Page 1 2 THE NOVEL
[after her drink with Simon, she returns to her apartment where Colin is waiting for her]
Ally Darling: Cross Simon off the list.
Colin Shea: What happened?
Ally Darling: Well, my British accent was a little rusty and half way through darts I started sounding like Eliza Doolittle.
[Ally has flashback with Simon in the pub where her English accent got worse]
Simon: So, you were saying you got sacked.
Ally Darling: Yep. Losing me job wasn’t the end of the world. Still got me mates and a roof over me head. I don’t need much. Just a room somewhere, far away from the cold night air.
[back with Colin recalling her disastrous date with Simon]
Ally Darling: And then when I tried to pull out of it, for some reason I panicked and went whole Borat.
[flashback to Ally back with Simon at the pub where she’s now talking like Borat]
Ally Darling: So, I order another round?
Simon: Mm…no. No, I think we better call it a night.
Ally Darling: Oh, no! I talk all the time! I know nothing about you!
[there’s an awkward silence, Ally then starts speaking in a Swedish accent]
Ally Darling: So, what’s next for Svorgen?
[back with Colin]
Colin Shea: Svorgen?
Ally Darling: I turned into this Swedish chef from the Muppets.
Colin Shea: He was my favorite.
Ally Darling: Okay, who else we got?
[looking at her list of ex-boyfriends]
Colin Shea: We got ten possibilities left. Jay, from Club Med Turkoise. I’m trying, but I need more info.
Ally Darling: I’m sorry, it was spring break. Jay may not even be his real name. I’m certainly not Kelly with an I.
Colin Shea: Uh…Barrett Ingold, lives in Miami. I know it’s not geographically desirable, but he is a doctor now.
Ally Darling: I don’t care. I hate Miami. I think too much sun makes people stupid.
Colin Shea: Okay. Uh…how do you feel about Denver. I found the mountain man, and that guy has got a caboose worth relocating for.
Ally Darling: Pass! He always wanted to breath fresh air. Do you know how exhausting it was to pretend to enjoy the outdoors with that kind of enthusiasm?
Colin Shea: More exhausting than pretending to be British?
Ally Darling: I never had to wipe myself with a leaf when I was pretending to be British.
Colin Shea: Touché.
Colin Shea: What about Jerry Perry? He’s a puppeteer, so he’s single.
[she has flashback to when she first met Jerry and had sex with him with his puppet looking at them]
Ally Darling: I don’t wanna go out with Jerry Perry. Where is Jake Adams?
Colin Shea: Ouagadougou.
What? Where the hell is that?
Colin Shea: Africa. He runs his family philanthropic foundation and he’s overseeing the construction of a school there.
Colin Shea: If he was so perfect, why didn’t it work out in the first place?
Ally Darling: Well we made this pact that we would lose our virginity to each other, but Jake went abroad in junior year and while he was gone, I broke the pact.
Colin Shea: With who? Which one of the twenty could have possibly been better than Jake Adams? And why aren’t we looking for him?
Ally Darling: You already found him.
Colin Shea: Jerry Perry? You lost your virginity to the puppeteer?
[Colin starts laughing]
Ally Darling: I know! I felt bad for him.
Colin Shea: Oh, Ally, I underestimated you. That’s amazing. That’s…that’s my new favorite thing about you.
[after Ally blurts out to her mom that Daisy has invited their father to her wedding]
Daisy Darling: You have to fix this.
Ally Darling: I’ll talk to her when I get back.
Daisy Darling: Where are you going?
Ally Darling: Miami, for a Pap smear.
Daisy Darling: Why?
Ally Darling: Do you remember Barrett Ingold?
Daisy Darling: The guy who threw up in our dishwasher?
Ally Darling: Yeah, he’s a gynecologist now.
Daisy Darling: But you hate Miami.
Ally Darling: I know, but I’m not having as much luck as I’d hope locally and I’m running out of time, money and viable eggs.
