Chow: I want my
purse back, assholes. [holding Alan's purse] Phil Wenneck: What?
Your purse? Alan Garner: That's
not a purse, it's a satchel! Mr. Chow: It's
a purse. Okay? And you steal from wrong guy. Phil Wenneck: Wait
a second, wait a second. We stole from you?
Chow's no. 1:
Well, apparently you guys met at a craps table late last night. [pointing to Alan] Chow's no. 1: Yeah,
you were on a real heater, and he played your hot streak. He
ended up winning just under eighty grand. Phil Wenneck: No
shit? Eighty grand. That's nice. Stu Price: Okay,
that's good. Chow's no. 1: He
put the chips in this purse, and then you guys took off with it. Stu Price: That
doesn't sound like us. Mr. Chow: Mine
had eighty thousand dollars inside. And this one? Nothing. [he throws the purse on
the ground and crushes it with his foot] Alan Garner: Hey,
there are Skittles in there!
[Chow's no. 1 man hits
Alan in the stomach and Chow laughs] Stu Price:
Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child! Mr. Chow: It's
funny because he's fat.
Mr. Chow: Okay,
if it's 'no big deal', why when I come after you guys he starts
screaming like crazy and throw me in trunk? Huh? Phil Wenneck: What,
I did that? Chow's no. 1: Yeah,
you said he was your lucky charm and you want to take him home with you. [Phil and Stu start
charm. Phil Wenneck: Oh,
it's just funny. Mr. Chow: Fuck
[after showing them the
he's got Doug] Phil Wenneck: Okay,
okay. All right, fine, fine. Stu Price: What
do you want? Mr. Chow: Ah,
not so good now. Quid pro quo, douche bag.
Mr. Chow: Bring
money to Big Rock in Mojave Desert at dawn. Stu Price: What? [as he closes his car
Phil Wenneck: Stu,
how much you got in the bank? Stu Price: Uh,
about ten grand, maybe more. I was gonna use it for the wedding. Phil Wenneck: Well,
you're already married, so we're good there. Besides, enough with
Melissa, she's the worst. Alan Garner: Yeah,
Doug told me she had sex with a pilot or something like that. Stu Price: It
was a bartender on a cruise. What is wrong with you people?
[Alan takes a bite out
of a pizza he's found behind the sofa cushion] Stu Price:
Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza? Alan Garner:
[pretending he doesn't
know Alan whose bet his winnings at the gambling table] Stu Price: I
don't even know you, but I'm gonna tell you that's dumb.
[counting the money
Alan's won from gambling] Stu Price: With
all this, that's eighty-two-thousand four-hundred dollars. Phil Wenneck: Oh,
goddamn it! I don't fucking believe it! Stu Price: Whoo! Phil Wenneck: Alan,
you're the man! Alan Garner: You
are too, Phil. Phil Wenneck: We
should come back next week, take the whole city down. Alan Garner: Oh,
I'm free next week. Stu Price: Or
we could just focus on getting Doug back, right now. Alan Garner: Uh,
you know what? Next week's no good for me, the Jonas Brothers are in
town. But any week after that is totally fine.
[singing in the back of
the car] Alan Garner: And
we're the three best friends that anybody could have. We're the three
best friends that anyone could have. We're the three best friends that
anyone can have. And we'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever, leave each
other. We're the best three friends that anybody could have. I mean,
the three best friends that anybody could have. That's right, the three
best friends that anybody can have...
[Chow laughs as Alan
falls from the window of the car because the door on the passenger side
doesn't open] Mr. Chow:
fat guy fall on face!
[Chow's no. 1 man takes
the bag off of Doug's head] Mr. Chow:
Ta-da. Stu Price: [shocked] Aaahh! Phil Wenneck: Is
this some kind of joke? Who the hell is this? Stu Price: That
is not Doug. Mr. Chow: What
you talking about, Willis? That him! Stu Price: No,
I'm sorry, Mr. Chow. That's not our friend. He...that's... Alan Garner: The
Doug we're looking for is a white. [Chow's no. 1 man takes
the tape off of Black Doug's mouth] Black Doug:[to Chow] Ah! I
told you you had the wrong guy, little boy.
Stu Price: Wait.
He sold you the Ru...the Ruphylin? Black Doug: Ruphylin?
I sold you that Ru...? Wha...? Phil Wenneck: Who
gives a shit! Where is Doug? Black Doug: I
am Doug. Alan Garner: Your
name's Doug? Black Doug: Ye...yes,
I'm Doug. Alan Garner: His
name's Doug too. Ha. Classic mix-up!
Phil Wenneck: No,
fuck that shit. Now, you give us our eighty grand back and take him
with you! Black Doug: No...no.
Come on, man. I'll be your Doug. Mr. Chow:
yeah, okay. Oh, I take him back. Uh, right after you suck on these
little Chinese nuts. [grabs his nuts with
both hands] Black Doug: Ah!
[as Chow's about to get
into his car] Mr. Chow: So
long, gay boys.
[as Chow's car drives
away leaving them with Black Doug] Phil Wenneck:
it! Alan Garner:
Goshdarn it! Phil Wenneck: Shit! Alan Garner:
Stu Price: How
did you wind up in Chow's car? Black Doug: That
crazy asshole kidnapped me yesterday. Stu Price: Okay,
but why? I mean, why you? Black Doug: Cause
he thought I was with you guys because we were hanging over at the
Price: What? Alan Garner: We
were at the Bellagio? Black Doug: Yeah,
we were shooting craps. You don't remember? Stu Price: No.
No, we don't remember. Because some dick drug dealer sold him Ruphylin
and told him it was ecstasy.
Black Doug: Ruphylin.
There you go with that word. Ruphylin. Ruphylin. What the hell
is a Ruphylin? Stu Price: Wow!
