The Interrogator: Oh, Eggsy, I just killed two of your friends for giving me the same bullshit answer!


 

[as the train gets closer]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck! Just cut the fucking ropes, please!
The Interrogator: Hey, Eggsy! Is Kingsman worth dying for?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: F…fuck you!
[suddenly the train runs over him, but Eggsy is dropped into a little hole in the tracks and Harry is seen standing where the Interrogator was holding the knife]
Harry Hart: Congratulations. Bloody well done.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: How’d the others do?
Harry Hart: Roxy passed with flying colors. Charlie’s up next. Want to watch?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah, alright.


 

[Charlie’s tied to the same train tracks as Eggsy was with the interrogator standing over him]
Charlie: Oh, fuck.
The Interrogator: Is Kingsman really worth dying for?
Charlie: No, it fucking isn’t! Shit, I’ll tell you what you want. Please! Chester King is Arthur. Arthur’s head of a spy agency, it’s called Kingsman. Get me out of here!
The Interrogator: Thank you, Charlie. Much appreciated.
[the interrogator steps back as the train gets closer]
Charlie: Come on! That wasn’t the fucking deal!
[the train runs over Charlie and like Eggsy he’s dropped into the hole in the tracks as it passes]
Charlie: Fuck! Oh, fuck!
[Arthur walks over to Charlie]
Arthur: I had such high hopes for you. You’re a bloody disgrace.
Charlie: Arthur, I’m sorry. At least untie me.
Arthur: Untie yourself.
[Arthur walks off]
Charlie: Arthur. Arthur, please.


 

[Eggsy, Roxy, Harry and Merlin are watching Charlie on a monitor]kingsman-10
Charlie: I’m the fucking son of the… shit! Anyone? Hello?
Merlin: Galahad, Percival, congratulations. Your candidates have reached the final stage of the testing process. As tradition allows, you now have 24 hours to spend with them. Eggsy, you should know your father reached this point. From now on, there are no safety nets, understood?
[Eggsy and Roxy look at each other then nod their heads]
Merlin: Good. Dismissed.
[the others leave the room, Merlin turns to the monitor and uses the speakers]
Merlin: Charlie, time to go home.
Charlie: Fuck you! Fucking Dad’s gonna hear about this!


 

[pointing to a newspaper heading clipping that’s stuck to the wall in Harry’s office]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: “To pee or not to pee?”
Harry Hart: That was the headline the day after I defused a dirty bomb in Paris.
[reading the heading from another newspaper clipping stuck on the wall]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: “Germany – 1, England – 5.”
Harry Hart: Missed that game. I was breaking up an undercover spy ring at the Pentagon.


 

[pointing to the newspaper clipping showing a photo of Prince Charles and Princess Diana’s wedding]
Harry Hart: My first mission. Foiled the assassination of Margaret Thatcher.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Not everybody’d thank you for that one.
Harry Hart: The point is, Eggsy, nobody thanked me for any of them. Front page news on all these occasions was celebrity nonsense. Because it’s the nature of Kingsman that our achievements remain secret. A gentleman’s name should appear in the newspaper only three times: when he’s born, when he marries, and when he dies. And we are, first and foremost, gentlemen.
[Eggsy sits down]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: That’s me fucked, then.


 

Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Well, it’s like Charlie said, I’m just a pleb.
Harry Hart: Nonsense. Being a gentleman has nothing to do with the circumstances of one’s birth. Being a gentleman is something one learns.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah, but how?
Harry Hart: Alright, first lesson. You should have asked me before you took a seat. Second lesson. How to make a proper martini.
[Eggsy smiles]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yes, Harry.


 

[as he’s having his hand scanned his skin is being singed]
Valentine: Goddamn it! This fucking hurts!
Gazelle: You’re the one who asked for a biometric security system. What’s wrong with a simple switch?
Valentine: A simple switch?! This is an extremely dangerous machine. It should only be operated by someone as responsible and sane as me. Bad shit can happen if this falls into the wrong hands.
[as he takes his hand off the machine]
Valentine: Woh! We done here? Shit!
Gazelle: No. Now this one.
[opens up another machine]
Gazelle: For the test at the church.
Valentine: This one just has a short range. A simple switch will do.


 

Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So are you gonna teach me how to talk proper, like in My Fair Lady?kingsman-12
Harry Hart: Don’t be absurd. Being a gentleman has nothing to do with one’s accent, it’s about being at ease in one’s own skin. As Hemingway said, “There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man. True nobility is being superior to your former self.”
[they enter the Kingsman tailor shop]
Harry Hart: Now the first thing every gentleman needs is a good suit. By which I mean, a bespoke suit. Never off the peg. And Kingsman suits are always bulletproof. So let’s get you measured, and then, whether you get the job or not, you’ll have a lasting and useful memento of your time at Kingsman.


