Ted Quotes: Crude But Funny As Hell!

(Total Quotes: 110)


Directed by: Seth MacFarlane
Written by:
Seth MacFarlane (story & screenplay)
Alec Sulkin (screenplay)
Wellesley Wild (screenplay)
Mark Wahlberg – John Bennett
Mila Kunis – Lori Collins
Seth MacFarlane – Ted (voice)
Joel McHale – Rex
Giovanni Ribisi – Donny
Patrick Warburton – Guy
Matt Walsh – Thomas
Jessica Barth – Tami-Lynn
Aedin Mincks – Robert
Bill Smitrovich – Frank
Patrick Stewart – Narrator
Norah Jones – Herself
Sam J. Jones – Himself
Tom Skerritt – Himself
Bretton Manley – Young John
Ralph Garman – John’s Dad
Alex Borstein – John’s Mom
John Viener – Alix
Laura Vandervoort – Tanya
Ginger Gonzaga – Gina
Jessica Stroup – Tracy
Melissa Ordway – Michelle
Zane Cowans – Kid #1 / Young Ted’s Voice


Ted quotes are most definitely not for the easily offended. They are rude, crude and vulgar but most definitely full of laugh out loud moments. The story centers on a grown man whose childhood wish that his teddy bear would come to life comes true and refuses to leave his side ever since.

As many reviewers have already pointed out this is very much in-line with the kind of humor Family Guy delivers with the relationship between Mark Wahlberg’s character and Ted being very similar to the relationship between Peter and Brian on Family Guy. The script is hilarious and full of politically incorrect gags, this is not a comedy movie recommended for anyone turned off by taboo subjects, you have been fully warned!

Verdict: This is foul mouthed, silly, utterly predictable, totally inconsequential but funny as hell! It feels devilishly wrong but at the same time gut-bustingly hilarious.

Ted Quotes Page  1   2   USER REVIEWS


[first lines; movie opens in Boston, 1985]
Narrator: [voice over] It has been said that magic vanished from our world a long time ago and that humanity can no longer fulfill its desires through the power of wishes. To those who have lost the wondrous vision of childhood eyes, submitted here is the story of a boy and a magical Christmas wish that changed his life forever. It began in 1985, in a town just outside Boston, it was Christmas Eve and all the children were in high spirits. That special time of year, when Boston children gather together and beat up the Jewish kids. But there was one child who wasn’t in such good spirits, little John Bennett. That one boy in every neighborhood who just has a tough time making friends.
[we see young John trying to join playing with the neighborhood kids, who are beating up another kid, but they tell him to get lost]
Narrator: [voice over] John longed, with all his heart, for that one true friend that he could call his own. And he knew that, if he ever found that friend, he would never let him go.


Narrator: [voice over] Well, as it does every year, Christmas morning finally came. All the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee. And for little John Bennett, Christmas day brought a very special new arrival.
[we see young John opening his Christmas present, which is a teddy bear]
Young John: Wow!
John’s Dad: I guess Santa paid attention to how good you were this year, huh?
John’s Mom: Merry Christmas, John.
[John hugs the teddy bear and it sets off the automated teddy voice which says; ‘I love you!’]
Young John: He talks! I’m gonna name you Teddy.


Narrator: [voice over] John became instantly attached to Teddy. There was something about that bear that made him feel as if he finally had a friend with whom he could share his deepest secrets.
[as John lies in bed he hugs Teddy which sets off his recorded ‘I love you!’ message]
Young John: I love you too, Teddy. You know, I wish you could really talk to me. Because then we could be best friends for ever and ever!ted-2
Narrator: [voice over] Now if there’s one thing you can be sure of, it’s that nothing’s more powerful than a young boy’s wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles, it is an unbelievably impressive compliment of weaponry, an absolute death machine. Well, as it turned out John picked a perfect night to make a wish.


