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Samantha: Your honor, I’d like to call Ted Clubberlang to the stand.
Ted: Yes! My turn, assholes.
[Ted runs to take his seat at the stand]
Samantha: Ted, do you love your wife?
Shep Wild: Objection! She’s not his wife. The marriage was annulled.
Samantha: I rephrase. Do you love Tami-Lynn?
Ted: I love my wife. Okay, my wife! More than anything in the world. We’re married, I don’t care what anybody says.
Samantha: So you’re saying you are capable of feeling love?
Ted: Hey, it must be weird for you guys having a doll up here on the stand with no kid pointing to where his uncle touched him.
Ted: Yeah. No, yeah. I am capable. I love a lot of stuff, yeah.
Samantha: Ted, do you believe you have a soul?
[Ted starts to sing]
Ted: “What did you think I would do at this moment, when you’re standing before me with tears in your eyes.” Does that answer your question?
Shep Wild: Objection! Your Honor.
Ted: Yeah. What it is man.
[the judge and Ted high five each other]
Ted: Look, I’m not a scientist. Okay? I don’t know exactly what makes a person a person. All I know is I feel stuff, just like all you guys, and I don’t think I ought to be treated any different.
[Sam turns to the jury]
Samantha: Capable of love. Aware of his own consciousness. It seems pretty human to me. No further questions.
Shep Wild: Mr. Kidder, you were an employee at Hasbro from 1976 to 1998, is that correct?
Todd Kidder: Yes, I supervised the stuffing of the teddy bears.
Shep Wild: And what is that stuffing made of?
Synthetic cotton, poly blend.
Shep Wild: Is there anything else in there?
The bear products are affixed with an electronic device in the chest, which can be programmed to say any one of five phrases.
[Shep turns to Ted]
Shep Wild: Ted, would you please press your chest?
Judge: Please follow the instructions, Mr. Clubberlang.
[Ted presses his chest and the recorded “I love you!” phrase is played, which causes a murmur of shock from the crowd and jury]
Shep Wild: No further questions.
[we see TV news of Ted’s case]
Boston Newscaster: Also in the news, a pending court case is beginning to get national attention for its civil rights ramification. Ted the bear, who some of you may remember came to life back in the mid-eighties right here in Boston, is suing to prove he is indeed a person.
[CNN news coverage with pundits discussing Ted’s case]
Pundit #1: Okay, so what are we even talking about here?
Pundit #2: What we’re talking about is a civil rights issue. This bear has rights.
Pundit #3: He does not!
Pundit #4: Oh, come on!
Pundit #3: He’s a toy!
Pundit #1: Then why are you calling it a he?
Pundit #4: Look, we call it the Statue of Liberty a she, but we all know it’s an object made of copper and steel.
Pundit #3: Good point.
Pundit #2: Yes, but…but she isn’t conscious or sentient, he is.
Pundit #1: Mm-hmm.
[Fox news coverage with their pundits discussing Ted’s case]
Pundit #1: Now, come on! Are you any of you going to sit there and tell me that this stuffed doll is a person?
Pundit #2: No.
Pundit #3: Not at all.
Pundit #4: We all agree, all the time.
[Jimmy Kimmel’s monologue on Ted’s case]
Jimmy Kimmel: I don’t think he should want to be considered a person. I mean, after all, you know Ted spent many years sleeping and cuddling with a child. That’s cute when you’re a stuffed animal, when you’re a person that’s a felony.
[the audience laughs]
[SNL skit on Ted’s case with Killam pretending to be Shep Wild, Kate McKinnon as Sam, and Moynihan dressed in a giant teddy bear suit]
Taran Killam: Ted, do you have anything to say in your own defense?
Bobby Moynihan: I am not an animal!
Kate McKinnon: You see, Your Honor, he’s not an animal.
[Moynihan sniffs the air then attacks McKinnon]
Kate McKinnon: I’m sorry, Your Honor, I’m on my period.
Taran, Bobby, Kate: And live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night”!
[back in court as they wait for the jury to make their decision]
Tami-Lynn: What is taking them so long?
John: Well is it bad that they’re taking this long?
Samantha: It’s not good nor bad, it just…it just means they’re probably having a debate.
Ted: You know, John, it may be time to play the Beetlejuice card.
John: What do you mean?
Ted: I mean, saying his name three times…
Ted: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice…
John: Shut up. Are you fucking crazy? We don’t want that guy running around in here.
Ted: No, Johnny, he’ll be on our side. He’ll help us. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice…
John: You are meddling with powers you don’t understand. Cut the shit!
[the judge and jury enter the court]
Judge: Please be seating. Mr. Willer, has the jury reached a verdict?
Uh, yes, we have, Your Honor. In the case of Ted vs The Common Wealth of Massachusetts, we the jury find for The Common Wealth in that Ted is not a person.
[Ted, Sam, John and Tami-Lynn all look shocked and upset]
Judge: Very well. The plaintiff is hereby legally deemed property. The definition entails the rights there of and will be recognized in the terms set by the state of Massachusetts. The court wishes to thank the jury for its service.
[back at Hasbro Donny shows Jessup the latest news headline “Ted Declared Property”]
Tom Jessup: Are you sure you can get him? Remember, you’re on your own out there.
Hasbro can have no connection to this.
Donny: Oh, I’ll get him. And when I have him I’m gonna call you with the code phrase. Do you remember what it is?
Tom Jessup: Yes, I remember.
Donny: Well can you say it, just for safety?
