Ted
Quotes: Crude But Funny As Hell!
(Total Quotes: 93)
Ted quotes are most definitely not for the easily offended. They are rude, crude and vulgar but most definitely full of laugh out loud moments. The story centers on a grown man whose childhood wish that his teddy bear would come to life comes true and refuses to leave his side ever since. As many reviewers have already pointed out this is very much in-line with the kind of humor Family Guy delivers with the relationship between Mark Wahlberg's character and Ted being very similar to the relationship between Peter and Brian on Family Guy. The script is hilarious and full of politically incorrect gags, this is not a comedy movie recommended for anyone turned off by taboo subjects, you have been fully warned! Summed up Ted quotes are foul mouthed, silly, utterly predictable, totally inconsequential but funny as hell! It feels devilishly wrong but at the same time gut-bustingly hilarious. These are some of the quotes taken from the movie; note that this is NOT the script!
Directed by: Seth MacFarlane
Written by:
Seth MacFarlane (story & screenplay)
Alec Sulkin (screenplay)
Wellesley Wild (screenplay)
Starring:
Mark Wahlberg - John Bennett
Mila Kunis - Lori Collins
Seth MacFarlane - Ted (voice)
Joel McHale - Rex
Giovanni Ribisi - Donny
Patrick Warburton - Guy
Matt Walsh - Thomas
Jessica Barth - Tami-Lynn
Aedin Mincks - Robert
Bill Smitrovich - Frank
Patrick Stewart - Narrator
Norah Jones - Herself
Sam J. Jones - Himself
Tom Skerritt - Himself
Bretton Manley - Young John
Ralph Garman - John's Dad
Alex Borstein - John's Mom
John Viener - Alix
Laura Vandervoort - Tanya
Robert Wu - Asian Man 'Ming'
Ginger Gonzaga - Gina
Jessica Stroup - Tracy
Melissa Ordway - Michelle
Max Harris - Greenbaum Kid
Zane Cowans - Kid #1 / Young Ted's Voice
Ted
Quotes Page
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[first
lines; movie
opens in Boston, 1985]Narrator: [voice over] It has been said that magic vanished from our world a long time ago and that humanity can no longer fulfill its desires through the power of wishes. To those who have lost the wondrous vision of childhood eyes, submitted here is the story of a boy and a magical Christmas wish that changed his life for ever. It began in 1985, in a town just outside Boston, it was Christmas Eve and all the children were in high spirits. That special time of year, when Boston children gather together and beat up the Jewish kids. But there was one child who wasn't in such good spirits, little John Bennett. That one boy in every neighborhood who just has a tough time making friends.
[we see young John trying to join playing with the neighborhood kids, who are beating up another kid, but they tell him to get lost]
Narrator: [voice over] John longed, with all his heart, for that one true friend that he could call his own. And he knew that, if he ever found that friend, he would never let him go.
Narrator: [voice over] Well, as it does every year, Christmas morning finally came. All the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee. And for little John Bennett, Christmas day brought a very special new arrival.
[we see young John opening his Christmas present, which is a teddy bear]
Young John: Wow!
John's Dad: I guess Santa paid attention to how good you were this year, huh?
John's Mom: Merry Christmas, John.
[John hugs the teddy bear and it sets off the automated teddy voice which says; 'I love you!']
Young John: He talks! I'm gonna name you Teddy.
Narrator: [voice over] John became instantly attached to Teddy. There was something about that bear that made him feel as if he finally had a friend with whom he could share his deepest secrets.
[as John lies in bed he hugs Teddy which sets off his recorded 'I love you!' message]
Young John: I love you too, Teddy. You know, I wish you could really talk to me. Because then we could be best friends for ever and ever!
Narrator: [voice over] Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing's more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles, it is an unbelievably impressive compliment of weaponry, an absolute death machine. Well, as it turned out John picked a perfect night to make a wish.
[next morning after wishing his Teddy could talk, John wakens to find his Teddy missing and starts looking for it around his room]
Young John: Teddy? Teddy? Teddy?
[as John looks for Ted under his bed he suddenly hears a voice and turns to see Teddy]
Young Ted: Hug me!
[John screams in fear]
Young Ted: You're my best friend, John.
Young John: Did you...did you just talk?
Young Ted: Don't looks so surprised. You're the one who wished for it, aren't you?
Young John: Yeah. I did wish for it.
Young Ted: Well, here I am.
Young John: You mean, we get to be best friends for real?
Young Ted: For real.
Young John: For ever and ever?
Young Ted: Sounds good to me.