Daisy Darling: So, you’re telling me that tracking down your ex-boyfriends is more important than helping me plan my wedding?
Ally Darling: I know it sounds stupid to you, but it is important. I feel like everyone else is moving on with their lives but me.
Daisy Darling: Ally, I’m all for moving on, I really am, but it just feels like this quest you’re on is a little nuts.
Ally Darling: You know what? If you hadn’t given your ex-boyfriend a second chance, you wouldn’t even be having a wedding! Besides, I need a Pap smear and he takes my insurance.
[she turns to leave]
Ally Darling: I’m late for my spray tan!
[as Ally is gets ready for her Pap smear, Barrett walks into the room]
Dr. Barrett Ingold: Hello, Alison.
Ally Darling: Barrett? Oh, my God! Is that you?
[Barrett looks blankly at Ally, not recognizing her]
Dr. Barrett Ingold: Hi.
Ally Darling: It’s Ally. Ally Darling.
Dr. Barrett Ingold: Oh, yeah. From spinning.
Ally Darling: No!
Dr. Barrett Ingold: From…oh! Greg’s Birthday party.
Ally Darling: We went to college together.
[Barrett looks at her blankly again]
Ally Darling: We dated.
Dr. Barrett Ingold: Oh! How about that? Well, that was a long time ago. So let’s see how things are going now. Can you scooch?
[he puts her legs up and starts examining her and suddenly he remembers her]
Dr. Barrett Ingold: Ally! Of course.
[back at her apartment building after returning back from visiting Barrett in Miami]
Ally Darling: He recognized my vagina! What’s going on down there? I gotta say, I’m a little freaked out.
Colin Shea: Well, I’d be happy to take a look for you.
Ally Darling: Oh, I used all my miles for that! Cross Barrett off the list. You know what? Cross the list off the list! What am I doing? Unemployed! Spending every last dime trying to track down these assholes who already broke up with me once. Maybe I should just quit.
Colin Shea: Well that’s too bad, cause I found Tom Piper.
Ally Darling: Keep talking.
Colin Shea: He’s in D.C., like you said, he’s working as an aid for Senator Mitchell.
Ally Darling: I don’t have anything that a politicians wife would wear.
[she thinks for a moment]
Ally Darling: Ooh! I do have a store credit for Ann Taylor. Huh!
[as Ally returns to her apartment she sees Colin sat naked, with only his guitar covering him, next to Daisy on the couch]
Ally Darling: Jesus! Tell me you’re not naked on my couch next to my sister.
[Colin moves his guitar up from his lap to reveal that he’s wearing boxer shorts]
Daisy Darling: Thankfully he doesn’t like to play without his underwear. The guitar gets cold against his penis.
Ally Darling: So, you two have met. Hey, remember Tom Piper? Colin found him in D.C., so I’m going there tomorrow…wearing this!
[she takes out a grey suit from her shopping bag]
Ally Darling: I’m so excited!
Colin Shea: Then why would you wear a pant suit?
Daisy Darling: Don’t you have your interview at Chefield and Bloom tomorrow?
Ally Darling: That’s the beauty of a pant suit! You know? It works for both a super boring interview and for an accidental-on-purpose encounter with my future husband.
Colin Shea: Hey, did you ever try and sell those freaky little sculptures you make?
Daisy Darling: No, she needs a real job.
Ally Darling: Oh, yeah. Those are just a hobby.
Colin Shea: I think they’re amazing. You should try, not everyone can do that, you know.
Daisy Darling: Excuse me, would you mind giving me and Ally a little bit of privacy please.
Ally Darling: She has to poo.
Daisy Darling: Ally!
Ally Darling: Hey, hasn’t your lady friend left yet?
Colin Shea: Uh, no. I guess this one’s a late sleeper.
Daisy Darling: Wait, are you…is he hiding out here because there’s a woman in his apartment?
