By Jack (California)

 

Continuing my Star Wars reviews with Attack of the Clones. Now for some strange reason, when I was a little kid I watched this one the most, even though I didn’t particularly like it. I also remember that whenever the credits started and the Star Wars music played it felt out of place. I didn’t watch it for a few years until the weeks leading up to The Force Awakens. In the weeks leading up to The Force Awakens I watched all of the films, and that is when I discovered how awful this film is. Good Jesus, I didn’t remember it being this bad. I wanted to throw up whenever someone said another awful line of dialogue. So, let’s start with the negatives first and then I’ll get into the few positives of this film.

The main problem with this movie for me is the dialogue. It was bad enough in The Phantom Menace and they just made it worse. Lines like: “I’m haunted by the kiss you should have never of given me.” In the duration of the movie I wanted to throw up at least 60 times. It’s like the screen writer never took a grammar lesson in his life. Plus, the romance doesn’t work at all. Padme keeps going on about how she’s a senator and can’t fall in love. That’s like saying I haven’t seen The Statue of Liberty so I can’t eat chicken. Anyway, she says they can’t be together, and I never get the sense that she likes Anakin. Then at the end she says: “I truly, deeply love you.”

Also, Anakin is a complete creep! There’s a look he gives Padme and it looks like he’s going to murder her. Plus, they always tell each other they love each other and they never once have a conversation that isn’t about ow much they’re in love. Another thing is: why does the council assign Anakin protect Padme if Obi-Wan knows that he’s attracted to her! Not only that, but they send them to the most romantic place in the galaxy! They let them have a romantic a romantic dinner and sit by the fire. They may as well make them sleep in the same bed and make her wear a gold bikini and take away Anakin’s shirt!

Let’s move away from the “romance”, and look at the story. Like Phantom Menace, I don’t know what the hell is going on. They also leave out an interesting mystery involving Master Sifodius (I don’t know how to spell it sorry). I have to admit though, that the idea of a clone army is kind of cool. However, when the droids and the clones are battling I don’t give a s*** because I know they can just make more! Another thing is the action. This has the worst action in a Star Wars movie yet. In the flying car chase all it is, is Anakin and Obi-Wan surviving huge falls. The conveyor belt sequence has video-game like CGI. The lightsaber fight is poorly choreographed. However, the Jango Fett versus Obi-Wan fight is entertaining and the arena battle is fine.

Now, let’s get to the positives. The best part about this movie is obi-Wan. The casting was perfect and he can be very funny at times. Especially when he uses the Jedi mind trick on that death-sticks guy. While I admit it’s completely against what his character stands for, Yoda fighting Count Dooku was pretty awesome. Something that I forgot to mention in The Phantom Menace review is how much I love the music in all of these movies. This one has some great themes, like Anakin and Padme’s theme and the Clone theme. One of my favorite moments in this film is when Anakin goes to try and save his mother. The cinematography is beautiful and the music is pretty awesome. I also like Jango Fett. I think he is way cooler than Boba Fett (who I think is overrated by the way).

That’s pretty much it. It isn’t the worst movie of all time or anything but it’s still pretty awful. I give it, a 2/10. Tomorrow is my Clone Wars and possibly Revenge of the Sith reviews. Thanks for reading.

Rating: 1/5

 

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