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Chet: You know exactly how to rob a bank
Nick: What are you talking about?
Chet: Point Break, that movie’s a ‘how to guide’ for bank robberies. You just bust in, masks, guns, move fast, stick to the tellers and don’t bother with the vault.
Nick: Yeah, you’re right. I guess it is pretty simple. And it’s just a local bank too, it’s The Donner-Wells on Charles Road.
Chet: The one by the Olive Garden? That’s my bank! Small, standard security, totally manageable for one dude.
Nick: One dude? You mean you’re not gonna do it with me?
Chet: No, but I’m happy to five tips, advice, motivational speeches.
Nick: Oh, Chet! Please! Jesus Christ! I need you on this, okay? Okay? I can’t take this alone. If I do it alone I’m dead. Please!
Chet: Okay, just tell me this. How many times did you sleep with my sister?
Nick: Just once. I swear to God. Graduation night.
Chet: Okay, I’ll help you on one condition. You never mention my sister again and you never speak to my sister again.
Nick: Okay. Okay. Yes, we can do this.
[getting their robbery supply from a Family Dollar store]
Nick: Okay, here we are. Is the uh…handguns or the Uzis? What do you think?
[Chet picks one of the fake looking guns still in it’s plastic packaging]
Chet: These look to be real.
[he practices doing the robbery and hold the gun at at Nick and start shouting]
Chet: Get down on the groun…
Nick: Wait! Shhh!
[Chet quietens his voice]
Chet: Get down on the ground and give me the money in the bank!
Nick: Oh, how am I supposed to get the money if I’m on the ground?
Chet: Go get the money in the bank and then get down on the ground afterwards!
Nick: Alright, I’ll be right back.
[Dwayne and Travis are watching Nick and Chet parked in the parking lot of Family Dollar store and listening to a mixed tape]
Dwayne: Dude, you totally fucked up this mixed tape.
[Dwayne takes the tape out and tosses it at Travis in the passenger seat]
Dwayne: We’re not a bunch of Frat guys trying to finger bang girl to match-box twenty, alright? We’re trying to mastermind a heist here! It should be like some industrial shit, some fucking German techno.
Travis: Sorry Dwayne, that song means a lot to me.
Dwayne: Well, it doesn’t mean a lot to me. It means a fucking headache to me. I just want this guy to fucking hurry up.
Travis: Aren’t you worried about the other guy? The whole fucking mini genie.
Dwayne: No, man. He picked him up from a school. As long as he’s not a cop, I don’t give a shit. He can bring the whole fucking faculty for all I care, as long as he gets me my money.
[referring to the tanning salon he wants to set up]
Dwayne: You know I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I want you to start out at the front counter. I know it sounds like a demotion but it’s not, alright. It’s a very important job. We’re gonna be using a lot of code words and shit.
Travis: For what?
Dwayne: Well, say a gentleman walks in and says ‘Hello, good afternoon. I’d like a tan’. Well that just means that he wants a tan.
Dwayne: But if a guy comes in and is like ‘Yoh, I want a deluxe tan.’ That means he wants a tan and a blow job. Which means you would have to go to the back grab…
Travis: And blow on him?!
Dwayne: No, you have to find a girl to suck him off.
Travis: Oh, okay.
[at the check out counter a register woman swipes their items]
Register Woman: Guns. Mask. You sure you all don’t wanna grab some condoms?
Nick: No. Why?
Register Woman: Because this is usually what men buy before they rape someone.
Chet: Oh, we’re not rapists! Us two, small fries? No way.
[she gives them a cold unbelieving look]
Register Woman: Is it gonna be cash or credit for your rape kit?
[Chet put a box of hamburger slider kit on the counter]
Chet: Hey, is a slider station in a rape kit? Cause we’re gettin’ one of those too.
Nick: We’ll pay cash.
Chet: Not into rape, just into sliders.
Travis: That puts anal into the hard anal count?
Dwayne: No, the anal will tip it off too much.
Travis: Alright. What if a black guy comes, will he get a tanning glover?
