With a story based on four guys heading to
Las Vegas for
bachelor party you can pretty much expect that The Hangover quotes
are going to
be loaded with cliches, and not everyone will like the humor of the
movie. However, somehow with all it's cliches The Hangover
manages to pull off a
few genuinely funny moments. I recommend that it's best to watch this
movie without high expectations and then you will be more pleasantly
surprised. Here's a collection of The
Hangover quotes for all the fans that enjoyed the movie
anyone wanting to get a taster of the kind of humor on offer.
by: Todd Phillips
Jon Lucas and
Scott Moore Starring: Bradley Cooper -
Ed Helms - Stu Price
Zach Galifianakis - Alan Garner
Justin Bartha - Doug Billings
Heather Graham - Jade
Sasha Barrese - Tracy Garner
Jeffrey Tambor - Sid Garner
Ken Jeong - Mr. Chow
Rachael Harris - Melissa
Mike Tyson - Himself
Mike Epps - Black Doug
Jernard Burks - Leonard
Rob Riggle - Officer Franklin
Cleo King - Officer Garden
Bryan Callen - Eddie Palermo
Matt Walsh - Dr. Valsh
Ian Anthony Dale - Chow's #1
Michael Li - Chow's #2
Sondra Currie - Linda Garner
Gillian Vigman - Stephanie
Nathalie Fay - Lisa
[first lines; Doug's
answering message] Doug Billings: Hey,
you've reached Doug. Sorry I missed
your call. Please leave a name and number and I'll get back to you.
answering message] Stu Price:
Hi, you've reached Dr. Stuart Price with Divine Dentistry. Please leave
a message after...
answering message] Phil Wenneck:
Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor,
don't text me, it's gay.
Anything? Tracy Garner:
I tried them all. It keeps going straight to voicemail. Linda Garner: Well,
there has to be an explanation. Sid Garner:
Vegas. You lose track of time in those casinos. There's no windows,
there's no clocks. He's probably on a heater. And you never walk away
from the table when you're on a heater. Linda Garner:
You do if you're getting married.
[Tracy answers her cell
phone] Tracy Garner:
Hello? Phil Wenneck:
Ahem...Tracy, it's Phil. Tracy Garner:
Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out. Phil Wenneck: Yeah
listen, uh...we fucked up. Tracy Garner: What
are you talking about? Phil Wenneck:
The bachelor party, the whole night. It...things got out of control and
uh...we lost Doug. Tracy Garner:
What? Phil Wenneck: We
can't find Doug. Tracy Garner:
What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in five hours. Phil Wenneck: Yeah.
That's not gonna happen.
[while getting fitted
for a tux] Alan Garner:[to the tailor]
Woah watch it pervert! Doug Billings: It's
okay Alan, he's just measuring your inseam. Alan Garner:
He's getting close to my shaft
I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I
will never, ever, ever, speak a word of it. Doug Billings: Okay.
Yeah, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that... Alan Garner: Seriously.
I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone. Doug Billings: What? Alan Garner: You
heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul. [he adjusts jock strap] Doug Billings: Okay.
I got it. Thank you. Alan Garner: No,
thank you. [Alan hugs Doug and Doug
pats him on his back]
[Sid's given Doug
permission to drive his car to Vegas] Sid Garner: Oh,
and uh...don't let Alan drive...because there's something wrong with
him. Doug Billings: Understood. Sid Garner: Oh,
and Phil either. I...I don't like him. Doug Billings: I
will be the only one driving this car. I promise. Sid Garner: Good.
Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. [Doug laughs] Sid Garner: Except
for herpes. That shit'll come back with you.
[while waiting to pick
up Phil at the school where he works] Alan Garner:
Do you have to park so close? Doug Billings:
Yeah, what's wrong? Alan Garner:
I shouldn't be here. Doug Billings:
Why is that, Alan? Alan Garner: I'm
not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school Doug Billings: What? Alan Garner: Or
a Chuck E. Cheese.
[Phil gets into the back
the car] Phil Wenneck: Would
you shut up and drive before these nerds ask me another
question. Doug Billings: Animal. Phil Wenneck: Who's
this? Doug Billings: It's
Alan. Tracy's brother. Alan Garner: I
met you, like, four times. Phil Wenneck: Oh,
yeah. How you doing, man?
