30 Minutes or Less Quotes

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Chet: You know exactly how to rob a bank
Nick: What are you talking about?
Chet: Point Break, that movie’s a ‘how to guide’ for bank robberies. You just bust in, masks, guns, move fast, stick to the tellers and don’t bother with the vault.
Nick: Yeah, you’re right. I guess it is pretty simple. And it’s just a local bank too, it’s The Donner-Wells on Charles Road.
Chet: The one by the Olive Garden? That’s my bank! Small, standard security, totally manageable for one dude.
Nick: One dude? You mean you’re not gonna do it with me?
Chet: No, but I’m happy to five tips, advice, motivational speeches.
Nick: Oh, Chet! Please! Jesus Christ! I need you on this, okay? Okay? I can’t take this alone. If I do it alone I’m dead. Please!
Chet: Okay, just tell me this. How many times did you sleep with my sister?
Nick: Just once. I swear to God. Graduation night.
Chet: Okay, I’ll help you on one condition. You never mention my sister again and you never speak to my sister again.
Nick: Okay. Okay. Yes, we can do this.


[getting their robbery supply from a Family Dollar store]
Nick: Okay, here we are. Is the uh…handguns or the Uzis? What do you think?
[Chet picks one of the fake looking guns still in it’s plastic packaging]
Chet: These look to be real.
[he practices doing the robbery and hold the gun at at Nick and start shouting]
Chet: Get down on the groun…
Nick: Wait! Shhh!
[Chet quietens his voice]
Chet: Get down on the ground and give me the money in the bank!
Nick: Oh, how am I supposed to get the money if I’m on the ground?
Chet: Go get the money in the bank and then get down on the ground afterwards!
Nick: Alright, I’ll be right back.


[Dwayne and Travis are watching Nick and Chet parked in the parking lot of Family Dollar store and listening to a mixed tape]
Dwayne: Dude, you totally fucked up this mixed tape.
[Dwayne takes the tape out and tosses it at Travis in the passenger seat]
Dwayne: We’re not a bunch of Frat guys trying to finger bang girl to match-box twenty, alright? We’re trying to mastermind a heist here! It should be like some industrial shit, some fucking German techno.
Travis: Sorry Dwayne, that song means a lot to me.
Dwayne: Well, it doesn’t mean a lot to me. It means a fucking headache to me. I just want this guy to fucking hurry up.
Travis: Aren’t you worried about the other guy? The whole fucking mini genie.
Dwayne: No, man. He picked him up from a school. As long as he’s not a cop, I don’t give a shit. He can bring the whole fucking faculty for all I care, as long as he gets me my money.


[referring to the tanning salon he wants to set up]
Dwayne: You know I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I want you to start out at the front counter. I know it sounds like a demotion but it’s not, alright. It’s a very important job. We’re gonna be using a lot of code words and shit.
Travis: For what?
Dwayne: Well, say a gentleman walks in and says ‘Hello, good afternoon. I’d like a tan’. Well that just means that he wants a tan.
Travis: Okay.
Dwayne: But if a guy comes in and is like ‘Yoh, I want a deluxe tan.’ That means he wants a tan and a blow job. Which means you would have to go to the back grab…
Travis: And blow on him?!
Dwayne: No, you have to find a girl to suck him off.
Travis: Oh, okay.


[at the check out counter a register woman swipes their items]
Register Woman: Guns. Mask. You sure you all don’t wanna grab some condoms?
Nick: No. Why?
Register Woman: Because this is usually what men buy before they rape someone.
Chet: Oh, we’re not rapists! Us two, small fries? No way.30-minutes-or-less-7
[she gives them a cold unbelieving look]
Register Woman: Is it gonna be cash or credit for your rape kit?
[Chet put a box of hamburger slider kit on the counter]
Chet: Hey, is a slider station in a rape kit? Cause we’re gettin’ one of those too.
Nick: We’ll pay cash.
Chet: Not into rape, just into sliders.


Travis: That puts anal into the hard anal count?
Dwayne: No, the anal will tip it off too much.
Travis: Alright. What if a black guy comes, will he get a tanning glover?
Dwayne: No, we’re not going to profile racially our clients. We don’t say anything if it’s a black guy who comes in. If a dude comes in and wants a black chick, then yeah that would be a tanning glover.
Dwayne: What code’s for that? Do we have codes for missionary, for anal, for black chicks? I’ve a whole glossary of terms in my files back at home. But I’m not gonna go into that right now because you my friend are supposed to be on the look out and I know how terrible you are with multitasking.
[suddenly Travis sees Nick and Chet pulling out of their parking space and driving away]
Travis: Woh, they’re getting away, dude. He’s getting away.
Dwayne: Oh, shit!


