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Quotes (Page 3)
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[at Tom's
barbecue where
Tom is in a full-body cast in a wheel chair due to his injuries]Peter Gibbons: Uh, listen, I, I heard about your...your settlement. C
ongratulations.Tom Smykowski: Well, thanks, Peter. You know, I'm glad you're here because I wanted to talk to you. I know how you get depressed about your job and all, and I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel. I used to be the same way.
Peter Gibbons: Really?
Tom Smykowski: Sure. Oh maybe I didn't whine as much, but I bet I hated my job even more than you, and I've been doing it for over thirty years!
Peter Gibbons: Wow!
Tom Smykowski: Just remember, if you hang in there long enough, good things can happen in this world. I mean, look at me.
[he starts to laugh]
Peter Gibbons: Thanks, Tom.
[talking to Samir and Michael at Tom's barbecue]
Rob Newhouse: Conjugal visits? Not that I know of. Minimum-security prison is no picnic. I have a client in there right now. He says the trick is, kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch. Then everything will be all right. Why do you ask, anyway?
Michael Bolton: Oh no, we were just...
[nervously he drops his drink]
Drew: Hey, isn't that the girl that works over at Chotchkie's?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Drew: Hmmm. Who's she here with?
Peter Gibbons: She's with me.
Drew: Really?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Drew: All right, Peter! Ooh! Ooh! Right on. Make sure you wear a rubber, dude.
Peter Gibbons: Why is that, Drew?
Drew: Are you kidding me? She gets around. All right?
Peter Gibbons: She does, does she?
Drew: Oh, yeah. Like a record.
Peter Gibbons: Like, with who?
Drew: Oh, let's see, uh...hell, Lumbergh fucked her. Oh, let me see who else...
Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh?!
[after confronting Joanna about sleeping with Lumbergh]
Joanna: Peter! What is wrong with you? That was like two years ago! What, did you know him?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I know him. I know him! He's my boss! He's my unholy, disgusting pig of a boss!
Joanna: He's not that disgusting.
Peter Gibbons: He represents all that is soulless and wrong! And you slept with him!
Joanna: Hey, that is none of your business, okay? I didn't ask you who you slept with before we were together. I don't care.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I didn't think that you slept with guys like Lumbergh!
Joanna: Listen to you. Who do you think you are? How dare you judge me! I mean what are you? You think you're some kind of, like, angel here? No, you're just this penny-stealing, wanna-be criminal...man!
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, well, that may be. But at least I never slept with Lumbergh!
[as she's about to get out of Peter's car in the middle of the street]
Joanna: Why don't you just call me when you grow up! Oh, wait, you know what, that's probably never gonna happen, so just don't call me, okay?
[just as Joanna is about to close car door]
Peter Gibbons: Say hello to Lumbergh for me!
[Peter's nightmare where Lumbergh is naked, having sex holding a foot in one hand a cup of coffee in the other]
Bill Lumbergh: You can just go ahead and move a little bit to the left. That's it. Great. Peter. What's happening? Um, could you get me those TPS reports ASAP? Mmmkay?
Stan: We need to talk. Do you know what this is about?
Joanna: My, uh, flair?
Stan: Yeah. Or, uh, your lack of flair. Because, I'm counting and I only see fifteen pieces. Let me ask you a question, Joanna.
Joanna: Umm-hmm.
Stan: What do you think of a person who only does the bare minimum?
Joanna: Huh. What do I think? Um ,you know what, Stan, if you want me to wear thirty-seven pieces of flair, like your uh, pretty boy over there, Brian, why don't you just make the minimum thirty-seven pieces of flair?
Stan: Well, I thought I remembered you saying that you wanted to express yourself.
Joanna: Yeah. You know what? Yeah, I do. I do want to express myself, okay? And I don't need thirty-seven pieces of flair to do it.
[she gives Stan the finger]
Joanna: All right? There's my flair! Okay? And this is me expressing myself, okay? There it is! I hate this job! I hate this goddamn job and I don't need it!