[whilst packing for the
Don't forget your Rogaine. Stu Price: Rogaine,
check. Melissa: And
don't forget to use it. I can totally tell when you forget, your hair
just looks thinner. Stu Price: Using
of the Rogaine, check.
just wish your friends were as mature as you. Stu Price:
They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better. [just then Doug pulls up
on their driveway and Phil yells] Phil Wenneck:
Paging Doctor Faggot. Doctor Faggot! Stu Price: I
should go. Melissa:
That's a good idea, Doctor Faggot.
Come on, just till Barstow. Everybody's passing us. Doug Billings: Absolutely
not. I promised Sid. I will be the only one driving this car.
Besides, you're drinking. Phil Wenneck:
Oh, what are you, a cop now? Come on, you know I drive great when I'm
drunk. Stu Price:
That's true. Don't forget, Phil was always our designated drunk driver.
Alan Garner: Guys,
my dad loves this car more than he loves me, so, yeah. Phil Wenneck: Aw...whatever.
Look, I left my wife and kid at home so I could go with you guys to
Vegas. Do you know how difficult that was? Alan Garner: That's
really sweet, Phil. Doug Billings: Yeah. Phil Wenneck: Dude,
I was being sarcastic. I fucking hate my life. I may never go back. I
might just stay in Vegas. Doug Billings: Here
Phil Wenneck: You
know what, Doug? You should enjoy yourself, because come Sunday you're
gonna start dying...just a little bit...every day. Alan Garner: Yeah.
Doug Billings: All
right. Alan Garner: That's
why I've managed to stay single this whole time, you know? Stu Price: [sarcastically] Oh,
really? That's why you're single? Alan Garner: Yeah. Stu Price: [sarcastically]
Good to know.
[commenting on the
Mercedes as Alan is pumping the gas] Old Timer at Gas Station:
Boy, you've got a sweet ride there. Alan Garner: Don't
touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. [the old man walks away] Alan Garner: Don't
look at me, either. Yeah, you better walk on.
[referring to Alan] Phil Wenneck: Is
he all there? Like, mentally? Doug Billings: I
think so. He's just an odd guy. You know, he's kind of weird. Phil Wenneck: I
mean, should we be worried? Doug Billings: No. Phil Wenneck: All
right. Doug Billings: No.
Tracy did mention that we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much. Phil Wenneck: Jesus,
he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
All good with Melissa? Stu Price:
Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she
bought it. Phil Wenneck:
Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for
three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas? Stu Price:
Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight. Phil Wenneck: Oh,
so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival
Cruise Line? Doug Billings: Hey. Stu Price: Okay,
first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must
know, he didn't even come inside her. Phil Wenneck: And
you believe that? Stu Price: Uh...yeah,
I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.
says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter? Doug Billings: I
don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan. Alan Garner: Gambling?
said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're
gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system. Stu Price: It's
also illegal. Alan Garner: It's
not illegal, it's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane. Phil Wenneck: I'm
pretty sure that's illegal too. Alan Garner: Yeah,
maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin
Doug Billings: Either
way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay? Alan Garner: Oh,
really? Doug Billings: It's
not easy. Alan
well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man because he practically
bankrupted a casino, and he was a ri-tard. Stu Price: What? Alan Garner: He
was a ri-tard. [pauses, figures out
what Alan is saying and corrects him] Doug Billings: Retard.
[checking in at Caesar's
Palace] Stu Price: We
have a reservation under Dr. Price. Lisa: Okay,
let me look that up for you. Phil Wenneck: Dr.
Price? Stu, you're a dentist, okay? Don't try and get fancy. Stu Price: It's
not fancy if it's true. Phil Wenneck: [to Lisa] He's a
dentist. Don't get too excited. And if, uh...someone has a heart
attack, you should still call 911. Lisa: We'll
be sure to do that.
Could I ask you a question? Do you know if the hotel's pager-friendly? Lisa: What
do you mean? Alan Garner:
I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper. Lisa: I'm
not sure. Alan Garner: Is
there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business. Lisa: Umm,
there's a phone in your room... Alan Garner: That'll
Alan Garner: Can
I ask you another question? Lisa: Sure. Alan Garner:
You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it? Lisa: What
do you mean? Alan Garner:
Did, umm... did Caesar live here? Lisa:
Umm...no. Alan Garner:
I didn't think so.