[next morning after wishing his Teddy could talk, John wakens to find his Teddy missing and starts looking for it around his room]
Young John: Teddy? Teddy? Teddy?
[as John looks for Ted under his bed he suddenly hears a voice and turns to see Teddy]
Young Ted: Hug me!
[John screams in fear]
Young Ted: You’re my best friend, John.
Young John: Did you…did you just talk?
Young Ted: Don’t looks so surprised. You’re the one who wished for it, aren’t you?
Young John: Yeah. I did wish for it.
Young Ted: Well, here I am.
Young John: You mean, we get to be best friends for real?
Young Ted: For real.
Young John: For ever and ever?
Young Ted: Sounds good to me.
[John and Ted hug each other]


[as Ted and young John are hugging]
Narrator: [voice over] John was just about the happiest boy in the world, and he couldn’t wait to tell everyone the good news.
[John hurries downstairs to tell his parents]
Young John: Mom, dad, guess what? My Teddy Bear’s alive!
John’s Mom: Well, isn’t that exciting.
Young John: No, mom, he’s really alive! Look!
[Ted enters the kitchen]
Young Ted: Merry Christmas, everybody!
[John’s mom start screaming in fear and his father shouts]
John’s Dad: Jesus H fuck!
Young Ted: Let’s all be best friends!
John’s Mom: Oh, my God! Oh God!
John’s Dad: John, get away from that thing. Get over here! Right now!
Young John: But dad!
John’s Dad: Get over here!
John’s Mom: Listen to your father! Come over here!
[John goes over to his parents]


John’s Dad: Helen, get my gun!
Young John: Dad! No!
Young Ted: Is it a hugging gun?
John’s Dad: Helen, get my gun and call the police!
Young Ted: I’m sorry, Mr. Bennett. I didn’t mean to scare anybody. I just wanted John and I to be friends.
Young John: Yeah, dad. I made a wish last night that Teddy was alive. My wish came true!
[Ted nods his head]
John’s Mom: Oh, my God! It’s a miracle. It’s a Christmas miracle. You’re just like the baby Jesus.


Narrator: [voice over] Well, it wasn’t long before the story of John’s little miracle was sweeping the nation.
[we see different news reporters on the TV talking about Ted]
Narrator: [voice over] Before long, Teddy had become a huge celebrity in his own right.
[we see as Ted gets invited on the Johnny Carson show]
Johnny Carson: Hello, Teddy.
[Carson shakes Ted’s hand and the audience laughs]
Johnny Carson: You…you uh… surprise me. I…for some reason I thought you were going to be taller.
[the audience laughs]
Young Ted: I thought you were going to be funnier.
[Carson laughs and the audience laughs and claps]


Narrator: [voice over] But through all the fame, Teddy never forgot his very best friend, John.
[we see Ted and John under the covers in John bed hiding from the noise of thunder]
Young John: The thunder can’t get us, right?
Young Ted: Nope. We’re thunder buddies, and the thunder knows it. We’re totally safe.
Young John: Teddy?
Young Ted: Yeah, John?
Young John: Do you promise we’ll always be together?
Young Ted: I promise. Thunder buddies for life.
Young John: Thunder buddies for life.
Narrator: [voice over] And that was a promise that neither one of them ever forgot.


Narrator: [voice over] So, where are John and Teddy today? Well, let me put it this way. No matter how big a splash you make in this world, whether you’re a Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking Teddy Bear, eventually nobody gives a shit.


[present day; we see Ted and John sitting on the couch, smoking pot and watching old cartoons]
Ted: Look, all I’m sayin’ is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the else where’s of life.
John Bennett: That’s bullshit. What about Lori? She’s hot.ted-3
Ted: No, Lori is from Pennsylvania. That’s not a Boston girl.
John Bennett: They’re not that bad.
Ted: See, the fact that you have to say; ‘they’re not that bad’, means that they are that bad. Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?
[he starts imitating the accent]
Ted: ‘Oh, yah! Oh, yah! Harder! Harder! Oh, God! That was so good! Now I’m gonna stuff my fuckin’ face with Pepperidge Farm!’