[John and Ted hug each other]
[as Ted and young John are hugging]
Narrator: [voice over] John was just about the happiest boy in the world, and he couldn't wait to tell everyone the good news.
[John hurries downstairs to tell his parents]
Young John: Mom, dad, guess what? My Teddy Bear's alive!
John's Mom: Well, isn't that exciting.
Young John: No, mom, he's really alive! Look!
[Ted enters the kitchen]
Young Ted: Merry Christmas, everybody!
[John's mom start screaming in fear and his father shouts]
John's Dad: Jesus H fuck!
Young Ted: Let's all be best friends!
John's Mom: Oh, my God! Oh God!
John's Dad: John, get away from that thing. Get over here! Right now!
Young John: But dad!
John's Dad: Get over here!
John's Mom: Listen to your father! Come over here!
[John goes over to his parents]
John's Dad: Helen, get my gun!
Young John: Dad! No!
Young Ted: Is it a hugging gun?
John's Dad: Helen, get my gun and call the police!
Young Ted: I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett. I didn't mean to scare anybody. I just wanted John and I to be friends.
Young John: Yeah, dad. I made a wish last night that Teddy was alive. My wish came true!
[Ted nods his head]
John's Mom: Oh, my God! It's a miracle. It's a Christmas miracle. You're just like the baby Jesus.
Narrator: [voice over] Well, it wasn't long before the story of John's little miracle was sweeping the nation.
[we see different news reporters on the TV talking about Ted]
Narrator: [voice over] Before long, Teddy had become a huge celebrity in his own right.
[we see as Ted gets invited on the Johnny Carson show]
Johnny Carson: Hello, Teddy.
[Carson shakes Ted's hand and the audience laughs]
Johnny Carson: You...you uh... surprise me. I...for some reason I thought you were going to be taller.
[the audience laughs]
Young Ted: I thought you were going to be funnier.
[Carson laughs and the audience laughs and claps]
Narrator: [voice over] But through all the fame, Teddy never forgot his very best friend, John.
[we see Ted and John under the covers in John bed hiding from the noise of thunder]
Young John: The thunder can't get us, right?
Young Ted: Nope. We're thunder buddies, and the thunder knows it. We're totally safe.
Young John: Teddy?
Young Ted: Yeah, John?
Young John: Do you promise we'll always be together?
Young Ted: I promise. Thunder buddies for life.
Young John: Thunder buddies for life.
Narrator: [voice over] And that was a promise that neither one of them ever forgot.
Narrator: [voice over] So, where are John and Teddy today? Well, let me put it this way. No matter how big a splash you make in this world, whether you're a Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking Teddy Bear, eventually nobody gives a shit.
[present day; we see Ted and John sitting on the couch, smoking pot and watching old cartoons]
Ted: Look, all I'm sayin' is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than
women from the else where's of life.John Bennett: That's bullshit. What about Lori? She's hot.
Ted: No, Lori is from Pennsylvania. That's not a Boston girl.
John Bennett: They're not that bad.
Ted: See, the fact that you have to say; 'they're not that bad', means that they are that bad. Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?
[he starts imitating the accent]
Ted: 'Oh, yah! Oh, yah! Harder! Harder! Oh, God! That was so good! Now I'm gonna stuff my fuckin' face with Pepperidge Farm!'
[referring to the pot]
Ted: Jesus, this is weak! It's not even gettin' me high. I think I'm gonna have a talk with my weed guy.
John Bennett: It's workin' for me.
Ted: I think it sucks, I'm gonna have a talk with him.
John Bennett: I don't know that you wanna go to a drug dealer with complaints.
Ted: No, I've known this guy a long time. I've known him since 9/11. Do you remember? I was like; 'Oh, shit, 9/11. I gotta get high.'
John Bennett: Is it nine thirty?
Ted: Yeah.
John Bennett: Shit! I gotta get to work! I don't know if I can drive!
[John gets up form the couch and runs to get ready]
Ted: It's okay, I'll drive. Yeah, I feel fine.
[Ted drives John to work, a rental car agency, as Ted goes to park the car he hits the car parked beside them]
John Bennett: Fuck!
Ted: Oh, shit!
John Bennett: Oh, man!
[John gets out of the car and goes to inspect the damage to the car]
Ted: Oh, Johnny. I'm sorry, man. That...that car just came out of nowhere. Oh, God! Is it bad?
[we see the drivers side John's car is pretty beat up as is the front of the other car]
[John's boss calls him into his office after he arrives late and Ted crashes his car]
Thomas: John, it's almost ten o'clock.
