This is a predictable R-rated comedy with The Sitter quotes
steady flow of crude ludicrous humor. It's an incredibly fast,
senseless and choppy story that provides Jonah Hill with ridiculous
misadventures but still seems to inject the right amount of humor for
this type of movie. There really is no point in over
analyzing this kind of movie because the moment the movie ends you will
completely forget about it. If senseless humor is what you are looking
for then The Sitter
quotes won't disappoint
by: David Gordon Green
Alessandro Tanaka Starring: Jonah Hill
- Noah Griffith
Max Records - Slater
Ari Graynor - Marisa Lewis
J.B. Smoove - Julio
Sam Rockwell - Karl
Landry Bender - Blithe
Kevin Hernandez - Rodrigo
Kylie Bunbury - Roxanne
Erin Daniels - Mrs. Pedulla
D.W. Moffett - Dr. Pedulla
Jessica Hecht - Sandy Griffith
Bruce Altman - Jim Griffith
Cliff 'Method Man' Smith - Jacolby
Sean Patrick Doyle - Garv
Alex Wolff - Clayton
Jack Krizmanich - Ricky Fontaine
Grace Aronds - Twin #1
Jane Aronds - Twin #2
Lou Carbonneau - Maitre' D
Alysia Joy Powell - Kid City Employee
Samira Wiley - Tina
Sammuel Soifer - Benji Gillespie
[after Noah has just
done done on her] Marisa Lewis:
Oh, my God! My mom was so right. Nice guys really do eat the best pussy. Noah Griffith:
I'm not really sure how to interpret that. Thank you! Marisa Lewis: Oh,
my God! Why are you so good at that? Noah Griffith: I'll
let you in on a trade secret. I actually write a short story with my
tongue everytime I do it. Uh...it follows this young kid, who
uh...finds this alien in the woods with all these Reese's Pieces and
stuff and uh...he learns that aliens are just no different, you just
can connect with anyone. It's kind of like E.T. only with a lot more
uh...going down on chicks. Marisa Lewis: Cool
beans! Noah Griffith: Yeah!
Cool beans. Definitely cool little frozen beans.
Marisa Lewis: Thank
you for coming. Noah Griffith: Yeah,
we should uh...probably uh... Marisa Lewis: Yeah,
you should probably go. Noah Griffith: ...switch
places. What's that? [Marisa laughs] Noah Griffith: I
figured... Marisa Lewis: You
have to go? Noah Griffith: No!
No! I just figured because I made uh...mouth love to you, that maybe
you could return the favor. Marisa Lewis: What? Noah Griffith: Maybe
toss a B.J. my way. If you have time? Marisa Lewis: Um...my
stomach is super iffy right now. I think I got food poisoning. Noah Griffith: Baby [he tries to stroke her
forehead but she pushes his hand away] Marisa Lewis: So,
I'm just in no condition to blow you right now and all that. Noah Griffith: No.
Yeah. That's cool. Marisa Lewis: Okay.
Sorry! Next time, sweetie.
[as Noah is leaving her
house] Marisa Lewis: Thank
you so much for going down on me. Noah Griffith: Oh!
Yeah! Yeah! You're really good at um...getting going down on. Getting
downed on, so. You should be proud of that as well. Marisa Lewis: Okay.
Cool. You're the man! Noah Griffith: You
the man. Marisa Lewis: Thanks.
You're the best, sweetie! Noah Griffith: You
gotta start believing in yourself. Okay, Maris?
[at home with his mom] Sandy Griffith:
So have you started looking for a job yet? I can't afford to have you
sitting around all day. You know, you're in a period of stasis. Of...a
stage of stasis! [Noah sits down and
turns on the TV] Noah Griffith: Sorry.
Why can't we hit up dad? I mean he owes us ten years of alimony. Sandy Griffith: Oh!
Look kiddo, if you're looking for a handout, think again times ten. Noah Griffith: That
guy's a diamond dealer. he has crazy cash. Why did you marry such an
A-hole? Sandy Griffith: That
A-hole gave me the greatest gift in the world. Noah Griffith: Crabs? Sandy Griffith: He
gave me you.
Sandy Griffith: Do
I look okay? Noah Griffith: You
look amazing. Why...why are you so concerned with your outfit? Sandy Griffith: Mrs.