[singing as he’s spray painting the fake guns]
Chet: Paint our guns. Paint our guns. Paint our guns for the bank robbery. Cause we’re goin’ with our plastic guns and the cops will shoot us in our face. Cause we’re goin’ with our plastic guns…
Nick: Look, can you please be more careful! You’re getting paint all over the car.
Chet: Really? You’re worried about getting paint in this car?
Nick: Yeah.
Chet: Your car is a total piece of shit.
Nick: Yoh, please!
Chet: No, your car is garbage. It’s like you bought a Mustang and the Mustang got aids, and you’re worried about paint in it?
Nick: Yeah.
Chet: Alright, fine.


[as Chet is about to spray paint the fake guns again]
Nick: And don’t turn that over, it’s still wet.
Chet: What? It’s fast drying.
Nick: Fast isn’t the same as instant, okay? You gotta let it sit for like twenty minutes.
Chet: Alright. We don’t have time to sit around and literally watch paint dry, okay? Aren’t we headed straight to the bank?
Nick: Alright, I was actually thinking we gotta stop and steal a car first.
Chet: What?! Why? We have a car!
Nick: Yeah, we have my car. Okay? I can’t use this as the getaway vehicle, they’ll trace plates. Even if we do get away we’ll be promptly arrested.
Chet: Well, how are we gonna steal a car? I don’t know how to hot wire a vehicle. Do you know how to hot wire a vehicle
Nick: Uh-uh. That’s why I was thinking we gotta stop and steal the one from your parents’ friends. The Fishers. Remember how they used to pay us to clean their garage? They leave the keys in there and they got a Datsun. That’s a fast car.


Chet: I’m not stealing the Fishers Datsun, okay? Let’s steal one of your parents’ friends cars.
Nick: Okay!
[suddenly Nick pulls over and stops the car]
Nick: What friends? What friends? My parents don’t have any. My dad moved away when your big mouth humiliated him and ruined his marriage and no one wants to hang out with a mom who everyone knew fucked a life guard.
Chet: You never should have told me! I was thirteen years old! I couldn’t process information like that. I thought it was cool your mom fucked a life guard. Fuck! I’m sorry.
Nick: Okay. I accept your apology.
Chet: That’s it? You don’t apologize for sleeping with my sister?
Nick: You told me not to mention it.
Chet: Right.


[after Fisher catches Nick and Chet in his garage]
Nick: Okay, now listen. Uh…we’re obviously stealing the car and I don’t want you to report it stolen until later tonight. Let’s say uh…uh…five o’clock or six to be safe.
Chet: Six fifteen!
Nick: Yeah, right! Six fifteen.
Chet: Don’t even bother calling the cops. We own the cops.
Nick: Good. Okay. And if you mess with us, I swear to God I will…I will shoot your son!
Chet: Dillon Fisher.
Nick: Yes! Dillon Fisher and I know where he works too. He works at the travel agency.
Chet: He’s a douchebag with the bangs.
Nick: That’s right.
Mr. Fisher: No, please! Don’t do that, I won’t…I won’t say a thing, I promise. Just…just leave Dillon alone.
Nick: Okay, good. But if you call the cops, there’s gonna be an undertaker styling his stupid fucking bangs.
Chet: Cause he’ll be dead!
Nick: That’s right! Cause he’ll dead! Now, open the fucking garage door
[Fisher presses the button that opens the garage door]
Chet: Do you have any snacks? Granola bars or yogurts?
Nick: Not now. Not now.
Chet: I’m hungry.
[to Fisher]
Nick: Okay, remember our deal. Six fifteen and not a minute early.
Mr. Fisher: Yeah!
[to Chet as he gets into the car]
Nick: Move over.
Mr. Fisher: Please, just go!
Nick: I’m driving.
[to Fisher as they drive off with his car]
Chet: Thanks! Have a great afternoon!


[after stealing Fishers’ car]
Chet: Man, I’m totally implicated! What if he saw my brown hands? There’s only like four Indians living in Grand Rapids.
Nick: I don’t know, the guys not the map locker. He’s Fishers, he’s a fucking CPA. I think you’ll be okay.
Chet: Awesome! Stuck inside and even smaller car with you and bomb. Next time why don’t we steal a Smart car?