Tom Jessup: That’s not necessary…
Donny: Say it.
Tom Jessup: I don’t want to say it.
Donny: Say it.
Tom Jessup: I don’t have to say it.
Donny: Say it. Say it.
Tom Jessup: Fresh cakes.
Donny: Fresh cakes.
[back at John’s apartment]
Tami-Lynn: You know this isn’t fucking fair. Teddy’s a good man. Why is he being treated differently than everybody else?
Ted: It’s what this country does best. Putting different people in little groups and makin’ ’em watch Tyler Perry. It’s wrong! I’m so sorry, baby.
Samantha: No, I’m sorry. I…I thought I’d built a better case. It’s just that the reality is you have a really shitty lawyer.
John: Hey, come on. Alright? Nobody’s blaming you for this, you did everything you could.
Ted: I just, I’m sitting here and I can’t believe it’s official.
John: Right, so what are we gonna do now? I mean, we can’t take this lying down. We gotta do something.
Samantha: You know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna call Patrick Meighan.
Ted: Who’s that?
Samantha: He is the top civil rights attorney in America.
John: Wait, is he the one who got that female midget into the marines?
Ted: Yeah, that had a sad ending though. You remember she was in a veteran state parade and somebody handed her a bunch of bunch of balloons and pffft, gone. It’s very sad. Very sad for the family.
Samantha: You know what? If anyone can get this verdict overturned it’s him. He’s not cheap, but we’ve become such a high profile case I feel like he might take it pro bono. He’s a sucker for media.
Samantha: Hi, I’m calling for Patrick Meighan. This is Samantha Jackson, I defended Ted Clubberlang in Ted vs Massachusetts.
[as Sam is making her call we see in the background Ted and John fighting over the one beer that John had in his fridge]
Samantha: Hi, Mr. Meighan, thank you so much for taking my call. Oh, you’ve been following the case? That’s great. Yeah, that’s actually why I’m calling. Yeah, I was wondering if, um, maybe you would consider helping us try to overturn the verdict.
[John and Ted continue to fight over the beer, beating each other up]
Samantha: Well, yeah, I mean, it would have to be a pro bono situation because we’re really not working with much money, but I think you’ll be impressed with my client.
[Ted hides and shakes the beer bottle, he gives the bottle to John and when John opens it the beer goes everywhere]
Ted: Aha, mother fucker!
Samantha: Sure. Yeah, great. Okay, thank you so much. Okay, I’ll see you then. Bye.
[referring to Meighan]
Samantha: Oh, my God! He said he’ll meet with us on Friday at 9 a.m. at his office in New York.
John: Is he gonna take the case?
Samantha: I don’t want to jinx it, but I think so.
Ted: Oh, my God! Did you hear that, Johnny? I still got a shot!
Tami-Lynn: Oh, my God! We gotta celebrate!
John: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Ted: Let’s go down to the improv and yell out suggestions?
John: Fuck, yeah!
[at the improv club]
Comic: So first we need a historical event. Who’s got an event?
Comic: Oh, okay. Okay. Maybe something else. Ah, let’s start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay. Alright, for real guys. For real. Who’s got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we’ve heard from these guys. Let’s give somebody else over here a chance. Um, how about a location? Let’s go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay, seriously, sir, uh, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: German Wings cockpit!
Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No, you didn’t.
John: Nobody said Starbucks!
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who’s in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby!
Comic: You people are monsters.
John: We’re giving you the tools, buddy. Come on, make some fuckin’ comedy.
[Ted, John and Sam get ready to leave for New York]
Ted: Alright, we’ll be back tomorrow afternoon.
Tami-Lynn: I love you so much, Teddy. You go kick some ass, because I am not taking of this wedding ring.
Ted: I love you too, baby. I’ll see you soon.
[Tami-Lynn kneels down and kisses Ted]
[as Sam drives them to New York]
Ted: Hey, Sam why do you have a double bag that says Arizona State?
Samantha: Cause that’s where I went to school.
John: You went to Arizona State?
Samantha: Yeah, why?
Ted: Oh, man. That’s why we lost the case.
Samantha: You’re dicks.
Ted: Arizona State. Hey, how many times you been fucked on a house boat?
[John and Sam laugh]
Samantha: Oh, come on!
John: Did you write your dissertation on the collective work of, uh, Red Bull?
Samantha: Yeah. Yeah, I did. I got an A on it.
Ted: So you say Arizona State University or do you just say HPVU?
[the trio have stopped off for a break at a diner]
Samantha: This is perfect. We’re gonna get to the city before ten.
Ted: Hey, Sam, how’s your boring salad?
Samantha: Oh, it’s actually delicious.
John: Everybody always say that about their salads, they’re all a bunch of fucking liars.
Samantha: No, I love it. It’s really good.
John: Have some cookie crisps, you need something nutritional.
Samantha: Why do you think I want your cookie crisp?
John: Because you’ve been staring at it and you want it.
Ted: Hey, what’s the deal here? Are you guys ever gonna make out or what?
John: Teddy, come on, dude!
Ted: What? I’m just…I’m just sayin’. You look like you’re hitting it off, you know? I mean, Sam, Sam, you dig him, right?
[Sam just smiles]
[they hear a customer sat at the diner counter with his back to them and his ass crack showing yell at the waitress]
Blind Guy: Hey, where the hell is my coffee? I’ve been waiting for ten minutes!
Diner Waitress: I’m so sorry, sir, I forget. I’ll get it right away.
