Tom is in a full-body cast in a wheel chair due to his injuries] Peter Gibbons: Uh,
listen, I, I heard about your...your settlement. Congratulations. Tom Smykowski: Well,
thanks, Peter. You know, I'm glad you're here because I wanted to talk
you. I know how you get depressed about your job and all, and I just
wanted you to know that I know how you feel. I used to be the same way. Peter Gibbons: Really? Tom Smykowski: Sure.
Oh maybe I didn't whine as much, but I bet I hated my job even more
than you, and I've been doing it for over thirty years! Peter Gibbons: Wow! Tom Smykowski: Just
remember, if you hang in there long enough, good things can happen in
this world. I mean, look at me. [he starts to laugh] Peter Gibbons: Thanks,
to Samir and Michael at
Tom's barbecue] Rob Newhouse:
Conjugal visits? Not that I know of. Minimum-security
prison is no picnic. I have a client in there right now. He says the
trick is, kick someone's ass the first day, or become
bitch. Then everything will be all right. Why do you ask, anyway? Michael Bolton: Oh
no, we were just... [nervously he drops his
isn't that the girl that works over at Chotchkie's? Peter Gibbons:
Yeah. Drew: Hmmm.
Who's she here with? Peter Gibbons: She's
with me. Drew: Really? Peter Gibbons:
Yeah. Drew: All
right, Peter! Ooh! Ooh! Right on. Make sure you wear a rubber, dude. Peter Gibbons:
Why is that, Drew? Drew: Are
you kidding me? She gets around. All right? Peter Gibbons:
She does, does she? Drew: Oh,
yeah. Like a record. Peter Gibbons:
Like, with who? Drew: Oh,
let's see, uh...hell, Lumbergh fucked her. Oh, let me see who
else... Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh?!
Joanna about sleeping with Lumbergh] Joanna: Peter!
What is wrong with you? That was like two years ago! What, did you know
him? Peter Gibbons:
Yeah, I know him. I know him! He's my boss! He's my unholy, disgusting
pig of a boss! Joanna: He's
not that disgusting. Peter Gibbons:
He represents all that is soulless and wrong! And you slept with him! Joanna: Hey,
that is none of
your business, okay? I didn't ask you who you slept with before we were
together. I don't care. Peter Gibbons:
Well, I didn't think that you slept with guys like Lumbergh! Joanna:
Listen to you. Who do
you think you are?
How dare you judge me! I mean what are you? You think you're some kind
of, like, angel here? No, you're just this penny-stealing, wanna-be
criminal...man! Peter Gibbons: Yeah,
well, that may be. But at least I never slept with Lumbergh!
[as she's about to get
out of Peter's
car in the middle of the street] Joanna: Why
don't you just call me when you grow up! Oh, wait, you know what,
that's probably never gonna happen, so just don't call me, okay? [just as Joanna is
about to close car door] Peter Gibbons:
Say hello to Lumbergh for me!
where Lumbergh is naked, having sex holding a foot in one hand
a cup of coffee in the other] Bill Lumbergh: You
can just go ahead and move a little bit to the left. That's it.
Great. Peter. What's happening? Um, could you get me those
TPS reports ASAP? Mmmkay?
need to talk. Do you know what this is about? Joanna: My,
uh, flair? Stan: Yeah.
Or, uh, your lack of flair. Because, I'm counting and I only see
Let me ask you a question, Joanna. Joanna: Umm-hmm. Stan: What
do you think of a person who only does the bare minimum? Joanna: Huh.
What do I think? Um ,you know what, Stan, if you want me to wear
thirty-seven pieces of flair, like
your uh, pretty boy over there, Brian, why don't you just make the
minimum thirty-seven pieces of flair? Stan: Well,
I thought I remembered you saying that you wanted to express yourself. Joanna: Yeah.
You know what? Yeah, I do. I do want to express myself, okay? And I
don't need thirty-seven pieces of flair to do it. [she gives Stan the
finger] Joanna: All
right? There's my flair! Okay? And this is me expressing
myself, okay? There
it is! I hate this job! I hate this goddamn job and I don't need it! [she storms out]
[after they find out
that $305,326.13 has been deposited into
Peter's account] Samir: Shit,
shit, shit, shit! Peter Gibbons: Son
of a bitch!
