The Heat Quotes: Formulaic but Funny(Total Quotes: 152)
Directed by: Paul Feig
Written by: Katie Dippold
Sandra Bullock – Ashburn
Melissa McCarthy – Mullins
Demián Bichir – Hale
Marlon Wayans – Levy
Michael Rapaport – Jason Mullins
Jane Curtin – Mrs. Mullins
Spoken Reasons – Rojas
Dan Bakkedahl – Craig
Taran Killam – Adam
Michael McDonald – Julian
Thomas F. Wilson – Captain Woods
Tony Hale – The John
Kaitlin Olson – Tatiana
Joey McIntyre – Peter Mullins
Michael Tucci – Mr. Mullins
Bill Burr – Mark Mullins
Nathan Corddry – Michael Mullins
Jessica Chaffin – Gina
Jamie Denbo – Beth
OUR REVIEW & RATING ★★★☆☆
The Heat quotes are formulaic comedy that turn out to be surprisingly funny. The story follows the typical clichéd buddy cop movie recipe, pairing together uptight FBI Special Agent Sarah Ashburn (Sandra Bullock) with foul-mouthed, hard as nails Detective Shannon Mullins (Melissa McCarthy) and follows them as they try to take down a ruthless drug lord.
Although the script offers a refreshing look at the female perspective on the buddy genre conventions, it comes across as uneven and at times messy with a lot of irrelevant plot, however, what saves the movie and makes it work is due to the fun dynamic and excellent rapport between Bullock and McCarthy.
Verdict: The movie moves at a healthy pace which allows the hit jokes to outnumber the misses and even though it doesn’t offer anything new on the buddy-cop formula there’s enough good material in there to deem it worth a look.
[first lines; on a suburban New York neighborhood, Ashburn leads a SWAT team into the home of a suspect, as they get ready to bust the house, Ashburn taps one of the officers on the shoulder and signs him an instruction]
SWAT Team Leader: Huh?
Ashburn: Oh, my God! It means, cover me and go left! Read the manual, why don’t you?
[the officer starts to go, but Ashburn stops him]
Ashburn: Wait for my three count.
[holding her fingers in the air for the countdown]
Ashburn: And one, two…
[the SWAT team ignores her and goes in to bust the suspect’s house]
[the SWAT team then busts into the suspects home]
SWAT Team Leader: FBI freeze!
SWAT Officer: FBI! Don’t move! Get on the ground!
SWAT Team Leader: Hands in the air!
SWAT Officer: Hands on your head!
[to the suspects as she enters the house after the SWAT Team]
[after the SWAT team have checked the house]
FBI Officer: We’ve checked everything. There’s nothing.
NY Agent: Well, the place is clean, Ashburn. Looks like you’re theory has a few holes in it.
[to the SWAT team]
NY Agent: Let’s role, boys.
Ashburn: So you think it’s clean, huh?
NY Agent: Oh, here we go.
Ashburn: Yeah, that’s what they said last year right before I arrested the Red Falls Killer.
[Ashburn leans down to look at a plate of ribs on the coffee table]
Ashburn: What are those, barbecue spare ribs? Is that what that is? I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. Or…
[Ashburn places her hand under the table and rips out big bag of marijuana]
Ashburn: Maybe I’m not? Yeah.
[to the suspects]
Ashburn: Air tight, dipped in wax? I respect that.
[she throws the bag to the NY Agent]
Ashburn: I especially like the meat to distract the dog.
[looking at the FBI dog]
Ashburn: And while that may have fooled the loudest breather in the world, it did not fool me. And unfortunately it’s not what I’m looking for.
[to the suspects]
Ashburn: So why don’t we just cut to the chase? Are there guns in this house?
Tough Guy #1: I have no idea about any guns.
Ashburn: Interesting. Maybe I’m wrong, you know?
[watching as Ashburn walks around the room]
NY Agent: Wait for it.
Ashburn: Maybe these guys are…are right for a change.
Ashburn: Stranger things have happened, right guys?
NY Agent: No, that’s a trap.
Ashburn: Meteors, comets, somebody marrying Pete and he can’t even count to three. Oh, so frustrating.
[she walks around the room and stands by the fireplace]
Ashburn: I know they loved these houses during the Prohibition Era.
[to the suspects]
Ashburn: You guys know what Prohibition is, don’t you?
Tough Guy #2: Yeah, selling your ass for money.
NY Agent: Really?
Ashburn: No. No, it was, uh…alcohol. People loved to drink it even though they weren’t supposed to. And these houses had all these little nooks and crannies where they could hide it.
[she uses her thumb to press under the small shelf above the fireplace, which opens up a secret compartment in the wall revealing where the guns are being hidden]
Ashburn: Like this one. Is there something behind me?
[there’s a moment’s pause]
Ashburn: There is, isn’t there?
[the suspects shake their head]
Tough Guy #1: Fuck.
[to the SWAT team]
Ashburn: Now you can role.
[Ashburn starts to walk out]
[to the FBI dog]
Nice work, dick.
[as Ashburn walks out of the house, the other FBI officers are annoyed at her for how proud she is of herself, she gets into the car and goes to out on the seat belt]
Ashburn: Let’s go.
[she looks over to the driver’s seat and sees there’s no one else in the car, the other officers continue to stare at her]
NY Agent: Hard to believe she’s single.
