21 Jump Street Movie Quotes

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Jenko: What kind of bullshit do they say about a cov…coviolent bond in this school?
Zach: They say it’s uh…when two atoms share both their electrons, it um…helps them to stick together. I…I could help you out, if you want, to tutor you for the test.
[referring to the little notes with phone numbers on them]
Jenko: What are you doing with all those phones anyway?
Zach: Uh…I crack and jailbreak kids phones, uh…trying to save for college. You know I switch their wireless carriers, get them restricted apps.
Jenko: Can you listen into phone calls and stuff?
Zach: No. No, I can’t…I can’t install a spyware to remotely monitor calls or anything that the mic picks up. I can’t do that at all.
[Zack smiles while he’s saying all this]
Jenko: What, you can’t do it?
[Zack smiles again]
Zach: No, I can’t.
[Jenko turns to Zack’s friends]
Jenko: Is he being sarcastic?
Delroy: I don’t know.
Jenko: So you can?
[Zack nods his head]


Schmidt: Liking comic books is popular, environmental awareness, being tolerant. If I was just born ten years later, I would have been the coolest person ever.
Jenko: I know. It’s bullshit. You know what? I totally know the cause. Glee. Fuck you Glee!
Schmidt: Man, I gotta say it. This is kind of awesome. I might become popular. I…I might be in with the popular kids. If I could do something wildly irresponsible to earn their trust.
Jenko: You saying we should throw a party?
Schmidt: I’ll invite Molly, and then Molly will invite Eric. And that would be the quickest way for me to bro down with them.
Jenko: Wouldn’t it be better if we both infiltrated the cool kids group?
Schmidt: I think it would be better if you get in with the nerdy kids and see what’s going on over there. That would be the best thing for the case.
Jenko: I guess that makes sense.


[Schmidt makes a call to Molly]
Schmidt: Hey, is this uh…is this Molly?
Molly Tracey: Speaking.
Schmidt: Hey! It’s uh…it’s Schmidt.
[realizes he’s used his real name and quickly tries to cover it up]
Schmidt: Schmoug…uh…it’s Doug Schm…McQuade.
Molly Tracey: Oh! Hey, man! Uh…so weird that you’re calling me. I pretty much text, except for when a random old relative calls.
Schmidt: I’m just calling because we’re co-starring in this play together, and…
[just at that moment the phone beeps and Schmidt’s mom comes on the line]
Annie Schmidt: Hello? Hello?
Schmidt: [shouting] Mom! Get off the phone!
Annie Schmidt: Oh, sorry! Hi, Doug. My teen son.
Schmidt: [shouting] Mom!
Annie Schmidt: I love you, honey. Dougy. Doug…Douglas McQuade.
Schmidt: [shouting] Mom! Shush! Stop!


[after Schmidt’s mom gets off the line]
Schmidt: Sorry. My mom’s such a dick. She’s just like, smothers me with affection. It makes me feel like I’m five years old.
Molly Tracey: Wow! You’re a…a sharer. I dig that. Well, I’m eighteen years old and my mom still packs my lunch for me everyday.
Schmidt: There was this one month where she bought me forty three stuffed animals. The doctor thought I was gonna spontaneously grow a vagina. I didn’t though, just to be clear.
[Molly laughs]
Molly Tracey: Yeah, because you already had one.
Schmidt: Exactly. I already had a… And you don’t need two vagina’s. You just don’t.
Molly Tracey: Although, you could use one as a coin purse.
[Schmidt laughs]
Molly Tracey: I never got any stuffed animals growing up. Oh, wait! Actually, that’s not true. I did. My dad gave me a stuffed puppy the day he bailed on us.
[Schmidt goes quite not knowing what to say]
Molly Tracey: I’m just fucking with you.
Schmidt: That was a weird joke. I thought your dad had bailed on your family.
Molly Tracey: No, he did walk out on us though.
Schmidt: Oh.
Molly Tracey: He didn’t even leave me a stuffed puppy. Just broken dreams.


