Men in Black 3 Quotes: A Playful Return(Total Quotes: 95)
Directed by: Barry Sonnenfeld
Etan Cohen (screenplay)
Lowell Cunningham (comic)
David Koepp (screenplay)
Jeff Nathanson (screenplay)
Michael Soccio (screenplay)
Will Smith – Agent J
Tommy Lee Jones – Agent K
Josh Brolin – Young Agent K
Jemaine Clement – Boris The Animal
Emma Thompson – Agent O
Michael Stuhlbarg – Griffin
Mike Colter – Colonel
Nicole Scherzinger – Boris’ Girlfriend
Michael Chernus – Jeffrey Price
Alice Eve – Young Agent O
David Rasche – Agent X
Keone Young – Mr. Wu
Bill Hader – Andy Warhol
Cayen Martin – Colonel’s Son
OUR REVIEW & RATING ★★★☆☆
Men in Black 3 quotes are a mixed bag but it has a series of okay gags with genuine laugh out moments that makes it worth a look. The narrative and tone of the movie is very light hearted and a bit cartoonish at times with no heavy thinking required. A quick summary of the plot; when alien ‘Boris the Animal’, is liberated from his lunar prison, Boris decides to jump back in time to carry out the evil intent he had planned for 40 years ago which was diverted at the time by Agent K. So J jumps back in time to save his partner and the world.
As expected Will Smith’s charismatic performance dominates the movie with a winning performance from Brolin, with his dead-on impression of Tommy Lee Jones as young Agent K. The best credit has to be given to the ending of the movie, as it comes full circle to reveal the real relationship between Agent J and Agent K.
Verdict: It packs enough of a punch to get the franchise back on track.
[first lines; a girl in an S&M-type costume with the name ‘Boris’ tattooed on her back, enters a maximum-security facility carrying a cake]
Prison Guard #1: Well, well, Boris The Animal has a visitor. I guess one every four years is okay.
[the other guard scans the cake]
Boris’ Girlfriend: It’s a cake.
Prison Guard #2: I decide what it is.
[the scan reads that it’s ceramic cookware and organic matter
Prison Guard #2: Looks like some kind of cake. She’s clean. Well, not clean, but you know!
[both guards laugh]
Prison Guard #3: Boris The Animal, you’ve got a visitor.
Boris The Animal: It’s just Boris.
[to the girl entering the cell]
Boris The Animal: Your letters have been a soul nourishing tonic.
Boris’ Girlfriend: And you are much more unconventionally handsome than your photos.
[he kisses her with his extremely long tongue and the guards look grossed out]
Prison Guard #4: This ain’t a conjugal visit, so quit your conjugating.
Boris The Animal: When was the last time you conjugated anything?
[to the girl]
Boris The Animal: I see you’ve brought me a treat, darling.
[to the guards]
Boris The Animal: Would you mind cutting this up for us? It’s a special day. I’m a romantic like that.
[the girl holds out the cake towards the guard, one of them steps forward and sticks his finger out to place in the cake]
Boris The Animal: Oh, I wouldn’t do that.
Prison Guard #4: Why is that?
Boris The Animal: It’ll ruin your figure.
[the guard shoves his hand in the cake, suddenly a small spider-like alien leaps out of the cake, shoots spikes into the guards’ foreheads, killing them, it unlocks Boris’ chains, then crawls inside a hole in his palm]
Boris The Animal: You complete me.
[as Boris and the girl break into the arms room and steal a giant gun, they pass an adjacent cell, one of the prisoners yells]
Obadiah Price: Boris, you promised to take me with you! We had a deal!
[Boris opens the prisoners cell]
Boris The Animal: Obadiah Price. Yes, I did make you a promise.
[Boris holds up his hand and shoots him in the head with a palm spike]
[as Boris breaks out through to another cell he is greeted with dozens more guards all pointing their weapons at him]
Lunar Guard: You can’t win, Boris.
Boris The Animal: Mm, let’s agree to disagree.
Lunar Guard: There’s too many of us.
Boris The Animal: Rather hot in here, mind if I open a window?
[Boris shoots a hole in the ceiling, the guards get sucked out into outer space, Boris uses the claws on his feet to hold on to the floor, the girl tries to holds onto Boris’ arm so as to not get sucked out]
Boris The Animal: Sorry, darling. We did love the cake.
[he callously lets her go and she gets sucked out into outer space]
[as Boris breaks out of the prison, he lands on the surface of the moon, he looks straight ahead and says]
Boris The Animal: Let’s rewrite history, shall we K?