Blind Guy: Jesus, you’re a waitress, you’re not building rockets, figure it out!
John: What a prick. Hey, twenty bucks I can toss a cookie crisp into his ass crack.
Samantha: Wait, let me try. I used to pitch for the softball team at Arizona State.
Ted: Oh, yeah? Was your mascot a broken condom?
Samantha: Shut up.
[Sam tosses the cookie and it lands straight into the customer’s ass crack]
[after Sam tosses a cookie into the customer’s ass crack]
Blind Guy: Who did that?
[the customer turns and they see he is blind]
Ted: Oh, Jesus Christ. You gotta be kidding me.
John: Now we’re assholes. Look what you did.
Blind Guy: I swear to God I’ll kick your goddamn ass! Who was it?
Ted: Um, sir, I apologize for my five year old son.
[John starts speaking a child’s voice]
John: I’m sorry. Sorry, sir. Cookie crisp in your bum bumsies, I’m sorry.
Blind Guy: Well, under the circumstances, I guess it’s okay.
Samantha: Oh, my God. Now we’re even bigger assholes.
John: Go get my cookie crisp out of his ass.
[the waitress comes over to their table]
Waitress: You guys making trouble over here?
John: Uh, no ma’am. We’re just minding our business.
Waitress: Well just try to keep your boyfriend under control here, yeah?
Samantha: Oh, he’s not my boyfriend.
Waitress: Oh, good.
John: Uh, we’ll just get the check, thanks.
Waitress: Of course.
[she smiles at John and leaves]
[referring to the waitress]
Ted: Oh, my God. John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the “Fuck me” eyes.
John: No, she wasn’t.
Ted: She was giving you the “Fuck me” eyes.
Samantha: What are the “Fuck me” eyes?
Ted: It’s…some women just have “Fuck me” eyes.
Samantha: Do I have “Fuck me” eyes?
Ted: No, you have the “Give us the ring, my precious” eyes.
John: Well, we’d better get going. We got two hours of driving left and I’m kind of beat.
Samantha: Yeah, we gotta be well rested for tomorrow.
Ted: Alright, I’ll drive. You can take a nap.
Samantha: You don’t have a license.
Ted: Well who cares? Johnny lets me drive every once in a while when he’s hammered. I’m a fucking pro. Besides, you know, I’ve been…I’ve been kicked around a lot this week. I just, I want to feel useful, you know?
Samantha: Twenty minutes behind the wheel.
[Ted drives the car as Sam and John sleep, as he drives heh but drops his cigarette on himself, loses control of the car and ends up going through a deserted barn in the woods]
John: What the fuck?
Ted: Well, Sam, it’s been twenty minutes. You want to take over?
[Sam and Ted are sat outside the barn]
Ted: Hey, listen Sam, I’m real sorry. That barn just came out of nowhere.
Samantha: No, no, it’s my fault. I, I, uh…I should never have let you drive.
Ted: Yeah, well, you were wrong. You were wrong to do that.
Ted: Um, you know, that and the trial are the only two things you fucked up, so, uh…
John: Yeah, I can’t see shit in there. We’ll have to wait till tomorrow to get the car out.
Samantha: Uh, wait, are we gonna spend the night here?
John: Yeah, it’ll be fine. We just gotta find some firewood.
[as John and Ted are picking up firewood, John finds a marijuana leaf on the ground]
John: What the hell? Holy shit! Hey, Ted! You know what this is? It’s Super Lemon Haze. It’s a really rare strand, it’s a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. It’s totally potent. I mean I’ve only had it once in my life and it was ones of the best highs I ever had. What the hell is a leaf of this stuff doing out in the middle of a…?
[Ted turns John’s head and they look in shock upon a whole field of Super Lemon Haze]
John: Dear God. Dear God in heaven.
Ted: It’s so beautiful. It’s so beautiful.
Samantha: No words. No words. I should have studied poems.
Ted: They move it in herds. The do move in herds.
[later they are all sat by a fire as Sam lights up her bong, which is in the shape of a penis, filled with the Super Lemon Haze]
John: Please tell me that’s not the only bong you brought on this trip.
Ted: Yeah, Sam, this puts us in a kind of awkward position here. I mean, we want to get high too.
John: I don’t have any paper.
[pointing to her bong]
Samantha: Is this hilarious? I got it at baccalaureate party. It’s so stupid.
[offering it to John]
Samantha: Here, try it.
John: Uh, no.
John: I don’t want to put a big class cock in my mouth.
Samantha: Oh, you think this is big?
Ted: Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.
Samantha: This is all I brought.
Ted: Okay, how about this? I’m gonna go check out the barn and I’m gonna see if I can find like a soda can or something for us to make an actual bong.
John: Yeah, see if you can make a non-dick bong.
Ted: Yeah. Hey, you know that’s the name of the South Korean president, right?
[Ted laughs but John and Sam just stare at him]
Ted: She gets it. You get it. Right?
[he chuckles to himself]
Ted: What? Okay, I’ll be right back.
[Ted turns and walks off]
John: No, I… This is nice. You know? I mean, I always wanted my ex-wife to get stoned with me, but she never would, so.
Samantha: Really? Wow. That’s the cornerstone of any great marriage.
John: I agree.
[they both laugh]
John: So you think this Meighan guy is gonna help us?
Samantha: I mean, honestly I don’t know. Um, but we’re going to the right place.
John: Listen, I just really want to thank you for all you’ve done, all you’re doing for us. I know it’s not making you rich.
