Rango Quotes(Page 2)
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[after the towns folk have found out the bank has been robbed]
Rango: All right, folks! Stand back. Clear the area. This is a crime scene now. Secure the perimeter, dust for prints, check for fibers, scan for DNA! I want a urine sample from everyone and get me a latte. Don’t mix up the two.
Bank Clerk: What’s this?
[he picks up and reads a piece of paper from the floor of the bank vault]
Bank Clerk: ‘Prospecting Permit.’
Rango: I’ll take that! Material evidence.
[trying to calm the panicking towns people when they see the banks been robbed]
Mayor: My friends! We all know what we have to do now.
Rango: That’s right! We all know what we have to do now!
[whispering under his breath to the Mayor]
Rango: And that would be?
[the Mayor whispers back]
Mayor: Form a posse.
[Rango repeats what he thinks he hears to the crowd]
Rango: Form a possum!
[crowd looks at Rango in silence, the Mayor repeats his words again but louder this time]
Mayor: A posse!
[after Rango has formed a posse and they are riding hard out into the desert]
Spoons: Where are we goin’?
Spoons: Where are we going?
[Rango doesn’t answer as he realizes he has no idea where they are riding out to]
[as he puts a deputy Sheriff’s badge onto Wounded Bird’s cloak]
Rango: Now, as my deputy you’ll be in charge of all trackin’ and findin’ of villains. utilizin’ your well-developed ingenuity. No offense taken.
[referring to the bank robbers]
Rango: So which way do you think they went? You wanna sniff the air, or commune with a buffalo or somethin’?
[Wounded Bird points to the ground behind him]
Rango: Ooh! You’re good!
[as the posse queue up to go underground into the tunnel after the robbers]
Rango: Now, I’m dependin’ on you Spoons.
[as he hands him a lighted firewood]
Rango: Oh, you gotta a little tobacco in your beard there.
[Spoons jumps into the underground tunnel and Rango hands a lighted firewood to Doc]
Rango: Always good to have a medical man along, Doc.
[Doc jumps into the tunnel and Rango gives a lighted firewood to Buford]
Rango: Reptiles! Gotta stick together! Right, my brother?
Buford: I’m amphibian.
Rango: Ain’t no shame in that.
[Buford jumps into the tunnel]
[Rango goes to give a lighted firewood to the next in line in the posse when he notices it’s a chicken with an arrow shot through his eye]
Rango: Woh! Are you sure you’re fit for duty there, soldier?
Sergeant Turley: What?
[referring to the arrow in his eye]
Rango: Well, you got a little somethin’ in your eye there.
Sergeant Turley: Oh, that!
[pointing to his good eye]
Sergeant Turley: That there is conjunctivitis, sir. It’s hereditary.
Rango: Oh! Well…I’m glad to hear it’s not contagious.
[Rango sees Beans next in line in posse]
Rango: Now, just wait a cotton pickin’ minute! A posse ain’t no place for a…
[Beans grabs the lighted firewood from Rango’s hand and jumps into the tunnel]
Rango: Never mind.
[next in line he sees Priscilla]
Rango: Woh! Woh! Hold on there, little sister. Someone’s gonna have to look after the town while I’m gone.
[Priscilla opens the suitcase she’s holding to reveal two guns which she suddenly point at Rango]
Priscilla: Can I get to shoot someone?
Rango: Uh…let’s put a pin in that.
Priscilla: Sheriff, you’re gonna bring that water back, aren’t you?
Rango: Count on it, little sister.
[when they discover the water pipe in the tunnel]
Buford: Would you look at that!
Spoons: Like seein’ the face of God!
Elgin: Amen, brother.
Furgus: I remember when it used to flow every Wednesday.
Ambrose: Those were the halcyon days.
Elgin: Must be a reason she quit on us.
Beans: Whatever the reason, somethin’ is controlin’ this here water.
Waffles: What do you say, Sheriff?
Rango: Uuuhh…clearly the robbers came from this direction. I say we track this pipe back to its hydraulic origin and apprehend the culprits behind this aquatic conundrum.
[Rango walks forward leading the way]
Buford: What did he say?
Sergeant Turley: I think he said, follow the pipe.
Waffles: He said, follow the pipe.
Elgin: He said, follow the pipe.
