[on the phone to the
Senator] Agent K: I
promised you the secrets of the universe, nothing more. Senator:
Well, what other secrets are there?
Agent J: So
there's some secrets out there that the universe don't know about?
[to Agent K] Agent J: I
am getting too old for this. I can only imagine how you feel.
[as J and K walk up to a
young thug graffiting on the wall] Agent J:
Knuckles, you know you're not supposed to be north of Canal Street! Thug: Who is
Knuckles? [a graffiti drawing
comes to life in front of the thug] Knuckles:
Just relax, punk. They're looking for me, not you! Agent J:
Crazy, right? Two grown men talking to the wall, wall talking back?
It's a mess. Hey, don't even worry about it. [J takes out his
neuralyzer and flashes the thug]
Agent K:
There are things out there you don't need to know. Agent J:
That's not the lie you told me when you recruited me!
Agent J: I'm
looking for K, have you seen him? Sort of a surly, older gentleman, and
he smiles like this... [J scowls his face
trying to imitate K's face] O: There is
no K. K has been dead for over forty years. Agent J: What?
O: Somehow
history has been rewritten. There has to be a reason this is happening,
and K seems to be a the center of it.
Agent J:
You're gonna send me back to 1969. Jeffrey:
First, we gotta get high. Agent J: My
man, for real? Jeffrey: No,
I mean really high. [cut to scene where J is
at the top of the Chrysler Building]
[at the top of the
Chrysler Building; Jeffrey hands J a device] Jeffrey:
Here,
take this, and all you have to do is jump. Agent J: You
want me to jump? Jeffrey:
Time
jump! [as J jumps off the
building] Jeffrey: You
have got twenty four hours! After that there is no coming back!
[to young K as they walk
into Andy Warhol's party] Agent J: Is
there anybody here who is not an alien?
Andy Warhol:
Dammit K! You trying to blow my cover? [Warhol takes off his
wig and glasses] Agent J:
Woh! Andy Warhol's one of us? Andy Warhol:
Who's the dumbass? Agent J:
Woh! You know, I don't have no problem pimp-slapping the
shiznit out of Andy Warhol. Andy Warhol: What?
[looking at
young K] Agent J: Hey
man, heck, how old are you? Young Agent K:
Twenty-nine. Agent J:
Ooph! You got some city miles on you.
Moonrise Kingdom (2012)
Trailer:
[writing messages to
each other] Sam Shakusky:
Dear Suzy, here's my plan. Suzy Bishop:
Dear,Sam, my answer is yes. Sam Shakusky: Dear
Suzy, when? Suzy Bishop: Dear
Sam, where? Sam Shakusky: Dear
Suzy, walk four hundred yards due north from your house through the
dirt path that has not got any name on it. Turn right and follow to the
end. I will meet you in the meadow.
[standing outside Sam's
tent] Scout Master Ward:
Shakusky, you in there? [goes into Sam's tent
and sees he's missing] Scout Master Ward: Jiminy
Cricket! He flew the coop!
Laura Bishop:
Walt, where the hell are you? Walt Bishop:
Right here. Laura Bishop: Does
it concern you that you're daughter's just run away from home? Walt Bishop: That's
a loaded question.
Captain Sharp:
Till help arrives, I'm deputizing the little guy, the skinny one and
the boy with the patch on his eye to come with me in the station wagon.
[looking at one of Sam's
paintings] Walt Bishop: What
am I looking at? Laura Bishop: He
does water colors, mostly landscapes, but a few nudes.
Social Services:
Where's the boy? I am told that he's just been struck by lightning. Scout Master Ward: It's
true.
Piranha 3DD (2012)
Trailer:
Maddy: Tell
me you did not replace our old lifeguards with strippers! Chet: Water
certified strippers.
Mr. Goodman:
These piranha spent eons in underground lakes and rivers. So fish can
become confused and try to enter manmade draining systems.
[introducing David
Hasselhoff] Chet: Ladies
and gentlemen, the most famous lifeguard of all time!
Chet: There's
something in the water!