Samantha: Please, there are more important things in life than money.
Samantha: Look, I don’t know what kind of mojo was in that wish you made when you were a child, but this bear is alive. And it seems to me that once the law devalues one kind of life, how soon before it devalues another? Who gets subjugated after the bear?
John: You’re really smart, you know that? How come you do not have a guy?
Samantha: Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? I’m supposed to date some pale blotchy guy with a wife beater under his Burns jacket and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope!
John: Yeah, that’s so dumb.
[John pulls up his socks quickly to hide the tattoo on his calf]
[Ted returns from the barn]
Ted: Well, I couldn’t’ find any cans but I gotta tell you there’s some awesome shit in that barn. Take a look at this, I found a cowboy hat, and a rifle and a guitar.
John: Hey, be careful with that, huh?
Ted: No, no, it’s okay. It’s not loaded.
[Ted shoots the rifle it goes off blasting Ted off]
Ted: And my fucking nose came off.
John: I wonder who all this belongs to. I mean, maybe we should find someplace else.
Samantha: We’re in the middle of nowhere. I mean, if we get out of here by dawn we should be fine, right?
[Sam starts playing the guitar Ted brought from the barn]
John: You play the guitar?
Samantha: A little bit. I learned when I was a kid.
[Sam starts singing a song to the as she plays the guitar]
[the next morning after Sam and John have managed to get the car down from the barn]
Ted: So listen, I gotta ask. Was it just kissing last night or was there finger stuff?
[the guitar is thrown at Ted knocking off him from the hay he was sitting on]
[as they continue on their journey to New York with Sam driving]
Ted: We got a lot of pot in this car, I wish we could smoke it.
John: Well, we’re gonna smoke it, alright? But just put it under the seat for now, we don’t wanna go to jail.
Ted: Yeah, that’s a good idea.
[Ted notices Sam’s penis shaped bong on top of the weed, he decides to smoke some pot using the bong, John notices and takes a photo of Ted]
Ted: Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing?!
John: Hashtag, “My amazing summer.”
Ted: Goddamn it! What the hell’s wrong with you?
John: Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.
Ted: What do you mean? I was just messing around.
John: Oh, shut up and suck that dick.
Ted: Oh, fuck you!
[as they are heading into New York they almost hit three people dressed as Darth Vader, a Stormtrooper and a Jedi as they are about to cross the road]
Obi-Wan: Woh, woh, woh!
Samantha: Watch where you’re going!
Stormtrooper: It’s a crossroad, jackass! We have right of way!
John: Woh! Hey, what the hell you do walking around dressed like Star Wars?
Obi-Wan: It’s Comic Con, you idiot! We’re going down to the Javits Center.
John: Well you’re the idiots, cause you three guys would never be walkin’ together!
Ted: Yeah, you’re his boss and you two guys are enemies!
Samantha: Yeah, bite me, Captain Kirk!
John: Hey, hey!
Ted: Woh, woh. No, no, no.
John: Come on, that’s Star Trek.
Ted: Yeah, that’s two different franchises.
[referring to Sam]
John: Yeah, sorry, guys. She doesn’t know.
Stormtrooper: Nah, it’s okay. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
Obi-Wan: Alright, let’s go.
[as the Stormtrooper and Obi-Wan turn to leave Darth Vader extends his hand towards Sam, John and Ted and tries to use his powers]
Obi-Wan: Hey, come on. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it.
[the other two drag Darth Vader away]
[the trio are sat waiting to meet Patrick Meighan in his office]
John: This Patrick Meighan’s got a classy set up, huh?
[John extends his leg to place it on the glass table in front of them and it suddenly completely shatters to pieces]
Ted: And there is our first impression.
Meighan’s Assistant: Miss Jackson, Mr. Meighan will see you now.
Samantha: Oh, okay. Thank you.
[the trio enter Meighan’s office]
Patrick Meighan: Ah, Miss Jackson, do come in.
Samantha: Mr. Meighan, this is such an honor.
[they shake hands]
Samantha: Thank you so much for meeting with us.
Patrick Meighan: Not at all, it’s my pleasure. Please, sit down.
John: This office is fucking awesome.
Ted: Yeah, totally. Hey, hey, do you ever bring chicks up here?
Patrick Meighan: What do you think?
Ted: I think I want to sleep on a bed made of your voice.
Patrick Meighan: I’ll get right down to it, I don’t want to waste to much of your time. Ted, I’ve been reviewing your file and while I’m sympathetic to your cause, I’m sorry to say I won’t be taking your case.
Ted: What? Why?
Patrick Meighan: Well, it comes down to this. You want to be human in the eyes of the law. That’s a hard sell, even for me. You see, the important thing about being human is making a contribution to society, assisting in the betterment of your race. You’ve done none of that. I’ve read about your life, the drugs, the parties, the prostitutes, the arrests.
Samantha: Mr. Meighan, we’ve come a long way to meet you because you said that you could help us.
Patrick Meighan: I said I would consider it, and I have. Ted, you’re special. You could’ve been an inspiration to the world, could’ve been a leader, a role model. Instead you’re…Justin Bieber.
Ted: Fuck you!
John: Hey Ted!
Ted: I’m sorry. I’m sorry, please forgive me.
Samantha: He doesn’t…he doesn’t mean that.
Ted: I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
Patrick Meighan: There’s just no indication that you’ve had any positive effect on the world around you.
John: Well that’s not true, he had a positive effect on me.
Patrick Meighan: Would that positive effect be your joint arrest for purchasing marijuana in 2003?