John Bennett: I know, sir. I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault.
Thomas: What do you mean?
John Bennett: Well, I...I guess I wasn't really prepared for a follow up question.
Thomas: John, all you gotta do is not fuck up, and you get my job when I got to corporate next month. You're the new branch manager, all you gotta do is not fuck up.
John Bennett: I realize that.
Thomas: Good. Glad to hear it. Cause in a month, my life could be your life. A cushy, thirty eight thousand dollar a year branch manager, who's personal friends with Tom Skerritt. Not a bad life, is it?
John Bennett: No.
Thomas: I wanna show you something'. I don't like to show people, cause I don't want them treatin' me differently.
[he takes a large picture in a frame from his desk drawer]
Thomas: Boh! That's me and Skerritt.
John Bennett: Wow!
Thomas: Goddamn right, wow. I'm gonna dock you for dingin' the car and for showin' up late today, alright? Try and be a little more responsible tomorrow.
John Bennett: I will, sir. I promise. I'm not gonna let you down, goose.
Thomas: What?
John Bennett: Top Gun.
Thomas: So?
John Bennett: Tom Skerritt.
Thomas: I know that. Get out of here, okay?
John Bennett: Thank you, sir.
[after John's left his boss' office, he sees his co-worker sporting a large black eye]
Guy: Hear you got busted.
John Bennett: Jesus, Guy! You look like shit, man! What happened?
John Bennett: You don't remember it?
Guy: No, same as the last time.
John Bennett: It just seems kind of gay, doesn't it?
Guy: I don't know, maybe, yeah.
John Bennett: Well, do you think you're part of some like gay beat-up underworld? Like one of those gay beat-up clubs or somethin'?
Guy: I don't know. I dig chicks, man. I don't remember any of it, I was so fucked up. I might be gay, I don't know. Hey, do you mind covering for me for a bit? I might go lay down in the John.
[turning to his co-workers]
John Bennett: Hey, guys, anybody know a nice restaurant? Like somethin' where they give out pink bubble gum in the bathrooms?
Guy: For what?
John Bennett: Lori and I have been datin' for four years tomorrow, I wanna take her some place really nice.
Tanya: Oh, congratulations, John.
Guy: You guys have been goin' out for four years? My last relationship, was like, six months. And then she farted in her sleep, I'm like, I'm outta here, man. I was gone before she woke up.
John Bennett: Boy, he's not very tolerant, huh?
Guy: Lori ever fart in front of you?
John Bennett: Yeah.
Guy: Really?
John Bennett: Yeah, many times.
[referring to Lori]
Tanya: John, look, don't you think after four years, maybe she's hoping for something more than dinner?
John Bennett: Like what?
Tami-Lynn: I don't know. But if it were me, I'd be expecting a proposal.
John Bennett: Oh, come on! Nobody's expecting anybody to propose. I mean, marriage isn't...well, I mean, isn't love enough? I assume that love is enough.
Guy: You can put the ring in her ass, let her fart it out.
[as they are sat on the couch, smoking pot and watching re-runs of Flash Gordon]
Ted: Hey, by the way. Don't let me forget that you and I gotta nail down a plan for the Rawlings game tomorrow.
John Bennett: Oh, no. I can't. I'm taking Lori to dinner.
Ted: For what?
John Bennett: Well, we've been datin' four years tomorrow.
Ted: Well, fuck me. Nice.
John Bennett: Let me ask you something. You don't think she's gonna be expecting something big, do you?
Ted: What, like anal?
John Bennett: No! Like uh...concircular gold thing on her finger?
Ted: Oh, fuck that! It's been four years, Johnny. You and me have been together for twenty seven years. Where's my ring? Huh? Where's my ring, asshole?
[he climbs onto Johns lap and starts playfully hitting him]
John Bennett: Stop it!
Ted: Where's my ring, motherfucker?
John Bennett: Come on!
Ted: Put it on my fuzzy finger, you fuck! Come on!
John Bennett: Alight! Alright! Knock it off!
[John pushes Ted away]
Ted: Alright, I'm just sayin'.
John Bennett: I mean, but do you think she's might be expecting me to make that kind of
John Bennett: Hell, I guess I didn't think about that.
Ted: Well, that's...you know, that's a factor.
[they sit in silence for a moment as they watch the Flash Gordon movie]
John Bennett: This is the American fantasy right here. A professional and a field player is called upon to save the world.
Ted: Tom Brady could do that.
John Bennett: Tom Brady could do that!
[after Lori enters the apartment]
John Bennett: What do you go there?
Lori Collins: Turkey burgers.