Dwayne: No, we’re not going to profile racially our clients. We don’t say anything if it’s a black guy who comes in. If a dude comes in and wants a black chick, then yeah that would be a tanning glover.
Dwayne: What code’s for that? Do we have codes for missionary, for anal, for black chicks? I’ve a whole glossary of terms in my files back at home. But I’m not gonna go into that right now because you my friend are supposed to be on the look out and I know how terrible you are with multitasking.
[suddenly Travis sees Nick and Chet pulling out of their parking space and driving away]
Travis: Woh, they’re getting away, dude. He’s getting away.
Dwayne: Oh, shit!
[singing as he’s spray painting the fake guns]
Chet: Paint our guns. Paint our guns. Paint our guns for the bank robbery. Cause we’re goin’ with our plastic guns and the cops will shoot us in our face. Cause we’re goin’ with our plastic guns…
Nick: Look, can you please be more careful! You’re getting paint all over the car.
Chet: Really? You’re worried about getting paint in this car?
Chet: Your car is a total piece of shit.
Nick: Yoh, please!
Chet: No, your car is garbage. It’s like you bought a Mustang and the Mustang got aids, and you’re worried about paint in it?
Chet: Alright, fine.
[as Chet is about to spray paint the fake guns again]
Nick: And don’t turn that over, it’s still wet.
Chet: What? It’s fast drying.
Nick: Fast isn’t the same as instant, okay? You gotta let it sit for like twenty minutes.
Chet: Alright. We don’t have time to sit around and literally watch paint dry, okay? Aren’t we headed straight to the bank?
Nick: Alright, I was actually thinking we gotta stop and steal a car first.
Chet: What?! Why? We have a car!
Nick: Yeah, we have my car. Okay? I can’t use this as the getaway vehicle, they’ll trace plates. Even if we do get away we’ll be promptly arrested.
Chet: Well, how are we gonna steal a car? I don’t know how to hot wire a vehicle. Do you know how to hot wire a vehicle
Nick: Uh-uh. That’s why I was thinking we gotta stop and steal the one from your parents’ friends. The Fishers. Remember how they used to pay us to clean their garage? They leave the keys in there and they got a Datsun. That’s a fast car.
Chet: I’m not stealing the Fishers Datsun, okay? Let’s steal one of your parents’ friends cars.
[suddenly Nick pulls over and stops the car]
Nick: What friends? What friends? My parents don’t have any. My dad moved away when your big mouth humiliated him and ruined his marriage and no one wants to hang out with a mom who everyone knew fucked a life guard.
Chet: You never should have told me! I was thirteen years old! I couldn’t process information like that. I thought it was cool your mom fucked a life guard. Fuck! I’m sorry.
Nick: Okay. I accept your apology.
Chet: That’s it? You don’t apologize for sleeping with my sister?
Nick: You told me not to mention it.
[after Fisher catches Nick and Chet in his garage]
Nick: Okay, now listen. Uh…we’re obviously stealing the car and I don’t want you to report it stolen until later tonight. Let’s say uh…uh…five o’clock or six to be safe.
Chet: Six fifteen!
Nick: Yeah, right! Six fifteen.
Chet: Don’t even bother calling the cops. We own the cops.
Nick: Good. Okay. And if you mess with us, I swear to God I will…I will shoot your son!
Chet: Dillon Fisher.
Nick: Yes! Dillon Fisher and I know where he works too. He works at the travel agency.
Chet: He’s a douchebag with the bangs.
Nick: That’s right.
Mr. Fisher: No, please! Don’t do that, I won’t…I won’t say a thing, I promise. Just…just leave Dillon alone.
Nick: Okay, good. But if you call the cops, there’s gonna be an undertaker styling his stupid fucking bangs.
Chet: Cause he’ll be dead!
Nick: That’s right! Cause he’ll dead! Now, open the fucking garage door
[Fisher presses the button that opens the garage door]
Chet: Do you have any snacks? Granola bars or yogurts?
Nick: Not now. Not now.
Chet: I’m hungry.
Nick: Okay, remember our deal. Six fifteen and not a minute early.