[referring to the pot]
Ted: Jesus, this is weak! It’s not even gettin’ me high. I think I’m gonna have a talk with my weed guy.
John Bennett: It’s workin’ for me.
Ted: I think it sucks, I’m gonna have a talk with him.
John Bennett: I don’t know that you wanna go to a drug dealer with complaints.
Ted: No, I’ve known this guy a long time. I’ve known him since 9/11. Do you remember? I was like; ‘Oh, shit, 9/11. I gotta get high.’
John Bennett: Is it nine thirty?
Ted: Yeah.
John Bennett: Shit! I gotta get to work! I don’t know if I can drive!
[John gets up from the couch and runs to get ready]
Ted: It’s okay, I’ll drive. Yeah, I feel fine.


[Ted drives John to work, a rental car agency, as Ted goes to park the car he hits the car parked beside them]
John Bennett: Fuck!
Ted: Oh, shit!
John Bennett: Oh, man!
[John gets out of the car and goes to inspect the damage to the car]
Ted: Oh, Johnny. I’m sorry, man. That…that car just came out of nowhere. Oh, God! Is it bad?
[we see the driver’s side John’s car is pretty beat up as is the front of the other car]


[John’s boss calls him into his office after he arrives late and Ted crashes his car]
Thomas: John, it’s almost ten o’clock.
John Bennett: I know, sir. I’m sorry, it wasn’t my fault.
Thomas: What do you mean?
John Bennett: Well, I…I guess I wasn’t really prepared for a follow up question.
Thomas: John, all you gotta do is not fuck up, and you get my job when I got to corporate next month. You’re the new branch manager, all you gotta do is not fuck up.
John Bennett: I realize that.
Thomas: Good. Glad to hear it. Cause in a month, my life could be your life. A cushy, thirty eight thousand dollar a year branch manager, who’s personal friends with Tom Skerritt. Not a bad life, is it?
John Bennett: No.


Thomas: I wanna show you something’. I don’t like to show people, cause I don’t want them treatin’ me differently.
[he takes a large picture in a frame from his desk drawer]
Thomas: Boh! That’s me and Skerritt.
John Bennett: Wow!
Thomas: Goddamn right, wow. I’m gonna dock you for dingin’ the car and for showin’ up late today, alright? Try and be a little more responsible tomorrow.
John Bennett: I will, sir. I promise. I’m not gonna let you down, goose.
Thomas: What?
John Bennett: Top Gun.
Thomas: So?
John Bennett: Tom Skerritt.
Thomas: I know that. Get out of here, okay?
John Bennett: Thank you, sir.


[after John’s left his boss’ office, he sees his co-worker sporting a large black eye]
Guy: Hear you got busted.
John Bennett: Jesus, Guy! You look like shit, man! What happened?
Guy: I don’t know. I got fuckin’ wasted last night, and uh…my phone says I texted someone at three fifteen askin’ ’em to beat me up. And then uh…at four thirty, I texted the same person saying ‘Thanks’.
John Bennett: You don’t remember it?
Guy: No, same as the last time.
John Bennett: It just seems kind of gay, doesn’t it?
Guy: I don’t know, maybe, yeah.
John Bennett: Well, do you think you’re part of some like gay beat-up underworld? Like one of those gay beat-up clubs or somethin’?
Guy: I don’t know. I dig chicks, man. I don’t remember any of it, I was so fucked up. I might be gay, I don’t know. Hey, do you mind covering for me for a bit? I might go lay down in the John.