[addressing crowd of people who have witnessed a flying saucer crash]
Agent K: Good afternoon. Please give your attention to my associate, Agent J. He’s going to demonstrate an Electro-Biomechanical-Neuro-Transmitting-Zero-Synapses-Repositioner, we call it the Neuralizer.
Agent K: Better keep it simple.
[J turns to the crowd]
Agent J: Thank you, Agent K. Uh…ladies and gentlemen, if you will, look right here.
[he holds up the Neuralizer and flashes the crowd]
Agent J: Okay. You know how you’re on an airplane and the flight attendant asks you to turn your cell phone off, and you’re like; I ain’t turnin’ my cell phone off, that’s doin’ no harm to the damn airplane?
[pointing to the saucer crash behind him]
Agent J: Well, this is what we get. That’s what happens, it gets up there, bounces around on the satellite, and bam! Just turn your damn cell phone off. Now you’re gonna drop off a cliff cause your GPS don’t work.
[referring to the donar kebab meat that’s being roasted on a vertical spit]
Agent J: Seriously, I’m not even sure that’s meat! I think I just saw a tooth in that thing, or a claw, a hoof.
[K takes buys a kebab from the kebab vendor and walks off]
Agent J: That does not belong in a pita, it belongs in a casket.
Agent K: You know, it feels good to eat in silence.
Agent J: But see, here’s the problem. You can’t smell it, because your nose already smells like that, where my nose doesn’t.
Agent K: Silence feels good with a lot of things. Did you ever try it, or is talking the way you breathe?
Agent J: If you hate me, you should just say you hate me. Don’t take it out on the car.
Agent K: You know, I’m enjoying this.
Agent J: Wow! Enjoyment. So, that’s what enjoyment looks like on that face. I like that emotion.
Agent K: Let’s keep emotion out of it.
Agent J: Out of what, K? Life?
Agent J: Sure you don’t wanna run it be me, let me know what you’re gonna say tonight?
Agent K: Don’t worry.
Agent J: Oh, no. I’m worried. Very worried. It’s the man’s eulogy, you’re gonna have to show some feeling. You know that thing that human people do, when they change the expression on their face?
Agent K: I worked with Z for forty years, he was a hell of an agent and I have written a hell of a speech for him. People will be moved.
[J doesn’t look convinced]
Agent J: Mm-hmm.
[at the MIB headquarters, K delivers a eulogy for the recently departed Z]
Agent K: I worked with Z for over forty year, and in all that time he never invited me to dinner. He never asked me to his house, or watch a game. He never shared a single detail of his personal life.
[he pauses for a moment]
Agent K: Thank you.
[K walks off and comes to stand next to J, who looks amazed at K’s short eulogy]
Mannix: And now we will hear from our new chief, Agent O.
Agent O: Thank you, Agent K. That was very moving.
[J turns to K as he stands next to him]
Agent J: That was your eulogy?
Agent K: He was a good man.
[giving her eulogy for Agent Z]
Agent O: Ladies, gentlemen, other life forms. When I told the Fenution Zyglot about Z’s passing, she said something that I’m going to repeat, and I’m paraphrasing.
[suddenly O starts screeching out loud, speaking in Zyglot’s language, J looks around him very confused]
Agent O: That’s just so Z. Thank you.
[after Z’s eulogy J and K are driving around in the city]
Agent J: Can you promise me, if I go first, you’ll do better than that at my funeral? You know, something like uh…’J was a friend, now there’s a big part of me that’s gone. Oh, J, all the things that I should have said, except I was too old and craggy and surly, and just tight. Cause I was too tight. Now I’m gonna just miss your caramel, brown skin.’
Agent K: I’ll wing something.
Agent J: Man, how did you get to be like you? Seriously, something happened, K. What happened?
Agent K: You know how I lived such a happy life.
Agent J: How you lived such a happy life?
Agent K: I don’t ask questions I don’t wanna know the answer to.
Agent J: Mm-hmm. That’s deep.
[Boris heads to an electronics store run by Jeffrey Price, the son of Obadiah Price]
Jeffrey Price: Do I know you?
Boris The Animal: You’re services are legendary, so says your father, Obadiah.
Jeffrey Price: You were in Lunar Max.
Boris The Animal: There is no prison that can hold me.
Jeffrey Price: Cool for you. What do you need from me, man?
Boris The Animal: The device. I’m going back in time to kill a man, before he takes my arm.
[as K and J check out the intestinal worms being served to humans at a Chinese restaurant]
Agent J: Ooh, man! These look like they come from the planet damn.
[K and J are sat at a table the Chinese restaurant with the intestinal worm problem]
Agent J: That was just mean, what you did to Hula back there. That’s just disrespectful.