 

[as Harry goes to enter the fitting room]
Kingsman Tailor: I’m so sorry, sir, but a gentleman is completing his fitting. Fitting room two is available.
Harry Hart: One does not use fitting room two when one is popping one’s cherry.
[to Eggsy]
Harry Hart: Perhaps I’ll show you fitting room three while we wait.
[they enter into another fitting room and stand by the mirrors]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So we going up or down?
Harry Hart: Neither.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: This it?
Harry Hart: Of course not. Pull the hook on your left.
[Eggsy pulls the hook and the wall opens, they enter into a weapons room]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Ah, yes. Very, very nice.


 

Harry Hart: Now, you’re going to need a pair of shoes to go with your suit.
[going over to some shoes]
Harry Hart: An Oxford is any formal shoe with open lacing. This additional decorative piece is called broguing.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: “Oxfords, not brogues.”
Harry Hart: Words to live by, Eggsy. Words to live by.
[Harry gives him a pair of Oxfords]
Harry Hart: Try a pair. Your weapon scores are excellent, by the way.
[pointing to some umbrellas]
Harry Hart: These you’re familiar with. And this is our standard-issue pistol. It’s quite unique, as you’ll see, it also fires a shotgun cartridge for use in messy close-range situations.


 

[referring to the shoes Eggsy has tried on]
Harry Hart: How do they feel?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah, good.
Harry Hart: Now do your very best impersonation of a German aristocrat’s formal greeting.
[Eggsy stands, puts his finger on his upper lip and does the Nazi salute]
Harry Hart: No, Eggsy.
[Harry stands to attention and clips the ends of his feet together which extends out a small spike from his shoe]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: That is sick.
[Eggsy does the same to his shoe to extend his spike]
Harry Hart: In the old days, they had a phone in the heel, as well.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: How do I get it back in?
Harry Hart: Well, it’s coated in one of the fastest-acting neurotoxins known to man, so very carefully.
[he uses the wall to push the spike back in]


 

Harry Hart: Now, I’ve had a lot of fun with this.
[he picks up a fountain pen]
Harry Hart: One of our finest examples of chemical engineering.
[he pulls off the nib]
Harry Hart: A poison harmless when ingested, but at a time convenient to you, can be remotely activated. Primed. Lethal.
[pointing to the lighters]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: And what about these? What do these do?
[he picks one up]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Electrocute you?
Harry Hart: Don’t be ridiculous. It’s a hand grenade.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Shut up.
Harry Hart: You want to electrocute someone, you’ll need a signet ring. A gentleman traditionally wears the signet on his left hand, but a Kingsman wears it on whichever hand happens to be dominant. Touch the contact behind the ring, it delivers fifty thousand volts.


 

[pointing to the rows of cell phones and tablets]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: And what about them? What makes them so special?
[Eggsy takes one of the lighters as Harry is distracted]
Harry Hart: Nothing. That technology’s caught up with the spy world.
[Harry starts to leave and Eggsy follows him]
Harry Hart: Put it back, Eggsy.
[Eggsy turns and puts the lighter back]


 

[as Harry and Eggsy walk out of the fitting room]
Kingsman Tailor: Ah, perfect timing. Gentleman’s just finished.
[the door to the other fitting room opens and Valentine walks out]kingsman-13
Valentine: Mr. DeVere! What a coincidence! You are totally the reason I am here. When you left my house, I was thirsting for that dope-ass smoking jacket you had on, and since I’m going to Royal Ascot, and apparently you need one of these penguin suits, here I am. What are you doing here?
[to Eggsy]
Valentine: What’s up, man? Richmond Valentine.
[he shakes Eggsy’s hand]
Harry Hart: This is my new valet. I was just introducing him to my tailor.
Valentine: Another coincidence. So am I.