[later at night, Ashburn is sat watching TV in her apartment holding a cat; whispering to the cat as she watches a surgery being described]
Ashburn: Wow, pretty impressive. Did you see that? Look at that? That’s pretty amazing, huh? Pretty amazing.
[she kisses the cat and then hears her neighbor calling for the cat]
Neighbor’s Voice: Pumpkin? Here, kitty, kitty. Are you at the neighbor’s again? Pumpkin? Here, kitty, kitty.
[Ashburn lets the cat out of the apartment through her patio door]
Ashburn: Go on home. See you tomorrow.
Neighbor’s Voice: Pumpkin, I told you to stay away from that weird lady.
[Ashburn goes to check her computer and sees her superior, Hale, is being promoted and sees that his former position hasn’t been determined yet, she smiles to herself]
[Ashburn goes to work the next morning and walks into Hale’s office as he’s finishing his conversation on the phone in Spanish]
Ashburn: Oh, boy. Wife doesn’t like you working late, huh?
Hale: What do you want?
Ashburn: Oh, just uh…letting you know that I have been observing the Agents overseeing with what they’ve been up to. You know, keeping an eye on them.
Hale: Yeah, supervising them.
Ashburn: Supervising. Yes, sir.
Hale: Look, Ashburn, I haven’t made any decisions yet.
Ashburn: Oh, of course not. Every…everyone deserves a shot.
Hale: I don’t know if you are the right person for this position.
Ashburn: I’m sorry…I’m sorry, what? What? I’m confused.
Hale: Walk with me.
[Hale starts walking out of his office and Ashburn follows him]
Ashburn: Sir, I don’t…I don’t understand. I’ve closed more cases than any agent here, should I not have done that?
Hale: You are a solid agent. There are many other solid agents.
Ashburn: Well, none of them have closed the Red Falls Killer case.
Hale: Ashburn, it’s no secret that none of the other agents like you.
Hale: I’ve gotten countless complaints of arrogance and competitiveness and showmanship. Just give it a rest.
[Hale and Ashburn enter another office]
Hale: Alright, we got a situation in Boston. The Feds picked up chatter on a guy moving in, Simon Larkin. We don’t know what he looks like, where he comes from, nothing.
[shows Ashburn a photo of a man]
Hale: We believe this guys is doing the leg work for him. Julian Vincent. Nasty son of a bitch.
[Ashburn takes the photo and looks at Larkin]
Hale: Murder, extortion, this is his MO.
[Hale shows her another photo of a crime scene]
Hale: The problem with guys like that is that everyone’s scared to talk. Pack your bags, I’m sending you to Boston. You know how to get inside people’s heads. Wanna find Larkin, get to Julian. You do well with this, we could talk about the job.
[in Boston, Mullins is in her car keeping her eye on a man attempting to pick up a prostitute]
The John: Hey, Rojas sent me over. He said you were really nice.
Prostitute: Yeah, baby. What are you looking for?
The John: What’s your name?
Prostitute: Shenpaz, what’s your name?
The John: Shenpaz? Did your mom give you that name?
Prostitute: Not exactly.
[as Mullins is watching from her car, her police radio calls in]
Mullins: Hey, Mullins. Captain wants to know when you’re coming in.
Hey, you know what? Tell him I’ll be there sharply at a ‘go-fuck-yourself-o’clock’. Okay? If there’s no traffic, thank you.
[back to the John trying to pick up the prostitute]
The John: It seems kind of expensive.
The John: Can you break a hundred? I got a hundred right here.
Prostitute: No, baby. I’m not gonna break a hundred.
[as he looks at his cash, Mullins walks up to his car]
The John: Alright, let me see.
[Mullins leans in through the driver’s side window]
Mullins: What’s going on here?
The John: Okay, I don’t want any drugs. Alright?
[to the prostitute]
Mullins: Hi, how are you doing?
[to the John]
Mullins: Are you trying to get a…a deal on my girl here?
The John: Are you her pimp?
Mullins: No, we’re just friends. Isn’t that right?
The John: Okay, well…I think this is just kind of between her and I, so…
Mullins: Am I kind of invading your space here?
The John: Kind of.
Mullins: I don’t want to do that.
[Mullins takes her badge out of her pocket]
Mullins: Let me see if this will help you?
[she holds up her badge and the prostitute walks away]
The John: Alright, look I just wanted…
[he notices Mullins’ badge]
The John: Oh…
[he laughs nervously]
The John: It’s uh…It’s a good thing I didn’t get the drugs from you.
[they both laugh]
Mullins: Yeah, can you imagine that?
The John: That would have been…
Mullins: That would have been crazy.
The John: That would have been bad.
[they both continue to laugh]
Mullins: That would have been bad.
The John: Yeah, right?
[he wipes his forehead]
The John: Wooh!
Mullins: You better wipe that brow. Yeah, that could have gone…that could have gone really bad, huh? Listen, um…I want you to let me see your ID there.
The John: Come on, please.
Mullins: Here, let me just take the whole thing.
[she takes his wallet]
Mullins: Yeah, it’s good. I got it.
[she looks inside his wallet]
Mullins: Oh, good. You know what? I got nervous that maybe you didn’t have a wife and a whole bunch of kids.
[she holds up his photo of his family]
Mullins: But…but luckily you do. What’s your wife’s name?
The John: Her name’s Bella.
Mullins: Oh, Bella. Good. Hey, can I borrow your phone for a minute? I got my…my battery’s out.
The John: Why do you want to borrow my phone?
Mullins: Because I asked you for your phone. Give me your fucking phone and shut your mouth.
