in the mirrored
tray at his missing front tooth] Stu Price: I
look like a nerdy hillbilly!
baby is heard crying] Stu Price:
What the fuck is
that? [Stu, Phil and Alan find
the baby in a closet]
Whose fucking baby is that? Stu Price: Alan,
are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite? Alan Garner:
Yeah, I checked all the rooms, no one's here. Check its collar or
Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and
we'll deal with the baby later. Stu Price:
Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger
in the bathroom! Phil Wenneck: It's
not our baby. Alan Garner:
Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.
Stu Price: Why
can't we remember a goddamn thing from last night? Phil Wenneck:
Because we obviously had a great fucking time.
Why don't you just stop worrying for one minute. Be proud of yourself. Stu Price: I
don't know, Phil.
Maybe it's because I'm missing a tooth. Or maybe it's because there's a
tiger in our hotel room, which incidentally is completely destroyed.
no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait. I know, maybe it's because we found a
baby. A human baby. That's it. That's it. It's because we found a
fucking baby! Alan Garner:
I don't think you should curse around a child. Stu Price: Really,
I don't think you should be around a child.
[women gets into the
elevator and looks at the baby Alan has strapped in front of him] Woman in Elevator: Oh,
how cute! What's his name? Phil Wenneck:
Ben. Alan Garner:
Carlos. [Stu looks at Alan] Stu Price: Carlos?
Hey Phil, look! [laughs hysterically
while miming the baby masturbating] Alan Garner:
He's jackin' his little weenus! Phil Wenneck:
Pull yourself together, bro. Alan Garner:
Not at the table, Carlos!
Stu Price: You
know what, guys? I don't even remember going to dinner. Phil Wenneck:
I know. What the fuck? I don't think I've ever been this hung-over. Alan Garner: After
the Hard Rock, I blacked out. It was like emptiness. [Alan laughs, Stu looks
at him unbelievably]
Phil Wenneck: Okay.
We have up until 10 p.m., so that gives us a twelve hour window where
we could have lost him. Alan Garner: What
is this? [he hold up a tooth] Stu Price: Oh,
my God! That is my tooth! Why do you have that? What else is in your
[after checking their
pockets] Stu Price: I
have an ATM receipt from the Bellagio. Eleven-o-five for eight hundred
dollars! I am so fucked! Alan Garner: I
have a valet ticket from Caesars. Looks like we got in at 5.15 a.m. Phil Wenneck: Oh,
shit! We drove last night? Alan Garner: [laughing] Driving
drunk. Classic. [Stu does a mocking
laughter to shut Alan up]
Alan Garner: What's
on your arm? Phil Wenneck: What
the fuck is that? Stu Price: Jesus,
Phil. You were in the hospital last night. Phil Wenneck: I
guess so, yeah. Alan Garner: You
okay? Phil Wenneck: [sarcastically] Yeah,
Alan. I'm fine. Stu Price: What
the hell is going on? Phil Wenneck: No,
Stu, Stu, this is a good thing. We have a lead now.
Stu Price: So,
uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby? Alan Garner:
What are you talking about? I've found a baby before. Stu Price: You
found a baby before? Alan Garner: Yeah. Stu Price: Where? Alan Garner:
Coffee Bean. Stu Price: Wait,
Stu Price: Uh,
guys? Check it out. [they all look up to see
trying to remove a mattress that's been put through the arm of one of
the statues on the roof of the hotel] Alan
that the mattress from Doug's room? Phil Wenneck: What
the fuck? [walking up to a hotel
guest] Phil Wenneck: Hey,
what...what's going on? Hotel Guest:
Some asshole threw his bed out the window last night. Stu Price: No
shit. Hotel Guest: Yeah.
Some guys just can't handle Vegas. [Stu does a fake laugh]
Stu Price: Oh
God. Phil Wenneck: It's
gonna be okay, Stu. How the hell did we manage that?