Colin Shea: He is.
Daisy Darling: That’s it. I’m going to Anthony’s Bakery. Excuse me.
Colin Shea: You wanna grab me a cannoli?
[Daisy gets up and walks out of the apartment]
Colin Shea: No?
[after Ally gets rid of one Colin’s one night stands]
Ally Darling: Hey, wouldn’t it be easier if you just spent the night at their apartment and left in the morning like a normal guy?
Colin Shea: No. I once stayed in a relationship with a girl because of a picture she had on her bedside table. It was her, dressed as Cinderella on her fifth Birthday.
[pointing to the pillow by his bed]
Colin Shea: Grab that.
Ally Darling: So?
Colin Shea: So, every time I tried to split with her, I’d picture that little girl in the blue dress, happy, excited about Monty, her new gerbil, who she would later kill by accidently putting him in the drier. I just couldn’t break that little girl’s heart.
Ally Darling: So you’re saying it’s easier to sleep with girls and never call them again if you don’t know anything about them? Kind of like a serial killer.
Colin Shea: Yeah, I guess so.
[as Ally is about to find Tom Piper in Washington she bumps into Donald]
Ally Darling: Donald!
Disgusting Donald: Ally! What are you doing here?
Ally Darling: Visiting my fiancée.
Disgusting Donald: Your fiancée who…who was at the North Pole?
Ally Darling: Yep. He’s back. Pierre is back.
Disgusting Donald: [sarcastically] Wow! Pierre just happens to be in Washington D.C. at the same time that I have a conference?
Ally Darling: Yep. He is meeting with the President.
Disgusting Donald: Ooh, what a coincidence?
Ally Darling: I know! It’s crazy, isn’t it?
Disgusting Donald: Yep, it is. It’s exactly what it is. Okay.
[he turns and walks off]
[talking to Colin on the phone in her hotel room after meeting Tom Piper]
Ally Darling: Oh, my God! He’s taking me to this party tonight. I offered to stay at the Best Western, but he insisted on putting me up at the Omni!
Colin Shea: He dropped you off at the hotel and didn’t come up for ‘it’s good to see you sex’? What did you do to turn him off?
Ally Darling: Nothing. He’s a gentleman.
Colin Shea: You wore that pant suit, didn’t you?
Ally Darling: That pant suit is sexy. It’s very Katharine Hepburn.
Colin Shea: Alright, let’s clear something up right now. Katharine Hepburn was not sexy. Audrey Hepburn was sexy. Katharine Hepburn was a dude.
Ally Darling: Well, Tom is just a good guy. Besides, you wouldn’t know a gentleman if he tiptoed up behind you and tickled your balls.
[someone knocks on her door and she answers it as she’s talking to Colin to find a hotel staff delivering a box to her]
Ally Darling: Oh! I just got a present! Oh! He just sent over the most beautiful dress I’ve ever seen! I feel like Cinderella!
Colin Shea: Be careful. If you’re not home by midnight, it might turn into a pant suit.
[as Ally walks towards him, walking awkwardly as the dress she’s wearing is too tight]
Tom Piper: Wow! Look at you.
Ally Darling: You don’t…you don’t think it’s a little small?
Tom Piper: I’m sorry. It was hard to tell what was going on underneath the pant suit. Uh…perfect. You ready?
Ally Darling: Okay.
Tom Piper: I can’t believe Senator Phillips and his wife were talking to us for like fifteen minutes!
Ally Darling: I know!
Tom Piper: He didn’t even know my name before tonight, now he wants to hear my ideas about the tobacco reform bill.
Ally Darling: And she wants to take me out to lunch! Some place with popovers!
Tom Piper: We make a great team. With you by my side, we could own this town.
Ally Darling: We could totally own it.
Tom Piper: I mean it, Ally. I have my eyes on a senate seat and then the presidency. Now if tonight is an indication, I think together we could go all the way.