[Mullins takes his phone]
[as Mullins is using his phone to call his wife]
The John: Can’t you just like give me one chance here?
Mullins: Yeah, I’ll give you one chance.
[the John’s wife, Bella, answers the phone]
Mullins: Yeah, who’s this? Is this Bella?
[the John goes to grab the phone from Mullins]
The John: No, no, no, no!
Mullins: Don’t do that. Don’t do that.
[Mullins grabs his hand and crushes it making him yell out in pain]
The John: Ow!
Mullins: Don’t do that.
The John: My God!
Mullins: Yes, this is Officer Mullins. I’m here with your husband.
[as Mullins continues to crush his hand]
The John: God, what are you, Spock?
Mullins: No. No, he’s not been in an accident. Unfortunately, I just, uh…I…I do have him here with a known prostitute.
The John: God! She’s lying! Bella, she’s lying!
Mullins: Oh, that’s not the first time, huh?
The John: God!
Mullins: Yeah, that’s him. He’s crying cause I’m breaking his fucking hand.
[to the John]
Mullins: Oh, she said do it harder.
[Mullins crushes his hand harder]
Mullins: Alright, Bella.
The John: Ow! God!
Mullins: That’s for Bella.
Mullins: You gotta go with your instincts, Bella… Yep, you’re welcome.
[she ends the call]
[after ending the call to the John’s wife]
Mullins: Yep, she’s probably gonna burn your shit today, so.
The John: Come on! Look, you don’t understand, alright? She’s just had a baby, there’s a lot going on down there, I’m not gonna touch that.
Mullins: Why don’t you take your uh…seat belt off for a minute?
The John: Come on, please. Come on.
Mullins: Yeah. No, you seem like a reasonable guy. Take your fucking belt off.
The John: You look like you got some compassion.
Mullins: Listen, I love the sound of a guy, that after his wife gives him his fifth fucking child, complains about her messy vagina. And then you don’t wanna fucking touch her!
[as the John takes off his seat belt, Mullins grabs hold of him and drags him out through the open car window]
Mullins: Get out of the fucking car!
The John: Let me unlock the door for you! What the fuck, man?!
[she drags his body out of the car window]
Mullins: Get out of the fucking car! Get out of the fucking car!
[as he finally gets out of the car window]
Mullins: Get up against the car.
The John: What is your problem?!
[Mullins pushes him against the car]
The John: Can I just have my phone?
Mullins: Do you wanna do that? Do you wanna do that?
[she keeps pushing him against his car]
The John: Ow! My car is hot!
Mullins: Good! I hope it burns your fucking dick off!
[Mullins takes the John into custody and as she’s driving to the station she passes by the neighborhood drug dealer, Rojas]
Mullins: Hey, Rojas. My favorite asshole. Hey, look what I found.
[she points to the John sat in the back seat of her car, handcuffed]
Mullins: Oh, no. Did I take some of your business away? That’s a real shame.
Rojas: Lady, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I just stand on this corner and I’m doin’ my Suduko, okay?
Mullins: Oh, is that right? First of all, it’s Sudoku, dumbass. Now, you wanna tell me that you’re just here coincidentally, right…right in the middle of all the prostitutes?
Rojas: Lady, tell me this. Why are you so obsessed with me? You should be ashamed of yourself trying to break down a successful black man. Are you racist?
Mullins: Don’t play that race bullshit card with me! Nine out of ten guys I fuck are black guys!
Rojas: Lady, what I think you need to do, you need to go down the road, take a vacation, okay? And go get your rue back. Lady, just relax, chill.
[he takes a puff of the joint in his hand]
Mullins: What is that?
[realizing that he’s been caught with a joint, he gives the joint to his friend sat next to him]
Rojas: Take it.
[suddenly Rojas bolts and makes a run for it]
Mullins: Yeah, that’s what I thought.
[Mullins put her car into gear and starts to chase after him]
The John: I’m not a part of this!
Mullins: Shut up! Shut up!
[Mullins chases after Rojas in her car]
The John: She’s crazy!
[as Mullins continues to chase after Rojas in her car]
The John: Can you please let me out, I get really car sick. Please, please, please!
Mullins: Oh, no! That’s terrible.
[she continues to chase after Rojas]
Mullins: Now, I got him. I got him!
[as Rojas runs in from the next street he suddenly runs into Mullins car]
The John: My God!
Mullins: Hey, look who’s here?
Rojas gets off the car and starts running again, Mullins chases after him and laughs]
Mullins: Yeah, you better run.
[she eventually manages to corner him as he falls, she stops her car]
Mullins: I got him! I got him!
[she gets out of the car and runs after him as Rojas starts to run again]
Mullins: Shit, I said stop.
[Rojas starts to climb over the fence]
Mullins: I said…I said stop! I said stop!
[she grabs hold his leg and Rojas gets stuck on top of the fence]
Rojas: Crushing my balls!
Mullins: I hope they fucking rupture!
Rojas: Lady, get the fuck off me!
[as Rojas tries to push Mullins away they both fall over the fence and onto the ground; at the same moment, the John in Mullins car escapes through the open car window and runs off]
The John: Bella, I’m sorry!
[as Mullins and Rojas fall over the fence, Mullins grabs hold of Rojas’ leg]
Rojas: Let me go!
Mullins: I’ll show you, you piece of shit!
Rojas: My leg, lady! Let me go!