[as they’re driving in the stolen car]
Nick: There’s actually something I want to do first.
Chet: Uh, get something to eat! Thank you. Let’s go to Western Burger.
Nick: Mmm…actually I wanna go tell my boss to fuck off.30-minutes-or-less-5
Chet: What? Are you joking? You wanna run a personal errand on a way to a bank robbery?!
Nick: You wanted to go to lunch!
Chet: Yeah! Because I’m hungry! I thought it would be nice to have one last burger before I’m incarcerated.
Nick: Chet, this is not a personal errand, alright? This is very important to me.
Chet: Oh, okay. And so this is your big moment, huh? Put in your two weeks notice at a pizza place?!
Nick: Yeah, man. Yeah, that’s pretty much it.
Chet: Whatever, now you’re just making me depressed. Let’s go. I’m gonna go take a piss there, that’s all.
Nick: Alright.


[after telling Chet he wants to speak to his boss, instead he parks his car at the pizza place and runs to meet with Kate]
Nick: Something happened to me last night. I was out on this run and uh…well I started thinking, what if this is the last shitty pizza I ever deliver.
Kate: I’d say it’s probably a good thing. Nick, I’m super busy right now. This is not the best time.
Nick: Okay, right now is kind of all I have.
Kate: Come back later and we’ll talk.
Nick: No, there isn’t time. Okay, can I tell you the single worst mistake of my life?
Kate: Okay.
Nick: It was sleeping with you.
Kate: Thanks!
Nick: No. No. You don’t understand. That…that’s when I knew for sure that I was in love with you. What I didn’t know is how the fuck to deal with it, so I…so I screwed it all up.
Kate: That was like, eight years ago.
Nick: I know. But I just want you to know that if today was the final day of my brief and uh… shitty existence and I could only see one more person, it would be you.
Kate: Nick.
Nick: I gotta go.
[as he’s about to leave]
Kate: Wait! Wait! Wait! You can’t just say all this and walk away!
Nick: Unfortunately I have to. Also I told Chet we had sex.
Kate: What the fuck?!


[talking to Dwayne on his cell phone after following Nick who’s talking to Kate on the roof of her apartment]
Travis: No, I don’t know. I think it’s his girlfriend or something. They’ve been up there for a while.
Dwayne: Bet you homeboy’s trying to get one last blow job in case he don’t make it. I like his style.


[leaving a voice message on for Juicy]
Dwayne: Yoh, Juicy. What’s happenin’? This is King Dwayne. I uh…have been thinking about you a lot and I don’t know, I just feel cool inside. I’m excited to get this money and me and you to kinda start our…our thing. I’ve been thinking a lot about the polishing the scepter deal. I know that’s not really for polishing the scepter, that you’re just sucking my dick, but uh…I just want you to know that it’s going to be mutual. You won’t just have to polish my scepter. I will also lick your crown, which is a euphemism for you know, eating your pussy. Okay, well give me a call when you get the chance. Okay, goodbye.


[outside the bank before they’re about to rob it]
Chet: I can’t believe we’re doing this.
Nick: Okay, you go for the money. I’ll cover the crowd. In and out.
Chet: I’m not feeling great, man. I drank like three of those five hour energy drinks and it’s too much energy! I’m like cramping up and all the energy in my arms are generating…
Nick: Dude! Settle down. You ready for this?
Chet: Yes.
Nick: Let’s do it. Come on.


Chet: What do I call there if I need to tell you something?
Nick: Uh…call me Tivon. You’ll be Darius.
Chet: I can tell you’re not a black guy through the mask.
Nick: Uh…right. You’re still Darius, I’m Luis.
Chet: What if we’re both Hispanic, like we met in a gang in prison?
Nick: I like that. I like that. We stabbed a prison guard and we escaped and now we’re on the run.
Chet: Yes! We’re two local motherfuckers and that’s how we gotta be when we role in there.


[as they are about to enter the bank]
Chet: Wait!
Nick: What?
Chet: I still don’t have my Hispanic name.
Nick: Oh, yeah. You’re Cruz.
Chet: That’s a great fucking name! Let’s do this!
[they put on their ski masks and open the bank door]


[as they’re holding up the bank]
Chet: Don’t make any sudden moves! Okay!
[one of the customers keeps his head up and looks at Chet]
Chet: Mustache, stop looking at my face! We just killed a prison guard and we’re not afraid to kill again!
[holding his fake gun at the security guard]
Nick: Yeah, we stabbed him in the eye with his spoon! Now very slowly, get down and take your gun out and toss it.
[the guard does what he says very slowly]
Nick: Come on! Quicker!
Security Guard: Alright.
[he takes out his gun, lays it on the ground and shoves it away, the gun slides right into the hands of a sobbing mom]
Mom: No! I…I don’t want this gun!
Nick: Did you do that on purpose?
Security Guard: No, it was an accident.
Chet: Are you guys working together? What’s going on here?
Mom: Please, take this gun away!
Nick: Just toss it, lady!
[she slides the gun away it slams hard against the wall and fires shooting a guy in the leg] 


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Total Quotes: 74



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