[she storms out]
[after they find out that $305,326.13 has been deposited into Peter's account]
Samir: Shit, shit, shit, shit!
Peter Gibbons: Son of a bitch! Shit!
Samir: This is a...fuck!
Peter Gibbons: Son of a bitch!
Samir: I...I...Shit!
Michael Bolton: What happened?
Peter Gibbons: You tell me, Michael, it's your software!
Samir: Yes, it's your software!
Peter Gibbons: You know corporate accounting is sure as hell going to notice three hundred five thousand three hundred...
[grabs the receipt from Michael]
Peter Gibbons: ...twenty six thirteen, Michael!
Samir: Oh shit!
Michael Bolton: They probably won't know it's gone for another three or four days.
Peter Gibbons: Michael! Michael! You said the thing was gonna take two years! What happened? You said the thing was supposed to work.
Michael Bolton: Well, technically it did work.
Peter Gibbons: No it didn't!
Samir: It did not work, Michael, okay?
Michael Bolton: Okay! Okay! Okay!
Samir: Okay?
Michael Bolton: Okay! I must have put a decimal point in the wrong place or something. Shit! I always do that. I always mess up some mundane detail.
Peter Gibbons: Oh! What is this fairly mundane detail, Michael?
Michael Bolton: Okay, quit getting pissed at me, all right? This was all your idea, asshole!
Peter Gibbons: All right. Okay. All right. Let's try not to get pissed off at each other, all right? Let's just calm down. Let's try to figure this thing out together. The first thing we gotta do is we gotta close that account down before it gets any bigger.
[employees are singing birthday for Bill in a flat monotone. He blows out the candles]
Bill Lumbergh: Looks terrific. Mmmm. Here Peggy, you wanna get everybody started there.
[he gets a slice of cake]
Bill Lumbergh: Mmm. Oh, that is terrific. Just terrific. Tha
nks everybody, really. I
really, really appreciate this. Very special.[a slice is handed to Milton]
Nina: Now Milton, don't be greedy. Let's pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.
Milton Waddams: Yeah, but last time I didn't receive a piece. And I was told...
Nina: Just pass.
Milton Waddams: Okay. But this, this, it, it, it's a little cake. There's not enough cake. The ratio of people to cake is too big.
[eventually Milton notices that everybody but him gets a piece of cake]
Milton Waddams: [muttering] I could set the building on fire.
Samir: Is there some way to just give the money back?
Peter Gibbons: What? You mean just hand them a check for the exact amount they're missing? I, I think they'd figure that out.
Samir: Well, we have to do something.
Michael Bolton: May...maybe we launder the money.
Peter Gibbons: That's a great idea. Okay, how do we do that?
Michael Bolton: I don't know, I don't know. I don't even know what it means. I was hoping you knew. I think...I think coke dealers do it.
Peter Gibbons: Okay. All right. Do we know any coke dealers?
Michael Bolton: My, my cousin's a coke head.
[he looks at Peter and Samir]
Michael Bolton: Fuck. We're in deep shit!
Samir: Yes. We are in very, very deep shit.
[Lumbergh comes down to the basement to see Milton]
Bill Lumbergh: Milton.
Milton Waddams: Yes.
Bill Lumbergh: What's happening?
Milton Waddams: I wanted to see you because...
Bill Lumbergh: Say, Milton, you know what would be great?
Milton Waddams: Wait. No.
Bill Lumbergh: Since you're down here, it would be really great if you could just sort of take care of the cockroach problem we've been having in here.
Milton Waddams: No. That's really not my job and I, I haven't received my pay check...
Bill Lumbergh: So, for now, why don't you go ahead and get yourself a flashlight and a can of pesticide and...
[Dom enters]
Dom Portwood: Bill! We need you upstairs right away. We got a big problem. Some major glitch in accounting. A lot of money missing.
[they go upstairs and Bill turns off the light leaving Milton in the dark]
Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me? Okay, that's...that's the last straw.
[Michael is looking up "money laundering" in the dictionary]
Peter Gibbons: I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in a dictionary.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well. You guys can both eat my ass, okay.