[Rojas manages to rise and starts dragging himself away from Mullins]
Rojas: Lady, what the hell is wrong with you?
[Rojas frees himself from Mullins and starts limping away]
Mullins: I’ll tell you what the hell is the matter with me! It’s you, you piece of shit! Son of a bitch! Stop moving!
[Rojas limps away from her and starts throwing fruit at Mullins from the nearby truck selling fruit]
Rojas: Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Get off me!
[Mullins picks up a watermelon and throws it at Rojas, it hits him in his back and he falls to the ground]
[Mullins starts handcuffing Rojas]
Rojas: Lady, what the hell did you throw at me?
Mullins: A watermelon.
Rojas: A watermelon! Oh, hell! Ah, see, I told you, you was a racist!
Mullins: Yeah, I tried to hit you with my car. What’s that make me? Yeah, let’s see what you got…
[Mullins checks his trouser pockets]
Mullins: Oh, look at this! Look at this! Not even my Birthday!
[she takes out little bags of drugs]
Rojas: Hey, man! You planted that shit on me, man!
Mullins: Yeah, I planted that shit.
Rojas: You planted that on me! I’m innocent!
Mullins: Shut up before I beat you with a watermelon. Get up!
[Ashburn arrives at the FBI Boston Field Office, she walks up to FBI Agent, Levy]
Ashburn: Federal Agent Sarah Ashburn from New York Field Office.
[she extends her hand to Levy and they shake hands]
Levy: Hi, how are you?
Ashburn: I’m gonna need all your files on all known drug dealers of the area.
Levy: Right. we heard you were coming, actually was expecting you.
[he hands her the files]
Levy: Let me show you to your desk.
Ashburn: Oh, that won’t be necessary. I won’t be here long.
Ashburn: So I can carry these.
Ashburn: Thank you.
[outside the FBI building, Ashburn is sat in her car outside, looking for her car keys]
Ashburn: Where is it?
[Levy runs out the building carrying a file, he runs towards Ashburn’s car]
Levy: Hey, Ashburn! Ashburn!
[Ashburn turns as she hears her name being called, but hits her head against the car window]
Ashburn: Oh, God.
[Ashburn holds her head and rolls down the window]
Levy: You okay?
Ashburn: What? What is it? What is it?
Levy: Okay, low end dealer just brought into the East Boston Precinct, name’s Terrell Rojas.
[Levy gives the file to Ashburn and she looks inside]
Ashburn: Oh. Well, okay. Good. Thank you very much.
[Ashburn puts the file in her bag]
Levy: Good luck out there.
Ashburn: It’s not about luck, pal. It’s not about luck.
[Ashburn starts to drive off but immediately breaks the car as the car in front of her is sat in traffic]
Levy: Wow, that was almost cool. Almost.
[Levy chuckles to himself and turns to walk back into the FBI building, he looks back at Ashburn and sees she’s whistling, pretending not to be embarrassed and checking her watch]
[Mullins drives up to the Boston Police Department]
Mullins: Come on, come on, come on. Are we gonna fucking park today? Alright, here we go. Finally.
[as Mullins pulls into the side in order to park her car, at that moment Ashburn arrives and takes her parking spot]
Mullins: Hey! I’m moving in there!
[Ashburn gets out of her car]
Mullins: No, don’t…! Hey, hey, hey! No! Get back in your car!
[Ashburn walks by and waves to Mullins, not realizing what she’s done, and walks towards the Police Department]
Mullins: Hey! Hey! Hey, asshole! Goddammit!
[Mullins drives off in anger]
[Mullins walks into the Boston Police Department holding up her FBI badge]
Desk Sergeant: Hey, you need to sign in.
[Ashburn ignores him and walks up to a cop’s sat at his desk]
Ashburn: Captain Woods?
[the cop points to Woods and Ashburn walks up to him]
Ashburn: Captain Woods?
[quietly to himself]
Captain Woods: Oh, Christ.
Captain Woods: Uh…how can I help you?
[Ashburn holds up her badge]
Ashburn: Special Agent Sarah Ashburn. We got intel recently that you brought in a dealer by the name of Terrell Rojas.
Captain Woods: Uh…yeah, but Detective Mullins isn’t back from lunch yet.
Ashburn: I’m sure he won’t mind.
Captain Woods: Well he’s a she, and we’re not really allowed to go near her collars.
Ashburn: Let me tell you what I think. I think that every second we’re standing here is interfering with a federal investigation. So, if you’d be so kind as to show me Mr. Rojas to an interrogation room. Thank you.
[Ashburn turns and starts walking off]
Captain Woods: Special Agent?
[Ashburn turns back]
Captain Woods: This way.
[Ashburn starts walking off and goes the wrong way again]
Captain Woods: Special Agent?
[Woods points to the door, he opens the door and Ashburn walks out and starts walking in the wrong direction again]
Captain Woods: Special Agent?
[Ashburn turns and follows Woods]
[Mullins manages to find a parking space between two police cars, but as she goes to open her door, she finds the space is too narrow and her car door hits the police car next to hers]
[in the interrogation room, Ashburn starts interrogating Rojas]
Ashburn: You are looking at possession with intent, which is a Class D drug charge, Chapter 94C, Section 32A.
Rojas: I had a joint and few little bags of coke. Since when is that shit illegal?
Ashburn: The answer to your question is always. And with your priors, you are looking at twenty-five years in some pretty stiff fines.
Rojas: Who the hell cares about fines? That’s twenty-five years!