[as Stu opens the car
door he accidentally hits the baby strapped in front of Alan] Stu Price: Oh,
my God! Oh, my God! You just nailed the baby. Alan Garner: Are
my glasses okay? Stu Price: Your
glasses are fine, dick.
Stu Price: This
is so illegal. Phil Wenneck: Can't
you see the fun part in anything? Stu Price: Yeah,
we're stuck in
traffic in a stolen police car with what is sure to be a missing child
in the back seat. Which part of this is fun?
Phil Wenneck: Check
this out. [Phil turns on the siren
on the police car and starts driving on the sidewalk] Stu Price: Oh,
no. No, Phil! Phil! Don't do this! Phil Wenneck: Take
it easy. Stu Price:
Just try to call more attention to us. [using the loudspeaker]
Wenneck: Attention. [to the people on the
sidewalk] Stu Price: Sorry! Phil Wenneck: Attention,
please. Will you move out of the way. I repeat, please disperse. Stu Price: Phil,
stop the car, I wanna get out. Stop. Stop the car, I wanna get out.
[while driving a police
car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Phil Wenneck: Ma'am,
in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack. Stu Price: Get
off the sidewalk! Get off the sidewalk! Phil Wenneck:
I should have been a fucking cop.
[after the doctor has
told them why they were in the hospital last night] Dr. Valsh:
Guys, I really gotta go. I'm sorry. I have a surgery up on the fourth
floor. [he washes his hands] Phil Wenneck:
No, I know. But we just need a couple more minutes of your time. [Phil pulls out some
money, the doctor looks at it] Dr. Valsh:Yeah.
right in there. I don't want to re-sterilize.
[reading from Phil's
patient chart] Dr. Valsh:
Okay, here we go. Patient name, Phil Wenneck, 2:45 a.m. arrival. Minor
concussion, like I said. Some bruising. Pretty standard. Stu Price: Do
you mind if I take look? I'm actually a doctor. Dr. Valsh:
Yeah, you said that several times last night. But really, you're just a
Okay, this is interesting. Your blood work came in this morning. Wow!
They found a large amount of Ruphylin in your system. Phil Wenneck: Ru...?
Dr. Valsh: Ruphylin.
Roofies. Commonly known as the date-rape drug. Phil Wenneck:
What...what are you saying, I was raped last night? Dr. Valsh: Actually...I
don't think so. But someone did slip you the drug. I'm not surprised
you don't remember anything. Alan Garner: [laughing] Doc,
none of us can remember anything from last night. Remember? Phil Wenneck:
Yeah. How could someone have drugged all of us? Dr. Valsh: Look,
I wouldn't worry about it, guys. By now the stuffs out of your system.
You're gonna be fine.
Dr. Valsh: You
about some wedding that you just came from. At the, uh, Best Little
Chapel. You guys kept saying how sick the wedding was and gettin' all
crazy about it. Okay, I hope this helps, fellas. I really have to leave. Phil Wenneck:
But you know what? Best Little Chapel, do you know where that
is? Dr. Valsh: I
do. It's at the
corner of 'Get A Map and Fuck Off'. I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.
Figure it out yourself, okay? You're big boys.
[at The Best Little
Chapel] Eddie Palermo: [referring to Stu] Listen
I'm gonna tell you something. I know some sick people in my life. This
guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life! Phil Wenneck:
Who, this guy? [pointing to Stu] Eddie Palermo: This
guy is out of his mind. What's going on, you fucking crazy
motherfucker? I thought he was gonna eat my dick. [hugs Stu]
Stu Price: Is
there anything you can tell us about what may have happened last night? Eddie Palermo: You
don't remember nothing? [looking at a small
wedding album that has pictures of Stu after just getting married]
Stu, you gotten married. Stu Price: This...this
can't be happening. Oh, God! Look at that. [flipping through the
photos in album] Phil Wenneck:
I'll tell you one thing, you look seriously happy here, man. Stu Price: That's
it. My life is over. Phil Wenneck:
Stu, it's okay.