Peter Gibbons: I can't believe Joanna slept with Lumbergh, that's what I can't believe.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, you didn't know that?
Samir: Yeah, you didn't know that?
Michael Bolton: A couple of years ago, before he moved to Atlanta.
Peter Gibbons: You mean, Ron Lumbergh, the...the Initrode guy? The young guy?
Michael Bolton: Yeah, who'd you think I meant? Bill?
[Samir and Michael start to laugh]
Michael Bolton: If she fucked him, their children would have hooves!
Peter Gibbons: Ron's not related to Bill, is he?
Steve: Good evening Sir, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean.
Peter Gibbons: Okay.
Steve: That is why I am selling magazine subscription.
Peter Gibbons: No. No...
Steve: And I was hoping you would help me out.
[just as Peter's about to close the door]
Michael Bolton: Wait, wait, wait, wait! You used to be addicted to crack?
[Peter Michael and Samir are trying to find out about money laundering from the magazine subscription guy]
Steve: Look, I'm very sorry. I do not know anything about any money laundering.
Peter Gibbons: If he doesn't know anybody who wants to hook us up, he doesn't know anything.
Samir: No, no. Wait, wait, wait a minute. Look, uh, you just give us the name of one drug dealer. I mean I could talk to him. I have good networking skill. I...
Steve: I lied. Um...all that stuff I said about being a crack head. It just helps me sell magazines. I'm actually an unemployed software engineer.
Peter Gibbons: You're a software engineer?
Steve: Yup.
Samir: Things, uh...it must be very rough for you.
Steve: Actually man, I make more money selling magazine subscription, than I ever did at Initrode!
[after finding out the Steve used to work at Initrode]
Peter Gibbons: Wait a minute, you're, you're not gonna tell anybody about all this stuff we told you? I mean, we know a lot of the same people. That's...
Steve: Actually, um...that all depends.
[he holds up his clipboard]
[after he's bought magazine subscriptions from Steve to keep him quite]
Peter Gibbons: What am I gonna do with forty subscriptions to Vibe?
Michael Bolton: We never should have done this. What were we thinking? You know what I
can't figure out? How is it that all these stupid, Neanderthal, mafia guys can be so good at crime and smart guys like us can suck so badly at it?
Samir: We're new to it, though. If we had more experience...
Michael Bolton: No. You know what I think? I think we're screwed. I think there's enough evidence all over the building to link us to this. Even if we could launder money, I wouldn't want to. What we've done is bad enough. We get caught laundering money, we're not going to go to white-collar-resort-prison. No, no, no! We're gonna go to federal-pound-me-in-the-ass-prison.
Samir: I don't want to go to any prison! Why the hell did I do this? I've never done anything wrong in my whole life! We weren't thinking clearly because you told us we were losing our jobs! And now look at us now, we're, we're worried about going in to prison!
Peter Gibbons: Don't worry about it. I'll think of something.
Samir: Ssss! I'm going home.
Michael Bolton: Me too.
Samir: You are a very bad person, Peter.
[Peter knocks on his wall to get Lawrence's attention]
Peter Gibbons: Lawrence, you awake?
Lawrence: Yeah.
Peter Gibbons: You wanna come over?
Lawrence: No thanks, man. I don't want you fucking up my life, too!
[Peter's dreaming that they're in court, with Rob as their lawyer]
Judge: And in light of this sentence for these heinous crimes that you have committed against Initech. I hereby sentence you, Michael Bolton and Samir Na...Ananajibad...to a term of no less than four years in a federal-pound-me-in-the-ass-prison.
[Samir begins to cry]
Judge: Peter Gibbons, you've lead a trite and meaningless life. And you're a very bad person.
[the judge bangs the gavel and Peter wakes up]
[Peter's waiting outside Flingers parking lot. Joanna comes out of Flingers]
Joanna: Hey.
Peter Gibbons: You're not working at Chotchkie's anymore, huh?
Joanna: No, no, I got fired.