Ashburn: Never mind, let’s see what you make of these. Huh?
[Ashburn places some crime photos on the desk in front of Rojas]
Ashburn: What do you make of these? What I make of them is that somebody doesn’t want somebody else selling on their turf. But you’re still here and you’re alive. Why is that? Who are you working for?
Ashburn: Who are you working for?
Ashburn: Who are you working for?
Rojas: Nobody! If I tell you, that’s my ass chopped up into million motherfucking pieces!
[back in the parking lot, Mullins tries to get out of her car on the passenger side, but as she opens the door it hits the car next to hers as the space is too narrow]
Mullins: Oh, dammit!
[Mullins starts getting out of the car window]
[as she movies her body out of her car window she pushes herself through the open car window of the police car next to hers]
Mullins: Motherfucker! Fucking park in my parking spot. Goddammit! Shit! Suit wearing God…
[she hits the steering wheel as she’s crawling through the car]
Mullins: Ow! Fuck.
[she manages to open the car door on the other side and get out]
Mullins: I said I’d fucking park in there…and she does in my Goddamn fucking space.
[as she gets out of the car she starts slamming the car door shut in anger]
[back in the interrogation room with Ashburn and Rojas]
Ashburn: I don’t want you to do time. I don’t want you to get chopped up into little tiny… mother-f-ing pieces. Oh. I can protect you. I can. But you gotta help me.
Rojas: I can help you.
Ashburn: You’re gonna help me?
Ashburn: Tell me where to find Julian?
Rojas: I don’t deal with him like that. I get my stuff from this bitch named Tatiana on Newkirk Avenue.
Ashburn: Can you describe her to me?
Rojas: She got brown eyes.
Rojas: She got some big ass breasteses…big breasteses.
Ashburn: Okay. Can you maybe be a little bit more specific?
[he holds out his hands in front of his chest, showing her the size of Tatiana’s breasts]
Rojas: Her breasteses is like this.
Ashburn: Okay. Thank you.
[Mullins enters the Police Department in a foul mood, as she walks past a cop]
[she walks past two cops talking to each other and laughing, she mocks their laughter]
Mullins: Oh, yeah! We’re at a comedy party. Yeah, move the fuck out of my way! Get a room.
[walking down the corridor]
Mullins: Tim, you still owe me forty! Yeah, tomorrow it’s sixty! Fucking dick weed.
[she walks into the cell holding area and notices the cell where Rojas was kept is empty]
Mullins: Why is the cage empty? What have I told you about moving my prisoners?
Precinct Officer: He’s in interrogation.
Mullins: Why would he be in interrogation when I’m standing right here?
Precinct Officer: They…they came and got him.
Mullins: Who’s ‘they’? It better be two of me. Is it two of me?
Precinct Officer: There’s a lady, she was…
Mullins: I’m a lady, did I come and get him?
Precinct Officer: No, no. It was a different lady, she was nice.
Mullins: I’m fucking nice.
Precinct Officer: I know.
Mullins: Why was she nice to you?
Precinct Officer: She made me give her the keys.
Mullins: I’m gonna make you fucking bend over, and I’m gonna reach up your ass into your pocket and get the keys to your house. And then I’m gonna drive there, come in your front fucking door and kill you in your sleep.
[back in the interrogation room]
Ashburn: I think I have a clear idea of what we’re looking for and I appreciate your time…
[at that moment Mullins opens the door to the interrogation room and enters]
Mullins: Wow, lady. You’re on a real fucking roll.
Ashburn: Excuse me? I…
Mullins: Yeah. No, I won’t excuse you. I just spent the last thirty minutes thinking of different ways to kill you.
Ashburn: I…I’m sorry. When did we meet?
Mullins: What is this, your lawyer?
Mullins: What are you, an insurance salesman? Do you sell those shitty suits?
Ashburn: I’m Special Agent Sarah Ashburn. How can I help you?
Mullins: You can get all of that.
[pointing to her]
Mullins: Get it up, and get it the fuck out of here, cause this is my room.
Ashburn: Were you…were you about to be, uh…questioned by a detective?
Mullins: I am a detective, and that’s my perp.
Ashburn: Ah. I…I understand now. Well, um…Detective, Mr. Rojas will be continuing on with me at this point.
Ashburn: It’s a jurisdictional issue.
Mullins: No. Not gonna happen.
Ashburn: So, uh…you’re…you’re efforts are duly noted. Thank you so much.
Mullins: Oh, great.
Ashburn: And if you’re okay with everything, could you just…just maybe close the door on the way out?
Mullins: I’ll shut the door on you. And you lay down here, put your head in the door? And I’ll slam it about a hundred and fifty-seven thousand fucking times.
Rojas: Oh, shit, girl. You better run.
Mullins: You need to shut your mouth.
Rojas: Run like you’re on fire.
Ashburn: You need to be quite.
Mullins: You’re gonna get up and we’re gonna settle this outside.
Ashburn: Okay. I’m…I won’t be going outside.
Mullins: You’re gonna get up, and you’re gonna come outside.
Ashburn: No, ma’am. Not going outside.
Mullins: Fine. We’ll do this inside.
[Mullins goes to shut the door, Ashburn rises from her seat]
Ashburn: Will somebody please remove this person from the interrogation room?
[Mullins closes the door and faces Ashburn]
Ashburn: Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, it runs in many families.
Mullins: I’m gonna hit you.
Ashburn: You’re not gonna hit me. Please don’t.