Mr. Fisher: Yeah!
[to Chet as he gets into the car]
Nick: Move over.
Mr. Fisher: Please, just go!
Nick: I’m driving.
[to Fisher as they drive off with his car]
Chet: Thanks! Have a great afternoon!
[after stealing Fishers’ car]
Chet: Man, I’m totally implicated! What if he saw my brown hands? There’s only like four Indians living in Grand Rapids.
Nick: I don’t know, the guys not the map locker. He’s Fishers, he’s a fucking CPA. I think you’ll be okay.
Chet: Awesome! Stuck inside and even smaller car with you and bomb. Next time why don’t we steal a Smart car?
[as they’re driving in the stolen car]
Nick: There’s actually something I want to do first.
Chet: Uh, get something to eat! Thank you. Let’s go to Western Burger.
Nick: Mmm…actually I wanna go tell my boss to fuck off.
Chet: What? Are you joking? You wanna run a personal errand on a way to a bank robbery?!
Nick: You wanted to go to lunch!
Chet: Yeah! Because I’m hungry! I thought it would be nice to have one last burger before I’m incarcerated.
Nick: Chet, this is not a personal errand, alright? This is very important to me.
Chet: Oh, okay. And so this is your big moment, huh? Put in your two weeks notice at a pizza place?!
Nick: Yeah, man. Yeah, that’s pretty much it.
Chet: Whatever, now you’re just making me depressed. Let’s go. I’m gonna go take a piss there, that’s all.
[after telling Chet he wants to speak to his boss, instead he parks his car at the pizza place and runs to meet with Kate]
Nick: Something happened to me last night. I was out on this run and uh…well I started thinking, what if this is the last shitty pizza I ever deliver.
Kate: I’d say it’s probably a good thing. Nick, I’m super busy right now. This is not the best time.
Nick: Okay, right now is kind of all I have.
Kate: Come back later and we’ll talk.
Nick: No, there isn’t time. Okay, can I tell you the single worst mistake of my life?
Nick: It was sleeping with you.
Nick: No. No. You don’t understand. That…that’s when I knew for sure that I was in love with you. What I didn’t know is how the fuck to deal with it, so I…so I screwed it all up.
Kate: That was like, eight years ago.
Nick: I know. But I just want you to know that if today was the final day of my brief and uh… shitty existence and I could only see one more person, it would be you.
Nick: I gotta go.
[as he’s about to leave]
Kate: Wait! Wait! Wait! You can’t just say all this and walk away!
Nick: Unfortunately I have to. Also I told Chet we had sex.
Kate: What the fuck?!
[talking to Dwayne on his cell phone after following Nick who’s talking to Kate on the roof of her apartment]
Travis: No, I don’t know. I think it’s his girlfriend or something. They’ve been up there for a while.
Dwayne: Bet you homeboy’s trying to get one last blow job in case he don’t make it. I like his style.
[leaving a voice message on for Juicy]
Dwayne: Yoh, Juicy. What’s happenin’? This is King Dwayne. I uh…have been thinking about you a lot and I don’t know, I just feel cool inside. I’m excited to get this money and me and you to kinda start our…our thing. I’ve been thinking a lot about the polishing the scepter deal. I know that’s not really for polishing the scepter, that you’re just sucking my dick, but uh…I just want you to know that it’s going to be mutual. You won’t just have to polish my scepter. I will also lick your crown, which is a euphemism for you know, eating your pussy. Okay, well give me a call when you get the chance. Okay, goodbye.
[outside the bank before they’re about to rob it]
Chet: I can’t believe we’re doing this.
Nick: Okay, you go for the money. I’ll cover the crowd. In and out.
Chet: I’m not feeling great, man. I drank like three of those five hour energy drinks and it’s too much energy! I’m like cramping up and all the energy in my arms are generating…
Nick: Dude! Settle down. You ready for this?
Nick: Let’s do it. Come on.
Chet: What do I call there if I need to tell you something?
Nick: Uh…call me Tivon. You’ll be Darius.
Chet: I can tell you’re not a black guy through the mask.