[to David Hasselhoff] Hysteric Woman:
People are dying! Do something! David Hasselhoff:
First of all, I'm not a lifeguard, never was. Secondly, that is what
natural selection's all about.
Deputy Fallon:
Bring me my legs.
The Pirates! Band of
Misfits (2012)
Trailer:
Black Bellamy:
You wanna be Pirate of the Year? Do they just give it to the guy with
the fattest parrot? Pirate Captain:
She's not fat! She's just big boned. Black Bellamy: She's
fat, dude. [the parrot spits at
Bellamy] Black Bellamy: Oh,
God! Come on!
Pirate Captain: Behind
every Captain is a crew. Sure, some of you are ugly as a sea cucumber
and some of you are closer to being a chair or coat rack than a
pirate. And some of you are just fish I've dressed up in a hat. But
you're still the best crew a Captain could wish for.
Queen Victoria:
Do you have a name, Pirate Captain? Pirate Captain: They
call me The Pirate Captain.
Pirate Captain: You'll
see. I will be Pirate of the Year! And then you'll be laughing on the
other side of your faces. And believe me, that is a very painful thing
to do.
Pirate Captain: Here's
the plan. We go to London, we get a huge pile of booty, I enter Pirate
of the Year. I win! Bingo! Peg Leg Hastings:
But it's impossible odds! Pirate Captain: It's
only impossible if you stop to think about it.
Prometheus (2012)
Trailer:
Meredith Vickers:
A king has his reign, and then he dies. It's inevitable.
Charlie Holloway:
These were ancient civilizations that were separated by centuries, and
yet the same pictogram was discovered at every one of them.
Chance:
We're all here because of a map you two kids found in a cave. Elizabeth Shaw:
Not a map. An invitation. Chance: From
whom?
[referring to the
hieroglyphics they've found] David:
Please tell me you can read that. Elizabeth Shaw: Prometheus,
are you seeing this?
Janek:
Whatever that probe was picking up, it's reading lifeform. Charlie Holloway: Well,
what do you mean a lifeform?
David: Big
things have small beginnings.
Elizabeth Shaw: You
don't understand. I was wrong. We were so wrong! I'm so sorry.
Elizabeth Shaw: Overhead!
It's changing. Meredith Vickers: Changing
into what?
Janek:
There's a ship. David:
They're leaving. Elizabeth Shaw:
To go where? David: Earth.
Elizabeth Shaw: If
you we don't stop it, there won't be any home to go back to!
[Peter Weyland at
TED2023] Peter Weyland:
T.E. Lawrence, eponymously of Arabia but very much an Englishman,
favored pinching a burning match between his fingers to put it out.
When asked by his colleague, William Potter, to reveal his trick, how
is it he so effectively extinguished the flame without hurting himself
whatsoever, Lawrence just smiled and said, 'The trick, Potter, is not
minding it hurts.' The fire that danced at the end of that match was a
gift from the Titan Prometheus, a gift that he stole from the Gods.
When Prometheus was caught, and brought to justice for his theft. The
Gods, well, you might say they overreacted a little. The poor man was
tied to a rock, as an eagle ripped through his belly and ate his liver
over and over, day after day, ad infinitum. All because he gave us
fire. Our first true piece of technology, fire.
[continuing his speech
at TED2023] Peter Weyland:
100,000 BC; stone tools. 4,000 BC; the wheel. 900 AD; gunpowder, bit of
a game changer that one. 19th century; eureka, the lightbulb! 20th
century; the automobile, television, nuclear weapons, spacecrafts,
Internet. 21st century; biotech, nanotech, fusion and fission and M
theory, and that was just the first decade! We are now three months
into the year of our Lord, 2023. At this moment in our civilization, we
can create cybernetic individuals, who in just a few short years will
be completely indistinguishable from us. Which leads to an obvious
conclusion, we are the Gods now.
[concluding his speech
at TED2023] Peter Weyland:
To those of you who know me, you will be aware by now that my ambition
is unlimited. You know that I will settle for nothing short of
greatness, or I will die trying. To those of you who do not yet know
me, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Peter Weyland, and if
you'll indulge me, I'd like to change the world.