Mullins: I’m gonna hit you and knock all your little buttons. I’m gonna hit you here…
[Mullins points her finger at Ashburn’s chest]
Ashburn: Do not put your finger…
Mullins: Or here…
Ashburn: Do not put your finger in my…
Mullins: Knock our little buttons.
Ashburn: Stop touching my buttons. Stop touching my buttons.
Mullins: Then stop wearing them!
Ashburn: Stop it!
[Ashburn knocks Mullins hand aside]
Mullins: Don’t you move those fucking hands at me.
[suddenly they start hitting each other’s hands, at that moment Woods walks into the room]
Captain Woods: Hey, hey, hey!
[as they continue to hit each other’s hands]
Mullins: I’ll take that bow right out of your fucking hair…!
Captain Woods: Stop! Stop! Stop!
[Woods comes in between them]
Captain Woods: Stop. Hey, both of you, my office now.
[in Woods office Mullins walks around pretending to look for something]
Mullins: No, not in there.
There’s nothing I could do, Mullins. The FBI has jurisdiction.
[Mullins picks up some files from Woods desk]
Mullins: Maybe they’re in here.
Oh, come on.
Mullins: Maybe there in here. No.
Captain Woods: Will you stop? Will you stop?
[Mullins picks up Woods coffee flash and shakes it]
Mullins: No. They’re not in there.
Ashburn: What is she doing?
Mullins: They’re not under there.
Captain Woods: She’s looking for my balls.
[Mullins opens the office door and shouts out to the other officers]
Mullins: Hey, if anyone’s seen the Captain’s balls, let me know. They’re about this big…
[holds up her fingers to show a tiny size]
Mullins: But a lot tinier. They’re like a pea, or like a…like a ball bearing, or like, if you’ve ever seen a mouse ball, about half that size. Incredibly tiny, they’re like really, really tiny little girl balls, if little girls had balls. So if you find little tiny girl balls, they’re so fucking tiny, and shriveled up, let me know, cause I’ll put ’em right back up his scrotum!
[she shuts the office door]
[after Mullins has finished berating woods in front of the other officers]
Captain Woods: Knock it off, Mullins!
Mullins: How about you do something for once?
Captain Woods: What do you want me to do?!
Mullins: Oh, I’d like you to have my back and stop being so Goddamn disappointing, like everybody else!
[Mullins kicks Ashburn’s bag on the floor]
Ashburn: Oh, well that was professional.
Mullins: Oh, was that not professional? Here, let me…let me be professional.
[she picks up Ashburn’s bag from the floor, holding it upside down, making all the contents of the bag drop out]
Mullins: Let me help you pick up your bag.
[she then throws the empty bag to the floor]
Ashburn: That’s very mature.
Mullins: Let me just straighten it.
[she bends down and starts moving Ashburn’s stuff around on the floor, then she picks up a small box of pills and holds it up]
Mullins: Hey! Hey! Good news!
[she turns around and shouts to the other officers]
Mullins: Good news! I found his balls!
[she throws the pills at Woods]
Mullins: Enjoy that! Shove those back up there!
[Mullins turns and opens the office door]
Mullins: Cop of the year!
[she shuts the door and starts walking off]
Mullins: Keep it up!
[after Mullins leaves Woods office, Ashburn’s starts picking up her things from the floor]
Captain Woods: This job is destroying me. Do you know how old I am?
Captain Woods: I’m forty-three years old.
Ashburn: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, I always…see I always round up.
Captain Woods: I have a five year old son who calls me grandpa!
[Ashburn looks awkward]
Ashburn: So, uh…anyhoo, uh…sir, if um…if you could just, you know, keep her away from me, that would be…be very helpful.
[Ashburn looks for her car keys in her bag and can’t find them]
Captain Woods: She stole your keys, didn’t she?
Ashburn: Yes, she did. Do you know where I can find her?
Captain Woods: She probably at O’Flanagan’s, it’s a bar down the street. Now, it’s a little divey, you might want to wear a vest.
[Ashburn turns and leave walks out of the office]
[Ashburn walks over the bar that Woods mentioned and sees a person that looks like Mullins from behind sat at a table, Ashburn walks over to the table]
Ashburn: Hand them over, give me the keys. Now.
[the person turns and sees it’s a man]
Ashburn: Oh, my God.
[Mullins is sat behind her at the bar, she dangles Ashburn’s keys in front of her]
Mullins: Did you drop something?
[to the man at the table]
Ashburn: Apologize. Apologies.
[Ashburn walks over to Mullins and takes her car keys]
Ashburn: If you are so concerned about taking down a guy like Rojas, when we have just wasted all this time, when I could have stopped a drug lord who’s far more dangerous and supplies to people like Rojas.
Ashburn: Oh, really?
Ashburn: Oh, okay. Do you wanna see some bull feces?
[she takes out a file from her bag]
Mullins: I think I said bullshit, is what I said.
Ashburn: Here you go, here’s some bull poo-poo. How’s this for some bull feces?
[Ashburn takes out some photos of dead bodies from the file and holds them up to show Mullins]
Ashburn: How does that look, huh? See that?
[a woman holding a child walks up behind Mullins and looks at the photo’s]
Woman with Kid: Oh, come on. I got a kid here.
Ashburn: Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m very sorry, very sorry.
[the woman walks off]
Ashburn: Wait a minute, this is a bar!
[Mullins starts looking through Ashburn’s file]
Ashburn: No, absolutely not. No, no, no.