Nick: Uh…right. You’re still Darius, I’m Luis.
Chet: What if we’re both Hispanic, like we met in a gang in prison?
Nick: I like that. I like that. We stabbed a prison guard and we escaped and now we’re on the run.
Chet: Yes! We’re two local motherfuckers and that’s how we gotta be when we role in there.
[as they are about to enter the bank]
Chet: I still don’t have my Hispanic name.
Nick: Oh, yeah. You’re Cruz.
Chet: That’s a great fucking name! Let’s do this!
[they put on their ski masks and open the bank door]
[as they’re holding up the bank]
Chet: Don’t make any sudden moves! Okay!
[one of the customers keeps his head up and looks at Chet]
Chet: Mustache, stop looking at my face! We just killed a prison guard and we’re not afraid to kill again!
[holding his fake gun at the security guard]
Nick: Yeah, we stabbed him in the eye with his spoon! Now very slowly, get down and take your gun out and toss it.
[the guard does what he says very slowly]
Nick: Come on! Quicker!
Security Guard: Alright.
[he takes out his gun, lays it on the ground and shoves it away, the gun slides right into the hands of a sobbing mom]
Mom: No! I…I don’t want this gun!
Nick: Did you do that on purpose?
Security Guard: No, it was an accident.
Chet: Are you guys working together? What’s going on here?
Mom: Please, take this gun away!
Nick: Just toss it, lady!
[she slides the gun away it slams hard against the wall and fires shooting a guy in the leg]
[after one of the customers in the bank has been accidentally shot in the leg by the sliding gun]
Big Guy: [in pain] Oh! I think she hit the femoral artery!
Mom: I’m so sorry! It was an accident!
Big Guy: Fuck you! Who slides a gun like that!?
Chet: Dude, this guy just got shot in the leg and he’s bleeding everywhere and he’s gonna die and we’re gonna go to prison.
Nick: No! No! Luis and Cruz are never going back prison
Big Guy: Why isn’t anybody getting me help!
Nick: Sir, let me see where you’re hit.
[he looks at the guys wound]
Nick: It’s just a flesh wound, man. You’re gonna be okay.
[he turns to Chet who is staring at the wounded man’s leg]
Nick: Cruz, how are we doing on the money?
[Chet snaps back to attention]
Chet: Oh…uh…sorry, Luis. Um…
[turns his fake gun to the people on the ground]
Chet: Don’t make a sound!
[points his fake gun at one of the bank tellers lying on the ground]
Chet: You! What’s your name?
Chet: Right. Sandra, if you get us a bag with a hundred thousand dollars, well grab it and get the fuck out of here and no one will get hurt. Can I trust you?
[she quickly nods her head]
Chet: Alright! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s get some money.
[she gets up to go to the bank vault]
Nick: Woh! Woh! Woh! Cruz, you’re breaking our rules.
[turning to Sandra]
Chet: Woh!! Not the vault! Not the vault! Stick to the tellers.
Sandra: I don’t have that much money at the counter. I have to go in the vault.
Chet: Fuck it! Go to the vault. Let’s go.
[as Sandra has filled up some bags with money and they turn to leave]
Nick: I’m sorry everybody! I know we probably fucked up your day.
[he looks at the wounded man]
Nick: I’m thinking of you in particular, sir. Actually, you know what…
[he goes to the wounded man and offers the bank bag]
Nick: Here, peel a few bills out. On me.
[turning to the other people lying on the ground]
Nick: Anybody rats this guy to the cops, I’m coming after you. I remember faces. Right, Cruz?
Chet: He remembers faces.
Nick: There you go, sir.
[the wounded man hesitantly reaches into the bag and as he takes out some bills a blue dye explodes all over his face]
Big Guy: Fuck! What the hell?
Chet: What the fuck was that? What happened to our trust?
Sandra: I’m sorry! They make us do it!
Nick: Hey Sandra, we need you here. We all do. So would you kindly please fill another bag? And not a bank bag this time. A garbage bag. And Cruz, will you watch her.