Pedulla is introducing me to a surgeon at the...at the fundraiser. Noah Griffith: Okay. Sandy Griffith: At
that Historical Society. She thinks we're gonna hit it off. Noah Griffith: Nice.
Well, don't give it up too easily. Sandy Griffith: Give
what up? Noah Griffith: What? Sandy Griffith: Give
what up? Noah Griffith: What
did...? Sandy Griffith: What
the hell are you talking about? Noah Griffith: I
don't know! Have fun. I love you. Okay?
[after getting a call
from Mrs. Pedulla canceling her night out] Sandy Griffith: I'm
not going after all. Noah Griffith: What?
Why? Sandy Griffith: The
uh...the Pedulla's sitter canceled at the last minute. [she gives Noah a look] Noah Griffith: What?
Do I have shit on my face? Sandy Griffith: Come
on! Don't tell me you can't use the money. Noah Griffith: Are
you crazy? No! I'm not Mary Poppins. I'm not gonna be a babysitter. I'm
an adult man. Okay, babysitting sucks! Adult men don't babysit things. Sandy Griffith: Oh,
no. You're wonderful with children.
[after agreeing to
babysit Noah rings the doorbell of the Pedulla residence] Mrs. Pedulla:
Noah. Noah Griffith: Mrs.
Pedulla! Mrs. Pedulla: It's
so good to see you! [Noah notices her ample
breasts] Noah Griffith:
Oh, my Gosh! Mrs. Pedulla:
My gosh! Noah Griffith:
Get over! Bring it in for a hug, man! [Mrs. Pedulla gives Noah
a hug] Noah Griffith: What
are we doing? Mrs. Pedulla:
God! I haven't seen you since you were like, fifteen! Noah Griffith:
Yeah! So Dr. Pedulla still alive? Are you two still together? Mrs. Pedulla:
[meeting Slater for the
first time] Noah Griffith:
how old are you, man? Slater:
Thirteen. Noah Griffith: Thirteen.
What am I doing here? Why are you babysitting yourself? Slater: I'm
not a babysitter, okay? Noah Griffith: Yeah,
neither am I. And if you would just man up and babysit, I wouldn't have
to be here tonight. I could be out having fun. Slater: I
have severe anxiety issues. And my doctor, he's says that I can't
handle any kind of responsibility or else I could just snap. At any
moment. Noah Griffith: Jesus
Christ, man. Relax!
[meeting Blithe for the
first time] Blithe: Are
you the babysitter? Noah Griffith: Well,
in fact I am. I'm Noah. Blithe: Noah.
That's your name? Noah Griffith: Yeah. Blithe: That's
a super hot name. Noah Griffith: What? Mrs. Pedulla: Honey,
it's not...it's not hot. It's just his name. Blithe: Mom,
trust me. It's a hot name. Noah Griffith: It's
actually biblical. Blithe: The
bible's a hot book.
I like to get dressed up and wear my mom's make-up, Noah. Noah Griffith: That's
cool. Blithe: I
was thinking we could dress you up like a princess. Noah Griffith: No,
I don't think uh... [feeling awkward he
starts to laugh] Mrs. Pedulla:
honey. Maybe not tonight.
Noah. I have a little surprise for you. Noah Griffith:
Cool. Thanks. What is it? [she takes a bottle of
perfume and walks towards him with the perfume
bottle at her back] Blithe:
Do you like to smell pretty? Noah Griffith:
Do I like to what? [he comes closer to her
and Blithe quickly sprays the perfume into his open mouth] Noah Griffith:
Aah! Oh, my God! You got it right in my mouth! Why did you do that? Blithe:
You just spit on my carpet! Noah Griffith:
You sprayed perfume in my mouth! What's your problem?
real babysitter, Nancy, she plays with me when she babysits. She does
what I want her to do, Princess Noah! Noah Griffith: You
know what? I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I'm
not a real babysitter. Blithe: Huuhh!
Shocking! Noah Griffith: I'm
more of a 'sit on the couch, eat a burrito, do whatever I say or I'll
kill you' type of
babysitter. That's my style, blood. Do you understand? Blithe:
Well, I wanna wear sparkley things, shiny things and glittery stuff to
my favorite hot night club. Okay? [mimicking Blithe
talking] Noah Griffith:
Muh...muh-muh-muh, muh-muh-muh-muh... [Blithe sprays perfume
into his open mouth again] Noah Griffith: Aah!