John: Well how the fuck do you prepare for a Foo Fighters concert?
Patrick Meighan: You know why you lost this case? It can’t be argued by reason. The precedent it set would affect the public directly. And unfortunately the public doesn’t judge by reason, it judges by emotion. And you can’t appeal an emotional conviction. Nonetheless I wish you all the best in your efforts.
Samantha: He needs help, and from what I know about you, at one point in your career that would have been enough. I’m sorry you’re not who I’d hope you’d be.
[Sam rises, turns and walks out of the office]
John: Are those Tootsie Roll’s like to take?
Patrick Meighan: Those aren’t supposed to be out.
[Meighan puts the dish full of candies into his desk drawer]
[the trio seat in dejection on some footsteps outside Meighan’s office building]
Ted: So that it, I’m property. No rights, no nothing.
John: Ted, dude, I’m so sorry, man. I mean this completely sucks.
Samantha: I feel terrible, I let you guys down all over again.
John: Hey, you didn’t let us down, Sam, you did your best. And look, regardless of all this shit, I mean you’re still the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.
[Sam smiles at him and they kiss]
Ted: Oh. oh, that’s great. That’s fucking great! I’m glad you guys are so happy.
Ted: What do you mean what? I’m totally screwed here and you’re sitting there basically banging my lawyer and she’s probably still fucking billing us!
John: Well don’t yell at us, dude. We didn’t do anything!
Ted: Yeah, exactly, exactly. Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other Sam could’ve won this thing and I wouldn’t be a fucking thing. Like garbage or a piece of shit.
John: Hey, we’ve been fighting right alongside you the whole way. And remember, you’re the one who’s been pushing me to get back up on the horse. And I finally meet someone and you’re giving me shit for it?
Ted: Oh, no, no, you’re right. No, Johnny, it’s fine. You’re right. It’s fine, it’s totally fine. I got no job, no marriage and no life, but you have fun porkin’ Gollum here while I’m left with shit.
[Ted turns and starts walking off]
Ted: Who’s Gollum?
John: Oh, she’s a model.
[shouts to Ted who’s walking off]
John: Ted, come back!
Ted: Leave me alone!
[as he’s walking by himself Ted sees the sign for Comic Con and decides to go, at the same time we see Donny close by watching Ted]
Guy: Hey, Ted!
[Rick, dressed as Tick, walks over to Ted]
Guy: I thought that was you. What’s happening, man? Hey, Rick! It is Ted.
[Rick shows up dressed as Worf]
Rick: Hey, how you doing?
Ted: Hey, what’s going on?
Guy: What are you doing here?
Ted: You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts.
Ted: What are you guys doing here?
Guy: Well, you know, uh, Rick and I, we just kind of came here as a gag.
Rick: Yeah. Dress up like we’re into this shit and fuck with the nerds.
[Guy stops a nerdy looking Comic Con fan walking by them]
Guy: Hey, spas. Uh, why don’t you go and get me some big lichu, how about that?
[he gives the fan a wedgie then lets him go, the fan runs off whilst Guy and Rick laugh]
Ted: Uh-huh. Alright. Well, good luck with your dick there.
Guy: Right on. You too, man.
[as Ted walks off Guy looks at his hands]
Guy: Goddamn it! That underwear had shit on it!
[as Ted is walking around Comic Con he’s stopped by Donny dressed as Raphael from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]
Donny: Hey. Are you Ted?
Ted: Uh, yeah.
Donny: Wow. This is so exciting! I was such a big fan of yours in the early nineties.
Ted: Oh. Well, uh, thanks a lot. What’s your name?
Donny: I’m…I’m Rafael. Hey, do you think I could take a picture with you?
Ted: Uh, yeah, yeah. No problem.
Donny: Great, great. Here, follow me.
[Donny takes Ted to a deserted back room]
Ted: Uh, okay. Why are we doing this back here?
Donny: Well you’re a celebrity, I just don’t want you to get mobbed when people recognize you.
Ted: Yeah, that’s true. I’ve been mistaken for an Ewok three times today.
Ted: Alright, let’s do this.
[Donny takes his Raphael head off]
Ted: Holy shit! Donny!
Donny: It’s so good to see you, Ted. It’s been some time, hasn’t it?
Ted: Oh, what you mean since you ripped me in half?
Donny: Well that wasn’t supposed to happen. It was an accident. I have some big plans for you, Ted. Very big plans. I need you to come with me now.
Ted: Go to hell!
[Ted suddenly runs off and Donny chases after him, Ted steals a phone and calls John]
[back with John and Sam who are searching for Ted in the streets]
Samantha: He could be anywhere, we’re not gonna find him. We should just wait by the car.
John: What do you mean? We have to find him, okay? He’s a teddy bear on his own in New York for God’s sakes.
[John gets a call]
Ted: Johnny! Johnny, it’s me. You gotta help me.
John: Ted. Ted, where are you? We’ve looked everywhere for you.
Ted: I’m at Comic Con, but John, it’s Donny. He’s here. He’s after me, you gotta get over here.
John: What the fuck? Did you just say Donny?
Samantha: John, what’s going on?
Ted: Yes, it’s him. It’s…
[Ted sees Donny noticing him]
Ted: Oh, shit!
[Ted drops the phone and runs off]
John: Ted? Ted, hello?
Samantha: What’s the matter?
John: Oh, my God. Deja vu. We gotta get to Comic Con. Come on.