[Sandra takes the garbage bag and starts feeling it with money from the vault]
Chet: Let’s go, Sandra. Come on! And don’t do anything this time. Go! Go! Fill it up. I’m watching you. We’re not friends no more. Give me the bag quickly!
[she gives him the bag]
Chet: Thanks, Sandra.
[as they are about the leave the bank with the money the alarm bell goes off]
Nick: Which one of you assholes hit the alarm?
Chet: Sandra, don’t tell me you did that too?
Sandra: No, it was Mark. He pushed the button when you guys came in.
[she points to one of the men lying on the floor]
Bank Manager: Shut up, bitch! Now they’re gonna kill both of us!
Sandra: Fuck you! You’re the manager!
Nick: No, fuck both of you! I am a regular guy and you fucked me. So thank you for fucking a regular guy!
[he walks backs towards the bank door and turns walks out]
Chet: And his partner Cruz!
[Chet follows Nick out the bank door]
[as soon as they walk out the bank door police car pulls up and cop gets out with his gun]
Cop Outside Bank: Drop your weapons!
Cop Outside Bank: Put your hands on your head!
[they put their hands on their heads]
Cop Outside Bank: Now slowly get your ass on the ground. Do it now!
Nick: Guess what?
[Nick opens his jacket to reveal the bomb vest]
Nick: You just brought a gun to a bomb fight, officer! I pull these wires out and we all go! So you got ten seconds to drop your weapon. One, two…
[the cop puts his gun the ground and turns to run]
Cop Outside Bank: Fuck this!
[he starts running away fast]
Chet: That was awesome.
Nick: He was tempting a desperate motherfucker.
[after getting away from the cops]
Nick: There’s a hundred grand in here. A hundred fucking grand, man! Which we stole from a bank.
Chet: I told a bunch of people I was gonna shoot ’em. I was like you fucking move, and I’ll kill you where you stand!’
Nick: I was ready to blow up a cop. But you never said ‘I will kill you where you stand.’
Chet: Yeah, I know. But shit did get pretty crazy.
Nick: And there is no one I would have rather taken down a fucking bank with. I mean that.
Chet: Me neither.
Nick: And as for all that shit I said, and that shit I did, I just hope you can forgive me. I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick. I don’t think there’s anybody else I can be friends with.
Chet: Come on! You’re talking to a guy who slept with his best friend’s ex-girlfriend, split up his parents’ marriage and sat on the sidelines and watched ’em go through a downward spiral. I mean those are the actions of a shitty human being. I don’t know who else would be best friends with me.
Nick: Well then it’s a good fucking thing that we know each other. Come here.
[he steps closer to hug Chet]
Chet: Woh! Woh! Woh! You still have a bomb strapped to your vest.
Nick: Yeah. Let’s take care of that. But you owe me a hug.
[Nick calls Dwayne to tell him he has the money]
Dwayne: Is this who I think it is?
Nick: Can’t you hear the ticking in the background?
Dwayne: Ah, funny guy, huh? Well, can it. This shit ain’t over yet. Save the fucking routine. There’s an old rail road bridge out on Commerce, past the highway. Be there in twenty.
Nick: I’ll be there ten.
Dwayne: Well then you’ll be standing there with your dick in one hand and my money in the other.
Nick: No, you will.
[Dwayne hangs up]
Nick: Hello…? He heard it.
Dwayne: I’m not ashamed to admit, Travis. I’ve had some dark times these last few years. Depression, anorexia, addiction and all kinds of shit that I’m not gonna even go into. Starting today all that shit’s the past. I’ve finally fucking done it, man. I finally pulled it off.
Travis: Yeah, man. We did, dude. Together, you and me. We make a pretty good team.
Dwayne: Do we?
Travis: Yeah, dude.
Dwayne: Yeah? Alright then. Would you do it?
[he puts his cell phone on the table and slides it over to Travis]
Dwayne: Would you push the button?
Travis: Why would you want me to do that?
Dwayne: It’s just a question, Travis.
Travis: I thought you said that nobody gets hurt, Dwayne.