Shit! Samir: This
is a...fuck! Peter Gibbons: Son
of a bitch! Samir: I...I...Shit! Michael Bolton: What
happened? Peter Gibbons: You
Michael, it's your software! Samir: Yes,
it's your software! Peter Gibbons: You
corporate accounting is sure as hell going to notice three hundred five
thousand three hundred... [grabs the receipt from
Michael] Peter Gibbons: ...twenty
thirteen, Michael! Samir: Oh
shit! Michael Bolton: They
won't know it's gone for another three or four days.
Peter Gibbons: Michael!
Michael! You said the thing was gonna take two years! What
said the thing was supposed to work. Michael Bolton: Well,
technically it did work. Peter Gibbons: No
it didn't! Samir: It
did not work, Michael, okay? Michael Bolton: Okay!
Okay! Okay! Samir: Okay? Michael Bolton: Okay!
have put a decimal point in the wrong place
or something. Shit! I always do that. I always mess up some mundane
detail. Peter Gibbons: Oh!
What is this fairly mundane detail, Michael? Michael Bolton: Okay,
quit getting pissed at me, all right? This was all your idea, asshole! Peter Gibbons: All
right. Okay. All right. Let's try not to get pissed off at each other,
all right? Let's just calm down. Let's try to figure this thing out
together. The first
thing we gotta do is we gotta close that account down before it gets
[employees are singing
birthday for Bill in a flat monotone. He blows out the candles] Bill Lumbergh: Looks
Mmmm. Here Peggy, you wanna get everybody started there. [he gets a slice of
cake] Bill Lumbergh: Mmm.
Oh, that is terrific. Just terrific. Thanks everybody, really. I
really, really appreciate this. Very special. [a slice is handed to
Milton] Nina: Now
Milton, don't be greedy. Let's pass it along and make sure everyone
gets a piece. Milton Waddams:
Yeah, but last time I didn't receive a piece. And I was told... Nina: Just
pass. Milton Waddams:
Okay. But this, this, it, it, it's a little cake. There's not enough
cake. The ratio of people to cake is too big. [eventually Milton
but him gets a piece of cake]
I could set the
building on fire.
there some way
to just give the money back? Peter Gibbons: What?
You mean just hand them a check for the exact amount they're missing?
I, I think they'd figure that out. Samir: Well,
we have to do something. Michael Bolton: May...maybe
we launder the money. Peter Gibbons: That's
a great idea. Okay, how do we do that? Michael Bolton: I
don't know, I don't know. I don't even know what it means. I was hoping
you knew. I think...I think coke dealers do it. Peter Gibbons: Okay.
Do we know any coke dealers? Michael Bolton: My,
my cousin's a coke head. [he looks at Peter and
Samir] Michael Bolton: Fuck.
deep shit! Samir: Yes.
We are in very, very deep shit.
[Lumbergh comes down to
the basement to see Milton] Bill Lumbergh: Milton. Milton Waddams: Yes. Bill Lumbergh: What's
happening? Milton Waddams: I
wanted to see you because... Bill Lumbergh: Say,
Milton, you know what would be great? Milton Waddams: Wait.
No. Bill Lumbergh: Since
you're down here, it would be really great if you could just sort of
take care of the cockroach problem we've been having
in here. Milton Waddams: No.
really not my job and I, I haven't received my pay check... Bill Lumbergh: So,
now, why don't you go ahead and get yourself a flashlight and a can of
pesticide and... [Dom enters] Dom Portwood:
need you upstairs right away. We got a big problem. Some major glitch
in accounting. A
lot of money missing. [they go upstairs and
Bill turns off the light leaving Milton in the dark] Milton Waddams: Excuse
me? Excuse me? Okay, that's...that's the last straw.
[Michael is looking up
"money laundering" in the dictionary] Peter Gibbons: I
can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money
laundering" in a dictionary. Michael Bolton: Yeah,
You guys can both eat my ass, okay.