[she takes the file away from Mullins]
Ashburn: No, no, no, no…
Mullins: Why do I not know who Simon Larkin is?
Ashburn: Uh, that would probably be because the FBI knows more than you do.
Mullins: Uh, anything that’s happening in my neighborhood I have a right to know.
Ashburn: Uh…no, you actually don’t. You want to know, and you do not have the clearance that would allow you to read everything that is on this file. Okay?
[Ashburn turns and starts walking away]
Mullins: Okay. Alright. When bad shit happens in my neighborhood I get a little passionate about it. I shouldn’t have read your files, I went too far.
[Ashburn walks back toward Mullins]
Ashburn: Well, I…I accept your apology. But you need to understand that this is a highly important case, and the information is highly, highly sensitive. Therefore, we have these clearances…
Mullins: I don’t have the clearances. I don’t have the clearances, right? I mean, you’re…you are, wow, FBI.
Mullins: And you are…you’re a Goddamn angel of the law.
Ashburn: Well, I…that’s a little…
Mullins: No, I want you to spread those wings out and just sore…
[Mullins notices a woman walking past them and suddenly pushes her]
Ashburn: Well, I appreciate the sentiment. It’s certainly not…
[the woman Mullins pushed turns in anger towards Ashburn, Mullins points her finger at Ashburn]
Drunk Woman: Hey!
[the woman pushes Ashburn]
Drunk Woman: Watch it!
[Ashburn turns and faces the woman]
Ashburn: You watch it, I’m a federal agent.
Drunk Woman: Oh, yeah? Well, guess what? You dick! I’m a federal agent too!
[as Ashburn is distracted, Mullins uses this opportunity to steal the file from her bag]
Drunk Woman: I work at the Post Office!
Ashburn: Well, I…I appreciate the work you do for us down on the ground. Thank you. Thank you.
Drunk Woman: You bet your ass you do.
[the woman turns and starts walking away]
Ashburn: I can see no one will be getting their mail today, wow.
Mullins: Good burn. Good burn. You got burned, you big drunk patty!
[the woman shouts from the other side of the bar]
Drunk Woman: Eat my fucking Irish ass!
Ashburn: So, we are…we are good?
[Mullins extends her hand toward Ashburn and Ashburn shakes it]
Mullins: Thank you.
Ashburn: Thank you.
Mullins: Hey, America thanks you.
Ashburn: And I, it.
Mullins: And it, you.
Ashburn: Thank you.
[Ashburn turns to walk out the door, Mullins silently cheers her]
Ashburn: Yes. Okay. Good day.
[Ashburn leaves the bar, Mullins then takes out the file she stole from Ashburn]
[Mullins visits her brother Jason in prison]
Mullins: So how you been, Jason? You wanna talk about Simon Larkin?
Jason Mullins: No, I never heard of him.
Mullins: Don’t fucking lie to me. You’re my Goddamn brother, I know when you’re lying.
Jason Mullins: I’m just a low level guy, okay? I heard of Larkin, but I never met him.
Mullins: Yeah, well he’s a Goddamn animal and I’m trying to keep him from meeting you.
Jason Mullins: What, are you gonna storm through Boston and take down a drug lord?
Mullins: Yeah, I might. Have you met me?
Jason Mullins: Yeah, unfortunately.
Mullins: Yeah, shut up.
Jason Mullins: Look, I get out tomorrow. Okay, I’m coming home, I’m gonna be fine. I promise, alright?
[Ashburn drives to the home of Tatiana, Rojas’ drug supplier, and finds Mullins already there sat in her car, she walks over to Mullins car and knocks on her car window, this makes Mullins jump and she point her gun at Ashburn]
Ashburn: Oh, Jesus!
Mullins: Never approach me if I’m not expecting you!
Ashburn: Jesus Christ! What are you, an animal?! Hey, you know what? You said you would stay off my case and where do I find you? Right here. Right here in front of Tatiana’s apartment.
Mullins: What? I live here.
Ashburn: Oh, okay. That’s hilarious. Yeah, okay. You know what’s not funny? That you stole a confidential FBI case file.
Mullins: Oh, that’s funny. I don’t remember any of that.
Ashburn: I’m gonna say this one more time. Stand down, officer.
Mullins: Fuck off, officer.
Ashburn: Oh, okay. Guess what? Now you’ve really done it. I’m gonna call my boss.
Mullins: Yeah, you do that, tattle tits!
[Ashburn starts walk away]
Mullins: Fucking nark!
Ashburn: Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
[Ashburn calls Hale, she turns to look at Mullins and Mullins gives her the finger]
Ashburn: It’s Ashburn, sir. I’m gonna need authorization to suspend a police officer from my investigation, sir.
Hale: Ashburn, why is working with local authorities a problem for you?
Ashburn: Sir, it’s not. I understand how this might sound coming from me, but I…I think this individual might actually be mentally unstable.
Hale: According to her Captain, she grew up on those streets and she knows them better than anyone. That’s seems like an asset to our investigation.
Ashburn: Sir, I…
Hale: No, no, no, just work with her. Just show me you can do this or forget the promotion.
[Hale ends the call, but Ashburn pretend to carry on the conversation as she walks over to Mullins]
Ashburn: Well, sir, no need…no need to take someone’s badge. I think I can uh…I think I can work something out, sir. Alright. Thank you. Bye bye.
[she pretends to end the call as she stands by Mullins car]
Ashburn: You know, uh…I just…I think just…I think you and I got off on the wrong foot.