Dwayne: He hasn’t even made the drop anyway. So I wouldn’t ask you to blow him right now, that would be stupid. Eat your taco’s. I gotta take a shit, dude. Wooh!
[Chango arrives at the pick up point to pick up the money from Nick]
Chango: You got the money?
[he hands over the garbage bag with the money]
Chango: Oh, my God! It’s so pretty! It’s so pretty, bro!
Chango: Look at it! Oh, my God! What did you do, rob a bank?
Chango: You did?
Chango: Alright. That’s cool, man. I’m proud of you, bro. Check you later.
[he turns to leave]
Nick: Wait. Hey, man. Yoh! Where’s the code?
Chango: I don’t know no code. What you talkin’ about? What code?
Nick: Come on, man. Just give me the code, okay?
Chango: Like Da Vinci Code? Like Code Red? Like the Contra Code? Like up-down, up-down, select, select, a-b, a-b, left-right, left-right? That one?
Nick: Okay! Yoh, dude! Come on! Stop messing with me! Just give me the fucking code, okay?
Chango: No, I don’t have no code , bro.
[he unzips his jacket to reveal the bomb vest]
Nick: Give me the fucking code to the bomb, okay!
Chango: Who brings a fucking bomb to a drop, homey?
Nick: I don’t know! Your fucking boss put this on me!
Chango: I am my boss!
Nick: Good, then give me the code.
[Chango pulls his gun on Nick]
Chango: Say code again, motherfucker. Please. Say it one more time, one more time. Say it, say it, say it.
Chango: I’ll just shoot you in the face! I’ll shoot you in the face so that you don’t explode and mess up my shit. Say code one more time. Just say, I just want to hear it.
Nick: I want the money back.
Chango: Oh, you want this money right here?
Chango: This motherfucking money, right here? The money that you just gave to me, huh?
Nick: Yes! Give me the money back.
Chango: Yeah, the only way you’re gonna get it is if you kill to me, homey. Which you ain’t gonna do. Cause you’re a pussy.
Nick: Come on! Come on, man! You don’t know what I’ve been through for that money!
[Chango hold up his gun at Nick again]
Chango: Do I fucking look sympathetic, homey? Now step the fuck aside. Now!
[suddenly Chet comes up behind Chango and hits him in the arm]
[after getting away from Chango Nick calls Dwayne]
Dwayne: So did you drop the money?
Nick: No, I still have the money. We cracked your friends face open!
Dwayne: Why the fuck would you do that?
Nick: You lied! You said I’d get the code.
Dwayne: Uh…he did not give you the code? I gave him the code.
Nick: You didn’t give him shit! I want the code right now or you’ll never see this money!
Dwayne: Just settle down, big boy. Alright? You’re not exactly negotiating from a point of leverage here.
Nick: I’m holding the money, okay? I blow up and it blows up. So where’s the leverage now? Why don’t you go ahead and press the button, okay?
[to Nick as he’s talking on the phone to Dwayne]
Chet: No! What are you doing?
Nick: Press the button, asshole! Push it!
Chet: No! No! Don’t tell him to push the button while you’re driving the car!
Nick: Push it!
Dwayne: You should watch what the fuck you’re saying. I own you, alright? I tell you to rob a bank, you rob a fucking bank. If I tell you to give me the money, you give me the God damn money and you hope that I give you mercy.
Nick: I’m tired of this bullshit. I’m already dead, right? So fuck you! At least I’ll die rich. I can’t say the same for you.
[Nick hangs up the phone]
Chet: Get me out of the car! Pull over and let me get out of the car right now!
Travis: Dwayne, you never told me you weren’t gonna give him the code.
Dwayne: Well, we’re not amateurs, Travis. Alright? He’s a fucking loose end, man. I mean, do you know what happens if you let a loose end go away? I could just be sitting in my fucking mansion, dude, and all of a sudden the FBI, the CIA, the fucking NASA, they’ll all converge there because he’s turned into evidence. And they could fucking lock me away! You know what? Fuck that. Fuck it. I’ll just kill the Major myself. I don’t need a fucking hit man.
Travis: Don’t do it, man!