Rock of Ages (2012)
Trailer:
Dennis Dupree: This
place is about to become a sea of sweat, earth shattering
music and puke. So start drinking...now.
[interviewing Stacee] Constance Sack:
Your first album gave birth to some of rock's greatest anthems. What's
it like to be the Stacee Jaxx?
Stacee Jaxx:
Heyman, Dennis Dupree:
Hey, man. [points to his monkey] Stacee Jaxx: No,
this is Heyman.
Justice Charlier:
That stage is a pedestal. When you're up there, you're untouchable.
Patricia Whitmore:
This club is totally out of control!
Dennis Dupree: Our
whole existence is riding on Stacee Jaxx.
Dennis Dupree: Oh,
my God! I just threw up! Lonnie:
Where? Dennis Dupree: In
my pants.
Patricia Whitmore: This
man spews out three things! Sex! Hateful music! And...sex!
Stacee Jaxx: I'm
gonna light this place on fire.
Lonnie: Ladies
and gentlemen, the icon of rock! The legendary Stacee Jaxx!
Safety Not Guaranteed
(2012)
Trailer:
Bridget:
Writers, does anybody have an idea for a story? Jeff: How
about uh...this time travel ad? A guy writes a classified that reads;
'Wanted - Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke.
You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety
not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.' I wanna find this
guy. You know? See if maybe he believes in this stuff. I don't know, I
think it could be funny. Bridget: You
wanna do it? Jeff: Could
I get a couple of interns, help me with the research? [Darius and Arnau put up
their hands] Darius Britt:
I'll do it. Arnau: Me,
too, please! Me! Jeff: Alright,
give me the lesbian and the Indian and I got a story.
Darius Britt: What
makes you think he'll won't slam the door in my face too? Arnau: Probably
none of the other people were beautiful girls. Jeff: Easy
on her now.
Darius Britt: Do
you sell guns here? Something sexy and affordable with killing power? Kenneth: Is
there a past problem? Darius Britt: Well,
if your ad had been written properly, I may have a better idea of what
I need. I hope you worked harder on your calibrations. Kenneth: My
calibrations are flippin' pinpoint, okay? Darius Britt: Mm. Kenneth: Did
you ever face certain death? Darius Britt: If
it was so certain, I wouldn't be here, would I.
Arnau: What's
wrong with this guy? Darius Britt: What
makes you think there's something wrong with him? Jeff: Cause
he thinks he can go back in time.
Darius Britt: What
are you going back for? Kenneth: The
mission has to do with regret, mistakes.
Kenneth: No
matter how tempting it would be, we're never, ever, gonna say;'Hey,
leave you Star Wars figurines in the box, cause they'll be worth like
hundreds more.'
Darius Britt: So,
Kenneth, why are you looking for a partner? Kenneth: The
world is mostly full of jank-holes.
Jeff: Take
those creepy glasses off and put these on you. [he takes Arnau's
glasses off and puts sun glasses on him] Jeff: That
dude right there crushes chicks.
Kenneth: I
believe that there are appearances out there and that's why I put that
ad in the paper.
[to Darius] Kenneth: You
come to that launch site, you take my hand, and I'll show you who can't
time travel.
Seeking a Friend for the
End of the World (2012)
Trailer:
Penny: So,
what are you doing with the rest of your life? Dodge:
Catching up on some me time, find God, maybe move around some chairs. Penny: Maybe
I'll run into you in an orgy or something. Dodge: That
sounds nice.
[to his cleaning lady] Dodge: Listen,
Elsa, you don't have to come next week or ever, if you don't want to.
It's okay. Elsa: You
firing me? Dodge: There's
just no need. [she looks at him in
confusion] Dodge: Forget
it. Elsa: See
you next Wednesday, Mr. Dodge. Dodge: I
regret my entire life. Elsa: Okay. Dodge: Okay. Elsa: Bye! Dodge: Bye
now.
Roache: The
sky is falling. I'd be with a different girl every day. You don't care
about diseases, or you gotta call 'em back, or are you related. Dodge: You
know, no, I don't. I don't...I don't. Roache: You
don't?