Peter Gibbons: I
Joanna slept with Lumbergh, that's what I can't believe. Michael Bolton: Yeah,
didn't know that? Samir: Yeah,
you didn't know that? Michael Bolton: A
years ago, before he moved to Atlanta. Peter Gibbons: You
mean, Ron Lumbergh, the...the Initrode guy? The young guy? Michael Bolton: Yeah,
who'd you think I meant? Bill? [Samir and Michael start
to laugh] Michael Bolton: If
him, their children would have hooves! Peter Gibbons: Ron's
not related to Bill, is he?
evening Sir, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be
addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean. Peter Gibbons: Okay. Steve: That
why I am selling magazine subscription. Peter Gibbons: No.
No... Steve: And
I was hoping you
would help me out. [just as Peter's about
to close the
door] Michael Bolton: Wait,
wait, wait! You used to be addicted to crack?
[Peter Michael and Samir
are trying to find out about money laundering from the magazine
subscription guy] Steve: Look,
I'm very sorry. I do not know anything about any money laundering.
Michael Bolton: No,
We're...we're not asking you about money laundering. All we need is for
you to hook us up with the right people. Peter Gibbons: If
doesn't know anybody who wants to hook us up, he doesn't know anything. Samir: No,
wait, wait a minute. Look, uh, you just give us the name of one
drug dealer. I mean I could talk to him. I have good networking skill.
I lied. Um...all that stuff I said about being a crack
just helps me sell magazines. I'm actually an unemployed software
engineer. Peter Gibbons:
You're a software engineer? Steve: Yup. Samir: Things,
uh...it must be very rough for you. Steve:
Actually man, I make more money selling magazine subscription, than I
ever did at Initrode!
[after finding out the
Steve used to work at Initrode] Peter Gibbons: Wait
you're, you're not gonna tell anybody about all this stuff we told you?
I mean, we know a lot of the same people. That's... Steve: Actually,
um...that all depends. [he holds up his
[after he's bought
magazine subscriptions from Steve to keep him quite] Peter Gibbons: What
am I gonna do with forty subscriptions to Vibe?
We never should have done this. What were we thinking? You know what I
figure out? How is it that all these stupid, Neanderthal, mafia guys
can be so good at crime and smart guys like us can suck so badly at it? Samir: We're
new to it, though. If we had more experience... Michael Bolton: No.
what I think? I think we're screwed. I think there's enough evidence
over the building to link us to this. Even if we could launder money, I
wouldn't want to. What we've done is bad enough. We get caught
laundering money, we're not
to go to white-collar-resort-prison. No, no, no! We're gonna go to
federal-pound-me-in-the-ass-prison. Samir: I
don't want to go to any prison! Why the hell did I do this? I've never
done anything wrong in my whole life! We weren't thinking clearly
because you told us we were losing our jobs! And now look at us now,
we're worried about going in to prison! Peter Gibbons: Don't
worry about it. I'll think of something. Samir: Ssss!
I'm going home. Michael Bolton: Me
too. Samir: You
are a very bad
[Peter knocks on his
wall to get Lawrence's attention] Peter Gibbons: Lawrence,
you awake? Lawrence:
Yeah. Peter Gibbons: You
wanna come over? Lawrence: No
thanks, man. I don't want you fucking up my life, too!
[Peter's dreaming that
court, with Rob as their lawyer] Judge: And
in light of this
sentence for these heinous crimes that you have committed against
Initech. I hereby sentence you, Michael Bolton and Samir
Na...Ananajibad...to a term of no less than four years in a
federal-pound-me-in-the-ass-prison. [Samir begins to cry] Judge: Peter
lead a trite and meaningless life. And you're a very bad person. [the judge bangs the
gavel and Peter
[Peter's waiting outside
parking lot. Joanna comes out of Flingers] Joanna: Hey. Peter Gibbons: You're
working at Chotchkie's anymore, huh? Joanna: No,
no, I got fired.
