By Jacob Lee (Racine, WI)
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I have a headache and Spider-Man 3 is to blame. This by far is the Spider-Man movie I was looking most forward to. The trailers were amazing and it was going to have one of my favorite and one of the coolest villains in superhero history, Venom. But this movie falls short of literally all expectations. I’m just going to be straight forward, I hated this movie, it was offensive to me and every other die-hard Spider-Man fan. I have never seen such a simple concept of a character or story so disfigured and broken apart as in this movie. This movie seems to forget that it’s based off of a comic book, because it does whatever it wants. Oh but I’ve got a lot to say, that was the short version.

So Tobey and Kirsten still star in this movie, starting to lose the focus of their characters. You can tell everyone wanted to be done with this franchise because they start acting like they just don’t care. The Mary-Jane character has now become this selfish person only caring about herself and not letting Peter try to relate to her but then getting mad at him for not trying to relate to her. That makes no sense, they made her into this unlikeable character who’s hypocritical to Peter. Mary-Jane gets mad at him for doing their “special kiss” with another girl. Well OK, for starters I understand why you’d be upset but how many times has she screwed with Peter’s heart when she knew he had feelings for her. Then, right after she gets mad at him for the kiss the next day she goes over to his best friend’s house and kisses him. So now who’s the selfish one?

They both finally get this romance right and she completely messes it up. Now, the Peter character is still good, but the “emo” Peter character is just atrocious. Peter gets the symbiotic suit and is supposed to act mean and cruel, and instead what we get is an egotistical “smooth” guy (and I use that term very loosely considering all the women are completely disgusted by him). Yes, he is a jerk but not the same type, he’s that kinda guy you just want to punch in the face because he’s so full of himself. In the comics, Peter is tortured by the suit, he is in agony and pain because of what the suit turns him into, which is a truly awful person. He had nightmares and did things that will haunt him forever. In this movie he walks down the sidewalk with flipped down dark hair, in a suit, dancing and sliding all around women, pointing at them trying to lay down some “moves”… Yeah, that’s right just go back and re-read that sentence. Now I will give it one thing, when he is Spider-Man in the symbiotic suit it’s really freaking cool. You see the power of darkness but also the price it brings for this ultimate power.

Now the movie itself is just a complete betrayal to fans everywhere. First, I understand why you may have chosen Mary-Jane to be his real love interest in these movies that’s fine, but now they bring in the girl that should have been the first. Well that completely slaps any fan in the face. Instead the Gwen Stacy character seems to have no point in this movie what so ever, you really could just replace her with a random girl and it would be fine, so why the complications? Second is Harry Osborn, he wants revenge, bad. Why might I ask? Harry found out that his father was a murderer and you still want to avenge him? I don’t know about normal people but I know I wouldn’t avenge a murderer, even if it was my own father. Now before I go any further, don’t you think that’s enough for a story? One villain and a continuation of the sickening love story seems fine to me, but nope we gotta butcher two more villains for you; *sigh*.

So next is Sandman, which has some pretty cool effects when it comes to the sand recreation of his body. Thomas Haden Church pulls off Sandman, well in my opinion, there’s just one problem. Well apparently Sandman was the one who shot Uncle Ben… really? We concluded this issue in the first movie, there is no reason to dig this thing up again. Sandman is always saying that he doesn’t want to be this way that he doesn’t have a choice, well even near the climax Peter tells him we all have a choice and Peter forgives him anyways. Apparently it’s OK to murder people for money as long as it’s for a loved one who’s sick. That’s why he’s stealing and “doesn’t have a choice” (yes, I know I am using quotations a lot in this review), because his daughter is sick so that makes it OK for him to steal. He even says he doesn’t want to hurt anybody but through the entire movie he’s attacking and killing people for money so obviously he doesn’t care.

Now last but not least, Venom, and oh yes, this deserves its own paragraph. One of the coolest, scariest most intimidating villains is played by, I kid you not Topher Grace. So yes, I, among many others were making That’s so 70’s Show jokes the whole time. The problem with Topher is that he’s just not scary, he doesn’t feel dangerous or intimidating at all, even with the suit. When Topher finally gets that awesome suit, what is he like? Well, for starters he is extremely small and skinny which is nothing like he is in the comics. Venom is nearly as big as The Hulk in some cases for Pete’s sake (no pun intended)! Now Venom only gets about 5 minutes of screen time, I kid you not, which is just a huge let down. Even when he is on screen he peels back the scary looking face to show Topher’s face, no! That is not what anyone wants Venom to look like. Of course in the climax in his one small fight scene he gets killed off almost immediately, not even opening it for a sequel to redeem the Venom character.

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This is Venom.

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This is not Venom.

Now, there are some scenes in this movie which are just so horribly done that I just need to mention them. In one scene, Harry tells Mary-Jane to break up with Peter or he’ll kill him, uh hold on a second, did you forget he was Spider-Man? Harry doesn’t have a gun to her or anything so just go up to Peter and be like “Hey, Harry’s evil, go beat him up” problem solved. Then *sigh* there’s the dance scene, and yes, you read that right. The dance scene has Peter *ahem*, excuse me “emo”, Peter jumping around in a Jazz cafe doing jumps, playing the piano, hanging on a chandler, and dancing.

If you watched this scene out of context you would never ever ever suspect this was a Spider-Man movie. Not only was this an upbeat dance scene but it is immediately followed by Peter beating Mary-Jane and then sitting depressingly on a gargoyle on a church while it’s raining. No, you can’t do that, it doesn’t work, you cannot have a happy campy bit followed by the most depressing scene and expect us to take that seriously. The climax fell short of any good climax as we reach a scene where Spider-Man is getting beaten to death and we cut to the news people telling the nation that “this is a sad moment for us all, very very sad”. Well thanks movie, I never would’ve guessed, thank you for telling me what emotion to have.

I know I bashed this thing pretty hard and probably nit picked a lot, but to a Spider-Man fan such as myself this was just a flat out betrayal of a movie. See the first movie, heck see the second one, but sling your web and get far far away from this disaster of a movie.

All I can say is I’m glad they are rebooting it, Spider-Man needs a new fresh start. Let’s just hope that it stays loyal to the fans.

 

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