[John and Sam rush off]
[Donny chases Ted and then stops when he finds a display of other Ted toys where Ted is hiding]
Donny: You know, I really love Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It’s just so infectious. You just can’t help but sing along.
[Donny starts singing “Sweet Caroline”]
Donny: Hands, touching, reaching out. Touching me, touching you. Sweet Caroline…
[suddenly Ted sings out]
Ted: Bah! Bah! Bah!
[Donny jumps to grab Ted]
[Donny starts punching Ted]
Vendor: Hey! What are you doing to that bear?
Donny: I’m sorry, I, uh…
Vendor: You better be planning on buying that!
Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
Vendor: Yeah, that’s great. Forty dollars.
[Donny goes to grab some cash]
Donny: Okay. Here, that’s forty dollars.
[Donny then runs off with Ted]
[John and Sam enter Comic Con]
John: Do you see him anywhere?
Samantha: No, let’s try in there.
[to one of the fans]
Samantha: Have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear?
Comic-Con Fan: They’re about to announce the new Superman.
Film Executive: The new Superman is…Jonah Hill!
Samantha: Who’s Superman?
Samantha: I’m just kidding, I’m fucking with you. Come on.
[giving his presentation at Comic Con]
Tom Jessup: And if that is not big enough news, Hasbro will be unveiling a brand new line of Transformers merchandise next fall.
[the crowd cheers]
Tom Jessup: We’ve got a brand new line of Decepticons, that is gonna be…
[Donny is standing by the side of the stage and softly calls out to Jessup]
Donny: Hey! Fresh cakes!
Tom Jessup: …Fresh cakes.
Donny: Fresh cakes.
[Donny looks down at the unconscious Ted he’s holding under his arm]
Tom Jessup: Comic Con fans, let’s take a look at the thrilling sizzle reel with all of our exciting new toys. Take a look.
[the crowd cheers as Jessup goes backstage to join Donny]
[referring to the unconscious Ted under Donny’s arm]
Donny: Come on, there’s an empty supply room down the stairs.
Tom Jessup: Is that him?
Donny: Uh, yeah. There was an issue, so he’s unconscious now. But, yeah, this is him.
Tom Jessup: Jesus! Why did you bring him here?
Donny: Well I’ve been following him around since yesterday, this was the only chance I could get him alone. I had to move fast.
[Guy and Rick show up as Donny and Jessup are carrying Ted away]
Guy: Hey, Ted! Is that you?
Donny: Uh, yeah, he had a little too much to drink. He puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl in her stroller so we’re taking him back to sober him up.
Guy: Ah, rock on, Ted!
Donny: F, yeah.
Rick: Hey, guys, be careful out there. Some nerd spilled his lunch.
[Guy trips up a Comic Con fan]
Guy: Hey, watch that floor. It comes up fast, man.
[John and Sam run into Guy and Rick as they search for Ted]
Guy: Hey, Johnny.
Guy: Man, it’s a Goddamn party here today.
Rick: Hey, hey, I remember you from the wedding. You get a nose job?
Rick: Yes, you did, you fucking liar.
Guy: Hey, we just ran into your buddy Ted.
John: Ted? Where is he?
Guy: Well, he got a little wasted, so these two dudes took him out back to sober up.
Samantha: Did you see which way they went?
Rick: Yeah, yeah. Back hallway past the foodle booth.
John: Come On!
[John and Sam rush off]
[Ted becomes conscious and finds himself duct taped to a table]
Ted: What the fuck? What the fuck’s going on here?
Ted: Who the hell are you?
Tom Jessup: He really is extraordinary, isn’t he?
Ted: You fucking bitch, this is a kidnapping!
Donny: No, it’s not. Kidnapping only applies to people, and you, Ted, you’re property.
Ted: Yeah, so is that fucking hair piece.
[as John and Sam are rushing to find Ted Sam Jones notices John]
Sam Jones: Hey, Bennett!
John: Oh, shit.
Sam Jones: You messed up my car! What the hell is wrong with you?
John: Look, Sam, this is really a bad time, alright? Something happened to Ted.
Sam Jones: Oh, but it’s a good time for you to vandalize my Chrysler though.
John: Oh, fuck your Chrysler!
[furious Sam Jones attacks John and pushes him down and a rumble of costumed characters breaks out]
[Donny picks up knife getting ready to cut Ted open]
Ted: Holy shit! Wait! Donny! Donny! You don’t want to do this! Okay? Think about what happened to Frinway. You remember? You cut me open, that’s it. I’m gone, dead. Just a regular old teddy bear. I won’t be any fun then, will I?
Donny: This isn’t about you, Ted. You’re only one bear. We’re gonna figure out what makes you real and then we’re gonna make millions of Teds. One for every child in the world. One for me. One that loves me just as much as you love John.
Ted: Look, Donny, I can never love you. God, that sounds fucked up. Look, listen, I don’t wanna die. Okay? So, uh, what if I gave you a hand job outside your pants while you ate an ice cream?
Tom Jessup: I’ll give you a minute.
[Guy and Rick watch as the Comic Con costumed fans are all fighting each other]
Guy: Hey, check it out, nerd fight.
[suddenly one of the nerds attacks Guy but he deflects the nerd, then three other costumed nerds attack Guy and Rick taking them down]
[back with Ted and Donny]
Ted: I’ll see you in heaven, Ted.
[just as Donny is about to cut Ted open John and Sam find them]
Tom Jessup: Who the hell are you?
John: Get away from him, you bastard! Ted, you okay, buddy?