Agent K: I used to play a game with my dad, what would you have for your last meal. We could do worse than this.
Agent J: Oh. Okay. Um…I used to play a game with my dad called catch. Except I would throw the ball and it would just hit the wall, cause he wasn’t there.
Agent K: Don’t bad mouth your old man.
Agent J: I’m not bad mouthin’ him, I’m just uh…didn’t really know him.
Agent K: That’s not right.
Agent J: You damn right, it’s not right. A little boy needs a father.
Agent K: Table one hasn’t ordered a thing. Table three, over there, just drank his fourth cup of Doug’s boss.
[K gets a call from O]
Agent O: Hey, the crashed ship from this morning, was stolen from…
Agent K: Lunar Max Prison. Boris The Animal.
Agent O: How did you know?
Agent K: He always had a taste for Spikey Bulba. Give us a minute, will you, Chief.
[he hangs up on O]
Agent J: We’re in a situation.
[an alien walks into the restaurant and turns the open sign to closed]
Agent K: Yeah. I’ll take the Choloropod, you take the Taranovi and the Hydronian over there. I’ll take whoever’s in the kitchen and meet you on the street.
Agent J: This is a very confusing time in my life.
[suddenly one of the aliens gets his alien gun out and the women behind the counters screams, J shoots the alien and K starts shooting at the other aliens in the restaurant]
[as J is battling with a giant alien fish, K runs back to the kitchen, he sees that the restaurant proprietor has been shot with one of Boris’ hand spikes and races up to the roof to confront Boris]
Boris The Animal: Hello, K.
Agent K: Boris The Animal.
Boris The Animal: It’s just Boris!
Agent K: You haven’t changed very much. I see the arm I shot off is still shot off.
Boris The Animal: Yes, my arm. We’ve thought about that moment, every day for the last forty years.
Agent K: Well, that’s just not living a full life.
Boris The Animal: I can promise you it will be longer than yours.
Agent K: Lonelier too, since you’re the last Bogladyte standing.
Boris The Animal: We’ll see about that. But first, I wanted the pleasure of killing you.
[just at the moment that Boris holds his palm up to release his palm spike, J opens door to the roof and interjects the spike]
Agent J: Yoh, K…
[J and K use the door to shield themselves from Boris’ hand spikes]
Agent K: Where the hell have you been?
as Boris is shooting his spikes, J and K jump off the roof, using the door to break their fall, Boris looks down on them from the edge of the roof]
Boris The Animal: You don’t know it, K. But you’re already dead.
[after the fight with the aliens and Boris, J joins K at the bar in Chinese restaurant]
Agent J: Man, I am getting too old for this. I can only imagine how you feel.
Agent K: Boris The Animal. Putt him away a long time ago, it was the worst mistake I ever made.
Agent J: Why? Was he innocent?
Agent K: Should have killed him.
Agent J: Let’s go get him.
Agent K: No.
Agent J: No?
Agent K: Lunar belongs above your pay grade.
Agent J: We’re partners, we have the same pay grade.
Agent K: It has nothing to do with you, mind your own business.
Agent J: Okay, first of all, let’s get a little bit of that base out of your voice. And secondly, as long as spiky boy’s runnin’ around town, this is my whole business.
Agent K: You will forget about Boris, or my report will reflect that your conduct is unbecoming.
Agent J: Well maybe my report is gonna reflect some shit too, K.
Agent K: You are suspended for two weeks.
Agent J: Bullshit!
Agent K: Four weeks.
[K gets up from the bar and starts walking out of the restaurant]
Agent J: How about I quit?
[as K opens the door to leave]
Agent K: There are things out there you do not need to know!
Agent J: That’s not the lie you told me when you recruited me!
[after J heads back to MIB headquarters, he finds out that Boris was responsible for some alien murders in 1969, K stopped the Bogladytes and set up the Ark Net defense system and the Bogladytes starved on their way to the next planet]
Agent O: So, why the sudden interest in your partner’s old exploits, hmm?
Agent J: What happened between Boris and K?
Agent O: That’s easy, K imprisoned Boris, he put up the Ark Net, he protected the earth from the Bogladyte. He did his job.
Agent J: You know that’s not what I’m asking you. Cape Canaveral, what happened?
Agent O: Something that changed him. Leave it at that.
Agent J: So you two go way back, huh?
Agent O: That’s classified. A word of advice, Agent J. Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.
Agent J: That’s funny, that is exactly what K said.
Agent O: He’s a very wise man. Take the rest of the night off.
[as J is sat in his room at home playing a video game he gets a call from K]
Agent K: Guess I owe you some answers, boss?