[Jenko walks into the room as Schmidt is on the phone to Molly and tries wrestling him]
Schmidt: Oh, man. I guess to that I would say, well, uh…that there are some good guys out there, and I wouldn’t let, you know, one experience take your uh…memory…
[as Jenko hits Schmidt, Molly hears Schmidt shout]
Schmidt: Oh, my God!
Molly Tracey: Are you getting choked up? I’m sorry of I made you upset.
Schmidt: No. It’s just, you know, I don’t like when guys are mean to girls.
Molly Tracey: Yeah. Well, thanks.
Schmidt: Normal transition here. Um…actually, I’m having a party next weekend. You should come. You and Eric and Juario or whatever.
Molly Tracey: Do you mind if I just put like a posting on facebook?
[Jenko starts hitting Schmidt with a pillow]
Schmidt: Okay! Yeah! Yeah! Um…I should…I should call you back. Well, alright. I’ll see you. I’ll see you. You’re a great person! Bye bye. Bye.
Molly Tracey: Bye.
[as Molly is about to end the call she hears Schmidt yell]
Schmidt: What the fuck are you doing?


[Schmidt and Jenko are in Dickson’s office]
Captain Dickson: Are you all throwin’ a party?
Jenko: What?
Captain Dickson: There’s rumors, in the Twittersphere. And if any of my officers are caught giving alcohol to minors, they’ll find themself in prison with a snorkel duct taped to their mouth, and me shittin’ down that snorkel!
Schmidt: That’s extremely vivid, thank you.


[as Schmidt and Jenko Schmidt and Jenko say goodbye to Schmidt’s parents]
Jenko: We love you! Enjoy the vineyard.
Annie Schmidt: Yeah, I can’t believe you guys did this for us. Bye!
[as his parents leave, Schmidt turns to Jenko]
Schmidt: We love you? Dude, why are you saying I love you to my mom?
Jenko: I’m in character, shut up.
Schmidt: That’s weird.
Jenko: I don’t know, dude. We’re kind of like brothers.


[as they get Schmidt’s parents house prepared for the party]
Schmidt: Wait. How are we gonna buy alcohol?
Jenko: I don’t have a fake ID.
[they both laugh and high five each other and buy a ton of alcohol]


Schmidt: How are we gonna get drugs for the party?
Jenko: Oh, no!
[they both laugh, then they break into evidence lockup at the police station]


[after breaking into evidence lockup]
Jenko: We got a pound of coke.
Schmidt: We just wanna show ’em a good time not ruin their fucking lives!
Jenko: Pound of marijuana?
Schmidt: Best party ever!
Jenko: Booyah!


[after Eric turns up to the party and Jenko steals his phone and gives it to the chem nerds to bug the phone]
Jenko: Okay, boys! Come on! We did it! We did it. We can do this. Let’s go! Let’s go as fast as you possibly can.
Zach: Taking out the SIM card. Taking out the SIM card.
Jenko: Come on. CSI the shit out of this thing.
[Jenko notices Zach is looking drunk]
Jenko: Are you drunk?
Zach: No!
Jenko: Have you even been drunk before?
Zach: No, but um…
[he grabs the bottle of alcohol from Delroy’s hand]
Jenko: Give me this!
Delroy: What?
Zach: Can we get some bitches up in here, cause it’s just boys right now.
Jenko: No! You can’t get any bitches up here!


[as a bunch of teenagers from another school crash his party]
Schmidt: Hey, big player. I don’t know who you are.
Scott: Don’t worry about who I am.


Schmidt: I’m worried about it.
Scott: Why?
Schmidt: Because you’re in my party right now, dude. This is my temple. This is where I come to find peace to all. You comin’ in here like an emotional bull in a china shop, metaphorically knockin’ over vases, messing with my crew. And I’m like, what, Scott? What, Scott? What? What? What? What, Scott?
Scott: It’s that kind of party?
Schmidt: Yeah, dude! As a matter of fact, it’s gettin’ hot in here, huh?
Scott: Oh, no. It’s gettin’ real.
Schmidt: Yeah, it’s like seven strangers livin’ in one house true story!
Scott: You want real world?
Schmidt: Yeah! Let’s do it, man. Come on!
Scott: Here’s real world.
[suddenly Scott punches Schmidt in the stomach, Jenko hears this and comes and joins the fight and him and Schmidt eventually win the fight]


[after Schmidt has won the fight with Scott, everybody at the party is cheers, suddenly everyone notices the Schmidt has been stabbed in the shoulder]
Schmidt: Oh, shit! When did I get stabbed?
[everyone just looks at him in shock]
Schmidt: That’s awesome!
[everyone at the party cheers and continues partying]


