after Tayback] Cody: Just
wait, just wait! Listen! Listen,
Four Leaf Tayback: I don't wanna hear it. Cody: Let
me just be real with
you, all right? I
almost blinded Jamie Lee Curtis
on Freaky Friday, okay? This shit will fucking ruin me!
Four Leaf Tayback: Just get off me! You're pathetic. Cody: No,
I'm not. Four Leaf Tayback:
off me! Cody: You
are not going back! [they
get into a wrestling match, Cody holds on to Tayback's
hooks and accidentally pulls them off, revealing two perfect hands] Cody: What
the fuck? Four Leaf Tayback:
wait a minute.
with that map, chief? Ha? Can I have a look at it? Tugg Speedman: I
got it. Yeah,
Damien gave it to me, remember? Kirk Lazarus:
but he gave
it to you for
us. Tugg Speedman: Aha.
Yeah. Kirk Lazarus:
Okay. Tugg Speedman: I
got it. Kirk Lazarus:
got it upside
down. Tugg Speedman: Thank
you. Kirk Lazarus:
go one way
and the numbers
another. Dude, I'm trying to...I got your back, man. Tugg Speedman: Well,
cool. All right. Kirk Lazarus:
are? Tugg Speedman: I'm
cool Kirk Lazarus:
dyslexic? Tugg Speedman:
character's not dyslexic. Kirk Lazarus:
Portnoy: I'm tired, I want to go home. Alpa Chino:
Why, so you can get
back and make Fatties: Fart 20, or some shit? Jeff Portnoy: It's
Fart Two, there's no... Hey, you wish you had a Fatties franchise. Alpa Chino: What? Jeff Portnoy: It's
Fart Two. Yeah, you do. Alpa Chino: I
don't want no
Fatties franchise, I got a diamond toilet. Jeff Portnoy: Your
map in Speedman's hand] Kirk
Lazarus: You still got that shit upside
numbers help, man, the numbers...the letters go across the top and then
the numbers. Tugg Speedman: You
map? You want the map, huh? Kirk
Lazarus: Yeah, I want the fucking map. Tugg Speedman: Well,
have it, 'cause Damien gave it me.
Alpa Chino] Jeff
wish you had my farts, my farts are fucking music.
told everyone to break for lunch] Kirk
Lazarus: All right, that's lunch.
Comin' back to the same scene afterwards, "Lost in the goddamn jungle."
Captain Simple Jack.
Portnoy: I fucking hate movies. This is bullshit. I don't
be in this shitty movie. [he
his bag of cocaine in jellybeans packet out, a bat flies in grabs hold
of it and flies away with it] Jeff
Portnoy: No! That's my jellybeans!
no..no! [to Alpa Chino] Jeff
grab the bat! Please! Shit! Alpa Chino:
Yo, man, I got a
is peeing and turns to see Lazarus standing uncomfortably close to
him] Kirk Lazarus: Sanducci.
up, man, keep it on the down-low. I don't really gotta piss. I'm trying
to talk at you, man.
know Speedman got everyone convinced we out here making Planet of the
Apes on YouTube or some shit, but I don't buy it. You wanna step
on a real landmine? You wanna die? You wanna get shot by a real
looks at him] Kirk
Lazarus: Keep looking ahead, man. Kevin Sandusky: No,
Lazarus: Got a big job coming up next year. Kevin Sandusky:
Oh, yeah? Kirk Lazarus: Yeah.
Abe Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth when they were both young. Kevin Sandusky: Oh,
wow! Kirk Lazarus: Yeah.
Kevin Sandusky: That's
classy picture. Kirk Lazarus: Dude,
of look like Abe. Slap a beard on you. What's your fuckin' name? Kevin Sandusky: It's
makes a show of pretending he's done peeing, then slaps
Sandusky on the ass and turns to look at Speedman] Kirk Lazarus:
smelled just like bologna for some reason.
is getting comfortable continuing to pee again when he turns
see Speedman right next to him] Tugg Speedman: I'm
with you, bro. I don't need to pee. I need to talk to you. [he takes out a can of
Booty Sweat and sticks the tip of his Bowie
knife into it, making it shoot out everywhere] Tugg
is gonna torpedo the movie. He's way out on a limb with this character,
and I think he's getting cold feet. And the men respect you, 'cause you
went to boot camp and rehearsal. Can I count on you, Kyle. Kevin Sandusky: Ahh...It's
bat that took Portnoys cocaine bag falls. Portnoy catches it trying to
rip the bat open with his teeth] Jeff Portnoy:
Yeah, now you're
dead! You O.D'd!