Dodge: Luckily
I'm getting my mid-life crisis in just under the wire.
[after getting stopped
for speeding] Penny: Given
that... [points to the sky and
whistles] Penny: Couldn't
you find it in your heart to give my friend here, a fighting chance of
being with the one he loves, before we all reach our untimely
conclusion? Officer Wally Johnson:
No.
Snow White and the
Huntsman (2012)
Trailer:
Queen Ravenna:
Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is fairest of them all? Mirror Man: You
are the fairest. But there is another destined to surpass you.
Mirror Man:
My queen you have to fight nature and rob it of its fairest fruit. But
on this day there is one more beautiful than you. Queen Ravenna: Who
is it? Mirror Man: Snow
White. She is the reason your powers wain. Take her heart in your hand
and you shall never again need to consume youth. You shall never again
weaken or age.
Queen Ravenna:
Do you hear that? It's the sound of battles fought and lives lost. It
once pained me to know that I am the cause of such despair. But now
their cries give me strength. Beauty is my power.
Snow White:
What does she want from me? Finn: Your
beating heart. [suddenly she strikes
Finn n the face with a nail and runs out of her prison cell]
[after Snow White
escapes] Queen Ravenna: [shouting] Where is
she? Finn: She
was chased into the Dark Forest, where the men lost her. [Ravenna strikes Finn in
the face in anger]
Queen Ravenna: Find
me someone who doesn't fear the Dark Forest to hunt her down.
Queen Ravenna: You
are one of few who has ventured into the Dark Forest. One of my
prisoners has escaped there. The Huntsman:
Well then he's dead. Queen Ravenna: She. The Huntsman: Then
she is certainly dead. Queen Ravenna: Find
her, bring her to me. The Huntsman:
Why is she of such value? Queen Ravenna:
That is none of your concern. The Huntsman: And
if I refuse? [the queen's guards all
level their spears at him]
Queen Ravenna: I
should have killed her when she was a child. I need her heart beating
with blood.
Queen Ravenna: Lips
red as blood. Hair black as night. Bring me your heart, my dear, dear
Snow White.
The Huntsman: Who
are you? Why does the queen want you dead? Snow White: You
should know, you're the one hunting me!
[as they are captured by
the dwarves and hanging upside down from a tree] The Huntsman: Oh,
no! Dwarves. Coll: Kill
'em both! Duir: Yeah,
he's caused us nothing but trouble. Coll: I
don't like killing girls. Duir: I'll
do it. Coll: Good.
Gort: She's
pretty. Beith: Who
is she? Snow White: My
father was King Magnus. Beith: Does
she speak the truth? Muir: Yes.
Where she leads I follow.
Muir: You
have eyes, Huntsman, but you cannot see. She is the one. I see an end
to the darkness.
Snow White: I've
seen what she sees. I can kill her.
That's My Boy (2012)
Trailer:
Todd Levine:
You were basically the worst parent ever! Donny Levine:
I was awesome! Todd Levine:
You let me eat cake and lollipops for breakfast every day! Donny Levine:
That's what you asked for! Todd Levine:
You're supposed to say no! Donny Levine:
I didn't know what I was doing! I was 13,14 years old! Todd Levine: Do
you know what I remember? Is me having to drive you home from the beach
that time because you were too drunk! Donny Levine: Somebody's
hammered, they have another guy drive home! Todd Levine: I
was eight! Donny Levine: And
you fuckin' drove like a champ too. Huh?
Donny Levine: So
what did the IRS say? Randall Morgan:
Three years in prison. You haven't paid taxes since 94, Donny! Donny Levine: What
are we talking about? Fifty, sixty bucks? Randall Morgan: Forty
three thousand. Donny Levine: Fuuuck!
No!
[reading an article from
a magazine] Donny Levine:
Holy cow, that's my boy! He moved out when he turned eighteen, I
haven't seen him since. Brie: It
says here he's one of the youngest hedge fund managers in the
financial industry. Champale:
Maybe your son can help you.