Ted: Oh, Johnny, thank God!
Tom Jessup: I’m out.
Donny: Wait, Mr. Jessup, please don’t go. Come on, we can still do this, please.
Tom Jessup: You’re on your own, Danny. I can’t be implicated in any of this.
Samantha: Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?
Tom Jessup: I work for Mattel.
John: You piece of shit. Killing a family park wasn’t enough for you, huh? Huh?! What are you gonna do now?!
[John grabs Donny]
Donny: You don’t deserve him, John. You never did. You never did!
John: Oh, I’ve waited to do this for a long time.
[John punches Donny, knocking off his toupee]
Ted: Aha, I fucking knew it!
[to Sam and Ted]
John: Come on.
[they make a run for it]
Ted: Hey, listen, Johnny. I want to tell you how sorry I am.
John: Oh, no, forget it, buddy. Look, Teddy, you were upset and I shouldn’t have brushed it off. I’m so sorry.
Ted: No, no, no, no. Listen to me. Just listen to me. You too, Sam. I acted like an asshole. Alright? I was just…I was just hurting cause I knew I’d lost. And that in the eyes of the world I’ll always be property. But you know what? Who gives a shit? Right? It doesn’t matter what the world calls me, I know who I am. And that’s all that’s important, and I know who my friends are. And honest to God, if you two want to be together, nothing would make me happier.
John: Oh, buddy, I love you for that.
Samantha: Thanks, Ted. It means a lot. And for what it’s worth, as far as I’m concerned you’re a person as much as anybody I’ve ever known.
Ted: Ah, Sam, that means the world coming from someone who went to Arizona State.
[Donny watches as Ted, John and Sam make their way across Comic Con so he decides to cut the rope holding up a giant Starship Enterprise to kill Ted]
[John pushes Ted out of the way just as the Enterprise is about to him, it hits John, throwing him across the room and makes a giant display screen land on him]
Ted: Holy shit! Johnny!
Samantha: Oh, my God. John!
Ted: Oh, Jesus.
Samantha: Are you okay?
Ted: Johnny, you alright?
Ted: Oh, my God.
Security Guard #1: Jesus, what happened here?
Samantha: The rocket ship just hit him!
Ted: Jesus Christ, that’s a Starship Enterprise. Forget it. Somebody call 911! Johnny. John, come on, stay with me, pal.
[into his radio]
Security Guard #1: We need an ambulance at, 655 West 34.
Security Guard #2: How the hell did it fall?
Samantha: I don’t know!
[Ted notices Donny in his Raphael costume a little in the distance]
Ted: It was him! The guy dressed like a Ninja Turtle.
[the guards look back and there’s are several people dressed as Ninja Turtles]
Security Guard #1: Which one?
Ted: Alright, two can play this Where’s Waldo shit, you son of a bitch. Sam, give me your phone.
[Sam gives Ted her phone, he takes it and plays Tiffany’s “I think We’re Alone Now”, not being able to help himself Donny starts dancing to it]
Ted: That’s him.
[the two guards grab hold of Donny]
Donny: Get off me!
[they take off his mask]
Donny: Get off me!
[the two guards drag Donny away, Ted rushes over to John]
Ted: Johnny? John, come on. Johnny, you gotta wake up, pal. Johnny, wake up. Wake up, Johnny. Johnny. Johnny, wake up. Johnny, wake up.
[Johnny is in the hospital in a coma as Ted, Tami-Lynn and Sam are sat around his bed]
Samantha: How is he? Is he…is he gonna come out of it?
NYC Doctor: I don’t know, Miss Jackson. We’ve doing everything we can and it’s all up to him now.
[Sam leans close to John]
Samantha: John, please wake up.
[suddenly John starts to flatline]
Samantha: Somebody help!
Tami-Lynn: Oh, my gosh. John!
Ted: John? Johnny?
[to the nurse]
Samantha: Hello? There’s something happening.
NYC Nurse: Mr. Bennett? Something is wrong.
Ted: We don’t know. What’s happening to him?
NYC Nurse: Mr. Bennett?
NYC Nurse: We have a code blue in room 134!
Tami-Lynn: What does that mean?
NYC Nurse: I’m sorry, you three are gonna have to wait outside.
Ted: What the hell’s going on?
Samantha: Is he okay?
NYC Nurse: The doctors will do everything they can, but I need you to go to the waiting area now, please.
[the doctor and nurses enter the room to work on John and shut the door on the trio]
[the next morning the doctor comes over to the trio]
NYC Doctor: I’m sorry. um, he didn’t make it.
NYC Doctor: If you’d like you can go in and say you’re goodbyes.
[the trio go in to John’s room to pay their last respects, Sam kisses him as she cries]
Ted: Oh, Johnny. You were my thunder buddy. My thunder buddy for life. And you gave up your own life to save mine. The only problem is I don’t know how my life works without you. Goodbye, John.
[as Ted begins to cry suddenly John wakes and turns his head]
John: I got you, you mother fucker!
[the trio scream in shock]
Ted: Holy shit, he’s a zombie! He’s a fucking zombie!
[Ted jumps onto John and starts punching him in the face, John then knocks him off]
John: I totally fucking got you!
Ted: Holy shit!
John: Oh, you should have seen your fucking face!
Ted: You son of a bitch!
John: Holy shit. That was fucking classic.
Ted: Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because I made you believe I was dead.
John: You made me think you were dead!
Ted: Woh! Well done, man. High five. High five.
