By Peya Jakob (Durban)
trainwreck-2

 

Well, well, welcome to this very appropriately named movie that is never on track from the beginning. It embraces its premise far too well and in the process manages to alienate every group of people it can, be it black, white, women and Asians. It insults you slap bang and credit to it does not apologize for it. It meanders meaninglessly across its two hour run time (yes) and by 40 minutes somehow feels endless, eternal and probably your punishment for something wrong you did in your years drunk at college. The only thing of note is that it reveals the end to The Usual Suspects, I guess as one final insult, a middle finger to the audience.

Where to start? Is it that Amy is one dimensional? Yes, it is. It is also that the movie is well worn as a premise and could be a poor man’s version of any romantic insulting comedy in the past decade. It is also that LeBron, who acts as LeBron in this movie, is perhaps a redeeming point. Imagine LeBron funny in a comedy.

It is a type worn, cynical, and unfortunate affair all together. And if you see it, you will regret it. You will regret wasting that hour. Why only an hour? Because at that point you walk out of the theater or dorm room or whatever place you are regretting this low point in cinema.

The question is, why all the gay jokes, crude sex jokes, child jokes and homeless people riffs? And why lean into them so hard? And so often? What happened to the easy humor that is not at the expense of women? When Amy says that cheerleaders are going to lose women the right to vote I feel genuinely sad. Feminism just took a punch in the face. By the time I got to the parts about falling in love, about the two people connecting, I had no doubts in my mind that the characters didn’t exist to me, and would not resonate with anyone that at this point Thor and Hawkeye and the other Avengers were making me forget the mistake I made of watching this movie. Thank you Marvel.

I mean her dad beat a kid for crying out loud. And they laugh about it at his funeral. Where he offended everyone. Well she had that in common with him. She just spent an hour offending me. The one dimensional boss, the rude off key interactions and lack of chemistry makes you feel like you are witnessing something that you should be trying to stop, like there is a maniac with a gun behind the camera and he is making them do this.

It’s no wonder Amy herself treats this as a tribute to alcoholism and drug abuse. All the weed in the world can’t make this any adorable. She asks him, “What’s wrong with you that you want to be with me?” Self-deprecating pander that just sums it up nicely. And a great massage to all girls out there who want to feel like less than they are because they have had sex before. Good job producers. That argument, that scene about going down on her too much, yes that should have been cut. It wasn’t a real argument and probably the movie would have survived without it. It should have been forgotten, like most of this movie. Apart from the father explaining how to be promiscuous to his 10 year-old and 5 year-old with a doll metaphor. That part we can keep. I mean we gotta keep something right?

I really like her but she is like a fucking demon. That’s a quote for the ages. A great way to encourage the view that relationships are supposed to be abusive and undercutting. That you have to hate the other person to love them. It’s a way to feed into stereotypes and make the same point for 120 minutes. Let me just tell you now, so you can watch something else. The world revolves around alcoholic mean people. Like Amy and her father. Her nice sister who wants a family is not what you should like. You should be the weird intern with a sexual fetish no one understands. The safe word is pineapple, I urge you to use it now. Don’t wait past the third minute of this “movie”.

 

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