[after Schmidt’s parents return home and bust up the party, everybody runs away with Eric and Schmidt running in the same direction]
Eric Molson: Dude, that was so great! I swear, best party I’ve been to in years!
Schmidt: Dude, I’m doin’ crazy stuff like that, like all the time, man.
Eric Molson: I bet you are, dude. So angst right now!
Schmidt: Hey, man!
Eric Molson: Dude, I like you, man. How do you feel about making a little extra money?
Schmidt: Whatever it is, I’m in.
Eric Molson: Here’s the deal. I can’t sell all this shit on my own, but I only bring in people I like. Okay, you do good, maybe we bring you in on what we’re doing. I’ll introduce you to my hook up. How does that sound?
Schmidt: Cool with me.
Eric Molson: My, man!


[referring to the rude graffiti drawn on Schmidt’s baby photo’s at the party]
Annie Schmidt: ‘I love dick!’ You think that’s funny? ‘Wonder Years Douche’!
[she holds the photo in front of Schmidt and Jenko]
Annie Schmidt: What kind of a sick animal draws an ejaculating penis into an eight year olds mouth?!
Jenko: It could be, like airplane blowing up.
Annie Schmidt: You think I don’t know that’s a dick and balls! I know all about dick and balls! I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober, when he was really fucked up and a lot of fun! You know what? From now on you’re gonna do some chores. You’re gonna wash the laundry, you’re gonna fold it, you’re gonna do dishes, you’re gonna mow the lawn…


Jenko: Dude, I have a surprise for you. Last night at the party, I took Eric’s phone and I had Zack put this monitoring device in it. So we’re gonna get to hear every single thing that little prick is up to.
Schmidt: Dude, I don’t know if that was a good idea.
Jenko: What?
Schmidt: What of you’d gotten found out?
Jenko: But it worked. This like the smartest move I’ve ever pulled. So, I’m sorry. What are you gettin’ mad at me for?
Schmidt: I’m not getting mad at you. I’m glad. You have something to do.
Jenko: Good.


[as Schmidt gets more popular with Eric, pretending to be selling the drugs while in fact he’s been taking them to Capt. Dickson, he also gets more friendly with Molly, flirt texting each other]
Eric Molson: Are you texting Molly?
Schmidt: Uh…what? I don’t uh…Molly. Uh…maybe. Is that…?
Eric Molson: Woh! It’s cool, man. Come on! I’m not like, some like, fifties Letterman who pins a girl. I mean, yeah, we blow each other sometimes. But it’s not a thing. I just like, I don’t know. I don’t believe in possession, chowfeel.
Schmidt: Chowfeel? Chow definitely feel.


[while Schmidt is hanging out with the eco kids, Jenko is with the chem nerds and uses the mic on Eric’s cellphone to eavesdrop, Schmidt and Molly walk into the room where Eric’s phone is charging and Jenko overhears their conversation]
Schmidt: Are you uh…are you excited about the play?21-jump-street-10
Molly Tracey: Yes!
Schmidt: Yeah, you were just right in there with the statement.
Molly Tracey: Yes!
Schmidt: No hesitation.
Molly Tracey: I’m very excited.
Schmidt: Yeah.
Molly Tracey: Does that make me a super nerd?
Schmidt: No, not at all. We get to act together.
[as he’s listening into Schmidt and Molly’s conversation]
Jenko: What a vagina?! He has no chance with her.


Molly Tracey: You’re on the prom committee.
Schmidt: Mmhmm.
Molly Tracey: Do you think it’s gonna be fun?
[as Jenko and the nerds listen in on their conversation]
Jenko: Did she just bring up prom on her own?
Delroy: She did! She just brought up prom.
Jenko: What’s she doing?
[back to Schmidt and Molly]
Schmidt: I think it’s gonna be awesome.


Zach: Promy’s are dong.
Jenko: Alright, anyone who says they don’t care about prom, actually secretly does.
Delroy: Who’s gonna take us to the prom? There’s no one that wants to go to the prom with us.
Jenko: Come on! Picture it! You pull up in a white stallion of a limo, you got fine-ass honey’s with you, you dress to the nines with your best buds! Doves fly out behind you, slow motion.
Zach: Doves? Why doves? Cause doves make you look like a bad-ass, that’s why!


