Ted Quotes

(Page 2)

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Samantha: Your honor, I’d like to call Ted Clubberlang to the stand.
Ted: Yes! My turn, assholes.
[Ted runs to take his seat at the stand]
Samantha: Ted, do you love your wife?
Shep Wild: Objection! She’s not his wife. The marriage was annulled.
Samantha: I rephrase. Do you love Tami-Lynn?
Ted: I love my wife. Okay, my wife! More than anything in the world. We’re married, I don’t care what anybody says.
Samantha: So you’re saying you are capable of feeling love?
Ted: Yeah.


 

Ted: Hey, it must be weird for you guys having a doll up here on the stand with no kid pointing to where his uncle touched him.
[he chuckles]
Ted: Yeah. No, yeah. I am capable. I love a lot of stuff, yeah.
Samantha: Ted, do you believe you have a soul?ted-2-14
[Ted starts to sing]
Ted: “What did you think I would do at this moment, when you’re standing before me with tears in your eyes.” Does that answer your question?
Shep Wild: Objection! Your Honor.
Judge: Overruled.
Ted: Yeah. What it is man.
[the judge and Ted high five each other]


 

Ted: Look, I’m not a scientist. Okay? I don’t know exactly what makes a person a person. All I know is I feel stuff, just like all you guys, and I don’t think I ought to be treated any different.
[Sam turns to the jury]
Samantha: Capable of love. Aware of his own consciousness. It seems pretty human to me. No further questions.


 

Shep Wild: Mr. Kidder, you were an employee at Hasbro from 1976 to 1998, is that correct?
Todd Kidder: Yes, I supervised the stuffing of the teddy bears.
Shep Wild: And what is that stuffing made of?
Synthetic cotton, poly blend.
Shep Wild: Is there anything else in there?
The bear products are affixed with an electronic device in the chest, which can be programmed to say any one of five phrases.
[Shep turns to Ted]
Shep Wild: Ted, would you please press your chest?
What?
Judge: Please follow the instructions, Mr. Clubberlang.
[Ted presses his chest and the recorded “I love you!” phrase is played, which causes a murmur of shock from the crowd and jury]
Shep Wild: No further questions.


 

[we see TV news of Ted’s case]
Boston Newscaster: Also in the news, a pending court case is beginning to get national attention for its civil rights ramification. Ted the bear, who some of you may remember came to life back in the mid-eighties right here in Boston, is suing to prove he is indeed a person.


 

[CNN news coverage with pundits discussing Ted’s case]
Pundit #1: Okay, so what are we even talking about here?
Pundit #2: What we’re talking about is a civil rights issue. This bear has rights.
Pundit #3: He does not!
Pundit #4: Oh, come on!
Pundit #3: He’s a toy!
Pundit #1: Then why are you calling it a he?
Pundit #4: Look, we call it the Statue of Liberty a she, but we all know it’s an object made of copper and steel.
Pundit #3: Good point.
Pundit #2: Yes, but…but she isn’t conscious or sentient, he is.
Pundit #1: Mm-hmm.


 

[Fox news coverage with their pundits discussing Ted’s case]
Pundit #1: Now, come on! Are you any of you going to sit there and tell me that this stuffed doll is a person?
Pundit #2: No.
Pundit #3: Not at all.
Pundit #4: We all agree, all the time.


 

[Jimmy Kimmel’s monologue on Ted’s case]
Jimmy Kimmel: I don’t think he should want to be considered a person. I mean, after all, you know Ted spent many years sleeping and cuddling with a child. That’s cute when you’re a stuffed animal, when you’re a person that’s a felony.
[the audience laughs]


 

[SNL skit on Ted’s case with Killam pretending to be Shep Wild, Kate McKinnon as Sam, and Moynihan dressed in a giant teddy bear suit]
Taran Killam: Ted, do you have anything to say in your own defense?
Bobby Moynihan: I am not an animal!
Kate McKinnon: You see, Your Honor, he’s not an animal.
[Moynihan sniffs the air then attacks McKinnon]
Kate McKinnon: I’m sorry, Your Honor, I’m on my period.
Taran, Bobby, Kate: And live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night”!


