you called the right guy. I'm in, let me see number two. What is it? [he takes Ingrid's list
of resolutions from her and reads them] Paul: Go to
Bali. Breakfast at Tiffany's. You wanna save a life. [to Ingrid] Paul: Are
you kidding me? That's physically impossible. I don't understand what
you're talking about. I don't understand what you want me to do here. Ingrid: Use
your imagination. Paul: We're
gonna need a big boat.
Ava. I was hoping maybe you could help me out. Ava: Oh,
what is it? Is it writers' block? Because if it is, I've been jotting
down these lyrics. Jensen:
They're in Spanish now, but I'm going to translate them.
Come...Come here. [thinking he wants to
kiss her she comes closer to him] Jensen: No.
Not like that. I need you to help me convince Laura that I made a
mistake. Ava: When? Jensen: It
was last New Year's eve. Ava: What
did you do to her? Jensen: Nothing.
I asked her to marry me. Ava: That's
beautiful. Jensen: Yeah,
but then I got cold feet because I wasn't ready for it. Ava: That's
horrible! You were the one who proposed! In my country when a man gets
down on one knee, it's because he either wants to get married or he's
been shot. Sometimes it's been because of both. Jensen: No.
No. It just, it all came at me too fast and I wasn't ready for it and I
had to go back on the road, and I just didn't wanna deal with it. Ava: You
should have talked to her. That's what women like, we like to talk. Jensen: I
tried. I just can't get a worked in edgewise between slaps.
[as Ava is talking to
Jensen Laura comes up behind them and overhears their conversation] Ava: Do you
want to know what I think? Laura: Well
I sure would. Ava: Ha!
Hi, Laura. This is not what it looks like. No. Laura: No? Ava: No. Laura: It's
not my ex-boyfriend telling our whole sad saga to my new sous chef? Ava: Yeah,
pretty much that's what it is. Be strong. Hold your ground. But don't
look into his eyes because they're beautiful. [Ava walks off and Laura
looks at Jensen] Laura: Truce? Jensen: Truce.
you hear the new record? Laura: No. [he looks disappointed
and she smiles at him] Laura: Yeah. Jensen: What
d'you think? Laura: You
know I wanted to hate it, I really did. But I loved it. I thought it
was great, except for the picture you chose for the cover. [she imitates him
smiling from ear to ear] Laura: It
was a little too much bronzer!
a little overwhelmed and frazzled by this job tonight, so I apologize
for slapping you...the second time. Jensen: I'm
sorry I ran, Laura. Laura: No,
Daniel. You sprinted. I mean... [in the background one
of her chef's breaks something and calls out for her] Laura: I
gotta get back to work. Focus on tonight, so. Jensen: What
about tomorrow? We're going back on tour and I'd really love it if
you'd come with me. We could fix this. Laura: Yeah,
sure. I'll just...I'll go pack a bag. Meet you at the bus? Come on! I
can't go back on tour with you. I did your life, I have my life too.
You really don't get it, do you? Jensen: What's
there to get? I'm ready to commit. I'm ready. Laura: Yeah.
Yeah. Me too. I'm ready to commit to what I really love. My work. I
can't do this again with you, Daniel. [she turns and leaves]
[back in the
elevator Elise and Randy are still trapped] Elise: So
how come you have no where to be? Randy: Isn't
it obvious? I mean, New Year's is the worst night of all to go out.
It's total amateur night. People who don't drink or go nuts all year
suddenly go all Kanye on you. It's like a war zone out there. Elise: That's
because they have something to be excited about. I have something to be
excited about. Randy: Oh!
Oh! Oh! Who are you gonna kiss at midnight? Oh, and then it's one big
giant let down. See that's the problem with New Year's. Everybody
builds up such high expectations that they're inevitably utterly
[Elise notices the hatch
on the elevator ceiling] Elise: Hey,
can you get through that ceiling hatch? Randy: I am
not Spider-Man. Elise: Clearly.
is this neighborhood? Is it safe? Paul: Give
it a chance. That should be on your resolution list; give Paul a chance.
