Office Space Quotes

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[Peter in casual clothes is sitting at his cubicle with only one wall, munching chips and playing computer game]
Bill Lumbergh: So, Peter, what’s happening? Aahh, now, are you going to go ahead and have those TPS reports for us this afternoon?
Peter Gibbons: No.
Bill Lumbergh: Uh. Yeah. So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk. Hmm?
Peter Gibbons: Not right now, Lumbergh, I’m…I’m kind of busy. In fact, look, I’m gonna have to ask you to go ahead and come back another time. I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes.
Bill Lumbergh: Uh, I wasn’t aware of a meeting with them.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, they called me at home.
[Peter walks away]
Bill Lumbergh: That sounds good, Peter. And uh, we’ll go ahead and get this all
fixed up for you. Great.


 

Bill Lumbergh: Hi, Milton. What’s happening?
Milton Waddams: I, I, I, I, I didn’t receive my paycheck this week.
Bill Lumbergh: Um, you’re gonna have to talk to Payroll about that.
Milton Waddams: I did and, and they said…
Bill Lumbergh: Milt, we’re gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs into Storage B.
Milton Waddams: No…I…I…
Bill Lumbergh: Uh, we have some new people coming in and we need all the space we can
get.
Milton Waddams: No…no, I was told, if, no…no…but there’s no space…
Bill Lumbergh: So if you could just go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific. Okay?
[he walks away]
Milton Waddams: Uh, excuse me. I believe you have my staple?


 

Bob Porter: Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.
[they all start laughing]


 

Bob Slydell: I…I’m sure you…you’ve, you’ve heard some of the rumors circulating around the hallways about how we’re going to be doing a little ‘housecleaning’ with some of the software people.
Peter Gibbons: Well, Bob, I have heard that and you gotta do what you gotta do.
Bob Porter: We’re gonna be getting rid of these people here. Uh, first, Mr. Samir Nagahe…
Bob Slydell: Naga…
Bob Porter: Naga…Not gonna work here anymore, anyway!
[the Bobs laugh]


 

Bob Slydell: And Mr. Mike Bolton. Who’s gonna miss him?
Peter Gibbons: You’re gonna layoff Samir and Michael?
Bob Porter: Oh, yeah. We’re gonna bring in some uh, entry level graduates for us to work in Singapore, that’s the usual deal.
Bob Slydell: Well, it’s standard operating procedure.
Peter Gibbons: Do they know about this yet?
Bob Slydell: No! No, of course not. We find it’s always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there’s less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week. Anyway, Peter, what we would like to do is put you into a position to have as many as four people working right underneath you.
Bob Porter: This is a big promotion, Pete.
Bob Slydell: It’s huge.
Peter Gibbons: So you guys are gonna fire Mike and Samir, and you’re gonna give me more money?
[both Bob’s nod]
Peter Gibbons: Wow!


 

[after Peter’s just been told by the Bob’s that Michael and Samir are to be laid off]
Peter Gibbons: Michael, there comes a point in a man’s life and maybe that time for you is
now, when it doesn’t hurt to start think about the future.
Michael Bolton: Uh, no offense, there, Peter, but speak for yourself there, sport. I’m not the one who’s been flaking out at work. I know you had this religious experience or whatever the hell that was, but you better snap out of it and get your shit together or you’re gonna get canned.


 

Peter Gibbons: Listen, that virus you’re always talking about. Like the one that could uh, rip off the company for a bunch of money.
Michael Bolton: Yeah? What about it?
Peter Gibbons: Well, how does it work?
Michael Bolton: It’s pretty brilliant. What it does is every time there’s a bank transaction where interest is computed, you know, thousands a day, the computer ends up with these fractions of a cent, which it usually rounds off. What this does is it takes those remainders and puts it into an account.
Peter Gibbons: This sounds familiar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah. They did it in Superman III.
Peter Gibbons: Right
Michael Bolton: Yeah. Not a great movie actually. And then there were a bunch of hackers that did this in the 70’s as well. One of them got busted.
Peter Gibbons: Well, so they check for this now?
Michael Bolton: No, here’s the thing. Initech’s so backed up with all the software we’re updating for the year 2000, they’d never notice.
Peter Gibbons: You’re right. And even if they wanted to, they couldn’t check all that code.
Michael Bolton: Thumbs up their asses. Thumbs up their asses.
Peter Gibbons: So, Michael, what’s to stop you from doing this?
Michael Bolton: It’s not worth the risk. I got a good job.
Peter Gibbons: What if you didn’t have a good job?