 

[back in court as they wait for the jury to make their decision]
Tami-Lynn: What is taking them so long?
John: Well is it bad that they’re taking this long?
Samantha: It’s not good nor bad, it just…it just means they’re probably having a debate.
Ted: You know, John, it may be time to play the Beetlejuice card.
John: What do you mean?
Ted: I mean, saying his name three times…
John: What?
Ted: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice…
John: Shut up. Are you fucking crazy? We don’t want that guy running around in here.
Ted: No, Johnny, he’ll be on our side. He’ll help us. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice…
John: You are meddling with powers you don’t understand. Cut the shit!


 

[the judge and jury enter the court]
Judge: Please be seating. Mr. Willer, has the jury reached a verdict?
Uh, yes, we have, Your Honor. In the case of Ted vs The Common Wealth of Massachusetts, we the jury find for The Common Wealth in that Ted is not a person.
[Ted, Sam, John and Tami-Lynn all look shocked and upset]
Judge: Very well. The plaintiff is hereby legally deemed property. The definition entails the rights there of and will be recognized in the terms set by the state of Massachusetts. The court wishes to thank the jury for its service.


 

[back at Hasbro Donny shows Jessup the latest news headline “Ted Declared Property”]
Tom Jessup: Are you sure you can get him? Remember, you’re on your own out there.
Hasbro can have no connection to this.
Donny: Oh, I’ll get him. And when I have him I’m gonna call you with the code phrase. Do you remember what it is?
Tom Jessup: Yes, I remember.
Donny: Well can you say it, just for safety?
Tom Jessup: That’s not necessary…
Donny: Say it.
Tom Jessup: I don’t want to say it.
Donny: Say it.
Tom Jessup: I don’t have to say it.
Donny: Say it. Say it.
Tom Jessup: Fresh cakes.
Donny: Fresh cakes.


 

[back at John’s apartment]
Tami-Lynn: You know this isn’t fucking fair. Teddy’s a good man. Why is he being treated differently than everybody else?
Ted: It’s what this country does best. Putting different people in little groups and makin’ ’em watch Tyler Perry. It’s wrong! I’m so sorry, baby.
Samantha: No, I’m sorry. I…I thought I’d built a better case. It’s just that the reality is you have a really shitty lawyer.
John: Hey, come on. Alright? Nobody’s blaming you for this, you did everything you could.
Ted: I just, I’m sitting here and I can’t believe it’s official.


 

John: Right, so what are we gonna do now? I mean, we can’t take this lying down. We gotta do something.
Samantha: You know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna call Patrick Meighan.
Ted: Who’s that?
Samantha: He is the top civil rights attorney in America.
John: Wait, is he the one who got that female midget into the marines?
Samantha: Yeah.
Ted: Yeah, that had a sad ending though. You remember she was in a veteran state parade and somebody handed her a bunch of bunch of balloons and pffft, gone. It’s very sad. Very sad for the family.
Samantha: You know what? If anyone can get this verdict overturned it’s him. He’s not cheap, but we’ve become such a high profile case I feel like he might take it pro bono. He’s a sucker for media.


 

Samantha: Hi, I’m calling for Patrick Meighan. This is Samantha Jackson, I defended Ted Clubberlang in Ted vs Massachusetts.
[as Sam is making her call we see in the background Ted and John fighting over the one beer that John had in his fridge]
Samantha: Hi, Mr. Meighan, thank you so much for taking my call. Oh, you’ve been following the case? That’s great. Yeah, that’s actually why I’m calling. Yeah, I was wondering if, um, maybe you would consider helping us try to overturn the verdict.
[John and Ted continue to fight over the beer, beating each other up]
Samantha: Well, yeah, I mean, it would have to be a pro bono situation because we’re really not working with much money, but I think you’ll be impressed with my client.
[Ted hides and shakes the beer bottle, he gives the bottle to John and when John opens it the beer goes everywhere]
Ted: Aha, mother fucker!
Samantha: Sure. Yeah, great. Okay, thank you so much. Okay, I’ll see you then. Bye.