[after they’ve reached the end of the line in the tunnel]
Buford: Someone, or something is messin’ with our hydration, and that pipe’s got somethin’ to do with it!
Elgin: Now, I thought we was followin’ bank robbers!
Sergeant Turley: We’re experiencing a paradigm shift!
Elgin: I’m gonna shift the features on your face if you don’t shut up!
Sergeant Turley: Well, you go ahead and try!
[they start fighting with each other]
Rango: Quite you savages! Stop your battlin’. You’re effectin’ my cogitation.
[when they find the body of Merrimack in the desert above the tunnel]
Beans: It’s Mr. Merrimack from the bank!
Ambrose: What’s he doing here?
Rango: Everybody stand back.
Doc: All right. Let me see.
Spoons: Look like them vermins shot him in the back.
Doc: No. This man wasn’t shot. He was drowned!
Waffles: In the middle of the desert!
Furgus: Oh! What a way to go!
Elgin: Well, now. Who’s boot prints are those?
[Rango touches the ground where the boot prints are]
Rango: That’s interesting. The ground’s still wet.
Beans: I suppose we should bury him.
Elgin: I don’t know. Birds gotta eat too.
Waffles: Circle of life!
Rango: I see you’re consulting with the spirits.
Wounded Bird: No. I’m molting. Means I’m ready to mate.
Rango: Oh! I’ll keep that in mind.
Wounded Bird: Cactus fruit.
Rango: Ah, yes. The ancient cactus fruit. I believe your people use it as seasoning when preparing your native dishes.
[Rango puts the cactus fruit in his mouth and starts chewing it]
Wounded Bird: Also natural laxative.
[Rango suddenly chokes]
Wounded Bird: Pick up trail. Three men, headed west. One blind. One with…
[he takes a couple of sniffs]
Wounded Bird: …a large prostate, riding side saddle.
Waffles: What…What’d he say?
Furgus: They’re ridin’ side saddle!
Beans: Sshh! We’re whisperin’.
Spoons: What’d he say?
Sergeant Turley: Someone’s got a bad south.
Doc: All right. Which one of you fellas need a checkup?
[puts on his latex surgical glove and holds his index finger up]
Wounded Bird: Awkward!
[heating a marshmallow on their camp fire]
Waffles: Marshmallows remind me of goin’ campin’ with my daddy. I could eat ’em all night long.
[his marshmallow sets on fire]
Waffles: Of course, he did make me cough ’em back up again for breakfast.
Buford: This one time, I coughed up an entire Dalmatian.
Elgin: That ain’t nothin’. I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies. They started lookin’ at me weird.
Furgus: I remember them. They was quit friendly.
Spoons: I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once.
[there’s an awkward silence around the camp fire]
Sergeant Turley: You might wanna get that looked at.
Spoons: Mr. Rango, can you tell us about the Spirit of the West.
Doc: Oh, yeah! Tell us about that.
[everyone around the camp murmurs in agreement]
Waffles: Is it true what they say?
Rango: Uuuh, yes! The…Spirit of the West. The eternally unobtainable eye view. They say he rides in an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him. But he only appears to those who have undertaken an epic quest…and have made it to the other side.
Sergeant Turley: Uh…the other side of what?
Rango: It’s a metaphor.
[as he leans on his stick it suddenly flips from underneath him]
Waffles: Ow! My eye!
Rango: Uh…that’s gonna heal right up.
Ambrose: Sheriff, what are you going to do about…Rattlesnake Jake?
[Rango suddenly hears a rattling noise and panics]
Rango: Hahh! What? Where?
[he looks round and sees the noise is coming from Spoons rattling his spoons together]
Spoons: Sorry about that. Word is, you come against him once or twice.
Rango: Ooh! Yeah! Jake! You mean, my brother.
Sergeant Turley: Your brother?
Rango: That’s what I said!
Buford: But he’s a snake and you’re a lizard.
Rango: Well, momma had an active uh…social life.
[there’s a murmur of surprise]
Furgus: Did he ever bite you?
Rango: Sure enough did. Look at that baby!
[he lifts up his shirt to show his belly button]
Rango: Go ahead, you can touch it.
Doc: Oh, that’s interesting. That there is a belly button.
Rango: Luckily, I’m immune to his venom. Put some in my coffee just to give it a little tang.