Ted: Oh, turkey burgers. So are we havin' homosexuals over for dinner, tonight, is it?
Lori Collins: No, just you homo.
Ted: Woh!
John Bennett: Woh!
Ted: You kind of just reworded my joke, but...ha!
Ted: Hey, Johnny, how about a beer, huh?
John Bennett: Ooh, couple of Charles Brewkowski's?
Ted: Brew Stojkovski's?
John Bennett: Maybe a Mybrewger Slavski?
Ted: Perhaps a Teddy Brewski?
John Bennett: That's a good one.
Lori Collins: You know, I think I too want a Martina Navratibrewski.
John Bennett: Oh, no! No! No!
Ted: No! No! No!
John Bennett: That's doesn't work.
Ted: No. Don't ruin it. No.
Lori Collins: Bullshit! That totally worked!
Ted: No. No.
Lori Collins: Yeah, it does!
John Bennett: It doesn't work.
Ted: It doesn't work.
John Bennett: A name has to have a 'ski' at the end of it and you just put 'brewski' at the end of Martina Navratilova, so.
Lori Collins: Well, I just thought we were saying funny names.
Ted: No. No. It has...it has to have a 'ski' at the end of it, otherwise, where's the challenge? You know? If there's no 'ski' at the end of the root word, then we would just be idiots sayin' nonsense.
[reading the paper in bed, as they get ready to sleep]
Lori Collins: They found the missing hikers.
John Bennett: They did?
Lori Collins: Yeah.
John Bennett: What happened?
Lori Collins: He said, they got separated and one of them had his foot stuck under a rock, for like, five days.
John Bennett: Woh!
Lori Collins: Mm.
John Bennett: You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock, I'd chew it off to get you free.
Lori Collins: You would?
John Bennett: I sure would. Is that cannibalism?
Lori Collins: No, I think it's only cannibalism if you swallow.
John Bennett: Oh, shit! God, no! Don't worry about that, cause I don't swallow.
Lori Collins: Really? Cause that's not what I heard.
John Bennett: Well, it's not true. Okay? I'm a classy broad.
[Lori laughs]
John Bennett: Yeah.
Lori Collins: I could see that.
Lori Collins: Listen, speaking of classy. Ciao Bella is a really expensive restaurant, so we can go anywhere else tomorrow. I really don't care, as long as we're together.
John Bennett: Are you kiddin' me? No, no, no! Four years we've been goin' out, I'm takin' you to the best place in town. I love you.
Lori Collins: I love you too.
John Bennett: And you're nasty.
[Lori laughs]
John Bennett: Do you wanna get nasty?
[as John and Lori are making out, suddenly John hears the thunder from outside and puts his hands on his ears in fear]
Lori Collins: I don't...I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?
John Bennett: I am not!
[suddenly Ted comes running into room and jumps on the bed and lies next to John]
Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
John Bennett: Fucking right!
Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.
John Bennett: Alright.
[John and Ted start singing]
John, Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared. Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words; "Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts!"
[they blow raspberries, Lori roles her eyes at this and turns over and turns off the light]
Ted: Hey, Lori, can you set the alarm for 11 a.m.? I got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.
[next morning, as Lori turns up to work looking flustered]
Gina: You okay there, sweetheart? Sound a little flustered.
Lori Collins: I'm fine. I'm fine. I just didn't have time for breakfast, and the garage was full. Oh, and that's right, my boyfriend can't sleep through a thunderstorm without his teddy bear.
Gina: I don't understand why you keep putting up with him.
Tracy: Yeah, I mean, they guy's 35 and he's working for a rental car service.
Lori Collins: You know, guys, it's really, it's not about that. I don't care about that. I mean, I'd love him if he was a janitor. I mean, he has a huge heart and we laugh a lot. It's just a bonus that he's like the hottest guy in Boston. You know, I just wish he'd get his life together. Our life! And...and he can't, and I swear to God, it is because of that bear.
Michelle: You should give him an ultimatum. It's you or the bear.
Lori Collins: No, I can't do that. That would devastate him. Besides, what...what if he chose Ted?
[after taking Lori's boss takes her to his office and shows her his school diving team photo]
Rex: Check this out. It's me in the high school diving team. We dove the shit out of that pool that year.
Lori Collins: You promised me this was about work.
Rex: Lori, why don't you like me? I'm rich, I'm good looking, my dad owns the company.
Lori Collins: I have a boyfriend. I have told you this
Rex: Yeah, the guy with the bear. But I'm talking about a mature relationship, Lori. I mean, if we were together, our babies would be spectacular. I mean, with my top of the pyramid Caucasian genes and your splash of dark, beautiful, smoky, Baltic...? Czech?