 

[referring to Meighan]
Samantha: Oh, my God! He said he’ll meet with us on Friday at 9 a.m. at his office in New York.
John: Is he gonna take the case?
Samantha: I don’t want to jinx it, but I think so.
Ted: Oh, my God! Did you hear that, Johnny? I still got a shot!
Tami-Lynn: Oh, my God! We gotta celebrate!
John: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Ted: Let’s go down to the improv and yell out suggestions?
John: Fuck, yeah!


 

[at the improv club]
Comic: So first we need a historical event. Who’s got an event?
Ted: 9/11!
Comic: Oh, okay. Okay. Maybe something else. Ah, let’s start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay. Alright, for real guys. For real. Who’s got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we’ve heard from these guys. Let’s give somebody else over here a chance. Um, how about a location? Let’s go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay, seriously, sir, uh, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: German Wings cockpit!


 

Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No, you didn’t.
John: Nobody said Starbucks!
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who’s in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby!
Comic: You people are monsters.
John: We’re giving you the tools, buddy. Come on, make some fuckin’ comedy.


 

[Ted, John and Sam get ready to leave for New York]
Ted: Alright, we’ll be back tomorrow afternoon.
Tami-Lynn: I love you so much, Teddy. You go kick some ass, because I am not taking of this wedding ring.
Ted: I love you too, baby. I’ll see you soon.
[Tami-Lynn kneels down and kisses Ted]


 

[as Sam drives them to New York]
Ted: Hey, Sam why do you have a double bag that says Arizona State?
Samantha: Cause that’s where I went to school.
John: You went to  Arizona State?
Samantha: Yeah, why?
Ted: Oh, man. That’s why we lost the case.
John: Hello!
Samantha: You’re dicks.
Ted: Arizona State. Hey, how many times you been fucked on a house boat?
[John and Sam laugh]
Samantha: Oh, come on!
John: Did you write your dissertation on the collective work of, uh, Red Bull?
Samantha: Yeah. Yeah, I did. I got an A on it.
Ted: So you say Arizona State University or do you just say HPVU?


 

[the trio have stopped off for a break at a diner]
Samantha: This is perfect. We’re gonna get to the city before ten.
Ted: Hey, Sam, how’s your boring salad?
Samantha: Oh, it’s actually delicious.
John: Everybody always say that about their salads, they’re all a bunch of fucking liars.
Samantha: No, I love it. It’s really good.
John: Have some cookie crisps, you need something nutritional.
Samantha: Why do you think I want your cookie crisp?
John: Because you’ve been staring at it and you want it.
Samantha: No!


 

Ted: Hey, what’s the deal here? Are you guys ever gonna make out or what?
John: Teddy, come on, dude!
Ted: What? I’m just…I’m just sayin’. You look like you’re hitting it off, you know? I mean, Sam, Sam, you dig him, right?
[Sam just smiles]


 

[they hear a customer sat at the diner counter with his back to them and his ass crack showing yell at the waitress]
Blind Guy: Hey, where the hell is my coffee? I’ve been waiting for ten minutes!
Diner Waitress: I’m so sorry, sir, I forget. I’ll get it right away.
Blind Guy: Jesus, you’re a waitress, you’re not building rockets, figure it out!
John: What a prick. Hey, twenty bucks I can toss a cookie crisp into his ass crack.
Samantha: Wait, let me try. I used to pitch for the softball team at Arizona State.
Ted: Oh, yeah? Was your mascot a broken condom?
Samantha: Shut up.
[Sam tosses the cookie and it lands straight into the customer’s ass crack]
Samantha: Oh!


 

[after Sam tosses a cookie into the customer’s ass crack]
Blind Guy: Who did that?
[the customer turns and they see he is blind]ted-2-15
Ted: Oh, Jesus Christ. You gotta be kidding me.
[to Sam]
John: Now we’re assholes. Look what you did.
Blind Guy: I swear to God I’ll kick your goddamn ass! Who was it?
Ted: Um, sir, I apologize for my five year old son.
[John starts speaking a child’s voice]
John: I’m sorry. Sorry, sir. Cookie crisp in your bum bumsies, I’m sorry.
Blind Guy: Well, under the circumstances, I guess it’s okay.
Samantha: Oh, my God. Now we’re even bigger assholes.
John: Go get my cookie crisp out of his ass.