[Paul opens the door of
a dirty building to reveal an indoor paradise, the Bali Garden Spa] Paul: Ingrid
Whithers, welcome to Bali. Ingrid: It's
Bali! Paul: It's
Brooklyn. It's a spa.
[back at the hospital
Tess tries to eat anchovies to induce labor] Nurse Risa:
I'm sorry, we really can't take you this early yet. Dr. Morriset says
that you're not ready. So you'll have to come back in a few hours. Griffin Byrne: We
may not have been ready, but now she's eating anchovies which the
internet claims induce labor. Tess Byrne: If
only you can keep it down. Nurse Risa: Yeah,
but it really doesn't go that fast. [Tess puts the anchovy
in her mouth but immediately spits it out] Tess Byrne: No!
I can't do it. I can't do it. Nurse Risa: Excuse
me. [Nurse Risa leaves them] Griffin Byrne: I'm
sorry. [he kisses Tess on the
forehead] Tess Byrne: I
tried. I can't do it anymore. Griffin Byrne: You
need a breath mint.
[Tess and Griffin notice
that Grace and James Schwab are being checked into the hospital] Griffin Byrne: Hey,
good to see you again. James Schwab: You
must be joking, cause inside I'm laughing really really hard. You
really think you can come into this at the last minute and steal our
money? Griffin Byrne:
I'm sorry, are you being serious? James Schwab: You're
even bigger numbnuts than you look. [he picks up the can of
anchovies] James Schwab: This
little fish won't save you. You probably don't even know that yams can
kick start labor. Griffin Byrne:
Well, yeah. Actually we do. Tess Byrne:
Yeah! Griffin Byrne:
In fact, at this moment my wife is full of yams. But thank you. Tess Byrne:
Crammed with yams. James Schwab: Snap!
It doesn't! It stops pre-term labor.
[to Tess; referring to
James just snapping
his finger at him] Griffin Byrne:
Did he just snap me in the maternity ward? [to James] Griffin Byrne:
Hey, you're really a hostile guy. Where do you work? The DMV? James Schwab: No.
I run a charm school. Griffin Byrne:
Oh, yeah? Where's your charm school? Guantanamo? James Schwab:
It's on forty eighth in Madison and you should come by, cause you could
really use some charm. [he hands Griffin his
business card] Griffin Byrne:
He actually works in a charm school. Tess Byrne:
No way! [he gives Tess the card
which has written on it 'Prince of Charming Charms School'] Tess Byrne:
Oh! Prince of Charming!
[after Nurse Rosa has
just told Grace and James they can't check in yet either] Grace Schwab: I'm
sorry, James. James Schwab: It's
not your fault. Griffin Byrne: I'm
sorry too. James Schwab: Right. Griffin Byrne: Also,
it's on now, Prince Charming. James Schwab: You
bet! [Tess stands and points
her pregnant belly towards Grace's pregnant belly] Griffin Byrne: What
are you doing, honey? Tess Byrne: Oh,
it's on. Grace Schwab: I'm
sorry? Griffin Byrne: Oh,
no. Grace Schwab: What's
on? Tess Byrne: Oh,
yeah. This? It's on. Griffin Byrne: Come
on. Let's go, honey. Nobody wants to watch the pregnant women fight.
Come on. [Grace still not
understanding what Tess is referring to] Grace Schwab: Something's
on! [both couples turn and
knew you gave up your own plans tonight just to be with me. I can't
become your everything, mom. Please don't become a Piper's mom! Kim: A
what? A Piper's mom? What? You mean like Joanna? Hailey: Yes. Piper'
mom, she...she hides in the bushes everyday just to make sure that
Piper actually goes to school. It's...it's nuts. Kim: Okay.