Ally Darling: Oh, let’s do it!
Tom Piper: So we’re doing it?
Ally Darling: Yeah! What are we doing?
Tom Piper: We’re getting married!
Ally Darling: Oh!
Tom Piper: Yeah!
Ally Darling: Well, maybe we should kiss first and see how that goes.
Tom Piper: Kiss? No, Ally…no! I want you to be my beard. I’m gay.
Ally Darling: What?
Tom Piper: I’m gay, like, super gay. Like one down here, one here, one here, one here gay. I thought you knew that. America’s ready for a black president, not ready for a gay black president. And we have history. Ally, I mean, I wouldn’t have known I was gay if I hadn’t dated you. So what do you say?
Ally Darling: Can I get back to you?
[Ally returns home dejected, and finds Colin in her apartment]
Ally Darling: What are you doing here? I’m not depressed enough to sleep with you.
Colin Shea: Close your eyes.
Ally Darling: That won’t help.
[Ally closes her eyes]
Colin Shea: And open them.
[he surprises her with some lit displays for her sculptures that he has set up]
Colin Shea: What do you think?
[Ally looks speechless]
Colin Shea: My wiring is a little spotty, every time these go on, your bathroom light burns out, but I think it’s worth it.
Ally Darling: What did you do?
Colin Shea: I think it really brings out the detail, you know?
[referring to one of her sculptures]
Colin Shea: I never noticed Louis’ gold tooth before. I named him Louis by the way.
Ally Darling: I can’t believe it. This is amazing.
Colin Shea: Yeah, well, you sounded depressed on the phone, so. You hungry?
Ally Darling: I’m starving.
Colin Shea: So I got good news. I found Julie from college, she is a man now and she’s single. She’s cute. Looks like Ralph Macchio.
Ally Darling: You know what? Even if he were straight, it wouldn’t have worked anyway. You gotta be a lady to be the first lady, and I ain’t no lady.
Colin Shea: You’re a lady. You’re lots of lady. You’re once, twice, twenty times a lady.
[Colin then starts playing and singing her a song on his guitar and she starts dancing to it]
[after dancing to Colin’s song]
Ally Darling: Wow! Oh, shit! I need to lie down or throw up.
Colin Shea: You okay?
Ally Darling: Yeah. No. I have to go to my sister’s wedding alone.
Colin Shea: I’ll go with you.
Ally Darling: You’d do that?
Colin Shea: Yeah. Why not?
Ally Darling: Well, thanks. I really appreciate that. I still think I’m gonna throw up.
Colin Shea: Let’s get some air.
[after they enter Madison Square Garden]
Colin Shea: Ever played a horse in the garden?
Ally Darling: No.
[she takes the basketball and shoots it straight in the net]
Ally Darling: But I have played horse.
Colin Shea: Okay. Okay.
[he shoots the basketball and misses the net]
Ally Darling: Oh, no! H for you my friend.
[Colin sits and starts taking his shoes off]
Ally Darling: What are doing?
Colin Shea: We’re playing strip horse. Is there another kind?
Ally Darling: There’s the kind where you keep your clothes on.
Colin Shea: What’s fun about that? Alright, H.
Ally Darling: Backboard.
[they start shooting hoops, Ally shoots the ball in the net every time but Colin keeps missing and strips down to his shorts, Ally then finally misses and has to take off her dress]
Ally Darling: This is not fair. I miss one shot and then I’m almost totally naked.
Colin Shea: Well, that’s the game.
Ally Darling: Well, the game’s changing. It’s now one on one.
[as they start playing, the security guard enters and they make a run for it leaving her red dress on the basketball net]
[after leaving Madison Square Garden]
Colin Shea: I think that dress is gonna look good on him.
Ally Darling: It’s a good thing you can play the guitar, because you suck at basketball.
Colin Shea: Well, you can’t be good at everything. It just wouldn’t be fair.