Motherfu...! [just at that moment
Mrs. Pedulla walks into the room] Mrs. Pedulla:
You guys okay in here? Noah Griffith:
What's up? Yeah. No. Yeah, I'm just uh...hanging with this
little angel, right here. Blithe:
Yeah, we're just chillin'. Mrs. Pedulla: You
breath is really flowery. Noah Griffith: Oh,
thank you. Thank you so much.
[after she's introduced
Noah to their adopted son, Rodrigo] Mrs. Pedulla: You
kind of have to watch out for Rodrigo, he has a habit of running away.
Here hold onto this. [she gives him a small
monitor] Mrs. Pedulla: We
sewed a GPS into his jacket, so we could keep track of him. You know,
it's kind of like a LoJack for kids. Noah Griffith: Cool.
It's just like a little dot that follow him, like a...like a fugitive.
[as Dr. Pedulla walks
into the kitchen] Dr. Pedulla:
Someone smells wonderful!
Mrs. Pedulla: Mm,
I believe that's Noah's mouth. You remember Noah. [Noah puts his hand out
to shake Dr. Pedulla hand but he ignores it] Dr. Pedulla: I
understand you sited recently for driving under the influence. Needless
to say our cars are off limits to you. Noah Griffith: Okay.
No cars. Got it. Mrs. Pedulla: We'll
be back no later than one o'clock. Noah Griffith: Earlier
is good for me too. So uh...hurry home. Mrs. Pedulla: And
thank you! Noah Griffith: Thank
you, sweetheart. [to himself as the
Pedulla's leave] Noah Griffith: What
the fuck am I doing here?
Mrs. Pedulla: Can
we go to a club tonight? This place is so dead. Noah Griffith: No. Mrs. Pedulla: Don't
you just wanna go dancing or something?
Mrs. Pedulla: Do
you wanna hear some gossip? I got some hot gossip Noah Griffith: I'm
okay, actually. I'm...I'm trying to watch something. So if you could
shhh, best be quite.
[the door bell rings and
Noah answers and two red headed twins] Noah Griffith: Oh,
what's up twins? Twin #1: Is
Slater home? Twin #2: Is
he here? Twin #1:
Yeah! Oh, my God! [shouting to Slater] Noah Griffith: Slater!
You got the two Redrum chicks from The Shining here to see you!
[Marisa calls Noah] Noah Griffith: What's
cookin' good lookin'? Marisa Lewis: You
know what? I'm at a party. Noah Griffith: Party?
I thought you had food poisoning. Marisa Lewis: I
did and then Steph called me and invited me to this party. Do you wanna
come? Noah Griffith: Damn!
I'm doing something for my mom right now. Marisa Lewis: I
really really wanna see you. I'm actually like super horny for you and
I was thinking we could have sex. Noah Griffith: Like,
intercourse sex? Marisa Lewis: Yeah,
like full on vaginal sex. [Noah clears his throat] Noah Griffith: Yeah!
I think that can...I think I can work something out. Yeah, for sure.
[continuing to talk to
Marisa on the phone] Marisa Lewis: Listen,
will you do me a favor and pick up some coke on your way? Noah Griffith: Yeah,
sure. You want anything else? Like beer, mixers? Marisa Lewis: No.
I mean like co-oke! Noah Griffith: You
mean blow? I thought...I thought you were done with that stuff? That
stuff is bad news. Marisa Lewis: I
am done with it. It's not for me, it's for Steph. It's her Birthday,
she asked me for it, I'm just trying to be a really good friend about
it. Noah Griffith: I
don't even know where I'd get something like that. Marisa Lewis: Just
call Karl. Noah Griffith: Who's
Karl? Marisa Lewis: He's
just a super awesome guy that sells me drugs. Use...used to sell me
drugs. [Noah takes a deep
breath] Marisa Lewis: No-ah? Noah Griffith: I
only have a hundred and fifty bucks. Marisa Lewis: That's
more than enough. Just ask for one ticket and he'll hook it up.
[when he hears Marisa
refer to him as her boyfriend to someone at the party] Noah Griffith: Did
you just call me your boyfriend? Marisa Lewis: Yeah.
I guess I did. So are you coming or not? [Noah doesn't answer] Marisa Lewis: Hello?
Are you there? Noah Griffith: Yeah.
Fuck it. I'm in.