Lori Collins: Goodbye, Rex.
[John and Lori dine at a five star restaurant to celebrate their anniversary, Lori recalls how they met four years ago at a club as John was dancing and accidently knocked Lori over with one of his dance moves]
Lori Collins: Okay, here's a test to see how much you actually care about me. Do you remember that night after the club we went and had late night eggs and waffles until about 5 a.m.? We watched a movie on the little TV in the diner. Name that movie.
John Bennett: Octopussy.
Lori Collins: Baby! Gold star!
John Bennett: By the way, my dancing was not that bad.
Lori Collins: It was pretty bad.
John Bennett: I have cool moves.
Lori Collins: Yes, so do people with Parkinson's.
John Bennett: That's not how I remember it.
Lori Collins: Okay, how do you remember it?
[we see flashback of John remembering that the night he met Lori he looked like and danced like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever]
Lori Collins: Alright. Whatever you say.
[John raises his champagne glass]
John Bennett: Hey, here's to four more years, huh?
Lori Collins: Yeah.
John Bennett: You make me happy.
John Bennett: Now, I know we said no gifts, but...
Lori Collins: We said no such thing.
John Bennett: I got you something anyway, in clear violation of the no gift rule.
Lori Collins: We have no such rule.
John Bennett: Lori, I wanted to give this to you for a long time.
[he places a small jewelery box in front of her]
John Bennett: John!
[Lori, looking excited, opens the box and finds a pair of cheap looking earrings]
John Bennett: Those are the ones you like, right? From that kiosk at the mall?
[Lori looking upset that it's not the engagement ring she was hoping for]
Lori Collins: Yeah.
John Bennett: You know, Lori?
Lori Collins: Mm?
John Bennett: Some day there's gonna be a ring in there. Alright? But I wanna wait until I get you something really special, you know? I just...I don't have the money right now.
Lori Collins: Look, I'm only saying this because I love you. You're not gonna have any sort of career if you keep wasting time with Ted.
John Bennett: Oh, jeez. Here we go.
Lori Collins: Baby, please ask Ted to move out, so we can move on with our lives.
John Bennett: Alright, look. He's been my best friend since I was 8, I was not a popular child. You have to understand, I had no friends before he came along. He's the only reason I ever gained any fuckin' confidence.
Lori Collins: But you're no longer 8, you're 35 years old. And unless you're too blind too notice, he's not your only friend anymore.
John Bennett: Can we talk about this another time and just enjoy our anniversary dinner?
[after their anniversary dinner, Lori returns home to find Ted sat on their couch with some girls]
Ted: Lori! Hey, you're home early.
Lori Collins: What the hell is this?
Ted: The ladies and I were just watchin' 'Jack and Jill'. Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's...it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but you know, they're hookers, so it's fine.
Lori Collins: This place is wreck! Who are these girls?
Ted: Oh! Where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Shereen and Sauvignon
Blanc. I love you girls, you know, somewhere out there are
four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night.Lori Collins: What is that?
Ted: Wh...what is what?
Lori Collins: There's a....a shit on my floor! In the corner there is a shit!
Ted: Oh, yeah! Yeah, we were playin' truth or dare and uh...Shereen is pretty ballsy.
Lori Collins: There is a shit on my floor!
Ted: Well, or...or is the floor on the shit? Is what Kierkegaard would say.
[at that moment John turns up behind Lori, playfully holding out a lobster]
John Bennett: Aah! Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who ever lives here! You owe me lobster money!
[Ted laughs]
Ted: That's my buddy, Johnny. Nor the lobster, they guy runnin' it.
[John steps into the room]
John Bennett: I found my phone.
[he looks around the room]
John Bennett: What's goin' on? Is that a shit?
[after the shit in the living room incident, John takes Ted to the aquarium to talk]
Ted: God, there are some fucked up fish out there. Oh, look at the one, waspy white guy fish.
[doing an impersonation of the fish's voice]
Ted: 'I married the wrong woman and now I lead a life of regret.'
[referring to another fish]
Ted: Oh, look at this guy.
[doing another voice]
Ted: 'I went to New York once in 1981, and I just did not feel safe.'
John Bennett: Ted, you gotta move out.
Ted: You...what?
John Bennett: It's...it's gotta happen.
Ted: What did I do?
John Bennett: My relationship is at a very difficult stage and you're...Lori and I may just need a little space right now. I mean, plus a hooker took a shit in our apartment.