Look, shit happens. Come on. Melissa's not gonna know anything about
this. This never happened. I'll take care of it.
Her name's Jade? Eddie Palermo: Yeah,
and she's beautiful, man. Clean, very tight. Tits like that. But that's
because she had a baby. Phil Wenneck:
That explains the baby.
here's the deal. We made a major mistake last night. We need to get
this marriage annulled immediately. You do annulments? Eddie Palermo: Of
course I do
annulments. It breaks my heart and gonna make me sad, but you know,
it's no problem. I'm gonna do a very good price for you. I can't do it
with just him, though. I need...I need the chick. I need both parties.
Stu Price: Then
I vote we torch the cop car and all this shit with it. Phil Wenneck:
Torch it? Who are you? Stu Price: I
don't know, Phil.
Apparently I'm a guy who marries complete strangers. This whole
situation is completely fucked. These mugs. This hat... [he takes the baseball
cap with Stu and Jade's wedding photo off of Alan's head] Alan Garner: Hey! Stu Price: ...This
car. It's all evidence of a night that never happened. That is why
we're torching all of it. Phil Wenneck:
Whoa...whoa...whoa! I'm a schoolteacher, I got a family, okay? I'm all
for secrecy, but I'm not gonna torch a fucking cop car. Stu Price: Fine.
I'll do it. Alan Garner: Can
I help? Stu Price: Yeah,
[to Phil] Alan Garner:
lt'd be so cool if I could breast-feed, you know?
[the baby starts to cry
when Stu is on the phone to Melissa] Melissa: What
the fuck, Stu? Is that a baby? Stu Price: Why
would there be a baby? We're at a winery. That's a...a goat.
[after getting away from
two guys attacking their car outside The Best Little Chapel] Alan Garner: Who
were those guys? [Stu tries to calm the
beside him in back seat]
gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay, all right. [screaming to Phil and
Alan in the
front seat] Stu Price: What
the fuck is going on?! Phil Wenneck:
I have no idea. [Stu's cell phone rings
he looks at it knowing it's Melissa] Phil Wenneck:
Why don't you just let that one go to voicemail? Stu Price: [sarcastically]
Ha-ha-ha! That's a fake laugh, by the way.
It's got, uh, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor. Stu Price: Shut
the hell happened to you guys? Phil Wenneck:
Actually, we were hoping you could tell us. Jade: What
do you mean? I got up this morning, I went to get you guys all coffee
and I came back and you were gone. [to
Stu] Jade: Why
are you being so quiet? Stu Price: I'm
not being quiet. Jade: Ha,
ha. You're so cute. Here, I gotta feed Tyler. Come inside, you guys. Alan Garner: Did
you hear that? Baby's name is Tyler. Phil Wenneck: Yeah.
I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.
Wenneck: Right, Jade, uh... [clears his throat] Phil Wenneck:
You remember our friend, Doug? Jade: Are
you kidding? He was the best man at our wedding. Phil Wenneck:
Exactly. Well, we can't find him, and we're getting a little worried. Jade: Oh,
my God! That is so Doug. Ha, ha. [Stu notices the ring on
Jade's wedding finger and spit his drink out onto the baby]
[the baby starts to cry] Jade: Oh,
sweetie. I'm...I'm gonna go clean him off. [to the baby] Jade: It's
Daddy didn't mean it.
Stu Price: Oh,
my God! Phil Wenneck:
What the fuck, man. You gotta hold it together. Stu Price: Holy
shit! Phil Wenneck:
She's super hot. You should be proud of yourself. Stu Price: She's
wearing my grandmother's ring! Phil Wenneck:
What? Stu Price: The
ring I'm gonna give to Melissa. You remember, my grandmother's
Holocaust ring? Phil Wenneck:
Fuck! Stu Price: She's
wearing it. Phil Wenneck:
Okay. Alan Garner:
I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.