[turning to his co-workers]
John Bennett: Hey, guys, anybody know a nice restaurant? Like somethin’ where they give out pink bubble gum in the bathrooms?
Guy: For what?
John Bennett: Lori and I have been datin’ for four years tomorrow, I wanna take her some place really nice.
Tanya: Oh, congratulations, John.
Guy: You guys have been goin’ out for four years? My last relationship, was like, six months. And then she farted in her sleep, I’m like, I’m outta here, man. I was gone before she woke up.
John Bennett: Boy, he’s not very tolerant, huh?
Guy: Lori ever fart in front of you?
John Bennett: Yeah.
Guy: Really?
John Bennett: Yeah, many times.


[referring to Lori]
Tanya: John, look, don’t you think after four years, maybe she’s hoping for something more than dinner?
John Bennett: Like what?
Tami-Lynn: I don’t know. But if it were me, I’d be expecting a proposal.
John Bennett: Oh, come on! Nobody’s expecting anybody to propose. I mean, marriage isn’t…well, I mean, isn’t love enough? I assume that love is enough.
Guy: You can put the ring in her ass, let her fart it out.


[as they are sat on the couch, smoking pot and watching re-runs of Flash Gordon]
Ted: Hey, by the way. Don’t let me forget that you and I gotta nail down a plan for the Rawlings game tomorrow.
John Bennett: Oh, no. I can’t. I’m taking Lori to dinner.
Ted: For what?
John Bennett: Well, we’ve been datin’ four years tomorrow.
Ted: Well, fuck me. Nice.
John Bennett: Let me ask you something. You don’t think she’s gonna be expecting something big, do you?
Ted: What, like anal?
John Bennett: No! Like, uh…concircular gold thing on her finger?
Ted: Oh, fuck that! It’s been four years, Johnny. You and me have been together for twenty seven years. Where’s my ring? Huh? Where’s my ring, asshole?


[Ted climbs onto Johns lap and starts playfully hitting him]
John Bennett: Stop it!
Ted: Where’s my ring, motherfucker?
John Bennett: Come on!
Ted: Put it on my fuzzy finger, you fuck! Come on!
John Bennett: Alight! Alright! Knock it off!
[John pushes Ted away]
Ted: Alright, I’m just sayin’.


John Bennett: I mean, but do you think she’s might be expecting me to make that kind of a movie?
Ted: No. No, I don’t think she is. And not only that, it’s the wrong time. It’s a terrible idea. I mean you got the economy, you got the…the credit bubble, the supreme court. I mean, look at Haiti?
John Bennett: Hell, I guess I didn’t think about that.
Ted: Well, that’s…you know, that’s a factor.
[they sit in silence for a moment as they watch the Flash Gordon movie]
John Bennett: This is the American fantasy right here. A professional and a field player is called upon to save the world.
Ted: Tom Brady could do that.
John Bennett: Tom Brady could do that!


[after Lori enters the apartment]
John Bennett: What do you go there?
Lori Collins: Turkey burgers.
Ted: Oh, turkey burgers. So are we havin’ homosexuals over for dinner, tonight, is it?
Lori Collins: No, just you homo.
Ted: Woh!
John Bennett: Woh!
Ted: You kind of just reworded my joke, but…ha!


Ted: Hey, Johnny, how about a beer, huh?
John Bennett: Ooh, couple of Charles Brewkowski’s?
Ted: Brew Stojkovski’s?
John Bennett: Maybe a Mybrewger Slavski?
Ted: Perhaps a Teddy Brewski?
John Bennett: That’s a good one.
Lori Collins: You know, I think I too want a Martina Navratibrewski.
John Bennett: Oh, no! No! No!
Ted: No! No! No!
John Bennett: That’s doesn’t work.
Ted: No. Don’t ruin it. No.
Lori Collins: Bullshit! That totally worked!
Ted: No. No.
Lori Collins: Yeah, it does!
John Bennett: It doesn’t work.
Ted: It doesn’t work.
John Bennett: A name has to have a ‘ski’ at the end of it and you just put ‘brewski’ at the end of Martina Navratilova, so.
Lori Collins: Well, I just thought we were saying funny names.
Ted: No. No. It has…it has to have a ‘ski’ at the end of it, otherwise, where’s the challenge? You know? If there’s no ‘ski’ at the end of the root word, then we would just be idiots sayin’ nonsense.