Agent J: What, you feelin’ all chatty all of a sudden? Sorry, I can’t talk right now, I got some secret cases of my own I’m workin’ on.
Agent K: I hate to tare you away from your video game.
Agent J: Alright, I’m hangin’ up.
[as he’s about to hang up he hears K]
Agent K: Do you know the most destructive force in the universe?
Agent J: Sugar?
Agent K: Regret.
Agent J: You don’t have to wait, just talk.
Agent K: I promised you the secrets of the universe, nothing more.
Agent J: So what, there’s some secrets out there that the universe don’t know about?
[K doesn’t answer, J gets fed up and hangs up, K then gets an alien gun, sits in his chair and is then suddenly sucked into a space-time vortex]
[after K is killed, J arrives to pick up K the next morning but finds K’s apartment is occupied by a random lady with kids, he goes to MIB headquarters, gets into the elevator and is joined by another agent who seems to thinks J is his partner]
Agent AA: J, everything you told me yesterday, you were right as rain. Thank God for that ten hour stakeout.
Agent J: Uh…who are you?
Agent AA: Exactly. I feel like a whole new man today, like this great weight has been lifted. I mean, I’ve got these anger issues my entire life, but now I can see I was just mad at myself, and my step mom.
Agent J: Sir, I’m gonna need you to stop talking.
Agent AA: It’s like I’ve closed this emotional window. But yesterday I threw a brick right through that window, and I just wanna thank you for handing me that brick, J.
Agent J: Okay, whoever you are, I need you to give me five feet, or I’m gonna pluck you in your throat.
Agent AA: Okay, well I’m gonna go to the little men’s in black room and then we’ll go find those morons from Poxlythera. Lunch is on me.
[as he walks off he slaps J playfully on his ass, J stops another agent walking past him]
Agent J: Who was that?
MIB Agent: Double A, your partner.
[as no one seems to remember K at MIB headquarters, J thinks everybody is playing a trick on him]
Agent J: K? Alright. You got me. I’ll give it to you, it’s funny, very elaborate. Oh, and all of you…
[pointing to all the other agents]
Agent J: Fantastic performances. Okay, I believe you waited fourteen years to develop a sense of humor, but this was a good one. But, K, I need you to come out here now, cause I’m really startin’ to get a little bit pissed off.
Agent O: Agent J, would you mind keeping your voice down, and telling me who it is you are looking for?
Agent J: I’m looking for K!
Agent O: Who is K?
[J gets frustrated]
Agent J: You too? You too?
Agent O: I mean, who is he to you?
Agent J: My partner! Older gentleman. Hundred and ten, maybe a hundred and eleven years old, sort of surly, Elvis thing happenin’ with him. He smiles, like this…
[J scowls his face trying to imitate K’s face]
Agent O: I’ll take you to K.
Agent J: Thank you.
[O shows J a bunch of statue heads, honoring dead agents, of which one is of K’s head]
Agent J: What is that supposed to be?
Agent O: That’s K. He’s been dead for over forty years.
Agent J: No. Okay, see, the pre-requisite for a joke, is that it be funny.
Agent O: It’s never been funny.
[after O shows J on the computer how K was killed by Boris The Animal in 1969]
Agent J: That’s not what happened, I just looked at this report. K put Boris away…
Agent O: Agent K is dead!
Agent J: Well, I just talked to him last night!
Agent O: You are imagining things.
Agent J: I’m not imagining anything.
[O turns to another agent]
Agent O: I need a psyche team up here right now.
[O starts walking off]
Agent J: Aqua Velva after shave! I didn’t imagine that. Where every stakeout, endless hours of cowboy music. Where every morning with his coffee, and he’d say, ‘I’ll tell you something, slick. This coffee tastes like dirt.’ And I was supposed to say, ‘What do you expect? It was just ground this morning.’
[O repeats the same line and turns to J]
Agent O: How do you know that?
[the agent that had gone to get J some chocolate milk comes up to J with the milk]
Chocolate milk, sir.
Agent J: Where you been, man? It was like an hour ago.
[J starts chugging the chocolate milk]
Agent O: Wait. How long have you been craving chocolate iced dairy products?
Agent J: Just today.
Agent O: Are you experiencing headaches, dizziness, loss of balance?
Agent J: Mm-hmm.
Agent O: Agitation, depression?
Agent J: Hell, yeah!
Agent O: There are only two possibilities. One is you’ve been bitten by the Horbathion brain tick, you could die in horrible agony at any moment.
[suddenly O slaps J hard in the face]
Agent J: Aah!
Agent O: Dammit. It’s not the tick.
Agent J: Dammit it’s not the tick? There’s something worse than the tick?
Agent O: Mm.
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