Well, come on! I'm not that bad. Hailey: Mom,
you've stopped trying. Okay? And you're being all clingy and mean. And
it's because you don't have a man in your life. You really gotta find
somebody. Look, mom, you're a hot woman. If you just, you know, lose
the clogs maybe. Kim: I'm
sorry, but I am trying and I would like you to try just have our New
Year's party. [Kim starts singing
Happy New Year's tune] Hailey: Okay,
mom, no more. I'm over it. I'm over it and I'm over you. [Hailey goes into her
room and slams the door shut]
[the tow truck driver
finds Sam a ride into New York, the pastor from Sam's friends wedding] Harley: So,
my cousin here tells me you need a lift? Sam: Cousin? Pastor Edwin:
Yep. I'm taking my wife and kids in to see the Radio City Rockettes, we
do it every New Year's Day. Harley: Ever
seen the Rockettes? [he winks at Sam] Pastor Edwin: I'd
be happy to give you a lift. You wanna pitch in for gas? Sam: Hell,
yeah! I'll pay for all the gas. Harley: Don't
say hell to him! He's a Pastor! [to the Pastor;
referring to the bible in his hand] Harley: Show
him the book. [to Sam] Harley: And
give me my pen back! I can never understand people with hair.
[back at the hospital
Aimee looks in on Stan] Nurse Aimee:
You've been here for weeks. First no radiation and now no chemo. Why? Stan Harris: What's
the difference? You know, why delay the inevitable outcome? When I was
a photographer in Vietnam, I'd see death all the time. But this,
nothing prepared me for this. Nurse Aimee: I
promise I'm gonna make you as comfortable as I can, okay? Stan Harris: Just
get me to midnight, then we're even. Nurse Aimee: Okay.
I'll be back.
[referring to the
puppy Ingrid has adopted at the Adopt A Pet Center] Paul: What
are we gonna name him? Something manly, like Kong. Ingrid: How
about Mr. Snugglepuss? Paul: Snugglepuss?
You can decide on the name later. Anyways, look what you just did? You
saved a life! Check.
[in Times Square and
Ryan Seacrest is feeling the pressure of the crowd when the
giant ball gets stuck on its way up he turns to one his production crew] Ryan Seacrest:
Cause I'm starting to feel a bit of pressure. I don't like to feel
pressure. Pressure's not a very good feel and it messes with my hair. I
need my hair to be up, like the ball! [as Claire and her crew
try to fix the problem with the giant ball] Ryan Seacrest: This
would never have happened to Dick Clark.
[as Sam is getting a
ride with the Pastor and his family in the giant RV] Maude: So
what's the speech about, Sam? Sam: Like I
said, I haven't even written it yet. I guess I'm...I'm still looking
for the inspiration. [he laughs] Maude: What
inspires you, Sam? Sam: Pizza. Duncan:
[Paul takes Ingrid to
the art museum where they have a miniature reproduction of the New York
boroughs] Paul: And
now the very best part; walk all five boroughs in one day. I'm crossing
that off the list.
[after leaving a message
for Randy telling him about Ingrid and referring to her as
pathetic, he then turns to read from Ingrid's list of
resolutions] Paul: Right.
Next up, is to be amazed. [to himself] Paul: Which
is very vague. I will be amazed if I can come up with something. But I
will. [Ingrid walks up to Paul
and is upset after overhearing Paul referring to her as pathetic] Ingrid: I
don't want to do this anymore. Paul: Why?
What are you talking about? Ingrid: I'm
pathetic. Dude! [she slams the tickets
to the ball into his hands and turns to walk away] Paul: Hey.
Wait! Where are you going? Ingrid: Staten
Miss Morgan, we're not really sure what's wrong. Claire Morgan: How
long is it gonna take to be sure? Engineer Douglas: I
don't know. It could be a couple of minutes, it could be a couple of
hours, maybe more. Claire Morgan: Well,
we don't have a couple of hours or maybe more. We only have...midnight.
I have one job tonight, to make sure, even if I have to do it with my
own two hands, that ball descends at midnight. Can't move midnight! [the Engineer looks down] Claire Morgan: Why
are you looking at your shoes? I hate it when you look at your shoes.
When you look at your shoes it means you're not telling me something.
What are you not telling me? Engineer Douglas: We
need Kominsky. Claire Morgan: The Kominsky? [the Engineer nods his
[Griffin comes home and
finds Tess standing on her head] Griffin Byrne: What
are you doing? Tess Byrne: Yoga.
It's supposed to help. Griffin Byrne: I'm
no expert, but it seems like that would just the baby in the wrong
Tess Byrne: You're
gonna make such a good veterinarian some day, Griff. Griffin Byrne: Thanks.