 

[after finding out that they are to be laid off]
Michael Bolton: Cockos! Samir and I are the best programmers they got at that place. And you, you haven’t been showing up and you get to keep your job.
Peter Gibbons: Actually, I’m being promoted.
Michael Bolton: What?!
Peter Gibbons: I know, Michael. It’s completely unfair. And I realized something today. It’s not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It’s about all of us together. I don’t know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don’t know, maybe it was just shock and it’s wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die, Michael, we don’t have a lot of time on this earth! We weren’t meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.


 

Michael Bolton: I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton’s music.
Peter Gibbons: Oh. That is not right, Michael. For five years now, you’ve worked your ass
off at Initech, hoping for a promotion or some kind of profit sharing or something. Five years of your mid-twenties now, gone. And you’re gonna go in tomorrow and they’re gonna throw you out on the street. You know why? So that Bill Lumbergh’s stock will go up a quarter of a point.
Michael Bolton: [angrily] Ahh!
Peter Gibbons: Michael, let’s make that stock go down. And let’s take enough money out of that place so that we never, ever have to sit in a cubicle ever again. Your software works, right?
Michael Bolton: Of course it works. That’s not the point. Look, even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t know how to install it. I don’t know the credit union software loan well enough, okay?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. But Samir does.


 

[after Peter’s told Samir about his plan of stealing from Initech]
Peter Gibbons: Look, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m tired of being pushed around. Aren’t you?
Samir: Yes, Peter, but I’m not going to do anything illegal.
Peter Gibbons: Illegal? Samir, this is America! Come on, sit down. Come on! This isn’t Riyadh. You know they’re not gonna saw your hands off here, all right? The worst they would ever do is they would put you for a couple of months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort! Shit, we should be so lucky! Do you know, they have conjugal visits there?
Samir: Really?
Peter Gibbons: Yes.
Michael Bolton: Shit. I’m a free man and I haven’t had a conjugal visit in six months.


 

[trying to decide if he should go along with Peter’s plan of stealing from Initech]
Peter Gibbons: Samir, you came here looking for a land of opportunity. And this is the knock of that opportunity. Tomorrow’s your last day at Initech. You have two options; unemployment or early retirement. What’s it gonna be?
Samir: I have a question.
Peter Gibbons: Yes?
Samir: In…in these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?
Peter Gibbons: Yep, you sure can.
Samir: Okay, I’ll do it.
Peter Gibbons: That’s what I’m talking about! I’m talking about America!


 

[referring to their plan to steal from Initech] office-space-12
Peter Gibbons: But listen, before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God, Allah, that nobody knows about this but us, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody.
Samir: Of course.
Michael Bolton: Agreed.
[from the next apartment through the wall]
Lawrence: Don’t worry, man. I won’t tell anyone either.
Michael Bolton: Who the fuck is that?
Peter Gibbons: No, don’t worry about him. He’s cool. All right.


 

[Drew’s just told Peter, Samir and Michael the story of Tom getting laid off and his botched suicide attempt and getting hit by a drunk driver]
Peter Gibbons: Is he okay?
Drew: Sort of. He broke both his wrists, legs, a couple of ribs, his back. But check it out. He’s gonna get a huge settlement out of this. Like seven figures. He’s getting out of the hospital tomorrow and he’s gonna throw a big party this weekend to celebrate. We’re all invited. I’m thinking I might take that new chick from Logistics. If things go well I might be showing her my O face. “Oh…Oh…Oh!” You know what I’m talkin’ about. “Oh!” Yeah. Right. See you guys there.


 

Michael Bolton: Wow, our last day at Initech.office-space-13
Samir: I can’t believe they had security escort us out. Not like we’re going to steal something.
Peter Gibbons: I stole something.
Michael Bolton: Oh, yeah. I guess we all did.
Peter Gibbons: No, I stole something else.
Samir: What did you steal?
Peter Gibbons: We’ll call it a going away present.
[cut to them in a field taking turns to bashing the printer from their office to pieces]


 

[leaving Peter’s apartment after they’ve been dancing and drinking]
Samir: [rapping] Back up in your ass with the resurrection…


 