 

Harry Hart: Have you had any chance to think further on my proposal?
Valentine: Most definitely. My people will be getting in touch with you very soon. I guarantee it.
Harry Hart: A word of advice: Ascot requires top hat. I might suggest Lock & Co. Hatters. St. James’s.
Valentine: “Lox,” as in smoked fish?
Harry Hart: As in “locked up.”
[Harry smiles]
Valentine: Oh. I have trouble understanding you people sometimes. You all talk so funny.
[he turns and walks out with Gazelle following him; to the tailors]
Harry Hart: Gentlemen, would you look after him, please?
[Eggsy enters the fitting room with the tailor]


 

[standing outside Lock & Co with a top hat]
Valentine: Now, this is a dope-ass top hat.
[he puts the hat on]
Valentine: Gazelle! Let’s go ascoting.
[Harry is sat in his cab listening to Valentine as his top hat is bugged]
Valentine: Your hat looks fine, Gazelle. Come on, don’t make me late for the queen. Come on, Gazelle, we’re gonna be late. How far is Ascot? How far?


 

[at Kingsman headquarters]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin said you wanted to see me, sir?
Arthur: Sit down.
[Eggsy enters the room with J.B. following him and takes a seat]
Arthur: Pretty dog. What’s his name?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: J.B.
Arthur: As in James Bond?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No.
Arthur: Jason Bourne?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No. Jack Bauer.
Arthur: Oh! Bravo.


 

Arthur: It pains me to admit it, Eggsy, but I think that one day you might be as good a spy as any of them.
[Arthur picks up a gun, points it at Eggsy before offering it to him]
Arthur: Take it.
[Eggsy takes the gun]
Arthur: Shoot the dog.
[Eggsy looks at J.B.; at the same time Merlin is in another room with Roxy and her dog]
Merlin: This weapon is live.
[he gives the gun to Roxy]
Merlin: Shoot the dog.
[back with Eggsy, he points the gun at J.B. for a moment, he shakes his head as he’s unable to shoot]
Arthur: Give me the gun.
[Eggsy points the gun at Arthur when suddenly a gun shot is heard]
Arthur: At least the girl’s got balls.
[Eggsy gives the gun to Arthur]
Arthur: Get out. I knew you couldn’t make it. Go home.
[looking disappointed Eggsy leaves]
Arthur: Merlin, send in Roxy, please.


 

[Roxy enters the room with Merlin]
Arthur: Welcome to Kingsman, Lancelot.
[he shakes her hand]


 

[Eggsy is standing in his room looking in the mirror wearing his own clothes, he smiles at J.B. when he hears the front door closing]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Mom?
Michelle Unwin: Eggsy!
[they embrace each other]
Michelle Unwin: Oh, God, where have you been? I’ve been so worried about you.
[she kisses his cheek, Eggsy then looks at his baby sister]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Oh, my days, look how big you’ve grown.
[Eggsy then notices the bruise on Michelle’s face]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Where is he?
Michelle Unwin: I’m fine. Eggsy, please, please, just don’t get involved.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, I should never have left you on your own. This stops right now. I’ll be right back.
[Eggsy goes to leave]
Michelle Unwin: Eggsy.


 

[in the Kingsman cab he’s stolen Eggsy pulls outside the pub where Dean and his thugs are sat]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Oy! Dean!
Dean: Oh, Muggsy. So you’re back. What, you gone and nicked a fucking taxi now?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah. Can I have a word about my mum’s black eye?
Dean: You want to have a word with me? You get out of that cab, I’ll knock you straight back down on your fucking arse.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Tell your muppets to go inside, then I’ll get out.
Dean: Go on, lads. There’ll be two hits: me hitting him, him hitting the floor.
[his thugs leave]


 

[to Eggsy]
Dean: Come on, then, you prick, let’s see what you got, eh? Want a bit of me?
[suddenly the cab doors lock and the windows roll up by themselves]
Dean: What are you doing?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: What the fuck?
Dean: Get out of the fucking car!
[Eggsy tries to unlock the car]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, no, no! Come on!
Dean: What are you doing?
[the cab then drives off by itself]
Dean: What are you doing, you mug! What, you got no bollocks?!
[Eggsy tries desperately to stop the cab]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Come on, bruv, he hit my fucking mum!
Dean: Come back when you’ve grown a pair! Muggsy!


 

[the cab takes Eggsy to Harry’s place and Eggsy enters the house]
Harry Hart: You throw away your biggest opportunity over a fucking dog. And then you humiliate me by stealing my boss’s car.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You shot a dog just to get a fucking job?
Harry Hart: Yes, I did.
[Harry then shows him a stuffed dog in the bathroom]
Harry Hart: And Mr. Pickle here reminds me of that every time I take a shit.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You shot your dog and had it stuffed? You fucking freak.
Harry Hart: No, I shot my dog, and then I brought him home and continued to care for him for the next eleven years until he died of pancreatitis.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: What?
Harry Hart: It was a blank, Eggsy. It was a fucking blank.