And if you were a horse, I'd know better what to do. Of course, if you
were a horse, we'd never get invited to dinner parties and I'd be
married to a horse.
[taking a sniff from the
small bottle] Griffin Byrne: This
smells awful. Drink it. [Tess shakes her head] Tess Byrne: Mmumm. Griffin Byrne: What?
It's castor oil. Mary Poppins swore by this. Tess Byrne: Mary
Poppins also danced with cartoon penguins. You first. Griffin Byrne: You're
a coward. [he takes a swig from
the bottle but nearly spits it out as it's so disgusting] Tess Byrne: I'm
sensing a thumps down. Griffin Byrne: Oh,
Mary Poppins sucks! Tess Byrne: Well
you forgot about the spoon full of sugar.
[after feeling a twinge] Tess Byrne: What
was that? Griffin Byrne: What
was what? Tess Byrne: Oh,
my gosh! My water broke! Griffin Byrne: All
of it? Tess Byrne: Oh...well
what do you think? Griffin Byrne: Well,
that's too early! Can you turn it off? Tess Byrne: And
how do you suggest I do that? Griffin Byrne: I
don't know! Yoga! Why don't you get back upside down? You can't do a
downward dog or an upward dog. Do one of the dogs!
[back at the hospital
Aimee is sitting with Stan while he's dosing] Stan Harris: Haven't
you been here all day? When do you go home?
Nurse Aimee: Just
before midnight. Stan Harris: Oh. Nurse Aimee: You
know what? I don't care about all that hoopla and stuff anyway. Stan Harris: So
no big plans or party? Nurse Aimee: No. Stan Harris: No
hot date? A pretty girl like you. Nurse Aimee: Well,
maybe. But right now you're my hot date. Stan Harris: Why? Nurse Aimee: Pardon
me? Stan Harris: Why
are you being nice to me? I'm an ass. I've spent my entire life being
an ass. I don't know how to stop. Nurse Aimee: Well,
you know what, Stan? Maybe being an ass is the reason you've gotten
every single thing you ever wanted in life. Stan Harris: Not
[Randy and Elise are
still stuck in the elevator] Randy: I'm
sorry I called you a groupie. We're stuck in an elevator together, you
really, you're not gonna talk to me at all? Elise: Fine.
We can talk. But as long as we're making assumptions about each other,
why don't I give it a shot? You grew up in suburben, fill in the blank.
You went to la-di-da liberal art school. You didn't have enough drive
to get a real job and then you grew half a beard and moved to Manhattan
on your grandmother's inheritence. And...and now you think that, you
know, just because you moved somewhere that you're cool. But the truth
is that, it just, it doesn't! Okay? Because you're just some wanna be
hipster who judges everything because you're too scared to take a
chance on anything. And...and you know my guess is that this whole
hatred for New Year's comes from just some boring as hell prom queen
who broke you heart on New Year's Eve in high school. So, am I close? Randy: Suberban
Maryland. Tufts University. And I am comic book artist. Elise: You
draw. Randy: I
illustrate. And it was in college, when she broke it. And this beard
took me like a year to grow. [they both smile] Randy: Cold
coffee? [he holds out the flask
[back on the giant RV
Sam is making small talk with the Pastor's family] Sam: Last
year there were so many speaches that I had to get outside and get some
fresh air, so I actually went out and got a pizza. Maude: Did
anything else happen? [Sam looks down] Maude: Oh,
my! Something else did happen, didn't it? Sam: Yes. Grandpa Jed:
Is it R-rated? Maude: Dad! Sam: I met
a woman and she was extraordinary. [to her son] Maude: It's
gonna have a goose bump ending! Pastor Edwin: Well
take your time telling it, because here comes the traffic. [Granpa Jed comes up
behind Sam] Grandpa Jed: Extraordinary
build? Sam: I have
to get to this party.
Masquerade Ball] Penny Marshall:
You're an actress, right? Ahern Waitress:
Yeah! I've played a nurse, a cop, a teacher. Penny Marshall: How
about playing a waitress and get me another drink?