Dwayne: I’m going to fucking smoke him. I gave him chances and he fucking blew it. He fucking wants to be an asshole, wants to be a fucking big man, he’s gonna fucking die now.
Travis: Dwayne, don’t! Just seriously don’t!
Dwayne: Three, two, one.
[Dwayne keys in the speed dial code to blow up Nick’s vest]
Travis: Boom. Just killed somebody.
[suddenly a recorded voice comes on Dwayne’s phone]
Recorded Male Voice: Hello and welcome to Movie Phone.
Dwayne: Why the fuck was that Movie Phone?
Travis: It’s in my head, man. Alright? I switched it out when you were taking a shit at Taco Boy, alright? You’re out of control, Dwayne.
Dwayne: I’m out of control?
Dwayne: I’m in prefect fucking control!
[he suddenly charges towards Travis and starts hitting him]
[after Dwayne has gotten off the phone with Chango who’s told him he’s going to kill him now]
Travis: What did he say? Are we good?
Dwayne: He says he’s gonna kill me. The fucking assassin is now going to kill me.
Travis: Oh, shit! Are you serious?
Dwayne: He’s gonna fucking shoot me now. I’m gonna die. Game over!
Travis: Hey, come on, man. Don’t say that, Dwayne. We’re gonna get the money just like we planned. Okay? We just have to get the leverage back.
Dwayne: How do we do that?
Travis: We hit that pizza fuck where it hurts.
Dwayne: What, in his dick?
Travis: No. In his pussy.
Chet: Maybe I should just become a bank robber. I was pretty good at it. Teachers don’t make shit. Bank robbers make bank.
[Nick meets Dwayne in the scrap yard who wearing the gorilla mask again]
Nick: I got the cash. So give me the code and Kate.
Dwayne: Or maybe we can just chill out. Wait for money shot.
Nick: That’s very funny. Now give me the fucking code.
Dwayne: Fine. Sixty nine, sixty nine, sixty nine.
Nick: You gotta be fucking kidding me!
Dwayne: Oh, man, don’t judge me. It’s my favorite sexual position.
[after Nick’s been freed from the bomb vest and he’s exchanged the money for getting Kate back]
Nick: You know, I actually I have the sneaking suspicion that once we turn you’re gonna put a bullet in both of our backs and uh…this is just a guess, he’s gonna burn our bodies.
Dwayne: Well they say great minds think alike. I guess in this case so do we.
Nick: No, I know. I figured that. That’s…that’s why I have a gun pointed at you too. Yeah, I got a sniper and he’s locked on you right now. His name is Cruz and he’s a local motherfucker. Hey, Cruz!
[a red dot appears on Dwayne gorilla mask forehead]
Dwayne: Yeah, right. Bullshit.
[we see Chet hiding in behind some scrap aiming his laser pointer at Dwayne’s forehead]
Dwayne: How dumb do I look? Nice try. Yeah, a sniper.
[Travis takes off his gorilla mask]
Travis: Holy shit, Dwayne! On your forehead.
Travis: There’s a red dot on your forehead, dude. You look like one of her people.
Dwayne: There’s a what?
[Dwayne takes off his mask and looks down to see the red dot on his chest now]
Dwayne: Oh, you son of a bitch!
[last lines; after they get away from Dwayne and Travis and Dwayne chases them in his van but his van suddenly explodes]
Kate: Why did that van just explode?
Nick: Remember that bomb I was telling you about? I kind of typed in the code, reactivated it and put it in the back of that guy’s van.
Chet: What? That’s some John McClane shit. Yes!
Kate: How did you remember the code?
Nick: It was uh…it doesn’t…it doesn’t matter. Anyway, we are alive and we are rich.
Chet: This money is going to change my life. First off, Grand Rapids Elementary, fuck you kids! I’m done! Okay? I’m gonna do all the stuff I’ve wanted to do, you know? Like travel the world, spend a little time in Italy. Maybe summer in France.
[as he flips the bills the blue dye explodes in his face]
Chet: Aahh!! Sandra!!
Total Quotes: 74
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