[we see flashback to when Lori and John are cleaning up the shit in their apartment, Lori is trying to pick the shit up whilst John is standing in the corner behind her]
Lori Collins: Oh, God!
John Bennett: Oh, what?
[as Lori gets closer to pick up the shit]
Lori Collins: Oh, this is so gross!
John Bennett: Don't tell me, I don't wanna hear about it! Did you get it?
Lori Collins: Oh, my God! No, I didn't get it!
John Bennett: Well, tell me when you get it!
Lori Collins: Oh, my God! I got some on my thumb!
John Bennett: No!
Lori Collins: Oh, yes, I did!
John Bennett: You cannot ever cook with that hand again! I'm serious!
Lori Collins: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! This is the most disgusting thing I've ever done!
John Bennett: Don't! Get it away from me!
[back at the aquarium; referring to the shit in the living room incident]
Ted: Look, that was a tough night for all of us.
John Bennett: Ted, you mean everything to me, and so does Lori. I mean, I'm just trying to find a way to keep you both in my life.
Ted: She's making you do it, isn't she?
John Bennett: Yes! I mean, but that doesn't mean we can't hang out, we'll hang out all the time.
Ted: Yeah, but, what about thunder buddies for life, John?
John Bennett: I know! I just don't know what to do here! I mean, I know it suck, but otherwise I'm gonna lose her. And I do love her, Ted.
Ted: No, I...I know you do, Johny.
John Bennett: I'll help you get on your feet out there, I promise.
Ted: I know. And we'll hang out all the time, right?
John Bennett: All the time.
[going towards John for a hug]
Ted: Oh, fuck it. Bring it in. Come here. Bring it in, you bastard. Come on.
[John hugs Ted and as he squeezes Ted, Ted's toy voice is activated saying; 'I love you', they quickly pull apart]
Ted: Oh, fuck! Shit. Sorry, that's the...
[John looks disappointed]
John Bennett: Oh.
Ted: The thing...the thing from...
John Bennett: The old...
Ted: Yeah, yeah! Yeah!
John Bennett: Yeah, I know. I know.
Ted: I'm not gay.
John Bennett: I know.
Ted: And you're not gay, so we're fine.
John Bennett: We gotta get you a job.
[Ted is dressed in a suit and tie as John helps him find a job]
Ted: I look stupid.
John Bennett: No, you don't. You look dapper.
Ted: I don't! I look like Snuggles accountant.
John Bennett: Come on. It's not that bad.
Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.
John Bennett: Look, I know it sucks, okay? But you gotta make some money so you can pay for an apartment.
Ted: I don't wanna work at a grocery store.
John Bennett: Yeah, but you have no skills.
Ted: I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.
John Bennett: You get the job, we're celebratin' after. Okay?
[John takes out bag of weeds and shows it to Ted]
Ted: Uh-huh. And if I don't get the job? Are we still gonna smoke that pot?
John Bennett: Probably, yes.
Ted: Uh-huh. Okay. Alright. Good talk, coach. Thanks.
John Bennett: Alright, buddy. Go get 'em.
[Ted goes to cross the street, as he's walking he turns to John]
Ted: And don't worry. I'll do my very best to get this job that I so crave.
[at his job interview]
Frank: So you think you got what it takes?
Ted: I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.
Frank: Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.
Ted: That's cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box.
Frank: You're hired.
Ted: Shit.
[after getting the job, Ted and John take a stroll in the park and sit down to smoke their pot]
Ted: Well, I am a former celebrity in a minimum wage job. This is...this is how the cast of Different Strokes feels, all day, every day. This is awful. They must feel awful. The alive ones must feel awful.
John Bennett: Come on. It's not that bad, okay? I got a shitty job and I assure you, I'm quite content.
[a father and son approach Ted and John]
Donny: Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you. But uh...my...my son and I couldn't help but admire your teddy bear.
John Bennett: Oh, thank you.
Ted: Thanks.
Donny: Yeah. I'm Donny, this is Robert. I uh...I have to say, I've been following you ever since I was a young boy. And uh...I remember seeing you on the Carson Show. You were just wonderful.
Ted: Oh, yeah. That was uh...that was a weird interview. Ed thought I was Alf and he kept muttering anti-semitic comments, thought Alf was Jewish for some reason.
Donny: Hey, uh...have you ever considered selling the bear?
John Bennett: What?
Ted: Excuse me?
Robert: I want it.
Ted: Hey, I'm not an 'it', pal! I'm a 'he', alright?
John Bennett: I'm sorry, little guy. But my bear isn't for sale. See, I've had him since I was about your age. He is very very special to me.