Ally Darling: And I can’t believe that you can play Lionel Richie!
Colin Shea: I can play a lot of things.
Ally Darling: So, how come you don’t make a living at it? You’re really good.
Colin Shea: Uh…I wanna play my own music.
Ally Darling: Don’t you worry about paying the rent? I don’t love marketing, but…
Colin Shea: What do you love?
Ally Darling: I love making those freaky little sculptures, but I’m not gonna make any money at that.
Colin Shea: How do you know? You’ve never tried.
Ally Darling: I’ve never jumped into the harbor either. It doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea.
Colin Shea: I think it’s a great idea. I think it’s the best idea you’ve ever had.
Ally Darling: No!
Colin Shea: Yes.
Ally Darling: No!
Colin Shea: Yes.
Ally Darling: No!
Colin Shea: Yes! We are gonna jump in the harbor!
[Colin start taking his clothes off and running towards the edge of the harbor]
Ally Darling: No. No. No. No! God! No!
Colin Shea: Let’s do it!
[they both get naked, hold hands and jump into the water]
Ally Darling: Holy fuck! This is fucking cold!
Colin Shea: This is the worst idea you’ve ever had!
[returning to her apartment after their naked swim in the harbor]
Ally Darling: I can’t believe you finally got me naked.
Colin Shea: Well, my shirt does look good on you.
Ally Darling: Good, cause I’m keeping it.
Colin Shea: No, you’re not. I can’t afford to lose anymore shirts. Women are always stealing my shirts.
Ally Darling: Women aren’t always stealing your shirts. They’re borrowing them, fully intending to give them back, but you never call.
Colin Shea: So you’re saying, if I had fewer one night stands, I’ll have more shirts.
Ally Darling: I think so.
[he comes up close to her]
Colin Shea: Well then that settles it. I’m changing my ways.
[he starts unbuttoning the shirt she’s wearing]
Colin Shea: And I’m not gonna lose anymore shirts.
Ally Darling: Really?
Colin Shea: Really. In fact, I think I’m gonna take this one back right now.
Ally Darling: Good for you.
[suddenly they grab each other and start kissing]
[as they start making out on her bed]
Ally Darling: I have to slow down.
Colin Shea: Okay. Okay, that’s fine.
Colin Shea: What if I just put it in a little bit. It won’t even count.
Ally Darling: Eileen says it counts.
Colin Shea: What about, like that much?
[he holds out his hands to indicate a length]
Colin Shea: That’s nothing. You won’t even feel it. I understand, that’s fine. But I am gonna keep kissing you.
[Ally wakes up to find Colin sleeping next to her, as she reaches for her brush on the bedside table Colin opens his eyes]
Colin Shea: Hi.
Ally Darling: Hi.
Colin Shea: You look so beautiful in the morning.
Ally Darling: I do?
Colin Shea: Yeah.
Eileen: We wanna hear about D.C. Did you go to the Holocaust Museum.
Ally Darling: No, but that would have been more fun.
Daisy Darling: So there were no sparks with Tom?
Katie: Tom? What happened to Jake? I thought you were looking for Jake.
Ally Darling: Jake’s in Africa and Tom’s gay, but it’s okay, because Colin is gonna be my date for the wedding.
Eileen: Is that the guy who answered your cell phone and got mad at me for waking him up at two o’clock in the afternoon?
Ally Darling: Yeah. I took his phone by mistake.
Daisy Darling: You invited Colin, your rapey neighbor?
Ally Darling: Do we call him that?
Katie: Just behind your back.
Ally Darling: Okay, well, let’s stop. Because he’s actually a pretty good guy.
Daisy Darling: Oh, Ally.
Ally Darling: What?
Daisy Darling: You slept with him.
Katie: Oh, no!
Ally Darling: I did not. I didn’t!
Eileen: Good. Don’t. Because he’s not the kind of guy you end up with. He’s the kind of guy you date before the guy you end up with.