[as they open the garage
door and the car is revealed] Noah Griffith: Of
course, a minivan. Blithe: That
car's not hot at all. Noah Griffith: As
much as I hate to do this, we're goin' on a little field trip.
Noah Griffith: What
is your deal? Why are you wearing so much make-up? [Blithe sings to the
tune playing in the car] Blithe: 'It
can real fly my way to the club, and I can dance all night and get
fucked up.' Say whatever you want, I know I look good.
Noah Griffith: Slater,
seriously. Tell me you're not wearing a fanny pack. Tell me I'm
imagining that and that's not what I'm actually seeing. Slater: I
need it to carry my pills. Noah Griffith: Why
do you take those pills anyway? Slater: I
already told you I have issues. Noah Griffith: Issues?
You look like a Gap model! When I was your age I had a mouth full of
braces and a face like a Papa John's pizza. Those are real issues, my
man. Slater: Whatever.
[as they are driving in
the car someone farts, Noah thinks it was Rodrigo] Noah Griffith: Aaach!
Come on, Rodrigo! That's not cool, buddy! Rodrigo: Was
not me! [Slater laughs] Noah Griffith: Slater,
that's disgusting! Didn't your parent teach you not to fart in the car?
You just crop dusted me. Slater: No!
That was not me! Blithe: Uh-oh!
Noah Griffith: Uh-oh?
What's uh-oh? Blithe: It
was me. I pooted. I don't think it was just a poop poot. I sharted. [suddenly the foul odor
hits everyone hard in the car Noah almost crashes the car] Noah Griffith: Oh!
[Noah takes Blithe into
a kids clothing store to buy her new underwear and the sales lady
thins Noah's acting suspiciously] Blithe: They
fit. Let's go. Noah Griffith: There
we go, there she is.
Kid City Employee:
Excuse me, young lady. Do you this person? Blithe: No. Noah Griffith: Yeah. Kid City Employee: Which
is it? Blithe: He
came into my house and stole my mom's minivan. Now he's taking me and
my brothers to get some candy. Noah Griffith: Okay.
That sounds way, way worse than it actually is, but... [a woman in the shop
notices them and thinks she recognizes Noah] Tina: Hey,
don't I know you from somewhere? Noah Griffith: What?
No! I'm...I'm the babysitter. Kid City Employee: What? Blithe: He's
not a real babysitter. He's a 'do whatever I say or I'll
kill you' type of babysitter. Kid City Employee: What? Noah Griffith: No.
That sounds way... Blithe: That's
what you said! Noah Griffith: Blithe,
shut the fuck up! Kid City Employee: Do
not tell her to shut up! Blithe: Thank
[as Noah is arguing
with the sales lady the woman behind then realizes where she's Noah
before] Tina: I
remember you. I went to high school wit you ass. You came to my house
party one time, got all wasted and then you puked in my grand mama's
urn. And when asked you about it you lied, ran away like a little
beaitch! Noah Griffith: I
didn't run away like a little beaitch. I probably just ran like a
normal person. Kid City Employee: And
now you hangin' out in the little girl's clothes section! Noah Griffith: Can
you please lower your voice. There are numerous misunderstandings
happening at once. Kid City Employee: No,
no, no! Ah-uh. I'm not buyin' none of this. Noah Griffith: You
gotta believe... [the sales lady suddenly
grabs hold of Blithe to take her away from Noah] Kid City Employee: I'm
not buying any of this! [Noah tries to stop her
and Tina tries to help the sales lady but Noah
accidentally pushes her into a display, and grabs Blithe and runs out
of the store]
[referring to Blithe
implying that he'd kidnapped her when they were at the clothes store] Noah Griffith: Why
did you say that, Blithe? Blithe: You
were trying to make me buy green underwear! Green underwear is not hot!
You're the worst babysitter ever! [mimicking Blithe] Noah Griffith: 'You're
the worst babysitter ever.'
[suddenly he realizes
Rodrigo is not in the car] Noah Griffith: You
guys, where's Rodrigo? Slater: I
don't know. I guess he left. [Noah suddenly breaks
and stops the car] Noah Griffith: That's
an incredible observation, Slater. Where did he go? Slater: I
don't know! I was talking to my friend Clayton. Noah Griffith: Which
way did he go? Slater: I
don't know! [Noah hears the GPS
monitor Mrs. Pedulla had given him and sees Rodrigo's track] Noah Griffith: Got
you, you little bastard.