Ashburn: I don’t know Boston, you obviously have a…a lot of resources and a lot of knowledge about the area. That could be, you know, could be useful.
Mullins: Probably very.
Ashburn: So, uh…maybe we can work together on this.
Mullins: Yeah, I don’t need your help to take down Larkin.
Ashburn: You know, you wouldn’t even have known about Larkin if it wasn’t for me. So obviously I can get information that you can’t, okay? And there’s a lot more where that comes from, a lot.
Mullins: Maybe I just need to hear a little ‘I need your help, Mullins.’
Ashburn: No, I won’t be doing that.
Mullins: Okay, well, get your ass back in your car.
Ashburn: Okay, this is ridiculous. Okay? I’m an FBI agent, you’re a police officer, I’m not…
Mullins: ‘I need your help, Mullins.’
Ashburn: I need your help, Mullins.
Mullins: Oh, God. What is this? Is this a whisper party? I want that third floor to hear it. ‘I need your help, Mullins.’ And then maybe you can give me a little echo on the ‘Mullins’.
[Ashburn pauses for a moment before saying loudly]
Ashburn: I need your help, Mullins…Mullins…Mullins…Mullin…Mullin…
[Mullins opens her car door and starts getting out]
Mullins: Move, move, move! God! Even doing that you’re annoying. I will work with you as long as we are clear that this is my case.
Ashburn: That’s actually not correct.
[Mullins starts walking off]
Ashburn: This isn’t your…
Mullins: Awesome. Glad you see it my way.
[as they cross the street to go to Tatiana’s apartment building, Ashburn distracts Mullins and walks ahead of her]
Ashburn: Careful of the car.
[they both run towards the apartment building door and try to open the door at the same time]
Mullins: Stand down, I got it.
Ashburn: Will you just…will you just let go.
Mullins: I got it.
Ashburn: I have it.
Mullins: I got it.
Ashburn: Just let…
Mullins: I got it.
[neither lets go of the door and they both open it and walk into the building together]
[as they are walking up the stairs to Tatiana’s apartment they see a woman come out of her apartment with a bucket of dirty water and she throws the water over the balcony]
Ashburn: Ma’am, you uh…
[the woman ignores her and goes back into her apartment]
Mullins: Just go, just go.
[they then reach Tatiana’s door]
Ashburn: Okay, now just let me take the lead on this. I’m a trained interviewer.
Mullins: Interviewer? What are you, fucking Barbara Walters? I just thought we were gonna go in there and bring in some heat on.
Ashburn: I’m sorry. What does…what does that even mean? What does that mean?
Mullins: Me and you, we’re ‘the heat’. We go in there, we interrogate her, we scare the shit out of her.
Ashburn: See, we don’t say interrogation, it’s much too aggressive. Rule number one, catch more with sugar than the stick.
Mullins: That’s a horrible fucking saying.
Ashburn: Okay, well, what we like to do is…is create a genuine personal interest in the subject allowing them to open up. But from then I’m going to uh…perform instant personality assessment based on Myers-Briggs theory, uh…Thematic Apperception Test, and a few, well…few others I won’t…I won’t bore you with.
Mullins: Oh, my God. Well that’s…I am balls deep in boredom. Alright, as long as you don’t do that whole Goddamn long explanation again, we’ll try it your way first. Only because you’re older.
Ashburn: Oh, my God.
[Ashburn and Mullins both knock on Tatiana’s door until she opens the door]
Ashburn: Tatiana Krumula, I’m Special Agent Sarah Ashburn and this is Detective Mullins…
[at the same time Mullins holds out her badge]
Mullins: Detective Mullins.
Ashburn: Detective Mullins. And we’d like to ask you a few questions, if you could give us a moment.
Tatiana: Oh, sure. You know, now is bad.
Tatiana: I’m making butter.
Ashburn: Oh, oh…
Tatiana: How about another time?
Ashburn: Well if you could just give us…
[Tatiana goes to shut the door, but Mullins stops her]
Mullins: How about right fucking now?
Ashburn: You know, if you could just give us…
Mullins: How’s that?
[Mullins barges into the apartment pushing Ashburn aside]
Mullins: Right fucking now!
[Tatiana takes them into her living room]
Ashburn: Well, Tatiana, thank you. This is…this is very kind of you.
[they sit on the couch and Ashburn takes out her notebook]
Ashburn: So, how long have you lived here?
Tatiana: I’ve lived here since I moved in.
[Ashburn makes a note in her book]
Ashburn: Okay, that’s very very helpful. Okay, we’ll get a little bit more specific. Uh…what do you do for a living?
Mullins: I know what this asshole does for a living.
Tatiana: What you know, asshole?
Ashburn: Okay, sugar, no stick.
Ashburn: It is Bulgarian, is it not?
Tatiana: No, I’m fucking French.
Mullins: Oh, jeez.
[Ashburn starts speaking in Bulgarian]
Tatiana: I don’t understand what you’re saying.
Mullins: Nice bullshit Bulgarian.
Ashburn: Okay, you know what? That was perfect Bulgarian.
Tatiana: I mean, I don’t understand what you’re talking about? Why I go to jail when I don’t do shit?
Ashburn: Ah! Okay. So, she did understand what I was saying. She just didn’t understand the context in which I said it, right?
Tatiana: Oh, sweet God.
Mullins: Okay. Okay. Alright, Rosetta Stone, you’re done.
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