Molly Tracey: I am pretty skeptical, but maybe if someone asked me, I would go.
Schmidt: But are…isn’t…aren’t you and Eric… Wouldn’t you and Eric go together?
Molly Tracey: Not that I know of.
[Schmidt has a flashback to high school in 2005 when he asked a girl to the prom and got rejected]
Schmidt: Uh…would you…
[listening in to their conversation]
Jenko: He’s gonna choke. He always chokes. He’s gonna choke, wait for it.
[back to Schmidt and Molly]
Schmidt: So…would…so would…would you maybe…
[suddenly Schmidt starts to choke]
Molly Tracey: Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Schmidt: I am!
[Jenko laughs as he hears Schmidt choke]
Jenko: That is the actual sound of choking!
Schmidt: I was wondering if you uh…would you uh…maybe wanna go to uh…with me? To prom? Would you wanna go with me? Will you go with me to prom?
Molly Tracey: Yes. I would love to go to prom with you.
[listening in to them]
Zach: What? She said yes!
Delroy: Wow!
Jenko: Good for you, Doug. 


[after she’s accepted Schmidt’s invitation to go to the prom with him]
Molly Tracey: Thanks you for asking.
[she slowly comes towards him as if to kiss him, but suddenly Schmidt ruins the moment and holds out his hand instead]
Schmidt: Put it there, man! Just…put it right there!
Molly Tracey: I’m putting it…right here.
[she awkwardly shakes his hand]


[as the rest of the eco kids come inside and join Schmidt and Molly]
Lisa: Doug, okay, settle an argument. You and your brother aren’t related, right? Cause he looks totally different.
Schmidt: He’s adopted. We all suspect he’s from a very lame family.
[Jenko overhears this and looks upset]
Lisa: Where is he tonight?
Schmidt: Probably at home with those lame tools he hangs out with. You know how Tom Cruise is always pissed off at Rainman? That’s like my life, except Brad is really shitty at Math.
[the eco kids laugh and Jenko with his chem nerd friends overhear this]
Zach: Your brother’s kind of a dick.
Jenko: Yeah, he kind of is, isn’t he?
Zach: Don’t listen to that.


[at 21 Jump Street, after finding out that their designer drug is spreading to other high schools]
Captain Dickson: You failed to stop the outbreak. And you have no leads! We are runnin’ out of time! You either find the supplier I’m a jump your asses off Jump Street!
Jenko: I totally understand where you’re coming from, sir. But look, I heard Eric talking on the phone yesterday with somebody that sounded very suspect about meeting up with the stuff in a piñata.
Captain Dickson: Is that a code for sex?


[as they leave Dickson’s office]
Schmidt: Piñata? Really?
Jenko: Yep. Remember that wire tap I put on Eric’s phone? Well, when you were having the time of your life last night, I was listening. I overheard a phone call between Eric and some dude about a piñata.
Schmidt: That’s all you heard?
Jenko: Yep.


[Jenko, wearing a KNO3 sweater, gets in front of the chemistry class to recite his poem on potassium nitrate]
Jenko: Potassium Nitrate. Don’t hate, it’s great. It can act as an oxidizer. I didn’t know that, but now I’m wiser. It has a crystalline structure. If you can’t respect that, you’re a butt-muncher. It’s a key ingredient in gun powder, KNO3. Don’t get no grief. It can be used to make corned beef. It’s also known as salt peter.
[just at that moment Jenko notices Eric leaving school and he excuses himself from class goes get Schmidt, who’s getting ready to go on stage as Peter Pan, and follow Eric]


[after following Eric and seeing he’s meeting up with the One Percenters gang and gave them a piñata full of drugs, as the One Percenters leave, Jenko and Schmidt duck their heads in the car]
Schmidt: What are you doing?
Jenko: If they see us, just pretend like you’re sucking my dick.
Schmidt: What? No!
Jenko: Yes! Stop!
Schmidt: You pretend like you’re sucking my dick!
Jenko: No, just pretend like you’re sucking my dick.
Schmidt: Why am I automatically blowing you?
Jenko: Cause you’re in a fucking Peter Pan costume!
Schmidt: Okay.


[after they accidently ram into the back of One Percenters, they chase Schmidt and Jenko who go on the run as they get stuck in traffic]
Jenko: What’s wrong with you? Run!
Schmidt: I can’t! I’m wearing tights!
Jenko: I got skinny jeans on! It’s the same fucking thing!


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Total Quotes: 116



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