 

Harry Hart: Remember Amelia?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah.
Harry Hart: She didn’t drown. She works in our tech department in Berlin; she’s fine. Limits must be tested. A Kingsman only condones the risking of a life to save another.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Like my dad saved your life even though your fuck-up cost his. Or have you got him stuffed here and all?
Harry Hart: Can’t you see that everything I’ve done has been about trying to repay him?


 

[Harry puts on his glasses as Merlin contacts him]
Merlin: Harry, listen to this. Valentine’s at last saying something of note.
[over the speaker]
Valentine: Know what I love about pen and paper?
[Valentine is in his private plane with Gazelle]
Valentine: Nobody can hack into this shit. Our worldwide tour was a complete success. We have total coverall. Like when all your numbers in bingo are crossed out.
Gazelle: Bingo?
Valentine: Bingo. The game. You have played bingo, right?
Gazelle: Do I look like I play bingo?
Valentine: Point is, if our tests go well at the church tomorrow, we are good to go.


 

Harry Hart: South Glade Mission Church. Merlin, get the plane ready.
Merlin: Will do.
[Harry takes off his glasses]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Harry, I’m so sorry. I’m gonna do ev…
Harry Hart: You should be. You just stay right there. I’ll sort this mess out when I get back.


 

[Harry is in Kentucky sat in the church listening to the nasty sermon from the bigoted leader; to Harry over the radio]
Merlin: Charming sermon. Can you see Valentine anywhere?
[Harry looks around and spots the small camera on the wall where Valentine and Gazelle are watching them]
Gazelle: You sure we’re out of range?
Valentine: We’re over a thousand feet away. What’s wrong?
Gazelle: What if the calculations are wrong?
Valentine: You just have to trust me.


 

[back in the church Harry gets up to leave; to the woman sat next to him]
Harry Hart: Would you excuse me?
Church Blonde Woman: Where are you going?
[Harry starts to get up]
Church Blonde Woman: Hey, what’s your problem?
Harry Hart: I’m a Catholic whore currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black, Jewish boyfriend who works in a military abortion clinic. So, hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.
[the woman looks at Harry in shock as he gets up and walks off]


 

[as he watches Harry leaving the church]
Valentine: Oh, shit. He’s leaving. I’m starting the test now. Let’s hope enough of these freaks have our SIM cards.
[Valentine activate the signal on the phones of the people with the SIM card in the church; the woman follows Harry as he walks to the door]
Church Blonde Woman: Just leave this church! You just leave this church like the infidel you are!
[everyone in the church starts to rise to their feet and look at Harry]
Church Blonde Woman: Satan cannot save you now! You will eat your babies! You will drown in the blood of the Lord! He will not save you!kingsman-15
[Harry stops turns, takes out his gun and shoots the woman in the head; as he watches from Harry’s laptop]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Holy fuck!
[people in the church go into a violent rage and start attacking each other]
Valentine: Aw, shit, I can’t watch this.
[to Gazelle]
Valentine: Get over here.


 

[as everyone is attacking each other in the church Harry kills everyone that tries to attack him; over the radio as he watches what Harry is doing]
Merlin: Galahad, can you hear me? Harry! Harry, what the heck is going on?
[to Gazelle]
Valentine: Could you turn the volume down, please?
Gazelle: I didn’t expect it to be that effective.
Valentine: What kind of response are we talking?
Gazelle: A hundred percent.
Valentine: So everyone’s been affected, whether they have a SIM card or not. And we get the added benefit of wiping out the Kingsman.
Gazelle: Not yet.
[as she watches Harry stabbing, bludgeoning, impaling and blowing up people]
Valentine: Oh, you need to see this.


 

[Harry kills everyone until he is the only survivor, realizing what he’s done he walks out of the church where he finds Valentine and Gazelle waiting for him]
Harry Hart: What did you do to me? I had no control. I killed all those people. I wanted to.
Valentine: Clever, isn’t it? In simple terms, it’s a neurological wave that triggers the centers of aggression and switches off inhibitors.
Harry Hart: Transmitted through your nasty, free SIM cards, I assume.
[Valentine walks over to Harry]
Valentine: Do you know what this is like? It’s like those old movies we both love. Now I’m gonna tell you my whole plan, and then I’m gonna come up with some absurd and convoluted way to kill you, and you’ll find an equally convoluted way to escape.
Harry Hart: Sounds good to me.
Valentine: Well, this ain’t that kind of movie.
[suddenly he takes out a gun and shoots Harry in the head, killing him; Eggsy screams in horror as he watches]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No!

 


Page   <<      1   2
Total Quotes: 142

 

 

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