Peter Gibbons: What
happened? Joanna: I
flipped off my boss. Some customers, actually a line just happened
to be standing there, so... Peter Gibbons: I
going away for a while. Uh, to jail. You were right about that computer
scam. That was a bad idea. I'm gonna take the blame for it, I
decided. I'm on my way now to return the money and leave the confession
Lumbergh's door. Joanna, I wanna apologize. I had no right to get
pissed off at you about Lumbergh. Lumbergh is not my problem. It wasn't
even the right
Lumbergh. I...I don't know why I can't just go to work and be happy,
I'm supposed to, like everybody else. Joanna: Peter,
most people don't like their jobs. But you go out there and find
something that makes you happy. Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
may never be happy with my job. But I think that if I could be with
you, that I could be happy with my life. I've been a real asshole. But
if you could give it another
shot, I promise, Joanna... Joanna: Okay,
shut up. [she comes over and hugs
[seeing Peter and Joanna
kissing in the parking lot] Brian: Wow!
what's going on here? Get a room you two! [he gives them the
finger, mocking Joanna's action for getting fired] Joanna: I
hate that guy.
[talking to Lumbergh's
secretary] Milton Waddams:
Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and then payroll told me to
talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I,I still haven't received my paycheck and he
took my stapler and he never brought it back and then they moved my
desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it and I don't
appreciate that... Peggy: Um,
well, why...why don't you go back down and sit at your desk. Mr.
Lumbergh should be here any
minute. Milton Waddams: Mr.
Lumbergh... Peggy: Just
go and sit at your desk. Milton Waddams: But,
but... Peggy: Okay? Milton Waddams: Okay,
I, I, I'm going to set the building on fire. I tell him, if I don't get
my stapler... [Peggy leaves her desk] Milton Waddams: I'm
just going to have to take my stapler back because it is my stapler. [he goes
into Lumbergh's office] Milton Waddams: It's
my stapler, the Swingline. It's been mine for a very long time.
[Peter knocks on
Lawrence's door] Peter Gibbons: Lawrence,
in there? Lawrence: Hey,
Peter, man. Peter Gibbons: Hey.
So, I might be going away for awhile. Lawrence: Yeah,
I know, man. It's a bummer, dude, what can I say? Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
time to go face the music. You take care of yourself if I don't see
you, all right? [they shake hands] Lawrence: You
too, man. Take care of yourself, bud. All right. [they shake hands. Peter
leave] Lawrence: Hey,
Peter? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Lawrence: Watch
out for the
corn hole, bud. Peter Gibbons: Okay,
and Lawrence are working on the crew cleaning up the burned Initech
building. Peter notices Milton's burnt Swingline stapler in Lawrence's
shovel] Peter Gibbons: Wait
me take a look at that. Lawrence: Who
would want that stapler, man? That's toasted, man. Peter Gibbons: [smiling] I think I
someone who might want this.
[Samir and Michael are
now working at Initrode, they visit Peter whilst he's working] Michael Bolton: Probably
get you a job there if you want. Peter Gibbons: No,
thanks. I, uh, I'm doing good here. Michael Bolton: So,
uh, we're gonna be okay, right? Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
I think the fire pretty much took care of everything. Samir: I
wonder if the money
burned up? This would be a shame. Peter Gibbons: Yeah... Samir: Are
you sure you don't want us to get you a job? Peter Gibbons: That's
thing I'm definitely sure of.
[whilst he's clearing
the burnt rubble of Initech building] Peter Gibbons: This
isn't so bad, huh? Makin' bucks, gettin' exercise, workin' outside. Lawrence:
Fuckin' A! Peter Gibbons:
lines; Milton is relaxing on a beach and a waiter comes up to
him] Milton Waddams:
Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you, please? I asked for a
mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt. No salt
for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating
in the glass... Mexican Waiter: Lo
siento mucho, senor. [under his breath as he
walks away] Mexican Waiter: Pinche
gringo. Milton Waddams: I
leaving a tip, 'cause I...I could shut this whole
resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort.
I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this
place condemned. I could put...I could put...strychnine in the
guacamole. There was salt on the glass, big grains of salt.