Portnoy: Yeah. I'm not feeling so good right now.
skin hurts! Tugg Speedman: Enough
peanut gallery! Into the water, ladies! Kirk Lazarus:
no, no man.
Let me take a look
at that map right quick. Tugg Speedman: Why
everybody all obsessed with the map? Kirk Lazarus:
tired of being your trail donkeys! Acting like you some one-man GPS!
God damn it! We lost! We fucking super lost, man!
Speedman: I don't believe you people. Kirk Lazarus: Huh?
What do you
mean "you people"? Alpa Chino:
What do you mean,
"you people"? Kirk Lazarus: Huh? Kevin Sandusky: I..I
what eh...Tugg means is... Kirk Lazarus: No,
look at his
eyes, man. Kevin Sandusky: ...you
you actors. You people... Kirk Lazarus: Look
beady, white devil eyes.
shoots his rifle into the air to stop them all arguing] Tugg Speedman: Chill!
right? Just chill it. Now, let's go get those Viet Congs. Alpa Chino: "Viet
Cong"! Tugg Speedman: What? Alpa Chino: It's
There's no "S." It's already plural. You wouldn't say "Chineses."
right, that's enough of this insubordination! If the machine breaks
down, we break down. Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I, he was big but
little puffy and then Rambo II, he got all shredded up? Tugg Speedman: Yeah. [Lazarus walks up to
stand in front
of Speedman] Kirk Lazarus: That's
how you look right now.
Tugg Speedman: Oh,
Yeah? Kirk Lazarus: Not
Rambo I but
II. Tugg Speedman:
Really? Kirk Lazarus: Yeah,
was cut up. Tugg Speedman: Well,
that...I mean, that's what I'm going for, but you know... Kirk Lazarus: Come
You more shredded than a julienne salad, man. Tugg Speedman: Thanks. Kirk Lazarus: What's
secret, dude? Tugg Speedman: It's
I'm just dieting. Kirk Lazarus: Really?
I'm trying to come up a little, but it's just... it's tough. Tugg Speedman: You
Kirk Lazarus: Any
tips? Tugg Speedman: What? Kirk Lazarus: Any
got? Tugg Speedman: There's,
the pineapple... [Lazarus quickly
snatches the map
from Speedman's hand] Kirk Lazarus: Give
goddamn map! Tugg Speedman: Hey! Kirk Lazarus: Fuck
Speedman: This is insane! Are you really going to abandon
movie? We're supposed to be a unit! Kirk Lazarus: Suck
have no idea where you're going! Tugg Speedman:
Yes, I do! [reads from
the scene list] Tugg Speedman: I'm
going to, "Exterior, rain forest, dusk. "Smash cut to Four Leaf, who
treks alone through a frightening jungle." Suck on that unit, Kirk!
is leading the actors through the jungle and
Sandusky is following behind him] Kevin Sandusky: Now,
if you recall that whole hullabaloo where Hollywood was split into
schisms, some studios backing Blu-ray Disc, others backing HD DVD.
People thought it would come down to pixel rate or refresh rate, and
they're pretty much the same. What it came down to was a combination of
gamers and porn. Now, whichever format porno backs is usually the one
that becomes the eh...the most successful. Eh...but, you know, Sony,
every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in
Kirk Lazarus: You
me this whole time? Kevin Sandusky: I...I
talking to whoever was listening to me.
Portnoy: Oh, God! It's cold! Brrrr...it's freezing. I'm
cold. Alpa Chino:
You want my flak
jacket? Jeff Portnoy: What,
insane? It's boiling! It's like a sweat lodge out here! Kirk Lazarus: Keep
volume down on that bitching, Flatch Adams. Jeff Portnoy: I
gotta take a
fucking 12-pound shit!
might be in for a treat. You know, back before the war broked out, I
was a saucier in San
Antone. I bet I
could collar up some of them
greens. Yeah, noodle some crawfish out the paddy,
yo. Ha! And maybe
some crab apples for dessert, now, you hear? Hell yeah, hah! [mocking
yeah! Hah! That's how we all talk? We all talk like this, suh!