[trying to explain their plan of stealing from Initech]
Peter Gibbons: All right, so when the sub routine compounds the interest, right, it uses all these extra decimal places that just get rounded off. So we simplified the whole thing, we just, we round them all down and just drop the remainder into an account that we opened.
Joanna: [confused] So you’re stealing?
Peter Gibbons: Uh, no. No, you don’t understand. Uh, it’s very complicated. It’s uh…it…it’s aggregate, so I’m talking about fractions of a penny here. And uh, over time they add up to a lot.
Joanna: Oh, okay. So you’re gonna be making a lot of money, right?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Right. It’s not yours?
Peter Gibbons: Uh, well it becomes ours.
Joanna: How is that not stealing?
Peter Gibbons: I don’t uh…I don’t think I’m explaining this very well.
Joanna: Okay.
Peter Gibbons: Um…the 7-Eleven, right? You take a penny from the tray?
Joanna: From the cripple children?
Peter Gibbons: No, that’s the jar. I’m talking about the tray. The….the…you know the pennies that are for everybody?
Joanna: Oh, for everybody.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Well those are whole pennies.
Joanna: Right.
Peter Gibbons: All right? I’m just talking about fractions of a penny here, okay? But we do it from a much bigger tray and we do it a couple a million times. So, what’s wrong with that?


 

[after Peter’s explained about how he took money from Initech]
Joanna: I don’t know, it just seems wrong.
Peter Gibbons: It’s not wrong! Initech is wrong. Initech is an evil corporation, all right? Chotchkie’s is wrong. Doesn’t it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?
Joanna: Yeah, but I’m not about to go in and start taking money from the register.
Peter Gibbons: Well, maybe you should. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair they made the Jews wear.
Joanna: What?!


 

[at Tom’s barbecue where Tom is in a full-body cast in a wheel chair due to his injuries]
Peter Gibbons: Uh, listen, I, I heard about your…your settlement. Congratulations.
Tom Smykowski: Well, thanks, Peter. You know, I’m glad you’re here because I wanted to talk to you. I know how you get depressed about your job and all, and I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel. I used to be the same way.
Peter Gibbons: Really?office-space-14
Tom Smykowski: Sure. Oh maybe I didn’t whine as much, but I bet I hated my job even more than you, and I’ve been doing it for over thirty years!
Peter Gibbons: Wow!
Tom Smykowski: Just remember, if you hang in there long enough, good things can happen in this world. I mean, look at me.
[he starts to laugh]
Peter Gibbons: Thanks, Tom.


 

[talking to Samir and Michael at Tom’s barbecue]
Rob Newhouse: Conjugal visits? Not that I know of. Minimum-security prison is no picnic. I have a client in there right now. He says the trick is, kick someone’s ass the first day, or become someone’s bitch. Then everything will be all right. Why do you ask, anyway?
Michael Bolton: Oh no, we were just…
[nervously he drops his drink]


 

Drew: Hey, isn’t that the girl that works over at Chotchkie’s?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Drew: Hmmm. Who’s she here with?
Peter Gibbons: She’s with me.
Drew: Really?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Drew: All right, Peter! Ooh! Ooh! Right on. Make sure you wear a rubber, dude.
Peter Gibbons: Why is that, Drew?
Drew: Are you kidding me? She gets around. All right?
Peter Gibbons: She does, does she?
Drew: Oh, yeah. Like a record.
Peter Gibbons: Like, with who?
Drew: Oh, let’s see, uh…hell, Lumbergh fucked her. Oh, let me see who else…
Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh?!


 

[after confronting Joanna about sleeping with Lumbergh]
Joanna: Peter! What is wrong with you? That was like two years ago! What, did you know him?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I know him. I know him! He’s my boss! He’s my unholy, disgusting pig of a boss!
Joanna: He’s not that disgusting.
Peter Gibbons: He represents all that is soulless and wrong! And you slept with him!
Joanna: Hey, that is none of your business, okay? I didn’t ask you who you slept with before we were together. I don’t care.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I didn’t think that you slept with guys like Lumbergh!
Joanna: Listen to you. Who do you think you are? How dare you judge me! I mean what are you? You think you’re some kind of, like, angel here? No, you’re just this penny-stealing, wanna-be criminal…man!
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, well, that may be. But at least I never slept with Lumbergh!


 

[as she’s about to get out of Peter’s car in the middle of the street]
Joanna: Why don’t you just call me when you grow up! Oh, wait, you know what, that’s probably never gonna happen, so just don’t call me, okay?
[just as Joanna is about to close car door]
Peter Gibbons: Say hello to Lumbergh for me!


 

[Peter’s nightmare where Lumbergh is naked, having sex holding a foot in one hand a cup of coffee in the other]
Bill Lumbergh: You can just go ahead and move a little bit to the left. That’s it. Great. Peter. What’s happening? Um, could you get me those TPS reports ASAP? Mmmkay?

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Total Quotes: 92

 

 

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