Robert: Stand up straight when you're talking to me!
John Bennett: Why the fuck would he say that?
Donny: I'm sorry. You know, you really shouldn't swear in front of children. Uh...look, we're very interested in the bear. If you wanna make some sort of arrangement, here's my address and phone number. And uh...you can call me any time, okay?
[John takes the piece of paper Donny just gave him and puts it in his wallet]
John Bennett: Will do. Look, here it goes, in the really important pocket for really important stuff. Okay? Okay.
Donny: Okay.
John Bennett: See you later.
[after Donny and his son leave]
John Bennett: What the fuck?
Ted: Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me?
John Bennett: I can totally see him just taking you down to the basement and really slowly deliming you while singing some creepy Victorian nursery rhyme.
John Bennett: 'Oh, my little sixpence. My pretty little sixpence.'
Ted: Stop it.
John Bennett: 'I love my sixpence...
Ted: Knock it off.
[John keeps singing the tune]
Ted: Stop it. Stop it! Fuck! Why you gotta take it to that place? You just took it to a very....now it's real! Now it's a real thing!
John Bennett: Oh, com on. Take it easy.
Ted: Look, let's just find a better place to get stoned.
[John helps Ted move into a crappy Boston apartment]
Ted: Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.
John Bennett: First night on your own.
Ted: Yeah, first night in my beautiful new apartment.
John Bennett: Well, it'll be great when it's furnished.
Ted: Yeah, and the guy said, it ain't hardly had no murders in. So that's good.
John Bennett: Okay, so, if you need anything.
Ted: Yeah, I know. Don't worry, Johnny. I'll...I'll be fine.
John Bennett: I know you will.
[John leaves and looks back to see Ted looking at him sadly as he walks away]
[after Ted has moved out, as John is getting ready for work]
Lori Collins: You know what my favorite thing about you is? That even after four years, you can still surprise me. I mean, to step up and change such a huge part of your life just to make your girlfriend happier. I mean, I guess most guys wouldn't do that.
John Bennett: Well, most guys don't have you to motivate them.
[John kisses Lori]
Lori Collins: I know that I'm not a talking teddy bear, but at least you didn't have to make a magical wish to get me.
John Bennett: How do you know?
[they start making out on the couch]
Lori Collins: Is that Flash Gordon Ray Gun or are you just happy to see me?
[John takes out his Flash Gordon Ray Gun and points it at Lori who starts laughing]
[whilst working at the grocery store, Ted notices the girl at one of the checkout counters]
Ted: Hey, uh...hey, Ellen?
Ellen: Yeah?
Ted: Who's that over there?
Ellen: Oh, that's the new checkout girl. Don't know her name, seems cute.
Ted: Yeah, very cute. You know what I'd like to do to her? Somethin' I call a 'dirty fuzzy'.
[Ted gets on the counter and waves at the checkout girl who waves back at him, then he blows her a kiss and she blows him a kiss back, then Ted starts moving back and forth suggestively against the checkout counter, then eats a candy like he was giving a blow job making the girl laugh, then he starts squirting white cream on his face like it was come, the checkout girl stops laughing and gives him a look]
Ted: Okay. Alright. So that's were we'll draw the line.
Tanya: Hey, how are you holding up?
John Bennett: Oh, I'm alright. I'm just gettin' used to things, that's all.
Tanya: It's gonna be alright. I actually went through something like this with my last boyfriend.
John Bennett: Really?
Tanya: Yeah. We were together for eight months and I really loved him. And then he got deported back to Iran. So I know what you're going through.
John Bennett: Oh, yeah. So, I guess we both lost our furry little guy,
Tanya: We sure did.
[at work, John gets a phone call from Ted]
Ted: Hey, Johnny, what are doin'? You wanna come over and catch a buzz?
John Bennett: Well, I could probably stop by after work.
Ted: Fuck that. I traded off yesterday so I got th
e
other shift. Come on, I'm
bored as crap over here. Just swing by for a bit.John Bennett: I cannot just ditch work, man. Look, I'm tryin' to get my shit together and be an adult here, you know, for Lori's sake.
Ted: John, five minutes and then I'll kick you out, I promise. Just...just come over. I got the Cheers DVD box-set, and the guy down at the store told me that everybody talked shit about each other in the interviews.
John Bennett: You'll kick me out in five?
Ted: I will kick you out in five. John, I have to kick you out, I have so much teddy bear paper work I have to get to, it is sick.
John Bennett: Well, what do I tell Thomas?
Ted: Just tell him you don't feel well.