Joanna: I flipped off my boss. Some customers, actually a line just happened to be standing there, so...
Peter Gibbons: I might be going away for a while. Uh, to jail. You were right about that computer scam. That was a bad idea. I'm gonna take the blame for it, I decided. I'm on my way now to return the money and leave the confession under Lumbergh's door. Joanna, I wanna apologize. I had no right to get pissed off at you about Lumbergh. Lumbergh is not my problem. It wasn't even the right Lumbergh. I...I don't know why I can't just go to work and be happy, like I'm supposed to, like everybody else.
Joanna: Peter, most people don't like their jobs. But you go out there and find something that makes you happy.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Well, I may never be happy with my job. But I think that if I could be with you, that I could be happy with my life. I've been a real asshole. But if you could give it another shot, I promise, Joanna...
Joanna: Okay, shut up.
[she comes over and hugs him, they kiss]
[seeing Peter and Joanna kissing in the parking lot]
Brian: Wow! Hey, what's going on here? Get a room you two!
[he gives them the finger, mocking Joanna's action for getting fired]
Joanna: I hate that guy.
[talking to Lumbergh's secretary]
Milton Waddams: Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I,I still haven't received my paycheck and he took my stapler and he never brought it back and then they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it and I don't appreciate that...
Peggy: Um, well, why...why don't you go back down and sit at your desk. Mr. Lumbergh should be here any minute.
Milton Waddams: Mr. Lumbergh...
Peggy: Just go and sit at your desk.
Milton Waddams: But, but...
Peggy: Okay?
Milton Waddams: Okay, I, I, I'm going to set the building on fire. I tell him, if I don't get my stapler...
[Peggy leaves her desk]
Milton Waddams: I'm just going to have to take my stapler back because it is my stapler.
[he goes into Lumbergh's office]
Milton Waddams: It's my stapler, the Swingline. It's been mine for a very long time.
[Peter knocks on Lawrence's door]
Peter Gibbons: Lawrence, you in there?
Lawrence: Hey, Peter, man.
Peter Gibbons: Hey. So, I might be going away for awhile.
Lawrence: Yeah, I know, man. It's a bummer, dude, what can I say?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Uh, well, time to go face the music. You take care of yourself if I don't see you, all right?
[they shake hands]
Lawrence: You too, man. Take care of yourself, bud. All right.
[they shake hands. Peter starts to leave]
Lawrence: Hey, Peter?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Lawrence: Watch out for the corn hole, bud.
Peter Gibbons: Okay, Lawrence.
[Peter and Lawrence are working on the crew cleaning up the burned Initech building. Peter notices Milton's burnt Swingline stapler in Lawrence's shovel]
Peter Gibbons: Wait a minute. Let me take a look at that.
Lawrence: Who would want that stapler, man? That's toasted, man.
Peter Gibbons: [smiling] I think I know someone who might want this.
[Samir and Michael are now working at Initrode, they visit Peter whilst he's working]
Michael Bolton: Probably could get you a job there if you want.
Peter Gibbons: No, thanks. I, uh, I'm doing good here.
Michael Bolton: So, uh, we're gonna be okay, right?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I think the fire pretty much took care of everything.
Samir: I wonder if the money burned up? This would be a shame.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah...
Samir: Are you sure you don't want us to get you a job?
Peter Gibbons: That's one thing I'm definitely sure of.
[whilst he's clearing the burnt rubble of Initech building]
Peter Gibbons: This isn't so bad, huh? Makin' bucks, gettin' exercise, workin' outside.
Lawrence: Fuckin' A!
Peter Gibbons: Fuckin' A!
[last lines; Milton is relaxing on a beach and a waiter comes up to him]
Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I spe
ak to you, please? I asked for a
mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt. No salt
for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating
in the glass...Mexican Waiter: Lo siento mucho, senor.
[under his breath as he walks away]
Mexican Waiter: Pinche gringo.
Milton Waddams: I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I...I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put...I could put...strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, big grains of salt.
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Total
Quotes: 89
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