Jamie: Todd,
your old man is here. Donny Levine:
WASSUP! [Todd spits out his
drink] Todd Levine: Donny,
what are you doing here? Donny Levine: What
type of guy would miss his son's wedding?
[as Todd steps out of
the shower] Donny Levine: You
wear a bathing suit in the shower? Todd Levine: I
can't even take my shirt off in front of other people. Donny Levine:
What'd I do to his back? Todd Levine:
Let me jog your memory. [Todd turns his back and
there's a giant tattoo of The New Kids on the Block on his
back] Donny Levine:[laughing] The
New Kids on the Block! The heads are all warped now! Todd Levine:
That's because I got it in third grade, my body grew! [Donny continues to
laugh] Todd Levine: You
suck.
[as they are drinking at
a spa club at Todd's bachelor party, Donny spits out his drink] Donny Levine: What
the fuck is this? Mrs. Ravensdale:
It's water infused with cucumber, rose petal and harvest sandylion. Donny Levine: It
tastes like fucking dick infused with balls! We can't let tonight end
like this
Donny Levine:
I promise you, I'll never forget you again. [Donny gives him a gift] Todd Levine:
You got me a gift? [he opens the box and
sees a feather earing]
An earring? But I don't have a pierced ear. Donny Levine:
Yeah. [Donny gets hold of
Todds head and jams the earring onto his ear] Todd Levine:
Oh, God! Am I bleeding? [Todd turns his face and
there's blood smeared all over his face] Donny Levine:
I don't think so.
Jamie: Oh my
God! I just found my wedding dress covered in barf! And something
else... [she inspects the dress] Jamie: You
puked on my dress and then fucked it! [Donny laughs at Todd] Donny Levine:
You're a madman!
Think Like a Man (2012)
Trailer:
Steve Harvey:
Ladies, until you understand the mindset of a man, you
are never gonna win in the game of love.
What to Expect When
You're Expecting (2012)
Trailer:
[talking on stage in
front of an audience of women] Wendy: I
just wanted the glow. I wanted what they promise you on the
cover of those magazines. Well, I'm calling it. Pregnancy sucks! Making
a human being is really hard. I have no control over my body or my
emotions. [looking over towards
her husband standing at the back of the audience] Wendy: Carebear,
I'm sorry. All I wanna do is punch you in the face! [her husband smiles and
gives her the thumbs up]
Jules: If I
knew I was gonna have a rack this gorgeous I would have gotten knocked
up years ago.
Alex: You
dropped your kid on the changing table? Gabe: That
just happens, okay? Last week my kid ate a cigarette. Craig: I
caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. Patel: I
picked up the wrong baby from day care. Gabe: I
found my baby swimming in the toilet. [they high five each
other and Alex shakes his head; Gabe turns to Alex] Gabe: No
judgy!
[giving advice to
pregnant women in the hospital] Wendy: Breast
is best! [Janice puts up her hand] Wendy: Yes? Janice: I
was breast fed myself till I was six and look how good I turned out.
[as they watch a
glamorous looking pregnant woman walk by wearing high heels] Wendy: My
God! She's wearing six inch heels! Janice: Oh,
she's like a magical pregnancy unicorn.
Alex: I've
been looking at houses with Holly, but we're not buying.
the other dads laugh Vic: Bro,
bro, when you're wife says you're just looking at houses, you're buying
a house. Alex: No,
I'm not. Vic: Oh,
yes you are. Alex: No,
I'm not buying a house. Vic: Check
your receipts. Gabe: Welcome
to S Group, bitch!
Wendy: I
want epidural! Yes! Gary: You
said you didn't want it and you said that even if you did ask for it,
that that would just be the crazy talking. [suddenly Wendy slaps
Gary in the face and shouts] Wendy: Gary,
get me the juice!
[referring to the dudes
group] Kara: It's
like Fight Club, only there's no fighting and everybody has babies.
[to Alex] Vic: It's
cool. You don't have a kid yet, you're still on the other side. Craig: Stay
on that side, Alex. This is the side where happiness goes to die.