Ally Darling: How do you know? You haven’t even met him.
Eileen: I don’t have to meet him. I’ve had sex with him, except his name is Doug, and he’s a fucking liar!
Daisy Darling: Well, I have met him, and he’s dangerously sexy. And if he wanted to come in through the back door, you’d let him.
Katie: Don’t let him, Ally.
Ally Darling: You guys don’t need to worry. I’m not gonna let him in any door. He’s just a friend who’s doing me a favor.
[after Ally finds that Colin had found Jake from the text messages on his phone]
Ally Darling: Hey, so, just out of curiosity. Did you ever hear anything from Jake?
Colin Shea: Nope.
Ally Darling: Really? Not a phone call? Nothing?
Colin Shea: Nope.
Ally Darling: Okay. Well, uh…I’m kind of busy right now, so I guess I’ll just see you later.
[she drops his phone onto his lap]
Colin Shea: Shit. Ally, wait! Wait. Wait.
Ally Darling: Just go. I don’t wanna hear anymore lies.
Colin Shea: Alright. Yes, Jake is back in town and I do have his number, but I didn’t think that mattered now.
Ally Darling: Would you please just go.
Colin Shea: What about last night?
Ally Darling: I think we should just forget about last night.
Colin Shea: Because of Jake?
Ally Darling: No. Because you’re not the kind of guy I’m supposed to end up with.
Colin Shea: What kind of guy am I, Ally?
Ally Darling: You’re the kind of guy you date before you meet the guy you end up with, and I’ve already dated twenty of you.
Colin Shea: So you’re gonna try and make it work with Jake, a guy you haven’t seen in years, just so you don’t go over the number twenty?
Ally Darling: It’s not just about the number anymore, okay?
Colin Shea: Well then, what it is?
Ally Darling: It’s what I want!
Colin Shea: You don’t know what you want, Ally! You’re so busy trying to be what everyone else wants you to be, you don’t know who you are.
Ally Darling: At least I have relationships! You can’t even hang out with a woman for twenty four hours without sleeping with her!
Colin Shea: That was true until I met you!
Ally Darling: Well, I’m sure that if we had slept together, you’d be long gone by now. Because that’s who you are, Colin, and that’s who you’ll always be.
Colin Shea: Alright. Whatever you say, Ally. You obviously have it all figured out.
[he leaves her apartment and walks over to his own, just as he’s about to go into his apartment]
Ally Darling: And I do know who I am! I’m someone who’s not gonna let another undeserving asshole into my heart! Or my vagina!
[leaving a voice message for Jake Adams]
Ally Darling: Hi, Jake Adams. It’s Ally! Ally Darling, from high school. Go Vikings! Um…I came across your number, and, uh…and I thought, wow! I should really call Jake, and leave him a long rambling message on his voice mail. Um…anyway, if you’re feeling up to it, uh…you can give me a call anytime. Um…my number is 61755…
[she suddenly hiccups]
Ally Darling: Oh, my God! I just hiccupped. I’m sorry. Uh…61755…
[she hiccups again]
Ally Darling: Alright, okay. Um…my number is 6175550192, okay. Bye.
[she hangs up and hiccups again; to herself]
Ally Darling: Well, who doesn’t call that girl back?
[Ally is in wedding dress shop with her sister, talking about Jake Adams after her date with him]
Ally Darling: Did I tell you that he speaks four different languages? But he’s so not obnoxious about it. And he’s still so God damn handsome and he smells so fucking good, it’s crazy! He’s taking me to a gala at The Institute of Contemporary Art, and then I think we’re gonna go…
[Daisy comes out of the changing room with her new wedding dress on]
Ally Darling: Woh! That’s not your dress.
Daisy Darling: Yeah. Yeah, I know. I just, um…yeah, I just like this one better. Cause there’s just…you know, it’s more comfortable, there’s just more room to eat and to move and to dance.
