By John Luxton (New Zealand)


Jesus Wept

If ever there was evidence that God doesn’t exist, it was on display the other day when my old mate and I went to see Noah. Everything was perfect. We were at the Lido, so good coffee, sumptuous couches and a lovely ambiance.

Now, I talked him into going to this movie. He’s a good friend and willing to be guided by friends he trusts. My guilt will linger. Should I have been tipped off by the “Russell Crowe-ness” of it? Hmmm, probably. Should the fact that it’s an American film dealing with biblical issues have sent a quiver of uncertainty through me, given how a majority of the population of America seem to believe in talking snakes and naughty fruit? I suspect so.

But, I’m a man of leisure at the moment and game for almost anything. So, along old friend and I go. Let it suffice to say that this is the first time I have ever felt it necessary to write a movie review. This movie is long. Actually, I’m not sure how long it is, but time loses meaning when dealing with an entire Universe that takes seven days to create. My suspicion is that it took a bit longer than that and in some bizarre space/time continuum thing, we sat through the whole lot. From nothing to explosions, fig leaves, then utter embarrassment. Everything in real time. Incidentally, the utter embarrassment wasn’t caused by what the fig leaves concealed.

I’d hate to spoil this epic, but who knew Gollum and the Tree People (or whatever they were) were part of God’s big plan? Only they aren’t tree people, but Rock People. I’m not sure and I would hate to presume but I suspect the Rock People who helped Noah build the boat, smite the baddies and redeem humanity were loosely based on the Rolling Stones. It might have been The Who, but it’s hard to tell. Those big boys rock. Is this what they call allegory?

I’ve seen bad movies. We have all seen bad movies, but this is a special kind of travesty. It isn’t just a visual cold sore though. It assaults all senses. Every last over-wrought bit of pseudo-biblical stupidity is matched with music that is at one time both turgid and tremulous. My seven year old daughter doesn’t like going to the movies with me because I have a tendency to snore during the film. I suspect we can all relate to why that might be possible during films appropriate to seven year olds.

Noah was spent in a theatre with people who, if I guessed accurately, were probably around when this all happened the first time. I don’t know about the elderly inmates we shared the cinema with, but those are 7 days I will never, ever get back. I said at the start that this film was evidence that God cannot exist. The fact that I slept for some of it contradicts that thesis.

So, I am here to tell you that there is a God and she has absolutely no sense of humour. Or does she?

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