[as John tries to leave work to go to Ted's]
John Bennett: I gotta cut out for a bit. Lori tried to break up a dog fight and she got hurt pretty bad.
Thomas: Oh, my God!
John Bennett: Yeah, she's...I mean, that's they way she is. She sees trouble and she wants to help out and I guess one of these dogs clamped its jaws on her forearm. It wouldn't let go until the fireman showed up and had to stick his finger in his ass.
[Thomas looks at his index finger]
Thomas: Oh, Jesus!
John Bennett: Yeah, she's pretty shook up.
Thomas: Up the dog's ass, right?
John Bennett: Yeah, up the dog's, not the fireman's ass.
Thomas: I thought the fireman stuck his own finger up his own ass.
John Bennett: No, I don't think a firefighter would do that.
Thomas: Well, go, go! Take care of it. Let me know how she is.
John Bennett: Thank you.
[at Ted's place the two of them laugh at the Cheers behind-the-scenes interviews]
Ted: Hey, listen, try this. I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.
[Ted passes the pot to John]
John Bennett: What is it?
Ted: It's called 'Mind Rape', it's actually pretty mellow.
John Bennett: Well, it doesn't sound very mellow.
Ted: Well, he only had three other batches. Uh...'Gorilla Panic', uh...'They're Coming, They're Coming', and something called 'This is Permanent'. Go on, spark it up.
[John lights up the pot and smokes some and starts coughing]
Ted: There you go, you got it.
[John continues to cough]
Ted: Nice! Good, huh? Good job!
John Bennett: Yeah.
Ted: Take pride in that.
[referring to Ted's apartment]
John Bennett: You know, this place looks great.
Ted: Oh, thanks, man. It's all uh...Ikea. Did the whole place for forty seven dollars.
John Bennett: Nice!
Ted: Yeah.
John Bennett: How are the neighbors?
Ted: Uh...you know, there's an Asian family livin' next door. But they don't have a gong or nothin', so it's not too bad.
John Bennett: Oh, that's lucky.
Ted: Yeah, it is.
Ted: How's work?
John Bennett: It sucks.
Ted: Yeah.
John Bennett: You?
Ted: Yeah, you know, not bad actually. I met a girl, she's a cashier.
John Bennett: No way! That's awesome!
Ted: Yeah.
John Bennett: Well, we should fuckin' double date or somethin'. You, me and Lori, and what's her name?
Ted: White trash name. Guess.
John Bennett: Mandy.
Ted: Nope.
John Bennett: Marilyn.
Ted: Nope.
John Bennett: Brittany?
Ted: Nope.
John Bennett: Tiffany.
Ted: Nope.
John Bennett: Candice.
Ted: Nope.
John Bennett: Don't fuck with me on this! I know this shit!
Ted: Do you see me fuckin' with you? I'm completely serious.
John Bennett: All right, speed round. I'm gonna rattle off some names, and when I hit it, you fuckin' buzz it, okay?
Ted: You do it. I will tell you.
John Bennett: You got me?
Ted: Yeah.
John Bennett: Alright. Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tami, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' Becky?
[Ted keeps shaking his head]
Ted: Nope.
John Bennett: Wait. Was it any one of those names with a 'Lynn' after it?
Ted: Yes!
John Bennett: Ooh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you. Okay. Brandy-Lynn, Heather-Lynn, Channing-Ly...
Ted: Tami-Lynn.
[exasperated, John shouts]
John Bennett: Fuck!
[after getting caught by his boss having sex with Tami-Lynn in the store room]
Frank: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.
Ted: I fucked her with parsnip last week, and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
Ted: You gotta lot of problems, don't you?
[after work, Ted walks out to the parking lot by himself when he feels like someone is watching him]
Donny: Hey, Ted.
Ted: Aah!
[Ted turns to see that it's Donny, standing in the dark, looking very creepy]
Ted: Oh, hey. Hey there, fella. How are you?
Donny: Are you out here all alone?
Ted: Uh...no, no. No, I'm not. Uh...you know, you're never alone when you're with Christ. So, no, I'm not alone.
Donny: Yeah. Yeah, me too. You know, Robert and I could give you a very very good home.
Ted: Yeah, you know, I'm pretty happy where I am. I just got a shitty new apartment, and I...
Donny: I could offer you six thousand dollars in railroad bonds.
Ted: Uh...well, you know, since I just returned from active duty in the Civil War, that actually sounds very appealing. Oh, wait! No, I'm sorry, that was a hundred and fifty years ago, and uh...I don't give a shit.
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Total
Quotes: 93