Samantha: What the fuck is going on?!
Ted: What’s going on is this guy just won the bullshit comedy blue ribbon. You are the fucking greatest man. Holy shit. Wait, wait, wait. How was the doctor in on it?
John: Well, they got me out of it and I was totally fine so I talked him into going along as a bet. Hey, doc, it worked out hilarious, thanks!
NYC Doctor: No problem, we’re a funny hospital.
Samantha: You asshole! You think this shit is funny? Do you know how devastated I was? I put a frowning face on Facebook. How am I supposed to explain that to everybody?
John: Well, I mean you could change your relationship status from single to it’s complicated.
Samantha: You’re gonna have to do a lot better than that.
John: Well, “in a relationship with John Bennett.”
Samantha: Well, we’ll have to talk about that.
Samantha: Okay. We’re done talking.
[they kiss again]
Tami-Lynn: Hey, if you guys want to bang, me and Teddy could totally leave the room.
Ted: No, no, no. Honey, honey, they’re classy, they’re not like us. They’re good people.
[Meighan shows up at the hospital]
Patrick Meighan: I’m happy to see everyone has made a full recovery.
Samantha: Mr. Meighan?
John: What the hell?
Ted: Holy shit.
Patrick Meighan: Is it alright if I come in?
John: Sure, yeah.
Patrick Meighan: How are you feeling, John?
John: I’m alive.
Patrick Meighan: You’re very lucky. I saw what you did on TV.
Ted: Yeah, he saved my ass is what he did.
John: You know why? Because he’s a person. And no matter how many you smart ass Harvard lawyers try to keep him down, you’re not gonna change that, not in our eyes. Teddy is real, so you can go fuck yourself.
Patrick Meighan: I will. And as soon as I’m done fucking myself I’d like to take your case, Ted.
Ted: Oh, my God!
John: You heard that?
Ted: I don’t believe it!
Ted: Um, well, maybe we don’t want you now.
John: Shut up.
Ted: No, yeah, we want you. For sure, we want you.
Samantha: What made you change your mind?
Patrick Meighan: Well, when I saw what John did for you. And he was willing to give his life for yours, it gave me a kick in the ass. Reminds me of why I chose to do the kind of work I do. I’m sorry I turned you away. I was wrong. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who can inspire that kind of love in another person deserves to be called human.
Ted: You mean it?
Patrick Meighan: I certainly do. So, shall we get started?
[back in court Meighan argues Ted’s case in front of the jury]
Patrick Meighan: What defines a person? What defines property? What’s the difference? The anthropologist and ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes argues that the standards for personhood includes self-awareness, an ability to understand complex emotions, and the capacity for empathy. And we are all in agreement that Ted is self-aware.
Ted: What is your name?
Patrick Meighan: Ted Clubberlang.
Patrick Meighan: As for the complex emotions and a capacity for empathy, we all saw the distressing images of Ted agonizing over his fallen friend John Bennett. In those images, Ted exhibits all of the
remaining qualities of personhood. It’s right there for anyone to see. And I believe that a just court must by definition grant basic human rights to all those who deserve them. Just as the Emancipation Proclamation and the 13th Amendment did so many years ago. So, ladies and gentlemen of the court, I invite you to change the world.
[after winning the case Ted walks out of the building to a cheering crowd]
Ted: Well, Johnny, this is the second time you’ve made me real. Thanks, pal.
John: Hey, you were always real to me, buddy, even when you weren’t.
Samantha: Congratulations, Ted.
Ted: Thanks, Sam.
[they walk down the steps as the crowd continues to cheer, Ted is then stopped by a reporter]
Reporter: This is quite a victory for you. Is there any statement that you’d like to make now that you’re legally a person?
Ted: Yes, there is.
[he turns to Tami-Lynn and kneels on one knee]
Ted: Tami-Lynn McCafferty, will you marry me?
[the crowd cheers again]
Narrator: [voice over] And so our story comes to an end. Ted and Tami-Lynn were married once again, and soon afterwards they adopted a fine young baby boy.
[we see Ted, Tami-Lynn with their baby as John and Sam are with them]
Ted: Johnny, meet your new godson, Apollo Creed Clubberlang.
John: Oh, Teddy, he’s adorable.
Samantha: Oh, and we got something for him too.
Samantha: Show him. Show him.
John: Oh shit, yeah. Hold on.
[John opens a box and takes out a tiny Ted toy]
Tami-Lynn: Oh, Johnny, it’s perfect.
[to the baby]
John: Hey, you know, maybe someday, if you wish hard enough, maybe he’ll come to life. And you guys can do all kinds of drugs together.
Ted: That is all I want for him.
Tami-Lynn: Oh, it smells like somebody’s got a poopie diaper. Teddy, it’s your turn to change him.
Ted: Oh, yeah. No problem.
[there’s pause and we hear]
Ted: Oh, fuck me!
Tami-Lynn: What’s the matter?
Ted: That can’t be normal. He’s gotta be sick.
Tami-Lynn: He’s not sick, it’s just baby doodie.
John: Yeah, that’s what babies do, Teddy.
Ted: Oh, you don’t think this diaper’s gross?
Ted: Alright, here, catch.
John: Oh, Teddy! What the fuck?! Holy shit! You mother fucker!
[we hear Ted taking a photo]
Ted: Hashtag, “Shit happens.”
[after credit scene; we see a beat-up looking Liam Neeson stagger back into the grocery store to return the box of Trix cereal]
Total Quotes: 172
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