Ally Darling: Okay.
Daisy Darling: I couldn’t breathe in my other dress. A bride should be able to breath in her own fucking dress! I’m sorry. I just am feeling really stressed out right now, because I don’t know how I’m gonna convince mom to come to my wedding, because our dad is bringing our new mommy and she’s not…
[as Daisy starts to break down]
Ally Darling: Stop. I will go with you to talk to mom, and you don’t even have to trick me. Okay? Now, are you sure you can breathe in this dress?
[Daisy nods her head]
Ally Darling: Okay, then do that.
[as Ally and Daisy visit their mom to tell her about their dad coming to the wedding]
Ava Darling: I don’t believe you. When were you planning to tell me about all this?
Ally Darling: Uh…Now.
Daisy Darling: That’s why we’re here, mom.
Ava Darling: I have to read about it in a magazine! You and Jake Adams! Are you an item?
Ally Darling: Yes.
[Ally’s mom squeals]
Ally Darling: Did you just squeal, mom?
Ava Darling: Well, I don’t know. I’m out of my body right now. Is it serious?
Ally Darling: It could be, but we’re taking it slow.
Ava Darling: Do you really have that luxury?
Ally Darling: I wanna make sure that it’s right.
Ava Darling: Oh, it doesn’t get anymore right than Jake Adams. This is your life, Ally. Don’t get creative. Oh, when I saw you two in that magazine, I went and found some old photographs. Just look at this!
[she brings them a photo of Jake and Ally taken when they were young]
Ava Darling: I knew he was the one. Tell me, Ally, is he going to be your date to the wedding?
Daisy Darling: Is he, Ally?
[Ally pauses for a moment before replying]
Ally Darling: Yes!
[as Ally leaves her apartment to go to Daisy’s wedding, Colin steps out of his apartment at the same time dressed nicely]
Ally Darling: Fancy meeting you here, dressed all fancy. Where are you off to?
Colin Shea: Uh…a wedding. You too, right? Today is, uh…Daisy’s big day.
Ally Darling: Yeah. Wow. You’re going to a wedding too? That’s weird. Who’s wedding?
Colin Shea: Uh…nobody you know.
[Colin turns and starts walking down the stairs]
Ally Darling: Oh. Is it like a date, or something? Are you seeing somebody?
Colin Shea: Don’t worry about it, Ally.
[Ally looks upset as Colin just keeps on walking down the stairs]
Ally Darling: Don’t drink too much champagne!
[dancing with her dad at Daisy’s wedding]
Mr. Darling: You’re mom only wants what’s best for you, you know.
Ally Darling: I know.
Mr. Darling: Unfortunately she thinks what’s best for you is being exactly like her, only you’re not, Ally. You may have her looks, but you have my rhythm, kid. I’m afraid it’s a little off beat.
Ally Darling: I guess that explains why she’s always disappointed in me.
Mr. Darling: I think it’s hard for her to look at you and see so much of me.
Ally Darling: I think the last time we slow danced was prom night.
Jake Adams: Yeah. Yeah, it was. I remember that. I believe that was also the night where you finally gave me the honor of making you unfit for every other man in the village.
Ally Darling: Oh, boy. I… I know this isn’t the ideal place to tell you, but I wanna be honest. You weren’t my first.
Jake Adams: I wasn’t?
Ally Darling: No. I’m sorry.
Jake Adams: So, you’ve been with two guys in your life. Big deal.
Ally Darling: More like, two times ten.
[thinking she’s joking, Jake starts laughing]
Jake Adams: Right! Like you’ve had sex with twenty guys! Yuck!
Ally Darling: Gross!
Jake Adams: Alright, you know, I may not have been your first, but maybe I’ll be your last.
Ally Darling: Why? Are you gonna rape and kill me?
Jake Adams: No. But I’m gonna kiss you.