You are the world's shittiest drug dealer. Ruphylin, for your
information, is the date rape drug. You sold Alan roofies. Black Doug: Oh,
shit. I must have mixed up the bags. My fault, Alan.
Black Doug: It's
funny, cause just the other day me and my boy, we was
wondering why they even call them roofies. You know what I'm talking
about? Stu Price: No.
I don't know what you're talkin' about. Black Doug: Why
not floories, right? Cause when you take them you're more likely to end
up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies? That's a good new
name for them. Alan Garner: Or,
how about rapies?
[after realizing that
Doug was the one that had thrown the mattress on the statue] Phil Wenneck: Wait.
How did you figure that out? Stu Price: Uh,
Doug made me realize it. Phil Wenneck: Doug? Stu Price: Uh,
not our Doug. Black Doug. Black Doug: Hey,
hey, easy with that shit. Come on! Stu Price: Sorry. Alan Garner:
Okay, can someone tell me where white Doug is I...? Phil Wenneck: He's
on the roof, Alan.
[after finding Doug on
the hotel roof, his skin all red from being sun burnt] Doug Billings: What
the fuck is going on? Stu Price: We
can explain everything, but right now, we gotta go! Phil Wenneck: Hey,
bud. You okay? Doug Billings: No.
Not okay. Phil Wenneck: You
look good, you got some color. I'm jealous.
Doug Billings: I'm
getting married today. Phil Wenneck: Yes,
you are. Tha...Doug, that's why you need to focus and you need to do
everything we say. Because, frankly, you're...you're wasting a little
bit of time right now. Doug Billings: [shouting] You
fucking asshole! [Doug attacks Phil and
they both fall] Doug Billings: Oh!
Oh! My skin burns. My skin burns. Oh, ow! God! [Alan comes over to
sooth Doug] Alan Garner: It's
okay. It's not your fault, Doug. Doug Billings: Don't
touch me. Shut up. All of you, shut up. Just get me home.
Stu Price: I
can't believe I gave my grandmother's Holocaust ring to someone I just
met. What was I thinking? Jade: You
were really fucked up. Stu Price: Clearly.
did pull out your own tooth. Stu Price: l...?
I pulled out my tooth? Why did I pull out my own tooth? Jade: Well,
Alan bet you that you weren't a good enough dentist to pull out your
own tooth. Stu Price: Okay.
Heh! Of course he did. Jade: You
won. Stu Price: Yeah.
Clearly. [pointing to his missing
tooth] Stu Price: Yeah.
That's victory, right there.
Stu Price: Hey,
what are you doing next weekend? Jade: I
don't know. Working. Why? Stu Price: Well
I...cause I was thinking maybe I'd come back and take you out to dinner
or something. Jade: Really?
Like a date? Stu Price: Yeah.
Like a date. Only, one that uh...hopefully I'll remember. Jade: Sounds
Doug Billings: At
least the trip wasn't a total disaster. Alan Garner: What
makes you say that? Doug Billings: When
I woke up on the roof I happened to find eighty thousand dollars worth
of Bellagio chips in my pocket. Stu Price: Oh! Phil Wenneck: Oh,
my God! Doug Billings: Looks
like we're going home with some money, boys.
[standing at the wedding
alter] Alan Garner: How's
my hair? Stu Price: It
looks good. Alan Garner: Is
it cool like Phil's? Stu Price: It's
ceremony is about to start] Tracy Garner: [whispering] Where
were you? And why are you so red? Doug Billings: [whispering] Honey,
it's a long story.
what the fuck is going on?
Stu Price: We
went to Las Vegas. Melissa: Oh,
really? Las Vegas? Why would you go to Las Vegas? Stu Price: Because
my best friend was getting married and that's what guys do. Melissa: Really? Stu Price: Yeah. Melissa: That's
not what you do! Stu Price: Really?
Melissa: Yeah. Stu Price: Well,
then why did I do it, huh? Cause I did it. Riddle me that! Why'd I do
it? You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want
me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time.
I think in a healthy relationship, a guy should be able to do what he
wants to do.
Melissa: [shouting] That is
not how this works! [wedding guests all go
quite and turn to look at them] Stu Price: Oh,
good. Because whatever this is, ain't working for me! Melissa: Oh,
really? Stu Price: Yeah. Melissa: Since
when? Stu Price: Since
you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June. BOOM! Alan Garner: You
told me it was a bartender. Stu Price: Oh,
you're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a
bartender! Melissa: You're
an idiot! Stu Price: You're
a...you...uuhh! You're such a bad person. Like, all the way through to
your core! Alan, shall we dance?
Alan Garner: It
was a real pleasure meeting you. Melissa: Fuck
off! Alan Garner: I'm
getting my bartender's license. Melissa: Suck
my dick. Alan Garner: No,
Stu Price: Dougie...I
gotta tell you, man, this was a gorgeous wedding. Phil Wenneck: I
give it six months. Stu Price: You're
Alan Garner: Hey,
guys? Look what I found. Stu Price: Whoa,
that's my camera. Alan Garner: It
was lodged in the back seat of the car. Phil Wenneck: Oh,
go...! Are there photos on it? Alan Garner: Yeah.
Some of it's even worse than we thought.
[last lines] Doug Billings: We
look at these pictures together, okay? One time. And then we
delete the evidence. Stu Price: I
say we delete it right now. Phil Wenneck:
Are you nuts? I wanna find out how I wound up in the hospital. Is that
in there? Alan Garner:
Yeah, it's in there. Doug Billings: Guys,
one time. Deal? Phil Wenneck:
Deal! Stu Price: Deal. Alan Garner: Okay. [the four of them look
into the camera] Stu Price: Oh,
dear Lord! Alan Garner: That's