Stu Price: I'm
gonna propose to Melissa at your wedding. After the ceremony. Doug Billings: Stuey,
congratulations! Stu Price: Thank
you, Doug. Doug Billings: That's
a beautiful ring. Stu Price: Yeah.
It's my grandmother's. She made it all the way through the Holocaust
with that thing. It's legit.
Phil Wenneck: Wait,
have you not listened to anything I have ever said? Stu Price: Phil,
we've been dating for three years. It's time. This is how it works. Phil Wenneck: A,
that is bullshit. And B, she is a complete bitch. Doug Billings: Hey,
fiance. Phil Wenneck: What?
It's true. It's true. You know it's true. She beats him. Stu Price: That
was twice, and I was out of line. She's strong-willed. And I respect
that. Phil Wenneck: Wow.
Wow. He's in denial. Not to mention, she fucked a sailor. Doug Billings: Hey,
he wasn't a
sailor. He was a bartender on a cruise ship. You know that. Stu Price: Guys,
just...I'm standing right here. So I can hear everything that you're
Hey, guys. You ready to let the dogs out? Phil Wenneck: What?
Do what? Alan Garner: Let
the dogs out. You know, like 'Who let the dogs out? Who, who...' Phil Wenneck: Who
brought this guy along? Doug Billings: Yes,
Alan, we are ready to let the dogs out.
Phil Wenneck: You're
not really wearing that, are you? Alan Garner:
Wearing what? Phil Wenneck: The
man-purse. You're actually gonna wear that or are you guys fuckin' with
me? Alan Garner:
where I keep
all my things. I get a lot of compliments on this. Plus, it's not a
man-purse. It's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one. Phil Wenneck: So
does Joy Behar.
like uh...I'd like to say something...that I prepared...tonight. Doug Billings: All
right, Alan. Alan Garner:
"Hello. How about
that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. You guys might
not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think
of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home,
I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So were
there two...there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in
the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug
introduced me to you guys, I thought, 'Wait a second. Could it be?' And
now, I know for sure. I just added two more guys to my wolf pack." Stu Price: All
right. Doug Billings: All
right. Alan Garner:
"Four of us
wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas looking for
strippers and cocaine." So tonight, I make a toast! [he pulls out a pen
knife and cuts the palm of his hand]
[making a toast] Phil Wenneck:
To a night the four of us will never forget!
[after seeing a tiger in
the bathroom Phil rushes out and falls over Phil who's sleeping on the
floor] Phil Wenneck: What
the fuck? Control yourself, man. Goddamn, will you put on some pants? Alan Garner: Phil,
do not go in the bathroom. Phil Wenneck: Al,
just calm down. It's me. Alan Garner: Phil,
there is a tiger in the bathroom. Stu Price: What's
going on? Alan Garner: There's
a jungle cat in the bathroom! Phil Wenneck: Okay,
okay, Al. Al, I'll check it out. Alan Garner: Don't
go in. Don't go in, don't go in. Be careful. Don't, don't. [Phil opens the bathroom
door and looks inside and quickly shuts the door]
See? See? Phil Wenneck: Oh!
Holy fuck! He's not kidding! There's a tiger in there! Stu Price: No,
there isn't. Alan Garner: Yeah!
It's big. Gigantic!
Hey, bro? You mind putting on some pants? I find it a little weird I
have to ask twice. Alan Garner: Pants
at a time like this? I don't have any pa... Phil Wenneck: What
the fuck happened last night?
Stu Price: Hey,
Phil, am I missing a tooth? Phil Wenneck: I
[Phil starts to
laugh. Stu picks up a mirrored tray and sees he's missing a tooth] Stu Price: Oh,
my God. My lateral incisor's...it's gone! Phil Wenneck: It's
okay. Okay, okay. We just need to...just calm down. We're fine.
Everything's fine. Alan, go wake up Doug. Phil Wenneck: Let's
just get some coffee and get the fuck out of Nevada before housekeeping
shows. Stu Price: What
am I gonna tell Melissa? I lost a tooth. I have no idea how it happened. Phil Wenneck: You're
freaking me out, man. I got a massive headache, okay? Let's just calm
down. Stu Price: How
am I supposed to calm down? Look around you.