Starring: Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Bell, Peter Dinklage, Tyler Labine, Kristen Schaal, Margo Martindale, Kathy Bates, Cecily Strong
OUR RATING: ★★☆☆☆
Story: Comedy directed and produced by Ben Falcone and co-written by Falcone and his wife Melissa McCarthy. The story follows Michelle Darnell (Melissa McCarthy), a titan of an industry who is sent to prison after she’s convicted of insider trading. When she emerges ready to rebrand herself as America’s latest sweetheart, not everyone she screwed over is so quick to forgive and forget.
Verdict: Sadly this is a pretty mediocre movie despite Melissa McCarthy, she brings in as much of her comedic charm into this as she can but sadly it just doesn’t work. However, if you don’t mind crude charmless comedy then this might work for you.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 19)
Michelle Darnell: My name is Michelle Darnell and I am the wealthiest woman in America. How wealthy am I? I wanted to come down on a golden phoenix and I sure as shit did it!
Gayle King: We are back with Michelle Darnell, the richest woman in America. Let’s talk about you for a second.
Michelle Darnell: Great it’s my favorite subject.
Gayle King: We came across this tape the other day with your mentor, Ida Marquette.
[they look at the tape]
Ida Marquette: Michelle Darnell is a natural born cocksucker.
Michelle Darnell: Ooh.
Ida Marquette: A motherfucker, an ass-wipe, a shit-stain and a sewer rat, fuckface.
Michelle Darnell: We’re great friends.
Claire: I run your operation while being a single mom. I deserve a pay raise.
Michelle Darnell: You have a child?
Michelle Darnell: Was that through intercourse?
SEC Agent: Somebody fucked you, Claire?
Michelle Darnell: I usually get kind of an asexual vibe.
SEC Agent: I’ll have a picture there with genitals myself.
[as Michelle is playing tennis in women’s correction facility]
Lawyer: You’re bankrupt. All of your accounts have been frozen.
[Michelle uses her tennis racket to hit a ball straight into her lawyer’s throat making him choke]
Michelle Darnell: Claire, get me a new lawyer.
Lawyer: You don’t have any money, you stupid ginger!
[referring to Michelle]
Rachel: Mom, if she doesn’t have anywhere to go she should stay here.
[Claire is making up the sofa bed for Michelle]
Michelle Darnell: Look at that a bed in a sofa.
[Michelle sits on the edge of the sofa bed]
Claire: Careful, it’s bit temperamental.
Michelle Darnell: It’s not so bad.
[suddenly then end of the bed flips up and flings Michelle smack against the wall]
Michelle Darnell: I think I’ve shattered my pelvis.
Claire: You can stay here until you get back on your feet.
Michelle Darnell: This morning I’m meeting with old colleagues.
[meeting for lunch with her old colleagues]
Michelle Darnell: Carl, how’s that old ball and chain?
Carl: Pam passed away.
Michelle Darnell: That’s tough.
Businessman: Nobody here at this table likes you, so thank you very much and goodbye.
Michelle Darnell: You know what, I made your careers. And Pam was a whore! She fucked her way through the whole IT Department! The lowest, weirdest, saddest guys!
Carl: Go to hell, Michelle!
Michelle Darnell: When I get to hell I’ll tell Pam you said hello, because she’s probably down there fucking IT guys.
Claire: Michelle, you need to get off the couch. Take Rachel to her Dandelions meeting.
Dandelion Leader: Our troop came in with a hundred and eighty-nine thousand dollars.
Michelle Darnell: Holy shit!
Helen: I object to parolees attending our meetings!
Michelle Darnell: If you don’t get off my back I’m gonna shove a box of Chocolate Clusters up that tight ass of yours.
Claire: What is all this?
Michelle Darnell: This is my way back. We are gonna start a brownie empire and teach these girls real business skills.
Michelle Darnell: We want some good recruits. Get in there, go for the aggressive girls.
Rachel: I feel kind of sweaty and scared.
Michelle Darnell: It’s just the coffee kicking in. Oh, you know what?
[sniffs the coffee cups]
Michelle Darnell: Oh, I may have switched them. I put a little splash of bourbon in mine.
Michelle Darnell: Who is that beast?
Rachel: Chrystal Del Vecio
Michelle Darnell: You know, the trainwrecks always have stripper names.
[shouts across to them]
Chrystal: What are you looking at?!
Michelle Darnell: Ooh. Put her on the list.
Rachel: Mariana Guterez.
Michelle Darnell: She looks Brazilian, that’s a deadly bunch.
[Mariana looks over to them and shouts across to Michelle]
Mariana: You better run, bitch!
Michelle Darnell: Shit.
[referring to Claire; to a group of Dandelions troops with their mothers]
Michelle Darnell: My name is Michelle Darnell and this is my partner, and I don’t mean partner like girl on girl stuff.
Dandelion Trooper: What’s girl on girl stuff?
Michelle Darnell: Something you’re gonna dabble with in college but not stick with, you know?
Claire: Let’s not… Don’t tell her that.
Michelle Darnell: Unless you’re Hannah, I think that’s gonna fit you like a glove.
Michelle Darnell: Okay, Chrystal, what do we say when someone doesn’t want to buy?
Chrystal: Buy my brownies or I’ll fucking kill you.
Claire: Don’t say that, Chrystal.
[mouths to Chrystal]
Michelle Darnell: Say that, that’s perfect.
Helen: Hey, this is where Dandelions sell, bitch!
[she slaps Michelle hard in the face, Michelle hits her back and their two groups of girls battle it out]
Michelle Darnell: Wooh! That batch is burnt.
Michelle Darnell: Wow. That sweater just says, “I give up.”
Claire: You’re making me feel very insecure right before my date.
[pushes Michelle’s hand away as she touches her sweater]
[pointing to Claire’s breast]
Michelle Darnell: If you could hear these sad basset hounds, they’d be saying, “Claire, put us above your waist.”
Claire: That’s not how my boobs sound.
Michelle Darnell: “Please don’t zip me up in your jeans.”
[she turns Claire around]
Michelle Darnell: Let me see this.
[she grabs Claire’s bra straps and pulls them]
Michelle Darnell: Claire, it’s like Geppetto.
[knocking on the bathroom door]
Claire: Michelle, you have to get out of the…
[Claire opens the bathroom door an enters to see Michelle with one leg on the wall as she spray tans herself]
Claire: Oh, my God!
Michelle Darnell: I’m self-tanning.
Claire: I can see your vagina. Your pelvic region is the color of curry.
Michelle Darnell: Namaste, Claire.
Total Quotes: 19