Yes, suh, hah! Yeah, mmm-hmm get some crawfish and some ribs, hah!
Ye-aah! You're Australian! Be Australian! Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack. [Alpa hops away like a
kangaroo] Kirk Lazarus:I
excited about my
and Tayback are tied to a post in the Flaming Dragon compound] Cody: Dude,
dude, what the hell is going on here? Where
Four Leaf Tayback: I have no idea. I've never
States. Cody: Wait,
Are you fucking kidding me? Did you make
whole goddamn thing up? Dude, were you even in the fucking service? Four Leaf Tayback: Yes.
course. Coast Guard. Cody: Coast
Guard! Four Leaf Tayback:
Department. Cody: Oh,
my God! You're a
fucking garbage man! Damn it. F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole
goddamn U.S. Of A. Four Leaf Tayback:
wrote the book as a tribute! I'm a patriot! Cody: Yeah,
you're the Milli
Vanilli of patriots, okay?
I don't wanna be next to you. Four Leaf Tayback: Writers
lie all the time. [to the guard that's
in] Cody: Can
I be tied to
another post? Okay.
the phone] Tugg
killed one, Rick. The thing I love most in the world. Rick Peck: Vivica,
get off the
[to Speedman] Rick Peck: A
hooker? All right, you killed a hooker. Calm down. Here's what you're
gonna do. Get your hands on some bleach, some hydrogen peroxide and a
shitload of lime. Tugg Speedman: No,
a panda. I
killed a panda. Rick Peck: Amanda?
dude. I mean, that's probably not even her real name. Tugg Speedman: No,
a panda! Rick Peck: A
panda? Tugg Speedman: A
cuddly, vicious little panda. Rick Peck: Jesus
Man, don't scare me like that!
Peck: All right, man. Hey, how's the TiVo working out? Tugg Speedman: Screw
way beyond TiVo. Last I checked, they hadn't hooked it up, though.
Speedman: It doesn't matter anymore. I've moved on. Rick Peck: Where
have you moved on to? Another agency? Who's with you? It's Nick
Stevens, isn't it? That little fucker. You are still my client, Tugg
Speedman! I am getting the TiVo! Jacket's on, I'm out the door! Tugg?
Please don't fire me.
doesn't look too good. Jeff Portnoy: Must
drink, so I
can throw something up! [Portnoy crawls to the
edge of the
river and starts drinking water from the river] Kevin Sandusky: No,
drink that water! That water's like a petri dish! No, don't! Uh...Alpa,
do you have any Booty Sweat? Kirk Lazarus: [mockingly] Yeah,
chuggin' on some of Alpa's ass water. That'll bring him around. It's a
why am I in this movie? Maybe I just knew I had to represent, because
they had one good part in it for a black man and they gave it to
Crocodile Dundee. Kirk Lazarus:
Pump your brakes,
kid. That man is a national treasure. Alpa Chino: I
just wanted to
throw another shrimp on your barbie. Kirk Lazarus: That
Chino: I'm just fuckin' with you, Kangaroo Jack! I'm
dingo ate your baby. Kirk Lazarus: You
a true story? Lady lost her kid. You about to cross some fuckin' lines. Kevin Sandusky:
Guys, relax and
stuff. Alpa Chino: You
Fuck that, man! I'm sick of this koala-huggin' nigga
tellin' me... [Lazarus
slaps Alpa and he goes to punch back but Lazarus blocks the punch and
Alpa into an embrace] Kirk Lazarus:
For 400 years, that word has kept us down. Alpa Chino: What
the fuck? Kirk Lazarus: It
took a whole lot of tryin' just to get up that hill. Now we up in the
big leagues, getting our turn at bat. Long as we live, it's you and me,
baby. [pulling away] Alpa Chino: That's
song for The Jeffersons. You really need help! Kirk Lazarus: Yeah.
'cause it's the theme song, don't make it not true.