[reading the paper in bed, as they get ready to sleep]
Lori Collins: They found the missing hikers.
John Bennett: They did?
Lori Collins: Yeah.
John Bennett: What happened?
Lori Collins: He said, they got separated and one of them had his foot stuck under a rock, for like, five days.
John Bennett: Woh!
Lori Collins: Mm.
John Bennett: You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock, I’d chew it off to get you free.
Lori Collins: You would?
John Bennett: I sure would. Is that cannibalism?
Lori Collins: No, I think it’s only cannibalism if you swallow.
John Bennett: Oh, shit! God, no! Don’t worry about that, cause I don’t swallow.
Lori Collins: Really? Cause that’s not what I heard.
John Bennett: Well, it’s not true. Okay? I’m a classy broad.
[Lori laughs]
John Bennett: Yeah.
Lori Collins: I could see that.


Lori Collins: Listen, speaking of classy. Ciao Bella is a really expensive restaurant, so we can go anywhere else tomorrow. I really don’t care, as long as we’re together.
John Bennett: Are you kiddin’ me? No, no, no! Four years we’ve been goin’ out, I’m takin’ you to the best place in town. I love you.
Lori Collins: I love you too.
John Bennett: And you’re nasty.
[Lori laughs]
John Bennett: Do you wanna get nasty?
[as John and Lori are making out, suddenly John hears the thunder from outside and puts his hands on his ears in fear]
Lori Collins: I don’t…I don’t understand. I really don’t. You’re thirty-five years old and you’re still scared of a little thunder?
John Bennett: I am not!
[suddenly Ted comes running into room and jumps on the bed and lies next to John]


Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
John Bennett: Fucking right!ted-4
Ted: Alright, come on, let’s sing the thunder song.
John Bennett: Alright.
[John and Ted start singing]
John, Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, don’t you get too scared. Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words; “Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can’t get me, thunder, cause you’re just God’s farts!”
[they blow raspberries, Lori rolls her eyes at this and turns over and turns off the light]
Ted: Hey, Lori, can you set the alarm for 11 a.m.? I got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.


[next morning, as Lori turns up to work looking flustered]
Gina: You okay there, sweetheart? Sound a little flustered.
Lori Collins: I’m fine. I’m fine. I just didn’t have time for breakfast, and the garage was full. Oh, and that’s right, my boyfriend can’t sleep through a thunderstorm without his teddy bear.
Gina: I don’t understand why you keep putting up with him.
Tracy: Yeah, I mean, they guy’s 35 and he’s working for a rental car service.
Lori Collins: You know, guys, it’s really, it’s not about that. I don’t care about that. I mean, I’d love him if he was a janitor. I mean, he has a huge heart and we laugh a lot. It’s just a bonus that he’s like the hottest guy in Boston. You know, I just wish he’d get his life together. Our life! And…and he can’t, and I swear to God, it is because of that bear.
Michelle: You should give him an ultimatum. It’s you or the bear.
Lori Collins: No, I can’t do that. That would devastate him. Besides, what…what if he chose Ted?


[after taking Lori’s boss takes her to his office and shows her his school diving team photo]
Rex: Check this out. It’s me in the high school diving team. We dove the shit out of that pool that year.
Lori Collins: You promised me this was about work.
Rex: Lori, why don’t you like me? I’m rich, I’m good looking, my dad owns the company.
Lori Collins: I have a boyfriend. I have told you this
Rex: Yeah, the guy with the bear. But I’m talking about a mature relationship, Lori. I mean, if we were together, our babies would be spectacular. I mean, with my top of the pyramid Caucasian genes and your splash of dark, beautiful, smoky, Baltic…? Czech?
Lori Collins: Goodbye, Rex.


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Total Quotes: 110



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