Spoons: Friends, before we bunk down, I’d like us all to join hands for a moments. Say a few words to the Spirit of the West
[everyone around the camp get up and joins hands and closes their eyes for prayer]
Spoons: Ain’t always spoken rightly to you, Spirit of the West, but tonight I wanna thank you for bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives. It’s a hard life we got. Sometimes I don’t know how we’re gonna make it, but somehow Sheriff Rango makes me think we will. We needed a brave man and you sent us one. Nice to have someone to believe in again. Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen.
[pointing to the cactus tree behind him]
Rango: You ever feel like those things are lookin’ at you?
Beans: That’s a Spanish Dagger. But around here we just call ’em the Walkin’ Cactus.
Beans: There’s an old legend they actually walk across the desert to find water. When I was a little girl I’d stay up late watchin’ them to see if they move. I thought if I could follow them, they’d lead me to some place wonderful. Some place with enough water for everyone. Night after night I watched ’em. I never saw ’em move.
Rango: But you’re still watching.
Beans: Who didn’t wanna find some place wonderful?
Rango: We’ll find the water, Beans. I promise you.
[they hear a wolf howling in the middle of the night]
Beans: That’s such a lonely sound. You ever get lonely?
Beans: I can’t imagine it. You’re such a charmer and everyone likes you so much. I never made friends easily like that.
Beans: No. We’re pretty isolated out there on the ranch. Sorta of like being sealed up in a little box. Don’t really see uh…a lot of folks.
[Rango does a small false laugh]
Rango: I wouldn’t know what that’s like.
Beans: Is there someone special in your life, Rango?
Rango: Oh! Well, there used to be. But she couldn’t keep her head. Besides, my life’s too dangerous for that kind of thing. You know, it’s an awful solitary existence out there on the prairie. Ridin’ the ranges and the such like.
[suddenly Beans appears as though she’s frozen]
Rango: Beans? Beans?
[he makes sure she’s frozen then gives her a kiss on the cheek, as he walks away Beans smiles]
[Rango’s dressed up as a woman and the others in the posse are all dancing and playing music]
Rango: Gracious! Good afternoon to thee and thee and thee! May I present my Madame Repones steps accordion troops of traveling thespians!
Balthazar: Wha…what is that?
Ezekiel: I think they’s thespians!
Balthazar: Thespians! That’s illegal in seven states.
Rango: The stage is set, the princess prepares to take her own life.
[he reveals the stage to show Beans playing the part of the princess]
Beans: I yearn for love.
Rango: Meanwhile, the lone centurion stands watch at the castle gate.
[Elgin plays the part of the centurion]
Elgin: Hark! Who goes there?
[as he’s hearing the play]
Balthazar: This plots highly predictable!
Ezekiel: Quite! This is my favorite part!
[Rango continues narrating the play]
Rango: Arriving to great fan fair was her aged father…
[suddenly Sergeant Turley appears]
Rango: …strucketh by cupid.
Sergeant Turley: Uh…pray thee unhand my fair daughter and reach for the…uh…the
Sergeant Turley: Line?
[Ezekiel shouts the line to him]
Ezekiel: Reach for the sky!
[after Balthazar reveals his entire family to Rango and his posse]
Balthazar: Looks like we’re gonna have ourselves a good old fashioned standoff.
Rango: I’ll have you know, you’re not lookin’ at our entire contingent.
[suddenly we hear Spoons making strange noises from top of the mountain]
Waffles: What…what’s that? What’s that supposed to be?
Elgin: That’s the signal.
Waffles: If that’s the signal, somethin’ must have gone wrong!
[we see Spoons using flags to give warning signals and then running to the fire to fan smoke signals]
Balthazar: So…uh…somethin’s supposed to happen?
Rango: I…am open to suggestions.
[as they are being frantically chased by Balthazar’s posse]
Waffles: I am sensing hostility!
[whilst trying to frantically get away from Balthazar’s posse]
Ambrose: I suggest we take evasive action!
Beans: I suggest you shut up and shoot!
[she hears something whilst driving the wagon hard to get away from Balthazar’s posse]
Beans: What was that?
Beans: Go check it out!
[Waffles climbs to top of the wagon]
Beans: What is it? Is there a problem?
[Waffles sees one of Balthazar’s men drawing two deadly looking knives]
Waffles: Uh…you could call it that!
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