 

[the waitress comes over to their table]
Waitress: You guys making trouble over here?
John: Uh, no ma’am. We’re just minding our business.
[to Sam]
Waitress: Well just try to keep your boyfriend under control here, yeah?
Samantha: Oh, he’s not my boyfriend.
Waitress: Oh, good.
John: Uh, we’ll just get the check, thanks.
Waitress: Of course.
[she smiles at John and leaves]


 

[referring to the waitress]
Ted: Oh, my God. John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the “Fuck me” eyes.
John: No, she wasn’t.
Ted: She was giving you the “Fuck me” eyes.
Samantha: What are the “Fuck me” eyes?
Ted: It’s…some women just have “Fuck me” eyes.
Samantha: Do I have “Fuck me” eyes?
Ted: No, you have the “Give us the ring, my precious” eyes.


 

John: Well, we’d better get going. We got two hours of driving left and I’m kind of beat.
Samantha: Yeah, we gotta be well rested for tomorrow.
Ted: Alright, I’ll drive. You can take a nap.
Samantha: You don’t have a license.
Ted: Well who cares? Johnny lets me drive every once in a while when he’s hammered. I’m a fucking pro. Besides, you know, I’ve been…I’ve been kicked around a lot this week. I just, I want to feel useful, you know?
Samantha: Twenty minutes behind the wheel.
Ted: Yay!


 

[Ted drives the car as Sam and John sleep, as he drives heh but drops his cigarette on himself, loses control of the car and ends up going through a deserted barn in the woods]
John: What the fuck?
Ted: Well, Sam, it’s been twenty minutes. You want to take over?


 

[Sam and Ted are sat outside the barn]
Ted: Hey, listen Sam, I’m real sorry. That barn just came out of nowhere.
Samantha: No, no, it’s my fault. I, I, uh…I should never have let you drive.
Ted: Yeah, well, you were wrong. You were wrong to do that.
Samantha: Yeah.
Ted: Um, you know, that and the trial are the only two things you fucked up, so, uh…
John: Yeah, I can’t see shit in there. We’ll have to wait till tomorrow to get the car out.
Samantha: Uh, wait, are we gonna spend the night here?
John: Yeah, it’ll be fine. We just gotta find some firewood.


 

[as John and Ted are picking up firewood, John finds a marijuana leaf on the ground]
John: What the hell? Holy shit! Hey, Ted! You know what this is? It’s Super Lemon Haze. It’s a really rare strand, it’s a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. It’s totally potent. I mean I’ve only had it once in my life and it was ones of the best highs I ever had. What the hell is a leaf of this stuff doing out in the middle of a…?
[Ted turns John’s head and they look in shock upon a whole field of Super Lemon Haze]
John: Dear God. Dear God in heaven.
Ted: It’s so beautiful. It’s so beautiful.
Samantha: No words. No words. I should have studied poems.
Ted: They move it in herds. The do move in herds.


 

[later they are all sat by a fire as Sam lights up her bong, which is in the shape of a penis, filled with the Super Lemon Haze]
John: Please tell me that’s not the only bong you brought on this trip.
Ted: Yeah, Sam, this puts us in a kind of awkward position here. I mean, we want to get high too.
John: I don’t have any paper.
[pointing to her bong]
Samantha: Is this hilarious? I got it at baccalaureate party. It’s so stupid.
[offering it to John]
Samantha: Here, try it.
John: Uh, no.
Samantha: Why?
John: I don’t want to put a big class cock in my mouth.
Samantha: Oh, you think this is big?
[Ted laughs]
Ted: Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.
Samantha: This is all I brought.