[Jake kisses her but Ally doesn’t look that into it and keeps her eyes open]
[Ally gives her wedding speech]
Ally Darling: When Daisy and Eddie first got together, I have to admit, I was a little bit nervous. I could tell that it was serious, and I thought that the closer she got to him, the further away she’d get from me. But that didn’t happen. Not only do I see more of Daisy, I see a happier, even better Daisy. It’s like with Eddie, she’s completely herself. When you’re a big sister, it’s your job to teach your little sister everything. You know, how to ride a bike, how to lie to your parents, how to kiss. Not with tongues. Settle down, uncle Charlie. But, I never thought about what my little sister could teach me until right now. So I wanna thank you, Daisy. Thank you, for teaching me that being in love means being yourself. To Daisy and Eddie!
[after her wedding speech]
Ally Darling: Jake, there actually is something here in Boston that’s really important to me. And as much as I wanna travel the world, I’m not sure I wanna do it with you. Which is insane, I know, because you’re perfect. But you’re not perfect for me, and I don’t think I’m perfect for you. I’m so sorry, Jake. If I had been honest with myself earlier, or ever, I wouldn’t have put you through all this.
[Jake looks angry]
Jake Adams: Yeah, well, that would have been preferable. Right, I don’t think I’m gonna stick around for the cake. Excuse me.
[he walks out of the room]
Ally Darling: It’s really good.
[after Ava sees Jake leaving the wedding]
Ava Darling: Why are you doing this? We were finally happy!
Ally Darling: No! You were finally happy. I don’t wanna marry Jake Adams! That’s not who I am. I’m a jobless whore who slept with twenty guys!
Ava Darling: Shh!
Ally Darling: And I wanna be with somebody who appreciates that about me. You may not understand me, mom, but you don’t have to. All you have to do is love me. I know that I’m not perfect, but that’s why you have Daisy.
Daisy Darling: My dress is too tight because I’m four months pregnant.
Ally Darling: What?
[she hugs Daisy]
Ally Darling: You’re pregnant?
Daisy Darling: Yes. Now get out of here.
[after Ally heads out to find the wedding that Colin is at, she finally finds him playing at a ritzy wedding, she goes on stage, interrupts his performance, and takes him to a quiet corner]
Colin Shea: What are you doing here, Ally?
Ally Darling: I have a speech that I wanna make to you, but I was afraid that I was gonna forget it. So I figured it’ll be easier to drive, bike and run across town in my high heels so I could tell you right now.
Colin Shea: What’s the speech?
Ally Darling: Um…well. The gist of it was, I’m sorry.
Colin Shea: That’s it?
Ally Darling: No, wait. There’s more. I…um, I’m happiest when I’m being myself, and myself when I’m with you. That was it. I guess, I was just so afraid that you were another asshole that I became the biggest asshole of all.
Colin Shea: You weren’t an asshole, I was an asshole. I should have given you Jake’s number, I just, I didn’t think I could compete with that.
Ally Darling: There’s no contest. You’re the most decent guy I’ve ever met. I think I love you, twenty one.
Colin Shea: I love you too. Three hundred and…
[she quickly stops him by putting her hand over his mouth]
Ally Darling: No.
[she laughs and they kiss]
[last lines, Ally and Colin are lying in bed, making out, when her phone rings and it goes to voice mail]
Jay: Hey, Kelly! Kelly with an I. What’s up? It’s Jay, from Club Med Turkoise. I got a weird message from your assistant, and I just wanted to let you know, um…we never had sex. Uh…you did this awkward striptease, involving maracas, and then gave me a shitty hand job. It was something you like to do called, dry style. You vomited in my suitcase, and then you passed out in the shower. So, uh…yeah, we never slept together.
[Ally and Colin laugh and Ally starts jumping on the bed]
Ally Darling: You’re number twenty! I’m still at twenty! I can’t believe it! You are number twenty! Yes!
Total Quotes: 85
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