 

Ted: Okay, how about this? I’m gonna go check out the barn and I’m gonna see if I can find like a soda can or something for us to make an actual bong.
John: Yeah, see if you can make a non-dick bong.
Ted: Yeah. Hey, you know that’s the name of the South Korean president, right?
[Ted laughs but John and Sam just stare at him]
Ted: She gets it. You get it. Right?
[he chuckles to himself]
Ted: What? Okay, I’ll be right back.
[Ted turns and walks off]


 

Samantha: Sorry.
John: No, I… This is nice. You know? I mean, I always wanted my ex-wife to get stoned with me, but she never would, so.
Samantha: Really? Wow. That’s the cornerstone of any great marriage.
John: I agree.
[they both laugh]
John: So you think this Meighan guy is gonna help us?
Samantha: I mean, honestly I don’t know. Um, but we’re going to the right place.
John: Listen, I just really want to thank you for all you’ve done, all you’re doing for us. I know it’s not making you rich.
Samantha: Please, there are more important things in life than money.


 

Samantha: Look, I don’t know what kind of mojo was in that wish you made when you were a child, but this bear is alive. And it seems to me that once the law devalues one kind of life, how soon before it devalues another? Who gets subjugated after the bear?
John: You’re really smart, you know that? How come you do not have a guy?
Samantha: Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? I’m supposed to date some pale blotchy guy with a wife beater under his Burns jacket and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope!
John: Yeah, that’s so dumb.
[John pulls up his socks quickly to hide the tattoo on his calf]


 

[Ted returns from the barn]
Ted: Well, I couldn’t’ find any cans but I gotta tell you there’s some awesome shit in that barn. Take a look at this, I found a cowboy hat, and a rifle and a guitar.
John: Hey, be careful with that, huh?
Ted: No, no, it’s okay. It’s not loaded.
[Ted shoots the rifle it goes off blasting Ted off]
Ted: And my fucking nose came off.


 

John: I wonder who all this belongs to. I mean, maybe we should find someplace else.
Samantha: We’re in the middle of nowhere. I mean, if we get out of here by dawn we should be fine, right?
[Sam starts playing the guitar Ted brought from the barn]
John: You play the guitar?
Samantha: A little bit. I learned when I was a kid.
[Sam starts singing a song to the as she plays the guitar]


 

[the next morning after Sam and John have managed to get the car down from the barn]
Ted: So listen, I gotta ask. Was it just kissing last night or was there finger stuff?
[the guitar is thrown at Ted knocking off him from the hay he was sitting on]


 

[as they continue on their journey to New York with Sam driving]
Ted: We got a lot of pot in this car, I wish we could smoke it.
John: Well, we’re gonna smoke it, alright? But just put it under the seat for now, we don’t wanna go to jail.
Ted: Yeah, that’s a good idea.


 

[Ted notices Sam’s penis shaped bong on top of the weed, he decides to smoke some pot using the bong, John notices and takes a photo of Ted]
Ted: Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing?!
John: Hashtag, “My amazing summer.”
Ted: Goddamn it! What the hell’s wrong with you?
John: Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.
Ted: What do you mean? I was just messing around.
John: Oh, shut up and suck that dick.
Ted: Oh, fuck you!


 

[as they are heading into New York they almost hit three people dressed as Darth Vader, a Stormtrooper and a Jedi as they are about to cross the road]
Obi-Wan: Woh, woh, woh!
John: Jesus!
Samantha: Watch where you’re going!
Stormtrooper: It’s a crossroad, jackass! We have right of way!
Obi-Wan: Yeah.
John: Woh! Hey, what the hell you do walking around dressed like Star Wars?
Obi-Wan: It’s Comic Con, you idiot! We’re going down to the Javits Center.
John: Well you’re the idiots, cause you three guys would never be walkin’ together!
Ted: Yeah, you’re his boss and you two guys are enemies!
Samantha: Yeah, bite me, Captain Kirk!
John: Hey, hey!
Ted: Woh, woh. No, no, no.
John: Come on, that’s Star Trek.
Ted: Yeah, that’s two different franchises.


 

[referring to Sam]
John: Yeah, sorry, guys. She doesn’t know.
Stormtrooper: Nah, it’s okay. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
Obi-Wan: Alright, let’s go.
[as the Stormtrooper and Obi-Wan turn to leave Darth Vader extends his hand towards Sam, John and Ted and tries to use his powers]
Obi-Wan: Hey, come on. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it.
[the other two drag Darth Vader away]

 


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Total Quotes: 172

 

 

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